Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 191. The Priceless Things We Learned About Marriage From Watching Married At First Sight. Do You Agree Or Disagree With Us?

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191. The Priceless Things We Learned About Marriage From Watching Married At First Sight. Do You Agree Or Disagree With Us? · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

0:00
Amy: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
0:07
Amy: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
0:16
Amy: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
0:24
Amy: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
1:00
Nick: What are your thoughts on the episode we're going to do today, and then we'll announce what the episode is going to be.
1:07
Amy: I think it's going to be.
1:08
Amy: I think it's very different.
1:10
Nick: It is.
1:11
Amy: Well, different, but not different.
1:13
Amy: I think these are all key things that we think about and talk about often, but approached in a totally different way because of we're sharing like actual examples.
1:26
Nick: So the podcast episode's title today.
1:29
Nick: Do you agree or disagree about our takeaways on watching married at first sight?
1:34
Nick: So Amy and I have been watching a show called Married at First Sight and, for those of you who don't know anything about this, basically three experts relationship experts, therapists interview a ton of people.
1:53
Amy: Single people Single people.
1:55
Nick: They're looking to get married, trying to find love.
1:57
Nick: They've had awful relationship history and they match these people up and they get married without ever seeing each other and then they follow them for you know, eight weeks and after that eight weeks they decide whether they're going to stay married or get divorced.
2:16
Nick: And one of the reasons well, there's a couple reasons we like watching this.
2:21
Nick: Obviously, with what we're doing, it's just amazing and also very interesting to see relationship dynamics.
2:28
Nick: I mean, we watched some of it and we're just like, oh my goodness, what are they thinking?
2:32
Nick: And it's just crazy.
2:35
Nick: I mean, a lot of these people are, you know, when they're 30s, late 30s.
2:40
Nick: They're desperately looking for love and someone to share a life with and, you know, they're willing to literally marry a stranger in hopes that the experts can set them up with someone that's compatible with them.
2:56
Nick: And I will say this every time Amy and I watch an episode or two, we both look at each other afterwards and we're like I am so grateful to be married to you, like I, oh my gosh, I couldn't even imagine being married to someone else, just because of the craziness you see.
3:14
Amy: My comment usually to Nick is I would have married you at first sight and we would have still made it.
3:18
Nick: That's true, I agree.
3:19
Nick: I think we would have.
3:21
Amy: We were engaged after three weeks of meeting each other and we knew it was right and we committed.
3:26
Amy: So I keep telling Nick, I'm like, yeah, if you would have set me up, it would have totally worked, Like if we would have put together not ever seeing each other.
3:33
Amy: I mean, we got married pretty quick anyways, so I would have been down with that.
3:38
Nick: So we were married at maybe 120th first sight.
3:44
Amy: Yeah, we weren't married on day one, but the cool thing is that while we watched this, we're like, oh, those people need our app.
3:52
Amy: But there's been a few people.
3:55
Amy: This is how we heard about the show.
3:56
Amy: Is that some of the people that have come out of the show married?
4:01
Nick: That have stayed married.
4:02
Nick: That stayed married, love our app so yeah, we've got two couples that have promoted the app from married at first sight.
4:07
Nick: So we're like, oh you know, we should obviously watch this show.
4:11
Nick: Maybe we should find out what this is yeah, and obviously our app can help the couples that have stayed married and stayed married.
4:19
Amy: And we actually well, I sort of speak for myself.
4:23
Amy: I don't love dramas.
4:25
Amy: I don't want drama in my life, Like I'm not really one of those girls that like needs my drama show.
4:31
Amy: I don't watch any drama shows, yeah you don't.
4:33
Amy: Maybe I'd rather watch like an action show or a crime show.
4:35
Amy: I guess that's kind of drama.
4:36
Amy: But, like the loved, like we don't watch relationship shows.
4:39
Amy: So this was pushing it for us because I'm like well, if there some of these couples are using an app, we should figure out what the show is right.
4:46
Amy: And then we watched one episode and we were kind of intrigued by it.
4:49
Amy: We're like holy cow, Like this is kind of crazy, let's see.
4:53
Amy: And it's not really drama until, of course, they get into the marriage a couple of weeks and then real life starts hitting you right.
4:59
Nick: Yeah, but I think it's more so like where we talk about relationships all the time and we're trying to help people with their relationships.
5:05
Nick: It's really interesting to watch each one of these relationships because in an episode where they have like six couples to get married and then they kind of follow each one of them and you know at first.
5:17
Nick: When they first get married, you're like oh, I could see these two people, oh they're perfect together.
5:22
Nick: And then, quickly, things fall apart.
5:25
Amy: Oh, very quickly, Like the minute they leave the honeymoon and move in together.
5:29
Amy: It's like whoa, yeah, wow, really, like it's crazy to me, like you really can't talk about that or make it through that, or it's just amazing how or how they handle different situations, or maybe they don't know how to handle different situations.
