Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Rupture, Repair, Repeat — The Real Parenting Cycle

Transcript

Rupture, Repair, Repeat — The Real Parenting Cycle · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:05
Speaker 1: Sometimes raising kids can be really tricky. What do you
0:08
Speaker 1: do when you are so sure that you are getting
0:11
Speaker 1: it right but you are not. What do you do
0:13
Speaker 1: when every time you open your mouth your child looks
0:15
Speaker 1: at you and says you're getting it wrong again, but
0:19
Speaker 1: I'd say so nicely actually, And how do you recover
0:24
Speaker 1: from tricky questions and tough conversations that are unexpected at
0:28
Speaker 1: the dining table in front of everybody, including people who
0:33
Speaker 1: really don't want to be part of that conversation. That's
0:35
Speaker 1: today on our Old Do Better Tomorrow episode of The
0:38
Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast Stay with Us. Hello, Welcome to The
0:44
Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast. It's real parenting solutions every single day
0:47
Speaker 1: on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
0:50
Speaker 2: We are Justin and Kylie Colson.
0:51
Speaker 1: Friday is to day where we get the most practical
0:53
Speaker 1: and I'm excited for today's I'll do Better Tomorrow. Just
0:56
Speaker 1: before we do a couple of things. First off, in
0:58
Speaker 1: big news in our family, we have two daughters that
1:01
Speaker 1: celebrated birthdays in the last week or so, same day,
1:04
Speaker 1: three years apart.
1:05
Speaker 2: I planned that well.
1:06
Speaker 3: I can't believe you're taking the credit for that.
1:08
Speaker 2: That was all me that's entirely me hilarious. I have
1:12
Speaker 2: no idea what day it is. I just know that
1:15
Speaker 2: I love spending time with you.
1:16
Speaker 3: Not only did I plan it to the day, they
1:19
Speaker 3: were eighteen minutes apart on the eighteenth.
1:22
Speaker 2: Okay, well again, I can't really claim very much.
1:25
Speaker 1: There, although I was involved at the start and the end,
1:27
Speaker 1: so there was definitely some Let's move on, the joy
1:31
Speaker 1: of seeing your children have their birthdays is great, but
1:33
Speaker 1: I wanted to play something that came through a voice
1:36
Speaker 1: message from the super simple system at Happy Families dot
1:39
Speaker 1: com dot auie. You just scroll down to where it
1:41
Speaker 1: says podcast, press the record button and start talking. Alyssa
1:44
Speaker 1: left us this message. You haven't heard it. Just wanted
1:46
Speaker 1: to share this one with you.
1:48
Speaker 4: Hi, Justin and Kylie. I recently listened to your podcast
1:51
Speaker 4: wy exam results don't define your child, and the timing
1:53
Speaker 4: couldn't have been better. Our eldest is in year twelve
1:56
Speaker 4: and coming up to exams. She's always struggled with test conditions,
2:00
Speaker 4: determined to give it her best and then take a
2:02
Speaker 4: gap year. I've shared many of your podcasts with her,
2:04
Speaker 4: and she actually listened to this one few. It really resonated,
2:08
Speaker 4: we'd love your advice and how she might gain the
2:10
Speaker 4: type of life experience you mentioned, and what guidance or
2:13
Speaker 4: loose rules you might have given your own children during
2:16
Speaker 4: their gap years at home. We've suggested she work to
2:19
Speaker 4: earn money and independence, but aren't sure how to set
2:21
Speaker 4: fair expectations like contributing to rent or food while keeping
2:25
Speaker 4: it supportive. Would love your advice. Thank you.
2:28
Speaker 1: I love that we've got you twelve students listening to
2:30
Speaker 1: our podcasts. I hope they're not failing their exams as
2:33
Speaker 1: a result of listening to our podcast But I just thought,
2:36
Speaker 1: even though today's an older bitter tomorrow, some really quick
2:38
Speaker 1: advice on what we tell our kids about gap years.
2:39
Speaker 1: Because we are big believers in gap years, we say,
2:42
Speaker 1: be productive. You're not allowed to sit on the couch,
2:45
Speaker 1: not allowed to stare at your phone. You've got to
2:46
Speaker 1: have a full time work or full time volunteering full.
