Latest / Three Rebel Souls / Episode 9: Permission

Transcript

Episode 9: Permission · Three Rebel Souls

1:34
Go.
1:35
Hello, Hello.
1:37
We're back with our last value.
1:42
Hope everyone's been enjoying these.
1:44
And now.
1:47
Two more to go.
1:48
Two more to go.
1:49
Two more to go.
1:49
Correct.
1:50
How are you guys today?
1:52
Allergy ridden and sleepy, but otherwise good.
1:58
Still waking up at 3am for me.
2:01
Oh my God.
2:02
Every day.
2:03
Yeah.
2:04
I fall asleep last night and then I still woke up at normal time.
2:12
Yeah.
2:12
Your body just knows.
2:14
Yeah.
2:14
It's like your regular alarm clock.
2:18
All right.
2:19
How are you?
2:21
I'm good.
2:22
I was cross eyed last night.
2:25
So I was out, I slept, I slept good.
2:28
I had some crazy dreams.
2:30
Crazy, you know.
2:31
Yeah, I had some crazy dreams.
2:33
Like traveling.
2:35
Of traveling.
2:36
Like I remember like parking my car and like a suitcase and going through stuff and then thinking of whether I had everything I needed.
2:45
Never getting on a plane though, but getting to the airport, being in the airport.
2:49
So I'll have to figure out what that's all about.
2:52
But yeah.
2:54
And it was like twice.
2:56
Huh.
2:57
It's a liminal space.
2:58
Yeah.
2:59
Yeah.
2:59
So having dreamt of an airport and had to look it up, that's.
3:04
It's a transition.
3:07
I mean, that makes total sense.
3:09
So since you didn't go anywhere.
3:13
Yeah.
3:14
Sorry, continue.
3:15
No, that's good.
3:16
That's it.
3:17
I mean, I can always sleep late, but I ended up waking up earlier too.
3:24
But I was like, oh, no, we're not.
3:25
We're not done yet.
3:26
Fine.
3:27
Early seven.
3:31
Wow, that is early for you.
3:33
Yeah.
3:33
Especially on a weekend.
3:34
Yeah.
3:35
And I looked and I was like,.
3:36
No, girl, I already had eight chapters in the books by 7am today because I woke up at like 4:45.
3:43
No, I was like, no.
3:45
It's so funny.
3:45
So I don't.
3:46
I don't set an alarm, but I want to take, you know, then I take my nap.
3:50
That's my.
3:50
That's what I call my nap.
3:53
I always ask Spirit to wake me up at a certain time and I do instead of setting an alarm.
3:58
So.
3:59
And I wake up and I'm like, it's time to get up.
4:01
I actually did the same thing.
4:03
Yeah.
4:04
So let's get into it.
4:05
All right.
4:06
I'm.
4:07
I'm excited to talk about this one.
4:09
We're going to talk about permission today.
4:12
And our definition of permission is we don't wait for it.
4:16
We give it to ourselves.
4:19
We don't need approval to live fully.
4:21
We break the rules that were never made for us and we write our own.
4:28
This is your invitation to stop asking and start remembering who you are.
4:34
So with that, when we say permission.
4:40
Yeah.
4:41
I love this Topic.
4:43
I love this topic.
4:45
When we say value, what does the, what does that actually look like in your world?
4:52
Permission.
4:53
Yeah.
4:57
I think about how much I used to look to others for direction or permission.
5:06
Is that sort of the way that we are taught or conditioned and the byproduct for me of a lot of the things that we've already talked about?
5:20
Like when you define your own core values and you reclaim your sovereignty or you can see yourself more clearly, it leads to courage, which leads to.
5:35
I don't need to ask any, anyone else for permission anymore.
5:37
I'm giving it to myself.
5:40
But it's such a process and like everything else, so much unlearning.
5:46
But it really just comes down to like, once you take the time or intentionally meet yourself, then you can take this step of giving yourself permission.
6:02
I agree with everything Erica just said.
6:06
Like what popped into my head when I was just sitting here reflecting on that.
6:13
It was like, why am I asking somebody else for permission with what to do with my life?
6:20
Like, it's my life.
6:23
Yeah.
6:24
I need people that are directly impacted by decisions I make.
6:28
I should have a conversation.
6:30
Right?
6:31
But that's different than.
6:33
Or maybe compromise where necessary.
6:37
You know, if you're married or in a relationship with somebody or.
6:44
But most, most of the decisions we make don't immediately impact other people.
6:51
And if.
6:52
Yeah, I don't know that sorry.
6:55
Brain went ten different ways at the same time.
6:58
You're struggling to keep the train on the tracks this morning, right?
7:02
We are.
7:03
Here we are.
7:07
It's so ingrained, right?
7:10
Even now my child, my 20, soon to be 28 year old child calls me and asks me stuff.
7:21
I'm like, I can't make that decision for you.
7:26
And they're like, I know.
7:27
I just want, you know, I want you to not, not give permission.
7:34
I think that's the easy way to go about it.
