Latest / Shared Light / Ep. 12- Opposites Attract- And That's OK!
Transcript
- JR And Dustie Rodriguez: Good morning, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Shared Light with Dustie and JR. I am obviously JR. And I'm Dustie So we've been pretty feel like, the last few episodes. Yeah. Things have been pretty heavy. Pretty heavy. So we wanted to take a minute and, you know. not all parts of a marriage are as heavy. Majority, think, for us are not heavy. right. And we do think that it is beneficial to talk through some of that stuff ⁓ and do think it is helpful to, you know, mass audiences. And obviously we started the podcast because we both want to help other people maybe some ⁓ light from people that have been in it for 20 years plus. We have a lot of fun too. And we thought we would take ⁓ this opportunity to talk through something that I imagine a lot of people actually can relate to. And that's the idea of... opposites right? We on a little bit last episode where, you know, we are complete opposites in our frame of thinking when it comes to emotions ⁓ and way handle situations. But it's... It goes deeper than that. Kind of a funny way. So we're just going to get into it, right? Obviously there have been some similarities in our story, but by and large they're pretty opposite ends of the spectrum, right? Yeah. In understanding that, we do have highly different perspectives on deep topics, it would just seem natural that we've also got a lot of opposite perspectives on everyday topics. We wanted to touch on that a little bit because obviously we have been able work through a lot of that. opposite ends of the spectrum, black and white, yin and yang, dynamic. you know, just give a little bit of insight on what we've learned through that. So. One of those things I have found extremely for the longest time I've thought it and thought that it was kind of funny to me ⁓ is the idea of bedtime, right? I am one that when it's time to go to bed, it's time to go to bed. I have done what I need to do for the day. It's time for me to just lay down, go to bed and get ready for the next day. She, on the other hand, turns into like a two-year-old when it's bedtime. I do. always have that. But I don't want to go to bed. I'm an adult, and I don't have to. And the irony of that is, and this is where we are also complete opposites, is she loves to nap. I do. I'm a napper. I'm a daytime sleeper. And I cannot. for the life of me, waste my day napping, which I think is why I found it so hard to work nights, because I couldn't ever get past that day sleeping thing. That's story for another day. But it's one of those weird dynamics, because the unfortunate part for her, is that I'm also an early riser. Yeah. What does it say? that you're a morning person. I am very much get up ⁓ go, go. I very much up and have like 30 minutes to have coffee and like wake up. And have seen a very similar dynamic in our kids. Yes. My youngest very much like I am. She's up and it is time to go. My oldest ⁓ is very ⁓ like her. needs... She needs a minute. You know, a good hour to be awake. mean, most before that, it's a lot of grunting. Yeah, like good morning. So it's it's funny. It's one of those things that it doesn't get lost on me, especially on the weekends, because I feel like the weekends are those days where you're I mean, it's your time to shine, right? It's like we don't have to go to bed early. We don't have to get up early. we're up at night snacking, watching ⁓ watching whatever we're watching that night. Not always, but generally the first one to fall asleep. And the flip to that is I'm an, I'm still an early riser. So it does not matter that I go to sleep late. ⁓ am up which again is unfortunate for her because the other thing that find amusing and that we are complete opposites on is that if I am out of bed, she feels that she needs to be out of bed. the opposite is not true. If out of bed, I'm fine staying in bed. You're also very routine person, ⁓ and I'm ⁓ So I I am ⁓ very much creature of habit. I have a very set routine in the morning, throughout my day. I have a general know, timeline of things that need to happen throughout my day. I am all sorts of discombobulated when those things do not happen in the order they're supposed to. you are not that way. No, ⁓ I'm, ⁓ a 100%. I not plan out my day. Matter of fact, are points in my day where like, okay, it's 11. I don't get the kids till two. So like, I could totally just take a nap for an hour, until 12. And I can get up and do like, I still have two hours to get those things that I need to get done done. That's just my thinking. ⁓ I not planner like you. not a routine. It is systematically one of those things that drives me insane. Because even on like my off, it's still very a routine for me. Yeah. ⁓ Like I have general timeline of things that I'm doing throughout the weekend. Yeah. And if I do not get those things done, I feel like I amassed nothing. Yeah. And that drives me nuts because I'm like, But it's the weekend. Like we don't have to follow a schedule. We could just do whatever we want, whenever we want. again, this is where the dynamic for my kids is funny because in sense, my oldest is that way me where she has to have everything scheduled out. She has to know what's going on. Has a general idea of what doing through the weekend. Yeah. And my youngest is... fly by the seat of her paints. She's very much like