5:47
Amy: They don't know how to handle situations.
5:49
Nick: And then you're like, yeah, there's a reason you're single, there's a reason you're probably going to be single forever, and we're not saying that to be rude, but you know we I mean we talk about all the time like sometimes marriage can be difficult, right?
6:02
Amy: Yeah, for sure.
6:04
Nick: But, having said that, I think we wanted to approach it in this way because so many I think there are so many couples out there that have good marriages but they're so focused on what they don't have in their marriage and they're almost envious of like, oh, you know things, the grass is greener on the other side.
6:22
Nick: And on the takeaway we wanted to provide in this marriage I guess kind of like a sub title to this, you know is to to be grateful for what you have, instead of, like focusing on the marriage that you don't have, for the marriage that you think you should have.
6:41
Nick: I think, after this episode, hopefully you'll be a lot more grateful for what you do have, instead of maybe focusing on the things you don't have.
6:51
Nick: And we're going to point out a lot of the things that we learned in watching this episode and hopefully they can be very beneficial to you.
6:59
Amy: Well, the crazy thing about this show is and it shocks me is that like I can't under, like I can't wrap my mind around how they're already fighting and having major marriage issues on like week three.
7:14
Nick: Or sooner.
7:15
Amy: I'm like I don't think we even had a fight until we brought kids into our marriage and then the finances got hard and then, like all, like all those trials start hitting, like what?
7:25
Amy: All of a sudden you have a family and responsibilities.
7:27
Amy: And I know that we're like different, because a lot of people are like, oh, the first year of marriage was super hard, like so it's different for everyone.
7:34
Amy: I felt like we were just still falling in love our first year.
7:36
Amy: I'm like how hard is this Like we just go to our jobs, come home, cuddle, make out.
7:41
Nick: No responsibility.
7:42
Amy: Right, tell me about a dog, anyways.
7:45
Nick: Yeah, no, it's so true like it is amazing how fast these couples could even make it off the rails.
7:51
Amy: They're fighting on their honeymoon.
7:52
Amy: I'm like, really like I just, oh, it's hard, I don't get it.
7:57
Nick: So Well, we'll kind of dive in and share the things that we've learned by watching married at first sight, and then again you can see if you agree or disagree.
8:07
Nick: So one of the things we noticed is we watched many of these couples who they come out and they see each other for the first time at the altar when they're getting married and I Would say For the most part not always, but for the most part they're very attracted to each other.
8:22
Nick: You can see them smile and they're like oh yeah, the experts.
8:26
Amy: I was totally shocked by that.
8:27
Amy: There were some, so the guys always up at the altar waiting right and he though they haven't seen each other.
8:33
Amy: And then the bride will walk up the aisle and and you just like want to watch Her eyeballs and his eyeballs.
8:39
Amy: Yeah, you're like you can totally tell like right off the bat if they're.
8:43
Amy: Disappointed if they're attracted to each other or like disappointed, and it's not very often, even if they look Like a couple that you would never see together or like you would never imagine.
8:52
Amy: Like most of them, the professionals have done a really good job.
8:55
Amy: Like I am usually shocked that a that they both find each other so attractive.
9:00
Amy: I'm like that is so cute.
9:02
Amy: Yeah so awesome.
9:02
Amy: It's like, literally, I felt well, we only watched a couple seasons, but I don't what like two seasons I think we watched.
9:10
Amy: I I Would say like 95% of the couples started off being really attracted to each other.
9:16
Amy: What do you think?
9:17
Nick: Yeah, most of them are for sure.
9:18
Nick: So they so they walk in Bride walks up to the other, and you can tell from just their smiles and their eyes and everything that they're pretty attracted to each other, right.
9:30
Nick: They're like yes so there, that starts off on a really good foot.
9:36
Nick: So immediately you think, oh, they're attracted to each other.
9:38
Nick: This should probably have a good chance of success.
9:41
Nick: But the thing I want to point out the first thing is falling in love, or Finding love, I guess, is pretty rare, because these couples start out attracted to each other and it's interesting how a lot of times they just sit back and think, oh, we're attracted to each other, so the love is gonna grow.
10:00
Nick: And it's amazing to me how much or how often the love doesn't grow, like they just sit back, and I remember one episode the guys literally just sitting back he's like I'm just waiting, I'm just waiting to have that feeling, and you're like, dude, you can't just sit and wait.
10:14
Nick: Like you got to actively be, like getting to know them and communicating with them and falling in love.
10:20
Nick: And so I think for me it was amazing how many people start out attracted to each other and by the end, how many of them just they don't fall in love.
10:31
Amy: No right.
10:31
Nick: No.
10:32
Nick: So the first point and key takeaway for me is Well, and these people let me back up these people are, like, craving to find love with someone like they.
10:43
Nick: They want that more than anything, to the point that they're willing to marry a stranger and let the experts set them up.
10:48
Nick: Yeah, so these people want love more than anything in this world, but the majority of them don't Find or don't fall in love.
