Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #441 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#441 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, I've had two adults who have literally been examples
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: of what it means to be in the moment and
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: to listen and hear and understand a little person's big feelings.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: Hello, this is dopor Justin cours On here with Kylie,
• 0:27
  Speaker 3: my wife, mum to our six kids. We are the
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: Happy Family's podcast team. And Kylie, did you know that
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: we're coming up to twenty three years of marriage?
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: It's pretty awesome.
• 0:36
  Speaker 4: Hey, did you know that? Or am I reminding you?
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: I knew that? Why are you asking me if I
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: knew that?
• 0:42
  Speaker 4: So we did you know that?
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: You booked to the calendar?
• 0:46
  Speaker 4: I just said it.
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: If you're wondering, by the way, why Kylie and I
• 0:48
  Speaker 3: sound like we're in different places and you haven't been
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: listening to the podcast lately, it's because we are in
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: different places. I am heading up to the coast shortly
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: but Monday through well through the week. Basically I'm in
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: Brisbe getting ready to sell our house. Kylie is on
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: the coast with the kids because we're making a move.
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: This is the end of our fourth week living like this,
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: and I have to be honest, I'm not holding up
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: so well because you're getting all the good stuff. You're
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: with the kids, you're near the beach, getting all the
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: good stuff.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: Did you just hear that I'm getting all the good stuff.
• 1:18
  Speaker 3: I'm with the kids and well, yeah, they're great, and
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: you're near the beach, which means that I mean you're
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: winning there as well. Meanwhile, I'm in the office and
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: working all week. But I'm not going to complain because
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: we're really excited about what's happening in our lives. But
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: I'm looking forward to seeing you so that we can
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: spend the weekend together on the coast.
• 1:37
  Speaker 4: Again.
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: For those of you who are new to the podcast,
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: over the last couple of weeks, we've had a huge
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: influx of new listeners, and I mean huge. We're talking
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: tens of thousands of people in the last couple of
• 1:45
  Speaker 3: weeks have joined the podcast. We're getting record numbers of listeners,
• 1:49
  Speaker 3: which has been an absolute delight and privilege. Thank you
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: for sharing your life with us and allowing us to
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: share this a little bit of time with you. Every Friday,
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: we do a segment called I'll do Better Tomorrow.
• 1:59
  Speaker 4: The idea is that we review the week that was.
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: We pull one or two learning moments from the week
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: so that we can be better parents tomorrow or next week.
• 2:08
  Speaker 4: It's a reflection.
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: It's about setting intention, and Kylie, I think that you
• 2:13
  Speaker 3: should go first. Oh, but before you do, there's something
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: that came up on Facebook the other day as a
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: this happened a few years ago, one of those on
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: this days. Can you just share what came out of
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  Speaker 3: your on this day on Facebook?
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: I can't believe you're asking me to share this, so.
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: Well, before you do, let's just highlight this is not
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: something that you would normally do and it's not necessarily
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: in your character.
• 2:35
  Speaker 4: But you did it, and you shared it on Facebook.
• 2:38
  Speaker 4: So let's hear this to share on Facebook.
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  Speaker 2: You shared it on Facebook.
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  Speaker 4: It was your memory, all right.
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  Speaker 2: It came up in my thread.
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  Speaker 3: Oh, because you're telling me the story. I haven't seen it,
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  Speaker 3: but I do remember sharing it back in like twenty thirteen.
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  Speaker 4: You've grown since then. It was eight years ago.
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  Speaker 2: I was at the gym one day and there was
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: a woman there and I.
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: This is not going to reflect well on you say it,
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: Just say it because it's so funny.
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  Speaker 2: Her nipples were so that they were just there and.
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  Speaker 4: I could not I could not prominent. I think the
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  Speaker 4: word is prominent.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, I could not avert my eyes. And I may
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: have come home and mentioned it to you. Under known's
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: to me at the time. Our seven year old had
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: walked into the room, and she overheard me say that
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  Speaker 2: this woman must have had nipple implants, which.
• 3:29
  Speaker 4: I didn't even know were a thing.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know if they're.
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  Speaker 5: A thing, either, but I've never seen anything like them.
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  Speaker 5: Right anyway, our seven year old turned to us, and
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  Speaker 5: what do you mean that lady had a nipple in
• 3:43
  Speaker 5: her hands?
