Latest / The Wicked Daughter - Caring For Your Aging Parents, One Meltdown at a Time / E020: Mom's Moving In — The House Hunt from Hell

Transcript

E020: Mom's Moving In — The House Hunt from Hell · The Wicked Daughter - Caring For Your Aging Parents, One Meltdown at a Time

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: We found a house.
• 0:01
  Speaker 1: It was available immediately.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: It was in the right location.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: It allowed dogs.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: So we paid the application fees, passed the background checks, and sent the deposit money.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: All we had to do was sign the lease.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: What could possibly go wrong?
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Well, apparently quite a lot.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: Because the house was owned by a corporation, the lease came with 36 pages of paperwork.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: And buried in all that paperwork was a requirement that Dave and I just couldn't get comfortable with.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: So we canceled.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: And just like that, we are back to square one, with mom's discharge date getting closer and the clock ticking.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: But I'm getting ahead of myself.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: Before the house hunt turned into the rental house version of the Hunger Games, Mom was making some pretty amazing progress.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: Her loop recorder was working fine.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: She had some discomfort during the first week, which we'd been warned about, but knowing her heart was being monitored was a huge relief.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: After everything she'd been through medically, one less thing to worry about was a very good thing.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: And mom was working hard in physical and occupational therapy.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: It was paying off.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: She was transferring more easily in and out of her wheelchair.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: She was walking on her leg for about 20 minutes a day, although the rest of the time she was still in the wheelchair while she built up her strength.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: Remember, this was the woman who had been through two surgeries, a ventilator, an ICU stay, weeks in the hospital, and then rehab.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: Progress wasn't always dramatic.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it was getting from one place to another with a little less help.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it was being able to do something that a few weeks earlier had seemed completely out of reach.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: And then came a milestone I honestly wasn't sure we'd ever see.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: Mom could finally use the bathroom with assistance.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: After more than two and a half months of bedpans, catheters, and adult undergarments, being able to use an actual bathroom was a huge deal.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: Back in the acute care hospital, they had to scan mom's bladder every six hours and catheterize her if she couldn't empty it.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: After spending so much time in bed, mom had lost some of the normal sensation and muscle control involved in using her bladder.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: It was one more thing she had to work hard to get back.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: And when I say we worked on it, I mean we tried all sorts of things to help her.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: Yes, I played the sound of running water.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: Yes, I talked her through it.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: No, I'm not going to go into all the details.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: Some things are staying between me, mom, and the plumbing department.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: But finally, we were making progress.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: The bathroom had rails everywhere, and the aides were wonderful.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: They helped her while respecting how difficult and uncomfortable the whole situation was for her.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: Me?
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: Well, I was a different story.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: Mom was very resistant to accepting help from me at first.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: And I understood why.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: I'm her daughter.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: She's my mother.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: Neither one of us wanted to be in this position.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: There's something incredibly difficult about having to help your parent with the most private, personal things in life.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: But I also had to prepare her for what was coming.