10:57
Nick: And so the first key takeaway For me, anyways, is you know, falling in love or finding love can be a rare thing, like I think.
11:08
Nick: We often think, like all loves just anywhere, and we could fall in love with anyone, and but I don't know that that's the case, right?
11:15
Nick: I?
11:16
Amy: Think love takes work and I think most people are not willing to put in the work Correct.
11:20
Amy: I think they're like it's just a feeling I'm either in love or I'm not.
11:23
Amy: Doesn't work that way.
11:25
Nick: Yeah.
11:26
Nick: Yeah so If you and your spouse fell in love, then be grateful for that, because many people won't find love again.
11:35
Nick: It's rare for two people to love each other and to want to commit to each other.
11:41
Amy: Okay, you got to remember in the show these people want to commit and be married, but they're marrying a stranger, so they're not technically Really loving and committing to each other like in mere in normal marriages.
11:54
Amy: We have found that person, we have fallen in love with that person and we want to be with that person.
11:58
Amy: That's another step, right.
12:00
Amy: Yeah that's a whole another step.
12:01
Amy: Yeah, and I'm lucky to be attracted to someone and then be attracted back to you, and then for both of you to fall mutually in love so that you want to marry each other.
12:11
Amy: That is a massive step.
12:12
Nick: Exactly right.
12:13
Nick: So again I want to reiterate if you and your spouse fell in love, be grateful for that, because many people are not gonna find love and, again, it's rare for two people to fall in love with each other.
12:24
Nick: Second point I think I already mentioned this.
12:28
Amy: Oh, you can take work.
12:30
Nick: Yeah, so yeah, second thing go ahead and it takes work.
12:33
Nick: It takes work.
12:34
Amy: It takes work.
12:35
Nick: That's right.
12:35
Nick: Like we said, a lot of the couples just kind of sit back and they're like okay, love, we're just either gonna fall in love or we're not.
12:41
Nick: And it's amazing how many of them Don't really like put in that work right to fall in love.
12:49
Amy: Not even just the work to fall in love.
12:51
Amy: It's to stay in love Like.
12:52
Amy: We've been married 21 years and I am going to flat out, be 100% honest with you.
12:56
Amy: I had to work very hard many years to stay in love with Nick.
12:59
Amy: There were some really hard times and sometimes you have to work really hard at staying in love.
13:05
Amy: Staying being in love doesn't just always stay.
13:08
Nick: It does.
13:09
Nick: It takes hard work and if you listen to a podcast episode we did a while back, we talked about a celebrity that just said well, I was just waiting and it just never.
13:19
Nick: You know, it wasn't there.
13:20
Nick: It just died.
13:20
Nick: It just died and I didn't put it.
13:22
Nick: I was just waiting for it.
13:23
Nick: I didn't put in any work or any effort.
13:25
Nick: So again, if you and your spouse have put in the hard work to fall in love, be grateful for that, because there's a lot of people that won't put in the hard work and will never find that love.
13:37
Amy: And that takes both people too.
13:39
Nick: Yep.
13:39
Amy: Like, work on one person's side does not make the marriage stay in love.
13:45
Nick: For sure.
13:45
Nick: I mean, I think that takes both.
13:46
Nick: I think that we hit.
13:48
Amy: I think most of people that email us or have any sort of marriage issues is because they feel like their spouse is not putting in the effort or the intention or the work which can't stop on either side.
14:00
Amy: It literally takes both of you for a marriage to work.
14:03
Nick: Yeah.
14:03
Amy: And sometimes people get to a point where they're just they're marriages like 100% broken.
14:07
Amy: They're like my, my spouse just doesn't want to put in effort anymore.
14:10
Amy: Like it's kind of a point where you're like I don't know what to tell you, like you literally can't fix a marriage unless you're or willing to try.
14:18
Amy: Yeah, if your spouse isn't willing to try.
14:21
Nick: Yeah, you're in trouble, you really are, exactly.
14:24
Amy: And that's what happens with this show is that one person's just like yeah, you know, I'm just kind of done, like you are never committed in the beginning.
14:32
Nick: If you have that kind of attitude and save on our marriages, if you have the kind of attitude that you're just like kind of sick of trying or I don't want to put in the work anymore, like you're not committed, well, and I think you're making up a great point, because I think one of the things in the show is that they they go for eight weeks and then they get to decide at that point if they want to stay married or get divorced.
14:51
Nick: They sit down.
14:52
Amy: They sit down with the marriage professionals, reevaluate, I mean, and the marriage professionals are coming in like it's like once a week or whatever it is where they come sit down with a couple and be like how's your intimate life, how's the emotional connection, how's the role, like, how, how's your communication?
15:08
Amy: And they're like, oh, it's good, it's bad, whatever you know, and look they're in there helping them, and then they sit them down and go back over the eight weeks and kind of talk about some of the experiences that happen, good and bad, and then say, okay, do you want to stay married or do you want to divorce?