7:37
But like feedback, right?
7:40
We can get feedback from other people that's different than permission.
7:44
So I think maybe establishing that understanding would be more helpful.
7:52
Yeah, I feel like sometimes we don't know.
7:55
We don't even realize that what we're doing is not realizing that we're asking for permission.
8:00
Right.
8:00
Because outsource it to other people.
8:03
Right.
8:04
Because we don't know.
8:04
Because we're so afraid of making the wrong decision that we want to know what everybody else thinks, but not real.
8:11
And I say not realizing because I feel like I did that without realizing that that's what I was doing.
8:17
Asking for permission.
8:18
Right?
8:19
Like, what do you think?
8:20
What do you think does it matter what they think?
8:22
Because the way that they think might not be exactly the same way that I think.
8:27
But again, we were taught to be so disconnected from ourselves that that's why we can't figure out, even if it's something simple.
8:38
But we also allow other people to make.
8:42
To give us the permission or to give us.
8:45
Not even give us the permission, but to, like, make decisions, like, huge decisions for us based on what they see.
8:51
And they're not even living what you're living.
8:53
Right.
8:54
They don't feel what you feel.
8:56
So, yeah, that for me, I feel like asking for permission because you're so.
9:01
I was so afraid of making the wrong choice.
9:07
And we're told.
9:09
I mean, we're kind of.
9:12
I don't want to say we were outwardly told, but I feel like I was just made to believe that I couldn't trust myself.
9:21
Right?
9:21
Like, our.
9:21
We talked about this in past episodes.
9:23
Like, my intuition was silenced and dismissed because it was making other people uncomfortable.
9:33
Like, you know what I mean?
9:34
Like, when you kind of know something to be true.
9:36
But it's like, right?
9:38
Not.
9:39
Doesn't follow the rules.
9:40
The arbitrary rules, right?
9:44
Which is part of the way we wrote this value.
9:47
Like, the rules that were never made for us.
9:51
Right?
9:52
Like that part.
9:52
Like, we break rules, but they're arbitrary rules.
9:58
They aren't.
9:59
But it's just sort of what we were taught.
10:01
So it's time to figure out and just get reconnected with who we are and what's actually important to us and stop looking outside of ourselves.
10:12
That's the permission.
10:14
And I feel like we were taught to think about things.
10:21
It's think, think, think, think.
10:22
Like, right?
10:23
Like, what's that one thing that you were always told?
10:25
Think about it.
10:26
Think things through.
10:27
You know, like, and not everything requires thinking, right?
10:32
Requires feeling, which we are definitely not taught to feel, which is also connected to our intuition.
10:37
And therefore, like.
10:38
And even if you do get, like, a hit and, like, an intuitive hit, what are you told?
10:42
Like, well, let me think about it.
10:43
Logic your way out of it.
10:45
Yeah, yeah.
10:46
And then you do exactly.
10:47
You.
10:48
You think your way out of it, or because you get so confused between what you're feeling and what you're thinking, then you're like, let me ask Erica.
10:56
Well, let me ask Stacy and what they think, and then I'll make a decision.
10:59
Well, I like what Stacy said, so I'm gonna go with what Stacy said, You know, and it could be what you felt in it.
11:06
And it, like, hey, it makes sense with what I felt, but it might not.
11:09
And you're just like, well, I can't make up my mind, so I'm gonna go with that one.
11:13
And what's so funny about that is I feel like you asked if people who you know are going to agree with you because you're just looking for the validation.
11:20
Yes.
11:22
But you won't share things with someone or, like, ask for that same permission from someone who you know is going to challenge you.
11:29
Like, that's kind of the way that it used to be.
11:33
I think differently about that now.
11:35
Like, I actually want someone to give me another perspective on something.
11:39
If I'm asking you, it's because I want to make sure I'm not missing something.
11:45
Blind spots, for sure.
11:47
But I'm also going to make my own decision.
11:51
Like, I want people who will challenge me or hold me accountable.
11:55
But I also.
11:59
I think I.
11:59
I mean, it's still.
12:00
That's always going to be a work in progress, like all of this other stuff, because it's very deeply rooted.
12:08
But I think I trust myself more than I ever have at any other point in my life.
12:15
I agree with that.
12:17
Yeah, it's hard.
12:18
It's hard to give yourself permission for anything, especially when you haven't looked at yourself, when you really haven't faced yourself.
12:27
You're really looking for it outside of yourself.
12:30
But when.
12:34
When is it easy for you to embody this value?
12:38
And when does it still feel like a struggle?
12:42
Even though we are definitely more in touch, but, like, I know we can still struggle with that.
12:47
I know I do.
12:50
What popped into my head during that last little bit with you guys talking is I don't want to make the wrong decision.
12:59
That.
13:00
That still shows up a lot.
13:04
And I'm pretty good at challenging other people with that, saying, what's wrong?
13:12
Why is one wrong and one right?
13:15
And really, ultimately, nothing is wrong and nothing is right.
