Latest / Pretty In Pink Again / Episode 52: Outgrowing Old Versions of Yourself — Publicly with Lauren McBride (Part One)

Transcript

Episode 52: Outgrowing Old Versions of Yourself — Publicly with Lauren McBride (Part One) · Pretty In Pink Again

0:00
I'm Christina.
0:01
And I'm t And this is the Pretty and Pink Again podcast where Motherhood meets rediscovery.
0:16
Today's guest is someone I've known since first grade, which honestly feels kind of wild to say out loud.
0:22
We grew up in the same hometown, sat in the same classroom, and then life took us in completely different directions.
0:28
Years later, we found ourselves reconnecting in the most unexpected ways, both starting blogs that eventually turn into real businesses and careers online.
0:36
Lauren has been in this space for over 15 years.
0:38
She built her platform while raising her three children, and she's done it in a way that has always felt honest and steady over time.
0:45
Her audience hasn't just watched her life.
0:47
They've grown alongside her.
0:48
Recently she stepped into a new chapter.
0:50
She's returned to Dance, rediscovered her love of reading and built lit chicks, read into a real community, started creating travel experiences for women.
0:59
Launched her own home line on QBC and founded the Lauren McBride Foundation and Galas Night Out to support causes that deeply matter to her.
1:06
She also publicly shared that she's navigating through a divorce, and while that is part of her story, today isn't about headlines.
1:13
It's about identity transition and what it looks like to rediscover yourself in a whole new season of life.
1:19
Today is part one of our interview with Lauren and we'll be back next week with the rest of the conversations.
1:24
So make sure you come back to check for part two.
1:26
Lauren, we are so happy to have you here.
1:28
Yay.
1:29
Yay.
1:29
I'm to say before we leave, I need a cameo for my best friend.
1:33
Hi for you.
1:34
Okay.
1:34
And like, one thing that I just wanted to highlight after she said that to me is.
1:39
How many different types of women you appealed to?
1:43
I mean, my best friend Patty from growing up as I was saying you to you earlier.
1:46
Mm-hmm.
1:47
I didn't even know she followed like any type of influencer.
1:50
Yeah.
1:50
She's kind of like that, like sporty mom who I didn't think like would follow you.
1:54
Another girl at Bar the other day was like, oh my God, you have Lauren McBride coming on.
1:58
My mom who lives in California told me about her.
2:00
And then I was at the hair salon this morning and the girl in the chair next to me was like, you have Lauren McBride coming on.
2:06
And the reason why I'm telling you this is'cause these are like three very different women.
2:10
Yeah.
2:10
From very different phases of life and you just cast such a wide net of diversity and I, that makes me feel great.
2:20
I dunno if that was like your intention when you started this business, but it was just something that I like witnessed just in the past two days of announcing you were coming on.
2:27
Yeah.
2:27
That's really cool.
2:28
And thank you to all of them for following for so long.
2:31
I think honestly, it's just being in the space for so long.
2:34
Like we're kind of like OG, as I call it.
2:36
Yeah.
2:36
We always say the og.
2:37
Yeah.
2:38
Like I remember just having a blog before Instagram was even a thing.
2:41
Mm-hmm.
2:42
And like going and commenting on other blogs and just like hyping up other women, you know?
2:46
And I think Connecticut is also very small, which is like good and bad.
2:50
Well, you, so Yeah.
2:52
It's like it's small enough to feel like you can follow someone from like a different area and still feel very connected to them.
2:58
Yes.
2:58
Or someone knows them.
2:59
Yes.
2:59
Yes.
3:00
You know?
3:00
Yeah.
3:00
Like yeah.
3:01
Kind of like exactly.
3:02
And it's funny'cause anytime I, meet someone new, or maybe they didn't, maybe they're not as active on social and then like, you know, we talk whatever, and then they follow me.
3:12
They're like, oh my gosh, like so and so, or like, my mom's best friend follows you.
3:17
It's just very funny and a very large age range.
3:22
You do as well.
3:23
I have women in their twenties and then women in their like sixties, which Cool.
3:26
I think a lot of it though I don't know if you call them like content pillars or categories that you cover, but it's vast.
3:32
It's it is vast.
3:33
Yes.
3:34
Right.
3:34
So there's like a little fashion, there's a little beauty, there's obviously the home content, the travel.
3:40
So you really did lifestyle, I think kind of before it became like a thing to say that you did lifestyle.
3:46
It was just your life and so I think that, that it makes sense that it would kind of, you would grab people at different parts of their lives.
3:53
Right?
3:53
There's a little something for everyone.
3:55
Yeah.
3:55
You know, in there and then adding in some new things too, so, right.
3:59
I, I'm just being me on there.
4:00
So I like, you know, and I feel like that's honestly something that comes true.
4:04
Thank you.
4:04
I feel like that's always something I've felt.
4:06
Uh, honestly, there's times where I've just kind of felt very different and like, I don't fit in with what you normally see because I am just very me and and so sometimes I'm like, I am not one of these girls.
4:19
It's like looking phenomenal with fashion.
4:21
I'm over here like in sweats, but that's just me.
4:24
So yeah, it's really cool.
4:26
It's, I'm honestly, it blows my mind every time someone is like, I'm sure you feel the same when someone's like, oh my gosh, I follow you on Instagram.
4:32
It's like this weird, surreal thing.
4:35
And I'm like, I'm just me.
4:36
Yeah.
4:37
But mine is very niche.
4:38
Yeah.
4:38
Like, and I don't think I have as wide of a following.
4:41
I feel like the people following me are much like, they probably see similarities in maybe the way we dress.
4:47
Mm-hmm.
4:47
Or the way, but I, I do think to Tee's point, just the, it's just vast to have all these different age groups.
4:52
Like you've been able to appeal to a very, like, mass market of everybody, you know?
4:58
Yeah.
4:58
Yeah.
4:59
For so long.
4:59
But in a good way.
5:00
In a good way.
5:01
Yeah.
5:01
cause sometimes you hear, when you try to please everybody, you please nobody.
5:05
I don't think you're out here trying to please all.
5:07
I don't think you started this business trying to appeal to a vast majority of people.
5:11
Yeah.
5:11
Yeah.
5:11
You just share your life.
5:13
Mm-hmm.
5:13
Which has so many different facets to it.
5:15
Yeah.
5:15
And what ended up happening was the vast majority of people now are so invested in your life.
5:20
You started your platform 15 years ago.
5:23
Over 15 years ago.
5:24
Had to be, yeah.
5:25
So what did you I feel like a grandma 15 years ago, because we're all right the same age.
5:30
Yeah.
5:31
Nine.
5:31
Nine.
5:31
Turning 40 years.
5:32
Year 30, 40.
5:33
Yeah.
5:33
She's another four.
5:34
Yeah.
5:34
15 years ago.
5:36
No children.
5:38
No children?
5:39
No, I started it as a hobby.
5:40
I was working as a nurse and I started it as a hobby because I just needed a creative outlet.
5:46
So it literally started with me just sharing like honestly, really bad home decor.
5:52
It wasn't home decor, it was, I, I, I've known you, so like, I feel like you always had like a very creative side to you.
6:01
Yeah.
6:01
So I think that like, it made a lot of sense what you were sharing.
6:05
Yeah.
6:05
You were doing these like little home projects.
6:07
Yeah.
6:07
Again, this was before anybody was really covering a lot of this type of stuff.
6:11
Yeah.
6:11
But you had bought, I think it was like your first condo.
6:14
Yeah.
6:14
We have a condo and we were just doing like these little home renovations.
6:17
Yeah.
6:17
And making the house feel like a home.
6:19
Yeah.
6:19
And, and documenting it.
6:21
And I think that that wasn't really done in a way where you were doing it and No, probably not back then, but it made a lot of sense.
6:28
But I think to people who knew you, then it made a lot of sense.
6:31
You had that creativity like from a very young age.
6:34
So Yeah.
6:35
It was And you were crafty?
6:37
Yes.
6:37
Crafty.
6:38
Yes.
6:38
And we were also like living paycheck to paycheck back then.
6:41
And so going to like a lot of estate sales and trying to just.
6:45
Make our home what I wanted it to be kind of thing.
6:49
But it's funny'cause on a low budget, on a very low budget yourself and picking things out, and you were documenting it along the way.
6:56
Yeah.
6:56
And I do still love that.
6:57
Like, I love going to like a good flea market, you know, and like finding things.
7:01
But um, yes, no, I look back and I'm like, oh my God, I thought that was good.
7:05
It's funny how like your style changes over time.
7:07
Yeah.
7:08
But it, it kind of like kickstarted that.
7:10
Right?
7:11
So I was able to have that creative side and I just remember, and I'm sure you remember the same thing, like, I remember like grinding, like literally working immediately.
7:19
I mean, I don't have kids then, right.
7:21
So it's like, you know, the world is my oyster.
