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S3E34 - Parent Companion for Play Therapy: Why Kids Melt Down (And What It Actually Means) · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  we are continuing with the Parent Companion series,
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  and we're going to talk about something
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  that I think is going to hopefully provide some perspective on
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  children's behavior,
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  childhood,
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  consistent scenario.
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  One of the things that is very difficult for us to understand as adults
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  is,
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  quote,
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  why
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  the child acts the way they do.
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  Why are you screaming?
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  Why are you crying?
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  Why are you yelling?
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  Why are you kicking your brother?
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  Why are you throwing things?
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  Why are you biting?
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  Why are you?
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  And
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  what I think we fail to remember and understand
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  is what it was like to be a child
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  who operates exclusively out of emotions.
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  And is solely a here and now being.
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  And when they experience something,
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  they don't have the verbal capacity
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  nor the cognitive capacity
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  to make sense of it.
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  So they're going to demonstrate what's going on for them.
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  And
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  it's one of the most helpful things that we can do as adults.
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  is to recognize that behavior
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  is communication.
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  And it's demonstrating
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  where the child is.
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  So I'd like to talk about how when a child does not have an emotional vocabulary.
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  They will show you.
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  How they're feeling.
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  And often their attempt at showing you.
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  is maladaptive
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  because it's
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  over the top
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  and it's driven by their big feelings
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  and so they have to in a very big way,
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  let you know what's going on.
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  So let's start with the premise that kids aren't rational.
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  We talk about that a lot.
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  They're not cognitive.
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  They're not verbal.
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  So we have all of these
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  precursors.
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  To the state in which we find ourselves,
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  which is
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  Your kid does something randomly
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  and you go,
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  why did you do that?
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  What were you thinking?
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  You know better.
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  We have all of these cognitive responses.
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  And if we actually ask those questions,
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  which many of us do,
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  if we ask our children those questions,
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  they go,
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  I don't know.
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  Or they shrug or they stare blankly back at you,
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  which ticks us off even more
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  because it's like,
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  I want an answer.
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  But that's adulthood bias.
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  Here we are back to that.
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  Because
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  we're expecting our kids to be verbal.
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  They're not.
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  We want them to tell us
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  they can't.
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  We expect them to be rational.
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  They're not.
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  Tell me why.
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  Know why you did that,
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  they can't.
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  We expect them to be cognitive.
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  What were you thinking they weren't.
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  And so this adulthood bias completely overrides our ability to recognize
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  if a child does not have an emotional vocabulary,
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  which by the way,
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  we've talked about this,
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  but it's worth reiterating,
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  they're not born with an emotional vocabulary,
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  none of us are.
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  There are so many adults in this world that do not possess
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  an effective emotional vocabulary.
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  You can go your whole life without one.
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  That's sad but true.
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  So
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  a child that has not yet built an emotional vocabulary.
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  Is not going to be able
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  to get their needs met in any other way
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  than behaviorally
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  and emotionally.
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  And often what that means is
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  you get kids that
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  are
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  solely experiential,
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  solely emotional.
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  And they have no way to make sense of what's going on,
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  nor to communicate it.
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  So
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  out comes the behavior.
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  So you get tantrums
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  and flailing
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  and wallowing and crying and screaming and all of these things,
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  which makes no sense to us whatsoever.
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  Because
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  most of us,
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  hopefully by the time we're an adult,
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  we don't respond in situations that way,
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  at least not in public.
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  Maybe,
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  maybe we save that for when we're home alone.
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  But we have this notion that
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  you need to figure this out and stop this crap and get your stuff together.
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  We're asking.
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  Things of kids that they're not capable of.
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  So,
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  emotional vocabulary
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  is one of those things where it's built,
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  it's practiced,
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  it's learned.
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  And it affords children the opportunity to
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  get their needs met in more self-enhancing,
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  effective ways.
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  So let's walk through a scenario.
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  You are in
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  Publix.
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  For those of you that do not live in the Southeast,
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  that's a grocery store in the Southeast.
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  It's actually headquartered in Lakeland,
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  which is quite close to where I live.
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  So we,
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  we are a Publix hub down here.
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  But just imagine yourself in any kind of grocery
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  store or supermarket for those of you international people.
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  OK,
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  so you're in a grocery store supermarket,
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  and it's so fascinating.