13:22
It's more like it's not a quiz where A is right and B is wrong, because there's an answer key.
13:30
There's no answer.
13:31
You are the answer key.
13:33
And your experience is the test, not the result of the test.
13:42
So it doesn't matter which option you choose, but it's really hard to leave that binary thought process behind.
13:55
Yeah.
13:55
I feel like because of all of the things that you've been conditioned to believe and which is why you go outside of yourself, that there's always.
14:03
There's judgment.
14:04
Right.
14:05
When you feel like you're going to make the wrong choice and therefore you go asking people for opinions or whatever, because you're afraid that if you choose the thing that you feel is right for you, that you don't
14:22
want to give yourself permission to make, then becomes, what are they going to think?
14:27
Or I'm a bad person, or so many things.
14:32
And again.
14:32
Right.
14:32
That's.
14:33
That's where we go from getting the intuitive hit to, like, thinking about what we.
14:37
Just what we felt.
14:38
Yeah.
14:38
Overthinking.
14:39
Yeah.
14:39
Yeah.
14:40
And I was gonna say, like, it's.
14:42
It feels like a struggle still for me, not because of anything that's happening inside of myself.
14:51
The struggle is holding firm when we give ourselves permission or just, like, moving in silence because we don't want the judgment or the opinion of others.
15:04
And holding, like, true to our decisions.
15:07
Knowing that that stuff is going to come is still hard.
15:10
Right.
15:10
Like, I think about, like, back to my divorce, and I think I told three people while, like, the process is happening.
15:25
And I literally didn't even tell, like, my family until, like, the house was sold.
15:33
We had a plan.
15:34
Everything was written up, and I was like, hey, this is happening.
15:37
It was more of, like, informing you, not saying, like, here's.
15:43
You know, here's what's going on.
15:44
Because I knew that if I asked or shared it in a way that they saw it as an invitation to share opinions, that I might waver on the thing that I knew to be true.
16:03
Right.
16:04
So the hardest thing was moving in silence and.
16:10
And kind of staying.
16:13
Staying grounded in what I knew, like, deep in my soul and doing it anyway, even knowing that I was going to be met with a lot of questions and a lot of judgment and a lot of opinions about
16:29
the thing.
16:30
Right.
16:30
Like, that's the.
16:31
That's the only place that it still feels like a struggle for me because there's a lot of, like, external noise.
16:40
I think the internal.
16:43
I.
16:43
I can much more easily connect to what I know is true than I've ever been able to before.
16:50
But I think I say that now, six years later, as a result of how hard it was to walk through that season of my life and that I made it out, and I'm, like, good to go.
17:03
You know, like, once you.
17:05
Once you walk through it, you're like, okay, well, I am capable of this.
17:10
It was hard, but we did it.
17:13
So maybe.
17:14
Maybe the opposite side of that is it's easy when I just stay quiet and do my thing.
17:21
Right.
17:22
When I just go about my business.
17:25
Yeah, I did the same thing, too.
17:27
When I was going to my divorce, I didn't want to talk to anyone it's one of the things that stuck out to me like that you just said is how people feel.
17:35
Like that when you tell them is particularly about that.
17:39
That is an invitation to give your opinions, tell me what you think or what I should do when they don't know.
17:49
When all they know is what they see on the outside.
17:52
And they're trying to tell you, how do you live your life based on what they see on the outside, not because they're in it, living it with you.
17:58
Right.
17:59
And they don't even get curious about asking you, well, what is it like in there, Right.
18:05
For you?
18:06
What.
18:07
What was it like?
18:08
They're uncomfortable and they want justification.
18:10
Yeah, right.
18:11
People feel the need to just.
18:12
Yeah, they see something good on the outside, so.
18:16
So therefore you should want it and no curiosity at all about what it's like living it, you know?
18:23
And that's where people get stuck with like, oh, but I don't have your permission.
18:26
I shouldn't do it.
18:27
It's bad if they.
18:28
Even if they get curious, like, none of your business.
18:33
Right.
18:34
But at least I feel like, at least if they get curious, you trust.
18:37
Me as much as I love me and I trust me, then you'll just right.
18:40
That this is what's happening.
18:42
I feel like, though, at least if they get curious, they can understand where you're coming from versus just telling you based on not knowing anything.
18:51
Yes, I understand the trust, but I still feel like people should.
18:58
If someone comes to you and tells you something, instead of just giving your opinion or telling someone what to do, you should just get curious first.
19:06
Well, yeah, ask or even ask.
19:08
What do you want my opinion?
19:11
Yeah.
19:11
We're not taught to do that and.
19:13
Simultaneously, like, respect the boundaries if they don't want to share.
19:17
Right.
19:18
Like, yeah, yeah.
19:21
Plenty of times I'll be like, okay, I'm super curious now that you said that.
19:25
But you also stated you don't want to talk to about it.
19:29
When you do want to talk about it, I'm here.
19:31
Right?
19:32
Right.
19:32
Yeah.
19:33
I will respect the boundary that you set.