7:23
I could do anything.
7:23
And so I would like come home from work and like finish my charting and then be like immediately on the blog.
7:29
And like, and this is when we like built our own blogs.
7:30
Yes.
7:31
Like I literally typing in the HTML, you know, so it was like old school.
7:35
And then I can't remember when I kind of got to a point where I was like, I wanna share more than just that.
7:42
But it just kind of like, it's natural.
7:44
Yeah.
7:44
You know, I was like, well I'm more than that.
7:46
I kind of wanna share like everything I like.
7:49
So it kind of just rolled into that.
7:53
And then I was still doing that when I had my children and then.
7:58
It kind of, my income kind of surpassed my nursing income.
8:01
And also I was just dealing with some situations like in the nursing field that just felt like generally unsafe.
8:06
And when you have kids, your whole perspective just changes.
8:09
Right.
8:09
So I'm like, I am a mom.
8:10
And my kids come first.
8:12
So I, after I had my third, I was like, I'm just gonna take that leap and not go back.
8:17
Well, and also nursing doesn't lend itself to going in and being the mystery reader.
8:20
No, that too.
8:22
And that's something when you have kids, you, you put a lot of value prioritize on that.
8:25
Mm-hmm.
8:26
Right.
8:26
And so in person, patient care jobs Yeah.
8:30
Aren't as appealing.
8:31
If you have, if you can surpass that with income Yeah.
8:34
Doing something else.
8:35
Exactly.
8:35
And that was it.
8:36
Right.
8:36
So I was working weekends and my oldest was getting to the point where all the birthday parties and stuff were on the weekends.
8:42
And I'm working weekends, and i'm like, shit, I can't, you know, like I'm working and I didn't wanna do that anymore.
8:49
And also, you know, like then you have little ones, it just gets hard to navigate.
8:53
But yes, I feel lucky that I was able to build something that could bring that income.
8:57
And I was like, I.
8:58
Want to be able to work from home as well as be super present as a parent and be mystery reader.
9:04
It's funny you say that.
9:05
I was just Mr.
9:06
Reader in my son's class two weeks ago and we did the Piggy and Gerald book and he was Piggy and I was Gerald.
9:11
So cute.
9:11
So cute.
9:12
You a whole performance.
9:12
Yeah, it went a whole performance love.
9:14
I mean literally the theatrics.
9:16
So, but I love that.
9:17
You know what I mean?
9:18
So I'm like, if I could do that as well as work, like that's kind of the best of both worlds.
9:21
So What about like little Lauren?
9:24
Did you, did you know the one you knew that I picture one that I of the one is she brought a freaking photo album.
9:29
I'm like, girl, I mean I know all the pictures in them.
9:32
You totally do.
9:33
Ready?
9:34
Ready.
9:34
Hold on, hold on.
9:35
Okay.
9:35
This was literally from Halloween party.
9:37
I have one of you and Christina somewhere.
9:40
Oh, there we are.
9:40
Look at Christina was Were Vampire and I was Jasmine.
9:43
Oh.
9:44
Oh yeah.
9:45
Wait, do we have the one where we were Buffy the vampires Slayer?
9:47
Oh my God.
9:48
How cute.
9:48
I know, I love it.
9:49
Literally.
9:50
So, okay, so we have to tell our backstory then.
9:52
So Lauren and I, we've known each other since first grade.
9:55
First grade grade.
9:56
We were in the same first grade class.
9:58
That's true.
9:59
So same elementary school.
10:00
And I'm pretty sure we were, I was just like, do you wanna be my best friend?
10:02
Yeah.
10:02
We were just, we just hit it off instantly.
10:05
We liked a lot of the same things.
10:06
Shoe leading photo, I think.
10:07
Oh yeah.
10:08
Popcorn Warn.
10:08
Yeah.
10:08
We danced together.
10:09
Did both.
10:09
Yeah.
10:10
We go.
10:11
So you guys, we go back, guys danced together.
10:12
Yeah, we danced together.
10:13
Popcorn and theater performances too.
10:15
She did some of it.
10:16
I was not the theater.
10:18
Well, you did adaptations.
10:19
You did some of it.
10:20
I did adaptations yes.
10:21
And I did.
10:21
I remember going to theater camp, but I can't sing for shit.
10:24
So it was like not You were dance.
10:26
Were you a singer?
10:26
I like to sing.
10:27
Yes.
10:27
I'm, I wasn't like the best singer, but I, yeah.
10:29
I could carry a tune, you know?
10:31
Yeah.
10:31
She, she was definitely better than than me.
10:34
So I do have the Buffy, oh no, I do have Buffy and I also have men in black.
10:38
Lauren and I went through like a deep Buffy the Vampire Slayer, like obsession I would call it.
10:43
Mm-hmm.
10:44
And so yeah, we go, we go way, way back.
10:46
And this is, this is to like elementary school.
10:48
Yeah.
10:48
Which is why look at that.
10:50
This, this is Halloween.
10:51
Fun times.
10:51
My mom would have a Halloween party every year, so Yes, yes.
10:54
Yeah.
10:54
Which I have.
10:55
Which I do for my children now.
10:57
Like I passed out that trend.
10:58
But yes, we, I know.
10:59
So fun man.
11:00
We loved Buffy.
11:00
Yes.
11:01
We loved Buffy and Clueless.
11:02
And then we went to elementary school.
11:03
School.
11:04
So all through elementary school.
11:05
Mm-hmm.
11:06
All through middle school and all through high school.
11:08
Like we go, we literally just go so far back.
11:11
It's so wild.
11:12
And, but did you know back then, or even like, maybe not in elementary school, but did you know, like in high school, because you did have this like very creative side to you, did you know that you wanted to build something?
11:23
'cause you did know that you wanted to be a nurse.
11:25
I feel like that was like something that you, you were going to go to school for.
11:30
Yes.
11:30
But like, did you know that you were gonna, that you wanted to do something creative?
11:33
No, but high school, Lauren was also a Lauren going through a lot.
11:38
Yeah.
11:38
At that time.
11:39
Mm-hmm.
11:39
Um, my parents were in the middle of a divorce.
11:41
So I look back on high school, there's like a lot of hard times for me in high school that no one knew.
11:47
Mm-hmm.
11:47
Right?
11:47
Like I kind of hid that and just masked it and like was dealing with a lot of stuff at home.
11:52
And that's a hard year time for your parents to go through a divorce.
11:55
Like it's a very, like those pivotal years in high school.
11:59
So no, I really was just like trying to survive that.
12:04
And also my brother is a lot younger than me, so.
12:07
Kind of almost becoming like you were taking, taken care of his second, second parent, right?
12:11
Yeah.
12:11
Not for any reason other than, you know, like my mom was a single mom and she had worked, you know, so and times were different back then, so it was really just like survival mode.
12:22
I honestly think that's when like survival mode kind of started for me.
12:25
Mm-hmm.
12:25
So, no, that was just like, I need to get good grades, I need to just get through.
12:31
High school was, you know, it's always like an awkward time and I don't feel like I ever, I don't really know like where I kind of fit in in high school.
12:38
Like I don't feel like I was like popular, popular, but also wasn't like, I was kind of like in the middle and kind of like was friendly, floated with both.
12:46
Mm-hmm.
12:46
You know?
12:47
And and you're saying is in healthcare is like a well-known safe career path?
12:50
So if you get good grades, you get into nursing program in four years, you have a job and that's like stability.
12:55
Yep.
12:55
Security safety.
12:56
Yes.
12:56
Whereas anything creative, there's nothing secure.
13:00
Concrete, increasing learning.
13:02
Yeah.
13:02
Makes sense.
13:03
Especially in 2004 when we graduated from, right.
13:05
Yep.
13:06
So I think, yes, definitely looking for stability.
13:09
And then, you know, that even continued through college.
13:11
Those were like, kind of like tumultuous times for me.
13:13
So when did you go to college?
13:15
Oh, where did I not go to college.
13:16
Okay.
13:17
So I went to URI for one year'cause I wanted to just get out and then realized that was not for me.
13:23
So then I went to Western for a year and a half, which I loved and I commuted from home, but.
13:31
Then Southern's nursing program mm-hmm.
13:34
Was better.
13:35
Mm-hmm.
13:35
So I switched to Southern, so then I finished, I did the five year P plan.
13:40
So I graduated in oh nine from college.
13:43
Um, and I went to Southern.
13:44
Now I don't, I think because I, again, searching for stability, my college experience was just my college experience.
13:52
Like it wasn't like, like I kind of like my brother went to UConn.
13:54
Yeah.
13:54
And I'm like, man, I kind of wish I like did that, but it's just what it is.
13:59
You know?
14:00
You were focused.
14:00
Yeah.
14:00
You were, yeah.
14:01
You didn't have as much of the social No, no college experience.
14:04
It was just, but again, like very different times.
