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What to Do When Narcissists Project Their Drama on to You · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

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  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
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  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
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  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's start the show.
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  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
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  SPEAKER_01: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
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  SPEAKER_01: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
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  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
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  SPEAKER_00: Hi there and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
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  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, I want to say thank you.
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  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for taking some time out of your day to just spend with me for these next eight to ten minutes or so.
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  SPEAKER_00: And today I want to tackle the topic of narcissistic projection.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's about blame shame, it's blame shifting.
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  SPEAKER_00: So let me ask you this.
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  SPEAKER_00: How many times have you heard somebody in your life, partners, parents, other people say something like it's not me.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's your fault.
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  SPEAKER_00: Or I didn't do that.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's how you're interpreting it.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's a form of projection, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: That's a perfor that's a that's a form of projecting something onto you because there's this idea that they don't want to necessarily get blamed.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying every single time that somebody has said that to you, it was narcissistic projection.
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  SPEAKER_00: However, I want to talk about narcissistic projection.
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  SPEAKER_00: When people who have narcissistic tendencies or actually have NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, they often use projection as a way to protect themselves.
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  SPEAKER_00: They often will attribute their own negative and unwanted feelings or traits or mistakes, behaviors onto somebody else because they're not willing or unable.
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  SPEAKER_00: They're unable a lot of times to even acknowledge that these issues exist.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that projection makes the communication with the narcissist almost impossible.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because what happens is that they get so caught up in blaming the other person, you in this instance, uh, that it makes it impossible to have any discussion with them about what like the underlying concern.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because what happens is there's an underlying concern, but they're so busy projecting some type of blame, which is like a level above, and so you don't actually get to the thing that you need to talk about with this person.
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  SPEAKER_00: And narcissists, I mean, one of the questions that I'm often asked is like, why do they even do this?
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  SPEAKER_00: There's so many individuals who are trying to make sense out of how the this type of person or the somebody with these really embedded traits, why they they prov they you know carry themselves the way they do.
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  SPEAKER_00: And with projection, it's a way that they actually are protecting themselves, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: When they project onto the other person, that's a part of them that's projecting them, or uh protecting them, excuse me, from potential harm, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: That's the part of them that's prote protecting them from that self-reflection so that they can remain in that uh in their version of self-esteem, in their version of how they see themselves, because they can't truly deal with those feelings of that they're carrying underneath, those feelings of shame or that those feelings of self-criticism or unworthiness.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so when they have this exaggerated sense of superiority or inflated self-image, which is what we're talking about when we're dealing with somebody who has a narcissistic trait or personality, they really actually truly believe that they are better than or that they're entitled to.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so when they have these tendencies, even though it's stemming from a sense of insecurity, you know, even though that's what most research that that's out there has said is that a lot of narcissists actually have a really deep-seated sense of low self-esteem.
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  SPEAKER_00: But it's because that they it has been covered up into this inflated sense of self that when they're when they feel threatened by any type of shame or any type of inadequacy or any type of um error that they've made, they'll go into this place of projection.
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  SPEAKER_00: And the truth is a lot of them don't even know that they're doing it, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: It's a subconscious response because they're so deeply devoted to this, to their self-esteem.
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  SPEAKER_00: They're so deeply devoted to their maintaining that sense of superiority.
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  SPEAKER_00: Again, this is from a subconscious level, they don't actually know that they're projecting onto the other person.
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  SPEAKER_00: They just that they truly believe that the other person is to blame.
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  SPEAKER_00: And projection as a whole, right, is a defense mechanism.
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  SPEAKER_00: Um, according to Freud, for instance, it was the, you know, the human personality, according to Freud, has three parts the id, the ego, and the superego, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: The id is the instinct-driven, primitive, impulsive part of the human psyche.
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  SPEAKER_00: It strives for immediate satisfaction of basic drives and needs, doesn't consider social norms.
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  SPEAKER_00: The superego represents the internalized ethical and moral standards.
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  SPEAKER_00: It acts as the conscience and often leads to guilt and shame when our behavior will conflict with those standards.
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  SPEAKER_00: And then, of course, the ego is the mediator between the demands of both.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it employs this variety of defense mechanisms to maintain a balance between the impulses of the id and the moral constraints of the superego, essentially to protect itself.
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  SPEAKER_00: So what ends up happening with narcissistic projection, it is a defense mechanism.
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  SPEAKER_00: So even though it's used oftentimes as a delip a deliberate manipulation strategy strategy, narcissistic projection does act as a defense mechanism because it's helping that narcissist, it's helping that person with narcissistic tendencies protect their self-esteem and to maintain that image of self.
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  SPEAKER_00: And by attributing their unwanted feelings and traits and behaviors, they don't have to acknowledge their own, their own self, where it's coming up for themselves.
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  SPEAKER_00: And at the roots of most narcissistic personalities is like I said before, there's this underlying sense of shame, this underlying fragile ego, this underlying uh sense of being flawed and insecurities and those feelings.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so there's just this deep need to protect that self-image.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so when someone constantly projects their own flaws and mistakes onto you, it can actually lead to not just frustration or resentment and distrust, but it actually can, when people are exposed to that over and over and over again, you can start to, you might start to feel yourself self-doubt.
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  SPEAKER_00: Like you might start to actually become conditioned to this idea that it might be your fault.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that's when you start to self-gaslight.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that's why it makes a relationship with somebody with narcissistic tendencies extraordinarily emotionally and mentally draining and can absolutely cause not just a breach in the trust between you and that other person, the person with the narcissistic tendencies, but it can start creating a breach of trust within your own self.
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  SPEAKER_00: And when that lack of self-trust exists and starts to take hold, you end up gaslighting yourself and you end up really wondering and questioning yourself on a daily basis.
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  SPEAKER_00: That continual blame shifting from them to you can condition you as a receiver of that to constantly take responsibility for someone else's feelings.
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  SPEAKER_00: It can condition you to constantly take responsibility for everything that is happening.
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  SPEAKER_00: It'll lead you to walk on eggshells, it'll lead you to measure everything that you say or do, and it'll lead you to self-doubt, feeling responsible constantly and measuring everything you say.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that is extraordinarily draining from a mental and emotional standpoint.
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  SPEAKER_00: And we do know that that mental and emotional stress, that chronic stress, can absolutely lead to other physical ailments.
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  SPEAKER_00: So, what do we do with this?
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  SPEAKER_00: You know, when we're in these situations, it's not always easy to just pick up and leave, but it's so important to ground yourself in your own reality.
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  SPEAKER_00: Ground yourself in what you know to be true, staying connected to other people who are trustworthy, you know, getting validation from within yourself, but then also from some trusted sources.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I know that it's not saying, you know, I'm constantly talking about we don't we need to relieve this idea of seeking external validation, but when we're in these situations, that support is so important.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it is important to set those boundaries, really uh get familiar with what is okay and what's not okay and establish those firm boundaries.
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  SPEAKER_00: If you're dealing with somebody with a narcissistic or those tendencies, they are going to push back on those boundaries and it's gonna call on you to hold firm with them.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you would like to talk about this or anything else that you think coaching could potentially assist you with, feel free to book a time to speak with me at any time at coachwithcomedy.com.
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  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, stay well.
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  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
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  SPEAKER_01: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
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  SPEAKER_01: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
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  SPEAKER_01: Username it's authentic me.
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  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening.