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Taylor’s Massage · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over:
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: Okay, I am sitting in my car in a parking lot, so if you hear background noise, John Mark style, my apologies. But we have to talk about this. What just happened? I do not even have words. First of all, the first time someone suggested to me that I get a massage, I completely dismissed it.
• 1:31
  It was actually in 02/2014, 2015 when I was going through cancer and chemo, and all of those things really mess up the lymph nodes. And so it was suggested to me at that time I would heal properly or better something if I got massages. That was not going to happen, and I was not participating and even entertaining that idea. Then as I got diagnosed with Sjogren's, and then there's also other auto autoimmune stuff happening since then. There's rheumatoid arthritis has been confirmed.
• 2:09
  And so my autoimmune, my body is not happy, and I'm having to tend to it. There is all the trauma from childhood. There's the last rough couple of years, and it has done a number on my body, and my body is raging. So then it was suggested to me again. Maybe I should get massages, and it would help.
• 2:33
  No. That is not happening. We are not even entertaining that idea. Okay? So then I moved here.
• 2:42
  And what has happened over the last six months? First of all, is that there has been no harm happening to my body for six months. There has also been no good in that. There's no touching. I'm not I am single.
• 3:00
  I am happy about being single. I plan on staying single. At this point, you know, we're just going to Elizabeth the first. We're gonna go with that plan the way she married her country. I'm just gonna marry the podcast.
• 3:14
  I'm gonna stay single and serve my people. And my people are the folks inside me. That is who I need to be tending to. So it has been six months months of recovery, six months of settling in where we live, six months of being so delighted to be here. I can't even tell you how good it has been for us.
• 3:37
  But then what happened is that my doctor at my annual visit and all my lab workday brought it up again that I would feel better if I got regular massages because of the lymph node, lymphatic, whatever that system is called. I don't know how that works. I am not that kind of doctor. I am a book doctor, a feelings doctor. That's how my kids describe me.
• 4:07
  And I have just had an epic, I just can't. But I talked to my doctor about it, and he's like, listen. I am not saying that you just have to jump into it full force. I'm not saying you have to like it or want it. I'm saying I think it would be worth your body to give it a try in safe ways.
• 4:30
  And he mentioned a particular place that I could go that he thought from his own experiences and experiences of other patients would be safe enough, and they would work with me. Okay. Fine. I still dismissed it, but at least he's understanding the trauma aspect. You guys, I have the best doctor for the first time in my life, and I never thought I would ever, ever say that.
• 4:57
  But he is so kind. He is so queer friendly. He is so body positivity. He was like, the BMI is nonsense. Don't listen to that.
• 5:07
  You are shaped like your ancestors. You eat well. You move well. All of your labs are great. Your blood pressure is great.
• 5:16
  Your sugar levels are fine. You're not at risk for anything other than what you've already been through. Don't worry about it. And it was so liberating to hear a care provider say this instead of the annual walk of shame about how my body shape is all wrong for all the reasons I can't actually do much about, not in healthy ways. Right?
• 5:43
  And so I really appreciated that. But because of that conversation, it opened up trust for these other conversations. And so while I did not dismiss him, I also did not call them and say, could I have an appointment, please? I did, however, make note and open up to the idea in a step two kind of way that it's a possibility that things could be different, that maybe there are safe places out there if I would ever be interested that could make it possible even for me. And that's as far as we went with that.
• 6:24
  Now fast forward some months, and my friends who themselves get massages were like we have this amazing massage place and this woman is so good and kind and gentle and safe and this is where you should go if you are ever interested. Like, they were really just sharing in conversation in passing. They were not proselytizing massage people. Okay? So it was powerful to me, though, profound to me, though, because they mentioned the same place as my doctor had recommended.
• 7:01
  But still, I'm like, y'all don't know what I have been through. I do not need hands on my body. The last thing I need are hands on my body. And so just no. But then there was a time I was going to meet my friend for lunch, and my friend was getting a massage.
• 7:20
  And it was nearby where we were meeting to eat. And so I was like, okay. I'll just go check it out. So I went over. I just walked across the parking lot.