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  I mean,
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  not in a surprising way,
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  in a like,
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  wow,
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  you're really clever way.
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  So fascinating that they have all kinds of candy and toys
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  and little trinkets right by where the checkout lines are.
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  So you get ready to check out and your child is with you and they see
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  the thing that they have to have
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  the candy bar,
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  the gummies,
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  the little Matchbox car,
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  the Hot Wheels car,
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  the little
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  fidget,
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  the whatever.
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  The gum,
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  that that's a big hit.
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  Can I please have gum?
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  All right,
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  so
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  there's this need to have this.
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  And we say no.
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  You haven't eaten dinner yet.
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  We didn't come here to buy toys.
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  You have toys at home.
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  I'm gonna give you a snack in the car.
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  We have a rational,
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  logical,
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  reasonable
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  reason
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  for saying no.
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  A child
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  experiences devastation.
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  Emotionally,
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  experientially,
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  I have to have this thing right now.
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  And you've told me no,
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  and I can't handle that.
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  I can't think about your reasons why.
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  I can't even listen to your explanation.
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  All I know is that I really,
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  really want that candy bar and you've told me no and
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  I don't know what to do with these big feelings.
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  They're emotional experiential beings,
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  folks.
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  So
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  they're going to lose it unless they have an emotional vocabulary.
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  So what happens is,
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  They start whining,
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  crying,
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  screaming,
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  throwing themselves on the floor,
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  kicking their legs in the little
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  spot where the kids sit in the cart.
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  Their legs are going back and forth sticking out of that those little holes.
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  There's all this stuff going on,
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  and we're embarrassed and we're like,
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  knock it off and stop it.
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  And then they get more upset because now we're angry.
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  So now it's escalating.
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  You're getting escalated,
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  the child's getting escalated.
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  Does this sound familiar to y'all?
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  That this is universal.
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  This is not a shot.
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  If this is your life,
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  you should just be like,
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  wow,
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  me and everyone else in the world.
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  OK,
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  so what we've just gone through,
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  walked ourselves through like visualizing.
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  Is a child's
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  perspective.
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  On an emotional moment
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  without an emotional vocabulary.
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  Because
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  if you don't know what these big feelings are.
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  Their bodies is telling them
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  there's all kinds of stuff going on for them.
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  Somatically,
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  fancy word for your body
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  demonstrates the emotion that you're feeling.
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  So you get a pit in your stomach,
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  you get a lump in your throat,
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  you get sweaty palms,
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  your hands shake,
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  your heart races,
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  you get butterflies in your stomach,
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  all,
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  all those are somatic.
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  So we have all of these things going on inside of us when we feel big feelings.
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  So do kids.
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  So there's all this stuff going on.
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  There's adrenaline,
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  there's dopamine,
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  there's cortisol,
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  chemically,
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  there's even stuff going on.
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  OK,
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  so the child's feeling all this stuff but has no clue what it is.
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  It's just uncomfortable for them.
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  And they don't know any other way to show you
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  how uncomfortable
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  they are.
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  Except emotionally and behaviorally.
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  Now,
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  let's flip the script here.
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  Same exact scenario.
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  Kid wants the candy bar.
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  You say no.
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  Child with an emotional vocabulary.
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  Child with self-regulation.
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  Experiences all those same things.
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  But recognizes what they're feeling.
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  My mom makes me so mad.
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  My dad is so mean he never lets me have the things that I want.
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  I'm angry right now.
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  I'm frustrated.
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  I'm disappointed.
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  They recognize what's going on.
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  They identify the feeling.
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  And they can communicate it verbally.
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  Y'all be real careful
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  when your kid says
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  you're the meanest mom ever.
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  I want that candy bar,
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  and you said,
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  no,
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  you're so mean.
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  That is a win all day long.
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  That that was your child's reaction to that?
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  Because
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  there is so much that had to go into that moment.
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  Your child had to experience and and feel that.
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  Then they had to recognize what they were feeling.
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  They had to be able to identify what they were feeling,
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  and then they had to be able to verbalize it so they could get their needs met.
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  And you want to know what often happens
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  when a kid says something like that,
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  they get in trouble for saying those things.
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  Now,
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  I'm not saying
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  that
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  it's an appropriate thing to say you're so mean to your mother when you're 8 years old
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  or 4 years old or whatever.