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  Speaker 4: Oh my goodness.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, so in fairness to you, like I said, you
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  Speaker 3: normally wouldn't say something like that. But what a great story.
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  Speaker 3: I'm so glad that you shared that. So less than
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: number one to take our message for hour, I'll do
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: better tomorrow already today is just watch what you say
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: bestally around the kids, and know the lady did not
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: have a nipple in her pants. Okay, thank you for
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: putting yourself in there, Klyylie. For anyone who's offended by that,
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: We're so sorry, but life can be like that every
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  Speaker 3: now and again, and there was no offense. Mat Kylie,
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  Speaker 3: what was your real older?
• 4:16
  Speaker 4: Better tomorrow?
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  Speaker 2: For this week, we've had a week of first this
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: week as the kids have started a new school alongside
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: our whole heap of families with children going back to school,
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: a lot of them going back to face to face
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: for the first time in a long time, and there's
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: been some really beautiful moments that we've experienced along with
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: the heart and on day one, I had a little
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  Speaker 2: seven year old who really really just did not want
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: to go to school, and she was really clinging and
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: holding on to me was so tight. We got down
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: to her classroom and there was no way that she
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: was going to let me go. And her teacher came
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  Speaker 2: out and she crouched down to her level and she
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: had a chat with her, but Emily wouldn't even look
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: her in the eye. She was really just so shy
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: and so scared. And what I loved was just this
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: acknowledgment from her teacher that Emily was allowed to hold
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: on to her for as long as she needed to
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: all day. If that's what made Emily feel happy, that
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: she could have the teacher all to herself for as
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: long as she needed her. And then that still didn't
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: make any difference for Emily. But then she said, and
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: you know what, I'm going to show you where the
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: toilet is. Can I tell you? When she said that, Emily,
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: that was the first time Emily acknowledged her, and she
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: actually laughed out loud. And then she said, and I'll
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: also show you where the playground is, because I'm sure
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: you've been worried about where those things are. And that, literally,
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: that one thing, just acknowledging her fears and her worries
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: around something as simple as where the toilets were and
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: where the playground was was enough for Emily to come
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: out from behind me and actually look her teacher in
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: the eye and listen a little bit more intently. And
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: then by the end of that conversation she happily went
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: off and took the classroom.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah. I love that story on every level.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, we've got a teacher who is responsive, We've
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: got a teacher who is patient and in the moment
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: with a child who's feeling nervous because her first day
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: of grade two in Emily's case, and a brand new school,
• 6:21
  Speaker 3: brand new environment brand new people, and she just knows
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: what she might be afraid of, offers her presence for
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: the whole day and says, I'll show you where these
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: things are and instant reduction of anxiety.
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: I'd like to say that day two went smoothly after
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: that beautiful start. I picked her up in the app.
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: It had a war underful afternoon Day two. She would
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: not let me go for anything. We even had tears.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: She just did not want to be at school. And
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  Speaker 2: again the school just came to the party with helping
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  Speaker 2: her to find her brave and it took a lot
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  Speaker 2: longer on day two for her to do it, but
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  Speaker 2: she finally did and I was able to leave with
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: a k and a smile and a hug and I'll
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: see you this afternoon, mum. And it just made such
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  Speaker 2: a difference to my heart as much as my little
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  Speaker 2: seven year old's heart, to know that there are people
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  Speaker 2: who are willing to just allow her to be to
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  Speaker 2: experience what she's experienced and to be able to move
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  Speaker 2: through it in a time that feels comfortable to her
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  Speaker 2: instead of being rushed through that process.
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  Speaker 3: I think every parent is wishing for teachers like that,
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  Speaker 3: and every teacher is nodding the head and going well done,
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  Speaker 3: Well done to the teacher who did that.
• 7:27
  Speaker 4: Thank you for sharing that.
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  Speaker 3: So to take home message is really about it's about
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  Speaker 3: being present, right, It's about listening and parent.
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  Speaker 2: It's exactly right. Our children have big emotions at different times,
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: and in both cases, I've had two adults who have
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: literally been examples of what it means to be in
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  Speaker 2: the moment and to listen and hear and understand a
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: little person's big feelings. And I just it was such
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: a wonderful reminder to me of how I want to
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: parent sometimes for short, I'm.
• 8:01
  Speaker 4: So glad you shared that.