15:24
Amy: That's kind of how it works right.
15:26
Nick: Well, I wonder if also it's because they are giving them a way out and a lot of the people think, oh, I can be, I don't have to stay married if it doesn't work, you know yeah if you go into the attitude that it's like an eight week test, you're not going to make it.
15:40
Amy: Yeah for sure.
15:40
Amy: But I had a comment on the social media video the other day I can't remember it was the man or wife and she's like I think a lot of people go into marriage thinking now that it's just a divorce, like, okay, I'll give it a few years.
15:55
Amy: There's an exit strategy if I'm not super happy.
15:59
Nick: Yep.
15:59
Amy: Like if you're going and I know that everyone listening is already married, but even if that's in the back of your mind, like there's an exit strategy one day, or if things fall apart or I don't know, like we can't.
16:12
Amy: If we had that attitude at year 10, I would have been long gone.
16:17
Amy: Do you know what I?
16:18
Amy: Mean Like it's just like marriage gets harder, you're like I don't want to play this game anymore.
16:23
Amy: it's not a game, yeah for sure you committed and I think when these people are enjoying this show, it frustrated me.
16:29
Amy: This is what frustrated me most about the show Like it's entertaining and I get that it's just a show and these people probably are just like I might as well try it whatever.
16:37
Amy: we'll see what happens whatever, the thing that frustrates me is that they smile at each other at the altar, they look at each other and then they read these vows, and these vows are I promise to cherish you, I promise to stay committed to you, I promise to take care of your needs, blah, blah, blah.
16:51
Amy: And then at week two they're like no, never mind, I take that all back.
16:54
Amy: Yeah like don't read those then to a stranger like that frustrates me Totally short lived, totally short lived.
17:00
Amy: Like I hate when people like promise stuff, I promise to this, I commit to this, I commit to this, and they're like never mind, I just take it back.
17:07
Amy: Like don't say it like that's yeah, I like I.
17:09
Amy: The thing I would change about the show is that I'm like don't read vows, like that's fine, if you want to say I see, you don't even know the person.
17:16
Amy: You don't even know the person.
17:17
Amy: But you can't commit or promise to do all these things, like all of us who actually made commitments and promises to our spouse when we got married because we knew our spouse, because we knew our spouse.
17:27
Amy: Yeah, you keep those you keep those you make, you keep, you make promises, if you know what I mean.
17:34
Amy: Yeah, we gotta do better at keeping promises.
17:36
Nick: So the third thing that we learned is physical attraction to each other is very important and I'm gonna have a caveat on this.
17:44
Nick: But you know, many, many couples in the show come out and, like we said, it's apparent they're attracted to each other, but if the physical attraction isn't there, then it's really hard.
17:56
Nick: They all, they automatically shut down and it's hard for the emotional connection to happen.
18:01
Nick: But I will say this on the flip side, just like we talked about, for most couples the physical attraction is there, but because they can't connect emotionally or they they just can't, can't seem to fall in love by doing the things that they need to do, that's it's almost like the physical attraction leaves as well, like it doesn't matter how beautiful they are.
18:24
Nick: If, if things you know, they aren't doing the things to stay emotionally connected and get to know each other and and everything, then they lose that physical attraction to each other as well for sure, don't you agree?
18:39
Amy: yeah?
18:39
Amy: So because when you get past that first little stage, there's so much more things that create attraction.
18:49
Amy: Right, yeah, then just looks yep and we just did an episode on staying physically attractive and attracted in your marriage, so go back to where we talked more about that few episodes ago but another thing I find hilarious about this show good or bad, and I don't know, you can give me your thoughts on this the husbands come out looking the way they look right, because they're men, and then they go pile like 10 pounds of makeup on these women, right, fake, every like fake eyelashes, pounds of lipstick, foundation, whatever, cover up all the flaws, and the wife walks out hours of hair whatever.
19:28
Amy: And then they a revealing dress, right, sexy, revealing dress.
19:34
Amy: And they're like dang, okay, so my wife.
19:36
Amy: And then, like three hours later, they're like oh, time to go to bed.
19:40
Amy: And the wife walks out, takes up all of her mask, puts on her comfy pajamas that are totally covering your like just and crazy hair, right yeah crazy hair and they're like oh, by the way, this is actually me right, which is awesome that they feel amazing on their wedding day, like I get that.
20:01
Amy: But I kind of, at the same point, like kind of feel bad for the guy right, because it's like like, oh wait, that's not.
20:09
Nick: I don't know, but most the guys are like you're beautiful without all that makeup on.
20:12
Amy: I mean I hope so, yeah, but you gotta remember these are like complete strangers, like when we put wedding makeup on on our wedding day.
20:19
Amy: You already love us, for who?
20:20
Amy: You are you've already seen us.
20:21
Amy: You've already seen us at our worst.