19:37
Something else that came up while you were talking too is.
19:42
And this is also still a struggle for me because I'm a Gemini rising Taurus sun, so tans are very.
19:55
It's a fixed earth sign.
19:56
Right.
19:57
So we're.
19:57
We can be super stubborn, and I will stick with something because I said I would.
20:04
Okay.
20:06
But my Gemini rising is let's change shit up just for shits and giggles.
20:13
Let's try it and see what the fuck happens.
20:16
So for me, permission A lot of times is permission to change my mind.
20:21
Oh.
20:25
Because everybody needs that.
20:27
Yeah.
20:28
Shit changes.
20:30
Like, the step I take today.
20:33
Yes.
20:33
That's the step I think or feel that I need to take today.
20:38
But a week from now, circumstances could be completely different, and I have to shift.
20:45
So I need to be able to give myself permission to change direction, to change my mind, to.
20:51
To be open to new information and learning and not just plow forward.
20:59
Because that's a decision I made in the past.
21:04
If that is not the most important thing that, like, literally everyone in the world needs to hear right now, it's okay to learn new things and change your mind.
21:14
It's okay.
21:16
And.
21:17
And that doesn't make.
21:19
Like, it doesn't make the stuff that you chose before a bad decision or something that was, like, untrue.
21:26
If you said something wrong, you did something, and now you're kind of changing your mind.
21:30
Doesn't make it right.
21:33
Like, yeah, you made the choice at the time because you felt it was the right choice to make at the time and with the information you had at the time.
21:42
Exactly.
21:43
And no matter what it was, it was right.
21:45
Because that's correct.
21:46
That's the way that it was supposed to.
21:47
Supposed to be.
21:48
And it led you here.
21:49
It led you to where you are now.
21:51
Right.
21:51
Right.
21:52
And now you can make a different choice if that's what you want.
21:55
Exactly.
21:56
Because, you know, and it's true, like, I feel like bringing back to, like, divorce because some people will say, well, you married him or you knew who he was, but you're allowed to change your mind because.
22:07
Well, and also, like, bro, you change.
22:09
You want different things.
22:10
Right?
22:11
Yeah.
22:12
Sometimes that doesn't line up.
22:13
It might have lined up in the beginning, but maybe now it doesn't.
22:16
And you can give yourself permission to say, I don't fucking want this anymore.
22:22
Well, and.
22:23
And again, like, I think if we're not growing and evolving, there's a problem.
22:31
Right.
22:31
Right.
22:32
And so sometimes what that means is you start growing in different directions.
22:38
Like, if things stay the same forever, maybe, like, maybe that works for some people, and that's fine if it does.
22:44
But, like, I am not a.
22:46
Like, I can't stay stagnant.
22:48
I love learning.
22:50
I love, like, you know, being curious and exploring.
22:54
So, like, for me, I can't.
22:56
But the Gemini, I can't operate that way.
22:59
Yeah.
22:59
Right.
23:00
But that means that sometimes.
23:03
And that's.
23:04
This is true for literally every relationship.
23:06
It could be like, the relationships you have with your family, your friends, your, like, partners.
23:11
It's true for every relationship that sometimes when you go through this, like, growth and evolution, you outgrow things.
23:18
Yeah.
23:19
Especially if you're not growing in the same direction or in the same ways.
23:23
Right.
23:23
Like, it just feels like you're in different phases of life, different places, and all of that is okay.
23:29
So it's like that that was right for that season and it was good for that season.
23:36
Nothing will ever, like, change that.
23:38
It doesn't work anymore.
23:40
It's like.
23:40
Yeah.
23:41
I love the idea, though, that, like, just permission to change my own mind.
23:45
Because I feel like we were talking about this.
23:48
Were you.
23:49
Were we talking about this last weekend?
23:51
So I used to have a T shirt that said, who made the rules?
23:54
Yes.
23:55
Which is hysterical because I am nothing if I'm not a rule follower.
24:02
Right.
24:03
But the.
24:03
The learning for me was, like, was being able to ask that question, who made the rules?
24:11
Did I make that up?
24:13
Is that an arbitrary rule that I've set in my mind that I'm, like, digging my heels on in on for no reason at all?
24:19
Or is that a rule that was, like, handed to me that's also arbitrary?
24:22
That doesn't have to be true for me.
24:24
Like, and so I was telling.
24:27
I was telling this to Sloan last weekend.
24:29
Like, I don't know when I got rid of that T shirt, but I wish I never had.
24:33
And now I need to find a new one that just says who made the rules?
24:36
As, like, a constant.
24:38
Maybe I'll just get it tattooed.
24:40
Oh, yeah, that's a good one too.
24:42
Or make.
24:43
Or make a T shirt.
24:44
You can make one.
24:45
It'll be in my collection online store when I finally get that back up and running.
24:50
Yes, please.
24:52
I just.
24:53
I had a thought and I forget what it was, but.
24:56
Well, it also has to do with.
25:00
For me, permission too.
25:01
It was the giving myself permission to not feel caged in, as we know.