me. Like, well, I have an hour. I don't have to leave for an hour, so I can play Fortnite for like 55 minutes, and then I can just hurry and get dressed. Right, right. And. It's funny now. you know, 20 years later. But I do remember in the beginning, some of those little things drove me insane. Of course, know, the first couple of years you're on your best behavior, so you're not trying to... But... after a while, it's like... You get mad, like... That they're that way, but... I mean... I mean, can't really be mad at ⁓ person for that. ⁓ That's who they are. if anything, I think you start to learn after a while that you can meet in that great area. Because now I started to. You can in some instances. In some, yeah. In your case, ⁓ you don't like the way I do the dishes. No. No. No. I may throw them in the dishwasher and let it let God take the wheel. And that's the dishwasher's for, right? perspective. Right. So I, I need to pre wash it with some dish soap with some Dawn. Yeah. So she's, washes the dishes before I pre wash. She washes the dishes before the dishes get washed. why I pre wash with a little bit of soap. So I don't put them in the dishwasher with any kind of food on them. you just throw them in with whatever's on them and hope for the best. mean, that's what that's ⁓ they get washed a second time. That's OK. That's why I do the dishes. And it's, it's like, that way on a lot of things in our marriage, I feel like, ⁓ where have very just different opinions. Surprisingly not food necessarily. Maybe some, some but generally we like the same things. We do. Yeah, I can't think of... I mean, I'm not a big sushi guy, but I'll give it a chance. I mean, I think that's where, like, we just kind of meet in the gray area. It's like... it's food. Like, I'm not on having to eat certain things all the time, or, like, I'm open to new things, or, ⁓ it's not that big of a deal if ⁓ wants burritos one night ⁓ I don't. It's like, well, okay, we can... Do burritos like it's not deal breaker for me. And know it's and we're talking about it very lightheartedly but really what it amounts to is you do start whether you want admit it or not. you do start seeing other perspectives that are not your you start at least trying to understand where that mindset is from, which I still don't understand the mindset of not going to bed at night. I don't think I'll ever understand it. I just, always, every night when I go to bed, I don't want to. the fear of missing out thing. think so. Which there's nothing to miss out on when we're in bed. How do I know that if I'm asleep? And there is that. But sometimes those differences you have to adapt to. You know, I'm a very, I like to sleep in a very cold climate, very cold room. If I could sleep in a, you know, in a freezer, I would. And I'm always freezing. Right. But and I'm one of those people that has to have a fan running. It does not matter if it's 30 below. have to have the fan running. I need the movement of air, need the sound, I need it all to just be able to drown out everything that's going on in the brain. But over the years, ⁓ say for the first, you fought the good fight for the first 10-ish plus years, but think you eventually got to the point where it was like you're not gonna fight it anymore, and now you also. need the fan running. Yeah, 20 years later. But I think a little bit we compromised because you used to have to have the window open as well. I did. I did. Even if it was 10 degrees outside. I did. And so we don't have the window open anymore. And some of that is because I pay my own gas bill now. That's true. Which I did then too, but I guess it's different now, I guess. I don't know. I got kids and I feel bad that they get colds. yes, now I need the fan on, because it gets so hot in here. But it's one of those little things ⁓ I think over time you learn to understand that there some benefits to. Like even us, we have a lot of things that are completely opposite. but that in certain situations that actually helps us in the long run. when it comes down to perspective, situations, that that I may to one way or she react to one way and we're able to play of each other's strengths. Yeah, because we always communicate about it. So it helps, again, it helps to have that full encompassing view of a situation. Yeah, I feel like we run into it a lot with our kids just in parenting because your views and perceptions are different than mine. Well, and I'm very black and white when it comes to a lot of things. Yeah. And so... You see things differently than I do on, you know, how we should raise them or how we should, you know, what schools versus homeschooling public school, know, and we've had to really communicate about those things and out solution. ⁓ Yeah, I even though we don't always agree. We still don't agree on the schooling. You know, like you're adamant that they'll be in public school or in school, ⁓ I'm adamant that they should still be homeschooled. So like we don't agree on it, but they're in. We've homeschool ⁓ and they're in school. So I mean, we've had to. Well, and I think, and it's not even so much for me, it's not even so much the schooling. Cause I think getting schooled at home can actually probably be more beneficial. It's kind of everything else that comes to school, which this is again, where we differ. She sees the, the negative that can come from school. I also see all the positives that come from