2:48
Speaker 3: Time yes, so it's either your earning or you're learning,
2:51
Speaker 3: and our girls have done really well with that. As
2:54
Speaker 3: far as paying bored, we've just made it really simple.
2:58
Speaker 3: It's ten percent of whatever their owning, so some weeks
3:00
Speaker 3: that means it's four dollars seventy and other weeks it's
3:03
Speaker 3: forty seven dollars. But it's actually not about what they're paying.
3:07
Speaker 3: It's about getting them into the habit of being able
3:11
Speaker 3: to give that money.
3:12
Speaker 1: Yeah, and finding ways that you can contribute the community,
3:14
Speaker 1: do something that's bigger than you. We have a faith background,
3:17
Speaker 1: so that makes that a little bit easier. Churches are
3:19
Speaker 1: often integrated in that way, and our kids have gone
3:21
Speaker 1: and done church mission work, which has been great, but
3:24
Speaker 1: there are so many other things that you can do.
3:26
Speaker 1: I'm also a really big fan of the Armed Forces
3:28
Speaker 1: doing a twelve month gap year that's paid, Like kids
3:30
Speaker 1: get paid eighty thousand dollars straight out of high school,
3:33
Speaker 1: or they're about to go and do a twelve month
3:35
Speaker 1: gap year with the Army, and I just think it's
3:38
Speaker 1: with the Navy or with the Air Force, and I
3:39
Speaker 1: think it's absolutely fantastic, and I think.
3:41
Speaker 3: It's really good if you just have some you know,
3:44
Speaker 3: kind of general expectations around what they contribute in the home.
3:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's totally yeah.
3:50
Speaker 3: Yeah, so that you're both on the same page, because
3:53
Speaker 3: it's one thing is as a parent, you're thinking that
3:55
Speaker 3: they're going to do X Y, and Z and they're
3:57
Speaker 3: completely not on the same page, and it just causes
4:00
Speaker 3: there's lots of tension. But if you both are in
4:02
Speaker 3: agreement that X, Y and Z needs to be done
4:04
Speaker 3: each week, and you're happy to kind of work in
4:07
Speaker 3: with timeframes and things like that, then things are going
4:10
Speaker 3: to be a lot better for both of you because
4:12
Speaker 3: you've got this child who's not really a child anymore,
4:14
Speaker 3: but still a child.
4:15
Speaker 1: Yeah, especially, I mean, I reckon eighteen year olds today
4:18
Speaker 1: are the equivalent of fifteen or sixteen year olds when
4:21
Speaker 1: I was growing up. And I'm not saying that in
4:23
Speaker 1: a disparaging way. That's what the world has created. The
4:27
Speaker 1: world has stunted our kids development because of the way
4:29
Speaker 1: we coddled them all the way through, and these gap
4:33
Speaker 1: years are important for their development.
4:35
Speaker 3: Well, Elsa, I hope that's been helpful. Good luck with
4:37
Speaker 3: the exams. We're in the same boat as you. So
4:39
Speaker 3: I'm just holding my breath for another few weeks and
4:43
Speaker 3: we're done.
4:44
Speaker 2: Cannot wait. I can not wait, Kylie.
4:47
Speaker 1: We try not to make too much noise about this,
4:49
Speaker 1: but I've been really slack end of August, going back
4:52
Speaker 1: a couple of months, but end of August We got
4:54
Speaker 1: a couple of reviews that came through.
4:55
Speaker 2: On Apple Podcasts, and I just wanted to share them
4:58
Speaker 2: with you real quick.
4:58
Speaker 1: Number one, this one comes from sports MoMA, who said,
5:00
Speaker 1: thank you for reminding me that no is okay. As
5:03
Speaker 1: a mum of a fourteen year old without a mobile
5:05
Speaker 1: phone and an eleven year old not on roadblocks, I'm
5:08
Speaker 1: reminded at times that I'm the world's worst mum. But
5:10
Speaker 1: listening to your podcast over the years, and having had
5:12
Speaker 1: the joy of meeting you in person, has given me
5:14
Speaker 1: the strength to remember why I say no. Some days,
5:17
Speaker 1: the battles are hard and I don't feel like the
5:19
Speaker 1: ally my kids want, but I will always stand strong
5:21
Speaker 1: as the mum they need. From Michelle the sports Mommer.