14:06
Yeah.
14:06
I was like, I have to just get my career so I could get out and like have my own place.
14:11
Well, nursing school does not lend itself to like, you have to No, it's hard.
14:14
Clinicals at 8:00 AM Yes.
14:16
Mm-hmm.
14:16
You're there until 4:00 PM and then,'cause I did radiology, so.
14:19
Yeah.
14:19
Then you have classes at 9:00 PM Yeah.
14:21
And a clinical is three credits, but it takes three days or eight hours.
14:25
Right.
14:25
Yeah.
14:25
So it's like a big time commitment.
14:27
It's a big time commitment.
14:29
And that was also the time I met my husband and also got engaged.
14:38
That was very quick.
14:39
So got engaged during nursing school.
14:42
Wow.
14:42
So you were young.
14:43
Planned a wedding.
14:44
She was young during nursing school.
14:46
Graduated nursing school, bought our condo, got married shortly after.
14:51
It's crazy to think back at that.
14:53
Oh, before you were 20.
14:53
She was young.
14:54
I was 23.
14:54
Yeah, 23.
14:55
It's crazy to think back at that.
14:57
'cause I even do remember at this point, I mean we, me and you had been friends through high school.
15:01
Yeah.
15:01
But then naturally you kind of just drift, right?
15:04
Yeah.
15:04
It's like, and in those few years, a lot can, nothing happened.
15:06
Like, just like, well, yeah, you, yeah.
15:08
Right.
15:08
But it's, a lot can happen in those few years.
15:11
And I do remember obviously knowing and hearing that you got engaged and it was like, wow, she grew up really fast.
15:18
Like she was one of those, I feel like that's what sort of happens, right?
15:21
When you graduate college, it's like some people kind of hang back.
15:24
They still don't know what they wanna do yet.
15:25
Yeah.
15:26
And that was a little bit of me, you know?
15:28
And I was still kind of finding what I wanted to do.
15:31
Yeah.
15:31
What does this mean for my life?
15:33
And Lauren was like the one that was getting married, like buying a house.
15:39
Like you were doing all of the very adult things.
15:41
Young.
15:42
Very young.
15:43
Very young.
15:44
Very young.
15:44
Yep.
15:46
Yeah, so, right.
15:48
I was like fresh outta college, newly married, working my job Starting your blog.
15:53
Starting my blog.
15:54
Yep.
15:54
And then, then, but you didn't know any better at the time.
15:57
It's not like you were like, wow, I'm 23.
15:59
No, I old as I'm married, I'm being married.
16:01
I'm like, at the time you're in it.
16:02
And at the time that was, that was what I wanted.
16:05
Yeah.
16:05
I felt was wanted.
16:06
That was great.
16:07
And I mean, again, like no regrets obviously from that I have my three beautiful children.
16:13
I wouldn't trade any of that for anything.
16:16
But yes, it was very young.
16:18
I think looking back, I'm like, I was just looking for like stability.
16:21
Stability.
16:22
Mm-hmm.
16:22
And not knowing what I know now.
16:26
Right.
16:26
Like nothing was actually stable, you know?
16:30
And that I feel like also back then too, like I also had major anxiety that was like undiagnosed.
16:36
And now a DHD undiagnosed, I masked that a lot back then.
16:39
I think because I oldest child, I just had to kind of like do all the things and have to like live up to an expectation in a way, which is just kind of like natural.
16:48
Mm-hmm.
16:49
I guess with that.
16:49
Mm-hmm.
16:50
I feel like a lot of firstborns, well, we put it on ourselves.
16:52
We do.
16:53
It's not even right.
16:54
Yes.
16:55
You know, so.
16:55
Yeah, like undiagnosed.
16:57
And, you know, like no one really was in therapy, you know, like that wasn't really something no.
17:02
Talked about back then.
17:04
So like, looking back, I'm like, oh man.
17:07
Like I could, like, now I could like analyze myself so much and be like, girl, you needed some therapy.
17:11
You needed some lexapril, you needed, you know, all those things.
17:14
Well, it's changed so much even since becoming a mom.
17:16
cause I remember when I first started going to therapy, I'd be like, if I somebody, and I'm not a liar, I'm very open with my friends.
17:22
I'd be like, I have a dentist appointment, or I have an appointment.
17:24
I'm like, why am I lying?
17:26
What is the shame around?
17:27
Like, just saying like, I have therapy.
17:29
Like, why not call it that?
17:30
Mm-hmm.
17:30
Yeah.
17:31
And so now I, it was not normalized quite right.
17:33
Say it.
17:34
Yeah, me too.
17:34
No, and I think the more you say it, the better off other people are because I think everybody should agree.
17:39
Well, both of you, we took, I mean we talked about this a little bit offline, but just that both of you had kids around the same time.
17:45
'cause we'll get into, obviously you got pregnant.
17:47
Yeah.
17:47
You had your first And how old were you when you had your first I was 27 and I struggled.
17:55
I had a miscarriage before him and then it took us like a good year mm-hmm.
18:00
To get pregnant with him.
18:02
So like we started that.
18:05
So you were earlier, you know, you think that some of your anxiety started around motherhood, or how do you think it had been there?
18:11
It had definitely been there, but o obviously like motherhood brought that out.
18:15
Yeah.
18:15
You go that, that was my point, is that you go through this huge shift, which we talk, we talk hours, endless hours about the shift that motherhood brings to you.
18:23
Mm-hmm.
18:24
And we talk about how our experiences, because we had children like a decade apart, but we're the same age.
18:30
And how different those experiences could be.
18:33
Yeah.
18:33
So different, you know.
18:34
But it is interesting to hear another point of view of having them, I don't wanna say young'cause it's not like so younger, teen, younger, you know?
18:41
But it, but younger and, and especially when you're trying to find yourself and you're looking for that stability and motherhood does, it rocks you, right.
18:49
Again.
18:49
Yes.
18:50
It rocks you again.
18:51
And then I also feel like when I had my first, people still weren't really talking about, well it was, people would talk about postpartum depression, but they weren't really talking about postpartum anxiety.
18:59
Right.
19:00
And that, and then I also, I had some complications during pregnancy and then at birth.
19:06
So I was very much like, I'm gonna breastfeed, I'm gonna breastfeed, I'm gonna breastfeed no formula.
19:12
And so then when he came out, he had to go to the nicu.
19:14
So I never got to like initiate breastfeeding, which then caused major issues, breastfeeding.
19:20
So now you have this woman who's already anxious.
19:23
Undiagnosed and now has postpartum anxiety.
19:28
And her vision of what it was was not going right as expected.
19:33
So now I'm like, I don't wanna do formula because I really wanted to do breastfeeding, and so now I'm exclusively pumping, which is a fucking nightmare mm-hmm.
19:40
For anyone who's done it.
19:41
And I did that shit for over a year and it was so hard.
19:44
It was so challenging.
19:46
And now my hormones, and now I'm like, I don't understand why I can't breastfeed, why can't I breastfeed all that pressure?
19:51
Yep, yep.
19:51
Yes.
19:52
Right.
19:52
And so much somebody coming in your room being like, okay, this is how you have to feed your baby.
19:56
Oh my gosh, can we, like, I don't, I remember being there and being like so aggressive, like, wait, I gotta sit here.
20:02
You're telling me to hold it like this and do this and what?
20:04
And I'm like, like the actual anxiety from that alone, when they come in there, when the postpartum, and they're wonderful, the maternity nurses, but I was like, what the fuck?
20:13
I gotta hold thing like a, but we need like a football.
20:15
What?
20:15
It's a lot.
20:16
And so that was just a nightmare.
20:19
And then I calmed down a little bit, still anxious, but like calmed down a little bit when I had my second.
20:24
And I remember being like, I don't want anyone in that fucking room.
20:29
I don't want anyone in that room with me.
20:30
I'm doing this on my own.
20:32
I'm just gonna place her on my chest and let things happen.
20:35
Because No, like I realized like, what an awful experience that was.
20:40
Well, that confidence comes where you're like, you feel a little bit more, you did this before.
20:43
Yes.
20:44
Right, right.
20:44
Like, so when you knew all those other people didn't end up helping you.
20:47
Right.
20:47
It made you more heightened and more Yes.
20:49
When you're an anxious person, your nervous system is already like.
20:53
Firing.
20:53
Yes.
20:53
And also like I went to like the head lactation consultant in the state of Connecticut.
20:57
And then it was like the tongue tie thing.
20:59
Do I need to drive to this doctor and maybe get a tongue tie fixed?
21:02
No.
21:02
What is it?
21:02
Like?
21:02
I just remember searching for the answer and not getting anything.
21:05
So I was a ball of nerves.
21:08
Then I had my second and that again, feeling more confident.
21:13
Still anxious.
21:14
Yeah.
21:15
But you know, I'd done this before.
21:17
Okay.
