Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Should you reach out to the narcissist's EX before you

Transcript

Should you reach out to the narcissist's EX before you · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  So should you reach out to the Narcissist X or the people that
• 0:04
  they dated before you if you're new here?
• 0:06
  My name is Lee Hammock. I'm a clinically diagnosed
• 0:08
  narcissist and welcome to another episode of the
• 0:10
  Narcissist Code. Welcome back.
• 0:30
  Y'all. Welcome back.
• 0:30
  Welcome back. So should you, should you reach
• 0:36
  out to the narcissistic person, toxic person's ex under any
• 0:41
  circumstance. So there is this is a very, very
• 0:44
  I said I know people you see a lot of videos about reaching out
• 0:47
  to the narcissist. New supplies.
• 0:49
  Should you reach out to the new supplies?
• 0:51
  Should you talk to their new partner?
• 0:54
  A lot of people ask me should they reach out to the old
• 0:57
  partner? And a couple of reasons why they
• 0:59
  want to reach out to the old partners is to maybe validate
• 1:03
  their feelings. You know, validate themselves.
• 1:05
  Like, I if I if I per SE dated A narcissist, right?
• 1:10
  Dated a toxic person. And I do.
• 1:13
  I wanted to verify that I wasn't crazy, that I wasn't the only
• 1:17
  person that got treated like this, that somebody else
• 1:18
  experienced it. Maybe I would want to talk to
• 1:21
  their ex. Maybe I would want to interview
• 1:23
  their ex and speak with them to see what had happened, see how,
• 1:26
  see how their relationship went, see how things went down in
• 1:29
  their relationship space and whatnot.
• 1:31
  Maybe that will be something that I would do, you know, like
• 1:34
  I talked to the ex to maybe see, make sure that I'm not crazy.
• 1:37
  I would look, I would do that to try to validate where I am and
• 1:43
  make sure that I am not crazy you, you know, that's one of the
• 1:46
  main reasons that people ask me should they reach out to the ex,
• 1:50
  I'll be like so. And another reason that people
• 1:52
  want to reach out to the ex is to apologize to the old.
• 1:57
  Like if you just so happened to be the narcissist news supply,
• 2:00
  maybe the ex already reached out to you, tried to tell you what
• 2:04
  was going on, tried to warn you per SE, and you shunned them.
• 2:08
  Maybe you maybe you contributed to some post separation abuse.
• 2:13
  Maybe you harassed the narcissist old supply.
• 2:16
  Maybe you were became a flying monkey of the narcissist.
• 2:19
  And then you get into the space where you maybe you get
• 2:21
  discarded or you wake up and understand what is actually
• 2:24
  going on or what you've what you've been experiencing and now
• 2:27
  you want to apologize. There's another reason people,
• 2:29
  they want to reach out to the ex to apologize to them, you know?
• 2:33
  So I would just say this on any circumstance, y'all it to me,
• 2:36
  it's nuance. It's to me, it just feel like it
• 2:38
  depends. It depends on should you reach
• 2:41
  out to the ex, How is the ex doing?
• 2:44
  Does the ex know that you exist? You know?
• 2:48
  Does the ex know that you exist? How?
• 2:51
  How far back is the ex? You know, because there's so
• 2:54
  many different situations and scenarios that could happen.
• 2:57
  Like maybe the ex you don't know.
• 3:00
  The ex doesn't know you and they they haven't spoken to the
• 3:03
  narcissistic person in 5-10 years.
• 3:06
  You know what is the situation, what is the current situation of
• 3:09
  the ex? And I've talked to see y'all.
• 3:11
  I've talked to people one on ones.
• 3:14
  If y'all don't know, I still do my one on ones over zoom.
• 3:16
  Y'all can see it's at mentalillness.net.
• 3:19
  I've talked to a lot of people who have reached out to the ex
• 3:22
  and sometimes the ex has already healed.
• 3:25
  You know, the ex has healed, hasn't spoken that person's name
• 3:28
  in a long time, has nothing to do with them, you know, and has
• 3:31
  already moved on. And it re traumatizes the X it
• 3:34
  it triggers the X into going back into a place that they
• 3:38
  might have thought they escaped. You know, they haven't seen,
• 3:40
  hear or talked to this person in 5-10 years and they don't, they
• 3:44
  don't have any kind of connections.
• 3:45
  They don't have kids together. They're like the only connection
• 3:48
  now is you. And then you reach out to them
• 3:49
  and you can re traumatize them. You can re trigger them.
