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Transcript

THE CONVEYOR BELT · The Karen Kenney Show

0:01
Unknown: Hey, you guys! Welcome to the Karen Kenney Show. This
0:04
is like take three because I keep cracking myself up over
0:07
here like a little weirdo. So I keep, I keep having to tell
0:10
myself, pull it together, pull it together. Okay, and we're
0:14
back. Welcome to the show. I'm so happy you're here with me,
0:18
you guys. I made so many notes about this sucker because I got
0:22
some things to say. Something that's been on my mind, and I
0:26
just got brought back up because that's how spiritual team on the
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job works. Okay, so okay, I was just talking with a friend, and
0:36
their son was trying to catch their airplane, right? Like the
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airport they were flying back home, and I started thinking
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about in the airport how, like, when you're in a rush, like, is
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it better to take like the moving walkway, like that big
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conveyor belt, or is it better to just like haul ass and like
0:52
run? So I was just thinking about this, and it reminded me,
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right? It reminded me of a conversation that I had with my
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sweetie, and we were talking about how. Okay, so not only has
1:05
this let me start here. This topic has come up with my
1:08
sweetie, but I have seen this topic in action so many times
1:14
over the years, in my yoga classes, in people talking to me
1:17
after class, in my workshops, at my retreats, with my coaching
1:22
clients, my mentoring clients, this topic today has come up
1:25
again and again and again. And I guarantee you, at some point in
1:31
your life, I mean, maybe I can't say 100% but I have a sneaking
1:34
suspicion that sometime in your life you have had this thought,
1:39
this situation, or this problem, however, we want to define this
1:43
sucker. So today's episode title, you saw, it's called the
1:46
conveyor belt. Now here's the thing: I was talking with my
1:50
sweetie, and we were talking about just relationships in
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general. And here's the thing about relationships: there is a
1:58
lot of fluctuation in them. Often, they're not always stuck
2:04
or stagnant. Sometimes there are periods of growth. Sometimes
2:07
there are periods of not growth. Sometimes there are periods of
2:10
coming together. Sometimes there are periods of pulling apart.
2:12
Right? We're just talking about like humans in relationship
2:17
trying to like create like a life together. Do you know what
2:20
I mean? Like, if you are sharing a household or a business or
2:25
whatever, a family with people, you got as soon as you have two
2:28
people involved, shit's gonna go down. You know what I'm saying?
2:31
Because you've got, you've got people's personalities, you've
2:35
got their egos, you've got their past and their history, you've
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got their previous traumas, you've got their beliefs and
2:41
their stories and their identities. Like it's amazing,
2:44
you guys, that the that that the population continues to like
2:48
grow and that humans continue to exist. Although at this rate, at
2:51
this rate, the way we're abusing the planet, who knows, you know?
2:55
But here's the thing. Okay, this is what I want to get into about
2:58
the conveyor belt. So often when we are in a relationship with
3:03
another person, especially if it's romantic, if it's intimate,
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if it's like like a level three teaching, as the Course of
3:10
Miracles would say, like you guys are going to spend a good
3:13
chunk of time together, right? There can be sometimes this
3:17
insidious little thought that will creep into your mind, it's
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really like a little way of judgment. It's like kind of a
3:24
little way of like attacking your partner or your person, and
3:28
this insidious little thought is this: It's some version of this.
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I'm more spiritual than them. I'm more evolved than them. I've
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done more quote unquote work on myself than them, okay. And when
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I've been in conversations with people over the years, right?
3:49
They usually, and if you're listening to this and not
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watching, I'll explain what I'm doing because they usually do
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some sort of hand gestures when they're when they're basically
3:58
kind of judging their partners, but they're kind of giving me
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like show and tell, right? And they'll say, "Well, I'm kind of
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like up here, and they'll raise their hand high, like above the
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top of their head or so, and they'll say, "And they're down
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here. And there's usually like a significant gap, right?
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They'll be like, "I'm more evolved, like I've done the
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work. I'm more spiritual. Like I'm up here, high, and then
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they're down here. Or they kind of do more of the conveyor belt,
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like more instead of vertical. They do more of the horizontal,
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and they'll say, "Well, I'm more here. Like they're forward. Like
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they're more evolved, right on the evolution journey, and
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they're back here, like they're behind me, right? And that's the
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other thing. Like, so they're always using their hands to kind
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of show me just how like they're in the higher position, or the
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more forward position, or the dominant position, or the
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position where they're just like call it what it is. They're
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saying like I'm just better. I'm better than you. Oh my God! And
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then we go on, right? We go on, and look, we've all done it. Oh
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my God! Double A men hands. Can we just be honest with ourselves
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and each other right now? We say we say shit like this, right? We
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say this is ridiculous, but it's true sometimes. Sometimes it's
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true. I'll give that caveat. However, we also say this. We
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say, "Well, if only they would. And what follows that blank
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space? If only they would. I always say now. Just go ahead
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and insert what you consider now is your expert diagnosis about
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what's wrong with them, or or or your your your armchair expert
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solution to what whatever you deem their issue was and what
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you think they should do about it? Because if only they would
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insert your diatribe, right? Then the relationship would
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work. Then the relationship would be better. What we're
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really saying is, then I would be happier if you only change.
