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Strength vs Strength: Perception and Reality...Where's Your Center · Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)

• 0:23
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Murders to Music podcast.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: My name is Aaron, I'm your host and you guys are in for another great show, the kind of show that talks about people, people, their imperfections, their insecurities, their weaknesses, their highs, their lows, their hiding, their strengths and their imperfections.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: That's what we're going to talk about.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: But before we do, let me tell you where I'm talking to you from.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: So I am actually in Hawaii, I'm on the Big Island, I am at the Waikoloa Beach Resort.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: So if you hear birds in the background or little noises, it's probably just people enjoying a slower pace of life and the little tweety birds that hang out over my head.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: See, I'm here for a work conference and I'm, uh, taking care of some people out of alaska and visiting some customers.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: And I'll tell you, you know, as I was sitting in the pool this week and I'm thinking about the pros and the cons and we're going to talk about some of those in a minute kind of my life now versus my life then.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: And, and I was thinking, you know, I could have done law enforcement for another hundred years and I would never find myself sitting in a pool building a relationship, getting paid for it, having a drink and impacting people's lives in that way.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: So it really just kind of brought some clarity and perspective to my current world.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: But let's talk a little bit about this.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: Last couple of weeks, you know, there's been a couple of things that have happened that have made me um, I don't want to say I guess there's some insecurity, but here's what I got.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: Let me just tell you the stories.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: So Stacey and I were in Chicago a couple weeks ago and we were at the Buddy Guy concert.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: And after the concert I go to stand in a line to get an autograph and buy a shirt or something, and as I'm standing in line, there's a group of people that make their way towards the front counter where this is going to occur, and everybody is kind of hanging out in a large group.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: So security comes through and says everybody form a single file line.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: So that's what we did.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: Everybody kind of merged together and formed this line.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: Well, as we were doing that, this probably 60 year old woman, shorter obviously than me I guess not, obviously there's tall 60 year old women but she was shorter than I and she's like hey, uh, you took cuts in line.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: And I'm like no, I didn't.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: She's like yeah, you did, you took cuts.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: You cut in front of me.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: And I'm like the entire group of people are merging together to form a line I didn't pay cuts, no, you took cuts.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: And I couldn't tell if she was joking or if she was serious.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: But I didn't really care, because instantly I got defensive and pissed off and she kept.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: She's like no, you took cuts, you're a cutter, you took, you're a cutter, you're a cutter.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: And liner, you're a cutter.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: She's like no, you took cuts, you're a cutter, you took.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: You're a cutter, you're a cutter.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: And liner, you're a cutter.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: And instantly I was pissed and I was angry and I wanted to argue right.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: And not only was I angry, like there was something inside of me that was truly looking for a fight.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: I was looking to antagonize this and push this to a fight.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: And as I get more red in the face and more passionate talking to her, I'm like I didn't, freaking, cut in your line.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: And she kind of starts cracking a smile and I'm like you're a cutter.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: She's like no, you're a cutter, you're a cutter, no, you're a cutter.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: So we go back and forth and I have to de-escalate myself because I want to beat her up.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: You know, and I shouldn't be trying to beat up a 60-year-old woman on her birthday who's visiting a Buddy Guy concert, who everybody should be relaxed and having a good time.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: But I find myself in the middle of this looking to fight someone over something so small and insignificant.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: So then her daughter's behind her and her daughter's husband, son-in-law, are back there.
