Latest / Bearded And Crunchy / Episode 5: The Grief Episode

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Episode 5: The Grief Episode · Bearded And Crunchy

• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Folks, this is a disclaimer.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is gonna be a heavy episode as we're gonna talk about grief and loss.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: So if this is something that you don't think you can handle or want to listen to, now is your time to head off.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_02: From Goodyear Heights to anyone out there dealing with grief.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: We welcome you back to Bearded and Crunchy.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: As always, guys, thanks for listening.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, we super, super appreciate uh all you guys taking time out of your day to listen to us.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Uh we're we're definitely getting more numbers than we thought.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: But um this episode's gonna be a different episode, but we felt it was necessary.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, this episode we're gonna talk about grief and loss and and everything in between, just because it it's been a very um what's the word I'm thinking of?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um we personally didn't bring it on ourselves, but it's things that we've had to deal with, unfortunately, a lot of ages than most people so bear yourselves, guys.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is gonna be a heavy episode, but we we feel it's necessary because yes, there's a lot of people out there struggling, they don't know how to handle grief, and we've been there, and we just you know feel it's a topic that we need to talk to and let people know that like hey, you're not alone.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_03: And it's always been a tough one to deal with.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_03: I've experienced a lot of personal loss in my life.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_03: In fact, just recently, and you know, because you met him a couple times, such a good man.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_03: And it got me thinking about just grief in general and how we've kind of dealt with it over the years.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_03: And I always I think we always kind of start the episodes with a question, so we're gonna continue on and do the same here.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, but Eric, what was some of the earliest things you can remember, or maybe just even the first time in your life you ever experienced true loss or grief?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Or uh I wish I wish I could say I was older, but I wasn't.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, uh unfortunately uh death and and and loss uh has not went without consistency in my life.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um just to kind of revamp, um I never knew my dad's dad.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: He actually died when my dad was 11.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: No kidding.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, um, but um I don't have memories of this.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but the first one that I do remember, I remember like the the picnics we would get together to remember him.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: But my uncle passed away, and I believe it was 1985.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and he was a real big part of the family.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: So uh he passed away then.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but it wasn't um if we're gonna talk about a time frame, I had some deaths in between that, but the one that really affected me was my grandma on my dad's side, um, because I was seven, she died in '98.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was 17.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Man.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And uh the worst part was is like my uh my dad had to find her.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, that was that was rough.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And and and I knew something was wrong because I was out hanging with Jermaine and I'd come home, and my dad never went anywhere.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And as soon as I got in the house, for some strange reason, the only thing I did was I looked at my mom and I was like, Where's dad?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, Sit down.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, No, where's dad?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on here?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then she told me, and I had my license at the time, and I was like, I gotta go be with him.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, No, you need to stay here.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I kind of stood my ground.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, no, I need to go.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, that was the one that I would say I can go back to and really start to understand the emotional aspect of it.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: But I did have losses before that.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: But what was what was the one that kind of set it off for you that like made you go, oh shit?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_03: My grandmother got diagnosed with cancer in 1995.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_03: So I'd have been 12 and a half years old by the time she got diagnosed.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_03: And it just kind of went downhill from there, unfortunately.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_03: She was diagnosed stage four.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_03: We went down to Florida for a family vacation.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_03: It was a bunch of us.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_03: Grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, their kids, me, my sister, my mom and dad.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_03: I think my aunt and uncle came up from Houston.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_03: And the doctor was just basically like to my grandma, like, hey, just go.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_03: You're you don't have much time.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_03: So we were down there, and I was 13 at that time while we were down there.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_03: She ended up having a massive stroke uh one morning, was in the hospital down there.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_03: They ended up life flighting her back up here to what was then Colgo Falls General.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's what Western Reserve now.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's not even part of the Yeah.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_03: But then she was in the hospital for I want to say like a week because this is so long ago now.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_03: I mean 1996.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_03: But yeah, just watched her decline, and then the day she passed, me and my sister were at home with my dad.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_03: My mom was at the hospital, and my dad almost the same thing.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, sit down, got something to say.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_03: And that's when we were broke, you know, the news of that happening.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_03: So that was my first real taste of anything like that.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_03: And it as at 13, you don't truly, I think, know how to really process that.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, it sucked for sure.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I at 17 I couldn't, but again, we we've talked about this before.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: We weren't really brought up with parents that like really showed us how to deal with emotions.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like that just wasn't something that was prevalent for them to teach us, so we didn't, you know, again, you know, like with you, like that was, you know, I mean, I I actually put out a list like this all well, I'll I'll go into it later because we're gonna talk about the deaths that truly changed us as humans.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I'm gonna I'm gonna go into something real quick.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um something you didn't know, and I wanted to talk about this because it is something that's very recent.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Someone we went to school with that we know, um, I'm and I did reach out with them and get them okay to okay to talk about this, but I'm not gonna mention names just because, but um, unfortunately, uh they they lost their son to suicide.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, man.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And just real quick, guys, um, we we put a um uh post scroll at the end of this uh every video to to talk about that, guys.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you're struggling and you don't think people care, just reach out, man.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of people that do.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of people that do.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Anybody.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it doesn't matter who.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you'd be surprised at how many people have been in your shoes.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um because we want we want you here.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we don't want if nobody else knows if you think nobody else does, me and Bob want you.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: We want you here.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're you trust me.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: You may not think it, but you're gonna do a lot more damage by doing what you think you're gonna do than you know what I mean.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: So, but back to what I was saying, unfortunately, um that that kind of hit home.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um me and Rihanna went to the to the show, and we couldn't stay long because you know I'm not gonna be it was hard for us to be able to walk up to a casket.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: A teenager um yeah, I I I feel for them because I I would not want to know um what it's like to have to to bury a child.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but that goes into quick story.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm living in Canton, it's 2005, and you know, and a lot of people listening know, like I didn't have the closest relationship with brothers and sisters.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: I went years without talking to them.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm living in Canton, and uh Jermaine calls me randomly out of nowhere and was like, hey man, I was just kind of wondering, like, I was gonna come shoot out your way and hang out.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now he had only been to this apartment that I lived at like once.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: I typically went back to Akron and hung out with them.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And he comes over, we're chilling, and my phone rings.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a 931 number.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's Florida.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, Florida.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Pick it up, and it's my sister.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, she's crying, and she's like, Eric, this is Dawn.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: And like, I just froze because I'm like, huh?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: And she said that my brother uh was gone.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Uh she said she tried to out.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she said she tried to get hold.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now, mind you, like she had recently talked to my mom, but it had been a like a couple of years since the last time they had talked.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: And she couldn't get a hold of my mom.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And uh so uh I said, okay.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: I said, you're gonna have to give me a minute.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I can't call them.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't something I can call.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna have to go over there.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And they were living in Stowe and I was in Canton.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_03: Whoo! And that's a long drive to have a lot of fun.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Blessed no, bless your main soul.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, I'll drive you.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, nice.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't miss a beat.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Great.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to drive up, it's 11 o'clock at night, and and tell my mom that her son was gone.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Bro, uh, that was that was one of the hardest things I had to do.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yes, dealing, excuse me, was with with with grief and loss, and you know, not necessarily even death, but just loss of someone or something and a breakup or whatever, any kind of grief.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: But having to tell my mom that uh was was hard.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um but now I I'm gonna go into a little speculation.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: So my brother had really, really, really bad like heartburn and stomach issues.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I mean really bad.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: To the point where like he couldn't eat anything out of like salt and pepper.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like it would just man, like it could cause him to have like reflux in his sleep, and like it was bad.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Well, apparently he had ate some Mexican, which he never does, and then took a bunch of pills.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: And now I'm I'm going on what I remember my sister telling me.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's been very long.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: So it wasn't ruled um a suicide, but the belief between my sister and my mom, and with everything I heard, I believed the same.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I'll give you some facts of reasons why um he he was gay, and we had different dads, but the same mom.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: And his dad would call him the F-word to his face.