25:09
I love.
25:09
My freedom is one of my values.
25:13
And, like, freedom to just be yourself.
25:15
Right.
25:15
And for that, like, you don't need permission from others to be who you are and make the decisions that are right for you, even when people don't agree or they go against the rules.
25:25
I don't particularly love rules.
25:28
Right.
25:29
Oh.
25:29
Because I feel like I don't have to do what you want because I don't have to do what you want me to do.
25:35
I'm gonna do exactly what.
25:36
The opposite of what you want me to do.
25:38
Exactly.
25:41
Why?
25:41
Don't touch that.
25:42
I'm touching it.
25:43
That's the rule.
25:44
Why?
25:45
Yeah, exactly.
25:46
I probably Said that a lot as a child.
25:48
I wish my mom was still here so I could ask her if I drove her crazy with why.
25:52
And see, I didn't.
25:53
I was such, like, I was such an obedient child.
25:56
Me too.
25:57
Me too.
25:58
But now as an adult, I see a rule and I'm like, let's poke it.
26:05
Like, what's gonna happen?
26:07
What'll happen if we don't follow this rule?
26:09
Just worst case scenario, what's gonna happen?
26:13
I usually cannot get an answer.
26:15
Like, then it's a made up fucking rule that doesn't mean anything other than this is how we do.
26:21
We've always done it.
26:22
Fuck.
26:25
Ever want to hear that sentence?
26:26
Favorite.
26:26
That.
26:27
That is the thing that irks me more than anything else in the world.
26:30
And that's.
26:31
That's born of, like, the business coaching world of like.
26:34
Well, we've always done it this way.
26:35
It works for us.
26:37
It's.
26:37
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
26:39
Because I said so.
26:41
Exactly.
26:41
It's broken.
26:42
It's giving.
26:42
Because I said so vibes.
26:44
Yeah.
26:44
I don't.
26:45
I'm not here for that.
26:47
Yeah.
26:48
So I just.
26:50
I mean, it's just like the.
26:52
I know this isn't broken, but is there a better way?
26:54
Like, it might not be broken, but does that also mean there's not a better way?
27:00
Like, I think it's just that, like, curiosity.
27:04
I would challenge that every single time.
27:07
What?
27:08
It's not broken?
27:10
Really?
27:10
So everybody's, like, happy?
27:13
Like, things go smoothly 100% of the time?
27:18
No.
27:18
Never.
27:19
Well, that is never the answer.
27:21
If people just looked around at how everyone is feeling in today's world.
27:26
Right.
27:26
Tell me if the rules are still working.
27:28
Tell me if those rules are still working for a while with all the violence going on.
27:33
Right.
27:34
Or people.
27:35
I mean, violence that includes people doing it to themselves, right?
27:41
Oh, yeah.
27:42
Like, it's.
27:44
But the rules are fine.
27:47
Yeah, it's okay.
27:49
It's not.
27:51
I.
27:51
I want to say, like, I still struggle with giving myself permission to do the right thing for myself, even if it hurts others.
28:03
Right?
28:03
Because it's.
28:04
It's doing the right thing for myself.
28:06
And I know that we'll get more into it, but I feel like, especially when it comes to family again the past year for me, I felt like I've had to give myself a lot of permission to do what's
28:17
right for me when it comes to that.
28:18
And it's really difficult because the other thing I want to say about giving yourself permission to do what's right for you, is that a lot of times that comes with a lot of guilt?
28:29
Oh, yeah.
28:30
Especially for the people pleasers.
28:32
Yeah, it comes with a lot of guilt.
28:34
And it's.
28:35
And it's.
28:36
But I feel like when you have the clarity that you know that what you're doing is right, that that guilt is minimized.
28:43
But at first, when you first start giving yourself permission to do things for yourself, it can come with a lot of guilt.
28:50
Absolutely.
28:52
Boundaries are always going to be hard.
28:54
But that's.
28:55
That is.
28:58
I feel like these.
28:59
Those two things are kind of like, synonymous.
29:01
Right.
29:01
It's like boundaries are also permission to prioritize your needs or to even just acknowledge your needs.
29:08
Sometimes we can't even, like, acknowledge our own needs because we're so used to looking out for everyone else's needs.
29:13
Yep.
29:15
And that's.
29:17
Yeah, I agree with that.
29:18
Like, it's hard when the boundaries make other people uncomfortable or sad or angry or whatever.
29:28
But that's, like, as hard as it is.
29:31
That's, like, not my responsibility.
29:33
So I've tried to stop taking.
29:35
I think part of the permission for me is like, letting myself off the hook of being responsible for everyone else's feelings.
29:42
Yes, absolutely.
29:45
Like giving myself permission to only.
29:49
Yeah.
29:50
Give yourself responsibility.
29:51
Responsible for me.
29:52
Right.
29:52
Or, yeah.
29:53
Give yourself permission to not be responsible for things that you.
29:57
That is, they're not your responsibility.
30:00
Right.