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If only you would just do some damn work, or read a book, you
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know, or took a listen to a podcast or whatever, right? Got
6:14
to went to therapy, you know. If only you did this, then then
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this could work out. And I will tell you this, you guys, this
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kind of thinking. I'm just like grabbing my face right now
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because it's this kind of thinking that has started the
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slow decline, right? The slow, let's call it the demise, the
6:36
demise of a relationship, and I'm sure it has been the demise
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of many a relationship, way more than one relationship, is when
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we start to think that we know better how they should do it.
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They need to. I want them to change, right? Like I'm so much
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more forward on the conveyor belt than you are. And this is
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the thing about the conveyor belt. If you've ever been in an
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airport, right, and especially if you've done this with a
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friend, right, so sometimes you're traveling with somebody
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and they're just like walking along or whatever, taking their
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time, getting to their gate, doing whatever they want to do,
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and you're just like the person who's like always in a rush and
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like you're on your phone or you're doing like 18,000 things,
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and you just get on the conveyor belt, and the thing is, is when
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you're first walking together, for about a moment there, right?
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Like they're right there next to you, and then as soon as you get
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on that conveyor belt, like you take off, right? And because
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it's motorized, it's moving at a faster pace. Like you're just
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gonna get ahead of them unless you start running alongside
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them. And who wants to feel like they always have to run to catch
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up to the other person? You know what I mean. But let's talk
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about this because what happens is you start to get this crazy
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thought in your head that let's just call it what is it? We
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would just say that you think you're special, you think that
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you are better than or smarter than or you've done more work.
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And look, here's the reality. Maybe that's true. Maybe you
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have done. Maybe you've read more books, or studied with more
8:05
people, or took the course, or went to therapy, or did
8:07
whatever. But the reality of it is, is that like you got into
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this relationship with this person under the guise of like I
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love you, you love me, or I like you, you like me.
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You know, we think we think each other's pretty great, and then
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some stuff starts to shift and starts to happen, and it's this
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kind of mindset, right? This kind of mindset, and I can I can
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speak from it from this point of view because because of the work
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that I do in the world, that I tend to work with people who are
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doing personal development work, who are doing spiritual work,
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who are doing like let's call it change work or growth work.
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Okay, so this mindset starts to sneak into people who have
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started to do some personal development work, and they think
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all kinds of things, right? So what happens is you start to get
8:54
a little more self awareness. You start to realize, like,
8:58
which you had to have some sort of realization, or you wouldn't
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be working with me, or going to therapy, or doing whatever,
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right? Reading your books, listening to your podcast,
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whatever. But some some part of your life wasn't going well, and
9:10
then you decided to do something about it, and then you start to
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get like just enough knowledge, just enough insight to be like
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what I call dangerous, right? So you you start to get a little
9:19
bit of self awareness. You might start to have what you know the
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coaching world loves to call like breakthroughs or aha
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moments, and you start to go like oh, so like that's what I
9:29
was doing. Then nowadays, because of the internet and
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social media and all the Instagram, like the Instagram
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therapists out there, you know all the quote unquote Instagram
9:40
experts, you start to develop a little bit more of understanding
9:45
whether it's around your nervous system or your how your your the
9:50
psychology of how things work. You learn about the unconscious.
9:53
You start to learn about polyvagal theory or attachment
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theory or how to work with your vagus. Or identity, whatever it
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is, right? You start to get like enough information to stop being
10:06
a pain in the ass, is what I kind of think sometimes, right?
10:10
Not a pain in the ass to yourself so much, but it's when
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we take these things and then we start to kind of like inflict
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them on other people, and I've seen this so many times, you
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guys, right? I'm not saying that I'm not. I look. I I say all the
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time when I'm talking with people, you know, like I'm not
10:30
here to psychoanalyze you, right? But a lot of times, it's
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so much easier for us to see patterns in other people. It's
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so much easier for us to see people's what I call blind spots
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to their own bullshit, right? So once we start to get a little
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self-awareness about ourselves, we now sometimes think that we
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have like have received like the golden ticket to just start
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opening our mouths to everybody else. So we start to feel a
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little bit more confident about like saying things to them, like
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you know, I've noticed this, or da da da da da, right? And we
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all do it. I know I've done it. I try not to do it unsolicited.