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: Up next, we're going to find out what the science
• 8:05
  Speaker 3: of cholonoscopies can teach us about how we can do
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: better tomorrow. No, I did not have a I didn't
• 8:11
  Speaker 3: and if I was having one, I wouldn't be telling
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: you about on the podcast anyway. But I did have
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: an experience that reminded me of an experiment that was
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: done years and years and years ago that can help
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: our families flourish.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: It's Their Happy Families podcast.
• 8:23
  Speaker 6: US Screens Creating Tension at Home Betweens, Teens and Screens
• 8:27
  Speaker 6: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions. Bye.
• 8:32
  Speaker 6: Today at happy families dot com dot au slash shop.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we're
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: sharing our reflections of another week apart.
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: Okay, So on Monday, as you mentioned, it was first
• 8:48
  Speaker 3: day for Queensland kids going back to school after a
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: delayed start of two weeks with the government really pushing
• 8:53
  Speaker 3: to get five to twelve year old vaccinated with the
• 8:56
  Speaker 3: omicron variant raging across the country and causing continued disruptions
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: to our lives. Because I stayed on the coast overnight
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: on Sunday, so like I had the extra night with
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: you guys and be with you. The whole idea was,
• 9:09
  Speaker 3: I'm going to stay with you for the extra morning,
• 9:12
  Speaker 3: even though I've got all sorts of things that are
• 9:13
  Speaker 3: pressing in the office, because it's the kids first day
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: of school and I've got to be awesome for them,
• 9:18
  Speaker 3: and i want to be there and i want to
• 9:19
  Speaker 3: be the dad who's involved in their lives and get
• 9:21
  Speaker 3: all of this right. And Kylie, you know, because you
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: were there, it didn't go quite the way it was
• 9:25
  Speaker 3: supposed to.
• 9:26
  Speaker 4: In fact, it ended kind of horribly.
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: For the most part, it went fantastic and it was
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: wonderful having you there, and the kids were grateful to
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: have both of us there.
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah, until so here's the thing, just to highlight. We
• 9:38
  Speaker 3: recorded the podcast very very early. Then we took the
• 9:41
  Speaker 3: family down to the beach for a swim. It was
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: raining and it was wet, but this is why we've
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: moved to the coast, so that we can get to
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: the water more and have those mornings together. And after
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: we had a swim in the waves and got dumped
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: by the ocean and we got sand in our undies
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: and all that sort of stuff, we went back to
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: the the unit that were staying in and we had
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: this perfect morning. I made egg and let us sound
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: Wei just for the kids. I was present, I gave
• 10:05
  Speaker 3: them hugs, I helped you wherever I could, and the
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: morning went really, really smoothly until around about ten minutes
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: before we had to leave. One of the kids didn't
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: want to go to school. No prices for guessing who
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: it was. Emily, the seven year old. She didn't want
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: to be there, and she decided to go and talk
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: to one of the neighbors in one of the neighboring units,
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: because we're obviously not in our own home yet. And
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: so I went and got her, and she didn't want
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: to leave the neighbors and I said, well, you need
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: to because I've got to get going and we've got
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: to pack this up and get the show on the road.
• 10:33
  Speaker 4: It's first day of school. And she resisted.
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: And I know that force creates resistance, but sometimes as
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: the parent, you've just got to say, well, whether you
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: want to or not, it's time, we've got to go.
• 10:41
  Speaker 4: And I wasn't patient.
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: Instead, I kind of stood behind her and I just
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: started walking, and my momentum meant that she was in
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: front of me and she had to move.
• 10:49
  Speaker 4: Otherwise she was going to fall over.
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  Speaker 3: And so we just sort of walked, and I was
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: trying to do a funny walk, and I was gently
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: nudging her and trying to play with her, and all
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: it did was inflame her, and it made things worse,
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: and by the time I got her into our un
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: she was having a massive fit. And then you would
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: try to deal with her, and you were cranky at
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: me for making her cranky, even though I can't make
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: her cranky. She chooses to be cranky. We all just
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: make our own choices. But you were cranky, and she
• 11:11
  Speaker 3: was cranky. And then one of the other kids was
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: really nervous about school, and she was cranky. And in
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: the end, I just said, guys, I've got an appointment.
