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Transcript

S4 Ep7: High Hilarity: Comics on Cannabis 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_04: Real question.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_04: How many people in the house tonight smoke weed?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_04: How many people in the house tonight high right now?
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_04: The weirdest thing when I was like a kid was how much they scared us about smoking weed.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_04: They scared us about it constantly.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_04: And I've been on tour this year.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_04: Marijuana's legal in like 18 or 19 states in some form or another.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_04: It's insane.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, well, all right, don't move if you're white.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_04: It's always been legal for us.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_04: Come on, sir.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_04: We don't go to jail for marijuana, you silly belly.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_04: When I was arrested with a one-hitter at a rusted root concert, I did not serve hard time.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_04: I think I got an award.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_04: 18 or 19 states, and by the way, I agree, it's a very good thing.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_04: But it's also a really weird thing.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_04: Because this is the first time I've ever seen a law change because the government is just like fine.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_04: I've never seen it before.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_04: Like gay marriage and healthcare, we have to battle it out in the Supreme Court and be like, gay people are humans, and they're like, we'll think about it.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_04: But with wheat, it was just something we wanted really badly.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_04: And we kept asking them for 40 years, like, excuse me.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_04: And then suddenly the government became like cool parents, and they're just like, okay, here.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_04: Take a little.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_04: We'd rather you do it in the house than go somewhere else.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_06: I have kids, a lot of them.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_06: I get high around too.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_06: People say you shouldn't do that, but they don't see it.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_06: They say you shouldn't be intoxicated around your children.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_06: Well, I'm not.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_06: I'm high.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_06: Call it elevated.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_06: It's a different thing.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_06: They don't the people who have a problem with that, they don't understand what getting high is.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_06: Like, they think you're gonna be like to your kid, like, who are you?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_07: That's what do you think?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_06: What's the worst thing that can happen if I'm a little high around my kid?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_06: They're gonna get extra hugs, and daddy's gonna be paranoid about objects.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_07: Don't go there.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_06: That's it.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_06: Plus, I have cool conversations.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_06: I have a six-year-old daughter, man.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_06: We you know, there's not a lot a 48-year-old man and a six-year-old girl have in common, other than the fact she's my daughter.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_06: And so our conversations are normally pretty boring.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_06: But when I'm high, I'm like, you know, you call that thing your baby, your doll, you call it your baby, but you know it's not a baby, right?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, I know it's not a baby.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_06: Do you call it a baby because you're the youngest and you like having someone who is responsible for you?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_06: Maybe.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_06: Okay, that's cool.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_06: That's cool.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_06: Give me a hug.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_06: I love you.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_02: She asked me to eat a five-course meal that was cooked with marijuana.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_02: Now, I am not a big weed person.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: I just look like a weed person, and I've never done edibles before because I don't eat green stuff.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_02: And so she asked me to eat this meal, and I was like, oh, I don't like weed, but I like foods, okay, I'll do it.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_02: So we're eating this meal, and you know, I've never had a full joint before, and I'm just I'm just sopping it up.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_02: It tastes so good, I keep forgetting weeds in it.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, ah, so good.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm just like, I don't know what's gonna happen, but I'm like, let go, like God.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_02: Let's see.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_02: Let's see.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_02: And it's like, ah, eating it.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: They're like eating like half their portions.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, you guys are losers, come on! Eating it by the fourth course.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: I look over at my friend Josh, who eats edibles like all the time, and he is sweating bullets, his eyes are red.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, I've never been this hot in my life.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, shit, shit.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_02: Come on.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_02: Oh God, what is gonna happen to me?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, what is gonna happen?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_02: That, of course, does not keep me from eating dessert.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_02: They bring out the fifth course, it's bread pudding.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_02: Those are literally my two favorite foods, bread and pudding.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_02: Of course, I'm gonna eat that.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_02: So I eat all that, the waiter comes over, I was like, hey man, can I ask, like, how much weed do you think I have consumed in this meal?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_02: Like, like on a scale of Michael Phelps to Snoop Dogg, how high am I?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_02: And he was like, Well, let's just say you ate everything.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, let's just say I did.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, then you've had about five joints.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_02: Five joint, people! I've never had a full joint, I just consumed five joints in one meal, and it hasn't hit me yet, so I'm just like, okay, okay, maybe I'm maybe I'm indestructible.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe that's my superpower.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_02: And then all of a sudden, my right eyelid just slams shut.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_07: Oh my god, oh my god!