5:24
Speaker 1: And also there was one more that came through. This
5:26
Speaker 1: was from Tina Reviews one one one one, who gave
5:28
Speaker 1: us five stars but both five star episodes.
5:31
Speaker 2: Sorry reviews.
5:33
Speaker 1: Tina said, I've listened to the podcast from the beginning,
5:36
Speaker 1: from the beginning, every episode. I mean we're talking a
5:39
Speaker 1: couple of thousand, almost we're getting close to two thousand episodes.
5:43
Speaker 2: I don't think i've she's.
5:44
Speaker 3: Listened to all your dribble in the beginning.
5:47
Speaker 2: I can't believe you said.
5:48
Speaker 3: Well, she must really really like you.
5:50
Speaker 1: Still listening, so she must really really like you. The
5:53
Speaker 1: courses are brilliant paarenting role models. Oh that's very nice,
5:56
Speaker 1: with sense of all science backed advice paired with vulnerability
5:58
Speaker 1: and real life experiences in this ushions keeping the episodes short,
6:02
Speaker 1: I try, I try, But you don't mind a chat,
6:05
Speaker 1: do you?
6:05
Speaker 2: Honey?
6:07
Speaker 3: You can't even say that with a straight face.
6:09
Speaker 1: Means you can listen each day without being over well,
6:12
Speaker 1: trying to fit in lengthy discussions, hugely relaidible. And I
6:16
Speaker 1: love the folks on reducing screen time. And I do
6:18
Speaker 1: have to add this. There's a little addendum and it's
6:20
Speaker 1: for our daughter Emily, and it's just worth quickly mentioning
6:24
Speaker 1: it to Emily. Our children do not have roadblocks. They
6:26
Speaker 1: are thirteen and ten or phones for that matter, so
6:29
Speaker 1: you are not the only one. And yes, I wish
6:31
Speaker 1: more parents would band together. Just a suggestion. My ten
6:34
Speaker 1: year old homeschooler is not always keen to write either,
6:36
Speaker 1: but she is keen to write to pen pals, forming
6:40
Speaker 1: friend connections and writing practice win win.
6:43
Speaker 2: Thanks for everything you do, Happy family. Seenment's full honesty
6:45
Speaker 2: and heart very much appreciated. Tina.
6:46
Speaker 1: If you've got a daughter who might like a pen pal,
6:48
Speaker 1: I mean, we can't promise, but Sert as you details,
6:51
Speaker 1: we'll see if Emily will have a chat with your
6:54
Speaker 1: daughter who knows. All right, Kylie, our news has gone
6:56
Speaker 1: little bit longer than it should, as it always does.
6:58
Speaker 1: What's your older better tomorrow?
7:00
Speaker 3: Well, on Tuesday, we had a tricky question from Alana,
7:04
Speaker 3: and she was asking how to have those tricky conversations.
7:08
Speaker 3: She acknowledged that her kids are a little bit younger,
7:10
Speaker 3: so she's got a think from memory, a five year
7:12
Speaker 3: old and a seven year old, and we acknowledged that
7:17
Speaker 3: we were definitely not having the tricky conversations that we're
7:21
Speaker 3: now having with our kids. But as we're sitting around
7:24
Speaker 3: the dinner table these days with a marriage daughter who's
7:28
Speaker 3: now a mum and studying to.
7:30
Speaker 2: Be a midwife midwifree, oh my goodness, daughter.
7:32
Speaker 3: Number two was in her first very serious relationship. Daughter
7:37
Speaker 3: number three has just come home after eighteen months, and
7:40
Speaker 3: then we've got a daughter who's just turned eighteen. As
7:44
Speaker 3: coming up in the world of adulthood, the conversations around
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Speaker 3: the table might make you blush a lot lately.
7:51
Speaker 1: Justin yes, I mean, I don't mind talking about almost anything,
7:57
Speaker 1: but sometimes as I'm sitting there and chewing on my
8:00
Speaker 1: cherry tomatoes and.
