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The Shame Of Being In A Relationship With a Narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, beautiful folks?
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  Today we're talking about the shame that a lot of people feel
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  when they're inside of a toxic relationship dynamic with a
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  narcissistic person. The shame of going back, the
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  shame of not leaving, the shame of staying or keeping the kids
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  around. Toxicity.
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  There's so many people feel y'all?
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  Of course, if you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a diagnosed narcissist, and welcome to another episode of
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  The Narcissist Cold. Let's get it.
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  Oh, I'm back. Oh, hey, I didn't see you there.
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  What's going on, folks? When we're talking about Lee
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  Hammock Live and whatnot, today we're talking about the shame
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  that people feel when you're dealing with a narcissistic
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  person. Now, a lot of people talk about
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  the shame that narcissists feel. Like the narcissist is ashamed.
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  The narcissist is this. The narcissist is that
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  narcissist are ashamed of everything.
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  Yeah, narcissistic people do experience shame.
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  But today we're not talking about the narcissist.
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  Today I'm talking about you, you, you, you, you.
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  There are so many people that are dealing with a narcissist,
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  right, that go back inside of the toxic relationship with this
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  person or they don't leave and they also experience shame.
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  This is like, you know, it's kind of like, you know, you're
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  not supposed to be there like every atom in your body except
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  for your heart knows that you're not supposed to be there.
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  Every single atom, every electron, every proton, every
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  neutron in your body know you're not supposed to be dealing with
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  this person except for your heart.
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  It's that y'all that pesky heart get you caught up, don't it?
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  That damn heart will get you stuck.
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  It will get you caught up. It will get you feelings hurt.
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  It will get you broken. Now it gets your heart be
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  getting in the way, don't you? Sometimes you don't Somehow you
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  wish you could just be like your heart be just beating your heart
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  be like go back into the Tyson relationship and you like, no, I
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  need to leave, go back into it. No, I need to leave, go back.
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  They'll change. They'll be better.
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  All right, heart. I warned you.
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  Now I have to take you out. Don't you wish you just pull
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  your heart out for a little while and just let let yourself
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  heal? Don't you wish that somehow?
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  I know a lot of people do, you know, I know it sounds crazy,
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  but some people do. Because your heart will lead you
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  down this path of despair and that desperation and have you
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  doing things that embarrass you. Not only would these things
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  embarrass you to yourself, these things would embarrass you to
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  everybody else. Like you're embarrassed
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  internally. You experienced this shame
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  internally and you hold it in. Like I saw a video today of a
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  woman like her boyfriend had literally beat her ass, like
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  blacked her eye and everything. She went on TikTok and told
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  everybody, showed everybody the black eye posted this dude's
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  picture showed who he was. I think, I think she posted this
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  picture showed who he was. Like everybody knew who who did
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  it like everybody got behind her.
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  Everybody supported her like girls, stay strong.
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  You out of it. You got you deserve so much
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  better. This is a few months ago today I
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  saw a live video where she went back to that dude that blacked
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  her eye and you can tell that she's embarrassed.
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  She on live like he he's smiling like hell.
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  He he's smiling he like and she like and people on the in the
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  chat are just like girl, why would you go back to him?
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  Why would you go back to her ass beater?
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  And she said, I love him. You can see in her face that she
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  was ashamed and people are bashing her.
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  Of course you know people like you girl you stupid you dumb as
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  hell he going to take your life next time.
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  I hate birds like you to embarrass people like that
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  online and then go back to him. You a waste of breath and I tell
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  people she got some shame in her.
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  Y'all think she just like I'm happy with my decision?
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  No she's ashamed of it but shaming her will not get her to
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  leave. That's one thing I can promise
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  you, right? Shame tends to get people stuck.
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  Shame tends to have people stuck longer, have people stuck within
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  that toxic relationship dynamic way longer than what they need
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  to be, way longer than what they think they should be, right?
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  Shame will have you in there doing back flips and stuck doing
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  front flips on all kinds of flip.
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  You just doing cartwheels, side flips, kick flips, everything
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  that shame will get you it it eats away from the inside out.
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  You know you're not supposed to be here.
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  And this is Yeah, when I'm doing my one on ones or resuming
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  whatnot, this is what people are telling me.
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  Lee, I know I'm not supposed to be here.
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  I don't want to be here. But a part of me, just the part
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  of me just keeps pulling back in the the heart.
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  Y'all see them in cartoons where the heartbeat lever.
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  But stop heart, heart. I'm trying to leave.
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  Nope. Heart pull you right back in
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  that damn thing, right? Your heart pulls you right back
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  in there. You're trying to leave and get
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  out of it, right? And that's why I tell people,
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  just like you're going to feel the shame, There's shame
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  everywhere. There's shame of leaving.
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  There's a shame of staying for so long.
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  There's a shame for having kids with this person.