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: I've got to get back to the office, and you
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: guys should have left already. And I kind of left
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: without really having proper hugs or kisses and without really
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: being able to say goodbye.
• 11:25
  Speaker 4: You know that beautiful experience that fits.
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: He had that we shared on Monday, where he's got
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: the note and he gives it to his little guy, Houston,
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: and there's tears in the whole family and everyone's crying
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: because there's so much love. That's what our morning was
• 11:37
  Speaker 3: supposed to be. And Kylie, it wasn't. It was exactly
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: the opposite. It was drama, drama plus after two hours
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: of perfection, and I got in the car and drove
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: back to Brisbane, began the long drive, and I sat
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: there just so frustrated, and I know that everyone else
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: is feeling the same thing, and it reminded me of
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: some cholonoscopy research.
• 11:56
  Speaker 4: I know this is weird, but stay with me.
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: So this is a book called Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman,
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: one of the one of the grandfathers of the modern
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: positive psychology movement.
• 12:06
  Speaker 4: This is what he says in the book. I'm going
• 12:07
  Speaker 4: to read it word for word.
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: Daniel Carnaman, a distinguished professor of psychology at Princeton in
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: the world's leading authority on well being, has made a
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: career of demonstrating a whole lot of violations of what
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: makes us happy. One technique he uses to test this
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: theory is the colonoscopy, in which a scope on a tube.
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: Now this is before they used to knock you up
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: for colonoscopies. Okay, so once upon a time you just
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: laid there and they stuck the tube up your bum.
• 12:33
  Speaker 4: But anyway, this is so.
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: This is based on that sort of work where the
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: scope on a tube is inserted uncomfortably into the rectum
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: and moved up and down the bowels for what seems
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: like an eternity but is actually only a few minutes.
• 12:45
  Speaker 4: In one of Carnaman's experiments, six hundred.
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: And eighty two patients were randomly assigned to either the
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: usual colonoscopy or to a procedure in which one extra
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: minute was added on at the end, but with the
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: kolonoscope not moving. A stationary kolonoscope provides a less uncomfortable
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: final minute than what went before, but it does add
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: one extra minute of discomfort. The added minute means, of course,
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: that this group gets more total pain than the routine group,
• 13:15
  Speaker 3: because their experience ends relatively well. However, their memory of
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: the episode is much rosier, and astonishingly, they are more
• 13:22
  Speaker 3: willing to undergo the procedure again in comparison to the
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: routine group. Now, I could keep on going, but I
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: think that's enough. You get the idea endings matter, and
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: the huge lesson I think from our Monday morning and
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: the ultimate I'm going to call it catastrophic. I mean
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: it probably that's hyperbole. It wasn't that bad, but it
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: still was horrible. The horrible ending that we had on Monday,
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: in terms of making it work, kind of ruined the
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: whole morning, regardless of all the good stuff that happened before.
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: So my older better tomorrow is got to get the
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: ending right, even if it means being late for an appointment,
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: even if it means.
• 13:57
  Speaker 4: Other stuff happening. That's not ideal.
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: Get the end and everyone gets to feel good, regardless
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: of how bad things have been. Get the ending right,
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: things will feel good. Get the ending wrong, even if
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: things have been great, ending wrong, everyone feels lousy.
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: Well, you're forgetting my honey. That morning's turn into evenings
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: and we had a fantastic evening.
• 14:17
  Speaker 4: Without me.
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: On a high.
• 14:20
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: Well, I'm glad that your ending was positive, even if
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: mine wasn't. I could make some terrible jokes right now
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: about endings, but we're not going to do that, missus,
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: Happy Families. The take home message number one, be careful
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: what you're saying in front of the kids, because they
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: might think someone's got a nipple in their pants.
• 14:35
  Speaker 4: Number two, be patient, be patient.
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: I think you actually proved with your story that endings
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: matter because you got it right, and so did that teacher.
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: And number three, just to hammer home the point endings matter.
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: Make sure you finish on a good note, which.
• 14:48
  Speaker 4: Is what we're going to do right now.
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: Thank you so much for listening to the old Do
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: Better Tomorrow version February ten of the Happy Families podcast,
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: which is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Craig
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  Speaker 3: This is our executive producer and If you like more
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  Speaker 3: and fol about making your family happier, please visit us
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: at happy families dot com dot au or jump onto
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: Facebook doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families