Latest / Mental Health and the Mission of the Church / The #1 Relationship Mistake!

Transcript

The #1 Relationship Mistake! · Mental Health and the Mission of the Church

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hey everybody, looking forward to talking to you a little bit today about the number one relationship mistake most of us keep making.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: And um I know that's a pretty big statement, and um it probably uh makes some of you think, wow, that's a pretty bold statement to make.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: But almost 40 years as a counselor, I found it to be uh pretty true.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: And um what we've been talking about lately is kind of in the context of COVID-19, we've been talking about um what what can we take away from this?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: What could we be working on?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: What could we be focusing on as we go through the rest of this year?
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, I would go as far as saying the rest of this life, but um, you know, that that could make the biggest difference, the biggest impact.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I believe what we're gonna talk about and what we've been talking about for the last couple of weeks, in fact, I would encourage you to listen to the last two to three weeks.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: We uh maybe the last four even, I can't remember.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: But um, you know, we've gotten into this whole idea of um, you know, what, you know, all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purpose, meaning that God may not cause all things, but he can use them to produce good.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then the second scripture, that was Romans 8, and then the second scripture we've been talking about is uh Philippians 3.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And Paul talked about this one thing I do, this one thing I do.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I I've been talking about to me, if you ask me what's the one thing I could work on, what's the one area in which I could grow in that would make the biggest difference?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we're talking about right now.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And um, to get us going, again, like I said, please go back and listen to the last couple of weeks.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: But I want you to imagine that this cup represents everything I need.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's the container for everything I need.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to imagine that all of us uh have a cup that is the the receiving zone and the storage zone, the receptacle for everything we need.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: All the love that we need, the encouragement we need, the approval we need, everything we need.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: So when we wake up in the morning, we uh John 4, John 7 talks about thirst.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, you know, most of us know you know being thirsty is an uncomfortable feeling, being hungry.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: And most of us in America would not be able to relate to deep life-threatening thirst and hunger.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: But it's possible that that's what he's talking about, is is a deep life-threatening.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I believe that's what some of what I'm gonna talk about feels like to people.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: When you don't feel loved, when you don't feel like you belong, when you don't feel uh respected and approved and appreciated, um it at the soul level, it is life-threatening, and it causes us to respond in certain ways.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: So, again, I want you to imagine this cup, and this cup is everything I need.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: It goes in here love, appreciation, connection, uh, sense of security, significance, all those things, right?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do most of us wake up in the morning?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: And where do our thoughts go when we think about the gnawing thirst or hunger in our soul for those things that we need?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I would dare say that most of us wake up and we consciously or not, we we kind of go through a checklist of people and things that our relationship to them determines whether our cup feels full or empty.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: So we think about our spouse, if we're married, we think about our parents, we think about our children, we think about our friends, we think about our job and our roles in life, and all of those we're drawing from them to fill our cup.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: In a sense, we turn to our spouse and you know, will you will you love me and put into my cup?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Will you make me feel special and put it into my cup?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Will you make me feel like I matter and my life has some significance and fill my cup?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: And uh we we interact with our friends in a way that what we're saying is would you please contribute to my cup, fill my cup, so that I feel, I don't, so that I don't feel thirsty or hungry.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's the problem.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: They're doing the exact same thing, they're holding their cup up to you, and they want you to fill their cup.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: They want you to deposit it in their cup.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: So here's here's the sad reality.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm running around with about that much water in my cup.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Water meaning my needs.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: My wife Colleen, prior to learning what we're talking about, same deal.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: She's running around with a limited amount of water, if you will, to quench the thirst of her soul for her needs of love, security, significance, etc.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: So, what think about it now.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: I got about this much in mine, she's got about that much in hers, and we turn toward each other to get from each other what we both need.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Well, here's the problem: neither one of us have enough, and neither one of us, because of that, we surely don't have enough to fill the other one's cup.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you've ever heard this little joking kind of humor, uh most marriages are two ticks and no dog.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Two people trying to get from one another what neither one of them has.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: So here we are, uh, and I turn to my friends, I turned to my pastor, I turned to my children, I turn to my parents.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Please fill the cup.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, meet my need for love, meet my need for significance, meet my need for security.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, whoever you run to and rely on to meet those needs.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: A couple of questions.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: With whom do you have to be in good standing for your cup to feel full?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Who has to be like, oh, you're just wonderful?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what standards do you have to meet to feel like you've pleased the people that you rely on to fill your cup?