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was one of those situations, and I just think he he had just had enough.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so yeah, so I've had to deal with that too.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I I just wanted to take a quick segment because you know, yes, we all do lose people, but you know, we're gonna talk about the losses that affected us, but I I couldn't imagine having to do that.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's just not the normal law of nature, right?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the order of it's just not the way it's supposed to go.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I just I for all of you listening that have, um you you you have my thoughts.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm not much of a prayer, but my heart bleeds like the rest of us for you.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: So um, yeah, I just wanted to I just kind of wanted to touch on that because I do think, you know, because it doesn't happen as often, it gets washed or you know, swept under the rug when it talks about grief.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_02: So yeah, 100%.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, heavy.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's gonna it's definitely a different tone compared to everything that we've done so far.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and and real quick, another thing.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I I do also want to talk about another one.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I do have a cousin, first cousin, um, his daughter.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh she unfortunately she passed away from an overdose.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so like I've known a few people that have lost children, and I just wanted to make sure that they know that, you know, they're in our hearts and and you know, thoughts and and prayers if you pray.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, and you know, this is actually I think a good segue and for for you to to bring up.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um another thing that I think is lost and forgotten, and people tend to think, you know, it's not a big of a deal, but I know Bob and I both disagree, so well, you know that I'm an animal lover.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_03: I currently have two dogs.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_03: You have two puppies.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: As I and I love them dearly.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And one is bastards.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, one is uh one is a senior puppy.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_03: And unfortunately, as we all have to deal with and as a pet owner, but I'm gonna tell you the story about what happened to me and my wife a few years ago when we first bought our house, moved in, we had she had three dogs, and I had my one dog, and we brought them all in together into the house.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_03: So we had four dogs in my 1200 square foot house.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: And kids.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_03: And kids, and me and her, and I mean it was like full house.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_03: It was like sardines in a can.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_03: But unfortunately, in we moved in there in June of 20.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_03: And in February 21, she lost, ended up losing her first pit bull.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_03: We had we're pit bull people.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Us two.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_03: We love the pitties.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_03: Oh I don't care what kind of rap people say or what they think, or there are no bad dogs.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: Just bad owners.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Bad owners.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_03: So I had been petting baby, was her name.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_03: She was a red nose.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_03: I'd been petting her on, you know, just petting her on the neck, you know, and I felt this weird thing, and I was like, oh, that's that's not supposed to be there.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_03: Ended up being about a baseball-sized tumor in her throat.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_03: And we were working together at the time.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, we were.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_03: And my wife had taken her down to the vet, and she said, Hey, I think this is what it is.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_03: I she was, I think, 11 at the time.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_03: My wife's probably gonna kill me for this.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_03: But she was like, I don't think we should try to do anything.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_03: We should probably just go the route of you know letting her go.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_03: And she decided on her own to put her down.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_03: And that was just the first one.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_03: Which it was horrible.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I just let my wife cry.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I you know, I I remember, man, you guys that that was rough for you guys.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_03: But so June of 22 or no, sorry, July of 22.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_03: June of twenty-two, we went to Myrtle Beach on vacation with the whole family.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_03: So July of twenty-two, I was in my living room, and my well, she was my wife's dog.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_03: She ended up choosing me for whatever reason.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_03: She loved me to death.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_03: But she had a boxer pit mix that looked like a dairy cow, but we named her pit.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_03: Well, she named her Pig.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_03: And anybody that knew Pig, Pig was just the sweetest dog with the most horrible breath.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, it was like straight Godzilla like nuclear radiation breath.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_03: But just the sweetest dog.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_03: And she got up, went into the kitchen, got a drink, jumped on the couch, and then she went in a thousand yards there, and we're like, what the hell's going on?
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_03: And my wife took her to the vet.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_03: She called me as I was on the way out to the vet.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_03: Actually, Metro out in Copley.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_03: If you've had anything, any emergencies with your animals, Metro out in Copley's great.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_03: I get there and my wife was like, hey, just just so you know, you know, Piggy, Piggy passed.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_03: And what we had found out was she had a tumor in her spleen that had ruptured open, and she had blood to death internally.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_03: And bro, let me tell you what, they wheeled that but they wheeled that dog in to the room we were in.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_03: And man, I just wept on that dog.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_03: That was a lot for me, because that was my that was that dog that was like in between me and my wife every night.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_03: And that was tough.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_03: And then in October 22, my dog, my Luna, she started just panting and not feeling good.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_03: And we ended up getting her into our personal vet after I took her to a different emergency vet they couldn't figure out.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_03: Not gonna fault them, but fuck you.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_03: Ended up taking her to my personal vet.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_03: A and B and Barbara didn't like slash Kenmore right on the border.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_03: My vet knew in five seconds what was wrong with her.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_03: She ended up having pyometra, which is a infection of like the uterus and like the lining and everything, and hers was a closed pyometra, which means she wasn't draining.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_03: So she ended up having surgery two days later, out in Seville, and the doctor called me.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, Well, I was gonna call you to come get her.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_03: Unfortunately, she went into cardiac arrest and passed away.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_03: And he's like crying on the phone with me.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_03: This is the doctor.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_03: And unfortunately, having been through two already, I was like, Well, Doc, I appreciate you trying.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, because it wouldn't have done any good if she would have been home.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_03: I'd have had two freaked out, three freaked out kids.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: So, in some sort of way, it was kind of a blessing.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: A blessing, yeah.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Hate to say that because of the situation, but you know, you you in in those situations, any any unadded stress and and grief is is definitely you know the path you want to take.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_03: And then to kind of finish off my puppy story, because it's it's I know it's a lot for anybody that has dogs.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry right now.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_03: And then early January 2023.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_03: The last one that we had, and we had just gotten the puppies like two weeks prior.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_03: So there's just these little balls of energy, and here we got we have Dodge, and you met Dodge.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_03: You know how big of a doofus that dog was.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, he was he was the best, though.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: He reminded me of Marmadoof.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_03: Right, he was so big and doofy, but man, was he a great dog, and people were scared because he was a big pit bull, he was a hundred pounds.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_03: But he had been dealing with bronchitis for like eight months, and it just got to the point at the end that he wasn't processing oxygen properly.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_03: And I called my wife one day while she was at work.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_03: I said, Hey, you need to come home.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_03: Dodge isn't doing good.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_03: And we took him to Metro, and that's when they were like, Well, he's not processing oxygen right, you know.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_03: So we had a huge decision to make together, even though that was my wife's dog.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_03: And we chose to put him down, and man, let me tell you, that was like that was like signing a death warrant on your best friend.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, for sure.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_03: But I also didn't want him to suffer because I told my wife, I said, he's too good of a dog.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_03: He's been too good of a dog to you.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_03: You know, he protected you, he protected these kids.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_03: And I think right now his job is complete.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_03: He knows it's complete.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_03: You're safe with me, the kids are safe with me.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_03: We've got the puppies, he's ready to go.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_03: And let me tell you, he did not fight.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_03: Some dogs fight, I know, and he just laid, and that was it was over.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: I I think right, whether you're uh a human or an animal, when when it's your time, it's your time.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: I you know, I uh unfortunately, um you know, um I I haven't had to deal with losing a a dog to death, but yeah, the one time I did have a dog was the same story with I was living in Canton.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: I had a dog, it was a pug.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I I named her pugs.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: I named her buttons, and I'm gonna tell you, but I'm gonna tell you the story why, and you'll get it.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's niche, but so we actually ended up going to an Amish uh in Millersburg uh to get her.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: And my girlfriend at the time, her name was Melinda, but everybody called her Mindy.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: And in the show Anim Any X, there was a show called Mindy and Buttons.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I told her, I said, if we get this dog, we gotta name her buttons.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_02: Buttons, nice.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: So we did.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but we didn't, she didn't die.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: But me and her split, and I went back to live with my parents a little bit before I ended up.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: This was right before I ended up moving to Florida for a little while.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um I did not know that.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's for another story.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but we left, and the only thing I was sad about was even that dog.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: And my girlfriend at the time, she was working with my mom.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: She had gotten her a job at the place where my mom works.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess Mindy ended up having to give her away because she never would leave the front door.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: She wouldn't eat.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: Really?