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: I gently reminded her that hopefully this was temporary.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: That's become one of my standard phrases during her recovery.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: Hopefully this is temporary.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: I also explained that when she came home, I would be the person helping her.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: And this was one of those tasks I believed she'd eventually be able to manage on her own, but it would take time.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: We had to get through the awkwardness and the discomfort and figure out a way to make it work.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: Sometimes you just have to keep going.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: One uncomfortable, undignified, very human step at a time.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: Seeing her make that progress felt fantastic.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: Mom even surprised people who hadn't seen her in a while.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: My cousin was in town visiting her daughter, so she came by to see Mom.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: She was shocked at how good Mom looked compared to two months earlier when she'd last seen Mom.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: It was great to have some time together, and she can go home and let her dad know that Mom was getting better.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: Those visits meant a lot.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: But then mom got another special visitor.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: Honey.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: Yes, mom's dog.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: And if you don't know, many rehab facilities allow visits from family pets, as long as you provide proof of vaccinations and follow the facility's rules.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: I was thrilled to discover we can arrange a visit.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: Now I knew many of the residents had respiratory issues, so even though I was allowed to bring Honey into mom's room, I decided we'd meet outside instead.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: I brought mom out in her wheelchair, and Dave brought Honey over from the car.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: I honestly couldn't tell you who was more excited, Mom or Honey.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: It was one of those moments where you can see how much a familiar face, or in this case, a familiar furry face, could mean.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: Other residents and staff enjoyed it too.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: People stopped, smiled, and took a few moments to pet Honey.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: There's just something about a dog that can change the mood of an entire place.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: And if you're a dog owner, you get it.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: You know the trade-off.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: There's the hair, the muddy paws, the occasional barking at absolutely nothing, and the fact that you can never go to the bathroom alone again.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: But there's also the companionship, the unconditional love, and the comfort of having something familiar around.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: Mom was about to face a lot of changes.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: A new home, new routines, less independence, and a daughter who was suddenly going to be involved in things mom would much rather handle herself.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: Let's just say we were both going to need some adjustment time.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: And honestly, Honey might be the only other member of her household who wasn't going to try and tell mom what to do.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: Sometimes the little things matter more than we realize.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: And sometimes those little things have four legs, a wagging tail, and absolutely no interest in your care plan.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: Seeing mom and Honey together made me even more determined to get mom home.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: Somewhere familiar things like that can be a part of her everyday life again.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: But getting her home meant we needed a home to bring her to.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: And finding one was turning into quite the ordeal.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: Now, finding a house when you aren't under a deadline is one thing.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: Finding a house when your mom is in rehab, her discharge date is looming, you have two dogs, and the house needs to work for someone with mobility issues, that's a completely different experience.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: I was looking everywhere.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: Realtors, Zillow, Homes.com.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: I reached out to family and friends, and even posted on Facebook to let people in the area know what we were looking for.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: My personal account is private, so I wasn't broadcasting it to the entire internet.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: I was just reaching out to the people I knew locally, hoping someone might know of a rental.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: And we had some very specific requirements.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: We needed a house with a bedroom and a full bathroom on the first floor.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: We needed a location near mom's activities and friends.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: We needed a place that allowed dogs.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: And we needed a layout that would work for mom's recovery.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: You would think finding a house with a guest bathroom that works for someone who couldn't safely step over a bathtub would be relatively straightforward in an area with a high senior population.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: You would be wrong.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: Ninety-nine percent of the homes I looked at had bathtubs in the guest bathroom. Even in senior developments.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: What are these builders thinking?
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: Who exactly are they expecting to use these bathrooms?
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: People who enjoy climbing over a tub while holding onto a grab bar for dear life?
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: I don't understand it.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: I understand for some homes, but not almost all of them.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: We eventually accepted that Mom would have to shower in our bathroom, which wasn't ideal, but it was workable.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: And then we found a house.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: It was available immediately.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: It was a one-story home, close to mom's activities and friends, and it allowed dogs.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: Yes, the dogs had to complete applications.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: We had to upload their vaccination histories and pay a $50 application fee for each dog.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: Because apparently Maui and Honey needed to demonstrate that they were responsible tenants.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: Thankfully, they were both approved.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: And then all three of us had to go through background checks.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: Dave, mom, and me.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: $150 each.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: We paid the fees, sent the deposit money, and were ready to sign the lease.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: All we needed was an HOA application and the signatures.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: I could practically see the finish line.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: And then we hit a snag that neither Dave or I was willing to overlook.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: The house was owned by a corporation, so the paperwork was extensive.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: The lease was about thirty six pages long.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: Most of it was a little ridiculous, but nothing we couldn't live with.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: Then we got to the last few pages.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: There was a checklist describing the condition of the house.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: You know, the document you're supposed to use to record the condition of a property when you move in so you don't end up being held responsible for damage that was already there.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: We'd already walked through the house once, but we hadn't done the actual property condition checklist yet.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: We figured we'd go through it room by room, document the condition of the property, and then sign off on the checklist.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: Sounds reasonable, right?