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: That's what a daughter's husband would be as a son-in-law and, uh, sound condescending.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: That's when I talk down to you anyway.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: So she, they're back there and they start kind of getting in on this little joking.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: And I still didn't know if they were joking, I didn't care.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: But I had to intentionally de-escalate myself because I was getting so spun up over something so insignificant.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: And I remember walking away from that situation not understanding or recognizing why I was so wound up over getting accused of taking cuts in line.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: So then, as we move forward, I don't really think anything else about it other than I'm kind of internally ashamed that I allowed myself to get out of line and out of hand.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: Let's put a pin in that.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: Let it just kind of hang there on the bulletin board of life with a pin in it, and we're going to come back to the Buddy Guy concert.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: So then I'm now at home this was last week and I'm out touring with some factory people and I've got to drive through Gresham and I really hate driving through Gresham people, and I've got to drive through Gresham and I really hate driving through Gresham.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: That's my city Because no matter where I go, there's a reminder on every corner about my old life, and I'll put that in air quotes.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: There's a reminder of again in quotes the needle I used to move end air quotes.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: There is a reminder of the incidents, the fights.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: There is a reminder of the incidents, the fights, the murders, the traffic stops, the citizen contacts, helping people, saving lives All of the stuff that I did for so long.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: There's literally a reminder around every single corner.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: When you work a city for so long, it doesn't take very long at all before you start having memories everywhere you go, and those memories could be significant or they could literally be just you and your partner driving down the road having a conversation about something, and you look up, you see the Dairy Queen sign.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: It triggers you, brings you right back to where you were four, five, six, seven, eight years ago and you hear that same conversation playing in your head.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: It's amazing how powerful the brain is to associate and correlate places, situations, sounds and sights with memories.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: So I really hate going into my city.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: But yet I'm in my city because I have to and I'm driving along and as I'm driving I pass the Mount Hood Hospital and to the south side of the road, in the blocks just to the west of Mount Hood Hospital, it's about 10 o'clock in the morning and I look down and I can clearly see several Gresham police vehicles.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: I see crime scene tape.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: I see yellow crime scene tape up across the road They've got a large area blocked off and instantly I know that is a major crime scene, that's a shooting, that's a murder, that is something like that.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: And I drive by and I mention it to the people that I'm with.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: I'm like oh look, I said there's a murder, crime scene, shooting, something is happening right there.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: And as I drive on I'm maintaining my conversation about drinking fountains.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: However, inside I am processing a lot of emotion.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: I'm processing that emotion that says that used to be me.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: I was the one in control of that.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: I was on the other side of that yellow tape, managing that crime scene, putting those pieces together and ultimately helping somebody with their problem.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: I was finding a solution to a major issue situation.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: I was finding the people responsible for hurting somebody else and making sure they were brought to justice.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: I know how to do that really well.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: I know how to put those pieces together.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: I know how to get from A to Z.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: Oh, drinking fountains.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, drinking fountains, you know, I know the sensor on the bottle filler.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: Oh, drinking fountains yeah, drinking fountains, you know, I know the sensor on the bottle filler.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: That's pretty amazing.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, the way that it shuts off on its own after one bottle fill, that's pretty cool.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: Man, other side of the yellow tape, I wonder what's going on.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: I want to be over there.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: Oh, look, there's the crime scene people.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: I know exactly what they're doing right now.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: Want to be over there?
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: Oh look, there's the crime scene people.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: I know exactly what they're doing right now.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: Together, we could bring this to a conclusion and get somebody answers.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: No, yeah, our next visit.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we're going to go visit this school and talk about drinking fountains and flushometers and toilets.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so that's the struggle I'm having.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Right, can you hear it On one side, looking out the left side of my car, I see the old me Looking out the right side of my car, I'm looking at what I'm currently doing, and in that moment I felt weak, sad, depressed, a little bit ashamed.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: I was feeling grief and loss.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: I literally wanted to cry, because it's not that I miss being a cop I don't.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: I don't miss wearing the badge, I don't miss wearing the gun, I don't miss testifying but I really miss helping people.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: I miss helping people in that really, really big way, something that I know I can do in my sleep, and that is the grief and the loss that I felt.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: And I felt really, really weak in that moment.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: I felt really sad, but I got to keep that smile on right, because we all have to keep that face for whatever it is that we're doing.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: I can't let the people in the car know that drinking fountains aren't as important to me as what I'm passing on the left side of my car.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: I can't let them know that I'm being affected by this because there's this shield of armor that we put on and this fake persona that we all wear every single day, you know, to keep our worlds going straight.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: Nobody wants to hear every downtrodden sadness moment that we have.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's kind of whiny, right.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: So that's why I get on this podcast and do it, but I feel weak in that moment.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: So then let's put a pin in that.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: So then I'm going to fast forward.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: I had a therapy session but I'm going to fast forward past that to an incident that occurred while I'm here in Hawaii, and then we're going to work backwards.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: So I'm in Hawaii, I'm having a business lunch, a meeting.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: It's been prearranged.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: They want a specific thing for me.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: They want communication about what my company does and the different lines that we, different companies that we support and factories that we support, and what are our product groups look like.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: So I'm having this meeting.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: There's six of us at the meeting no-transcript and they're like I didn't know you guys had that and well, tell me about the water filtration system and what's what we can do.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: Hey, you know we got a project we can work on that with.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: So this is the conversation that's going on and you know what?
