Latest / ABCs of Parenting Adult Children / The Hidden Wounds of Adoption No One Talks About

Transcript

The Hidden Wounds of Adoption No One Talks About · ABCs of Parenting Adult Children

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to Growing with Grace, conversations that help parents build healthier relationships with their adult children.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: No shame, no blame, just wisdom, healing, and hope for the journey.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm James Moffat.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Let's grow with Grace Together.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: So just as a reminder, Growing with Grace video series has to do with my experience as a child being raised in the 70s.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: I graduated high school in May of 1980.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so I was a child, three teen, teenager, uh in the 1970s.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: So the purpose for putting this video series together is to share with you my uh childhood experiences and let you see or hear how it affected me not only as a child, but also as an adult.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: The emotional damage that was done, the emotional baggage that I carry into my adulthood, and ultimately into my parenting skills and parenting style.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Parents parent their children the way they were parented, unless you are emotionally intelligent and you are prepared to do the inner work and to seek healing from the damage that you receive so that you can not parent your children with the bad parenting skills of the 70s.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: So this is episode two, and I'm going to talk about being adopted.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: The hidden wounds, no one talks about.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: So feeling chosen, but also feeling different.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: My sister and I knew that we were grateful for the gift we were given.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: We knew the boys, when they turned eight in the orphanage, they have to go out and find a job and then bring those funds back for the rest of the children to survive.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Both my sister and I had physical issues that required medical care that we would have never gotten at the orphanage.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: I had to have several surgeries on my foot.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: The German doctors told my parents I would never walk.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: When my parents, uh my father, my adoptive father picked me up out of the crib.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: I had a cast on my right leg from the knee down to the foot.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Who knows how long it had been there?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was only one year old at that time.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: My sister was not able to see very well out of one of her eyes.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: When you're an adopted child in a family, you sometimes feel as if you're not their children.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Just someone they decided to adopt.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Pressure to be grateful.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I guess you could say there were times our parents threw our adoption in our face, they constantly reminded us of the fact that they could have just left us there.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: There were times when we would not be perfect enough that our parents acted like they had buyer's remorse.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional distance or conditional acceptance.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Our parents were in touch with the emotions of anger and feelings of disappointment in us.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: We angered them when we were considered as being disobedient.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes our disobedience was rebellion against the perfectionism standard, and sometimes it was because we were children and did not have the capacity to be perfect.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Their love for us was conditional upon performance.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Let me say that again.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Their love for us was conditional upon our performance.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: When we performed at the level that they expected, they loved us.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they didn't really love us, maybe they just accepted us.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, thinking about it now, they did not love us as children, but they loved the end result of the performance.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes life is messy both for adults and children.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: As children, we're learning what is expected of us.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: As children, we want to have fun and be children.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: It is okay for children to run and play.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's our nature.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Or that is in our nature.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sitting stiffly on a couch with our hands in our laps, afraid of being punished, should never be a part of a child's environment.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Ever.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Let me say that again.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sitting stiffly on a couch with our hands in our laps, afraid of being punished, should never be a part of a child's environment.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: The longing to belong.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Kenya and I wanted to belong to a family that accepted us for who we were and where we were at, no matter what age or developmental level we were at.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: When they would threaten to drop us off at a local children's home that did not give us a feeling of belonging.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: We were obedient out of fear.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: We were outcasts in our own family.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Obedience out of fear means that they are performing for you and meeting your expectations because they are afraid of whatever punishment that you're going to give them.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: That could be verbal or physical abuse.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: My adoptive mother was created with the punishments.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: So that's part of my story.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, it's part of our story, my sister and I.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about a parent trying to be better.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Be emotionally present in the lives of your children.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: As much as you can enter into your child's life emotionally.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: As much as you can enter into the child's life emotionally.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: What makes them happy?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: What makes them sad?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: What are they afraid of?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to them about those things.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them stories that you make up or from a book that will draw those things to the surface.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Be quiet and let them talk.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Do not scold or belittle them if they say something that you think is wrong.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Respect their emotions and perspective.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Part of being a parent is to provide for the child physically.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Food, place to live, hot water, a bed to sleep in, clothing, school books.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: All of that.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Your child, your children need both physical and emotional support from you.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Your children want to belong.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, your children want to identify with being part of the family.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: They want to belong and feel safe and secure.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: You want your child to want to come to you about happy and sad moments in their lives.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: When children do not feel they belong or they are not loved, then they go outside of the home looking for those things.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Consider all of the fatherless children.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: How many young men wind up in gangs or prison because their fathers are not present in their home?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Fathers, be emotionally present in the lives of their children, and let them know you're proud of them and love them.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Show them that they are part of the family.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for spending this time with me on Growing with Grace.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: If today's conversation encouraged you or gave you something to think about, I'd love for you to stay connected, subscribe, share this with another parent who might need it, and keep growing with us.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, it's never too late to heal, to listen, or to love with grace.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you in the next episode.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Bye bye.