them being able to interact at school. So. And it has been, it's been a compromise. mean, they did homeschooling for, gosh, for... until they were in second or third grade, at least. And we still have situations where we think that maybe it would be better if they were in homeschool, but. I think that that is the, again, back to the dynamic where I think I have one child that would be devastated if she left public school. And we have another one that would thrive being out there. So it's... It's good to understand that even though you have a lot of those opposite views and perspectives. you know, even though she keeps a hundred browser tabs open, that drives me insane. I can only be working in one or two. But it's my computer, my tabs. don't have to work on it. But it, well, and that's the whole thing. ⁓ right, I do not have to worry about it. But like that whole notification thing, like where you can have 500 notifications on your phone, and I can't have one because it just eats at the back of my brain. I can't. On my home screen, I can't have any of the red. I can't, ⁓ I open my phone and I can see it, ⁓ gotta go away. ⁓ if I swipe over and they're there, whatever. Doesn't bother me. ⁓ And it's... What is it called? That's a quirk? Yeah, little quirks. I think everybody has little quirks that drive each other crazy. I don't. I don't have quirks. You have quirks. You definitely have quirks. But I think overall, sometimes the- opposites can make situations better. Like for you, you're always looking at big picture and I obsess over details. But together, I mean, we're covered. Like you've got the next five, 10 years covered as a big picture and I've got all the details in between covered. So I think in a lot of situations, like that opposite actually helps us. again, it's that dynamic that you have to be able to, ⁓ good to have somebody that you can bounce that off of. ⁓ You know, not even just in a marriage, but just in life. Like, it's good to have people with opposite perspectives of your own because it challenges your own thinking. Yeah. ⁓ constantly learning. Like I still feel like us 20 years later in our conversations. I not even a hard conversation, it's just regular normal everyday conversations. We're learning new ways to something or new thought presses regarding ⁓ whatever the is, you know, ⁓ a new You really see it like us, it really manifests, and the way we talked about last episode, is that whole emotional, logical frame of mind. I mean, when it gets hard, I feel like that's a tough dynamic to overcome, but when it, it's not hard and it's a situation that is not difficult in that it is, you know, something that we're excited about having contrasting frame of references and ideologies actually benefits the situation because we're able to a lot more of the picture. Yeah, it's like brainstorming. Right, right. And you know, take this podcast. It was one of those things where it was for her very emotionally driven. And for me, it was very, again, I'm value add, right? How, how is this adding value? How is this doing this? So it was very good to have we started, you know, engaging and talking and, not even necessarily like, we have to do this, but you know, just brainstorming and talking about it. It really turned into the, one of those things where I could understand, okay, well like I may not see. like a logical sense of value, like monetary value or like that. But there is some value there because ⁓ the emotional side of things, like we're gonna be able to connect with people that through other means we just wouldn't have been able to connect with. So it really does help you. get better and grow. me, ⁓ I that is my biggest today is, you what am I doing today to get better for tomorrow? ⁓ I'm always constantly at what ⁓ one thing can do today to ensure that tomorrow is better than today was. Which I know drives her crazy because she's not necessarily always that way. Well, sometimes I'm just trying to get through today. Right. I'm not worried about tomorrow. ⁓ is. ⁓ It is good for you though. And that's one of those things that I say it's good to have that conflicting and contrasting mindset because we were in of the same mindset, then it would just be two of us trying to get through the day. Right. Yeah. and I'm not saying that it's bad to connect with people that are the same mindset as you obviously that those commonalities and those things that you have in common are the drivers a lot of friendships that develop. for us, we do a lot of things in common and we do have a lot of shared goals and a lot of shared experiences and like I mentioned, we are much of the same wavelength. that we are opposite sides of that wavelength. Yeah, we still have differences. which, know, when you think about it, it, it, ⁓ think it's probably one of the, the, the biggest drivers for why we have had the relationship that we've had for 20 years. I mean, I think, I think it creates balance in a relationship ⁓ you differ and when you have different perspectives ⁓ you know, one person's way up here and the other person's way down here and you can kind of balance that out with, you know, whatever situation or whatever topic it is or you're going through, ⁓ know, you're, you're going to have in your marriage ⁓ in your relationship differences, no matter what it is, whether it's happy, sad, you know, deep, not deep, like the dishwasher. You're gonna have And I only bring