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: So we're having this great conversation.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: Lunch comes, we all eat, we pick up after, we're putting food in our holes and we finish this conversation.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: They are super happy with it.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: It's a great contact.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling good about it.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: I just got my job done, did it well.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: We just built a customer and built a relationship, and life is good.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: I just did what I was here to do.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: As I get up from the table and start to walk away, there's a 74-year-old man, who is unrelated to us, who's sitting at a neighboring table.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: He and his wife happen to get up at about the same time to leave and he and I find ourselves face-to-face as we're both coming together to go down the single path out of the little outside seating area and, with a grumpy stern-ass look on his face, he's like hey, you're too intense, you are too, you're too, you're too much.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: Okay, people are here to relax.
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: People are here in Hawaii to relax and slow down and you're working too hard.
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: You sound confident in what you do, but you're working too hard and it was too intense, it was too serious of a lunch.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: I mean, you need to figure yourself out.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: And he might have not used those exact words, but that is.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: He used a lot of those words and, to be honest with you, I was so red and pissed that he was even talking to me that I blocked out a lot of what he was saying, but the me and me wanted to tell him to F off, and I'll tell you how.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: I know he's 74 in a second but the me and me wanted to tell him to F off.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: But instead I'm like I am calm.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: I said there was nothing intense and I said you just saw me a couple of years ago.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: I was a lot worse than I am now and I kind of laughed it off and I, uh, I said you just saw me, you know, a couple of years ago I was a lot worse than I am now and I kind of laughed it off and he's like, well, it's too much.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: You know, people are here to relax.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: You need to calm down and understand where you're at.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: And he starts to walk away.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: So inside I'm like who in the hell are you to butt into my business?
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: Why would you say anything?
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: Am I too intense?
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: My sergeants used to tell me I'm too intense.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: My supervisors my lieutenant used to tell me I'm too intense.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: I got told to turn my volume down from 11 to 5 when I was on the police department.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: Yet I got my job done every single day and I did my shit better than anybody else around me and I was able to do things that nobody else could.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: That got the job done, but yet I'm too intense for other people.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: If I'm too intense for you, go off and do something on your own.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: I mean, go somewhere else.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: If you don't like it, don't hang out with me.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: You know I'm too intense for you.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: Find a new set of friends and eliminate me.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: That's what's going on inside, Because for years I've been told I'm too intense, I'm too intense, I'm too intense, turn it down, turn it back, dial it back.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: Yet the whole time I'm getting my job done, I'm doing what I need to do and I'm doing it right.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: I sound intense right now when I'm talking because I'm getting a little worked up, but here's the deal.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: That's what I'm thinking as I walk inside to literally separate myself from the situation because I don't want to get into a fight or argument with this guy.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: I do, but it's not the right thing to do or the right place to do it.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: So I go inside, I make my lap inside a restaurant for no other reason other than to give myself space from this old man and let him leave.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: Well, I come back out and as I look down the path, he's now got Stacy cornered, who was on this lunch meeting with me.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: He's now got Stacy cornered.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: Who was on this lunch meeting with me my wife.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: He's got her cornered and he's explaining his opinion to her about how I'm intense and how I'm spun up or serious, too serious or whatever it was.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: And as I'm walking down there I hear the conversation.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: He's like he's more intense than I was and I worked in 45 countries, or he's more serious than I was and I worked in 45 countries.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: And again in me I wanted to be like what is your problem?