• 3:52
  You see there's a lot of questions you have to ask
• 3:54
  yourself before you do that, you know, because you could could
• 3:58
  you. I'm not saying it's intentional
• 4:00
  that you re traumatize them or you you trigger them.
• 4:02
  It's just something that could happen.
• 4:04
  Think about that. Like I said, like like think
• 4:06
  about that because that's what could happen.
• 4:08
  You could reach out to them. Hey I'm so hey I'm hey do you
• 4:11
  know Lee Hammock or I just they I just broke up with him and I
• 4:14
  wanted to make sure that I wanted.
• 4:16
  I don't know. I'm just lost.
• 4:17
  I I just need somebody to talk to that knows this person and
• 4:21
  knows them and maybe has a similar experiences.
• 4:23
  This makes it. I feel like I'm going crazy.
• 4:25
  You know what I'm saying? I've had people hang up on them.
• 4:28
  It's like I called the ex and as soon as the ex found out that I
• 4:31
  dated their ex narcissist, they hung up on me.
• 4:34
  That was a trigger. He might trigger them and they
• 4:36
  might not want to deal with it. You know, even if if you are
• 4:39
  called in to apologize for the stuff that you did, they might
• 4:42
  not want to hear it. You know, if you were
• 4:45
  participating in some abuse because some people do, if you
• 4:48
  were the narcissist new supply, you might have actually became a
• 4:51
  flying monkey and started to harass or help the narcissist
• 4:54
  stalk you know, help the narcissist stalk their ex, sent
• 4:58
  threatening messages to the ex, try to fight the ex you made.
• 5:02
  So you you said it really, really just depends because
• 5:05
  everybody's situation is so different.
• 5:07
  Y'all everybody's situation is so nuanced.
• 5:09
  Everybody's situation is just so tough to deal with and so tough
• 5:12
  to understand, you know, and I know that you might want some
• 5:15
  answers, You might want some validation, your conscience.
• 5:18
  You might be feeling super guilty for what you how you
• 5:20
  handled the situation previously.
• 5:22
  And you want to reach out to them to maybe help clear their
• 5:24
  conscience. You know, that's what happens.
• 5:27
  You you might reach out to them and you might retrigger them.
• 5:29
  You know, they might hang up on you.
• 5:30
  They might not want to hear from you.
• 5:32
  Like they really might not want to hear from you.
• 5:34
  Just be realistic, you know? So should you reach out to them
• 5:36
  In no circumstances. Sometimes it's better to let
• 5:38
  things go, Let things. Especially if you're trying to
• 5:41
  apologize for the stuff that you did to them.
• 5:44
  Maybe they want, don't want to hear that.
• 5:45
  Maybe you open yourself up to you ain't.
• 5:47
  If you do, if you do reach out to them and try to apologize and
• 5:50
  they don't accept it and they then they attack you.
• 5:53
  Are they within their rights to attack you verbally?
• 5:55
  You know, maybe not physically, but verbally?
• 5:56
  Yeah, possibly. Think about that before you
• 5:58
  reach out to the narcissist X. But there are some positive
• 6:01
  stuff, you know, that could happen.
• 6:03
  It's not always going to be negative, reaching out to the X
• 6:05
  and whatnot. There are some positive things
• 6:07
  that could happen as well. One of the positive things that
• 6:09
  could happen is like you might validate the X y'all, both might
• 6:14
  validate each other. Because I've heard a few
• 6:16
  different stories about the narcissist, the Co host of my
• 6:19
  show, my my Wednesday, my Thursday night show Jessica.
• 6:23
  She has a lot of different stories about, you know, she
• 6:26
  her, she, her and her narcissistic person's new party
• 6:30
  became friends. They're friends.
• 6:32
  Sometimes you become friends with the narcissist.
• 6:34
  X y'all can. I mean I'm not not the team up
• 6:38
  and stuff like that. I've had people team up before
• 6:39
  and create these little groups that like Group A group message
• 6:42
  of victims of this one narcissist.
• 6:44
  You see what I'm saying of this one toxic person.
• 6:47
  There's groups of people out there that do this type of
• 6:49
  stuff. You know there's there's how it
• 6:50
  how it be going a lot of their time and a lot of these spaces
• 6:55
  and a lot of these dynamics it it be happy out it be happening.
• 6:58
  It really does be happening to a lot of these people, you know,
• 7:02
  So they sometimes you reaching out to the ex, you could provide
• 7:05
  them some validation and make it make them feel less crazy.
• 7:08
  You could validate them and make them feel, help them help them
• 7:12
  heal, you know, There could be a possibility it really could.
