Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S2E48 - Rethinking School for Anxious Kids: What Parents Should Know

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S2E48 - Rethinking School for Anxious Kids: What Parents Should Know · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 0:09
  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
• 0:14
  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  I am answering a question from Caitlin,
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  and Caitlin is asking about her child struggling with going to school
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  and potentially considering changing the school
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  environment and or the school process
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  and wanting some insights and thoughts on that.
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  So Caitlin,
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  first,
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  thank you so much for the question.
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  And I've gotten quite a few
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  inquiries and questions about schools and whether it's the fit for the child,
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  whether they need to have other considerations,
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  so.
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  This is obviously a very common consideration.
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  A lot of my parents at the center,
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  when I'm actively working with their children ask
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  us these types of questions as well,
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  whether or not it should be home school or charter school or a specialty school.
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  So I'm really happy that we can process this together.
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  So thank you,
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  Caitlin.
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  So let me read parts of her email and then we'll dive in together.
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  Hi,
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  I'm a relatively new listener,
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  but I'm already loving your podcast.
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  I'm so glad.
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  Welcome,
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  by the way.
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  By the way,
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  if you are a relatively new listener to the play therapy parenting family,
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  we are so glad you're here
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  and very much excited to have you.
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  This is
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  a community of people that care deeply about kids
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  and so you're here because that's true of you,
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  I'm sure,
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  and we're very grateful that you found us and
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  we're grateful that we hang out together each week.
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  OK,
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  so continuing with the email.
• 1:39
  I have a 9 year old boy who is anxious,
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  has had school refusal for 3 years,
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  and I believe he may have some learning disabilities.
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  I have him scheduled for an evaluation for learning disabilities.
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  Let me pause there.
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  I think it is so important.
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  I'm actually very anti-diagnosis.
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  I'm very anti-medication.
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  I'm very anti-labels,
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  and
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  I have a lot of reasons for that.
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  The main ones are that goes on a permanent mental health record
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  and when a child is 3 or 4 years old and they're struggling with anxiety,
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  for example,
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  they get diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
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  At 18 years old,
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  that record follows them.
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  They go to enlist in the military,
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  they go to enroll in a college.
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  They want security clearance for their job,
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  whatever the scenario is,
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  and someone can see that they were diagnosed when they were a child with anxiety
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  or whatever the the the diagnosis was.
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  And I just think that we need to be really protective of kids and their records,
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  so that's the main one.
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  There's all kinds of other reasons,
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  but
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  if you have questions about that,
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  please email me.
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  I would love to chat with you about that.
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  I'm really passionate about protecting the records of mental health for children,
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  so email me if you want to process that more,
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  but.
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  In contrast to my anti-diagnosis bent,
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  I'm actually very much supportive of
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  having children evaluated for learning disabilities.
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  When a child is struggling in school
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  and there is a reason for it because sometimes it's emotional and that gets
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  sorted out with therapy sometimes it's behavioral
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  and that gets sorted out with therapy
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  but if there is actually a learning disorder
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  and it can be diagnosed,
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  maybe it's working memory,
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  maybe it's processing,
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  maybe it's.
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  Some other kind of issue when dyslexia,
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  dyscalcula,
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  all kinds of options.
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  If that is at the heart of why a child is struggling,
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  the child feels different,
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  the child feels ill equipped,
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  the child usually ends up feeling dumb.
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  And they start to internalize all kinds of very negative messages.
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  Their,
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  their internal dialogue turns so toxic,
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  and they start saying there's something wrong with me and
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  I'm stupid and I'm an idiot and I can't do this
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  and I'm a moron and I have no idea what I'm doing
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  and none of those things are true,
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  but that's the way they fill in the gaps when they don't have accurate information.
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  And all it takes is having them told,
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  your brain just mixes up numbers when you look at them,
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  so that's why it's so hard for you to do math.
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  Now all of a sudden the why changes
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  everything because math doesn't necessarily get easier,
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  but now there are accommodations at school.
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  Now there is a plan to make sure that the child has
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  everything set up for success to the best of their ability,
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  and the child knows that there's a reason
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  for why they're struggling in math.
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  It's not that they're stupid.
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  And so I'm actually very much a proponent of getting evaluations
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  for learning disabilities and if it comes back that no,
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  there is no learning disability that also is valuable
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  because then there's no concern there's no wondering,
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  there's no lack of clarity we know for sure that there is not
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  something more going on so therefore now we're gonna take a different path.
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  So Caitlin,
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  I'm actually very happy to hear that you're pursuing that,
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  and that will give you some clarity moving forward
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  regardless of how that ends up.
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  OK,
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  so let me continue reading the email now.
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  He dreads school every morning is a fight full of tears,
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  throwing himself on the floor,
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  refusing to get dressed,
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  stomach aches,
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  and at time hitting himself.
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  This has been going on for a couple of years.
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  He is currently in a public school,
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  starts 5th grade in August,
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  which it is officially August,
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  so I'm sure that's very soon.
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  We are considering a switch in school environments.
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  Would switching to a charter school be helpful?