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my god, oh my god, my eye! Kelsey's dying laughing.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_02: She's trying to pry it open, it will not come open.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like convinced I'm gonna be like a pirate.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, I'm gonna be a pirate, I'm gonna have a patch, I'm gonna have a cool story, I just have no self-control.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_02: I'm trying to open up my, I don't have access to my hand.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_02: It won't reach up there.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: She tells me to like get up and go get some water, so I try to stand up and I can't walk.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_02: And for some reason, I think the best way to help with gravity is to walk like a pony.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm sorry.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_02: Like a calf just being born, walking like a pony.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_02: I like one of those sad dogs in the Sarah McLaughlin commercials.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_02: Adopt me! Please, adopt me.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_02: I lost all control of my body.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_02: I was like a senior citizen all of a sudden.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_02: Chelsea's so embarrassed, she's like, get her out of here.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, you did this! You did this to me, you created this monster.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_02: I get in the car, we get home, it's like a 30-minute drive, and I think I'm passed out.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_02: I can't hear anything, so clearly I'm not talking.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_02: I get home, I'm passed out because I can't function.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_02: I called Josh the next day.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, dude, like what happened in the car at home?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_02: Did I even talk?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_02: Like, he's like, literally for 30 minutes, every single house we passed by, you told us what year that house was built, how many bedrooms it had, what the square footage was.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_02: Out of nowhere, I became a real estate agent.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: And you know what the best part was?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_02: I sold three houses.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: One of my favorite things to do, one of my favorite things to do, I was like, I like to get uh very high right before I go to bed.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like 50 hundred milligrams, something like that.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: I know, I know.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: That sounds like a lot of you weak as fuck, but but the goal is the goal is to be high enough as I fall asleep that I'm still high when I wake up.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then, and then, and then my morning thoughts genius.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I I did this a couple weeks ago, and I woke up and I like I like just understood women so much better.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and like we gotta have more empathy for women, because like, because this is what I thought about when I woke up that morning.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, okay, imagine, imagine, sir.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine we live in a universe where you born with just 200 nuts in the bus.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, think about it, think about it.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: You've been walking around infinites your whole life, you ain't never had to count them, you know what I'm saying?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: You ain't never had to worry about running out.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: You need to have a lot more sympathy for women.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know, they they born with all the eggs they gonna ever have.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And by the time they hit puberty, they body is destroying them shits.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Every single month.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, nobody came in, you suffer, bitch.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Suffer.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: So every time you want to be like, man, this bitch crazy.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: No, she's disappearing from the inside, from the inside.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_04: And that's a big deal because they scared us about weed constantly.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_04: It would be on our sitcoms.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_04: We'd be watching Save by the Bell, we'd be having a great old time.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_04: And then suddenly a character we had not seen before would show up with some weed, and the episode would stop cold in its tracks.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_04: And they'd always hold the joint, the bad guy would hold the joint in like a villainous way.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_04: They'd always offer the joint in a way that no one ever holds a joint, like it's a skull in a Shakespeare play.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_04: And now it's legal, and that is great news.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_04: Unless you're a weed dealer, and then it is terrible news.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_04: And I don't just mean because they're about to lose out to Amazon.com.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_04: I more feel bad for weed dealers because they're about to find out that we only showed them a certain amount of politeness because they had an illegal product.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_04: And we don't show that same politeness to people who deliver legal products.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_04: Like when the Chinese food delivery guy comes, we don't let him hang out after he's delivered the Chinese food.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_04: And we don't look the other way when he says weird shit to the girls we're hanging out with.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_04: To try to preserve the relationship.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_04: And we definitely don't give him some of the Chinese food.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_03: I do have to tell you now, I don't drink anymore.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_03: I can't do it.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_03: The drink, like the hangovers are just too intense on my body.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_03: I don't like it, I'm too old for it.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_03: But then I moved to California where weed is legal, and everybody as soon as I got here, they were like, No, Joel, like, all you gotta do is smoke some weed.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_03: Marijuana is the best hangover cure.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_03: And I don't know if you guys have ever tried this, but I have.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_03: And boy, is it like putting a hat on a hat.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_03: It is not a good remedy.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_03: I still had a splitting headache, and I felt like everyone was mad at me.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_03: So, not an experience I would recommend, I have to tell you.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: I've never been fun.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: I've never been the life of the party.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: At best, I'm the faint pulse of a potluck.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's all I've been able to achieve.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: I don't drink, I don't do drugs.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: I did start using weed this last year.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: You can tell because I say thank you.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: You can tell because I say using, like it's PowerPoint.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, I suck.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I started taking edibles at night because I was having trouble sleeping.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: Some of my friends got too excited at first.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, oh, now we can get high and go see Spider-Man.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, oh no, I only do that at night night.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: And they're like, wow, you ruined weed too.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: How did you do that?
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_05: Next thing I know, Snoop reaches onto the desk and he pulls out the biggest blunt I have ever seen.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, this sucker was huge.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_05: As soon as he pulled out that freaking blood, I got excited because I wanted to grab my cell phone.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_05: Okay?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_05: I wanted to grab my cell phone so that I could take a selfie of Snoop in the background being Snoop.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_05: So while I'm fumbling trying to get my phone, Snoop starts talking to me again.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_05: Yo, Big Fluff.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_05: Hit that while I hit this.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_05: My publicist is like, no! My son is like, yeah.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_05: And now I'm being faced, bro, I'm being faced with a serious situation because you know, I've talked about friends participating and doing stuff like this, but I've never openly talked about myself, you know.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_05: And now I realize that from this moment forward, people are gonna know what happened here with Snoop.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_05: So I started trying to find ways to justify it to myself.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_05: If you're gonna do something like this on camera, you want it to be with Snoop.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_05: You want it to be with Snoop?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_05: Chichin Chong.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_05: Or Willie Nelson.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_05: Next thing I know, the manager hands me a lighter, I light it, and I take a big hit.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_05: So listen, I'm doing my best to hold in all this smoke because I don't want to look like a punk in front of Snoop Dogg.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_05: I'm trying, I'm fighting, bro.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_05: It's hard, you know.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_05: The whole time Snoop is like, hell yeah.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_05: That's what I'm saying.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_05: Fluffy going puffy today.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_05: I do not remember the rest of the interview.