• 7:16
  It could help both of y'all can help, help each other heal in no
• 7:18
  circumstances, no situations, you know, that's a possibility
• 7:23
  that could happen as well because you had to open, like
• 7:25
  open your eyes and think about it like, OK, this could happen.
• 7:28
  Like, we could definitely become friends in this space right
• 7:31
  here. We could definitely become, you
• 7:33
  know, we could definitely team up and do things like this right
• 7:35
  here. We could definitely go about it
• 7:36
  this way, you know, that's how we could go like y'all could,
• 7:39
  you could validate them, they can validate you and y'all can
• 7:42
  be unified and they can help each other heal.
• 7:43
  That's that's a positive thing that could happen.
• 7:45
  You know, that's a positive thing that could happen in this
• 7:48
  situation. Especially if y'all already, if
• 7:50
  y'all kind of already know each other.
• 7:52
  Like if if they if your if your narcissistic partner has kids
• 7:57
  with their ex and then y'all you and the ex didn't have a real
• 8:00
  good relationship. Now the narcissist is out the
• 8:03
  picture so to speak. And now y'all relationship can
• 8:05
  blossom or y'all can become friends and things like that.
• 8:08
  Y'all can become not even friends.
• 8:09
  You become friendly because that that happens too.
• 8:11
  You know there's a lot of distinct possibilities that
• 8:14
  could happen if you reach out to the narcissist X.
• 8:17
  It really just depends. Y'all, it really just depends.
• 8:19
  If that person, like if you look at this person and they're if
• 8:22
  you look up the narcissist X that you know or you heard of
• 8:26
  and and they're happy, healthy and they seem like they moved
• 8:29
  on. Should you reach out, Should you
• 8:31
  reach out to them? You know, should you, Should you
• 8:35
  reach out like they do. You see them happy, healthy,
• 8:37
  moved on, got kids married to somebody else.
• 8:40
  They just live on a good life should you reach out to them.
• 8:43
  That's why I like those things you need to consider.
• 8:45
  I've had people reach out to them and get have both results.
• 8:48
  You know, you reach out to the ex this happy and moved on.
• 8:51
  They scream at you, tell you not to call them again and hang up
• 8:54
  on you. And I've had the, I've had the
• 8:56
  ex that you reach out to, they pick the phone up and they they
• 8:59
  become there, super empathetic and they're there for you.
• 9:01
  You know, I'm not saying the first person wasn't empathetic.
• 9:04
  They just have probably have moved on, but the next person is
• 9:06
  super empathetic and compassionate enough to just
• 9:08
  talk to you and validate you. Even though they've moved on.
• 9:11
  You know, even though they've moved on, they they they are
• 9:14
  there to validate you because they also have survived that
• 9:16
  same person. You know they've survived the
• 9:19
  same person that you've survived and now they has both of y'all
• 9:22
  can kind of connect together and make things move forward like
• 9:25
  that. That is, that happens a lot in
• 9:27
  these spaces as well. Y'all let's say should you reach
• 9:29
  out to them? It really just depends y'all and
• 9:31
  sometimes if you have nobody else to talk to, like if nobody
• 9:34
  else will understand what you went through, yeah, you could
• 9:37
  reach out to them. But like I said, y'all just it
• 9:38
  just just look at like y'all just gauge it.
• 9:42
  It's a it could be a hit or miss, you know, It could be a
• 9:45
  hit or miss situation. You could reach out to them and
• 9:46
  get rejected and it just sends you spiraling more.
• 9:49
  Or you can reach out to them and get validated and provide them
• 9:52
  some validation as well. Because I've had this happen
• 9:54
  before. Like, I talked to this one
• 9:56
  woman. I think she was like the
• 9:57
  narcissist. Like he had been married like
• 10:00
  four or five times before her and she ended up reaching out to
• 10:04
  some of the exes and they became friends.
• 10:05
  Like, Like, like, I'm married so and so.
• 10:09
  Oh, wow, really. They they still moving around?
• 10:11
  Yeah, he is. Wow.
• 10:14
  They became friends. The second wife, third wife is
• 10:16
  crazy. Y'all it is.
• 10:17
  It is wild how that works out sometimes.
• 10:20
  But you have to, like I said, you have to be like who you are
• 10:24
  right now. You have to keep moving forward
• 10:25
  in your journey of health, of of healthiness and growth because
• 10:29
  they helps you heal. Like whatever helps you heal.
• 10:31
  But like, say be careful. Just be considerate of other
• 10:33
  people. Y'all, if you decide to reach
• 10:35
  out to the narcissist X just be considered like look.