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You know what I mean? But sometimes it happens, and
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sometimes we definitely do it out of love. We're not doing it
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to be malicious or mean or manipulative or whatever, we
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just have an insight and like we share it. But it can get tricky
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sometimes if we feel like really comfy. If we get like a little
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extra comfy and overconfident and starting to psychoanalyze
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our partners, like you know your sweetie doesn't want to be
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psychoanalyzed. They want to be loved. They want to be seen and
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heard and feel welcomed, and that you accept them. They don't
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want you and all of your 1000s of solutions to their problems
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that you've deemed problems, unless of course they ask you.
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You know what I'm saying? So even if we're right, even if
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we've looked at them, looked at the situation, looked at the
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relationship, and we assess some things, and we're like, yeah,
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that could change if only they did this. Da da da da da. We
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might be right, quote unquote. We might be accurate in our
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assessment, but it's like we don't like people coming at us
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like that.
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There is a way to talk about these things in your
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relationship, but if you fancy yourself on the conveyor belt,
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way ahead of your patna, and now you're looking back and you're
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lobbing your diagnoses and your psychoanalyzing and your
12:31
solutions and what they should do or need to do or blah blah
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blah blah blah, man, that is going to cause that is going to
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cause like so not soothing. It will just be so not soothing.
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So, like, let's kind of get into this for a minute because if you
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think for a moment, like I'm so much more evolved than you, I'm
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so much more spiritual than you, I've done so much more work than
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you. If you're secretly thinking this, what happens is, is it
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kind of what's the word I'm looking for? You know when you
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put like a kink in a hose, like you know, water flow. Water is
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flowing through the hose. Like you guys are just doing your
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relationship, and then all of a sudden there's a kink in the
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hose. Well, not only does the water stop coming out, so the
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love is not moving forward to and fro to each other, right?
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But it creates a buildup of pressure. There's kind of like
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this pressure that gets there's this there's this tension, this
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tension that will get created in a relationship. It will start to
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create conflict when you think you're better than them. When
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you think that you are, you know, yeah, more evolved,
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whatever the word is, then it will definitely create a kink in
13:47
your relationship, especially if you want the relationship to
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thrive, to be organic, where people are allowed to grow at
13:55
their own pace, to discover things at their own pace. If one
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person is insisting that the other person hurries up, you
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know, and we just can't do that. If we start keeping the focus on
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them, like if only they would do this. And I always say, when
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they, then I. So when they do this, then I will be able to be
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happy. And if we insist that another person changes so that
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we feel better, we feel more comfortable, we feel happier,
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and like caveat, right? Side note, sidebar. I'm doing this
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thing with my hands. Little timeout sidebar over here. I'm
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not talking about like obviously really dangerous things, right?
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Like oh, if they would stop hitting me or beating me or
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abusing me, like these are those are no brainer things. I'm not
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talking about that, I'm just talking about these kind of like
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insidious little thoughts where we start to do a little work on
14:45
ourselves, and then we start to think. We start because what
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happens is when we start to do work on ourselves, the focus is
14:53
on us, and then it can be really fucking tempting to take the
14:59
focus off. Ourselves and to turn it, and I'm kind of doing this
15:02
thing where, like, I got my hand facing towards my face, like I'm
15:05
looking in the mirror, and we take that focus, and then we
15:07
turn it, and we turn it around, and now it's looking at
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everybody else, but specifically our partner, right? That person
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you chose to shack up with, or have kids with, or marry, or
15:18
whatever, have a commitment to, right? Because what happens is a
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lot of times is people start using spirituality as a weapon.
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They weaponize spirituality. They start to spiritualize like
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blaming and shaming and guilting other people. Right, we they
15:33
start to kind of take these things, and they use it as a way
15:37
to kind of get out of the glare of their own bullshit, their
15:42
own, as I call it, say because when we're focusing on what
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other people are doing wrong, when we're focusing on them all
15:48
the time out there instead of looking in here, when when we
15:52
turn on them, right, and we start to say, "Here's a massive
15:56
blind spot that you have to your own bullshit, I would say right
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there, that's a blind spot to our own bullshit. Because as
16:04
soon as we take the focus off ourselves and we stop putting it
16:07
on them, it's just a way of just like distracting ourselves from
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the work that we probably still have to do. So here's what I
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wrote down.
16:17
Right, we sometimes think like, well, I've done so much work, it
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can't possibly. Oh my God, the ego mind is so insane. It
16:31
couldn't possibly be me. Do you know how many books I've read?
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You know how many friggin' you know courses I've taken? Do you
16:38
know how much mentoring, whatever it is, right that I've
16:41
done. Oh my God! So here's the thing: we never find peace if we
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insist on blaming other people, right? If we insist on making.
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And now look again. I'm going back to the no-brainer stuff.
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There will be times that if somebody just stopped doing
16:56
gambling away all your money, so you can't feed your kids. Of
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course, there are situations where it's very clear that if
17:03
this person stopped doing this, yeah, there probably would be
17:05
more peace in the household. But I'm not. I'm not talking about
17:08
that. As long as one person's being blamed for everything,
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there won't be peace. It's not going to work that way. The
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reality of it is, is it takes two to tango. Whatever dynamic,
17:19
and I'm bringing my two fists together, like I'm fitting my
17:22
knuckles together, like you know how they would fit. You know,
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however a relationship works, it's almost never exclusively
17:28
just one person causing all the problems. There is a dynamic at
17:32
play, even if let's say somebody has you know addiction issues,
17:38
they have a dependency on a drug, alcohol, whatever the
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thing is, an overdependency or whatever. Some part of you,
17:47
unless you did not know that blindly, 100% did not know going
17:50
in, right? Some part of you either recognized the behavior,
17:54
thought I can change them or fix them or whatever. There's always
17:57
like you know this codependency. So one, and I've talked about
18:00
this in the past. Like one of the things, one of the best
18:03
things that I ever did for myself, where I learned to keep
18:06
the focus on myself, was going to Al-Anon. Like I went to
18:10
Al-Anon, and I realized, like, oh, you might have a little
18:15
codependent streak. And I'll never forget. I've told this
18:21
story before. I used to get so pissed. I would get so pissed at
18:24
my sponsor because just like how in AA, right, Alcoholics
18:28
Anonymous, there's sponsors. In Al-Anon, you also get a sponsor,
18:31
and I get a sponsor. And Lauren used to tell me all the time to
18:36
keep keep my fucking eyes on my own paper, keep the focus on
18:39
yourself. I would get so I would always be like, yeah, but he's
18:42
yeah, but the yeah, but right. I was the queen of the yeah, but
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oh my god, it was so not soothing when I realized I was
18:51
part of part of the problem. Okay, so here's the thing: every
18:57
relationship is going to have conflict. Every relationship is
19:00
going to have problems. Every relationship is going to have
19:03
times where you disagree or whatever. But there's like two
19:05
people. There's two people at work. Now, here's the thing.
19:09
Here's the thing I want to say. Let's say you are on the
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conveyor belt and you feel like you are moving ahead. Maybe
19:15
you're starting to feel like you're moving too far ahead or
19:18
dangerously ahead. You're not feeling connected to your person
19:21
anymore, you're not feeling attracted to them anymore.
19:23
You're feeling just like, oh, I'm doing all this stuff.
19:26
They're not doing anything. The reality is this: we cannot
19:29
number one save people from themselves. We cannot drag
19:33
people forward to your pace, to where you are, to how you want
19:37
them to be. And sadly, there might come a time when the
19:42
relationship falls apart, and you eventually have to leave
19:45
them behind. Right? That's all true, but first, first before
19:52
all of that, before the relationship comes to an end,
19:54
before you start working all your your bullshit and your
19:57
manipulation and all your stuff, and we're going to get into
19:59
that. In a second, we got to ask the question like, "What about
20:03
me? What about me? Right? Keep the focus on myself. So we got
20:08
to ask myself like, "We got to ask ourselves these kind of
20:10
questions: Where am I in this? Like, what's the role that I'm
20:15
playing in this? What's my bullshit to own? What's my
20:20
pattern, my history, my way of behaving, my thought
20:23
process-right, the way that I show up, and all that stuff,
20:26
right?
20:27
Because if I if I keep the focus on you and what I perceive as
20:32
you doing wrong, I then don't have to take my part of it. I
20:36
don't have to own my own bullshit. I don't have to own my
20:39
own, you know, my own piece of it, where the responsibility
20:42
lies. So if if I keep the focus on you, I feel like like I get
20:46
to be the superior one, and the ego mind loves this. It just
20:50
loves to be special, and it will make you special by either being
20:53
superior or shittier. That's what it does, right? You get to
20:56
be special because you're so great, or don't people know how
21:00
bad you have it, right? But if we take the focus off of them
21:04
and we keep the focus on our own journey, our own work, our own
21:08
development, our own spiritual growth, our own change, right?
21:11
Evolution of change because we're always usually changing,
21:16
right? That's usually the one consistent thing is that there's
21:19
change. Now, sometimes I get it. People do get stuck, and they
21:22
get stuck for long periods of time. But it's not for us to
21:26
drag people out of their positions. They have to want to
21:30
change on some level, or it's not going to work. Okay. Now, if
21:35
we do put the focus on them, of course we're going to find
21:37
things where we're like, yeah, maybe if they change this or did
21:40
this or change their attitude or blah blah blah read a book as I
21:43
jokingly say sometimes right yeah of course we could find a
21:48
bunch of things wrong with everybody around us but if you
21:52
know the reality of it is is that we've just got to keep the
21:55
focus on ourselves and and that's the thing that's one of
21:57
the scary things about relationships right is we have
22:00
to have vulnerability in relationships. We have to have
22:03
trust, and if you have trust in another person, we have to trust
22:07
that they're going to like when we go into it and we pattern up
22:11
and pair up. We don't go into it usually thinking right like,
22:14
well, I'm going to do all the work and they're not going to do
22:16
any. No, we go in, we trust each other, we create a certain
22:20
amount of vulnerability immediately when we trust each
22:23
other, and that's just it. Relationships require a lot of
22:28
courageous vulnerability. You know what I mean? To say like
22:31
I'm going to go into this, and it can be really scary. I know.