21:17
Now still working as a nurse.
21:19
Yeah.
21:19
You know, still building something on the side.
21:21
Your children.
21:21
Yes.
21:22
Maternity leave here sucks.
21:23
So it's like I had a, I hired a nanny after that at that point because I was like, I you know, my ex was still working at that time and so it was just hard to like juggle too.
21:33
You get it, you're in it right now.
21:34
And the mine are sim similar years apart.
21:36
So and she also like that she, I, I always joke like she steamrolled her way through life.
21:43
Like I wasn't able to get an epidural.
21:44
She was just like, boom, here you go.
21:46
Here we are.
21:47
Here I am.
21:47
You know?
21:48
So she kind of like, is my wild.
21:50
She runs the show.
21:51
Oh.
21:51
Like, and I joked, I was like, wow, if she came flying out in like one push, I almost had her in the parking lot of Yale.
21:58
Like literally.
21:59
And I just remember being like, if this is telling to how this child is going to be, and it is, it's very much her.
22:06
She's just, yeah, they definitely do match the birth.
22:10
Decided.
22:11
Yes.
22:11
It's, yes.
22:12
Literally.
22:13
And I'm like, okay.
22:14
It's so funny.
22:16
So she.
22:17
I was, you know, a little bit better after that.
22:20
But then after I had my third, my anxiety got so bad to the point where I was literally losing hair outta my head.
22:27
I had subic dermatitis on my scalp.
22:30
I had peri oral dermatitis all over my face.
22:32
I was having heart palpitations where I almost drove myself into the hospital.
22:36
So now all the physiological things are coming out.
22:39
Coming out.
22:39
Mm-hmm.
22:39
It was so, so bad.
22:41
And I had started seeing a therapist, but like, you get to that point where no.
22:46
Yeah.
22:46
I was like, I can't even, like, if you tell me to deep breathe one more fucking time, like I don't care about your box breathing bullshit.
22:54
Like, I can't even sit and think about box breathing because I am like, you know?
22:59
Yeah.
23:00
And I was like, I gotta do something.
23:02
And that's when I started Lexapro and Lexapro, Lauren is a much better person.
23:05
Yeah.
23:06
So that worked for you?
23:07
Mm-hmm.
23:07
It did back then.
23:08
Mm-hmm.
23:09
And I felt like it really like helped things calm down.
23:13
So yes, that was like life changing.
23:15
And then when I finally got on it, I remember when it hit, I was like, oh, I should have done this way long ago.
23:22
Let's talk like, I should have done this.
23:23
Seriously.
23:24
Let's, let's talk about some of the stressors, obviously, that were going on at that point.
23:27
Yeah.
23:27
Because if you're, you're thinking about it, you said you left your nursing job at that point, but you're still over here building a business.
23:34
Yes.
23:34
And to your point now, you have not one, not two, but three kids at this point.
23:40
Mm-hmm.
23:40
You are pulled in so many directions when you're trying to multitask.
23:44
I think as, as a mom, as a woman, yeah.
23:46
And you were really, really building something like truly Yes.
23:51
At that point, yes.
23:52
At that point, right, like collaborations are coming in, it's actually being paid.
23:56
You have contracts that you have to complete and all of this stuff.
23:59
And so the pressure of that, I was also the primary breadwinner.
24:02
Yes.
24:03
So my ex stopped working and then we ended up hiring a nanny for additional help.
24:09
And it was just me.
24:11
So that's a lot of pressure on one.
24:12
It's a lot person A do Yeah.
24:13
Matter what you're doing.
24:14
Everything is, you're really doing everything.
24:16
Yes.
24:16
That's a lot of pressure.
24:17
Literally everything.
24:18
And you know how kids are like, you mom.
24:20
That's why I'm dads wonderfully as the mom.
24:23
Yep.
24:23
You dad are great.
24:24
Yep.
24:24
Yes.
24:25
But like, as the mom, it's it's just different.
24:27
Yeah.
24:27
So the amount of pressure on me was so insanely high because now it's like the bills are on me.
24:35
Like e everything, everything's on me Cool.
24:38
Everything in life.
24:38
Yep.
24:38
You know, managing the kids was on me and then again, like trying to just build.
24:44
My brand.
24:45
And I remember at that time, because I had Austin in 2018, and at that time was when I started working with QVC.
24:53
Mm-hmm.
24:53
I was actually the first influencer they ever worked with.
24:56
I remember my friend Ali had worked for them and she's now my friend, but like she had was a follower of mine and she dmd me and was like, Hey, I work for QVC, we actually are looking to get in the influencer space.
25:09
Can I send you this tree and can you share it and we'll give you an affiliate link and let's just see what happens.
25:14
And it like exploded.
25:16
And that kind of steamrolled things in that capacity where then I started working with them in other ways.
25:23
Right.
25:23
So we did like the Tilly box and we did other things.
25:27
And then that's when they approached me, maybe like a year later about doing my own line.
25:33
So now I am again crazy anxious having all these amazing, like, and it's like, and like I remember being like, why do I feel this way?
25:41
Like, nothing in my life is bad right now.
25:42
You know what I mean?
25:43
Like, I'm having all these amazing things.
25:45
But that's a classic statement.
25:45
Yes.
25:46
Right.
25:46
It's a classic statement.
25:47
Why do feel like this, this?
25:48
Because you've never learned how to get back to equilibrium or baseline.
25:51
Right.
25:51
And it doesn't matter if your whole life is perfect and everything is good.
25:55
If you've never learned how to calm yourself.
25:57
Right, right.
25:58
And ever.
25:58
And like we're going back now, right.
26:00
Like from growing up.
26:01
Right.
26:01
Okay.
26:02
Yeah.
26:02
So they approached me about a line, and that takes a while to actually put it into motion.
26:10
So you're doing things like a year in advance.
26:14
So there's a lot building up to that, a lot that happens behind the scenes, like taking video, taking photos, approving the stuff, like designing, I mean, all over the place.
26:23
And then we had our launch date set for like March 21st, 2020.
26:29
That's when the world shut down.
26:31
So I was like, what do you mean?
26:34
You know?
26:34
Yeah.
26:34
And it was just like, okay, like now, now we're like spraying Lysol on grocery bags.
26:42
Yeah.
26:42
And like I have this line that's supposed to, and was it a seasonal line?
26:45
Like Yeah.
26:46
Could it not be like, it couldn't date.
26:48
Date could not be moved.
26:49
Oh no.
26:50
It was like everything was already done.
26:52
Everything was already like waiting for the launch.
26:54
Yep.
26:55
And so I was like, all right, that's, I guess that's just what's gonna happen.
26:59
Yeah.
27:00
And luckily it did well, but like, you know, add in now add in, and you probably remember this like add in, now kids are coming home school and they want you to homeschool.
27:10
And honestly, you're trying to work and build a brand.
27:13
Yes.
27:13
And yes.
27:14
Yeah.
27:14
And that was on me.
27:15
Yeah.
27:15
Could you imagine being a teacher during that time?
27:18
No.
27:18
No.
27:18
And having your kids home and having to teach other kids.
27:21
No, I, what a nightmare for, I really don't know how I,'cause I was, I did not have kids at that point and I, it was a disaster.
27:27
I cannot even remotely imagine.
27:30
Yeah.
27:30
How hard that must have been for all of you.
27:31
And I don't wanna say it was homeschooling because like I know people who homeschool and thought it was not homeschooling.
27:35
That was just like fucking, I don't know.
27:37
It was just like trying to figure, torture, figure something out.
27:39
Right.
27:39
It was just like, it was a bandaid, literally.
27:41
It was literally a bandaid for this.
27:42
Oh my gosh, you have everyone home.
27:44
I couldn't have my nanny.
27:45
Right, right.
27:45
Because they were like, don't see anyone.
27:47
And I'm like, you expect me to now be like showing my kid this YouTube video about like vowels and like, I also have work to do.
27:56
Right.
27:56
Like it was so bad.
27:59
And I just remember being like, this is actually impossible.
28:02
Like the amount of work that was on me, solely me.
28:06
Was enough to make anyone wanna slam their head into a wall.
28:08
Yeah.
28:08
I swear.
28:09
And like, again, all the, and your youngest is two inside stress?
28:12
Yes.
28:12
Yeah.
28:12
Literally my youngest is two, so I have a six, four and a 2-year-old young, just trying to like, keep the younger two occupied.
28:21
No help.
28:22
Well alive.
28:22
Really alive, basically.
28:24
Yes.
28:24
At that point you're like, watch whatever TV you want because there's nothing else to do.
28:29
Um, and that was like the point where they were like, don't even go outside.
28:32
You're like, is it in the air?
28:33
Yeah.
28:33
It was really, you know, um, more fear.
28:35
Yes.
28:36
So, ugh.
28:37
Gosh.
28:37
Like looking back, I'm like, I'll never do that again.