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  There's a shame for not not leaving when you first saw the
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  red flags. There's so much shame associated
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  with dealing with this type of person.
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  So much of it too. So much shame.
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  Like enough shame to go around, right?
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  So that's why I'm telling people you have to face the shame.
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  You want to get out of it. You have to face the shame.
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  So many people hate, hate. So many survivors I talked to
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  hate hearing the words I told you so from somebody else, from
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  their, from their support system.
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  They hate hearing the words I told you so.
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  So sometimes the shame that you have internally makes you want
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  to prove people wrong. I'm going to go back.
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  I'm not going to leave this abusive, toxic situation because
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  if I leave, I'm proving you right and that's going to
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  embarrass me more. I'm going to experience more
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  shame. And what happens when you have
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  more shame? It leads to you being isolated
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  even more right Because you go back into toxicity.
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  You're ashamed. Sometimes you don't even tell
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  people. Sometimes people have to find
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  out in another way. Sometimes you get so ashamed.
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  Y'all don't mean people. I've done one on ones with which
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  like delete. I'm just doing the one-on-one
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  because there's nobody else I could talk to.
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  My friends hate my partner, My friends hate my ex-wife, My
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  friends hate my husband, my friends hate my girlfriend.
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  If I told them I was going back they would cut me off and then
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  I'll be more isolated. And who does that benefit?
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  They're narcissists right? That benefits them greatly,
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  doesn't it? But that's how it goes.
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  You see what I'm saying? She said, I don't care how
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  foolish I look, as long as I can live for Yeah, it's going to
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  happen. Y'all, You got to battle that
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  right there. You have to battle that said
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  pull the grenade and plug that grenade back.
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  And how he's oh, stay in his Mama.
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  He's 49. Yeah, that's right there.
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  He's just like so many people who said, Angela said so many
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  people live with the shame instead of leaving the abusers.
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  Yeah, of course you got to be careful when you leave.
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  Yeah, of course. Leaving can be, can be and is
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  the most dangerous time sometimes, right.
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  Well, most times when you leave the times relationship dynamic,
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  abusive relationship, they they can try to take your life.
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  A lot of them wills, a lot of them wills try to send you to
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  meet your maker, right. And that's how it goes right
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  here. And Bianca, is it Blanca or
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  Bianca? I ain't got my glasses on and
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  hearing that how Someone Like You ever with him.
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  Oh yeah, I hear that all the time like I see that all the
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  time like the girl like one woman today.
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  Y'all might have saw this video on my other channel my on my my
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  reaction account where she like smart, educated, beautiful woman
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  and her boyfriend the duty she got babies by hood drug dealer
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  ass beater just abusive. Just his vernacular is just all
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  fucked up. He can't even talk straight and
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  they're like, girl, how you this high-powered, whatever you got
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  going on and you with this, this literally this hood booger.
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  And she was just like I was, we met when we were kids and I'm
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  just, we had a kid with him and now I'm just ashamed.
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  It's ashamed, man. I'm telling you, it's going to
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  get you caught up. You got to you want to leave a
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  narcissistic relationship. You want to sometimes you have
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  to break free because just like Tamara said, that shame will
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  keep you in a mental prison and that mental prison will keep you
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  in a physical prison of the toxic relationship dynamic.
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  You don't want to leave. That shame keeps you absolutely
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  right where you are, stuck and not able to go anywhere.
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  Because now you're ashamed, right?
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  You, you got to face it. You got to battle it.
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  Lee, I'm so ashamed that I kept my kids in this relationship for
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  five years. I don't know what to do.
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  I thought you got you going. You'll be more ashamed if you
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  keep them in it for five more. How does that sound?
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  You be more ashamed the longer you stay in it.
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  Now that you what? Now that you waking up to the
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  shame and you understand that you're feeling shame.
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  Now you can battle it. Now you can have a good fight
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  with Now you can push forward and press forward through it.
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  This is why it goes on right here.
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  That's why you got to power up. You were right in the position,
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  man. Like I tell somebody, you're so
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  close to leaving, you're so close to escaping.
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  You're so close to setting yourself free.
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  That's why you have to go. Go ahead and push through.
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  I promise. Pushing through is worth it.
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  Battling the shame is worth it. You ever see those movies?
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  We see the like the heroes running, the heroes running from
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  the monster the whole movie, like the heroes, like the
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  monster is going to get me. And then they did a like
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  something cinematic happens and then the hero stops running and
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  there's like a movie that plays in his head and they just turn
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  around and face the monster head on.
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  They're like, you know what? I'm tired of running and they
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  look back at the, they look back at the monster and they pull out
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  a sword. They're like, I'm not scared
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  anymore. And they start running towards
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  the monster. That's what you have to do.
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  They accept this monster is real and it's called shame.
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  You have to fight it and battle through you.
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  The more you run away from it, the more thing, the more
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  shameful things you'll start doing.
