Latest / The Divorce Decision Podcast / Episode 11: How To Stress Proof Your Relationship

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Episode 11: How To Stress Proof Your Relationship · The Divorce Decision Podcast

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Lucky in Love, a podcast where we explore what really makes and breaks relationships.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're head over heels in love, caught up in the middle of some relationship drama, or just trying to figure it all out, you're in the right place.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready to be lucky in love?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Join me.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Carrie Hoskins.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's jump in.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the podcast, friends.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode was inspired by something that I recently learned that I found really interesting and very helpful and useful.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, I wanted to pass it along to you.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I recently finished taking a whole series of classes from the Gottman Institute, and I know I've talked about them before on the podcast.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: They've done groundbreaking work in the area of relationships.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: We were in the middle of a lecture, and one of the Gottmans asked the question what do we think the biggest predictor of relationship success was for couples who had been through their program?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And people were shouting out, you know, different ideas like the ability to resolve conflict, open communication.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Others said it was spending intentional time together.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, yes, all of those things definitely help couples be happier, healthier, and enjoy a long life together.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: But the answer was actually that the couples who insulated their relationship from external stress, those are the ones that were still together 10 years after completing the program.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then, of course, I had to do my own research, and I discovered this wasn't just true of the couples that have been through the Gottman's program, but of most couples generally speaking.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: So that is what we're going to be talking about today.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought it would be helpful to share with you two strategies that can help you and your relationship.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: The first one is for you as the individual or the stressed-out individual.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: The second one is something that you and your partner or spouse can be doing together.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: The thing about pressure and stress, though, is that it's not something that most of us think about unless we're actually going through it, and myself included in that.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: But thinking about it when you're not under the gun, when you're not under pressure, is the best time to decide how to help yourself or your partner next time a stressful situation comes up.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: So for the purpose of today's very short episode, I wanted to define for you two different types of stress that we're going to be talking about.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: The first one is external stress.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: It originates outside of your relationship, but it affects one or both of you individually.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So for example, it might be a looming deadline at work or a fallout with a friend.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you had an argument with them.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Your parent or one of your children recently got a pretty significant medical diagnosis.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you have this crazy schedule and you look at your calendar and you feel so much pressure because you don't know how you're going to get everything done.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: These are examples of external stress.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's internal stress.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And internal stress arises from within your relationship.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: So an example would be maybe one of you lost your job and now you're under a lot of financial strain, or you feel like you have this financial burden on your shoulders.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Trust issues, maybe there's been infidelity, communication breakdowns.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: These are all examples of stresses that come from within your relationship.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And it definitely impacts the dynamic of your relationship and how your relationship feels.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the kicker: if the external stress is not managed and dealt with, it can easily spill over and create internal stress within your relationship.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: I really experienced this in my first marriage after my oldest daughter was born.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: She has developmental disabilities and a whole slew of other diagnoses.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: And this caused a lot of external stress for the better part of 20, over 20 years.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: And to be honest with you, that stress is actually still there.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: And during that time, the stress would, of course, fluctuate between really high levels, and then it would go down to a more manageable level, if you will.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: But frankly, I didn't know how to manage it, and her father didn't know how to manage the chronic stress.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so it definitely affected most areas of our life because chronic stress definitely ripples into all the different facets of your life and what you're experiencing.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: So let's say you're having a stressful week at work, and you come home, you're totally wound up, you're short-tempered, and before you know it, you are snapping at your partner or spouse over as like something really, really silly, or biting their head off for no good reason.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: What this is, is this is the external stress has now become internal stress.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: And when this happens, this affects your partner.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: So now your partner is most likely either walking on eggshells, feeling tension, or maybe they don't like the way you're talking to them, and they're now mirroring your tone of voice and kind of your disposition and your attitude, and now you're bickering, right?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: So that's kind of how that plays out, where the external stress now becomes internal stress.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: So why does this happen?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's be helpful to define what stress is.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Stress is a negative physical or mental response to an external threat or event.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're on the struggle bus, your body releases hormones, stress hormones like cortisol, adrenaline, and norepinephrine.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: And these hormones trigger physical and emotional changes in your body.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And this makes it really challenging to show up as your best self.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: So here are some common signs that you may be acting out of stress.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: The first one is that you become contrarian.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And this, of course, is assuming that you're not normally contrarian, uh, but basically it means that you start disagreeing with everything your partner says, you take an oppositional stance on their opinions, maybe you have inappropriate anger responses.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: So you might find yourself getting really mad or angry much quicker than normal, or reacting to something like overboard, overreacting.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: So the intensity of your anger reaction is disproportionate to whatever just happened.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: So, like maybe you come home and you trip over your daughter's shoes that are in the middle of the entryway and you flip out, where normally you might just be annoyed.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: You wouldn't get super angry, right?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's an example.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: You might find yourself really annoyed or irritated by your partner or spouse much quicker because you are stressed out.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: I know for me, I have to be careful because when I'm stressed out, listening to people chew bugs me.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like those chewing sounds are gross and it really annoys me.