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_03: Dogs no, man.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I uh fortunately, uh I haven't had to deal with that yet, but I do have an 11-year-old pit bull myself.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: She's had cancer.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: We paid to get it removed.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: And and she's older, you know.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: She doesn't, you know, she she moves when she wants to, but she's definitely a um selective.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, she's dog of the world.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_03: I'm happy I get waggy tail and wiggle butt when I come over.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: She knows.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: She knows Bob.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then of course we know my Chihuahua Terrier mix, that little fucking ball of Jesus Christ.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, so we just wanted to make sure we took time to to give our our our furry family members some love too.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because, you know, yeah, they're they're not family in the fact of that they're blood related.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: But I I, you know, if you've never had a pet, you don't understand the bond that you make with them.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it there's something, and and look, this isn't a dist of family members, but you know, we're in a time and age where everything's so fast that like you can come home from work and nobody acknowledge you.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like I can come home from work, Brandon's still working, ties on the phone with his friends, you know, whatever.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: But no matter how many times I leave that house, yep, the moment I come in that door, they're waiting for me.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: And there's something to be said about that.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it's nice, you know, and not saying that your family doesn't want you there.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just saying that life gets in the way.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_03: You just don't dogs, dogs are unconditional lovers.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_03: It doesn't matter, and that's it's proven for the pieces of crap out there that beat dogs, and these dogs will still be like, I love you.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well, there's a reason why they're called man's best.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I can tell you for a fact when I come home for work, if my dogs are out, because my wife works third shift, sometimes she's in bed when I come home.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_03: But if they're out when I come home, I can tell you that my red one, she is, I don't even want to say wiggle butt, bro.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_03: It's wiggle body.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, she hits herself in the face with her tail, and it's hilarious because she's just so excited to see me.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's how Nala is.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: Nala just she can't, she doesn't know what to do.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: You tell her to sit, she jumps up and then she sits.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: But uh, yeah, I just want to go.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go through this timeline just to kind of give people an idea.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I've told Bob this.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, as far as my dad's side of the family, uh, from what I know, um, you know, I have a couple of uh aunts and uncles on my mom's side, but on my dad's side of the family, um, my uncle passed away in I believe it was June of last year.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, or my aunt, I'm sorry, my uncle passed about a year before that.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: My aunt passed away, and she was the last patriarch.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my me, my brothers and sisters, and then my first cousins who are my generation, they're all about 10 years older than me, but technically, you know, their parents were my parents, brothers, you know what I mean?
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're the oldest ones, man.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we're it.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I was gonna go through the timeline.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I I mentioned before my grandfather, my dad on my dad's side, he died in 1963 when my dad was 11.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: Then my uncle that I talked about in 85, and then my mom's dad died in 88.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: Then in 98, my grandmother on my dad's side died, and then in 03, my grandmother on my mom's side, her mom died.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: In 05, my brother died.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then we'll get into the next ones next.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, this next one's it's gonna be tough for the both of us.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because it has been a long time.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: But we alluded last last episode.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I think yeah, I think so.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: But um, yeah, this one's this one's gonna be tough.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I I I guess I'll I'll I'll go first just to just uh because I'm currently talking.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's fair.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um so fun fact um 05, my father has a heart attack.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um they no longer want to live in the house that they're in.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's too much upkeep.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: So they moved to Stowe, and they start to live out their life.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: Uh fast forward 2000 and the end of uh 2007, and my mom's shoulder had been bothering her for about six months, and she goes into the um the doctor, and they can't figure it out.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like they're feeling her muscles.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: They do an x-ray, there's like no, they're like, alright, let's do an MRI.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: Uh they call her in to give her the results of the MRI.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: She's got cancer.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: Stage four, small cell carcinoma.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_03: Lung cancer?
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_03: Lung cancer.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: But at this point, it's everywhere.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: Oh shit.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, or it's it's headed that way.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and let me tell you.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_00: I had heard the C-word before that.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I I I knew it was serious, but the amount of denial you have when you hear that, because you know, like I'm not one to like step out of bounds, like, if it's not my place to talk.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yes, I'm my mom's son, but my dad's still alive, so like, you know, I'm just listening.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: But if I pipe up and I'm like, okay, so what can we do?
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when the doctor's like on it's Terminal?
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna try to give her chemo uh just to try to slow it.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but after one round of that, I'll never forget my mom looked at me and she was like, I can't go through that again.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: Uh that was really hard on her.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so they said, uh, she's probably got three to six months.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then I was really like, whoa, whoa, wait, what?
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I'm I'm trying to process all this.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm freaking out.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um I I step out of the room and I sit down and I'll never forget.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even remember what hospital she was in, but I remember this corridor that was next to the little waiting area where we were talking in.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I come out, and it's like a little like corridor that goes into the next set of rooms, and like it's almost like it's looking out into like a garden or something.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just sitting there, and so many things were going through my head, and I just for the first time in my life, like I had felt like I'm trying to figure out how to put this into words.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, for the first time in my life, like I felt like I had no, like it's like it would be like being a trapeze artist, and it's the very first jump when they take the net out from under you.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I felt like because it was like, okay, my mom was my safety blanket, right?