• 10:38
  Especially if you can see them on social media you know, or if
• 10:40
  they if they have their entire life locked up, everything is
• 10:42
  private. It probably don't want to be
• 10:44
  reached out to if their stuff is public if they if they have a
• 10:47
  public profile and stuff like that kind of gauge it.
• 10:49
  You see what I'm saying If you can see their stuff that's
• 10:51
  different. If all this if they have a, you
• 10:53
  know if they pretty much went went into the narcissist
• 10:56
  protection program where they off the damn grid they they
• 11:00
  they're no contact with your narcissistic partner.
• 11:03
  Like you see those videos of people just like I'm 15 days,
• 11:05
  I'm 15 years, no contact and the person that they are no contact
• 11:08
  with is your partner or your ex. You know do you want to go and
• 11:12
  say it's really just depends y'all just you know but it could
• 11:15
  help you like I say it could help you heal it could provide
• 11:17
  you some clarity could provide them some clarity.
• 11:19
  It just it can be a very very hit or miss situation.
• 11:22
  Just be just be careful and be considerate when you reach out
• 11:25
  to somebody who has also who possibly who.
• 11:28
  The possibility has all of abuse has also happened Y'all and I'll
• 11:32
  I'll end it with this point right here.
• 11:34
  Sometimes if you reach out to their ex, they might not have
• 11:37
  got the same treatment you did. The narcissist might have not
• 11:41
  have a. The narcissistic person might
• 11:44
  have abused might have might have abused them in a different
• 11:48
  way. Like the narcissistic person
• 11:50
  might have put their hands on you and stole from you and their
• 11:53
  stuff like this to you, but they might have just yelled and
• 11:56
  screamed at the X so you might start.
• 11:58
  It could make you feel worse. You see it could absolutely end
• 12:02
  up making you feel worse because you start thinking like what
• 12:04
  about what is what was it about me that got me hit?
• 12:07
  What was it about me that got me cheated on?
• 12:09
  What was it about me that got me that happened, this happened to
• 12:12
  me but it didn't happen to them. You know, people get not
• 12:15
  everybody gets abused in the same way.
• 12:18
  So if you decide to reach out to the ex that's a possibility of
• 12:20
  what could happen as well. Because I did have a girl.
• 12:22
  I forgot I had this girl inbox me the other day that said she
• 12:25
  reached out to the Narcissist ex because they were somehow became
• 12:27
  friends on social media. And he's like, no, no he didn't.
• 12:30
  He didn't hit me. And like, he's like, no, he
• 12:32
  didn't. He didn't.
• 12:33
  He didn't put his hands on me. But the person that I talked to,
• 12:37
  the the girl who's in my inbox said I did a one-on-one with
• 12:39
  her. He put a gun and put a gun in
• 12:42
  her head. You see what I'm saying?
• 12:43
  You see how they work right there.
• 12:45
  He didn't, he didn't hit the previous acts, but he put a gun.
• 12:47
  He hit this, he hit this one and put a gun in her head and made
• 12:50
  her feel like she had done something wrong.
• 12:51
  You see, You see what I'm saying?
• 12:53
  So sometimes that's another possibility that could happen as
• 12:56
  well. Y'all because like you could, it
• 12:57
  could make you feel worse, you know?
• 12:59
  So consider yourself as well in these spaces, you know?
• 13:03
  Anyways, y'all, if you made it this far, make sure to hit that
• 13:06
  subscribe button. Y'all we creeping up on that
• 13:07
  400K, which is it's a it's a happy it's a happy number but
• 13:12
  it's like Dang. That's for over 400,000 people
• 13:15
  who have been through this toxic, narcissistic
• 13:16
  relationships. Make sure y'all subscribe to the
• 13:18
  channel. Y'all I'm working on myself.
• 13:20
  Love course right now to go along with myself.
• 13:22
  Love journal. I'll be finished.
• 13:23
  I'll be finished with that next week.
• 13:26
  Hope y'all had a happy Thanksgiving.
• 13:27
  Be safe until this is out peace. Thank you so much for making it
• 13:31
  to the end of my video. You are a mental illness rock
• 13:34
  star and I appreciate you for being here.
• 13:36
  If you haven't already, make sure to click on the screen and
• 13:38
  subscribe to the channel and watch another one of my videos
• 13:40
  on my playlist. There's also a link available up
• 13:43
  here for you to purchase my kids.
• 13:45
  But remember, it's not your fault on Amazon so check that
• 13:48
  out. Thank you.
• 13:49
  I will see you in the next video.
• 13:50
  Peace.