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so if I'm under a lot of pressure, if I can feel that I have stress, I try to take care of that before we sit down for dinner.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, it will completely ruin my dinner.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: You might have an overwhelming desire to isolate and be alone.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Some people overeat or over-drink when they're super stressed out, and maybe your intimacy has stopped, or when you are intimate, it is being rushed because you are stressed.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: So when you are doing these things that I just talked about, it means that you are in the middle of the stress cycle.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: The stress cycle has four stages.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: The first stage is the resting or ground stage.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: This is just where you're just normal, like nothing has happened yet.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: But then there's a triggering event.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and this brings you into the second stage, which is the tension or strain stage, also known as the alarm phase.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: And this is like the initial shock of whatever the stressing event is.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's when you first become aware of it.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: I used to fly a lot, and you see stressed out people all the time at the airport.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, if you're waiting for your flight and you're watching the board and it's telling you that your flight is delayed, and now you start realizing if it continues to be delayed, you might miss your connecting flight.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: And all of a sudden, like your brain starts to try to problem solve, and now you're all of a sudden getting super, super stressed out.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's the tension or strain phase.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then you have, oh, and it's during this phase too.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to point out that um this is when the surge of those stress hormones are released.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: So you get the surge of cortisol and adrenaline, and this physiologically affects you.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: So your blood pressure will probably become slightly elevated, your heart rate goes up, you might end up with rapid breathing, and mentally you start to worry or become anxious.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you are all of a sudden on edge.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: And for a lot of people, your focus becomes really, really narrowed on the stressor event or whatever is causing you the stress.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Then you move into the third phase, and this is the response phase.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is where your mind and your body are making an effort to try to manage and deal with the stress.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: So when you come home and you're annoyed, irritated, or short-tempered, this is the phase that you're in.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what happens is most people don't know how to get out of this phase.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, phase four is the last phase of it, and it's the relief or exhaustion phase.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's during this stage that your mind and your body start to relax, and you are no longer getting that release of stress hormones, and your hormones start to go back to their normal state.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: So, here are the two strategies that can help you.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: The first one is to help you get from stage three to stage four.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: So the first one is really about completing the stress cycle.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the one that the stressed-out person does on their own.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: So there's tons of research that shows the best way to complete the stress cycle is through some type of physical activity or physical assertion.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, walking, jogging, shooting hoops, yoga, dance, boxing, whatever it happens to be, you physical will help you.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: If any of you listening are throwers, I happen, unfortunately, to be a thrower.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Thankfully, I don't do it as much anymore.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: I have been known to throw a package of hot dogs across the kitchen from time to time.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, the first time I did it, the Ziploc bag was not completely zipped locked, and there was just like all this hot dog juice strewn all the way across my kitchen, and I had to spend 15 minutes cleaning up hot dog juice before I went to work, which just added to my stress.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I obviously definitely relate to this.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: But when your urge is to throw something, that is your body's way of trying to release the stress, of trying to go back to its normal state, which is why it feels so darn good.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, the aftermath of throwing something or destroying something usually isn't worth it.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can also do something creative.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Creative outlets are a great way for you to complete the stress cycle.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Cooking, painting, crafting, going out in the garage and building something.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Coloring actually is a great way.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: And when I was in grad school, there was a time when we were so stressed out, and one of our professors suggested that we start coloring to help relieve our stress.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so I remember we're in the university library.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's like 11 or 11:30 at night, and we're all exhausted.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: And in my head, I'm thinking, there is no way I'm going home and coloring for 20 minutes.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: I have too much to do.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: But I decided to give it a shot.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: And sure enough, it really helped bring down the stress level.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then after that, um, some of us we began, like that became part of our routine where we would get those adult coloring books and we would color for 20 minutes before starting our research.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it really kind of helped us all have more mental focus and mental clarity because it was relieving our stress.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Other great ways to complete the stress cycle: laughing, crying, hugging, what all three of these things do is they release oxytocin into your system, which is the feel-good hormone.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I happen to love Daniel Tosh.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: It does not matter how many times I've listened to his comedy skits.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: I always end up cracking up.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so if I've tried all other ways to complete my stress cycle and it's not working, I will definitely like cue him up on Pandora and give it a listen, and it almost always helps me.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Crying also, I think people get a bad rap for crying when they're stressed out.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, for a lot of us, crying is a very natural way for us to relieve our stress.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason why is because when you cry, it actually reduces the cortisol that is in your system while simultaneously causes you to release oxytocin.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: So you're getting rid of the bad stress hormone and you're getting more of the feel-good hormone.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's why it feels good and stress-relieving to cry.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Any type of somatic exercise or different types of breathing exercises, you can give that a quick Google search.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Those are wonderful.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I know for me, tapping, I love tapping.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's easy to do.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can do it anywhere.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you can do it in your car, you can do it at home, whatever.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: That definitely is a great way to complete the stress cycle.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: And the last one here is journaling.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Especially if you find that your mind is like in like negative thought loops because of the stress and you cannot sleep.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Journaling is a great way to help reduce your stress and to complete the stress cycle.