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Then we get an email about incomplete documents.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: So we called the leasing agent, assuming there had to be some kind of misunderstanding.
• 12:56
  unknown: Nope.
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: They expected us to sign the checklist before we did a walkthrough and then make any necessary adjustments after the walkthrough.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: Let me say that again.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: They wanted us to sign a document confirming the condition of a house before we'd even have the chance to inspect it.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: And then we could correct it later.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: Dave and I looked at each other.
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: Something about that just didn't sit right.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: We weren't comfortable signing a document that could potentially leave us responsible for something we hadn't even seen.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: And the more we thought about it, the less comfortable we became.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: Yes, we had already spent hundreds of dollars on application fees and background checks.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: We'd sent the deposit money.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: We'd invested time, energy, and hope into this house.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: Walking away meant losing money.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: Sure, we'd get our deposit money back minus a fee, but we weren't getting any of the application fees back.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: And with mom's discharge date getting closer, could we really afford to start the entire process all over again?
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: We were running out of time, and finding another house wasn't going to happen overnight.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: But signing something we weren't comfortable with could cost us a whole lot more.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: So after a very restless night's sleep, Dave and I made the decision to cancel.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: And I had a good yell and cry.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: Because of course I did.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: I was exhausted.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: We'd finally found a house that seemed like it would work.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: We followed their instructions, paid the fees, submitted all the paperwork, and thought we'd done everything we were supposed to do.
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: We figured we were almost there.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: Now we were starting all over, with mom's discharge day getting closer and no home ready for her.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: I was furious, frustrated, disappointed, and just plain worn out.
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: But sometimes being a caregiver means making a decision that's financially painful in the short term because you're not comfortable taking a bigger risk.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: We couldn't change the rental company's process, and we couldn't magically make another suitable home appear.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: All we can do is make the best decision we could with the information we had.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: And then we had to figure out what came next.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: At this point, we had to consider the worst case scenario.
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: Mom and I can move into her condo, and Dave can stay with the dogs in the RV.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: Would living apart suck?
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: But at least we'd have somewhere to go.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: It was a backup plan.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: Not the plan we wanted, but a plan.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: And when you're under pressure, sometimes just having an alternate makes the situation feel a little less impossible.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: I took a breath and got back to work looking for another house.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: Because that's the thing about caregiving.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: You can be absolutely beside yourself one minute, and the next minute you're back on the phone making appointments, filling out forms, and trying to solve the next problem.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: There's no convenient pause button.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: The crisis doesn't stop because you're tired.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: The paperwork doesn't care that you've had a bad night.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: And apparently the rental market doesn't care that your mother has been in rehab for months and needs somewhere safe to go home to.
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: So I called our realtor, started searching online again, and made direct inquiries.
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: Over the next few days I looked at several more houses.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: One of them was a house I'd called about before we'd found the first rental.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: The owner finally got back to me after we'd already thought we'd secured a place.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: Funny how that works.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: At the time I wasn't interested anymore.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: Now I was very interested.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: So I viewed the house.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: This house was the best option of the ones I'd seen.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: It checked most of our boxes.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: It was a little smaller, but it was also a little less expensive.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: And naturally Mom would still have to shower in our bathroom.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: Apparently, that was going to be a recurring theme in my new life.
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: We'd also have to furnish the house quickly, but at least it was available.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: So we filled out more applications and got ready to sign another lease.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: I was trying very hard not to get too excited about this house.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: I mean we'd been here before.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: But surely we can get this one across the finish line.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: And then because the universe has a spectacular sense of timing, another possibility appeared.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: My best friend's mom heard about a house in her development that was going to be available for rent.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: Let's call this one the HOA house.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: It had been empty for years, the previous owner had died, and the HOA was managing the property.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: They were cleaning it out and trying to rent it as quickly as possible to help recover the HOA dues.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: It hadn't even been advertised yet.