28:39
And like all of that compounded to Yeah.
28:41
With somebody who's already anxious.
28:43
Like I, yes.
28:44
It was awful.
28:46
Awful.
28:46
Like back then, like 2020 was like a very pivotal year for me in general.
28:52
Mm-hmm.
28:53
I remember we were, it was around the time of my birthday because we were doing like a virtual paint and set.
28:59
Do you remember all those virtual things?
29:00
Yeah, all the virtual, oh my.
29:02
Such a nightmare.
29:02
We had a virtual gala for the children's house.
29:04
Did you really?
29:05
We had a virtual gala.
29:07
I was the chair.
29:08
They came to my house and they recorded me in.
29:10
My family, my four kids, nobody had been in my house except for like my parents and my sister, but yet they're like, they came to my house with a camera crew to record me and my family to like, introduce the gala.
29:22
I'm like, oh my God, what is happening?
29:24
This is so bizarre.
29:24
It's so traumatizing thinking about it.
29:26
And it really is also like, it just doesn't even feel like real No, it honestly like that online platform.
29:32
I was like, my God, what are we doing here?
29:33
Yeah.
29:34
It's like, so stupid.
29:35
So yes, we were doing a virtual paint and sip, and so my friend was dropping off the supplies and I literally, I just got out of the shower.
29:43
She was dropping it off on my doorstep.
29:45
I just got out of the shower, I stepped out, looked at my hair.
29:51
I didn't wash my hair, so remember it was like up in a button, like my shower cap, took it out and then looked at my hair.
29:57
That was literally just falling out in chunks.
29:58
So I had like all this sparse along, like sparse areas around my, yeah, the crown of my head and looked at my face with all the rash on it.
30:07
And I ha like actually had a breakdown.
30:11
It's like your body was screaming.
30:13
Yes.
30:13
And I started sobbing, like sobbing hysterically.
30:18
I remember my ex came upstairs and he didn't even know what to do with me and my friend at that point, she was like, I don't give a fuck.
30:25
Just let me inside to see her.
30:27
And she came in and I was like, literally in tears.
30:32
She's holding me.
30:33
I'm like, I can't do this anymore.
30:35
I can't do this anymore.
30:36
Like, I am looking like a disaster.
30:39
Like, I don't know what's going on with me.
30:41
Like this is, and she was like, I think it's time you go on meds.
30:45
And like, she was my one friend.
30:46
She actually is a friend who was like, I think you have anxiety.
30:51
It was just based on what I was like telling her.
30:53
And that is when I was like, I, I literally can't have this lifestyle anymore.
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And also, you know, when you're stressed like that, you're not a good mom.
32:00
Right.
32:01
You know, like I remember it hard to be snapping at my kids.
32:03
It's hard to Good, good at anything kids.
32:03
Exactly right.
32:04
I was, I was a terrible mom.
32:06
Not terrible mom, but you know what I mean?
32:07
Just trying to like, it's hard to feel I should correct myself.
32:09
Yes.
32:09
It's hard to feel like you're being like, you're doing anything.
32:12
Well.
32:12
Exactly.
32:12
It's not that you're not Right.
32:13
It's, but I was, I was still a great mom, feeling like a terrible mom.
32:17
Yes.
32:18
Right.
32:18
Because I'm not showing up and giving them my best self.
32:20
Yes.
32:21
Um, terrible wife, terrible friend.
32:23
Like just a terrible worker, you know, like terrible at everything.
32:26
That's how I'm feeling.
32:27
And that is when I was like, I can't, I have to, I have to figure something out.
32:31
So I went on.
32:33
Lexapro.
32:33
And that was so life changing for me.
32:35
And I remember when it finally kicked in, I had this like, aha moment.
32:40
I will never forget.
32:41
I remember it first started for a few weeks in where I was driving down the road and I was like, oh my God.
32:47
It's like so beautiful outside and being like, Ooh.
32:50
It was appreciate, you know what mean small.
32:52
Like literally like what?
32:53
Exactly.
32:55
Wow.
32:55
And then I remember I was sitting on the couch, Austin was in a phase where we watched Moana from morning till night.
33:01
'cause again, COVID like whatever we're in, I love Moana.
33:03
It's like one of my favorites.
33:04
We, we watched it last night.
33:05
Love it.
33:05
It's my favorite.
33:07
It's so good.
33:09
So good.
33:10
Um, and so we were watching it and I remember this feeling came over me and I was like, I just feel so grateful that I get to sit here next to him and watch us.
33:20
And I just started like crying of happiness and I was like, is this what it feels like to be normal?
33:27
Yeah.
33:28
You know what I mean?
33:29
Like Yeah.
33:29
And not Yeah.
33:31
Stress out.
33:31
And so then it was like, holy shit, I should have been on Lexapro or something so long ago.
33:38
Like the person I have been for years is not actually me.
33:43
Mm-hmm.
33:43
You know?
33:44
Yeah.
33:44
And it was just this like amazing feeling.
33:47
And now things happened.
33:48
Right.
33:49
So it's like.
33:50
Where I had to increase my dose a little bit.
33:52
Obviously stressors, but I mean, and I used to like my anxiety, I would be afraid to go to a store.
33:56
I'd have a panic attack, like walking into a store.
33:58
I was, that was gonna be my next question was like, walk me through Yeah.
34:01
Your mind state, if you can remember.
34:02
Yeah.
34:02
At that point also, every word you're saying.
34:05
Yeah.
34:05
I feel like, yeah.
34:06
I'm you.
34:07
Yeah.
34:07
Yes.
34:08
Are you like, this is right now, like, this is me, like every stage in what you're Oh yeah.
34:13
No, not right now.
34:13
No.
34:14
I'm, I was like, girl, we gotta get you some Lexapro.
34:16
I know, like, yes.
34:18
2016 to probably 20, 25.
34:22
Yeah.
34:22
I just feel like all these things you're saying, I'm like, they, I'm sure they're hitting a lot of, I'm sure a lot of people are feeling the same.
34:28
Raised myself before I went into homeroom.
34:30
It was much So walk me through then, what that Yeah.
34:32
It was me.
34:33
Yes.
34:34
Right.
34:34
People.
34:35
I think I also, so again, anxiety high in general, I had a fear of flying.
34:41
Not that I wouldn't fly, but I was terrified of it.
34:44
I also was married to someone who you know, former military, kind of like always on guard, always on watch, and would like openly talk about things going on in the world, and that's fine.
34:57
But like, my mindset was not there.
34:59
Like, I could not hear.
35:01
I remember saying to him, I literally do not wanna hear about anything because I, I can't like.
35:07
Physically can't.
35:08
You were like, tell me good news.
35:08
Yeah.
35:09
Like, I can't tell me about a puppy.
35:10
Can't.
35:10
If you tell me that something happened, like I'm now going to be terrified to walk into the grocery store, and that's what was happening.
35:16
Like, I couldn't walk into the groceries.
35:17
I mean, granted, we also physically couldn't.
35:19
Right?
35:20
So I guess COVID was good for me in that sense, but once things started, like, you know, like, but pre COVID, right?
35:25
Like, it was like I was white knuckled on an airplane, practically hyperventilating, like on takeoff, like couldn't handle it, right?
35:33
Anxiety, stomach, you know, like leading up to it.
35:36
Going into a store.
35:37
I remember being in a store one time and someone looked suspicious.
35:41
I don't even know what the fuck that means, but like, I just had this feeling in my head that they were going to open fire.
35:47
Like in the store.
35:48
Yeah.
35:48
Yeah.
35:48
And it was always worst case scenario.
35:50
And I was like, I can't even be in the store.
35:52
And I remember like, walking out and like panicking, right?
35:55
So a lot of that, a lot of, nerves dropping my kids off to school, being like, what if that's the last time I see them?
36:01
It was always like this, these like impulsive and then also a lot of intrusive thoughts.
36:07
Yes.
36:07
I should say yes.
36:08
Right?
36:08
Yes.
36:08
A lot of intrusive thoughts, which I don't think people talk about enough.
36:11
So I remember literally being like, oh gosh, what happened if I just like, you know what I mean?
36:16
Like, just weird things like that, that like, you're like, why am I thinking that?
36:21
Why am I thinking that?
36:21
Know?
36:21
Why would I think that way?
36:22
Yeah.
36:22
Um, so really bad intrusive thoughts that would take over really bad doom and gloom.
36:27
Like what if, what if, what if, what if.
36:29
That you were living in a state of fear.
36:30
Yeah.
36:31
Total state of fear.
36:33
And it wreaks havoc on your nervous system.
36:35
Yes.
36:35
It's just, I mean, from the inside out, it's now add being the one who's in charge of everything.
36:42
Right?
36:42
The house.
36:43
Yep.
36:43
The money, the bills.
36:44
Yep.
36:45
The kids.
36:46
Yep.