22:35
A lot of people don't like to be really vulnerable. A lot of
22:38
people don't like it that it makes them feel. First of all,
22:41
it makes them feel afraid. It makes them feel uncertain, and
22:44
some people feel weak when they're vulnerable. They don't
22:47
trust that people aren't going to use their vulnerability
22:49
against them to harm them, to make fun of them, like whatever.
22:53
I know that 100% I know that that feeling, but the reality of
22:58
it is, is that intimacy and true connection and relationship, and
23:01
I'm not just talking about physical intimacy and sex. I
23:03
mean intimacy, like really knowing each other, really
23:06
seeing each other, really being able to to hold each other in
23:09
difficult times. Right? That intimacy takes courage, and
23:14
somebody's got to go first, and somebody's got to be willing to
23:16
say, like, I'm going to keep the focus on my on myself. Right?
23:20
Yes, there eventually might come a time when "quote unquote" you
23:24
outgrow each other. I'm doing the thing with my hands again,
23:27
but in the meantime, here's the thing: we can't always just be
23:31
insisting that the other person has to go first. We can't be
23:34
doing that whole tit and tat thing like I did this and you
23:37
didn't do this, or you're keeping score. You know, I was
23:40
talking with my friend the other day, joking about the chalkboard
23:43
in my head that's got the little marks on it, and I make it a
23:46
chalkboard because I can erase those marks any time that I want
23:49
to, right? But I'd be a liar if I didn't say there wasn't a
23:52
chalkboard in my head, and maybe I'll do a whole episode about
23:55
that someday.
23:56
So the reality of it is, like, if we're going to be in
23:58
relationship with each other, first and foremost, we got to be
24:00
in relationship with ourself. That's numero uno. You with you,
24:05
you with the divine, you with spirit. However you want to talk
24:07
about that, but you contained as you, right? And then there's
24:12
other people. So we have to choose to be the best self that
24:17
we can be. To me, I find that really attractive when people
24:23
are like willing to quote unquote work on themselves. They
24:28
want to grow. They want to understand themselves better.
24:31
They want to know why they do what they do, say what they say,
24:34
think what they think, act the way they act. They don't want to
24:37
just chalk it up to you know their history, their past, their
24:40
trauma. They can't help it. It's like no, to me that just
24:43
wouldn't. I at this age, I definitely wouldn't get into a
24:47
relationship with somebody. I mean, I'm happily married with
24:49
my sweetie, but I often say one of the reasons why I married him
24:53
is he is self-aware enough and he's willing to grow and change.
24:57
I wanted somebody who would also like me. I am willing to grow
25:01
and change, and we don't always like to hear it, right? We don't
25:05
always like to to know, like, oh shit, I still have work to do.
25:09
But here's the reality, you know. As long as we're alive, I
25:13
always say this: as long as I am alive and conscious and
25:17
breathing, I will probably have work to do because I'm human and
25:21
I'm clumsy, and I have a lot. You know, I've just I have a lot
25:24
to continue to grow into, and I'm okay with that as long as
25:28
I'm alive. There'll be work to do, and as long as I'm alive,
25:31
I'll probably keep trying. Right. So that's that's the
25:33
that's the deal, though I made with myself, and then I also
25:37
extend that right courtesy also to to to my sweetie, so here's
25:42
the thing: there are going to be times maybe when your partner
25:45
doesn't want to do the work. They're they're not willing to
25:47
do the work. They don't want to do the work, but we have to give
25:52
people space to move at their own pace. You can't get on the
25:57
conveyor belt and stop moving wicked fast and then get pissed
25:59
at them because they're walking along beside you. Because before
26:02
the conveyor belt, you guys were just walking alongside each
26:06
other, and then you put things into high gear. You made a
26:10
choice, and one of the things is is like I've seen this so many
26:14
times in mentoring. One of the questions I often ask people if
26:18
they're patented in some way is I'll say, does your sweetie know
26:22
that you're doing this work? Or if they're a single parent, I'll
26:25
say, and if their kids are an appropriate age, right? I'll
26:28
say, do your kids know that you're doing this work? Do the
26:30
people in your life who know you, love you, you spend time
26:34
with, you have relationships with, friendships, family,
26:36
sweeties, whoever, do they know you are embarking on this
26:41
journey of self-awareness, self-discovery, change work,
26:44
whatever, because one of the one of the things that often happens
26:49
is people start to go when they do do this work, and they start
26:54
to feel differently, they start to think differently, they start
26:56
to change, but they haven't clued anybody in their life in
27:01
for whatever reason, they think they'll get made fun of. They're
27:05
too embarrassed. They feel too vulnerable, like talking about
27:09
spiritual mentoring work or coaching work with me or
27:12
whatever. And I'm like, I think it would be helpful. Again,
27:16
maybe not in every single case people have to decide that for
27:20
themselves. But I do say like, hey, it might be good to let
27:23
people in on what you're doing, the books you're reading, the
27:26
things we're talking about, what you're learning about yourself,
27:28
the aha moments, and again, I tell them like, keep the focus
27:32
on yourself, because what a lot of people do with the wisdom
27:37
that they gain through doing this kind of mentoring work and
27:40
coaching work, what they do with the resources and the tools and
27:44
the changes is they then start to inflict them on the people
27:50
around them.