• 7:31
  I went over, and I opened the door, except I could not because the door was locked. Y'all, that's how safe they keep it. While you are in your session, they lock the door, like the outside door. No one can get in there. That got my attention, actually.
• 7:50
  So I just went back to my car and waited on my friend. But when my friend was done, they opened the door, and I was able to go in and meet this person. I was able to get a little tour. I was able to get in the room and look at the room and see what it's like. All the windows are blocked off, and there's, like, this fireplace and this bed that is the massage table, but it's covered in blankets and not just sheets, but, like, blankets.
• 8:21
  And even the blanket that you go under is, like, weighted. Like, it's heavy and cozy. It was so safe in so many ways. The lights were dim. There were candles.
• 8:33
  There was music. There were smells, but nothing was overpowering. Everything was gentle, gentle, gentle. And so I was like, okay. You're winning.
• 8:46
  I will think about it. And I talked about it in therapy for about a month. And during that month, we talked about all the terrible things that could go wrong. Number one, someone touching me. Number two, what if I switched and something weird happened?
• 9:06
  Number three, what if she touched me in some place or some way or something happened where memories came up? Like, we talked about all the things and also how I have the power to intervene on any of those things and tend to myself and my system and my body. And during the weeks that we were talking about this, I was in several different situations where I actually got to practice this in real time. There was a time I was at the river, and I was walking. And then this homeless person, this I know you're supposed to say unhoused, but I think that is so elitist and white and classist that you are assuming they had a house to begin with.
• 10:01
  Some people did, and that's fine. And I'm sorry the tragedy and all the awful politics around it that make housing hard. I fight for housing every week of my life. I get it in my own way, but I hate the word unhousing. I think it is ableist and unfair, classist.
• 10:20
  It is like spitting in the face of poverty. As it I think it's also ableist in a way of putting on them the burden of being unhoused as if they just had a house that would fix all the things that led up to whatever their situation is, which I know is different for everybody. But I digress. That's a different side quest. But a but I got the point is I got accosted.
• 10:51
  I'm going to use that word very directly and intentionally by someone who was clearly in the unhoused category, a homeless person who was themselves not well. I I have a lot of clinical experience. I am not this person's therapist. I do not feel like they were on something. I think they were off something.
• 11:14
  You know what I mean? Like, they needed some medication that they are not on, and that is what is wrong as opposed to assuming that they were high or drunk or something. I don't think it was like that. And, also, I have a lot of training from working inpatient, from working residential settings, from working in hospitals. I know what to do in those kinds of situations, and I experienced my body's training just kicking into action.
• 11:44
  You guys, this is one of the things I love about my therapist. My therapist is a badass, and now it's like suddenly I think I am one, and it keeps showing up in these different ways. And in this moment at the river, I didn't even get afraid. Not like I dismissed my fear or I overrode my fear. Like, fear just didn't happen.
• 12:06
  I was like, oh, I know how to handle this. Here's what I do. My training kicked into action. I got the person settled down, and I was like, listen. You can't be doing that to people.
• 12:18
  Someone could get hurt. That's just what I said. And then we had this amazing conversation, And I was like, is there anything you need right now? Can I do anything for you? And they were like, I'm out of water.
• 12:30
  And I'm like, well, you have a water fountain over here. Is there something else that I could get you? Not that water bottles aren't helpful, but you at least have access to water. So is there something else you are needing or wanting? Like, do you need food?
• 12:45
  Do you need socks? Do you need shoes? That you've got a pile of clothes here, so that's not it. But do you need underwear, socks? Like, what can I get you that you don't have that is within also my capacity and boundaries?
• 12:59
  Right. So we had a whole conversation. I ran and got them a sandwich and some socks, and I came back. They also asked for some aspirin. Nobody wants to be in pain.
• 13:09
  I get that. I had an aspirin in my car. So just some ibuprofen. And so I gave them an ibuprofen and the things. So I'm not saying that that is what you are supposed to do.