8:01
Speaker 2: Lettuce and salad and whatever else.
8:03
Speaker 1: Is there, I do kind of. I mean, I take
8:06
Speaker 1: a breath and I just I wait because I know
8:08
Speaker 1: it will pass. I know it will pass, but it's
8:11
Speaker 1: a lot it is there.
8:13
Speaker 3: There was conversations around kissing tips one night we've had
8:17
Speaker 3: We've had so many different conversations, and just.
8:20
Speaker 2: One of the kids said that she practiced kissing on
8:21
Speaker 2: the wall. Who practices kissing the wall?
8:26
Speaker 3: Well, what did you practice on?
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Speaker 2: I didn't need to practice on anything. I practiced on
8:31
Speaker 2: my girlfriends.
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Speaker 1: Okay, I might have practiced on my pillow, and I
8:36
Speaker 1: might have also practiced on the trip of my arm.
8:38
Speaker 2: Okay, what did you practice on?
8:41
Speaker 3: I didn't practice ever, did not.
8:44
Speaker 1: So you just asked that to embarrass me. I was
8:46
Speaker 1: just saying I didn't actually practice either. I just practice
8:49
Speaker 1: on my girlfriends.
8:51
Speaker 3: But I was just thinking about the joy that we're
8:55
Speaker 3: experiencing because we've gone through the challenge and the uncomfortability
9:02
Speaker 3: of having those conversations with our children from a really
9:04
Speaker 3: early age, there is literally no topic or limits, and
9:09
Speaker 3: sometimes it still makes you blush justin but I'm so grateful.
9:15
Speaker 3: I'm so grateful that their first point of call isn't
9:17
Speaker 3: to go to chat GBT or to go to Google.
9:20
Speaker 3: It's to come home and talk to mum and include
9:23
Speaker 3: their siblings in those conversations. And I wouldn't want it
9:27
Speaker 3: any other way, even the conversations that make me blush.
9:31
Speaker 3: And what I find curious is that so many times
9:35
Speaker 3: they'll come to me and they'll be a little bit
9:37
Speaker 3: kind of just cautious, and then I'll open up and
9:41
Speaker 3: they'll look at me like really, Like you're nearly fifty
9:47
Speaker 3: and you're okay having this kind of a conversation, Like really,
9:50
Speaker 3: It blows them away. And what it actually does is
9:53
Speaker 3: it creates a connection that you don't get otherwise, firstly,
9:57
Speaker 3: and secondly humanizes you as a per and outside of
10:00
Speaker 3: being their.
10:01
Speaker 1: Mum, Creating the culture is hard work. The kids resist it,
10:05
Speaker 1: especially through their adolescent years. But when you're intentional, when
10:08
Speaker 1: you're consistent, it really does change things for them, and
10:13
Speaker 1: you can talk about almost anything.
10:16
Speaker 3: You become a safe place for them where they get
10:18
Speaker 3: to kind of have tricky conversations where they know they're
10:22
Speaker 3: not going to be judged, they're not going to be
10:24
Speaker 3: laughed at, they're not going to, you know, kind of
10:26
Speaker 3: be questioned why would you think that? Or that we
10:28
Speaker 3: can actually sit down and have it. And for the
10:30
Speaker 3: eleven year old and the fifteen year old watching that happen,
10:33
Speaker 3: that just reinforces to them that mum and dad are
10:36
Speaker 3: a place that they can go when they need help,
10:37
Speaker 3: when they need to know things that are troubling them.
10:42
Speaker 1: Okay, after the break my older bitter tomorrow, including how
10:46
Speaker 1: my fifteen year old has informed me I cannot possibly
10:50
Speaker 1: get it right. Welcome back to the Happy Families podcast,
11:00
Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions every Day. My older Better Tomorrow A
11:04
Speaker 1: bit of a tricky one one that I'd rather not
11:05
Speaker 1: talk about, but I'm going to bring it up anyway.
11:08
Speaker 2: Sometimes you just.
11:08
Speaker 1: Can't get it right, even if you've written the parenting books,
11:11
Speaker 1: even if you know what you're talking about, even if
11:13
Speaker 1: you teach other people how to do it. Sometimes you
11:15
Speaker 1: can't get it right because not everything works all the
11:17
Speaker 1: time with every child in every circumstance, including for me.