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Are you with me?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I told you we're gonna talk about the number one relationship mistake.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: So here I am, I'm in my 20s, let's say, 30s even, and I want to be married, and here's how I'm thinking.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, one day I'm gonna meet this wonderful person.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: God's gonna send into my life, and they're going to bring into my life this source of love, source of companionship, source of belonging, source of significance, and they're gonna fill my cup.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, here's the problem: they're praying the same thing you are.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're not living from fullness.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, we introduced that phrase last week.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: From full.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: They're not living from fullness, they're living for fullness.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: They're not living from having received what they need, they're living to get what they need.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: So, what's the number one mistake?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: The number one mistake goes all the way back to the first couple of uh books in the Bible, Exodus, Exodus 20, is where we see recorded the Ten Commandments, and don't get freaked out by all that.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: The first one says, You shall have no other gods before me.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Well, let's play with that a little bit.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: You shall have no other blank before me.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: What's before me?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: In front of me, ahead of me.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the problem.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like God's just being arrogant and egotistical.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: You can't ever have anybody in front of me.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Well, let's let's back up and start with the premise that everything God does comes from a place of love.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: What he's saying is if you run to and rely on any other source ahead of me, you're gonna be disappointed.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Not only does it dishonor me, God, but it makes your life pretty hard.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the trick.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Number one relationship make is running to and relying on other people and things, power, pleasure, um, possessions, you know, retail therapy, all these different ways that we medicate our thirst because we're living for fullness, not from fullness.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: So, what's the answer?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm doing marriage talks, I'll say it like this I found the secret to a great marriage.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: The secret to a great marriage is to have an affair.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, of course, have an affair with God.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: So here I am, married to Colleen.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: We both have about that much in our cup.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: And what I learned somewhere back 20-ish years ago is to go over here and have an affair with God.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what he does?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: When I learn how to receive and rest, receive and rest, receive and rest.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: When I learn to look to God, listen to this now.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: First and most, when I learn, process not an event, when I learn to receive and rest, receive ah, rest.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: In the Father's love, my cup starts filling.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it, guess what?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because I learned to go to him first and most, it doesn't leak as much.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: So guess what?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: I start to feel an increased sense of fullness.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, at first it's not consistent, yeah.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: At first it's not totally satisfying, but I I per I persevere.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: I continue to practice receiving and resting in his love, going to God first and most, first and most, first and most for everything I need.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then one day I get past a tipping point where I feel I still have some needs, but they're so much more manageable, there's so much less torturing and tormenting, and I don't need to medicate with using people and things to fill up the gap in my thirst.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Guess what?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: My wife goes and has an affair with God, and she learns how to receive and rest, how to go to God first and most.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: And what happens is we move back toward each other from fullness.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now we've got this much in our cup.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Guess what?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now I can invest in you, you can invest in me, and we can be mutually nourishing of one another without depriving ourselves of what we need.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's an antidote to all kinds of dangerous, destructive behavioral cycles that we get caught in.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: And not just relational behavioral cycles with other people, which that is monstrously big and powerful, what it does there.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: But even with things, even our relationship to food and pleasure, power, all kinds of things change when we get God in the right place and we learn how to receive and rest in his love.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: And we learn to go to him first and most when we're hurt, when we're tired, when we're mad, when we're sad.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean this in some religious obligatory way.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: I mean because he's the nicest, kindest, most available, accepting, welcoming, encouraging, loving person you're ever gonna meet in your life.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what if you said to yourself, this one thing I do?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to learn how to go to God first and most for everything, virtually everything I need.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna learn how to receive and rest in his love for me.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: And in the process, boy, are you gonna do two things.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna let some other people off the hook for a job they can't succeed at, and you're gonna live with a higher degree of power.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: And what I mean by power is not like power over people and things, but power over your own internal reality.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Joy, peace.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Alright.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Love you guys.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Look forward to talking to you next week.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.