20:24
Amy: Looks right, we're just looking nice for our wedding day, and you know days like that you also look nice, babe, no, but.
20:31
Amy: I just I just think it was interesting.
20:34
Amy: I don't know it's funny how that works to me yeah, for sure but what I'm trying to get out of that point is that that night, when all the fake comes off, this is who I really am.
20:45
Amy: That's where that deep physical traction starts coming in right.
20:50
Amy: That's where it starts taking work.
20:52
Amy: Okay, I am not the kind of guy that just needs a mask on you, like I do.
20:57
Amy: I do really like you for who you are, okay.
20:59
Amy: So it's funny how, over the next few weeks, that attraction just seems to just fade.
21:06
Amy: Yeah, like they get to know each other's flaws and weaknesses and get frustrated and all of a sudden they're like I'm not physically attracted, like some of the spouses have said, I'm not attracted to them anymore.
21:17
Nick: Like yeah, crazy, it's just crazy, it is crazy.
21:22
Nick: You know what I?
21:22
Amy: mean it's just a drama, but I mean that's real life though, like it is you get to a point in marriage where you're like I have to find that attraction in a deeper way, which we talked about already, I know yeah.
21:34
Nick: So the point we're trying to make is if you and your spouse are physically attracted to each other or we're physically attracted to each other be grateful for that because many couples aren't or won't be, and if you're married, like we said in the podcast episode about attraction, you can get that back.
21:52
Amy: You can work on things together.
21:53
Amy: There's just yeah, that's a whole episode in itself.
21:57
Nick: All right, now we're gonna get into the deeper stuff.
21:59
Nick: Fourth thing we learned is that emotional intimacy truly is the foundation.
22:06
Nick: As we've said, a lot of these couples are very attracted to each other and you think, oh man, this chemistry is gonna be there, it's gonna continue to get stronger, but it quickly dies when that emotional intimacy isn't there.
22:18
Nick: You know Whether the couples have a hard time talking to each other or opening up, or they have different personalities.
22:23
Nick: You know, one was very outgoing and the other one isn't.
22:27
Nick: It's just interesting to watch the dynamics.
22:30
Nick: But it one thing across the board is the couples that have a Good emotional connection or and are able to talk and communicate are typically the couples that always succeed.
22:42
Nick: Right, I mean, it's pretty self-explanatory, but but again, if the emotional intimacy isn't there, the physical intimacy also quickly fades.
22:51
Amy: Okay.
22:51
Amy: So going Talking about the show and this aspect, we watched the season, the first season that we really watched.
22:58
Amy: I'm just gonna point out two couples.
23:01
Amy: So the first couple started sleeping together, like I mean, they're, they're legally married, okay, so within a few nights, right, like they got into that sexual intimacy really fast.
23:11
Amy: The other couple and it doesn't show anything, it's a totally appropriate show, like it.
23:17
Amy: Yeah, they're really good at how they film it, but they, they will start talking to the experts and make comments like yes, we've been intimate, whatever.
23:25
Amy: This other couple I want to talk about, she was like nope, I don't want to kiss at the altar.
23:30
Amy: She had put her boundary up.
23:32
Amy: Like he's gonna earn the sexual intimacy because even though we're married quote married we're still strangers.
23:40
Amy: And so we watch their relationship go to being unpassionate and very, very much surface level.
23:48
Amy: We've just met.
23:48
Amy: We have to let this grow.
23:50
Amy: And we watch their emotional intimacy really really built right, like it was really cute to watch, like he was doing really romantic things.
23:59
Amy: I mean, she was, she was a harder personality, like at the very beginning of the show.
24:03
Amy: We're like there's no way this couple is ever gonna make it.
24:06
Amy: After day one, and they totally proved us wrong.
24:09
Amy: I don't I didn't watch the after, so I don't know exactly what happened.
24:13
Amy: After the eight weeks they decided to stay together and we ended up like falling in love with their relationship because it was so cute.
24:20
Amy: But they took it so slow, like they really focused on that emotional foundation and so when they did decide to consummate the marriage and take it to that passionate level, you could see when they were like comparing the different couples and just like listening to them.
24:37
Amy: You could see the difference from the ones that really built on that emotional for sure nation and Tying that into just our relationships, like, of course, we always say, emotional connection has got to be strong.
24:49
Amy: Yeah, right for sure.
24:51
Nick: So again, if you and your spouse have a good, good emotional intimacy, be grateful for that, because there's a lot of couples that don't.
24:58
Nick: Now this kind of goes into the next one, which you know.
25:03
Nick: Communication is key.
25:05
Nick: I am just blown away by how many couples on the show can't communicate well or won't communicate how they're feeling with each other, and this quickly show.
25:15
Nick: That quickly gets into holding resentment and you know just, things go downhill from there and fast and fast.
25:24
Nick: I we say this all the time and all the most, all the podcasts we do how Almost everything in marriage can be resolved with good communication.