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  The school would have in-person classes two days a
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  week and the rest would be done at home.
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  We were thinking it would relieve some pressure,
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  allow him to get caught up,
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  and also leave time for tutoring or other appointments he may need.
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  I'd love your thoughts on changing school environments for anxious kids.
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  OK,
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  so
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  a lot to unpack here,
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  so let's take these one at a time.
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  First and foremost,
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  when you have a highly anxious child,
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  and I'm not sure you didn't indicate whether or not Caitlin,
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  he's in therapy.
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  If he's not,
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  I highly recommend play therapy,
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  specifically child-centered play therapy.
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  If you would like some referrals to
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  child-centered play therapists that I can personally vouch for,
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  I'd be happy to do that.
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  Shoot me another email.
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  I think that generally speaking when a child is highly anxious,
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  they need to reduce their anxiety through therapeutic work
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  they need to build resilience and coping
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  through therapeutic work
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  they need to build an emotional vocabulary
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  so that their big feelings don't feel so confusing.
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  They're actually are able to recognize what they're feeling
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  and communicate them so their needs can get met.
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  There's a lot that goes,
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  obviously an increase in self-esteem would also
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  help with anxiety because you trust yourself,
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  you believe in yourself,
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  you know that you're capable,
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  you don't feel as anxious.
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  So there's all kinds of layers to what therapy would do,
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  and that's why we highly advocate for
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  child-centered play therapy for anxious children.
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  I mean,
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  for all kinds of other reasons too,
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  but you're,
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  you're talking about your anxious son.
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  So here's my concern with your last
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  comment.
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  I'd love your thoughts on changing school environments for an anxious child,
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  OK.
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  What we fight against a lot as therapists
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  is parents who are very quick
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  to say,
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  well,
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  if this is a big concern for my child,
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  if this is making my child really anxious,
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  if this is overwhelming for my child,
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  I'll just remove
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  that environment or that scenario and then they won't have to be so scared.
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  That actually reinforces the anxiety.
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  Because by not having to face it,
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  by not having to work through it,
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  by not having to conquer it.
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  And by getting rescued by just having it removed,
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  they can avoid
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  their fear
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  and anxiety manifests on itself
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  when you can just constantly avoid,
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  avoid,
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  avoid,
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  avoid.
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  So we talk to parents a lot
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  about
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  we can't rescue a child by just removing what is stressful for them.
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  We can't rescue them from just taking them out of that anxious environment.
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  And I'm not saying that that's your implication.
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  I just wanted to make that clear because I don't want this to come off as,
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  sure,
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  just pull your kid if the environment's making them anxious.
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  That's not at all what I think is helpful,
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  and we would never advocate that as child-centered play therapists.
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  What we do advocate though
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  is
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  knowing your child.
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  Meeting your child where they are
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  and being open to exploring better fits.
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  Not every child
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  is a fit for traditional public schooling.
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  Not every child is a traditional fit
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  for that teacher,
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  that school,
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  that classroom.
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  It might not even be that the school in and of itself is an issue.
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  Maybe it's a relational fracture with the teacher.
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  Maybe it's he's been branded
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  as the kid that won't go to class and so it's now a social construct
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  that he's trying to avoid.
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  Maybe it's the fact that he feels labeled as the kid
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  that doesn't come and then can't do anything when he's there.
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  There can be all kinds of other components to why he's avoiding it.
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  It could be classroom specific,
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  it could be teacher specific,
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  it could be that school specific.
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  Maybe another public school
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  would be a much better fit for him.
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  Maybe home school would be a better fit for him.
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  Maybe a charter school would be a better fit for him.
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  Maybe a private school would be a better fit for him.
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  We always advocate that you understand what your child's needs are
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  and you make accommodations based on where is this child
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  likely to be set up for the most success?
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  Where is this child likely to thrive?
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  There are all different kinds of learners.
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  There are all different kinds of personalities of children.
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  There are all different kinds of emotional and behavioral and relational needs
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  in different kids.
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  So
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  the standard process is not necessarily the fit for every kid.
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  And I think it's actually really wise and helpful,
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  Caitlin,
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  that you're considering this because it seems as though he is really struggling.
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  Now,
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  you mentioned somatic symptoms,
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  he gets stomach aches,
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  that's absolutely somatic fancy word for his emotions
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  are so big that he's feeling it physically.
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  He's throwing himself on the floor,
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  refusing to get dressed.
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  He's fighting,
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  he's crying.
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  That's big feelings
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  being expressed to show you how much he's dreading it.
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  Now is it just anxiety?
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  Is it created by a whole bunch of other scenarios?
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  Is it micro experiences all strung together?
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  Is it fear of failure?
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  Is it,
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  I mean,
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  there's so many options,
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  but starting 5th grade,
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  that's your final year of elementary school in most
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  schools.
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  So he has one final year in elementary school
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  before he has to make the transition to middle school
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  and middle school is a whole different animal,
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  whole different ball game.
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  So many kids struggle to adjust to middle school
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  because it's just,
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  it's so different.
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  So he has one
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  last year of predictable schooling
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  if he stays where he is,
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  but it's also a helpful time to transition because I don't
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  think you would want to transition him before middle school.