30:01
Like something.
30:01
You're not responsible for everything and everyone.
30:04
And that's especially for women.
30:06
I feel like it's something that it's been ingrained in us.
30:09
Like, it's our responsibility to make sure, like, everyone is fine and take care of everyone, and it's not.
30:16
And we're allowed to put ourselves first and do what's right for us because then we suffer and our health suffers too.
30:24
Well, it's another, like, men are praised for it, women are chastised for it.
30:28
Right.
30:29
Yeah.
30:30
So I know that we've kind of already touched on the rebellious aspect of this with the rules.
30:40
Is there anything else that is rebellious for you about permission?
30:46
Well, I was thinking about book club yesterday and how we're reading permission to Feel.
30:53
Like, literally in the title is permission.
30:56
Yeah.
30:57
And this, like, this aspect, I think, is another thing that is maybe sometimes challenging still, because, again, like, the societal expectation is like.
31:09
Or at least it used to be.
31:11
I think there.
31:12
Again, we've said this a lot of.
31:13
A lot, but I think there's some big shifts happening.
31:18
But they talk about in the book how often we ask each other the question, how are you feeling?
31:24
And you have this, like, autoresponder.
31:28
Yeah, like this canned.
31:30
Like, oh, good.
31:31
Like, oh, we're busy.
31:32
Like, just, you know, good.
31:34
How are you?
31:34
Crazy.
31:34
But, like, it's so good.
31:36
Everything's great.
31:37
And we have this, like, autoresponder.
31:41
But I literally.
31:42
Like, I literally texted my cousin the other night because I know she's, like, going through some stuff right now, and I just texted her and said, how are you?
31:51
And in parentheses I put.
31:52
Really?
31:53
And she was honest, and it was so fucking refreshing to just, like, give space for her honesty and then to be able to respond back without trying to fix it or dismiss it or say some bullshit.
32:11
Like, it's gonna get better.
32:12
Like, I don't know.
32:14
I don't know the timeline for that, and I don't know how this is gonna go, but to just kind of have an honest conversation.
32:21
So I feel like the permission to feel is also actually something that maybe is still a little bit of a struggle for me because I have a hard time feeling my emotions because I've been too preoccupied with it,
32:33
figuring out everyone else's for most of my life.
32:36
Which is.
32:37
That connects back to what you said about the guilt in boundaries.
32:41
Like, when I'm worried about they might get sad, they might get angry.
32:45
Like, we're too worried about other people's feelings to take our own into account.
32:50
So that's part of the permission, too.
32:52
It's like, permission to, like, feel our own and prioritize our own and to be authentic, to not have to, like.
33:01
I don't know.
33:02
I feel like it used to be like, you can't.
33:03
Like, you can't cry at work.
33:06
You can't be angry at work.
33:09
You can't do.
33:10
You can't yell in public.
33:12
You can't be sad in public.
33:14
You can't just, like, we just, like, stripped this massive element of our humanity and expect that everyone's just fucking smiling all the time.
33:25
And that's just insane.
33:27
But just smiling, Just smiling.
33:29
You're only allowed to be the rules.
33:31
Yeah, the rule.
33:32
The rules aren't just too sad, too angry, too happy, too.
33:38
At all of it.
33:40
No extremes anywhere.
33:41
You must be, like, especially at work, right?
33:46
Like, it was totally acceptable for me to go through my entire day being annoyed, but not sad, not overly happy, not.
33:55
You know what I mean?
33:56
So, yeah, I.
33:58
I agree.
33:59
Yeah.
34:00
I mean, I agree with you guys on everything, but I'm trying to think of, like, how, for me, it's still.
34:06
I guess I still have a hard time, like you just said, giving myself Permission to feel and not.
34:17
I guess it's still, like, the hard part with the boundaries, like, and not do the right thing for myself.
34:23
Like, I'm.
34:25
I question myself.
34:27
But the good thing about it is that I have people that I can trust and actually ask questions about the situation and get.
34:39
And where they're going to give me their perspective.
34:42
And I guess I've learned enough to just look at their perspective, but not necessarily take it on, because I feel like that is something that I still struggle with, is that if I come to a conclusion about something
34:57
and somebody else has a different perspective on that, I automatically make mine wrong versus it's just a different perspective.
35:08
Right.
35:09
That I can consider, but I make mine wrong.
35:12
So I'm trying to give myself the permission, you know, working with myself and giving myself the permission that two things can be true at the same time.
35:21
Right.
35:22
And doesn't make mine wrong.
35:25
Right.
35:26
Yeah.
35:27
And so this, like, here's the thing.
35:29
I think when we talk about permission and.
35:34
And we talk about, like, being so selective about if we are contemplating something or, you know, we're doing that, like, move in silence thing, I've gotten so discerning about who gets to kind of, like, witness my truth.
35:55
And I'm thinking back to, like, our first value of sovereignty, where we say, like, it's not about isolation, like, we don't have to fully withdraw.
36:05
It's just being so deeply rooted in your own truth that you attract the right people.