25:35
Nick: And I sincerely believe that if you can sit down and talk about things Talk about the hard things, the easy things just have those, those good times of communicating together, it's amazing how that literally is the key to a A good and healthy relationship for sure.
25:56
Nick: All right.
25:57
Nick: Moving on, the next thing we learned is that Most people don't get along with each other, no matter how badly they want to, I mean.
26:08
Amy: Well, look at everybody, we're like a hundred percent.
26:12
Amy: I mean even me and Nick.
26:13
Amy: We were like okay, so we played our own truth or dare game last night.
26:16
Amy: Actually, we just really wanted to have some really good conversations last night, so we did a lot of truth and Like every answer I was laughing, I was like oh, I'm opposite, opposite.
26:27
Amy: Oh, we're opposite.
26:28
Amy: Oh nope, I know you're gonna say that I'm the opposite, like every question every single question.
26:34
Amy: I was like hey, how do we even work?
26:36
Amy: We're so opposite, I know, I know, but we were laughing and I'm like that's because we respect that.
26:44
Nick: We're opposite and we communicate a lot.
26:47
Amy: But we were number one.
26:48
Amy: We respect the we're opposite and we realize I'm like okay, you're like that and I'm the complete opposite.
26:53
Amy: That's okay.
26:54
Amy: Yeah right, that's okay.
26:55
Nick: It's totally like you take like everyone's different backgrounds and upremings and personalities and love, languages and hobbies and talents and you see that come out in the show and you're like Holy smokes, how in the world, like are they gonna get along?
27:11
Nick: But a lot of it isn't, and you bring up a great point.
27:15
Nick: A lot of it isn't because they have Different likes or dislikes or things like that, because, like us, like you said, you and I are totally different in a lot of ways.
27:25
Amy: But I almost recognize that we do recognize it.
27:27
Amy: But I almost think they're too immature to be like well, you're too different for me, it's not gonna work.
27:32
Amy: Yeah, like I think there's a maturity level where you're like it's okay if we're different.
27:36
Amy: Marriage can still be amazing.
27:38
Amy: They look people like look at that difference, and then they're just like I'm out.
27:42
Nick: Well and that's interesting, a lot of the experts say that we intentionally matched them up because they were different, so that they could help balance each other out, yeah and I think that's so true.
27:51
Nick: Like you see, one that is really extreme in one way and Another one that's on the other side, and they they can help pull each other out of their shells or balance each other out, which can be really really good and really healthy.
28:03
Nick: But many of the couples look at that and say, well, we're just too different, I'm not gonna change my way, like so, because we're different, because I'm not going to change my ways, this is never going to work.
28:13
Nick: And it's amazing how many couples you look at a lot of couples and you look at them and say these couples could be really good together.
28:21
Nick: Amazing together, but they don't, they don't recognize they.
28:24
Nick: They don't recognize that.
28:26
Nick: They just look at the differences and quickly give up on the relationship.
28:32
Nick: And it's amazing how quickly they seem to give up right Like they're like oh, this just isn't going to work.
28:38
Amy: And obviously a lot of them have trauma and they put up walls and they have barriers and they have I don't know what crap a lot of these people have gone through, but they need their own therapy first.
28:50
Amy: Yes, exactly, exactly Like a lot of them will be like okay, I hope the therapist comes in and works with just you, because you obviously have so much baggage, because you just put up this wall against her and she's got no chance now and she's trying her very hardest.
29:05
Amy: Do you know what I mean?
29:06
Amy: But you take these personalities and it's almost like they get to a point where they're like we can't even compromise.
29:11
Amy: We're just too different.
29:12
Nick: I'm like well and I don't say this to be, I don't say this to be bad, but in a lot of cases there's a reason they're single and they're in their mid to late 30s.
29:21
Nick: I mean.
29:22
Amy: Well, most of them are like early 30s, but or even late 20s.
29:26
Nick: But you look at them and they're like so badly want a relationship and they've had so many relationships and they haven't worked out, but they're not willing to change themselves.
29:33
Nick: Yeah, a lot of the times they're just like you know, and they'll talk about it like what.
29:37
Nick: They'll sit down, talk about things as couples and say, okay, what, how are we going to handle this?
29:42
Nick: And you'll hear a spouse say, well, I'm not even.
29:43
Nick: That's not, even not, that's not negotiable for me.
29:47
Nick: I'm not, I'm not you know compromising on that and you're just like what in the?
29:51
Amy: world.
29:51
Amy: You're never getting married, dude.
29:52
Amy: Yeah, you're never gonna, never gonna work.
29:55
Nick: So what we're getting at is, if you and your spouse get along, be grateful for that, because many couples don't.
30:05
Amy: Oh, I think that's pretty common one.
30:06
Amy: I think that just takes a lot of maturity and a lot of communication for sure and boundaries to.
30:13
Nick: Well, and the other thing is, the majority of marriages don't succeed, even if it seems like the perfect couple.