11:23
Speaker 3: Yeah, but you're saying that it's not working because you're
11:25
Speaker 3: expecting a specific outcome, and the reality is that, yes,
11:31
Speaker 3: there's no textbook answer. So what you're doing is creating
11:36
Speaker 3: a culture. That's what you're doing. You're creating a culture
11:40
Speaker 3: and therefore creating a relationship.
11:42
Speaker 1: Well, I just want to highlight the other day one
11:44
Speaker 1: of the our fifteen year old was being I don't
11:48
Speaker 1: know how Difficult's difficult? Yeah, I was going to say obnoxious,
11:50
Speaker 1: but difficult it's more appropriate.
11:52
Speaker 2: If she's listening.
11:52
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, LTE, and I tried to correct her.
11:57
Speaker 1: I did it gently. There was nothing abrupt or sharp
11:59
Speaker 1: or ave or severe about it at all.
12:03
Speaker 2: It was it was just a come.
12:05
Speaker 1: On, you know better, and we're trying to do this nicely,
12:08
Speaker 1: and what's the deal? And she just lost it at
12:12
Speaker 1: me and then she started crying and got very emotional
12:14
Speaker 1: and it was just a lot. And then she rang me,
12:17
Speaker 1: and then she rang you, crying, and then you rang me.
12:19
Speaker 1: And I didn't know that she'd been on the phone
12:21
Speaker 1: to you, so and I picked up the phone. I
12:22
Speaker 1: called you all the wonderful names that I call you,
12:24
Speaker 1: and I answered the phone. I had you on speak
12:25
Speaker 1: and I said what can I do for you? And
12:27
Speaker 1: you said, I need you to be gentle with Lily.
12:29
Speaker 1: And you were on speakerphone and Lily was right beside
12:31
Speaker 1: me as you were ringing for Lily's defense.
12:36
Speaker 3: And then, and here's the crazy thing. When Lily rang me,
12:38
Speaker 3: she didn't ring me to tell you me that you
12:40
Speaker 3: were a bad person. She rang me to say she
12:42
Speaker 3: doesn't know what's wrong with her, but she couldn't stop crying.
12:44
Speaker 2: I know, I know, I know.
12:46
Speaker 1: But in the meantime, she was saying something about her friends,
12:49
Speaker 1: and I said, well, I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised
12:51
Speaker 1: because I would want to be your friend right now. Like,
12:56
Speaker 1: sometimes you do get it wrong, but other times it's
12:58
Speaker 1: not actually about you. It's about your kids much take
13:00
Speaker 1: our messages. Oh my goodness. No matter how much you
13:03
Speaker 1: do get it right, there's no credit for getting it right.
13:05
Speaker 1: When you get it wrong, it's all your fault.
13:09
Speaker 3: It's all your fault. But it's actually got nothing to
13:11
Speaker 3: do But he's got nothing, it's actually got nothing to
13:14
Speaker 3: do with you.
13:15
Speaker 2: Ah. So I checked in.
13:16
Speaker 1: I apologize because what I said was not kind, and
13:21
Speaker 1: I guess that also highlights sometimes it is you. Like
13:23
Speaker 1: I had been perfect until I made that one line,
13:26
Speaker 1: and when I said that one thing, I was like,
13:29
Speaker 1: oh gosh, why did you say that? And my mum
13:33
Speaker 1: used to have this saying. She used to say, there's
13:35
Speaker 1: two things that never come back, the spent grenade and
13:38
Speaker 1: the spoken word, and I think she was kind of
13:41
Speaker 1: saying they're both the same thing, like if you throw
13:43
Speaker 1: the wrong words out there, it's like throwing a grenade.