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: Set on here many a times, like I didn't have the best relationship with my father.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: So the only real line of of true unconditional love that I had had at that point was my mom.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: And to know that like she was gonna go, I just it was the first stage of grief.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was just in denial.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, nah, she's she's gonna beat this.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I was I was telling myself she was gonna beat this, you know.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: And something we can delve in maybe in a further episode, but this was also what led to my deconstruction in religion.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: But again, I won't bring that up much, but uh I struggled.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, luckily for us, my mom is a son of a bitch, and she won't let nobody tell her what to do.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and she made it 11 months.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um first it was three to six, then it was two more months, then it was month by month.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but if anybody's been with somebody as they decline, you find out real quick, you know when they're ready to go.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I'll never forget, it was a long weekend.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: I went to work on a Friday.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I was working at Wing Warehouse, and I got off work and I went home.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: I was actually living on my own, but I was living in the falls, and my dad called me and he goes, Something's wrong with your mom.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: She's not responding, and I get over there and she's not talking.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: She's got that spaced-out look, like they're looking at you, but like thousand-yard stairs.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, Okay, we dealt with this.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: This was Friday night into Saturday morning.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: Shh, we went through this whole thing over the whole weekend.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, Monday, uh, we're dealing with it.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, uh the uh chaplain of the of the hospital or whatever it is comes out Monday morning and says, you know, she's actively dying.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it was about nine o'clock in the morning, and I'll never forget it neither, because it had it was the worst weather.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: It was in November.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: It was the worst weather.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_00: It was rainy, it was gloomy as fuck from like Thursday on.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I had just been in the house the whole weekend.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like I never even left.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I remember she she passed, and me and my dad hugged, and I said, I gotta go outside.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I went outside, and it was sunny, and like just that little bit.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_00: It just it it I'm my my hair is standing up.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I cried and I cried and I cried, but there was that part of me that was like, at least she doesn't have to to hurt anymore.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: She's she's at peace.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because my mom, you know, I I've talked a lot about, you know, my childhood wasn't the greatest, and I and I went through a lot of struggles and stuff, but of all the people I know in my life, um, my mom had one of the worst lives.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: I I we could go through three episodes of telling you the stories of this shit that my mom had to endure.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_00: But that's for another day.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, so on November 3rd, 2008, was when I became a new person.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I know that feeling all too well.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: I I have no other I whoever that person was is gone, at least a huge part of me is gone that day.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and one thing I will say before, you know, I let you get to your story is guys, that's not necessarily a bad thing.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um you just have to be able, you know, it's okay when you lose someone for a part of you, you know, to go with them.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's okay.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_00: Just stay strong for the people around you and yourself because that's all you can do, you know.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: And and don't expect miracles and don't expect it to happen right away.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_00: It it it took me years before, and I when I say years, I don't mean like three.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_00: It took me years to finally come to terms uh with losing my mom.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um but you know, it it it it it changed me in a lot of good ways, and and and I'll I'll leave it at the biggest thing is is I definitely started appreciating more shit in my life.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_00: But uh yeah, um that's heavy stuff, man.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's it's a it it it led to a a lot of things, and we'll get into that after you tell your story because we've we know about the mind space that it did put us into.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_00: But Bob, I will I will allow you to tell your story, which is also the similarities between me and this guy over here.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I was I was thinking about that the other day after we had talked about it, and not to make light of it, obviously, but I think the reason why we're such good friends, it it's gotta be a little bit of trauma bonding, honestly.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_03: I I I yeah, without a doubt.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: Without a doubt.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we we yeah.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_03: Because it is, I mean, you you just alluded to it.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_03: It's it's very it's eerily similar in some ways.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_03: It not to say you got lucky in that it it happened quickly, but in some ways I almost envy that with you.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_03: With my mom, she got diagnosed, I want to say, in 2000, 2001.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_03: Uh renal cell carcinoma stage four.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_03: It was in her right kidney and it had metastasized to her lungs.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_03: And the original doctor she saw, I think at Akron City, he goes, You got six months to a year.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_03: And this is the only thing I will give her fiance at the time credit for because that man made everything so difficult.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_03: He said, That's not good enough.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_03: I want a second opinion.
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_03: He took my mom to the Cleveland Clinic.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_03: And at the time, the oncologist that she saw was the number one oncologist in the entire world, period.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_03: End of story.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_03: Since retired.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_03: And he said, Sylvia, I don't see a toe tag on you.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_03: There's no expiration date on you.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_03: We can take this kidney out, we can fight this.
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_03: There's things we can do.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_03: And obviously, she was in her early 40s, basically around the same age I am now.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_03: And that kind of gave everybody hope, you know.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_03: So she went through, she had the surgery where they removed her kidney.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_03: And literally, you know, your kidneys are normally about the size of your fist.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_03: Well, her one was like two fists.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_03: That's how big the tumor was.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_03: And then she started because of the kind of cancer she had, she was on immunotherapy.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_03: She couldn't do chemo because chemo didn't work.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_03: So many, many, many, many, many years of immunotherapy.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_03: If you looked at my mom after, you know, five, six years, you'd go, Ain't no way you've got terminal cancer.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_03: You know.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_03: And then starting late 2010, they had moved.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_03: Well, they had moved down to DC, they had ended up moving back, and I told the story of where I grew up at grew up at last episode in those brick apartments over down Britain Road.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_03: She ended up moving into the front one because my cousin owned those those two apartments.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_03: And they moved in there.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_03: And you could just start to kind of steadily watch, you know, late 2010, like the decline, started losing a lot of weight, getting really, you know, just pasty looking.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_03: And I got lucky that she made it to February pretty good.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_03: My daughter came February 2011.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_03: Uh lucky I had pictures of my mom, big smiling grandma.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_03: That's the one thing my mom loved more than anything.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_03: She loved being a mom, but she loved being a Mee Mall.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_03: And that's a special one to my sister.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_03: And towards the tail end of March, I believe she had spent a week up in Cleveland Clinic because she had gotten really sick.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_03: And then April came and I got a phone call one day say, hey, we're rushing mom to ER.
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_03: She's her pupils are pinpoint.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_03: She's just kind of out of it.
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_03: And she ended up spending two weeks at Cogga Falls, uh, one week in ICU and then into palliative care.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_03: I was able to bring my daughter in one more time.
• 39:21
  SPEAKER_03: She held my daughter.
• 39:23
  SPEAKER_03: The second week she was basically moved into hospice care, into the same room.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_03: And I was, we had actually started making, we had finalized the plans for funeral arrangements.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_03: And I was on my way up to the hospital one morning, and my sister's like, hey.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_03: Because I was bringing a thumb drive of pictures for the you know eventual funeral.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_03: She's like, hey, you need to get up here now.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, okay, I'm right in the parking lot.
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_03: Let me park, I'll be in.
• 39:53
  SPEAKER_03: And bro, let me tell you, I got in, I got in that hospital that morning, and I kid you not in no more than 10 minutes, man.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_03: It was over.
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_03: And that was the first time I had ever watched anybody pass.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_03: It's all it's horrible.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_03: It's horrible.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_03: I was I was lucky in that sense that I had my sister to stand on because at that point she was a hospice nurse.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_03: So yeah, it sucked for her that she had lost her mom, but she was also looking at it as the nurse side of it too.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_03: And that's all I can say that she just I mean, she was a godsend on that one because it was like you know, because that's all we're it.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_03: It's me and her, and it's like, it's okay.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_03: It's okay.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_03: I know it sucks right now, but it's okay.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_03: And we hung out at the hospital for a while, the chaplain came in, we you know had prayers and because she passed on Palm Sunday, which is you know, pretty religious in in Christianity.
• 40:55
  SPEAKER_03: And we ended up I had to call my dad, he was at church because it was a Sunday.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_03: And my dad was super upset, which obviously they were married for 24 years.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_03: I mean they didn't end well because they divorced, but besides the point.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_00: You don't spend that much time with somebody and not have some sort of Yeah.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_03: They had known each other for, you know, basically 40 years of their lives at that point, 45 years, whatever it was.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_03: And just the phone calls I had to make, I remember that sucking so hard.
• 41:26
  SPEAKER_00: It just Yeah, but people, you know, that's the worst part.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I I unfortunately I didn't have I mean I had some friends and stuff, but at the time, and and this could have been a fault of my own because of the mindset I was in, but I didn't have a lot of people to lean on.