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  So that's another factor to keep in mind the timing of making a change like this,
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  is this the most appropriate time because
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  change into middle school is hard enough making another change on top of that,
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  we try to minimize change if at all possible.
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  So changing one thing would be more ideal than changing several.
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  You mentioned a charter school.
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  Our son was in a charter school for quite a few years.
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  Charter schools are run
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  very similarly to private schools,
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  but they are in fact considered public,
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  so you kind of get a blend of both of a public
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  school that actually is run and functions more like a private school,
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  and usually charter schools have specific focal points.
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  So it's either
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  art or it's STEM,
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  or it's music,
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  or it's
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  some other kind of focus.
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  So charter schools can be really appropriate for kids that really have a passion.
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  You know,
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  if your kid absolutely loves.
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  The arts
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  and you can find an art-based charter school that might really
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  engage your son in a way that traditional public school didn't.
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  So I would absolutely look into charter schools because
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  I think that that might make more sense,
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  especially since it seems like it's a hybrid
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  of kind of in person and then at home.
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  Homeschooling is another option.
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  We switched to homeschooling our son when he was in 6th grade,
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  and it is by far the best decision we've ever made as a family.
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  We consistently and regularly,
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  all three of us,
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  my son,
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  my husband and myself,
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  we all talk about
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  how grateful we are that we are a homeschooling family,
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  how it has made our lives so much better in so many ways.
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  It is not nearly as hard as everyone thinks.
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  I've had so many people say,
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  oh,
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  I wish that we could homeschool.
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  You can.
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  It is not difficult.
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  We had no idea about homeschooling until we made the decision to home school
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  and we leapt in and we were mid-year.
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  It was during Christmas break that we made the switch.
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  We were not prepared.
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  We had no idea what to do
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  and we talked to some homeschooling families and they said,
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  look into this,
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  look into this,
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  look into this,
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  and we were doing it within a couple of weeks.
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  It is not as hard as you think.
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  Many children
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  function and operate so much more healthily and.
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  Happily
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  in a homeschooling environment,
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  so that's another option and a lot of homeschooling families do co ops
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  where you do some at home and some with other kids and you go on field trips and
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  you do science experiments together and so it becomes
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  more of a collective collaborative schooling instead of just
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  home by yourself.
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  So there's all kinds of options,
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  Caitlin.
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  What I'm trying to point out is your son
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  is obviously struggling and has been for 3 years.
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  So something is not working.
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  Could it merely be
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  that he has an undiagnosed learning disorder or two,
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  and that is at the heart of all of it,
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  and when that gets addressed,
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  maybe he won't have such an aversion to school,
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  won't have so many high levels of anxiety.
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  We need to kinda wait that out and see what happens,
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  but regardless,
• 13:36
  there are other schooling options
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  for an anxious kid,
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  let me wrap this up by saying this
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  for an anxious child,
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  any change that you make,
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  even if you say,
• 13:46
  OK,
• 13:47
  I'm going to switch to a charter school,
• 13:49
  I'm going to switch to home school,
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  whatever the changes,
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  he needs plenty of time to prepare,
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  he needs plenty of time to think through it,
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  ask questions,
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  emotionally process it,
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  feel ready.
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  Anxious kids like predictability.
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  They like stability.
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  They do not like change.
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  They do not like surprise.
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  It would be very helpful to him
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  to know far in advance,
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  to understand what's to come,
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  to give him as many expectations as you can,
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  walk him through what it will look like.
• 14:20
  It's going to be very important for him
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  to feel like he knows what's coming.
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  Because anxiety is oh no oh no oh no
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  and we're going to try to equip him with as much information
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  so that even if he's a little bit unsure of it,
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  it's not
• 14:37
  fear inducing.
• 14:38
  So make sure if you make a decision,
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  you give him ample time to process,
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  you let him know far in advance
• 14:45
  and it kind of becomes a process of discussion that he can work through.
• 14:49
  All right,
• 14:50
  Caitlin,
• 14:50
  thank you so much for the question.
• 14:51
  I hope that is helpful to more than just Caitlin.
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  I know many of you are dealing with very similar struggles
• 14:58
  and if you have questions about homeschooling,
• 15:00
  if you have questions about charter schools,
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  I have experience with both.
• 15:03
  Actually my son was in Montessori school before that and I was Montessori educated.
• 15:07
  So if you have questions about schooling in general,
• 15:10
  even if it's not for the podcast,
• 15:11
  if you just want to chat with me,
• 15:13
  please email me brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
• 15:15
  I'd be happy to share our experience and my thoughts on that.
• 15:20
  Thank you for the emails,
• 15:21
  keep them coming.
• 15:21
  I,
• 15:22
  I'm we're trying to work through your questions as quickly as possible,
• 15:25
  and I really greatly appreciate your investment in your kids.
• 15:29
  I really enjoy spending time with y'all each week.
• 15:31
  We'll talk again soon.
• 15:32
  Bye.
• 15:33
  Thank you for listening to
• 15:34
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 15:38
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 15:41
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.