36:09
And.
36:13
And I think what it means when we say the right people is people who will listen.
36:21
Right.
36:21
Be curious.
36:22
Yep.
36:23
Potentially challenge your perspective and also respect and support your decision no matter what.
36:31
Yeah.
36:32
And for me, it's easier to give myself permission knowing that that's like, the inner circle I've curated.
36:42
Because again, while I value the fact that, like, you guys will challenge me or hold me accountable or call out a bias or, like, tell me when I'm missing something that should be glaringly obvious.
36:53
And also, you're like, I trust that you know what's best for you.
36:58
Do you think, babe, be here if you need me?
37:02
Like, yeah.
37:03
That's the kind of.
37:05
I think just the same way we talked about how it's easier to be courageous when you've got people.
37:11
Yeah.
37:12
It's easier to give yourself permission when you've got the right people.
37:16
Yeah.
37:17
Yeah.
37:18
I feel like it's.
37:20
It's support when I go to you guys and the other friends that I feel safe with.
37:28
Yes.
37:28
The other friends.
37:30
Boom.
37:33
Fight.
37:34
Live on this.
37:35
Yeah.
37:37
Oh, we should have them on.
37:38
That would be awesome.
37:39
Oh, my God.
37:40
We.
37:40
We.
37:40
We are definitely going to have them on for sure.
37:43
We're gonna have some.
37:44
Some fun with them.
37:47
But I feel like it's different going to these safe spaces now when I have something that I need to figure out what to do.
37:58
Right.
37:59
It's different than before, where before it was like, oh, my God, I'm lost.
38:02
Let me know what they think.
38:03
I want to know what they think.
38:05
I need someone else.
38:06
Tell me.
38:07
Yeah, like now.
38:07
It's.
38:08
It's.
38:08
It's.
38:08
It's everything you just said, Erica.
38:10
It's so different.
38:10
And it just comes down to, like, that support, right?
38:13
Where they get curious with you and they give you their perspective, and we talk, talk it over, and then you decide.
38:24
You decide what's best for you.
38:26
Like I said, one thing that Olivia always says to me is, Adriana, trust yourself.
38:33
You always know, and you always have the right answer.
38:37
Just trust yourself.
38:38
You know?
38:38
So I always remind.
38:39
Because she tells me that every time, like, I have something, she always says, trust.
38:42
Trust yourself.
38:43
And so it.
38:44
And that's helpful, right?
38:45
Like, you have people whom trust that you know.
38:50
Right.
38:51
Even when sometimes you don't trust yourself.
38:53
Because that's definitely a work in progress for me, trusting myself.
38:58
And I think that's insane of you to say, because to me, you have, like, the strongest intuition out of all of us.
39:07
You know, it's.
39:08
That's what it looks like from my perspective.
39:10
I admire your intuition.
39:12
Thank you.
39:13
Thank you.
39:14
I mean, I don't.
39:14
I don't know that it's better than anyone.
39:17
I don't look at it that way.
39:18
I just do believe that it's.
39:20
It's the conditioning, you know, Is the conditioning for.
39:23
Any time that I saw something, it was always shot down, shot down, shut down.
39:29
So, of course, if I look at my natal chart, it all makes so much sense now, why I second guess myself.
39:37
I feel like I trust myself so much more than I ever have, but it's still a work in progress.
39:42
I will still be.
39:43
Like, that old feeling comes back, like, am I getting this wrong?
39:48
And then I have to tell myself, like, no, I'm feeling this.
39:51
And this is what you've always done.
39:52
Just go with what you felt.
39:53
Mm.
39:55
Yeah.
39:57
I mean, I think that's.
39:58
That's it, though.
39:59
Like, you just nailed it, right?
40:00
Like, that's the rebellion.
40:01
Even when you know, oh, no, it's a thumbs up.
40:05
You got it wrong.
40:06
I just.
40:08
Even when you know you can trust yourself, the old pattern, it's like you're gonna be tested every time.
40:18
Every.
40:19
Right.
40:20
So it's like there's still.
40:22
I feel like that voice gets quieter and quieter over time, but it doesn't really go away.
40:29
And especially if I say this all the time when I'm.
40:32
When I'm facilitating workshops, like, I'm so good at active listening and, like, asking really good questions when I am well rested and fed and hydrated and, like.
40:50
But when I'm not any of those things, it's like all the tools go out the window and I'm back to the old.
40:58
Like, you go to your default selection settings.
41:00
Yep.
41:01
And those patterns creep back up.
41:04
Just when you think you've made so much progress.
41:08
Yeah.
41:08
Different circumstances will pull up different things that you thought were long gone.
41:14
Yeah.
41:15
I would say.
41:16
But.
41:17
Yeah.
41:18
That it's the ultimate rebellion in a way.
41:23
Right.
41:24
Giving yourself permission instead of looking to society, to your family, to your friends, to your husband, to your kid.
41:34
You know what I mean?
41:35
Because that's what we've been trained to do.
41:38
Yeah.