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  That's why I call it, that's why I call it a shame spiral.
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  Once you do 1 shameful thing, you'll keep doing more shameful
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  things, right? The more shameful things you do,
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  you'll be embarrassed. You don't want to talk.
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  You don't want to do anything else.
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  Like shame will keep you stuck. Shame, you got to turn around.
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  You got to turn around and fight that monster.
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  I'm tired of running. You're going to have to kill me
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  and then they go fight the monster.
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  That's what that's what you have to do with the job.
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  Like that's what you have to battle.
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  It's going to be a battle. It's going to be a bloodbath.
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  But you can win an emotional bloodbath.
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  You don't want to be a physical bloodbath.
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  I'm serious. The emotional bloodbath, not
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  necessarily physical ones. So the shame comes from how they
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  wore you down. No boundaries left and become a
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  sheltier, so on. And so my shame was deeply tied
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  to what the church will say. Yep.
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  There you go. Sometimes it's religious shame.
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  That's a good. That's a good point right there.
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  Religious shame is absolutely real, right there.
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  They're religious shame. They'll shame you understand?
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  They'll shame you understand. In an abusive relationship.
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  Be like Pastor Fred. My partner tried to kill me last
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  night, and my husband, my my my spouse tried to kill me last
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  night. Yeah.
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  I got to lead this relationship. I got to get out of here.
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  Now look, I know you, I see you bleeding right now.
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  You bleed you actually, you actually bleed in the church.
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  Try to try not to bleed in the church.
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  We got to get we, you know we take y'all chameleon money and
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  we clean how they have these floors clean.
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  How to get you got to give an extra donation as we have these
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  floors clean. But before you do that, just
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  know that God hates you. What God hates divorce.
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  So if you leave no matter what, you are shaming God.
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  Stop believe so you still got blood on the floor, but stop
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  shaming God. You got to do that.
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  That's the type of stuff that will happen right there.
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  That's type of stuff that started happening.
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  The religious part. They will do that type of stuff
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  like they'll have you if you leave, you leave your marriage.
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  You got to leave the church. You can't have no single heat
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  dens in here. You know, all these with all
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  these lustful men in here in this church.
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  You can't leave your husband, all these lustful men and you
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  got your, you all curvaceous, you kind of thick.
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  Damn. Oh, sorry, pastor, you see what
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  I'm saying? They're sorry.
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  They'll start doing that right there.
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  The religious shame. Religious part with the divorce.
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  Yep, absolutely. You don't want to bleed in the
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  church. The literal proof they haven't
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  read the Bible. Yeah, the pastor hasn't read the
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  Bible. That's crazy.
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  But that's a part of right there, there, y'all?
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  This is what you have. You have to face the shame.
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  And sometimes facing the shame does require you to get in a
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  group of be around a group of people.
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  They can help you face it together, right?
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  Yeah, I do run a support group called the Mental Healers that I
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  don't know if I got any mental healers and I have a support
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  group called the Mental Healers, right?
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  Y'all can find the Mental healers.
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  You can find it at mentalillness.net, right?
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  Join the mental illness support group.
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  There's a lot of people in that group that you can talk to,
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  become friends with direct message.
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  It's all private. It's a private community.
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  Private. They ain't all their private,
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  private, private. Everybody in there is friendly.
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  Everybody's in there has been through some type of toxic
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  relationship dynamic. Everybody's in there trying to
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  survive, and survival is what's important.
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  Y'all Like, seriously? Is that mental illness.net
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  divorce is biblically accepted if there's infidelity.
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  Yeah. I mean, I'm, I'm, I if they
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  cheat, if they beat, if they do a whole bunch of bullshit, you
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  should be able to leave your marriage.
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  Anyway, Like I said, that's why I like the religious stuff.
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  I understand religion, but don't let your religion tie you down
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  to an abusive relationship like God.
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  I don't think God wants you to be abused.
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  He's a great group. What's up?
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  Yeah, I appreciate it. Thanks.
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  The Mental Healers is available at mentalhealers.net.
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  What's going on, Stacey? How you doing?
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  Maybe Joe, I got to hop off this thing.
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  I'll be live again tomorrow for Thanksgiving.
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  I'm doing a Thanksgiving live Q&A tomorrow.
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  Same narc time, same narc place. But like I said, mental
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  illness.net for all things Lee Hammock, my courses, my
• 14:32
  coaching, every single thing is at mentalillness.net.
• 14:36
  I can find everything there. You want to take take one of my
• 14:38
  courses. It's 50% off if you enter the
• 14:41
  code Mothers and or mothers or fathers for 50% of y'all.
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  I love y'all. Happy Thanksgiving.
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  I'm grateful for every single one of y'all.
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  Be safe, take care of yourselves and take care of each other and
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  we'll be out peace this Thanksgiving.
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  Special.