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're in a situation where the external stressor isn't going away anytime soon, it is really important for yourself and your relationship to find ways to complete the stress cycle on a regular basis.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: I actually advocate completing your stress cycle every day because most of us have some amount of low-lying stress all the time in our life.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just a good practice to get to get into.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: For me, walking 30 to 45 minutes a day or most days is one of the ways that I actively manage my stress.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I never enjoyed walking before.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I started walking when I first was experiencing postpartum depression like 24 years ago.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I continued walking even after the depression was over because I found it to be so emotionally and mentally good for me.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: So the second strategy is for you and your partner to do.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's called the stress-reducing conversation.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, to do this, you have to carve out time to have a conversation.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: But the purpose of the conversation is to allow the stressed-out partner to talk and get all the stuff off their chest.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's very cathartic.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: But the key to this conversation is the listener.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: The listener has the most important role.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: The job of the listener is to be supportive of their partner, and this is why it works.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a couple of ways I suggest you offer support.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: The first one is by listening to their perspective and listening to their feelings and their thoughts without minimizing them.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: So you don't want to brush them aside or come up with counter-arguments.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: You just want to listen and be supportive.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: You also want to refrain from problem solving.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: If your partner has not asked you to help solve the problem, don't try to solve the problem for them.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: It is just going to be annoying and irritating, and that is not the purpose of the conversation.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: A third way that you can offer support is by asking questions.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Things like, what's the most upsetting part about this for you?
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: Or what is it about this specifically that you don't like or that's stressing you out?
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: What's your worst case scenario?
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: Or my favorite, what do you need from me?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do to help you and support you?
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: And most of the times, my friends, it's simply to listen.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: But they may ask for help problem solving, and at that point, that's when you can jump in and start helping them brainstorm.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: This conversation will do wonders for your relationship as a whole because it reinforces connection, it opens up supportive communication, and it lets your partner know that they don't have to go through this alone.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's obviously assuming that you're the listener in this situation.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: But I really do think that if you practice becoming more aware of how you're behaving when you're stressed out and you are actively working on ways to complete your stress cycle, instead of using stress as an excuse to treat your family really crappy, you and your relationship are both definitely going to benefit from it.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, having as many stress-reducing conversations as you need is also going to be helpful.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of times people think that once they have like one of these conversations, it's a one-and-done kind of a thing.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is not.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: This should be ongoing.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Completing the stress cycle should be ongoing, and having these types of conversations should be ongoing until the stress has been relieved or taken away.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're on the receiving end, if it's your partner who's the one that's stressed out, now that you've listened to this, you know that when they come home and they're upset or angry or they're snapping at you or talking to you in a really crappy tone of voice, you know that they're in stage three and they need to get to stage four.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: So my suggestion is to find out what it is they need.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you can gently suggest that they go for a walk or go hit the gym or whatever it is that you know that they like to do, you can suggest that they blow off some steam.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: If that doesn't work and they bite your head off because you suggested it, you can maybe just very nicely give them some space, let them be alone, and see if that helps them get to their own um stress-relieving, you know, cycle.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I would also suggest that you offer to have the stress-reducing conversation and just you don't have to call it that.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: I call it that because I'm a dork and I'll be like, babe, we need to have a stress-reducing conversation.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but most people don't talk like that.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so you don't have to say that, but you can offer to listen to what's going on and then just abide by the stress-reducing guidelines that I already gave you.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're interested in this topic, and trust me, there is so I've barely, barely, barely scratched the surface.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: There's so much more to learn.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: I would suggest that you check out a couple of books.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the first one is specifically for women.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's called Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's written by Emily and Amelia Nagasaki.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: They're sisters.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: And um I just love this book because it explains how stress and burnout is different for women than for men.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then, of course, they give you a roadmap to minimizing your stress.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: So for all the ladies out there listening, I would definitely suggest that you get this book in your library.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's also on Audible.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have daughters, this is a great thing for you to learn about so you can help your daughters manage their stress, you know, throughout different times of their life.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: Another book that I suggest is The Myth of Stress.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: So it's called The Myth of Stress, where stress really comes from, and how to live a happier, healthier life.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: And this is by Andrew Bernstein.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: So that's another good book that, you know, for anybody, of course, men, you guys can read The Burnout as well, uh, because it would probably give you some really great insight into your girlfriend or your wife or your daughter, whoever is stressed out in your life.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: Always good to educate yourself, I think.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: All right, my friends, that is what I have for you today.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: I look forward to talking to you next week.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, if you're at a crossroads in your relationship and you do not know what to do, maybe you're wondering if it can work, maybe you're not even sure if that's what you want.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: I have some good news for you.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to figure this out alone.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: I invite you to go check out my 12-week coaching program called Before You Break Up.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of our time together, you are either going to feel more connected to your partner or spouse, or you're going to have the clarity and the confidence to know that parting ways is the best choice.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: So stop what you're doing and go visit kahoskins.com to learn more.