36:46
Everything and, and everything.
36:48
Having to brave a public feast.
36:49
Yes.
36:50
And also, right.
36:51
Exactly.
36:51
Having to show up.
36:52
And now also dealing with the people as you know, who are online and criticize you about everything.
36:57
Have an opinion about everything.
36:58
And I remember if someone sent me a negative comment, it would send me into a spiral.
37:04
Like it would be so bad.
37:07
And so it was just an awful way of living.
37:12
How were you showing up online at this time in your life?
37:15
Mm-hmm.
37:16
Were you sharing these personal struggles?
37:17
No.
37:17
Or you haven't, you have not turned into that Lauren yet?
37:20
I have not turned that Lauren yet.
37:21
Okay.
37:21
I was just trying to do whatever everyone else was doing.
37:24
Doing Born Like you were in high school where you would put on a brave face and walk Mask.
37:27
Mask it, mask it.
37:28
So you were still in the mask.
37:29
Mm-hmm.
37:30
Yeah.
37:30
And sharing, you know, like, ha ha ha.
37:32
Okay.
37:32
Like, I'm a mom and this is what I'm doing.
37:34
And, and like I did share struggles like with.
37:37
Pumping and, and breastfeeding and miscarriage, because I do think those things mm-hmm.
37:41
I still do are important to share.
37:43
No one really was openly talking about them back then.
37:45
So I would share those struggles.
37:47
You were sharing moments.
37:48
Yeah, exactly.
37:48
I was not sharing that.
37:49
I was having intrusive thoughts about like driving Yeah.
37:51
Driving my car off Cliff.
37:52
You know, or should you have to.
37:54
Right.
37:54
You know?
37:54
Right.
37:55
Especially when you're going through something that deep Yeah.
37:57
Just because you're online does not mean you have to lift the curtain Exactly.
38:00
When you're going through something that deep.
38:01
Exactly.
38:01
So, and I also, again, you know, I was sharing my kids a lot back then too.
38:06
Mm-hmm.
38:06
So I started sharing them less when my oldest went to kindergarten.
38:11
And I'll never forget because I was volunteering in his classroom for a science day and I sat down at the table and I was getting ready to teach them about polar bears and their skin and blubber and all that stuff.
38:24
And one of his classmates looked at me and goes, my mom said, you're a celebrity.
38:29
Oh.
38:29
And I was like, oh okay.
38:32
So your mom follows me and sees what we're doing.
38:35
Yeah.
38:35
And then maybe showed him.
38:36
Yeah.
38:37
And I was like, no, I'm a nurse.
38:40
'cause I still was at that point.
38:41
You know what I mean?
38:41
And I was like, and I remember coming home and being like, that was weird.
38:45
Like that just, it just like hit me in a way.
38:47
And I was like, I think I'm gonna start.
38:49
Lessening up.
38:51
Like lightening up on what I'm physically showing.
38:54
Like I can talk family.
38:55
Yes.
38:55
But like not.
38:56
And also, you know, as your kids are, especially as your kids are getting older, they're going through things that like I, I'm sorry I'm not sharing shit like that on about my kids platform.
39:05
It's not their platform.
39:05
They didn't ask platform.
39:06
Exactly.
39:06
It's not their platform.
39:07
And they didn't ask if their mom has this platform, you know?
39:09
But also as your kids get older, I'm sure they'll tell you, yeah, I don't want you talking about me.
39:14
Exactly.
39:15
Kids as Christina know, two of them are like, did you talk about me today?
39:18
Did you talk about me today?
39:18
Oh yeah.
39:19
And the other two totally are like, I my name cannot come outta your mouth.
39:23
Yeah.
39:23
Total.
39:23
Like I feel it gets a total personality.
39:25
Yeah.
39:25
And you have to respect your kids.
39:26
And I think as they get older, they're more understanding of things.
39:29
So it makes sense.
39:30
Exactly.
39:30
However.
39:32
I think that that shift, right?
39:33
Mm-hmm.
39:34
Can be upsetting to some people who follow you for the family content.
39:39
Right.
39:39
That you Yeah.
39:39
And it was, and it, right.
39:41
So it was a big shift online of kind of removing that.
39:44
Mm-hmm.
39:44
Maybe not sharing as much of the family life that you used to share.
39:48
Yeah.
39:48
And people probably felt like they connected to you.
39:51
Yeah.
39:51
And they felt like, oh, we're going through the same things.
39:54
We have kids the same age, and now they're, she's no longer sharing those things.
39:57
Exactly.
39:58
And it forms a disconnect with people.
40:01
Yes.
40:01
And so that's when I started, I started pulling back around that time, and I would still show them, but it was more like in family photos.
40:10
Right.
40:10
I wouldn't just be like, film, you know?
40:12
Yeah.
40:12
Austin A.
40:13
Little bit, he was a baby, and I mean, he was so freaking cute and like his jumping videos and all this stuff, but I, I started the shift slowly.
40:20
Yes.
40:20
Right?
40:20
Yes.
40:21
But yes.
40:21
And that's when I was like, well, I'm gonna share fashion more and I'm gonna share all this stuff more.
40:25
And yes, there was definitely a population of women who followed me specifically for that and Oh, I heard about it.
40:34
Yeah.
40:34
When I stopped sharing especially when I then transitioned to fully no longer showing them and covering their faces it was, why are you not sharing your kids anymore?
40:44
Like, I want to see your kids as if like I owed.
40:48
Anyone showing them my children.
40:51
And so how did you handle that?
40:53
Did you ever like address it?
40:55
I did address it a few times.
40:57
So awkward.
40:57
I know I did address it a few times and just said, I'm putting boundaries in place.
41:01
I don't remember when I even did that.
41:02
We might be jumping ahead a little bit, but I do remember putting boundaries in place and saying like, I am no longer doing this.
41:10
Yeah.
41:10
And I don't really care.
41:11
And I also, you know, I, that was also again, the shift of me as a person.
41:15
Yeah.
41:15
Yeah.
41:16
And so I started not really caring what I, and I definitely was following the trend, right.
41:23
Like following what other people were doing.
41:25
I was, and growing up I definitely would consider myself a follower as instead of like a leader.
41:31
And so I was just following, you know, okay, well everyone's doing these so I must do this.
41:34
Everyone's showing their kids and everybody's doing this type of content and it's easy to get wrapped up in that, especially when you're, you know, you're looking for success a lot now, to your point.
41:44
Yeah.
41:45
You're the sole provider Yeah.
41:48
Of the family.
41:49
It's still business.
41:49
So it's still your business and when you mix kind of, it's like mixing business with pleasure.
41:54
Yeah.
41:54
You're mixing your life and your livelihood depends on that.
41:57
Yeah.
41:57
I think that that's something that doesn't get talked enough about, you know, where just.
42:02
It's kind of like the ins and outs of the influencer business.
42:05
Yes.
42:05
And like how, what that really looks like behind the scenes.
42:09
And people sometimes have to take a step back and say, well, if I was in that position, and people might say, well, I wouldn't put myself in that position.
42:16
Okay, fine.
42:16
Right.
42:17
But if you were in that, it shouldn't be in this convers If you, if you were in that position, especially someone who grew into this, it wasn't like you jumped into this in 2022.
42:26
You knew what it was like.
42:28
You're like, I'm putting my family out on the bus.
42:30
Yeah.
42:30
It's very different when you had this and it grew into something and now you have a business that spins off of it and it's all connected to your livelihood.
42:39
Yeah.
42:39
And now you're making that intentional step to kind of shift your content and it wants to go this way, but people want it to stay this way.
42:47
Yeah.
42:47
And then also behind the scenes tell us what was happening inside your relationship.
42:53
Yeah.
42:53
And your fa and maybe the fa family dynamic without obviously being respectful of the situation.
42:59
Right.
42:59
Yeah.
42:59
That yes, definitely wanna be respectful of everyone involved.
43:03
But you know, people evolve as clearly I've said over the past however many minutes.
43:10
Right.
43:11
And I think that was the start of a big shift for me kind of deciding like, I actually can't do this anymore and I need to do things a little differently for myself.
43:23
And this is now also to, and not to interject.
43:26
Yeah.
43:26
Now you're taking medication.
43:27
Yeah.
43:27
And you're starting to finally feel like yourself, like myself and learning who myself is, I actually should say.
43:33
Right?
43:33
Because like have you incorporated therapy at this point too?
43:36
Oh yeah.
43:36
I had be, I started therapy first and then realized like I, that these therapeutic tactics are not doing anything.
43:43
I need meds.
43:44
Right.
43:44
You can't access them unless you're, unless you're on clear end.
43:47
Exactly.
43:47
Yeah.
43:47
Unless you have medications to work with it in tandem.
43:49
But anyway.
43:50
Right.
43:50
So, um, yeah, so that was me starting to actually like, figure out who this person is that I essentially haven't been in a long time.
