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Transcript

9 What Was it All About? · Miles Behind Miles Ahead

• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast is meant to be about the journeys from life-changing setbacks to restoration.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: This journey takes on many forms and encompasses many different stories and topics, including addiction, prison, abuse, loss, illness, and other setbacks.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: The primary message is less setbacks.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Personal, mental, spiritual, societal, physical, and other forms of recovery.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: To remember this challenge.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: This is a message.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: The music is lasting memories by Scott Holmes.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to our final episode of the season.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: In this session, I would like to reflect back on the season and connect the dots.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: What was it all for and what happens moving forward?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: I often get the question, what made you decide to do a podcast?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the idea of doing a podcast came from two different lines of reasoning for me.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: First, I wanted to help others.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: See, I don't know where I would be without the help of others.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: And even though I have most certainly engaged in self-destructive behavior in my life, there's always been someone there to help me get back up again.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: There's also this passion that was passed down from my mother to be of service to others.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: That something has gotten stronger as I've taken better care of my whole self.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: We all fall down in some form or another.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: The thing that is the primary catalyst for us to get back up, as Dr.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Tom Elmore spoke so eloquently about in an earlier episode, is that tiny glimmer of hope.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: So the message that it is not the falling down that defines us, but rather the getting up, is all about others having hope.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: I aspire to be a vehicle of that hope.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Secondly, I have retired.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: The reason is because the love of my life was suffering from a very serious form of breast cancer.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Since we did not know the outcome, I wanted to retire so that I could be there for her as much as she needed me to be.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now it turns out that she's fully recovered, thank God.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, she is going back to work and I am still retired.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: That brings us back to the podcast.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: I will not just be retired and wither away.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: The research that I have come across clearly shows that staying active mentally, physically, socially, and spiritually all help to prolong living a healthy life well into retirement and as we age.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: I have done a lot of harm to myself over the years.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast is doing just the opposite.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: It provides me an opportunity to be mentally, spiritually, and socially involved.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I gotta tell you, telling my life story has been quite an emotional journey.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: However, if I went back to the day I decided that I wanted to do a podcast and got to make the decision all over again, I would do it the same exact way.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there was a learning curve.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: I have some familiarity with technology, but doing a podcast was very new to me.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: It still is.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still working on getting better at it.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that brings us to this.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: If I can potentially help others while at the same time helping myself, then why not?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Speaking of helping others, I wanted to let folks know that I am a prominent member of the We Fall Down Club.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: What better way to do that than to recount my own personal journey?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: That journey, with its ups and downs, twists and turns, and scrapes and bruises, qualifies me to speak on some things, not from a professional standpoint, but from my own personal perspective of having lived through some things.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'll leave the professional contributions to the professionals.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Speaking of which, I have had the honor of having several professionals share their expertise.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: When I tell you they were good, well, if you listen to this season, you already know.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Telling my personal story is one area that really concerned me.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Being vulnerable in this way and making my life an open book runs the risks of trolls along the way who would want to attack me based on that very past I have chosen to share.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: That was a real fear and the cause of some sleepless nights and a therapy session.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: But after it was all said and done, I knew it was the right thing for me.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Besides, if I openly discussed my past before others brought it up, it would likely take most of the power away from the trolls.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: So far, I have received nothing but positive feedback.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: But as this podcast hopefully grows, that could possibly change.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: No matter though, my mission will not be deterred.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully, someone will take inspiration from my journey and decide to get back up from some life-altering setback.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: In the first season, we talked about my childhood, which included things like child abuse, domestic violence, and consumption of alcohol at an early age.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you have not listened, go back and check out that first episode.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: The trauma suffered from that abuse still affects me to this day.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: It has been the direct and indirect cause of many of my bad decisions that were life-changing.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was a victim of a traumatic childhood.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: That trauma resulted in me starting my adult life with a bunch of unresolved mess.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: I lived decades with undiagnosed PTSD.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: When you don't know, you don't know.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: At some point, however, I was an adult.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I was and still am fully responsible for my behavior.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I will again quote my daughter who says that past trauma does not justify current harm to others.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, I and too many other people take too long to understand that we need help or to accept that fact.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: I did, however, because of the ass whipping it gave me, figure out that I needed help to stop using dope.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: I sought out that help and eventually stopped getting high.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: That is when I mistakenly thought, okay, I don't get high anymore.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's all I need.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I am well.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: But for me, living in addiction was so chaotic and all-consuming that it masked many of the other issues I was living with.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I was drinking and drugging since my teenage years.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: I was using a feeling to cover a feeling.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: I learned that if I was sad, get high.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: If I was bored, get high.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: If I was lonely, get high.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: If I felt insecure, get high.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Until getting high became the norm.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Then it became just get high anyway.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: So after I got clean, got a good job, and became socially acceptable, it was easy for me to believe that I had arrived and that there was nothing else to address.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: I had a nice home, cars, a family, a good job, and some prestige in the community.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Many of these maladaptive behaviors were still happening, but I would minimize them or justify them until they caught up with me and I ended up divorced, then out of a job, then eventually in prison and steeped in shame.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: I hurt myself and countless other people.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: The lesson in that is that I have a personal responsibility to myself, my family, and society at large to try to fix what is broken in me.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because that brokenness, if not addressed, will likely cause harm to myself and others.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: So part of the message of the first season is to seek healing and seek it as soon as possible to minimize harm to self and others.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: It is my responsibility to acknowledge that it happened, acknowledge the harm to others and to self, and then find ways to heal so that it does not ever happen again.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Another part of the message is that if you have suffered from some life-altering setback in your life, at some point, or in the case of having been a victim, to as much as possible address how it affects your emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being so that you can move forward towards obtaining recovery.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Having said all of that, I know it's easier said than done.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: I know that we all have different obstacles that often make the path to recovery difficult.