27:51
And if the people around them have no idea what the fuck is
27:55
going on that you're even doing this work or why you're
27:59
changing, it can become very threatening to them. If you're
28:03
like always going, people have told me this before. Oh my God,
28:05
my husband is so sick of me saying KK said. Well, KK said.
28:09
Well, KK said, this person doesn't know me. They've never
28:13
met me, and all they know is my name is connected to change in
28:18
their partner, right? So I'm like, hey, can we maybe like
28:22
just let them know you're doing this work and that you're
28:24
learning and you're excited about something and you're
28:27
enthusiastic, like you're making an investment in yourself to
28:31
whatever, like you know what I mean? I want the people to know,
28:34
but here's what we don't want to do is then take all that stuff
28:37
and then start burning it onto other people. Nobody in your
28:41
life is going to evolve probably by being hassled, by being
28:48
picked at, by being picked on, by being blamed, by being
28:53
shamed, by telling them, you know what you need to do. You
28:56
start psychoanalyzing them. You start pathologizing them because
29:00
you're taking the information that was first geared and gained
29:03
towards you for you, and now you're turning it on them. When
29:07
you start making the people in your life try to feel wrong
29:10
because they're not on the same conveyor belt, moving at the
29:12
same speed as you, doing the same shit as you, it doesn't
29:15
usually end well. You can't shame people. You know, my
29:20
teacher David Bedrick, who one of my teachers, right? He talks
29:22
a lot about the unshaming way. He talks about shame a lot, and
29:26
he's like, you can't shame other people into to being better.
29:29
You're not going to make them a better person by making them
29:31
feel shitty, right? And shaming them. You can try it, but you
29:35
know where it ends up. It always ends up with like the mutual
29:39
resentment club because you start to resent them for not
29:43
changing, and then sometimes they start to resent you. So
29:47
you're like, you're like, you resent them for not even trying
29:51
to change, and then they resent you for trying to change them,
29:56
and it just doesn't work out. It just doesn't work out. You have
29:59
to let people. Grow at their own pace, and the thing is, is like
30:03
that's how the relationship is actually going to evolve-is
30:06
organically and naturally, symbiotically. Like you're each
30:10
supporting each other and lifting each other up, because
30:14
that's what's actually going to have the relationship grow
30:16
stronger and deeper and more connected and more intimate and
30:20
more trust, that's what leads to that. But not you all of a
30:24
sudden like looking at them and saying, "This is what you need
30:26
to do. This is what you didn't do. Right? Nobody wants that.
30:30
Nobody wants that. That psychoanalyzing stuff. So here's
30:33
the thing. This is the note I really want to make sure that I
30:35
say. Okay, you kind of like I said, you have to give your
30:41
partner, your people, space to grow and to implement things.
30:45
Okay, there does come a point. I will say this: there might come
30:51
a point in your relationship where you have to ask yourself
30:55
if you're looking at your partner and you're having the
30:57
thoughts of like they're never going to change, or this is
31:01
what's wrong with them. Or if only they did this. If you start
31:04
getting into all of those weird thoughts, right? You got to ask
31:08
yourself: Are they just in a temporary phase, right? Are they
31:12
just struggling because they just lost their job, or a parent
31:15
died, or you know they've been having a tough time with X, Y,
31:18
and Z with their health, da da da, their mental health. We have
31:21
to ask: Is this a phase? Is this just a phase? Are they normally
31:25
the kind of person that likes to do X, Y, and Z, or do we have
31:29
like a fundamental difference? Do we have like a core values at
31:34
that level of what mad is to us? Misalignment. Is there a
31:39
misalignment of what mad is, because that's a totally
31:42
different thing.
31:43
If you get to the place where you both agree that what matters
31:46
to you and where you're going and what you're doing is just
31:49
not something they're interested in, that's when the talk might
31:52
have to get more serious, right? So we got to start with that. We
31:55
got to ask that question: Is it a phase or is it a fundamental
31:59
like misalignment of what we want, who we are, where we're
32:02
going, etc. Right? Are our core values not aligned anymore?
