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8-Minute MindShift Wk 46 · Mental Health and the Mission of the Church

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hey everybody.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, I'm just a minute late there.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I honestly just got uh got distracted uh just looking at stuff to talk to you about.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: But uh interesting scripture in uh Romans chapter 7 that kind of captures something I want to talk about today.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: We're still gonna be kind of using um the three little pigs as a background thought, just how they set out to build.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, in the in the story, the the parable as we're calling it, they set out to build houses, but I I believe that we could easily say that represents our life.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: And uh again, remember lazy pig, smart, uh, lazy pig, playful pig, smart pig.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Only one of the three ended well.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: And uh we we just want to figure out how to be that last one, how to be the pig that uh I don't want to be a pig, by the way, but how to be the pig that um ends well, but also in ending well, is able to help others.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, because remember the brothers ran to the third little pig's house for safety and protection, and I think we could extrapolate and say, maybe even learning how to build the next house better.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: So uh I just love the story.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: I love the I love all that's buried in it.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: So here's an interesting verse.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: I want to talk to you about one of my favorite tools today, one of the tools that I use in uh breaking my own cycles when I'm caught in.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Excuse me, one second.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Excuse me, breaking my own cycles when I get caught in a cycle that I'm like, man, why do I keep doing that?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and I'm sure we all have them, but I want to talk to you about one of my favorite tools that I use uh when I'm in a cycle that I can't figure out how to break.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: But listen to scripture in Romans chapter 7.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: It says this.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't understand what I'm doing.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: For what I want to do, what I've set out to do, what I've set my heart on doing, I don't do it.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: And what I hate, what I don't want to do, what I what I it is like taking me away from what I want, I do.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: This is in the Bible, man.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: I love I love that the Bible's so honest.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: For I have the desire to do what is good.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: I have the want to do what is good, but I can't carry it out.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um I just think it's cool that it's it it lays this out.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: For I don't do the good that I want to do, but the evil, and by evil in our context, what we mean is that thought, belief, or behavior that carries me away from what I want, that is what I keep on doing.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um you ever done something that didn't work, didn't get you the result you wanted, and yet you did it again.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Uh it could be anything.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Probably the biggest one that I focus on at times is just food.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like, man, I want to lose 10 pounds, I want to lose 15 pounds, whatever.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I'll just like, man, uh, we can do this.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'll go a stretch, and then that pizza looks really good or whatever.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so the thing that I want, I don't do, and the thing that I, in a sense, hate, I do.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: So have you ever done something that didn't work?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Could be in a relationship, you know, where you you you get angry, you get judgmental, you you you won't forgive, or whatever.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever done something that didn't work, then you did it again?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: All right, this tool I want to talk to you about.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: I believe everything we do serves a purpose, makes sense to us, or we wouldn't do it again.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I've been counseling for almost 40 years.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Gosh, that's weird to say that.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: But um every what helps me not freak out with people is realizing that no matter how illogical or unhealthy or whatever their behavior or cycle they're caught in might be, what I remind myself and what I function from is this simple thought.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: At some level, somewhere, in in their soul, in their brain, in their mind, in their thoughts, what they're doing makes sense to them, or they wouldn't keep doing it.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um and what I've learned is there's a there's a word that I love to use.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: And and I would say it's like I said, it's a tool in my toolbox that I use, and it's the three letters, one word, why?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: W-h-y, why.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, and now here's why I like the word why.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you what the word means.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Why is for what cause, for what reason, for what purpose, for what cause, for what reason, for what purpose.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, the why is what I call an elevator word.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: No matter what you're talking about, like you're you're up here talking about the way you talk to your spouse or the way you parent your children, the way you react in a certain situation, and even you know it's not a good reaction.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what I love to do, it's like we're up here talking about the behavior.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: What I love to do is ask the question, why?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: When I said why is like an elevator question, why drops us down a floor and makes us look at that behavior, you might say, from the bottom up.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like what is inside of me motivating me to me to respond that way.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I love to take a cycle.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: First thought is the response, the thought, the behavior, the feeling makes sense to me somehow, or I wouldn't keep doing it.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: So why takes me down?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now remember, why is the reason, the cause, or the purpose.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: So what I love to do is in your troubling cycle, why makes me start thinking about what's the cause of that behavior?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's where it gets tricky, hard, not complicated.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you can detach, almost like you're looking at yourself from the outside, almost like you're counseling someone else with the same issue.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what you want to ask yourself: what need is that behavior serving?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, remember the word why is what cause, what reason, what purpose.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: So, what you're asking yourself is okay, my wife does this, I react this way.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: I I I made a commitment to eat a certain way, here I am, I'm not.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, let me give you a little sideline thought on that.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Anytime you eat when you're not hungry, it's what I would call emotional eating.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Anytime you eat when you're not hungry, listen now, you're using food to meet a need other than nourishment.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Anytime you eat when you're not hungry, you're using food to meet a need other than nourishment.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now it really fits what we're talking about really well.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I I I've I oscillate.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I do really well eating, then I eat poorly.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: What I've what my wife and I talk about this a lot because we're we just won't give up.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And um, like I, you know, sometimes when I'm trying to eat well and I'm feeling that afternoon sort of almost like a mild depression because I'm not looking forward to what we're gonna eat that night for dinner.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I realize, okay, wait a minute, dude.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: The reason this behavior is problematic is you're using it to meet another need.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're using food to meet my need for entertainment, my need for uh anticipation, my need to have something to look forward to.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um now, we're talking about how to break cycles, we're talking about how to end well, we're talking about how to identify what blocks us from the things that we say we want.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: So, you're caught in a cycle, you use the question of why.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Remember what why means.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: What is the cause driving this behavior?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: What's the reason I do it?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: What's the purpose?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So, the best way I know to do that, why, should lead to this thought.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: What need am I trying to meet?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say uh you have an anger problem.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Anger is always secondary, meaning you felt something else first.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: So let's say when you withdraw affection, it hits my um abandonment fear.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel the fear of abandonment, but I don't want to be vulnerable because that increases my fear.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: If I feel uncovered, unprotected, I feel more fearful.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of you you withdraw a little bit or you feel cold to me, I it hits my my fear of rejection, my fear of abandonment.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: But instead of expressing to you how that makes me feel, what I do is I I put anger out because again, acknowledging the fear, vulnerability, makes me feel more vulnerable, which makes me feel more fearful.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: So what I do is I put anger out there.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then later I'm like, why did I react like that?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Why did I yell like that?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Why did I say things that now I regret?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Well, why?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: What purpose was it serving?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not that complicated.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: It was it was a way to protect myself.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but it pushed away the very thing that I want.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but your soul doesn't work that cleanly.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: What it did was you have this deep-rooted fear of abandonment, probably from earlier in life, and when it's uh pinged, you might say, you being vulnerable, you've experienced it before in other friendships and relationships, being vulnerable, sharing what you're really feeling, brought more rejection and abandonment.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: So now you're like, heck with that, I'm not gonna do that.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: So what you do is you you have this other behavior, anger, that serves the purpose of temporarily making you feel safer when in reality what it's doing is pushing away the very thing that you need and want.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: So as you as you take the question of why, it pulls you down to identify, and and here's something I'm not afraid or to to say to you any cycle you're caught in is basically built around a right need that you're trying to meet the wrong way.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Right need, wrong source, right need, wrong strategy, you might say.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I know I'm over time.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: I get kind of excited talking about all this stuff, and uh love you guys.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: And we'll talk more about this kind of stuff next week, by the way.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Next week or somewhere close by, we are at our one year anniversary, pretty close.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Love you guys and really appreciate you hanging in there with me.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.