30:22
Nick: So on paper, the marriage experts match them up and you're like these are marriage experts.
30:28
Amy: These are marriage and there's there's three different kind, like they kind of specialize in three different areas.
30:34
Amy: Right.
30:35
Amy: Yeah like they're different, they don't just all focus, they, they're really good experts Like I really like them.
30:41
Nick: But you look at it on paper and you say okay, you have three marriage experts setting these people up, they're putting them together like this on paper.
30:50
Nick: This should work.
30:52
Amy: Yeah.
30:52
Nick: And it's amazing how the majority of them don't work.
30:57
Amy: Mm, hmm.
30:57
Nick: And you know you're like.
30:59
Nick: Well, the marriage experts just not know what they're doing, and obviously you know they do.
31:03
Nick: But the point that we want to make with that is you know, even the perfect marriages you would think would be perfect don't succeed.
31:15
Nick: So you know, I guess what I'm saying is marriage.
31:20
Nick: Marriage is very hard for a lot of people and if you are a couple that's made it this far, you have something special, and maybe it wasn't the marriage experts that set you up, but obviously God brought you together, which is more meaningful and special, which makes you have a much better chance of success in your marriage.
31:41
Amy: This is sorry, I don't want to be negative, but this is kind of sad.
31:44
Amy: I was thinking about this the other day.
31:47
Amy: 50% of marriages don't make it right.
31:49
Amy: Me and Nick were talking about this.
31:51
Amy: The other 50% of marriages that do make it, what would you say is the percentage that's actually happy?
31:57
Amy: Because I think there's a lot of people that are like I just do it for the kids, I'm just staying with her till the kids are right.
32:03
Amy: Yeah, probably less than 50%.
32:05
Nick: I would guess Less than 50% of that 50%.
32:10
Amy: We guess.
32:10
Amy: So 50% get divorced and the half of the 50% are not super happy.
32:15
Nick: I mean, we know a lot of people that you would probably consider that are just together.
32:21
Amy: Yeah, so I guess that's my point is, we can do better.
32:27
Nick: Yeah, we can.
32:29
Nick: We can do a lot better society.
32:31
Amy: I mean, we talk about all those things that wreck this right, but I think the number one thing that we I'm trying to say is that comparing yourself to other marriages is what makes you unhappy.
32:44
Amy: Exactly I really do, because I feel like it's the social media, it's the shows, it's the movies, the chick flicks, that just all those things that we put in our mind, that we think, oh, they're doing better, or it's supposed to look like this, or it's supposed to be easier than this, or whatever it is Like.
33:05
Amy: I think our expectations kill our happiness.
33:08
Amy: No question, and so I think that 25 or whatever it is, that 50% that stay married, but that big percentage that aren't super happy, do it to themselves.
33:17
Amy: No question, no question, right it's a choice whether you want to be happy or not.
33:19
Nick: So this whole podcast is like coming down to be grateful for what you have.
33:24
Nick: I mean, these are the things that we learned from married at first sight, like be extremely grateful for what you have instead of focusing on the things that you don't have.
33:31
Amy: I think the reason that me and Nick even got sucked into this wasn't because, oh, it's so drama, it's like when people start falling apart, it broke our hearts, like it breaks our hearts to watch marriages fall apart, especially when we see two people and we're like they could be a power couple.
33:46
Amy: They could be amazing together.
33:47
Amy: I love both of them.
33:48
Amy: I'm so glad they set them up and it's heartbreaking to watch.
33:52
Nick: It's just the little things.
33:53
Nick: It's the little things that cause them to just fall apart.
33:57
Amy: It totally is.
33:59
Nick: Yeah, the next thing we learned is a lot of people have issues and toxic behaviors.
34:06
Nick: Like you watch the show and you're like man, you see someone that looks like they're going to be just very easy going and easy to get along with.
34:17
Nick: Then you get down here like you're a mess, then yeah, you find out they're just a total mess or they have anger issues or different things like that.
34:24
Nick: It's amazing how many people out there are dealing with issues have anger issues or toxic behaviors.
34:34
Nick: If you're one of those marriages out there that are void of toxic behaviors or serious issues, be grateful for that.
34:41
Amy: Yeah Well crazy.
34:42
Amy: Yeah, be grateful or don't put up with it regardless.
34:47
Nick: So I think we kind of hit on the pinpointed up first, or hit on it first is every time after Amy and I get done watching the episodes, we again are just like I'm so grateful for you.
34:59
Nick: I couldn't imagine not being married to you.
35:01
Nick: I couldn't imagine being in a relationship like we're seeing here on TV.
35:06
Amy: That's what I was going to say, that I lost my thought.
35:08
Amy: The whole purpose that we started really loving that show is because every single night we'd look at each other and be like I'm so grateful for you, I love you Like, don't you think?
35:19
Nick: Yeah, and if you watch that show you'll feel the same way.
35:21
Amy: You'll be like man, I got it.
35:24
Nick: I got it really really good.