32:07
Because the thing is, is that people in relationships, just
32:10
like the tide, you know how the tide goes in and out. You know
32:12
how the tide, the water goes up and down. That's humans. That's
32:15
relationships. It ebbs and flows. It rises and falls.
32:18
People grow. People change. And sometimes they're stuck and they
32:21
just chase their own tail for a while. We've all done it. We've
32:26
all done it. So here are some suggestions: take them or leave
32:30
them. But these are things that I have found helpful in my own
32:32
life because I was sitting there and asking myself, like, okay,
32:35
so when I've been on the the the the conveyor belt and my
32:40
trajectory has been moving a little bit fast, right? What are
32:43
some things that have been helpful to me so that you don't
32:45
blow up? You don't blow up your relationships, right? So number
32:48
one, lead by example, right? It says in a Course in Miracles, to
32:53
teach is to demonstrate. So you demonstrate your new behaviors,
32:59
your new beliefs, your new ways of being, right? Keep your focus
33:02
on yourself. Live, live what you're learning, and let that be
33:08
the example-the lived example. You don't have to cram it down
33:12
their throat, right? A lot of times, people will just be like,
33:15
"Hey, I notice this can happen with anything from like
33:19
literally skincare routine, working out to mental mind
33:23
shift, mind mind shift, mind set shifts. Okay, so sometimes
33:28
people go like, "Oh my God, your skin looks like it's glowing.
33:31
What are you doing differently? Right? People will be like, "Oh,
33:34
I notice that you have like more energy. You know, now I, oh my
33:37
God, it looks like you've changed in some way. What are
33:40
you doing? It's not because you came in and you're like, I just
33:43
joined the gym and I stopped eating sugar and I stopped doing
33:46
this and I stopped doing this. You should do this too. That's
33:48
not how we change people. Live your life. Lead by example to
33:51
teach is to demonstrate. Okay, number two, focus on mutual
33:55
support. Extend grace for one another. Extend that grace to
34:01
each other, right? Try to lift each other up. Don't just come
34:05
in and say, "This is what I'm doing. This is what you should
34:07
do. This is what you need to do. None of that blaming and shaming
34:11
stuff, right? Really try to just focus on supporting each other,
34:14
mutual support. Also, communicate your needs. Say,
34:19
"Hey, you know, this is what's this is what's real. This is
34:22
what's true for me. This is what's going on on inside of me.
34:25
This is what I've been thinking about, and share it with them.
34:28
Communicate it with them. Give them an opportunity to say like,
34:31
yeah, I can meet you there. I can meet you halfway. Or this is
34:34
what my need is, and this is maybe we can do this together.
34:38
But you can't expect people to be mind readers. If you're
34:41
growing and changing on the inside, but you're not talking
34:43
about it with people, if you're not communicating with people,
34:46
that's on you. Like you got to let people know this is what's
34:49
important to me. This is what I'm up to. This is what I'm
34:51
learning. These are the books I'm reading. This is what I'm
34:53
doing. Like let them in on the secret. You know what I mean?
34:57
Um, this is next one. Share what you're learning. But share it
35:02
with curiosity, share it with excitement, share it with
35:05
enthusiasm, share it genuinely because you're excited about it.
35:10
What you don't want to do is to start to share all this stuff,
35:14
right? That you're learning or gaining or resources or tools,
35:18
with an expectation that they should want to do it
35:22
automatically too. Don't share it with an agenda. Don't share
35:25
it with an expectation.
35:27
Don't share it with manipulation, and and don't
35:30
share it with judgment. If only you would do this. The reason
35:33
why you're is because you don't, right? Like people can feel our
35:36
contempt, even if we don't say it. Our energy, our vibe is
35:41
putting it out there. People can tell when you're looking down on
35:44
them, or if you're silently rolling your eyes at them. Do
35:47
you know what I mean? It doesn't feel good. Don't do it. I don't
35:51
suggest it as a way of getting closer to you. Don't be a little
35:55
shit. Okay. If you are going to share, share without pressure.
36:00
Right? Share without pressure. I can't tell you how many times
36:04
parents have done this, partners have done this. They're like,
36:07
"Yeah, I just, I just took my Course in Miracles book and like
36:09
I left it out, or oh, I just took that book on meditation and
36:12
I just left it out. Oh, I took that book on like whatever. Name
36:16
some trauma book, anxiety, but whatever. They're like, yeah,
36:18
and I just like put it next to the you know their like
36:22
whatever, I'm like guys being sneaky and manipulative that's
36:25
not how you win them over because people aren't stupid. A
36:28
lot of times they know what you're doing. Yeah, maybe once
36:31
in a while, like just straight up say to somebody maybe I'm
36:34
reading this book, I'm learning so much about myself. You know,
36:38
would you like to read it or whatever you're going to say,
36:40
but do it genuinely, right? I'd love to have somebody to talk
36:43
about this stuff with, right? And maybe they don't read. Maybe
36:47
you offer to get them the audio book or whatever, right? They
36:49
don't, you know, read like words, like they don't like
36:51
physical books, right? There's other ways of doing it. Okay, I
36:55
got to make this point especially, right? So much is
36:59
what of what's happened, though. This is the danger of the
37:02
internet around these kinds of things, around personal
37:05
development or spiritual growth or change work or whatever, is
37:08
that we all think that we're like experts now, just a bunch
37:12
of pseudo weekend experts, armchair experts as we say, just
37:15
walking around. Bunch of people get knowledge off the internet.