• 13:21
  I certainly would not prescribe that or recommend or suggest that. But it is how in the moment I handled this situation and got to experience myself navigating what could have been frightening just fine. I handled it. Like, look at me having access to my system and my own history to be able to pull up that information from a job I had ten years ago, from settings I worked in twenty years ago, that I knew how to respond. So really, this was actually really empowering for me.
• 13:55
  The other situation that happened was that I wanted to go to this queer Jewish event. You had to bring my alphabet group had to bring a side dish. So I worked really hard on having the money. Don't laugh at me. It's a big deal that I had to have the money to do this.
• 14:14
  I worked really hard to save up the money to be able to buy the vegetables, to make a salad, and to take the salad. I then also had to drive through, like, an hour and a half of hellish traffic. You all, maybe they have traffic where the where you live. Maybe traffic is just a thing. But I am from the South, and the only time we have traffic is, like, if there is a horse and buggy, if there is a tractor slowing things down.
• 14:45
  And usually, they don't go far or they pull over after a bit and let you pass them. I am not used to traffic. And being in the traffic where you could die because these people are like, we're going where we're going, whether you understand that or not, and we're just gonna plow you down. Like, it is terrifying to me. And so I have a lot of anxiety with that.
• 15:08
  And I had to go through 05:00 traffic, which is even worse, but I was going towards the city instead of out of it, so that helped. But I had to go at that time to get there for the dinner. Right? And so I'm going to this event. I have the salad.
• 15:26
  I get through traffic. All of this that I've worked hard, the socializing in person, I only know a few of these people from Zoom, from, like, Torah study, and, like, what to even what to even expect in person. I don't know. I've never been to this place. So I've been prepping for this in therapy for weeks.
• 15:47
  I get there. I find it. I figure out where I'm supposed to park and where I supposed to go in, which is a whole other thing. Y'all, that was a whole thing in itself. But finally, I get there.
• 15:59
  I throw my salad onto the table. People devour it, and I am, like, having a panic attack. It is like all of the nerves that I had to work through to get there suddenly were surfacing all at once, and I am going to cry and not be able to breathe and possibly pass out or die. That's what it felt like. These are feelings, not accurate thoughts.
• 16:21
  And, also, my body is in crisis is what it feels like. And I was able to find a bathroom, to go in the bathroom, splash my face with water, do some deep breathing, leave and go for a walk around the park near where the picnic was, and be okay. And I pulled myself through that and got to experience myself pulling myself through it, and it was positively a profound experience. So just randomly, without any forethought is it forethought? A forethought?
• 16:59
  Any fourth without thinking about it ahead of time, I just randomly, one day, pulled out the card from this massage therapist and emailed and said, I really want to try this, but I'm absolutely terrified. She knew this because my friends helped me talk to her, because I talked to her. And I said, and also, it feels like something important to do to try before my children come back from the summer. Because if something terrible happens or goes sideways, I'm going to need time to recover. And it would be easier for that to happen without children home to parent than when I need to go home and be a good mom.
• 17:45
  Being a good mom is important and present. And, also, if I have opportunity to push myself therapeutically, doing it while they're out of town is an excellent opportunity for growth. So you all, today, just now, I did the thing. I went and I got my first massage ever in my life, and I want to tell you about it. I am going to tell you about my body.
• 18:16
  Kim, my apologies. Y'all, if you don't wanna hear about my body, don't listen. I am not trying to be grotesque or sexual in any way. And, also, that is part of the point. She at no time shamed my body, made anything gross, and nothing was sexual.
• 18:36
  And to be touched safely where you are adding the good and to not be harmed sexually y'all, I came out of there with some kind of secure relationship with my massage therapist I just met. I don't even know what happened. But now she I like I don't know what to tell you. I don't have words to tell you. I'm talking around it because I do not have the words.
• 19:05
  I suddenly have in my arsenal of care, which sounds aggressive, but that's how badass this is. I suddenly have an amazing therapist and an amazing massage therapist. Like, it just is all of a sudden out of the blue. That's what it feels like. It really has been six months or ten years of preparing for this moment.