41:38
Actually, women trained.
41:41
That's hard.
41:42
Like, our entire life has been.
41:44
Ignore what you're feeling and what you internal knowing is.
41:48
Just ignore that and believe this outside source.
41:53
This was one of the themes of Untamed that knocked me flat on my ass.
42:01
Right.
42:01
Like when she talks about permission slips or she talks about women who trust their inner knowing.
42:09
Like, I trust a woman who trusts herself.
42:12
Yeah.
42:12
Like, that just gave me chills all over again.
42:15
Yep.
42:15
Yeah.
42:16
And the other thing, too, is.
42:18
Is that it's okay to make a mistake.
42:22
Look.
42:22
Right.
42:23
Like, absolutely not tough.
42:25
You're gonna make mistakes.
42:26
Yeah.
42:27
And instead.
42:28
Yeah.
42:28
And instead of saying, like, oh, I feel so strongly about this.
42:31
But then you want to think.
42:32
Overthink it.
42:33
Right.
42:34
In so many different ways.
42:35
Because you're afraid of making that mistake.
42:37
Make the mistake.
42:37
Because sometimes I feel like.
42:39
I mean, I know that's how we learned.
42:41
Right.
42:42
That is how we learn because that's.
42:44
What we're supposed to do.
42:46
Right.
42:46
And also, if you have an intuitive hit about something and you.
42:50
And you feel like in that moment it's right.
42:51
But then you want to think about it differently because of guilt or whatever, people pleasing, whatever it is.
42:58
What if you got it right?
43:00
What have you got it right?
43:02
And then.
43:03
Because also that teaches you too, to trust yourself is when you get it right.
43:07
But if you never take that chance on going with what you get because you're afraid of making the mistake, how will you ever know that you actually got it right?
43:17
I also Just struggle because of, like, the all or nothing thinking style with that, like, there's an absolute.
43:24
Right.
43:24
Like, well, this might actually just be partially right.
43:28
And even if it's partially right, I've made a step in the right direction.
43:32
But, damn, is that hard for me to reconcile in this little recovering perfectionist brain of mine.
43:39
Right.
43:40
Right.
43:40
Like that.
43:41
I'm.
43:41
I'm so stuck in the absolutes, like, I have to be 100 certain that it's exactly correct or I'm not gonna do it.
43:48
Then you're never gonna do anything.
43:50
Huh?
43:51
And you're never gonna do anything.
43:52
Exactly.
43:53
That has paralyzed me for decades.
43:57
And you'll never trust yourself either.
43:59
And I.
43:59
Yes.
44:00
And that has been, like, the biggest.
44:04
The.
44:05
The hardest thing to unravel and the.
44:08
And the biggest, like, learning of the last, like, several years of trying to do this work.
44:16
Yeah.
44:17
Sometimes feeling like it's.
44:19
That trying is going well, and sometimes feeling like.
44:24
Yep.
44:25
Yeah.
44:27
Objectively, when you look at it, are we ever a hundred percent positive?
44:34
Absolutely no reserves.
44:37
No.
44:39
This is the only way to do the thing that's almost never the case.
44:46
No.
44:47
There's only what.
44:49
What we know now.
44:51
I know that it'll change, and it's.
44:54
Okay when it does.
44:55
Yeah.
44:58
Permission.
44:59
I love it.
45:01
So good.
45:03
Give yourself the permission for whatever the thing is.
45:07
If it's going to make your life better, do it right.
45:11
Nothing else matters.
45:13
It brings you one flicker moment of happiness or hope or joy or relief.
45:23
Do the damn thing.
45:25
Yeah.
45:25
You don't need anybody else's permission but your own.
45:27
You really don't.
45:29
I'm looking forward to doing a whole episode on, like, the book club recap of permission to feel, because I feel like that's going to be so big.
45:37
I know.
45:37
Me too.
45:38
At the end of this book.
45:39
I know.
45:40
So good.
45:41
Yeah.
45:41
Yep.
45:43
All right, well.
45:46
And that's another value.
45:48
One more to go.
45:49
One more to go.
45:51
And it's going to be the most unhinged.
45:54
I'm excited for it.
45:55
I'm excited.
45:57
Yeah.
45:57
Right.
45:57
Exactly.
45:58
I mean, that's easy to do.
46:00
Yeah.
46:01
That's the.
46:02
That's, like, the easiest thing to do.
46:04
Bring the fuckery on.
46:06
Yeah.
46:08
Well, you guys.
46:09
Love you.
46:11
Love you.
46:11
Thank you so much for another awesome conversation.
46:16
And thank you to everyone listening.
46:18
I hope you got something out of this.
46:21
I hope that you're going right now and say, I'm giving myself permission to do whatever it is.
46:26
Yeah.
46:27
I hope that this.
46:28
Yeah.
46:29
That whatever you heard here triggered that for you and you said it.
46:34
I'm doing it, so go do it.
46:36
All right, guys.
46:37
Thanks, everybody.
46:39
And that's a wrap.