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um that drove my dad um baddie.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um you know, I will say this about my father.
• 41:59
  SPEAKER_00: Uh he was selfish, uh you know, it was always about him.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um but the moment and the following, I'd honestly say year to year and a half, um, I learned how much my mom actually meant to him.
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um it was a long road.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um I won't go into too much, but just to give you guys a quick um, you know, light um almost four uh four years and one month uh to the day after that my father uh passed.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_00: He actually passed three days before my birthday.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and that was a rough birthday Yeah, a rough birthday.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_00: Well that that time frame was rough for me.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um because even though it had been almost you know it had been four years since my mom died, I had to now take care of my father who was disabled.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like he couldn't work.
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, he was living with me.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um I still had to work, and I was working three jobs at the time.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm working three jobs, I'm dealing with the loss of the only solace.
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, solace I had in life.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and at the same time, I'm having to hold my shit together.
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_00: My dad from losing his.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, since we're candid and honest on here for a year, I had to listen to my dad literally tell me I wish I wasn't such a coward because I'd just kill myself.
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like I had to listen to this while going through your own shit.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_00: And my mother dies uh November 2008, the beginning of December.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_00: I found out that my girl my at the time, sort of my fiance is pregnant with my first child.
• 43:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I have On top of all that.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I yeah, it it you know I I I and it you're supposed to be able to get, you know, like hearing you say that like, you know, it it's still not even fair because you know, your dad, fortunately, your kids do yeah, they do know your dad.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um my kids didn't get to know either none of my parents.
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um Bella met my dad when she was very, very young.
• 44:33
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, baby, so she wouldn't remember that.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, Ty was born in 2013, and my dad passed in 2012.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_00: So um that that that's hard for me.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_00: No, um, you know, because no matter what relationship I had.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_03: Still your parents.
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I I I know for I know for a fact that like my mom, I couldn't have took my kids around her because I would never have them.
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_00: Bro, I'm telling you, she would have spoiled the fuck those children.
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_03: I tell my wife all the time, because she feels slighted.
• 45:05
  SPEAKER_03: Well, not slighted, but she feels really sad that she never got to meet her mother-in-law.
• 45:09
  SPEAKER_03: Because I I have a very close relationship with my mother-in-law.
• 45:13
  SPEAKER_03: She treats me too.
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, she treats me like her son, which I appreciate because she's the closest thing I have to a mom right now.
• 45:21
  SPEAKER_03: But my wife always tells me, she's like, I always feel so sad because I've always heard all these stories about your mom from you and your sister.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, well, that means for one, we're doing our job.
• 45:32
  SPEAKER_03: Because you're getting a chance to know her through stories and pictures.
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_03: But she's like, I feel bad because our son was born in uh 2018.
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_03: Obviously seven years after the fact that my mom passed.
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_03: And she's like, Ollie's gonna have are pictures.
• 45:50
  SPEAKER_03: I said, That's all Layla has is pictures, but it's different because it's pictures of my mom holding her to where it's like you knew, yeah, but you knew it's like that's my granddaughter, that's you know, and and I think she knew that that was gonna be the last, you know, the the last grandchild.
• 46:08
  SPEAKER_03: Because, like I said, my sister had hers younger.
• 46:11
  SPEAKER_03: So my my nephew's is actually the only one that really remembers her.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_03: Because he was like eight, eight and a half when my mom passed.
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_03: And we actually talked about it last weekend when I was down there for my niece's graduation.
• 46:25
  SPEAKER_03: It was just kind of bittersweet because I'm like, man, like because me and my sister were talking about that too, and it was like, I wish mom was here just to see all this fun stuff going on, and all the it just it brought everybody together because we had family from up.
• 46:39
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, it wasn't just me and my wife and my dad, and I mean we had a lot of family that traveled down there just to be there.
• 46:45
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, mom would be just having a riot talking with everybody and eating and being like, move over, let me cook this the right way.
• 46:53
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, and and to that, I went through a similar thing.
• 46:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, when my mom died, like I didn't have my safety blanket.
• 47:02
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I didn't find out until this last year or so that you know, Jermaine through therapy that Jermaine was actually my only safe place.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_00: And Vonnie to that extent, but I'm talking my teenage years.
• 47:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 47:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but uh, you know I, you know, when when me and Rihanna got together, like her mom had just been diagnosed with COPD.
• 47:29
  SPEAKER_00: And uh we got married, and then we moved to Barbad and we had a house over one of these days, I'll show you.
• 47:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 47:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then she started to get really sick, and like her dad runs the rail yards.
• 47:45
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 47:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, this dude at that time, I mean, I'm not kidding you, he would leave at five o'clock in the morning.
• 47:50
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, he would like leave the house.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like he'd be up at four, leaving the house at five, and there was nights he wouldn't get home, so eight.
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_00: Holy shit.
• 47:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um and mind you, this man was in his sixties.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 48:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but he wanted help, so he asked us to move in there.
• 48:05
  SPEAKER_00: And she quit her job.
• 48:07
  SPEAKER_00: We gave up our house.
• 48:08
  SPEAKER_00: I kept working, but she took care of her mom.
• 48:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now I helped too.
• 48:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, she didn't have a license, so like if her dad wasn't there, I would take her to her doctor, you know, whatever.
• 48:16
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure she got where she needed.
• 48:17
  SPEAKER_00: But um, I had to go through it twice.
• 48:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because you know, me and Rihanna had one other, you know, hiccup where we had separated for a little bit.
• 48:29
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, me and me and her mom had gotten really, really close.
• 48:34
  SPEAKER_00: And in uh 2017, uh, you know, after a long fought battle with with COPD, she passed.
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, then Rhiannon had to join our club that we didn't ask to we don't ask for members, but we accept members.
• 48:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because unfortunately we understand yeah, and and you know, and and and to piggyback on that, shouts out to Rhiannon because in a matter of like I'll say a year and a half, she got um her Graham passed away, which was literally her second mother.
• 49:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 49:15
  SPEAKER_00: And she passed away the morning of Ty the day before Ty's birthday, the morning of his birthday party.
• 49:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 49:21
  SPEAKER_00: Uh in 20 uh was it no, that was 2017.
• 49:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then uh and then in 2018, her mom passed, and then she had her hysterectomy all in there.
• 49:36
  SPEAKER_00: So she that's a lot.
• 49:37
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, dude, she went through the ringer.
• 49:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, um, and and you know, again, it it changed her, but I don't think you realize that like and and you know, guys, not every death affects you that way, but there's those people that are close to you, you know, and and and another thing I do want to bring up real quick.
• 49:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, Rihanna also unfortunately lost her sister, her best friend in the world, Danielle.
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, unfortunately, uh she ended up getting cancer at a young age.
• 50:07
  SPEAKER_00: She beat that and then uh passed away from and it was an accidental uh overdose.
• 50:14
  SPEAKER_00: Uh it was a combination of pills that she shouldn't have taken.
• 50:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um she and and dude, she lost all of those people in a matter of four or five years.
• 50:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 50:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so she's definitely one of the people that that have gone through that.
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_00: And and you know, I don't know if Jermaine is is gonna listen to this.
• 50:30
  SPEAKER_00: We talked about that.
• 50:31
  SPEAKER_00: I hope he does.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_00: I do too, but I hope he does.