44:01
Mm-hmm.
44:02
Ever maybe.
44:02
Mm-hmm.
44:03
Like really when you think about it.
44:05
And it just, there were definitely some shifts.
44:11
Yeah.
44:11
And you know, when you have two people living together and those shifts are happening, if, if you're not evolving together, that obviously causes some issues.
44:24
And I also think when you don't align on similar things that's very hard.
44:31
And so what I realized now is I was very heavily influenced by people in my life, and that was who that person.
44:44
That was showing up every day on the internet was mm-hmm.
44:48
Instead of me being like, okay, no.
44:50
Like, who am I?
44:52
Right.
44:53
Who am I, what do I believe in?
44:55
Right.
44:56
Like, politically, religion, all these things.
45:00
Like what does Lauren believe without the influence of anyone?
45:05
Literally anyone.
45:06
Anyone else.
45:07
Yep.
45:07
And that was something, I mean, I'm still kind of going through that a little bit.
45:13
Right.
45:13
Still like a learning curve, but that was really big for me.
45:16
Mm-hmm.
45:17
Um, there were definitely things that I felt like I had to say, had to do, had to act a certain way due to influence by those around me.
45:27
And, and I didn't, you know, know any better.
45:30
Like I was just kind of, okay.
45:31
Yeah.
45:31
Yeah.
45:32
You know, whatever.
45:32
Yeah.
45:32
And you're married and you're happy and all you very young know and all these things.
45:35
You to that point, when you're growing and you're learning about yourself, and now you're married and you made a commitment to somebody that like, to your point, the goal is to try to evolve together.
45:44
Exactly.
45:44
Exactly.
45:44
But that doesn't always happen.
45:45
It doesn't always happen.
45:46
And it's just one of those things.
45:48
Yeah.
45:49
It doesn't always happen.
45:50
And I also realize that we are very.
45:55
Different people, and I know they say opposites attract.
45:59
I don't always believe that.
46:01
I think opposites can attract in certain ways, but when you're just very opposite in everything when you, you and balance, right?
46:06
Like certain things.
46:08
I think it depends on how it compli each other.
46:09
Exactly.
46:09
Yes.
46:09
How it compliments.
46:10
I think as a couple and as a family, you have to have your own values and then you have the couple values, right?
46:15
If those don't align, if they don't match me, don't Yeah.
46:18
Very hard.
46:18
Yes.
46:19
Then that's a problem.
46:20
Yeah.
46:20
You know, and that was also, you know, 2020 with COVID.
46:23
I, right.
46:24
There's a lot of, like, that's when like the politics are starting to heighten and all this stuff and all these different movements and all these things, and like, when you don't align on a lot of those things, it's very, very challenging.
46:37
And again, I also just never really spoke on a lot of things because again, I have all this other stuff going on in my head.
46:47
Right.
46:48
So it's like, I didn't even think like, well wait a minute, let me back up here.
46:53
Can I just remove everyone else and like, what are my views here?
46:56
Or like, what do I think on this without mm-hmm.
47:00
Someone telling me what I should or shouldn't.
47:03
Wow.
47:03
Believe.
47:04
So that kind of started happening for me around then.
47:10
And there's also other things that obviously I don't, you know, a a lot of other things behind the scenes, just relationship wise that were going on.
47:19
That, you know, just didn't work.
47:22
Mm-hmm.
47:23
So as what happens in a divorce, do you know what I'm saying?
47:26
Mm-hmm.
47:27
Like this is just kind of what, what it is and what happens.
47:30
And at some point things kind of break down.
47:32
I look back and like, we renewed our vows at 10 years and I'm like, I think that was probably a sign because Wow.
47:39
That was like a repro to each other.
47:42
And so things felt like you needed to repro to each other.
47:46
Correct.
47:46
And okay.
47:46
That's an interesting way to look at it.
47:48
COVID.
47:48
I would that it's, yeah.
47:50
Uh, we, yeah, it was in 2019.
47:52
Wow.
47:54
So looking back on that, that was like our, you know, what we did.
48:00
What did you think at the time though?
48:01
Did you think that you were just like, okay, we're hitting this milestone.
48:04
Let's renew the vows.
48:06
Yeah.
48:06
And now do you feel like in hindsight you feel were probably not?
48:09
Well, that year I was not.
48:10
Well, that year ago.
48:10
Yeah.
48:11
Um, yes.
48:12
Again, maybe it was Lauren searching for the stability again.
48:15
Yeah.
48:15
It was back to that.
48:16
I think so.
48:16
Yeah.
48:17
And so, but looking back, it's like, well, why did I need to renew my v?
48:21
You know?
48:21
And, um, why were you searching?
48:24
Just like, why was I searching the decade prior?
48:27
Yeah.
48:27
What were you searching for?
48:28
Yeah.
48:28
Yeah.
48:29
I think something to me, like looking back and having to evaluate it right now, it's like I definitely was still searching for something that I didn't have.
48:39
Mm-hmm.
48:40
And I think, again, like I think COVID, like either made or broke a lot of people.
48:44
And I think, again, when you're stuck inside mm-hmm.
48:46
With a person, and then when you're starting to not agree on certain things, it just really kind of like creates this divide.
48:53
Yeah.
48:53
And that's, it's just really hard.
48:55
It's so hard when you don't have the same views on things and all of that.
49:00
Well, because I think Christina brought up, made a good point to me on a podcast like 20 episodes ago.
49:06
'cause I was like bitching to her about something Nick was doing Yeah.
49:09
Or something.
49:10
And she said, you and your husband have a lot of mutual respect for one another.
49:13
Mm-hmm.
49:14
And I believe that I can have a lot of disagreements with him, but because I have a mutual respect for his beliefs and he does mine.
49:22
Yes.
49:23
That's like a, like our foundation and Right.
49:26
And I think that when you start to lose respect for somebody, when that crumbles from what they believe in.
49:31
Yes.
49:31
Yeah.
49:32
Where do you go from there?
49:33
And that's essentially kind of like what happened, you know?
49:36
And so, or started to happen anyway.
49:38
Again, without like, getting into detail.
49:41
Right.
49:41
We don't, right.
49:41
Yeah.
49:41
But like, it's, it's, it is hard, like when you don't agree on something so strongly and you're like, what do you mean?
49:48
Like, how can you think that?
49:50
And you're like, you know, or even being like, well you should think this.
49:54
And you're like, well I actually don't think that, you know, you evolve and you change as you get older.
49:58
I mean, Lauren in 2020 was not Lauren in 20 20 10.
50:03
Lauren in 2026 is not Lauren in 2020.
50:06
But I don't think that that should even be the expectation.
50:08
It's not yet.
50:09
It's, I agree.
50:09
And I think back to this, you know, kind of bringing you back to the version of you online.
50:15
Yeah.
50:15
Right.
50:16
There is this pressure that you have to remain the same.
50:20
Yes.
50:20
And you have to be consistent.
50:21
So I guess because I've known you for so long, right?
50:25
To your point, if you scroll back five, six years ago mm-hmm.
50:29
You're gonna see Lauren a very different version.
50:33
Very different Right.
50:33
Than what, than what's currently online now.
50:36
Yeah.
50:36
It's gonna be a little softer, it's gonna be a little bit more polished.
50:40
It's gonna be very motherhood focused.
50:43
Mm-hmm.
50:43
But you've obviously stepped in the last couple of years to a little bit more of a bolder version of yourself.
50:50
Mm-hmm.
50:51
You're, you're saying that's because a lot of pressure has been lifted a lot.
50:55
You feel like you have freedom now to find who you are and express that now.
51:01
Yeah.
51:01
But would you say that the earlier version of yourself then was inauthentic?
51:08
No.
51:09
I've always shown up and been my authentic self, but I think the earlier version of Lauren was just very heavily influenced by the people that she was around.
51:17
Right?
51:17
Mm-hmm.
51:18
And this version of Lauren is no longer influenced by others.
51:24
I can kind of stand on two feet and be like, Nope, this is who I am.
51:27
Mm-hmm.
51:27
And I don't care if you like it or not.
51:29
Mm-hmm.
51:30
Um, I was very much a people pleaser and just wanted everyone to be happy because again, anxiety, do you know what I mean?
51:35
And I showed up as, as who I was.
51:38
Right.
51:38
Then that version of me though was just a, honestly like a shell of who I am now and was very, very, very lost and thought.
51:50
Mm-hmm.
51:51
You know, I mean, she she did what she could back then.
51:54
Yeah.
51:54
She didn't know any better and now it's, I'm still learning, but I am me without the influence of anyone else.
52:06
And, and listen, people don't like that.
52:09
I don't care.
52:09
Yeah.
52:10
I divorce causes a lot of changes in things.
52:13
Right.
52:14
So there's definitely been friendships that are no longer and relationships that are no longer and that is okay.