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: But my own experience informs me that when at first I didn't see light at the end of the tunnel, I felt hopeless.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Then someone offered me just a little hope.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: And even then, the light at the end of the tunnel was only a pinhole.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Just barely enough for me to see.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: But it was light.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: It was light.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that was what I needed.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Once I saw it, it drew me, and I went after it with everything I could muster.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't happen overnight, but that light got brighter and brighter until I could not only see a light at the end of the tunnel, I wasn't even in the tunnel anymore.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you've heard all of the episodes of this first season, you are aware that along the way, there were some things and people in my path that helped me move my journey along.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: For me, it was God working through others.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what you believe in.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it is none of my business.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: The point is that we are not in this world alone.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: If you seek to come out of whatever hole you are in, there are plenty of people that will offer you a hand.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: The trick for me was to recognize and take advantage of the help.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: And remember to find those people who genuinely wanted me to succeed.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Those people who are truly in my corner.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: The ones who have affirmed my right to be happy again and to have healing in every possible sense of the word.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: The people that have my best interest at heart.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: As I have said before, there are some people we have to love from a distance.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: The less I am around them, the better.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Whether they mean me harm or not, if I am around someone that is beating me up with their words or actions, then harm is happening.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I have victimized others directly and indirectly.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: In some cases, I may not ever be forgiven by those people.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: That is beyond my control.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: I hold no ill will.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Not wanting to be anywhere near me is their absolute right.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: People have their own journeys.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Mine is to be a better person every day.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: I have been on both sides of that dynamic.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: I had an abusive father.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: I have forgiven him.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: The abuse my brothers, my mother, and I suffered at his hands happened over fifty years ago.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: However, about a year ago, out of nowhere, I felt an intense anger towards him.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: It seemed to have come from nowhere.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is over fifty years later.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what I think happened is that because all I felt towards him growing up was fear, that fear overrode any other emotions.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: The emotions were there, but fear was the boss.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Then, because of adolescence, using drugs and alcohol, masking so many of those feelings, and because of all the other subsequent traumas and events that happened in my life, that anger towards my father was buried down in there somewhere.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: And when it did arise, that anger spread it out on the others in my life.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: It took so many years for me to make my way through all the other emotional traffic that the anger at my father had to wait its turn.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Then, after time and therapy got all that other stuff out of the way, that anger that I thought was resolved popped up.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: So again, everyone has their own journey.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness is oftentimes a long and complicated journey for people.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: It is a process, not an event.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: There is another perspective.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: For those of you who are in a position to help someone who has had setbacks, please consider that if someone is genuinely seeking redemption or recovery, your support might just be the thing that provides that light.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: Early in my healing journey, when I came home from prison, I had some people who were beacons of light.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: One of them was a person who was in the midst of moving up the professional ladder.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: And since then, he has become the running back and special teams coach at the University of Virginia.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Just his showing up meant the absolute world to me.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Shortly after I came home from prison, he came by and offered words of encouragement.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Then we went and worked out.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: It was his way of saying I love you and you are not alone.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: We spent most of that day together.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: We continue to be in touch.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: One of my friends in the recovering community came and got me every day and took me to meetings.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: He had to go miles in the opposite direction of the meetings from his house to pick me up, go back past his house to get to the meeting, then past his house again to take me home, then finally drive himself home.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: Not only that, he paid me way too much money to help him rebuild the deck at his home.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: I would tell him that I did not want that much money, but he would pay me in big bills, knowing that I did not have money to give him change.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: Then there was my sponsor in the 12-step program who would let me drive his car to look for work.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: In one episode earlier, I mentioned that my mother's side of the family are the epitome of love and kindness.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: They are some damn good people.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, one of my cousins on that side of the family was the very first person to knock on my door after I came home from prison to show me what unconditional love is.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Small acts of kindness make a difference when someone is seeking hope.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Keith, Trey, Willie, Sonia, and others, thank you.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: You were all fulfilling your purposes of love and service.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: I personally believe that you were God sent.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: So listeners, please know that you can make a difference in helping someone overcome setbacks just by loving acts of kindness.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to give them the world.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Just let your words and actions tell them what others told me.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: God made me, and God don't make no junk.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: How does a felon become a productive and responsible member of society if no one gives him or her a chance?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: They need a job.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: In an earlier episode, I talked with some people who had given me a chance at employment.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: The primary lesson, if you will, that came out of that was that everyone deserves another chance.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: As we shared during one of the episodes, even if a person has never committed the felony, you can still hit or miss what kind of employer they'll be.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, do your due diligence and then ask yourself, based on this interview, should I give this person a job?
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: Simple as that.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Consider this.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: After prison, I was bound and determined to show those that took a chance on me that they made the right decision.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: There are many people who will give everything they have if they can just get their foot in the door.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: They can be some of your best employees.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: So open up your mind and your heart and give them a chance.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: How do we expect them to move on and integrate back into society if we don't give them an opportunity?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: I hope this first season of Miles Behind, Miles Ahead has helped someone.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Just know that you are not alone.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Understand that whatever you have been through or done, so has someone else.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: But many of us have not only been through it and gotten to the other side, but are in many cases thriving.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Just remember that there is life after setbacks.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: Moving forward, each season will have a specific topic.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: This next season will be about domestic violence.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: We will hear from some people who have survived domestic abuse and in some cases are helping others who have been victims.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: We also have someone whose profession is helping those victims of domestic violence.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: It is an emotional, inspirational, and educational journey.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: It is an area of society that does not get as much attention as it deserves.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: You won't want to miss it.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Once again, thank you for listening to this first season of Miles Behind, Miles Ahead.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: See you soon.