• 50:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and this is actually gonna probably bring me to tears.
• 50:37
  SPEAKER_00: But like his granny, you know, my dad kicked me out when I was 17.
• 50:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and we didn't tell granny that, but we well, we kind of did.
• 50:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I I stayed there, you know, until I I cleared things up with my father and stuff.
• 50:51
  SPEAKER_00: But like, you know, Jermaine is, you know, he's Jermaine, and like, you know, I'm just this little white kid, and his family accepted me as if like I was with their family forever, and Granny treated me so good, and I know that that was hard on him, and and it was hard on me because I did have regrets when she passed, because once Jermaine had moved to Texas, I didn't keep in contact like I should have.
• 51:18
  SPEAKER_00: Right, you know, and that's on me, you know.
• 51:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I had that guilt.
• 51:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, life happens, unfortunately.
• 51:24
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, you know, I I know it weighed on him heavy, and that that was hard on him.
• 51:29
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, we all, you know, we go, we go through it and and we handle it, you know.
• 51:37
  SPEAKER_00: I guess what I'm trying to say is try to handle it as positive as you can.
• 51:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be hard, you know.
• 51:43
  SPEAKER_00: And me and him talked about this.
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're not trying to be your therapist, we're trying to tell you that you're not alone.
• 51:48
  SPEAKER_00: Nope.
• 51:48
  SPEAKER_00: There's people that will listen.
• 51:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 51:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, guys, all of our socials are everywhere.
• 51:52
  SPEAKER_00: Bearded and crunchy on everything.
• 51:54
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to send us uh email, it's bearded and crunchy26 at gmail.
• 51:59
  SPEAKER_00: Guys, if you just want somebody to listen, you can say, hey, don't repeat this.
• 52:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can delete this after we read it.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_00: We'll we'll read it and we'll leave it at that.
• 52:07
  SPEAKER_00: Just we want you to know that you're not alone.
• 52:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because for our last segment, I want to go into where that took me for a time frame, because uh for the 9,000th time in my life, Jermaine saved my life because it wasn't too long after she had passed.
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was living in the falls, and I was living literally on the cusp of the falls to North Hill.
• 52:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 52:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like if I turned left out of my driveway and drove up, I could be on 2nd Street going to the falls.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_00: If I turned right, I'd go around down by the gorge and like I was right there.
• 52:48
  SPEAKER_00: And um one night I got off of work.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_00: I was work, I was still working at um at Wings, and I'd gotten off work, and that bridge right there on um I can't remember, I don't want to say State Street.
• 53:08
  SPEAKER_00: But there's that bridge, it's where that old Ponderosa used to be in North Hill, that road right there.
• 53:12
  SPEAKER_00: State street.
• 53:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's State Road.
• 53:13
  SPEAKER_00: State Road.
• 53:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, man.
• 53:14
  SPEAKER_00: That little bridge.
• 53:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's the high-level bridge.
• 53:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, remember the that little car lot that was over there?
• 53:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 53:21
  SPEAKER_00: I parked there and I walk out and I sat on that bridge for an hour.
• 53:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I just I had nothing.
• 53:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um my dad was spiraling.
• 53:32
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, at this point, me and Amanda had split up.
• 53:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, she wasn't the easiest to get along with, but I definitely wasn't because I wasn't the same person anymore.
• 53:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like I take the majority of the responsibility.
• 53:47
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know how to deal with what I was dealing with at all.
• 53:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like zero percent.
• 53:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 53:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I was a bastard and a basket case.
• 53:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I sat there and and I'll never forget, and I don't even know if I've ever I might have told Jermaine this, but I'm sitting on that bridge and and and I'm playing this in my head like it happened yesterday, and I remember the thought going in my head.
• 54:11
  SPEAKER_00: I took a big deep breath and I said, There's nobody that wants me here.
• 54:17
  SPEAKER_00: And my phone went off, goes off.
• 54:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I take it and I'm about to throw it.
• 54:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I and I sat down for a second and I opened it, and all it said was, Hope you're doing okay, homie.
• 54:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here.
• 54:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's all it's all it said.
• 54:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I and I and I sat there and like I didn't drop my phone, but I kind of like dropped my hand like that and I said, you know what?
• 54:48
  SPEAKER_00: There's one person that wants me here.
• 54:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 54:52
  SPEAKER_00: And and that's not to take away from my other friends, you know.
• 54:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like I I I had Vonnie, he was there for me immensely when I was going through this.
• 55:01
  SPEAKER_00: But when when your mindset is stuck in when you lose something that close to you and it's taken away, nothing else matters in that moment.
• 55:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it would have made no difference.
• 55:14
  SPEAKER_00: If he would have, if Vonnie would have been the one to text me, it would have been the same reaction because he I can remember the hug he gave me the first time he saw me after my mom died, yeah, and how powerful that felt and I needed that.
• 55:28
  SPEAKER_00: But that text message from from Jermaine pretty much saved my life.
• 55:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know if I would have, but I was close.
• 55:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 55:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and and I tell that story just to let you guys know that like you know, we all get pushed to to a point that we we think we don't want to go on, but I I assure you there is at least one person in your life that that that wants you here.
• 55:54
  SPEAKER_00: But on that, Bob, because of course we've talked about many of things.
• 56:00
  SPEAKER_00: I I know you have uh uh a situation where you you felt the same, so I'll let you tell your story.
• 56:08
  SPEAKER_03: Similarly, after my mom passed, I went through a hard time.
• 56:11
  SPEAKER_03: I was also working, juggling a newborn, going to college full time.
• 56:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, that part.
• 56:20
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 56:20
  SPEAKER_03: I was I was in college before you were in college.
• 56:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was a late bloomer.
• 56:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I didn't ever want to go back to school.
• 56:27
  SPEAKER_03: I hated school.
• 56:28
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to for football, but that fell through, and then I said, well, fuck it.
• 56:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now I just don't want to go.
• 56:32
  SPEAKER_03: But but it it my kind of weird side of my story was that it took several months for the the ugly bastard demon to come out.
• 56:43
  SPEAKER_03: And I finally went to my doctor, was like, Doc, am I going crazy?
• 56:49
  SPEAKER_03: Like, what is like I just don't I don't feel like I'm just numb.
• 56:55
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to do anything, I don't want to be around anybody, I'm always sad, like or pissed off.
• 57:02
  SPEAKER_03: I said, Am I crazy?
• 57:03
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, No, son, you're not crazy.
• 57:06
  SPEAKER_03: You have clinical depression and anxiety.
• 57:10
  SPEAKER_03: I said, No way, there's no way that that's possible.
• 57:14
  SPEAKER_03: Because my mom died?
• 57:16
  SPEAKER_03: What?
• 57:16
  SPEAKER_03: Like, why?
• 57:18
  SPEAKER_03: Subconscious, it just happens.
• 57:20
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, okay.
• 57:21
  SPEAKER_03: Make it make sense, is what I told him.
• 57:24
  SPEAKER_03: So I got put on medication.
• 57:27
  SPEAKER_03: My partner at the time, she was not always the greatest, and we mixed like oil and water, unfortunately.
• 57:34
  SPEAKER_03: I got a beautiful daughter out of it.
• 57:37
  SPEAKER_00: She made it silver lining.
• 57:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, she made it extra difficult on something sometimes.
• 57:44
  SPEAKER_03: Again, oil and water, but where you were on a bridge, I had a 22.