52:20
Like I am 1000000% okay with that.
52:24
You really learn who is like rock solid in your life when you go through a hard time.
52:29
Yeah.
52:30
And it's very interesting when you do finally kind of like come clean to people and are like, Hey, this is what's going on, or this is what happened, this is what I've realized.
52:40
Mm-hmm.
52:41
Um, who is like.
52:42
Like, I'm here for you.
52:44
Yeah.
52:44
And who is like, well, I don't really understand and there's no guidebook on how to like navigate either one when I I Right.
52:52
A divorce or even like being a friend to someone who's going through divorce, like there's no, there's nothing.
52:56
Yeah.
52:56
And I think some people are just like, I don't wanna deal with it.
52:58
I'm backing away and like, see you later and that's fine.
53:02
But the past few years has definitely taught me who my true rock solid friends are.
53:09
The friends that can check you and be like, Hey, I'm gonna hold you accountable to X, Y, and Z.
53:14
And the friends who are gonna be like, I don't care what happened.
53:17
I still love you for you no matter what, and I'm gonna help you go through this.
53:21
The friends who are checking in on you and supporting you and whatever.
53:25
And the ones who just kind of fall off.
53:27
Mm-hmm.
53:27
And it has really made me re reevaluate my life and the people in it and appreciate them so much more.
53:39
Like, I feel like if anything I have become a better friend.
53:42
And I feel so much lighter.
53:44
Like I can't even explain like the weight that has been lifted because I, of all the different personalities you've been been caring with you.
53:54
Exactly.
53:54
All the years you've been able to shed that.
53:56
Exactly.
53:56
And just find.
53:58
One.
53:58
Yes.
53:59
Who was you?
53:59
And now you're sharing that.
54:00
Yes.
54:01
So much so.
54:02
And I'm okay.
54:03
Like I'm okay with someone not liking me or having an opinion of me that they've formulated from, I don't know what, like the two seconds I share online or what they heard from so and so and whatever.
54:13
Mm-hmm.
54:14
And I'm like, you know what?
54:16
I don't care.
54:16
I don't care.
54:17
I don't care.
54:18
Think whatever you want.
54:19
Because you know what?
54:19
That doesn't actually impact me in any way.
54:21
The people I care about are my kids, my family, and the people in my life who are there for a reason.
54:28
You know?
54:28
Mm-hmm.
54:29
And if you don't like how I'm showing up, whether it's in life or work or on Instagram, you don't have to, I mean, that, that's like you have free will.
54:39
You don't have to.
54:39
Mm-hmm.
54:40
You know what I mean?
54:40
That's like the beauty of it.
54:41
You don't have to, and I am fully okay.
54:44
No longer being friends with the people I'm no longer friends with.
54:47
Mm-hmm.
54:47
It's actually like, I mean, obviously that rejection hurts a little bit at first, but then you're just like, oh, wow.
54:54
No, I don't miss that at all.
54:55
Well, it's a shift.
54:56
You know what I mean?
54:57
Yeah.
54:57
And I even think.
54:58
If you're considering like, the community that you've built, right?
55:02
Yeah.
55:02
With people what, like we said, of all kind of ages across the spectrum of life spectrum, all all walks of life.
55:08
Yeah.
55:09
Some of those people are going to just like you said about friendships, right?
55:13
Mm-hmm.
55:13
Because it's kind of like a parasocial relationship that you end up having with the community and that they have with you, right?
55:20
Yes.
55:20
And it's almost in those categories of what you just said.
55:24
Like there's going to be people who follow you that are ride or die and they just love you for who you are and how you show up.
55:31
Mm-hmm.
55:31
And then there are gonna be people who loved a different version of you Yeah.
55:35
That you have outgrown Very much so.
55:36
And now you're in a different period of life and they no longer align with that.
55:40
Right.
55:41
And so what would you say to those people?
55:44
I would say it's okay to just unfollow.
55:46
Right?
55:47
I mean, I've lost so many followers over the years and it's honestly Okay.
55:53
It's fine.
55:54
And I get it, like they liked the version of me who was influenced heavily by outside people.
56:01
Mm-hmm.
56:02
They had their opinions on what I believe, what I follow, all this stuff.
56:07
Well, maybe'cause it aligned with them.
56:09
Exactly.
56:10
And I also think people just need to understand and be okay with the fact that like, it's okay to grow and change.
56:17
Mm-hmm.
56:17
And, and listen, like.
56:18
You can think one thing one year and one thing another year.
56:21
That's okay.
56:22
Mm-hmm.
56:22
Like you're able to do that.
56:23
It's okay to finally just, you change your mind.
56:25
Yes, exactly.
56:26
Yes.
56:26
You're totally okay to change your mind.
56:27
Yes.
56:28
And that there's nothing wrong with that.
56:29
And so it's, I, it's, it's fine.
56:33
I don't now.
56:35
I mean, I, I've definitely had my fair share of people telling me exactly what they think of me in messages.
56:41
Which also was just weird.
56:43
'cause like, I don't know, like I would just never message anyone and be like, Hey, like you're a bitch.
56:48
Like, I like, it's so, it's always weird to me'cause I'm like, they'll an amount of energy it took to do that.
56:54
Like you could be putting towards something else.
56:57
And that's my other thing is I have been big on protecting my energy.
57:01
A lot of my energy was negative over the years.
57:05
Mm-hmm.
57:05
And I'm very much like very positive.
57:08
I'm protecting that.
57:09
I want good vibes.
57:10
I want my house to feel happy.
57:12
I want my kids to feel that good energy coming from me instead of like the anxious.
57:17
Mm-hmm.
57:17
Dark energy.
57:18
When you restored your nervous system, I'm sure this is probably something and it's still restoring you had to put Right, right.
57:23
Yeah.
57:24
You know, started to restore.
57:26
Right.
57:26
I started working on it.
57:27
Started working on it.
57:28
I think you need to work daily on your Yeah, for sure.
57:29
Your nervous system remains.
57:31
Yeah, for sure.
57:32
At peace and restored.
57:33
Yeah.
57:33
So I think part of that process is constantly emitting good energy.
57:38
For sure, because that's for sure, you know, keeping that nervous system at at bay mm-hmm.
57:43
Yeah.
57:43
Is important.
57:44
And that's the other thing.
57:45
So if you, I don't know there was a few years back where I started really like looking into my gut health because my stomach was a mess and all this stuff.
57:53
And she did one test that basically checks like your body's response to stress.
57:59
And she called me and was like, Lauren, if you don't do something to change your stress, like right now, you're gonna burn out and you're gonna end up like hospitalized.
58:09
Like that's how bad your numbers are.
58:11
And that freaked me out because I was like, oh fuck, this was, mom was three, all of the responsibilities.
58:17
Yeah.
58:17
This was back in maybe like 20, 23.
58:21
2024.
58:22
Yeah.
58:22
And so like, I'm starting that shit, but like, not fully, fully, it takes, you know, and we're like just starting the process of being like, Hey, I don't think this is working anymore.
58:30
And that was scary because I was like, I, I have to do something, so I have to do something.
58:35
It's wild because I did something similar this year.
58:37
Mm-hmm.
58:38
And it is wild because you obviously know all the things that are going on in your head, right?
58:42
Yeah.
58:43
And you're like, this isn't normal.
58:45
I'm so stressed out.
58:46
You know it to see it on paper.
58:48
Oh yeah.
58:49
Kind of like.
58:51
It makes it real.
58:51
It's no longer mental to it's, and, and it's like, to see it on paper that it's physically taking a toll on you is like a very, it's a very eye-opening experience where you're like, this isn't just in my head.
59:05
Yep.
59:05
This is literally, it's manifesting throughout my body, you know?
59:10
And physically, yes.
59:11
And so, and then you tie the two of them together.
59:14
So I do, I think that that's important.
59:16
You're right.
59:16
Like it's so eye-opening.
59:18
You're like, oh my God.
59:19
This is literally now affecting me on the inside.
59:22
Yeah.
59:22
It really kind of makes you wanna like, oh yeah, take charge of this, of like this.
59:25
Yeah.
59:25
Because it's not something mentally you can't, you're not really getting those numbers right.
59:29
Right.
59:29
Like mentally you're like, this is in my head.
59:32
Yeah.
59:32
This is in my head.
59:33
Maybe I'm overreacting.
59:34
Yeah.
59:35
Yes.
59:35
When you see it on paper that this is actually physically affecting you.
59:40
Mm-hmm.
59:40
I think that that's a huge kind of like, it's a kick in the ass to like get it together, you know, like to try to do something about this.
59:47
So guys, we're leaving you on a little bit of a cliffhanger.
59:50
These topics that we talked about in this podcast, one hour just would not do it justice.
59:55
So we decided to break it up into two parts.
59:57
So make sure that you come back next week to hear how the rest of Lauren's story unravels.
1:00:02
See you next week.