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: That's where I wanted to go, but again it wasn't the right.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: I had customers around me.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: So I walk up and I put on this fake smile and I'm like I said and again I laughed it off you should have seen me a couple of years ago.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: And I said when I was in a very high stress job, I was pretty stressed out.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: And his wife's like I'm sure you were and I just wanted to grab her and shake her and I was pissed.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: And as we walk away he's like how many days are you here for?
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: And I said I'm here for nine days.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: Well, I'm here for 42.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: Be a little bit less less stressed, work harder or work a little more and you can do what I can do.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: Be here 42 days and by this time he's getting in his car and he's like I'm 74 years old.
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: I felt like saying you want to live to your 75.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: So he gets in his car and he leaves and as we're walking away I'm pissed and I tell Stacy and she's like well, why are you upset?
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: You know, why wouldn't you want the advice from an old man?
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: And I said, because it's none of his freaking business.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: And he was rude and condescending.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: I said and I just I did what I needed to do.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: And then I'm thinking well, was I too intense with the people?
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: Was I too intense?
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: Oh, helicopters hold on.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: Was I too intense with the customers and the clients?
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: And did they have a negative impression of me?
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: So now you start all this self-doubt and all this.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: You know I'm a failure, I'm weak, all this stuff.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: I I'm dumb.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: Maybe I don't know what I'm doing, maybe I don't have the confidence that I thought I had.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: But remember, looking out the left side of my car, I knew exactly what to do on the other side of that yellow tape.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: I thought I knew what I was doing in this conversation, but maybe I totally went somewhere I shouldn't have and maybe I'm reading the situation wrong.
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: So I'm pissed.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: Then for two or three days all I want to do is yell at this guy and tell him exactly how I feel.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: And I'll be honest with you guys, if I find him walking around I'll probably say something to him, but I probably won't find him, so I won't get that opportunity.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: So I just get to vent about it here.
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: Anyway, let's go back to my therapy session.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: So back to my therapy session.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: I'm telling her this stuff.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: I'm telling her about the old lady and I'm telling her about the crime scene and I said, look, I feel weak.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: I feel like I used to be so strong and nothing bothered me and I could walk into the bowels of hell and it didn't affect me, and people saying things to me didn't have this kind of response.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: I used to make fun of people, you know, when I first started therapy and or whatever, and people would say, well, how are you doing?
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: I'm like well, I don't piss myself when I hear a police siren.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: You know, it doesn't bother me, it doesn't affect me, and I was so strong and just could ward that stuff off and it didn't.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: But now I'm talking to you about an old lady who hurt my feelings at a buddy guy concert.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: How weak am I?
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: I am telling you about a passing, the crime scene tape, and that it affected me and that I was sad and felt grief and loss and hurt and anger and despair and sadness.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: And I'm telling you about that.
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: I mean, who have I become?
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: I am so weak in this moment that these things bother me and that I just can't.
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: You know the old man.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: She doesn't know about this, but the old man, the fact that he bothered me and offended me, and I want to talk about it.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: I mean, I used to be so strong that I didn't care and I would tell you to F off and I would be like you know what it?
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: Just my sergeant.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: How many times I yell at my sergeant.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: When he told me to turn down my intensity, I told him to piss off because he had no clue what I'm doing and he and I scream at each other.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's the strong, aaron.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: Now I'm this weak shell of the person that.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: And then I remembered a conversation she had with me a year ago.
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: Do you realize?
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: I've been in therapy for three years now Unbelievable.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: But I remember a conversation she had with me a year or two ago and she asked me to describe a strong person and I couldn't think of one.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: But I described that pillar of strength.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: I described that person that had their shit together and could just get stuff done.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: And one the one coworker came to mind.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: So I described him level-headed, even keeled, nothing of bothers him.
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: God has stuff wound tight, gets the job done, gets it done, well, good family, and just charges ahead and nothing affects him, nothing bothers him.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: And she asked me is that really what strength is?
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: And I said yeah.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: I said yeah.