• 57:52
  SPEAKER_03: That was my preferred method.
• 57:54
  SPEAKER_03: And it took somebody talking me down, same same situation, like, hey, you know we care, we love you, we don't think about what you have, what you're gonna let down, what you're losing.
• 58:08
  SPEAKER_03: And I said, you know what, you're you're right.
• 58:10
  SPEAKER_03: Because my daughter was eight, nine months old, ten months old at that point.
• 58:16
  SPEAKER_03: I said, I've got a little girl I gotta worry about and take care of.
• 58:20
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I've got my sister that worries about me.
• 58:23
  SPEAKER_03: She does the same thing even to this day.
• 58:25
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, are you okay?
• 58:25
  SPEAKER_03: How are you feeling?
• 58:27
  SPEAKER_03: Everything good?
• 58:29
  SPEAKER_03: And I know she cares, she loves me.
• 58:32
  SPEAKER_03: So I had a lot, you know, I had a lot of family and they knew what was going on.
• 58:37
  SPEAKER_03: So I did.
• 58:38
  SPEAKER_03: I I uncocked the gun, put the gun down, and was like, alright.
• 58:41
  SPEAKER_03: You know, we're gonna work through this.
• 58:44
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm glad you did.
• 58:45
  SPEAKER_00: Me too, man.
• 58:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because this would never have happened.
• 58:48
  SPEAKER_00: We wouldn't have been friends.
• 58:49
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 58:50
  SPEAKER_00: If either one of us, you know.
• 58:53
  SPEAKER_00: Ah you know, I think one thing that we should probably touch on, not to cut you short real quick, but just, you know, I wanted to talk about it.
• 59:00
  SPEAKER_00: We did say we weren't, but guys, there's clinical studies done about grief, and just understand that everything you're feeling is legit.
• 59:09
  SPEAKER_00: There's five stages of grief.
• 59:10
  SPEAKER_00: I call it normal.
• 59:11
  SPEAKER_00: I call it dabda.
• 59:12
  SPEAKER_00: Dabda.
• 59:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's what the it's denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
• 59:17
  SPEAKER_00: All been through it.
• 59:18
  SPEAKER_00: And guys, I can tell you, like, it you're gonna go through every single one of them.
• 59:24
  SPEAKER_00: All of them.
• 59:25
  SPEAKER_00: The difference is it could take years.
• 59:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 59:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my acceptance came only within the last couple of years.
• 59:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I hear that.
• 59:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know.
• 59:35
  SPEAKER_03: It took me a few years.
• 59:37
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, it's you know, it as I sit here, I just started thinking, you know, the amount of similarities we have and the things that we went through, you know, and we talked about this in episode four.
• 59:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's amazing how we kept missing.
• 59:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 59:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like we were walking down the same street, but not at the same time.
• 59:57
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 59:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, because you know, we we've witnessed kids around the same time.
• 1:00:02
  SPEAKER_00: We had both of our first kids around the same time.
• 1:00:04
  SPEAKER_00: We had uh we lost our moms almost around the same time.
• 1:00:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, music was our therapy for years.
• 1:00:12
  SPEAKER_00: We delved into sports, like we're a lot more alive than people kind of scary eyes, but um, you know, just again, you know, because I think to to um propagate and make this a norm, I want to say thank you for not doing that.
• 1:00:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um because there has been times in our short but long, short in time, long in amount of closeness, yeah.
• 1:00:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um that you have not necessarily saved my life, but you have saved my depression.
• 1:00:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:00:51
  SPEAKER_00: There's been times you've reached out, there's times you've sent a joke and I never told you that has helped me, you know, because guys, real quick too, it's not just about death and loss, neither.
• 1:01:02
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 1:01:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, as I I've expressed, I'm currently going through a divorce.
• 1:01:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's loss too.
• 1:01:08
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 1:01:08
  SPEAKER_00: That that that's you know it's also grief because you're yes, it's and I can tell you, you know, as the days go by, I'm I'm I'm better with it.
• 1:01:17
  SPEAKER_00: But um quick story.
• 1:01:20
  SPEAKER_03: Quick story if you think about that.
• 1:01:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:01:22
  SPEAKER_03: So last year, what happened with my dad?
• 1:01:26
  SPEAKER_03: You know, he goes to the hospital, ends up having a second heart attack.
• 1:01:29
  SPEAKER_03: He's an insulin-dependent diabetic like you.
• 1:01:31
  SPEAKER_03: Another weird similarity, even though that's my dad, you're my friend.
• 1:01:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's still the the the parallel.
• 1:01:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:01:37
  SPEAKER_03: So ends up July, end of July last year, he ends up having to have triple bypass surgery.
• 1:01:43
  SPEAKER_03: And obviously, that's a I've already lost my mom at this point years ago.
• 1:01:48
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like freaking the fuck out.
• 1:01:50
  SPEAKER_00: Well, because now you're and not to cut you off, but because you've been through it, right?
• 1:01:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're now trying to put the guards up.
• 1:01:57
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, okay, I know what's coming now, so I need to prepare myself.
• 1:02:00
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah.
• 1:02:01
  SPEAKER_03: And I got lucky at that point that my sister was here, you know, in and out, like up in Ohio.
• 1:02:09
  SPEAKER_03: Uh obviously married at that point, so I had my wife to lean on, but I cannot tell you how much I texted this freaking guy.
• 1:02:16
  SPEAKER_03: He probably got tired of hearing it, but it was always something back like, bro, it's gonna be all right, just let the doctors do their work.
• 1:02:23
  SPEAKER_03: Everything's gonna be fine.
• 1:02:25
  SPEAKER_03: Just breathe, take a break, go for a drive, smoke a smoke, well, whatever you need.
• 1:02:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and what I like to do, it's the same thing, you know, when when Jermaine reaches out to me, I may not always have the answers, but just reach out so I can say, Man, I'm sorry.
• 1:02:43
  SPEAKER_00: Just so just so I know, you know what I mean?
• 1:02:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because, you know, my issue with being a good friend is sometimes I don't know what to say when somebody reaches out to me.
• 1:02:53
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 1:02:53
  SPEAKER_00: But that's that that's not me saying, don't reach out.
• 1:02:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's saying just understand I may not always have a great answer, yeah, but my phone is always on.
• 1:03:01
  SPEAKER_00: But like my my ears are always here because you know, guys, I went a lot of years thinking in my own mind that I didn't have anybody.
• 1:03:10
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 1:03:11
  SPEAKER_00: And feeling like that, I go through it to not, I don't want the people that are close to me to ever feel that way.
• 1:03:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I want them to always feel like no matter what, I am just a text message or a phone call away.
• 1:03:24
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:03:24
  SPEAKER_03: Well, and you know, honestly, there was a couple times where it was before surgery where I just felt really, really down, and it was like you would text me and be like, everything all right, bro?
• 1:03:35
  SPEAKER_03: Just so you know I love you, bro.
• 1:03:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I was just about to say that's because I love you, dog.
• 1:03:40
  SPEAKER_03: And it it made it made a huge difference in my day just to be like, yeah, I love you too, bro.
• 1:03:45
  SPEAKER_03: Like, thank you.
• 1:03:46
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for being there.
• 1:03:47
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for being my friend, thank you for having my back.
• 1:03:51
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody needs a crutch.
• 1:03:53
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes you have to be a crutch.
• 1:03:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 1:03:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's just the way life goes.