up the dishwasher, because I think ⁓ the time I've been married, I have washed dishes. I could probably count on two hands ⁓ the of times that I've done dishes. ⁓ Two ⁓ Yeah, mean, maybe a few more than that. Less? ⁓ Okay. Anyways, will discount that it has not been very many times, but the reason for that is because I get in trouble every time that I do the dishes. And I have flooded the house twice. That's the other reason you don't do dishes. Well, I can't stand the thought and feel of on my hands ⁓ it's... Yeah. throw up. Yeah, I can't handle it. I can't handle it. It's one of those... It's one of those... It's one of those quirks, I guess, that I can't food particles on my hands when they're like... It just grosses me out. Just think about it. that's okay. I got it covered. be fair, if a bear ever attacked the house, I would jump in and ⁓ it. True. I would not. So, I mean, I got that going for me. I probably be mauled to death, but that's all right. I would go down fighting. Give you and the kids a chance to run away. Right. You the bears, I do the dishes. Again, ⁓ it's about able understand that... the differences and opposite opposite ends of thinking actually end up building resilience over time. It gives you, you know, opportunities like this where we just get to sit and talk about and joke about the fact that I don't do dishes. Yeah. I mean, it doesn't always have to be a negative thing that you differ. It does not. It does not. I also... We never had a dishwasher growing up, so. fine if you don't do the dishes. I'm with it. Your kids doing dishes. I don't understand why. Well, guess one of them likes to be oldest is just like you. She'll throw up. Yeah. So again, it's about finding balance and it's about being able to enjoy the differences that you have with each other, honestly. don't think that we would have the fun that we have if we didn't have a lot of those... those differences that we have. over time, some of those differences have been able to ⁓ You know, you eventually get to a point where you, stop fighting, the, the, opposite end of the spectrum and just kind of give into it. Right. Yeah. I mean, a lot of them just aren't important enough to. Well, you, I think you start enjoying things that, that Like for you, know, I have my secret shame. I do have a secret shame. I- Which is now my secret shame. You know, we are wrestling fans, WWE Which that was my secret shame for a long time. And it's something that she fought for a really long time, did not like it. I don't like it for a long time. But it was one of those things. Eventually you just give up and- You kind of see what the, the gist of everything is and you end up, you end up learning something that you like something new. Yeah. I mean, I just was like, he enjoys it. I'll give it a chance. ⁓ I'll enjoy it too. And even if I don't, I still going to spend time with you ⁓ it instead of me off doing something else. But now I love it. I feel like ⁓ that way, right? It gives you the opportunity to see and try things that you might not have been willing to try any other way. Yeah. And just might change your perception on it. Yeah. And that's the most important, is that it gives the opportunity to grow together. Yeah. And it might, you know, some things like WWE were differences and now not. Right? No longer a difference. longer something we don't agree on. And I guess that's the other thing too though, is that there's always going to be those differences that you're really just never going to agree on. Like I'm never going to agree that my house should be over 72 degrees. And I'm never gonna agree that it should be 60. not gonna happen. It's funny now, that was actually kind of a, it was a point of contention there for a little bit. the the house too cold or ⁓ keeping hot. see I'm a, I'm a person that gets hot and gets angry. So I don't ever want it hot. Heat brings out the anger. just always cold. So I don't want to be cold 24-7. I want to come into my house and be warm. Well, we've got blankets and sweaters and jackets. It's easier to layer up than it is to remove layers when you're a big guy like me. just want to agree it's always going to be the difference and that's okay. But of the bigger topics too, like you just are never ⁓ probably to agree on. Yeah. And I mean, that's the thing that I think. And it can get heavy. there's situations where your perspectives are not going to align just it's your perspective. Everybody's to their perspective. There's nothing wrong with it. And I know that there will be some people that could argue that some perspectives are wrong. I don't ⁓ necessarily feel way, regardless of. you know what that perspective is. Yeah, I may not agree with the ideologies and some of the outcomes that come from those perspectives, but they're still entitled to those perspectives for whatever reason. You're not always going to agree and it's not always going to be. being able to joke around about it. but that does not mean. Did I care any less about her that I love her any less that. Like it's just not something that is a sticking point It's just, okay. mean, this is what it is. a lot of things just aren't important enough that it's like, I need you to agree with me. I need you to see my perspective on ⁓ It's okay to have your own. And I think that's, I mean, I've talked about it before. That's where the ego part takes place, takes over, right? Is do get to a point