37:18
They watch a ton, a ton of those two minute, three minute,
37:23
whatever it is, video clips, where somebody is basically
37:26
usually selling a product or a program, their book, their
37:30
whatever, their system, their three steps to thriving with
37:34
your whatever the bullshit is, right? And because you start to
37:37
watch all this stuff, then you start to send links to other
37:41
people. Now, look, we all with our friends go, "Oh my God, I
37:45
watched this and thought of you. Like, "Oh my God, look at isn't
37:48
this me? Or, "Oh my God, this made me think of you and your
37:51
situation. That's one thing. But when we start to take these
37:54
things, and then again, I'm saying this twice in this
37:57
episode because it's important. We go back and we start to
38:00
pathologize people, we start to psychoanalyze people, and we
38:03
start to say, "I watch this, and this is what's wrong with you.
38:06
Oh my God, it's not. It's not like you. You should watch this.
38:12
Not, hey, I found this, and I thought it was wicked cool.
38:14
People can sniff your bullshit from a mile away. They know when
38:18
you're being manipulative. You know, they know when you're
38:20
making a commentary through what you share, you're making a
38:24
judgment through what you share. We're all pretty hip to each
38:28
other. We've lived together. We kind of know each other's
38:30
business and how we operate. So you know, just be careful. Be
38:35
careful with the way you approach things when you start
38:39
to move on the conveyor belt a little bit more forward. Don't
38:43
start like belittling, right? The people that you were just
38:49
previously, shortly, not that long ago, walking right along
38:52
beside. You know, if you're going to do your work, do it
38:55
because you want to do it, but don't do it and then turn around
38:58
and start shitting on the other people. I I hope you're hearing
39:02
how I mean this. I mean it in the most loving way, and
39:04
hopefully this has been helpful in some way.
39:08
And hopefully you and your people, you and your sweetie,
39:12
are equally curious, equally want to learn, equally invested
39:17
in continuing to evolve and grow as human beings. Right?
39:21
Hopefully your conveyor belts are moving at the same pace that
39:25
you get to continue walking along beside each other. Now,
39:29
remember, there's always going to be periods when one person
39:31
moves ahead, one person falls behind, or one goes up and one
39:34
goes down. That's normal. That's just life and humanity and
39:38
humans. Right. We don't want to give up on people because they
39:41
temporarily have a setback, or they feel stuck, or they're
39:44
circle in the wagon, right? But hopefully, at some point, you
39:48
guys will find that rhythm, in that pace, in that conveyor belt
39:51
that's moving in the same, right, the same reason, the same
39:54
season, right alongside each other. That is my hope for you
39:57
that they're moving in the same direction at the same pace. And
40:00
you can still hold hands comfortably as you walk each
40:02
other home, as Ramdas says. So that's what I got for you today.
40:06
I hope, like I said earlier, it's been helpful in some way. I
40:09
hope some part of it has landed for you, or resonated with you,
40:13
or gave you some more insight. You know, the heartbeat of this
40:16
whole show is, you know, bringing together personal
40:19
stories and spiritual, universal spiritual principles in a way
40:24
that hopefully can just help us navigate this whole being human
40:27
experience with more grace and sense of humor and just self
40:31
awareness. Right? I always am just trying to spread a little
40:34
more love in the world. That's my goal with this. So, thank you
40:38
for being here. Thank you for listening. If you want to find
40:41
out what I'm up to, I always have stuff going on between
40:43
Right Club and my yoga classes and Thai yoga massage, Right Tai
40:47
Yoga body work, the Nest, my group coaching program, my one
40:51
to one work, hot to hot days, the Quest, all that stuff. You
40:55
can find it all on my website. So you can just go to
40:57
KarenKenney.com if you want to get this podcast right into your
41:01
inbox every Thursday, easy peasy, and you want to find out
41:05
like a heads up first because when you're on my list, my email
41:07
list in my little community, you always find out things first.
41:11
You can just sign up at karenkeney.com/slash sign up one
41:15
word easy peasy. All right, you guys, wherever you go, may you
41:19
leave the animals and the people and yourself and the planet and
41:24
the environment better than how you first found it. Wherever you
41:28
go, may you and your energy, your presence, your love, and
41:33
the pace that you are on your conveyor belt be a blessing.
41:38
Bye.