• 19:35
  And, also, it was so, so intentional. I needed my body to be reclaimed, and I needed to do the reclaiming. I needed to know that the last person who touched my body was a safe person who was caring. I needed to I needed to shake off whatever it surfaces when your body is not safe with someone or when trauma or memory time is surfacing, I needed that washed away. And y'all, I can't go to a church and get baptized because I'm gay.
• 20:16
  So I needed an alternative. I could not just go dunk myself and call it even. I have since learned, as you heard in the presentation, that is called spiritual bypassing, which does not actually solve anything. But this, to actually wipe away all the things, to have warm towels all over every ounce of me, to have safe touch, push all of that out of me, to welcome in all of the good. I can't even tell you what just happened.
• 20:57
  The degree of physical healing I experienced. So let me tell you about it. First, I've had all this prep work. I've explained that a bit. When I arrived today, I was already crying.
• 21:15
  She still did not make fun of me. I was trying to be very calm and talk to her, but without my consent, tears were just pouring down my face. So I was fine. Y'all understand this. I know you do.
• 21:30
  I was fine, but my body was crying before I even got in the door. Okay? So I walked in, and she took me to the same room she showed me. It's not like she showed me one room and then took me to a different place. The same room she had shown me the last time I came just for a tour.
• 21:53
  She showed me around again. She showed me that I could lay down or sit up on the table. But if I sat up, this is what we could do. If I laid down, this is what we could do. And she told me I could be between the sheets to stay covered all the time or not if I didn't want that.
• 22:18
  She told me I could wear all of my clothes or take off however many I was comfortable with. Now let me tell you. I'm sorry, Kim. I'm sorry. Here we go.
• 22:29
  Let me tell you. I had actually already talked about this at length in therapy. My therapist is a fan of massages and also on my side and was not pushing me at all. But what we did talk about is what a massage would feel like with my clothes on and the pros and cons of that. And ultimately, I decided, it would actually be harder to do that than to take my clothes off.
• 22:58
  So you guys, I'm sorry, Kim. Here we go. Kim, I'm so sorry. I'm just gonna keep apologizing to Kim. Okay.
• 23:09
  Here we go. So, yes, I took off all of my clothes except for what my kids call my unders. Right? My underwear, I left on. But my pants and my socks and my shoes and my shirt and my bra, I took off.
• 23:24
  Now let me be clear. To do this, she stepped out. The door closed. I changed really fast and flew under that sheet. I was not gonna be standing there by the waiting room door with all my clothes off.
• 23:37
  Right? So I got under the sheets just like at the doctor. So then it felt, like, not comfortable, but familiar enough. I don't even wanna say safe enough, but familiar enough. And then I just had to be in that familiar place of waiting.
• 23:58
  And then she knocked before she came back in. So once she came in, I knew she was coming. So I knew by how she moved the blankets where she was going to go next. So while I was laying like, the whole drive to get there, I was like, what if I can't do it? What if I can't do it?
• 24:21
  What if I can't do it? And I heard my therapist voice saying, well, so what if you can't? You just go home if you wanna go home or go across the street and get something to eat or go for a walk and call a friend. Like, there's lots of things you can do if you can't do it. If you don't wanna do it, you don't have to do it.
• 24:38
  And that, I think, is really important and part of my system capacity to consent because I could say no. And y'all, I have lived a lifetime where I was not allowed to say no. This is so new to me. I am for the first time in my life in spaces and relationships, not dating, not dating, but all the ships where I have a right to say no. Right?
• 25:06
  And so I I thought through that and walked myself through that. What do I do if I can't? All the way there. The whole drive there. It's a little bit of a drive for me.
• 25:18
  The whole drive there, this was going through my head. But you all, once I was on the table so I laid face down first. And once I was on the table and I was already crying even though nothing was wrong, and it was not the kind of cry of, like, littles are afraid. It was, like, collapse cry, like, relief cry. Like, this was my ritual of coming home to myself, doctor Tama style.
• 25:48
  This was my ritual of reclaiming my body, and it was like me for the first time hearing my body as a member of my system and how hard what the hard has been is the best way I can say that right now. So I didn't wonder anymore if I could do it because I was already there doing it. And I think that's the first time I've ever been conscious of that in that way. And I was waiting for her to come in, and all this just started flooding through in my head of how much my body has pushed through, of all the things that have happened, of how disconnected from myself I was. I was having conversations with my friend Laura Brown this morning, and so there was lots coming up for me because we were talking about so many different things.