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: And it fit most of our criteria.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: Now at this point, I thought we had a rental lined up.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: We were preparing to sign the lease and put down a deposit on the other house.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: I didn't really think we'd need another house to look at, but I decided to look at it anyway.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: I wanted a backup.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: When I arrived, I discovered that the house was fully furnished.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: The only furniture we'd need to replace was in the guest bedroom.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: The HOA had an entire cleaning crew working through the house, getting it ready for a tenant.
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: And the place had potential.
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: Honestly, the fact that it was fully furnished made it pretty appealing.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: We wouldn't have to scramble to furnish an entire house while getting ready for mom's discharge.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: But the other house was a little bigger.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: And that extra space mattered.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: So at that point, I thought the other house was our best option.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: I felt bad taking up the time of the HOA representative and my friend's mom when I thought we were already set with the other house.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: But after what had just happened with the first rental, I knew better than to assume anything was a done deal.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: I wasn't going to apologize for wanting a backup plan.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: The next day we were all set to sign the lease and put down the deposit on the other house.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: Finally, I could almost breathe.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: And then our realtor got a call.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: The owner of the other house also had it listed for sale.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: And they'd just received a showing request from a potential buyer.
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: They wanted to wait until the following week to sign the lease.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: Of course they did.
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: Because why would anything in this process happen in a normal, straightforward fashion?
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: We'd already walked away from one house over a lease issue.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: Now we had another one caught between a rental and a sale.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: So Dave and I talked it through.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: We decided to arrange a showing at the HOA house so Dave could see it that weekend.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: We weren't gonna wait around and hope the other house worked out.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: We had a backup, and we were gonna use it.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: We looked at the HOA house together.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: We both liked it, and so we told them we were ready to lease it.
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: At this point, mom's discharge was just two weeks away.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: Two weeks.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you've ever tried to arrange an entire household move while preparing to bring a parent home from rehab, but I do not recommend it as a relaxing hobby.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: There were still applications, paperwork, cleaning, furniture, moving logistics, and a hundred little details to work out.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: I was also trying to prepare for mom's needs at home.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: The mental checklist never ended.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: But finally, finally, we got some good news.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: Our HOA application was approved within three days.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: Three days.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: I think it helped that the HOA was also the leass or and that we had a personal connection through my friend's mom, who can serve as a reference.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: Whatever the reason, it went through quickly.
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: The lease took a little longer to get written up, but eventually we signed it.
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: A week later, we were ready to move in.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: We had a house, an actual house, a place where mom could come home and we can start figuring out our new normal.
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: After all the searching, applications, fees, uncertainty, and near misses.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: I cannot tell you how much relief that brought.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: Was it perfect?
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: No.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: Would I have designed the house exactly this way if I'd had unlimited time and choices?
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: Definitely not.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: But it met most of our needs.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: It was available and it gave us a place to move forward.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: Sometimes that's what a win looks like.
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: Not perfect, not easy, just good enough to get you to the next step.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: And if you're in the middle of your own caregiving circus right now, I hope you get a moment like that too.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be a huge victory.
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's getting an appointment scheduled, submitting the paperwork you've been chasing for weeks, finding the right piece of equipment, or finally getting an answer out of someone.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: Whatever it is, let yourself enjoy it.
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: Because you don't have to solve everything today.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: Sometimes getting through the next thing is enough.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: And for us, the next thing was getting ready for mom to come home.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: Dave and I had no idea just how much we still had to do.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: But that's a story for next week.
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: So until next time, take care of yourself too.
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: I'm the Wicked Daughter, caring for my aging mom, one meltdown at a time.
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: When your friends say cherish this time, you smile while you're losing your mind.
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: Was it the pharmacy line or the rush hour doctor drive?
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: So you swallow that glare with a laugh and a sigh and say, Don't fret, dear.
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: we're having the time of our lives, oohhh.
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: We're having the time.
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: The time of our life.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: Wicked daughter.