where, ⁓ when you're like in a heated conversation, a heated argument, like want the other person to understand your perspective. Your perspective is the one that matters. Like it really, it matters to you. doesn't necessarily matter to the other person. I think that gets hard for me, especially in hard conversations when we do disagree on heavier things because I have a lot emotions behind it. So it's like, I can't just see it sometimes as like, he can't see it because he has his own perspective and you know, we just agree to disagree because I have so many emotions behind it that I'm just like, I can really start to just think about like, he doesn't get me, he doesn't understand me, he doesn't, you know. Yeah, I mean you start going down that rabbit hole of that. those emotions are telling you. you know, as much even as I try sometimes, it's like, I just don't understand it because I'm not an emotional guy like that. it's not like you said, that's okay. I don't love you any less because of that, because you can't see or understand my perspective in that moment or whatever. You know, it's just, we're just at a point now. I think that we're just, we're okay agreeing to disagree. It's OK sometimes. It is. It is. It is. ⁓ there's a lot of things that I probably will never understand and will never agree with. that does not. I mean, I also want to be very honest. That also does not mean that we are always able to communicate that way. No. ⁓ I we have moments, though. We do not approach things from the light and we, like for me, my ego really does take, like no, you really need to understand my side of it. Yeah. like my emotions too. And it's. It's still one of those things. It's again, it's, it's, constantly working for a better outcome tomorrow. Yeah. well, I think when those, for me anyway, when those situations do come up and we're able to see each other's or see eye eye on something, that's really where you just agree to disagree and say, light is more important to me in that moment than you seeing my perspective. You know, like I have to take a step back and say like, it's okay, ⁓ does not, he's more important to me and his light and ⁓ relationship and love is more important than this certain situation that we do not agree on. You know, sometimes you're... in the heat of it and you can't always see that. So I really try to just like take a step back out of it and be like, is this, yes it's heated, yes it's important in the moment because of emotion or whatever, but overall the big picture, is it important? It's more important than our marriage. It's not more important than, you know. Right. And I guess that's where they tell you, right? ⁓ Is this going to matter in five years? Yeah. Is this going to matter in five minutes? Is it going to matter in five hours? Yeah, and most of the time it does not. Right. So it's like, why are you arguing anyway? I don't want to discount that, you know, You still have, you're still going to have those moments that aren't a ray of sunshine all the time. But to your point, I mean, that's okay. That's part of life and that's part of with another person and the effort into ⁓ something we both value. I don't think anybody would argue that both ⁓ really value our and what doing to ⁓ get some of the that we have. with each other and it's been a long road. And even through a lot of the differences that we have had, mean, it's because of those differences that. we have been able to come out the other side of a lot of these these dark moments. in light you the good thing about having that that opposite perspective is that the reality is is like when I'm arguing from the dark or, or I'm in my ego or I'm in my feelings or I'm trying to logically get my point across like. she sees my light and the same goes for me. Like when she's really struggling, it's we are able to have that yin and yang effect with each other that, ⁓ mean, ⁓ rare that we're both, ⁓ it does happen, I'm not saying it doesn't, but it's rare that we're both in that moment where it gets so heated that it's. And a lot of that I think is because we have been able accept each differences and accept that aren't always gonna, our views aren't always gonna align as much as we want them to. No. And I think we just, like I see. ⁓ you than I see the difference. ⁓ know, and I think that's important. know, don't see you as... the difference. Does that make sense? Yeah. it's, it's, not seeing the action. You're seeing the person behind the action or behind the thought or behind whatever. which that, that I think is what, what is most important ⁓ in all these situations is that even though it her insane that I don't know how to load a dishwasher. I mean, she still sees me. pays for the dishes and he pays for the food that goes on it. we ⁓ Balance, So... You know, we really just wanted to take some time with everybody and, ⁓ you know, talk through some important topics. ⁓ I do feel, I do feel that, you know, being able to recognize the, the, that you have ⁓ with, you're in a relationship with, with whoever you're close with, you know, your friends, your, your, your coworkers, your, your, you know, family. It's okay to have those differences. And a lot of the times you'll find that those differences are what really your relationship what it is. Yeah. ⁓ you grow. ⁓ you know, with that, I do want to wish everybody a blessed week. Keep sharing your light with others and ⁓ you the next one.