• 26:43
  And I was telling her I had interviewed doctor Tema, and we were talking about all this. So all this freshness was coming up. And one thing she talks about in price of admission, you guys know, is about isolation. That's also a big part of recovery that when we're in interpersonal violence, we get isolated for our own communities. So realizing how isolated I was from my body, how isolated I have been from my friends.
• 27:09
  Like, Laura's like, where the hell were you? What even happened? And I'm like, you know what? That's a friend. That's a friend who says what is happening to you because you are not okay because I can't find you in the universe.
• 27:22
  As opposed to people who are like, I'm gonna gossip about you and be mean to you because you disappeared on me. Like, I'm sorry I disappeared. You're not wrong. I can own that. I will own that publicly on the podcast.
• 27:36
  I will own it in the community. I'm sorry that I disappeared. And, also, I was not safe. And I had to get to safety. And thank you for asking.
• 27:45
  Where were you? Oh my goodness. Way to model friendship without a price for admission. Right? So so just thinking about this isolation, and I know that we've talked about that some in the podcast, we've talked about some in the community, but the conversation this morning and literally laying naked in this massage therapy room, realizing how isolated from my own system I have been.
• 28:15
  And, again, I know all the things. Like, when we're in danger, we have to attune to our environment and those ships instead of to ourselves. That's part of compliance. That's part of fawning. That's part of staying safe.
• 28:27
  That is part of staying alive. So I think I am beyond the shame part of that even though it's still horrifying and mortifying and publicly embarrassing, which, by the way, there are those trainings that say the shame that comes from external places is humiliation, which is more domestic violence or interpersonal violence. But anyway, I'm feeling this of like, oh my goodness. Even this moment has to be invaded by all those things because that's part of the trauma. So I'm literally laying there thinking about myself coming out of isolation, thinking of myself as literally so vulnerable that I'm laying there with no clothes on, and someone is coming to touch my body, allegedly as part of care and not going to harm me.
• 29:20
  And I was just weeping and weeping and weeping. And I heard and received all of this information that I can't even get in to right now about what my body has been through, about what my system has been through, the different perspectives of that and what it is like to go, Oh yeah, I was in such crisis. I forgot I had DID. It's not that I forgot. It's that my work with my own dissociation was on pause because I was in survival.
• 29:54
  So that also tells me unpausing is coming out of survival and back to healing myself, which is so powerful. You all, I got all of that before the woman ever even walked into the room. But for those who also, like myself, maybe need massages either because of complex trauma, because of relational trauma, because of sexual trauma, because of physical trauma. Y'all, there were so many places she touched me that, like, cracked and snapped and made noises where she's like, I'm like, yeah. I know.
• 30:33
  The body has been through a few things. Okay? So many of us with complex trauma have different kinds of pain disorders or different kinds of issues with pain. There may be more people out there like me who desperately need massages but are terrified because touch has never been safe. And because of being that vulnerable so much to walk into an office and just take off your clothes.
• 31:05
  I mean, it's like the doctor. No one's in there. And y'all, fun fact. I'm sorry, Kim. I'm so sorry, Kim.
• 31:12
  But fun fact, I'm not actually that modest. I'm not I've never been the modest one in a relationship. I know that feels ironic ironic or maybe surprising to some. I am introverted. I am very shy, but I am not actually very modest.
• 31:36
  So I would always almost rather have no clothes than any clothes. But, obviously, I'm in a public place. Right? I digress. So the point is all of this healing came before I was ever in there, and it was such a positive experience even though it was also terrifying.
• 31:56
  So I'm not dismissing that, but I want to share my experience in case it is helpful for any of you who may also benefit from getting massages. So on the podcast, we have talked about going to the doctor. We have talked about going to the gynecologist. We have talked about eye doctors and dentists and ear doctors, all the things. This is just consistent with my values in that context.
• 32:25
  I'm not trying to be weird, and I'm not trying to over disclose even though I'm getting some help with that a little bit, mostly to tease our friend Kim. So I want to walk through the actual massage in case it's actually helpful to anyone else who is wondering, like, how that actually works. I cannot promise you that your experience would be the same as mine. I'm just sharing what mine was in case it is helpful because that is what my friends did for me. So I started out on my tummy, and she had to help me get scooch up to get my face in the little thing because I didn't know how to do that.
• 33:08
  And then I was completely covered up. Like, I had the blanket all the way up to, like, my neck. Right? Like, all the way up to my chin, but I was on my tummy. So I was all the way covered.
• 33:20
  And what she did first was, like, sort of press, like, not massage like rubbing, but, like, press in these different weighted motions, I don't know how to describe, over the blanket. So at first, I thought, oh, what is happening? Except also, it helped me orient to what was going to happen. So it was kind of like preparatory and warmed me up a little bit, and so I appreciated that. So then the next thing that she did was sort of pull the bottom corner, and then she pulled the blanket and sheet up almost all the way to my hip.
• 33:59
  Like, she kept my I was wearing my underwear. I don't know if I'm supposed to or not, but I kept it on. That felt safer. I just went with it. So, like, she did not pass my panty line.
• 34:11
  I'm sorry, Kim. I'm so sorry. So but my but my whole leg was exposed. And, again, I was on my tummy. So what she could access was the back and the side of one leg.
• 34:22
  And so so she just massaged that leg from, like, the top of my leg all the way down to, like, the heel, my heel and my foot. And then she did whatever magic she was doing. And I was laying there thinking, how do I know if this helps? How do I find know if it's working? How do I know if it's working?
• 34:40
  How do I know if it's working? I'm just wandering in my head spinning out about, is it working? Is it not? She finishes that leg. She covers up that leg and starts to uncover the other leg.
• 34:53
  And y'all, I am not kidding. It was like the first leg she did was like, no. Come back. Like, my leg had a catch cry for my massage therapist. It's like, no.
• 35:03
  No. I want more. Come back. Come back. The other way I knew something was actually helping and happening is because in those few and y'all, it had to be just seconds.
• 35:15
  Right? But it felt like years. In the time between her finishing that leg and lifting up the blanket on the other corner to expose just the other leg, I felt uneven. Like, oh, one side feels better and one side does not. And then I had this leg going, come back.
• 35:36
  Come back. I want more of that. And the other leg is like, no. No. It's my turn.
• 35:42
  Y'all, my legs had a whole conversation amongst themselves. None of this, of course, was revealed on the outside. On the outside, tears are just pouring down my face, and I'm just as serene as anything. It's fine. I'm fine.
• 35:57
  Just keep going. Oh my goodness. So then she did the other leg, and then she pulled the blanket back down. And then what she did was she moved around to the I don't know if it's called the head of the table, the top of the table, like, to where my head was as opposed to where my feet were where she had been working. She came around to the other part, and she pulled the blanket down from, like, my neck to my waist and put on a hot towel.
• 36:30
  And y'all, when I say a hot towel, this is not a warm towel. This is a hot towel. It was hot, and I do not know what to compare that to. But after I realized, okay. I can adjust to this.
• 36:46
  I'm actually not on fire. Then it felt amazing. And so she did the same thing again, sort of pushing on my back, sort of massaging over the towel, but not in, like, a rubbing way. I don't know how to explain it. Really just different pressures.
• 37:02
  And then she moved to the very head of the table, like, in front of my head. And from that angle, sort of worked on my shoulders and my back a little bit. So that was really interesting and felt amazing, of course. After that and it was another time I felt like, oh my goodness. This is so safe.
• 37:27
  There's zero expectation for anything sexual. And in fact, it's explicitly not going to be sexual, that I could be touched in ways that are literally tending to my muscles. And y'all, she found them. My muscles behind my shoulder blades where I broke my back a couple years ago, My muscles from sitting at my chair at my computer all day every day, my shoulder muscles, she found those. She worked.