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  I'm not saying that's appropriate.
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  So sometimes we have to set limits on behavior.
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  However,
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  that's a win
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  because the alternative is they throw themselves on the floor
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  and they kick and they scream and they spit and they cry,
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  and then you end up giving them the candy bar to
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  save the embarrassment of everyone in the whole store staring at you
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  going,
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  What the heck kind of mother are you?
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  That's never what they're thinking,
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  by the way.
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  That's what we think they're thinking.
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  But
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  people are never looking at you going,
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  wow,
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  you are the worst parent ever.
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  They're going,
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  oh yeah,
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  I've been there.
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  Yep,
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  that's rough.
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  Yeah,
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  I remember when my kid that,
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  oh yeah,
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  mine did that last week actually.
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  Oh,
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  I know exactly how that person feels.
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  wow,
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  that's terrible.
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  That's,
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  that's what's going on because every single one of us have gone through it.
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  Universal behavior,
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  y'all.
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  Until they have emotional vocabulary.
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  So when a child says,
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  you're so mean,
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  you never give me anything.
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  We reflect that content.
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  Oh,
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  you think I'm mean because I said no to the candy bar.
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  We should not be offended when a child is able to verbally express how they feel.
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  Kids aren't verbal beings,
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  and guess what?
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  When we're not practiced at something.
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  We're usually not very good at it.
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  So,
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  when you haven't practiced finesse of speaking,
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  when you haven't practiced finesse of expressing your needs and your feelings,
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  when you haven't practiced the ability to
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  think and then say something appropriate,
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  it's going to be a little bit abrasive.
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  It's going to be a little bit harsh.
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  Sometimes it's probably going to have a little bit of an edge to it.
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  This isn't
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  easy for them.
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  This isn't comfortable for them.
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  They'll figure it out.
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  You think I'm mean right now.
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  There's nothing wrong with your child thinking you're mean.
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  Do you not think your kid is mean sometimes?
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  I'm sure you do.
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  It's OK to think that,
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  it's OK to feel that.
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  But your child is expressing themselves appropriately and accurately
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  and verbally of all things.
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  So we kind of have to see this from a very,
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  very different perspective because again,
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  adulthood bias gets in our way.
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  So once a child has emotional vocabulary and they communicate and they regulate
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  and they understand what they're feeling,
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  They don't have to show you everything anymore.
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  They can
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  Number one,
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  control themselves more appropriately.
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  2,
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  they can communicate more appropriately.
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  This is the beauty of emotional vocabulary.
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  So everyone always says,
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  how do I get my kids to stop having tantrums?
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  And almost always the recommendation is discipline in consequence for tantrums.
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  Nope.
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  Emotional vocabulary.
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  Your child doesn't need to have tantrums
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  if they know how they feel and they can communicate how they feel.
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  Emotional vocabulary is the key.
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  And that's why CCPT
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  focuses so much on the child's expression of
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  feelings and reflects them back to them.
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  So that they build emotional vocabulary,
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  that is the
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  hinchpin of self-control.
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  How many adults do you know that do not have an emotional vocabulary
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  and they don't control themselves well whatsoever?
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  Adults that haven't mastered it struggle in the same way.
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  They just don't throw themselves on the floor in the grocery store.
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  But they
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  Negatively express their feelings in all kinds of other ways.
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  So the goal
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  for children and their ability to regulate
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  is emotional vocabulary.
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  So work on reflecting your children's feelings.
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  When they express
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  an emotion,
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  say it back to them.
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  If you're not familiar with the reflecting feeling skill,
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  go back and listen to that episode.
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  Actually,
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  there's a lot of episodes in season 1 and 2
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  as well about reflecting feelings.
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  Practice that skill
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  because the more you help the child understand how they're feeling.
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  The more they're able to self-control.
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  So I hope that that's helpful for you all.
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  I hope that you're able to work on reflecting feelings with your kids.
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  And if you've already been doing it,
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  I hope that you're seeing the evidence of it.
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  It's always a really exciting thing when your child looks at you and says,
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  I'm
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  emotion.
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  You know that you've poured into their emotional vocabulary,
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  and then you see evidence of it.
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  Those are very special moments.
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  So I hope that that is encouraging to you.
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  I love y'all.
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  Have a great week.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
• 14:46
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and to subscribe to our newsletter,
• 14:54
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.