13:45
Speaker 1: Once that grenade explodes, you can't take it back. And
13:50
Speaker 1: clearly my words as well. But nevertheless, most of it
13:52
Speaker 1: was not me. Most of it was just her, and
13:54
Speaker 1: it didn't matter what I did. There was no right
13:55
Speaker 1: way because people are complex and sometimes there' stuff that
13:58
Speaker 1: they're going through. It's just the stuff they're going through,
14:00
Speaker 1: and fifteen year olds are particularly complex. Fifteen year old
14:02
Speaker 1: girls are especially particularly complex. And my take home message
14:06
Speaker 1: for today's I'll do better tomorrow so that I do
14:09
Speaker 1: not ramble and waffle about this is do the best
14:11
Speaker 1: you can say sorry when you get it wrong. Most
14:13
Speaker 1: of the time, it's not going to be you. Every
14:14
Speaker 1: now and again it is you. And then when it
14:15
Speaker 1: is you own it. Don't blame, don't make excuses, don't
14:19
Speaker 1: deny it.
14:20
Speaker 2: Just yeah, I got it.
14:21
Speaker 1: Wrong, and then get on with making sure that you're
14:23
Speaker 1: repairing that relationship every chance you get, because if you do,
14:27
Speaker 1: eventually you have those kids sitting around the dining table
14:29
Speaker 1: for birthday parties like we did the other night, talking
14:32
Speaker 1: about things that still make you blush, but they're really
14:34
Speaker 1: happy to keep coming home and keep having those conversations
14:38
Speaker 1: because most of the time it was them, and when
14:41
Speaker 1: it was you, you apologized and you made sure the
14:43
Speaker 1: relationship was right.
14:44
Speaker 2: I love that line.
14:45
Speaker 1: I used it with her the other day because she
14:47
Speaker 1: walked out in a huff, and when I went to her,
14:49
Speaker 1: I just said, I didn't do anything horrible, mean or nasty.
14:53
Speaker 1: This is kind of on you, kiddo, but I want
14:55
Speaker 1: you to know that, no matter how many times you
14:56
Speaker 1: walk out of the room, I love for you is
14:57
Speaker 1: bigger than all the walkouts in the world.
15:00
Speaker 2: I love that line.
15:00
Speaker 1: My love for you is bigger than the thing you
15:02
Speaker 1: just did. No matter how many times you do it,
15:04
Speaker 1: my love for you is bigger than that. And that's
15:06
Speaker 1: my little bit.
15:07
Speaker 2: It's morrow.
15:08
Speaker 3: It's interesting to me. I've had so many conversations with
15:11
Speaker 3: each of the girls at different times over the last
15:13
Speaker 3: handful of months, and I can think back on my
15:18
Speaker 3: parenting journey with each of them and kind of cower
15:22
Speaker 3: at some of the experiences I've had with them, the
15:25
Speaker 3: times where I just got it so wrong. And yet
15:29
Speaker 3: when I've talked to them and acknowledged that I recognize
15:31
Speaker 3: and know that I haven't always got it right. The
15:34
Speaker 3: overwhelming response from each of them is how grateful they
15:38
Speaker 3: are for the times I got it right. Like they're
15:41
Speaker 3: not actually focused on when we got it wrong because
15:46
Speaker 3: we've attempted to repair each time we did. We've taken responsibility,
15:50
Speaker 3: we've acknowledged and it makes such a difference to our
15:53
Speaker 3: kids when they can see that we're not perfect, but
15:57
Speaker 3: we're also willing to own when we get it wrong.
16:00
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's something amazing about getting your intentions right and
16:02
Speaker 1: having people see your intentions, Like we always want to
16:06
Speaker 1: be judged on our intentions, and if you can get
16:08
Speaker 1: the relationship right, you can be judged on your intentions
16:10
Speaker 1: and that.
16:11
Speaker 2: Is a real gift. Nice summary.
16:13
Speaker 1: We need to wrap this up. Have a great weekend everyone,
16:16
Speaker 1: We're back on Monday. The Happy Families podcast is produced
16:18
Speaker 1: by Justin Roulan from Bridge Media. We appreciate Mim Hammonds
16:21
Speaker 1: for her research, admin and other support. And if you're
16:24
Speaker 1: looking for more resources to strengthen your family, to build
16:27
Speaker 1: your family, to make your family happier, check out the
16:29
Speaker 1: book The Parenting Revolution.
16:32
Speaker 2: The Parenting Revolution by me, yours truly, Justin
16:35
Speaker 1: Colson wherever you buy books and at happy families dot
16:39
Speaker 1: com dot au