• 37:56
  She worked it. And so we did my back. So then I had the back of my legs done and my back done. And so then what she did was pull the blanket back up and then, like, stand behind it. I don't know how to explain it and kind of hold it up so that I could turn over privately.
• 38:16
  So then I turned over privately, and she kinda did the same thing again, where she pulled one corner up to work on one leg, wrapped a foot in a hot towel, and then worked on that foot, and then covered that back up, and then came to the other corner, worked on that leg, wrapped the foot in a towel, and then worked on that foot, and then covered that up. All of that was okay other than the tears pouring out of my face. Like, the only thing I can compare it to is that culturally, I have this thing of cutting my hair after something significant happens. Like letting go of whatever that trauma was or letting go of like that person has never touched this part of my hair. This part of my hair is mine.
• 39:11
  I have regrown my hair. Like these different things, the grief response, I don't know how to explain it. Some cultures do it, but that feeling when you cut off your hair in that kind of moment, that's what it felt like of like, oh, this is off of me. This weight is off of me. What is like, it was such a ritual.
• 39:33
  I I don't even know what how to tell you. The next thing she did was come up by my shoulders. I think for me and there's different reasons for it that I don't wanna get into right now, but also includes religious trauma. There are lots of layers to it. I I really don't think I can get into it right now.
• 39:52
  But I think for me, simply getting my hands massaged was actually the hardest part of all. So when I rolled over on my back, she actually raised the back up a little bit. And so I was laying there while she did the legs. I was just looking out the window like, like, do you think about when someone's down at your feet rubbing on your feet? Being calm, being appropriate, just receiving care.
• 40:22
  It's so hard and awkward, except also it was so entirely safe that it wasn't awkward at all. So, like, all of the experiences at once. But when she moved over to the side and lifted the corner up by my right shoulder and she kept me tucked. So, like, she never exposed my chest at all. She never touched my chest at all, but, like, just got the blanket moved over so that my shoulder and my arm was out on the right side.
• 40:50
  And so then she did that arm. She did that shoulder. Y'all, she worked from my elbow to my thumb, that muscle. And I was like, oh my god. She knows I'm a lesbian.
• 40:59
  That's so embarrassing. But she worked it, and it helped. I am glad of it. And then she covered that up and went to do the other side. And then she covered that up and went to do the other arm.
• 41:14
  And, again, I was shocked to discover. I did not I mean, I knew in some different ways, but I was shocked to discover that the hardest part for me was actually having my hands massaged. Like, that most intimate, most neglected, most traumatized, most all the things, space of my hands and what my hands represent to me. And can I say especially while I'm learning about power and the balances of power and being disempowered and re empowering myself and all the things that my language is also on my hands? So there is so much about my hands that is so sacred.
• 41:57
  There's so much that has been violated. What my hands have been required to do, what my hands have had to defend against, what my hands never received that they needed, what my hands have sacrificed. There is so much what my hands express through painting and writing and all the things. There is so much in my hands. Like, I did not realize that the source of my aliveness was in my hands.
• 42:30
  Like, you know, now in Western white culture, we talk about, like, the source of our aliveness is in our chest, in our heart. I love you with all my heart, all of that. Right? And then in Torah or in the Old Testament, like, it's in my loins. Love you with my loins.
• 42:49
  Right? Y'all, my aliveness was in my hands, and I did not know that. And so just thinking about the intentionality of, like, who gets to touch my hands? What does it mean when someone touches my hands? What does it mean when my hands do something for someone else?
• 43:10
  What does it mean when someone does something for my hands? And I if I was not crying before, I was sobbing because of the hands. The other fun factoid I just learned the word factoid, so I'm using it in a sentence. The other fun factoid that was that when I rolled over, one of my ears went flying. So, like, she had to chase down my ear for me.
• 43:37
  I was like, you can just put that one on the bench. It falls off all the time. And I was like, look at this. Look at this. There is another person in the world who witnesses the quirky stuff of my body, is not shaming it for me, and it was one more layer of getting this back.
• 43:53
  This is my body. No one else owns the privilege of my body. No one else owns me. No one else owns information about me. I my massage therapist experienced that with me.