35:26
Nick: Like again, I think, a lot of times we often think that all the grass would be greener on the other side.
35:32
Nick: You watch the season of this show and I promise you you're going to be extremely grateful for what you have and your spouse and the things that you have in your life.
35:41
Amy: It looks like all fun and games and happiness till like day four, and then you're like whoa, okay, we made it past that.
35:48
Nick: Yeah, exactly, without our first fight right Exactly.
35:51
Nick: So, anyways, I guess the point of this podcast episode is be grateful for what you have instead of focusing on what you don't have, because most people would give everything they have to have what you have in your marriage.
36:07
Amy: Just to have a marriage.
36:08
Amy: Just to have a marriage To have somebody that loves them back and they love them back equally.
36:15
Amy: And you've been there.
36:16
Nick: And if you don't believe us, just go watch this show.
36:18
Nick: Watch this show about how these people want more than anything to find love, to find what you have in your relationship and the chances.
36:27
Nick: I guess the success rate is so low and you just realize that, oh, my marriage is really good.
36:36
Nick: It may not be perfect, but it's really good and I should really be grateful for the things that I have, instead of focusing on, maybe, the things that I don't have.
36:43
Amy: I gotta throw a disclaimer out real quick though.
36:46
Amy: The show is a show, so, yeah, some of it can be not super realistic, so you gotta look in that perspective, right.
36:54
Amy: But the only negative that I found is that we got like some of the episodes would be like oh, just one more.
37:02
Amy: Oh, just one more.
37:03
Amy: Some nights we'd be like let's just turn on that show really quick, because I gotta see if they made it Like be careful when you start a show like that, because you make sure we, we make sure the night, because we don't like to get into shows so that we're like so addicted that we're like wanting to stay up all night or like yeah like you know, the couples that could be on series, and they kind of just started neglecting their life Totally or their marriage right.
37:28
Nick: Binge watching.
37:29
Amy: Binge watching, like literally, but as long as you could like connect.
37:33
Amy: First, make sure you're intimate often.
37:36
Amy: Don't let the show like take over your, your marriage like, because you're addicted to a marriage show.
37:40
Nick: That's a great point and, honestly, like there's a lot of nights where Amy and I were like let's make love first and then let's put on an episode and then we'll put on an episode.
37:48
Amy: But we gotta make sure we turn it off after one.
37:50
Nick: So we, so we prioritize our marriage and our intimacy first, and then we can know okay, we can watch an episode and we're not gonna be too tired afterwards.
37:58
Amy: Exactly.
37:59
Amy: That's my whole point.
37:59
Amy: I'm like, don't let our recommendation or and I don't let it hurt your marriage in any way?
38:06
Nick: Yeah, and I think second takeaway or thought is watching this really can help your marriage, like that's what I've noticed, like watching what other people are doing wrong or the mistakes that they're making really helps you reflect on your relationship.
38:22
Amy: And I know for us like watching that show, like we learn a lot from it, right, Well, sometimes I was like I can't believe he just did that, she just did that to him.
38:30
Amy: That's so dumb.
38:31
Amy: Oh wait, I've done that before.
38:32
Nick: I'm sorry, right, yeah but it really, I mean again, I think watching it you can really learn a lot which, if you let it, can actually enhance and and be a good thing for your marriage, where a lot, of, a lot of shows you watch would be more of a negative.
38:49
Nick: But I think you can pull some positives out of this as to what not to do in your relationship.
38:56
Amy: Well, there's a couple things that really frustrated me, like if they started fighting, or there was one.
39:00
Amy: There was one episode where this we loved this couple.
39:04
Amy: We're like they're so cute together, they're perfect for each other.
39:06
Amy: I can see how they're like missing pieces for each other, like what a great connection.
39:10
Amy: And then, all of a sudden, this episode he starts swearing at her and cuts her off and locks her out of the room, just like stupid crap.
39:20
Amy: I just lost all respect for you, dude, all respect like I don't even like you anymore, like you don't ever do something like that to a wife.
39:27
Amy: And then she goes up for gives them and blah, blah, blah.
39:29
Amy: I think they end up staying together.
39:30
Amy: I don't.
39:31
Amy: I don't know where they're at now, but I'm like I don't know there's.
39:36
Amy: There are certain moments where I'm like it's.
39:38
Amy: I just want to skip over that one yeah because I wanted positivity, right.
39:43
Amy: Like, definitely try to pull out the positive messages.
39:45
Amy: Make sure you're more grateful.
39:47
Amy: I don't know it's.
39:48
Amy: I don't know it's interesting.
39:50
Nick: It was interesting so let us know what you think of this episode, what your thoughts are, and maybe go watch a couple episodes and let us know what you think see if we're spot on or for crazy, I don't know yeah but hopefully enjoyed this podcast.
40:05
Nick: We love all of you and pray for your marriages all the time and, like always, we just hope you're finding ultimate intimacy in your relationship.