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: Well, as we were in this conversation last week, she says Aaron, before what you're describing as strength, that person that nothing bothers, the person you used to be walking into those bowels of hell.
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: That was only because you had the shield of armor on and your emotions were incongruent with what you were seeing and what you were dealing with.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: The person commenting on your intensity was not congruent with where your emotions were, what you were seeing.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: The old lady asking, telling you you're cutting in line the shield of armor deflected that.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: But that wasn't true strength.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: That was a fake shield that you put up around yourself.
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: Strength comes in understanding your vulnerable, soft white underbelly.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: Strength comes in recognizing that things do bother you.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: And strength comes in the congruency of your emotional, mental health, your emotional well-being, your emotional maturity with your environmental circumstances, or when it falls in line with the fact that somebody can offend you, the fact that you are feeling loss and grief and pain, and can talk about it, can identify it, can ask for help.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: So it doesn't bother you, so you, you can become stronger.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: That is where your true strength lies.
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: So strength versus strength the perceived strength that I had for years was a coping mechanism to get me through the day-to-day.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: The true strength when I was in that world.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: That is truly now, looking back when I feel I was at my weakest because I couldn't talk about it.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: I didn't need help.
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: Remember starting therapy.
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: I don't need help, you need help.
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: I don't need a therapy dog.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: You do.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: Little did.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: I know I was going to get a therapy dog that needed a therapy human and it was going to be useless.
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: But it's another story for another day.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: So you know I didn't need help.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: I didn't have any problems.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: I didn't have anything that affected me that I needed help for.
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: So going to therapy is going to be a waste of time because there was nothing to talk about.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: Man, how the times have changed Now.
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: If I have these situations come up in my life, I can feel the pain, I can feel the sadness, I can feel the grief, I can feel the anger, and that gives me something to talk about and it gives me something to build upon to become really a stronger person.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: Because who I was before wasn't strong, it was weak, and I'm still not super strong.
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: Here's another thing she said to me this week.
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: She says, aaron, I hear your podcast and I heard your podcast last week about first responder resiliency course.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: And she said I hear you telling everybody else about strength and healing.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: She says you know and you understand it, but you need to believe it for yourself.
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: You need to take your own advice essentially and it's really hard, guys and girls it's really hard to find yourself man it's really hard to admit that weakness, right.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: It's hard to admit that it's in those times.
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: You can know it, you can understand it cognitively, but sometimes it's hard to apply it to your life.
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: And I thought I was applying it, but again, uh, my therapist I love her to death and she knows me, she's a 10.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: And pointing out these things, and she said not to be confrontational but basically suck your stuff up.
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: Not to be confrontational, but you need to take your own advice.
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: And it's so true Between the old lady asking for cuts in line and the police department passing by seeing the crime scene and feeling that hurt and sadness, feeling the anger on that old lady, looking for a fight, wanting to, you know, not literally beat her up, but posture on her and, you know, make her cry because she told me I took cuts in line.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: How insignificant.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: And maybe you think I'm unstable, maybe you think that, oh my God, this guy's got some stability issues.
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: He's a loose cannon.
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: I'm not.
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: I can emotionally de-escalate myself.
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: I can emotionally.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: You know this is what I'm talking about this whole memory thing I'm having right now, guys, where I can't think of the right words.
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: This has happened as a result of this whole stress and PTSD thing.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: Like, sometimes I can't find the right words, but I can emotionally back myself down, assess the situation and realize that I, you know, I can't beat up the 74 year old man, I can't beat up the 60-year-old man, I can't beat up the 60-year-old lady, right.
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: It's just not the right time or place.
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: But why am I feeling that way?
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling that way because there's nothing.
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: That lady doesn't know my history.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: In my entire life I gave everything for everybody else and the last thing I'm going to do is take cuts in front of her at a Buddy Guy concert.
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: I ultimately let her go in front of me.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to take cuts.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: I'll sacrifice my place in line so you can have it.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: That is my life.
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: But she doesn't recognize that.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: So she challenges me and the offense that I felt when she's like you know, you took cuts in line.
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: What she doesn't know is that I would die for her.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: I would literally, in this instant.