• 44:07
  I'm telling you about it. I am connected in community even with that quirky thing in my body. And that was so empowering, even though it was such a silly moment. And then I had to actually take the other ear off because the last thing that she did covered me all the way back up, all the way to my chin. Very safe.
• 44:27
  Nothing that I didn't want touch got touched. Okay, y'all? She came behind me again and then just rubbed my neck and my head. And I was like, had this awareness of, like I can tell she's almost done, but now is the point where I'm finally starting to relax. And when she did finish, she was like, you can take all the time you want.
• 44:53
  Just come out when you're dressed and ready. And I was like, are you sure? Because I think I could stay until Tuesday, and then you could do this again. Like, are like, have I actually paid for the room as long as I want, or is this just an expression in English that does not actually mean I get to stay as long as I want? Oh my goodness.
• 45:17
  But she left. I, of course, got dressed as fast as I could because I do not want the door to open. Of course, it did not. And, also, I still felt the feelings. I do not want the the and had those thoughts.
• 45:31
  I do not want the door to open before I have clothes on. So I threw on my clothes really, really fast. And then I was like, well, now I got myself all in a fuss and hurried and worked up, so it's not relaxing anymore. I shouldn't have to I don't think I can just sit here. So awkward.
• 45:51
  So I just left. I didn't stay. So I went out to pay her. I feel bad because I pushed the wrong button on the tip. I meant to give her the biggest tip out of the options.
• 46:01
  You know, like, how everything is required now? Except she really had been so kind and so safe. And sometimes she would just patch me a tissue or like, are you okay? I was like, fine. Everything's great.
• 46:15
  And I'm just sobbing the entire time. And I was like, that was like therapy. I feel like I just had therapy. She was like that is why we call it massage therapy I was like all right I'm so sorry I didn't mean to like demean your profession oh my goodness So I pushed the wrong button, but next time I will get it right and tip her more. But I paid.
• 46:42
  I actually got to use my benefits card. I won't have that much longer because I have to change. I'm letting go of that job, right? But it worked actually with my benefits card. I could use that.
• 46:54
  And that's how I was able to go because I wasn't actually paying for it. And she was like, this might be helpful helpful for you if you want to come back. I was like, I know. My doctor told me I need to come every week. And her eyebrows went up, she nodded.
• 47:11
  And I was like, okay. I don't know what you just learned about your body, but I'm not ready to receive it. I'm just going to excuse myself. Like I said, after the the queer Jewish event where I took the salad, was like, self, you are excused. Like, I literally said it.
• 47:29
  And then I came out here to record all of this before I lost it because it was such a profoundly moving experience and also not just got me grounded in my body, but gave me information about where my body is hurting. It helped me feel physically better because my lymph nodes got that flush that they needed and because my pain was tended to. And because my body, ironically enough, feels like mine again. Like, I feel like my body was taken from me. And this helped me feel like, no.
• 48:05
  This is my body, and I consent to what happens to it or not. And I can care for it in the ways that I want to. So I am sharing all of this in case it is helpful to anyone. And now I'm going to care for my body by feeding it something and going for a walk outside. And then tonight is the canoe journey, which is a whole native thing that I'm so excited to tell you about.
• 48:29
  This, however, needed to come out as soon as I could get it, which probably will be six more months from now. But it was so, so good for me. It felt like a gold star moment because it's something I never could have done before. And, also, I was able to do now, and I'm just embracing that growth and that progress and how good it felt to me and to my body and to my system in unexpected ways. And that I couldn't do without the support of the community and connected friends who have been safe, have been cheering me on, and have been helping welcome me back home to myself.
• 49:17
  Thanks for letting me share this ritual. It was amazing.
• 49:41
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much for listening to us and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing. One of the ways we practice this is in community together. The link for the community is in the show notes.
• 50:09
  We look forward to seeing you there while we practice caring for ourselves, caring for our family, and participating with those who also care for community. And remember, I'm just a human, not a therapist for the community. I'm not there for dating and not there to be shiny happy. Less shiny, actually. I'm there to heal too.
• 50:34
  That's what peer support is all about. Being human together. So yeah, sometimes we'll see you there.