• 1:03:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I always hear the thing in relationships and marriages and friendships, you know, everybody's like, oh, it's 50-50.
• 1:04:03
  SPEAKER_00: Horse shit.
• 1:04:04
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, if you're gonna say that, it should be 100 and 100.
• 1:04:07
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 1:04:08
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not it's never that way.
• 1:04:10
  SPEAKER_00: No, there's gonna be days where you have to give 120 and they're only gonna give 80 because that's all they got that day.
• 1:04:15
  SPEAKER_00: Or 60.
• 1:04:16
  SPEAKER_00: There's gonna be days when you only got 50, right, and they're gonna have to bring the other one 50.
• 1:04:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I think you know, that's not talked about enough.
• 1:04:24
  SPEAKER_00: And and there is one last subject I want to get to.
• 1:04:27
  SPEAKER_00: And a friend of mine, shout out to her, she knows.
• 1:04:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she's a friend of mine.
• 1:04:33
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, we met through TikTok.
• 1:04:34
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, nice.
• 1:04:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then her son and my son are almost the exact same age, they're literally like three weeks apart.
• 1:04:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, wow.
• 1:04:40
  SPEAKER_00: And they became friends over video games that they played.
• 1:04:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's awesome.
• 1:04:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she made a good point because she also lost her father um within the last like five or six years, it was around COVID and they were close.
• 1:04:53
  SPEAKER_00: But a lot of times, as as the person suffering, you get to a point where you're afraid to bring it up because you don't want to get annoying to people.
• 1:05:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you don't you you're afraid that you're that people are gonna get sick of you talking about it.
• 1:05:09
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, I do want to preface that there are gonna be mean and evil motherfuckers that are gonna think that way.
• 1:05:15
  SPEAKER_00: But if somebody really cares for you, or definitely somebody, they're gonna understand that like there's no predictions of when this shit hits you, and there's no timetable of when you're gonna get better.
• 1:05:27
  SPEAKER_00: So don't feel like like when you go, man, I should probably stop talking about this.
• 1:05:31
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, if there's a certain person that's given you some type of vibe, then just don't talk to them about it.
• 1:05:36
  SPEAKER_00: Find another outlet, but find somebody to talk to.
• 1:05:40
  SPEAKER_03: I agree with you, and I have over all of all of the years, and I can tell you that I'm glad that you're in therapy because I spent about five years in therapy getting down to the root of all the problems with the anxiety, because that's I don't suffer from the depression really anymore.
• 1:05:56
  SPEAKER_03: I have my moments, don't get me wrong.
• 1:05:58
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody will.
• 1:05:59
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's Depression isn't something that you get.
• 1:06:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's something that we all um go through.
• 1:06:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's just to what degree.
• 1:06:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, extent.
• 1:06:09
  SPEAKER_03: But you know, my anxiety.
• 1:06:11
  SPEAKER_03: I just I literally texted you yesterday.
• 1:06:12
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, bro, I'm having a bad day.
• 1:06:14
  SPEAKER_03: I'm having a bad anxiety day.
• 1:06:15
  SPEAKER_03: I texted my sister, same thing.
• 1:06:17
  SPEAKER_03: Having a really bad anxiety day.
• 1:06:19
  SPEAKER_03: Had to take my medicine.
• 1:06:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, literally.
• 1:06:24
  SPEAKER_03: It makes him blue be good.
• 1:06:25
  SPEAKER_03: It's it's a what I always tell you, it's like Benadryl on steroids times 10.
• 1:06:30
  SPEAKER_03: It will knock your dick in the dirt faster than a bottle of jack.
• 1:06:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:06:35
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, but I still had to function because I had shit I had to get done.
• 1:06:39
  SPEAKER_03: And then you know, as you'll hear in the beginning of this episode, I got a chance to spend a little bit of time with my daughter last night, and we created some special intro music for this episode.
• 1:06:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's phenomenal, by the way.
• 1:06:55
  SPEAKER_03: Her on clarinet, dad on guitar, which is awesome.
• 1:06:59
  SPEAKER_03: We've actually the funny thing is we've never collabed like that before.
• 1:07:03
  SPEAKER_03: She goes, Dad, this is freaking awesome.
• 1:07:06
  SPEAKER_00: Bearded and crunchy exclusive.
• 1:07:08
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 1:07:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, and we're so thankful for that.
• 1:07:12
  SPEAKER_00: Guys, she's so talented.
• 1:07:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's it's almost like we used to talk about this in sports.
• 1:07:20
  SPEAKER_00: There's gifted people, right?
• 1:07:22
  SPEAKER_00: And there's people that work at it.
• 1:07:24
  SPEAKER_00: And and and and I'm not saying your daughter doesn't work at it because it's obvious she does, but you can just tell she's gifted.
• 1:07:29
  SPEAKER_00: So freaking jealous, she's so gifted.
• 1:07:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's the thing.
• 1:07:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I've always loved music.
• 1:07:34
  SPEAKER_00: I just have an ear for it.
• 1:07:35
  SPEAKER_00: I can't I can't read music.
• 1:07:38
  SPEAKER_00: I can't, you know what I mean?
• 1:07:39
  SPEAKER_00: But in my head, though, everything makes sense.
• 1:07:43
  SPEAKER_00: But I just don't know what I'm it's hard to explain.
• 1:07:46
  SPEAKER_00: But um on that note, guys, I think I think we'll we'll we'll go ahead and close out the episode.
• 1:07:53
  SPEAKER_03: I think so.
• 1:07:54
  SPEAKER_03: Um, any final thoughts?
• 1:07:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I I just want to reiterate, guys, talk to somebody.
• 1:08:00
  SPEAKER_00: Please.
• 1:08:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I if I I don't care, you know, if it's just if you lost your job that you've been at for 12 years and you're depressed, talk to somebody.
• 1:08:09
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me.
• 1:08:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't, you know, I'm not gonna be one of those people that, you know, there are gonna be people that may not want to hear it.
• 1:08:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but I can assure you there is someone in your life that will listen that will listen.
• 1:08:20
  SPEAKER_00: And again, we're bearded and crunchy on all socials.
• 1:08:24
  SPEAKER_00: I will give you the email again, bearded and crunchy26 at gmail.com.
• 1:08:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't think you have anybody you do with us, reach out.
• 1:08:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you like one of our voices more and you want to talk to one of us specifically, tell us it doesn't matter.
• 1:08:38
  SPEAKER_00: The other one's not gonna.
• 1:08:40
  SPEAKER_00: We just want you to know that this is a safe place.
• 1:08:43
  SPEAKER_00: We all go through it, right?
• 1:08:45
  SPEAKER_00: And we can help each other go through it.
• 1:08:48
  SPEAKER_03: And that's part of being just human, yeah.
• 1:08:51
  SPEAKER_03: A good human.
• 1:08:52
  SPEAKER_00: Which I think I think unfortunately, we've we've lost a little.
• 1:08:58
  SPEAKER_00: We we fell out of touch with that in our ways.
• 1:09:01
  SPEAKER_00: But for that, guys, we wanna we wanna thank you guys for joining us.
• 1:09:06
  SPEAKER_00: And this week, we're not gonna do the dad joke.
• 1:09:09
  SPEAKER_03: Nah, it's been too heavy, I think.
• 1:09:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I think we're just gonna We'll bring it back next week.
• 1:09:14
  SPEAKER_00: And on that, we'll see you next week.