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: If that place were to change and there were to be a threat, I would jump in front of her and take the bullet for her.
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: I would die for her.
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: And she's challenging me about taking cuts in line, but she doesn't know me.
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: I don't expect her to know that.
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: The old man I'm sure he worked in 45 countries.
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: I'm sure he had a stressful job, I don't know what it was.
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: His opinion probably came from a good place.
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: His delivery might have sucked, but his opinion probably came from a good place.
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: Am I intense?
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: I'm definitely passionate, definitely passionate, but just hearing it from a stranger again it's like another slap in the face.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: I've heard it my entire career and every time I've been told I was intense, all I was doing was getting my job done at a level that I thought was really, really good.
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: And you're doing something like that and you get told intensity.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: I obviously have a negative connotation with the word intense and I should probably EMDR and work on that and make that go away, change my relationship with that.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: Emdr and work on that and make that go away.
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: Change my relationship with that.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: The crime scene tape of course I'm going to have those feelings when I go by and see it and recognize that that used to be me.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: The used to be me wasn't the healthier me, it wasn't the healthier me.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: That it wasn't the healthier me, that it wasn't the strong me, it was the weak me and I miss being good at something and I miss helping people and impacting their lives at a real level.
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: Strength versus strength, what one might perceive as true strength, and in that moment they see something else as a weakness.
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: It's amazing how the times can change and the tide can turn when what you once saw as a weakness is actually strong strength, vulnerability, transparency.
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: And, looking backwards, what you used to see as strength me with my shield of armor on was really when I was my weakest and my most incongruent self.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: Maybe you found yourself in these situations, maybe you're the one right now that's like.
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: You know those guys that need therapy.
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: Or those girls, or even this guy on this podcast who's talking and whining about whatever it may be, you know, getting picked on by some 60-year-old woman.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: I heard his feelings.
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: It's not that.
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: Maybe you're the one thinking.
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: You know I'm strong.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: Nothing affects me, nothing bothers me.
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: I can walk into these bowels of hell.
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: I just need to work a couple more hours.
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: I need to work around the clock.
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: I need to work the weekend.
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: I need to take the reports home with me.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: I feel more safe and secure in my police department or in my office or in my cubicle than I do at home.
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: When I'm at home, I'm upset, I am weak, I am antsy.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: I just need to get back to the office to finish that one last task and you get back there Monday morning, you take this deep sigh of relief and you're like man.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: I haven't felt this relieved in the last two days when I've been at home.
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: That's when you have a problem.
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: That's where I was.
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: That's when I felt my strongest and really, that is absolutely when I was my weakest and most incongruent self.
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: If you find yourself there, I'm sorry.
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: I've been there, I know what it's like.
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: Don't be scared of what you may perceive right now as weakness.
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: Don't be scared of asking for help.
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: And then this is where I really need to take my own advice.
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: Once you're on the other side and you've received help and things are more in line, your nervous system is regulated.
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: There's no dysregularities in your everyday life.
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: Don't be scared of those times that you, in this new world, now see yourself as being weak.
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: Ie the old lady, the old man, the police car.
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: Those are opportunities for growth, opportunities for change, opportunities to become that stronger person, opportunities to dive in and find out why did the old man offend me, why did the woman offend me?
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: Why am I feeling sad and emotional when I pass a police car?
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: And then you find those.
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: You can dig into those, you can solve those issues, you can talk them out.
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: You can use the different modalities, you can change your relationship with that trigger and ultimately make you a stronger, more congruent human being.
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: Sorry for the emotions, I'm not sorry for the emotions.
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: That is real life and that's how I feel right now.
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: That is real life and that's how I feel right now From the beautiful sunny skies of the Big Island, the Waikoloa Beach, the birds, the helicopters, the people.
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: I love you guys.
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening.
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: I hope that you can relate to something in this podcast and I hope that something I said today will resonate with you and maybe help somebody.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: Again, my pain is not without purpose.
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: Maybe help somebody just a little bit become a stronger, better human.
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, that is the Murders to Music podcast.