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20 - Am I Still There · Astounding Sci-Fi Audiobook Library

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Am I still there by? James R. Hall? This is
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  Speaker 1: a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain.
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  Speaker 1: For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org.
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  Speaker 1: Am I still there by? James R. Hall. Lees lead
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  Speaker 1: off the examining table and began buttoning his shirt. He
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: had had a medical examination every six months of his
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  Speaker 1: adult life, and it always seemed strange to him that,
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  Speaker 1: despite the banks of machines the doctor head, which could
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  Speaker 1: practically map a man from a single cell outward, each
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  Speaker 1: examination always entailed the cold end of a stethoscope against
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  Speaker 1: his chest. He tucked his shirt into his pants and
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  Speaker 1: turned to the examining doctor, who was writing on a chart.
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  Speaker 1: Well Lee asked him. Sounders a dollar, replied the doctor.
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  Speaker 1: Of course, doctor Flotman or doctor Roberts might turn up
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: something on their electronic monsters. But I see no reason
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: why we can't go ahead on schedule. He felt relieved.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: Even while being examined by technicians, medical doctors, and biologists,
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  Speaker 1: he had been conscious of the hundreds of little dull
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: pains which had nibbled like mice in every corner of
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  Speaker 1: his brain. Sometimes he felt like a piece of his
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  Speaker 1: brain was being completely smoothered, a horrible sensation of having
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  Speaker 1: a part of his head severed from him. These would
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  Speaker 1: go away, but would appear again in a different area,
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  Speaker 1: usually in about fifteen to thirty minutes. Well, the doctor
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  Speaker 1: said he was fit for surgery that would end his
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  Speaker 1: nagging pain, just as it always had in the past.
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  Speaker 1: If you're ready now, Lee became aware the doctor was
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  Speaker 1: speaking to him. Oh, Lee said he had no idea
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  Speaker 1: what the doctor was talking about. I'm sorry, I guess
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  Speaker 1: I didn't hear what you said. The doctor smiled tolerantly.
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  Speaker 1: I said you can see doctor lets Miller this afternoon
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  Speaker 1: to get the final Okay, let's Miller? Who is he?
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: I thought you said? I was ready to go. Lee
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  Speaker 1: knew he sounded a little petulant, but he was tired
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  Speaker 1: from all these examinations and besides his head heard the
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  Speaker 1: doctor gores. Lee thought his name was was rather young,
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: but seemed used to this kind of thing. He turned
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  Speaker 1: on his tolerant smile again. Doctor lets Miller is chief
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  Speaker 1: of the Familiarization and postoperative Adjustment section. He can explain
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: himself better when you see him. Is he the last one?
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  Speaker 1: Lee asked? He was already following doctor Gores out of
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  Speaker 1: the door and down a corridor. Doctor Gores stopped before
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  Speaker 1: a door marked doctor C. L. Lets Miller and opened it.
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  Speaker 1: The last one. You take these, he handed Lee a
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  Speaker 1: thick Manila folder, and tell the girl doctor Gore sent
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  Speaker 1: you for your interview. He waited until Lee had entered,
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: then closed the door and left. Evidently doctor lets Miller
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: had been expecting him for very Shortly, Lee found himself
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  Speaker 1: sitting at the doctor's desk, comfortably seated in a brown
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  Speaker 1: leather arm chair. He was facing a rather pudgy man
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  Speaker 1: who was leafing through the manila Falderly had given him. Finally,
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  Speaker 1: doctor lets Milner looked up. Well, well, now, mister Lee,
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  Speaker 1: suppose you first tell me about yourself and then I'll
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  Speaker 1: tell you about me. Tell you about Melee asked. Doctor
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  Speaker 1: lets Miler smiled. It was another tolerant smile, but it
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  Speaker 1: seemed more sincere than Gorz's. I suppose the best way
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  Speaker 1: would be for me to review these facts on your
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  Speaker 1: medical history. You are Vincent Bonnard Lee, yes, sir. Date
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  Speaker 1: of birth August eleventh, nineteen thirty four. That would make
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  Speaker 1: you four hundred nine years old. Thee hesitated. He never
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  Speaker 1: really thought of his age. It had long ago ceased
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  Speaker 1: to be of any importance to him. Of course, he
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  Speaker 1: remembered his birth date. It was one of those facts
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  Speaker 1: that always appears on your records, like your social Security number.
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  Speaker 1: He did some calculations in his head, as roughly as
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: the constantly shifting blank spots in thinking would allow him. Yes, sir,
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  Speaker 1: it shows here that you first underwent replacive surgery in
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  Speaker 1: nineteen einety one. Correct, Yes, remember what it was for. Yes,
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  Speaker 1: I had hard trouble. They fixed me up with one
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  Speaker 1: of those big jobs requiring my carrying batteries under my armpit,
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  Speaker 1: one of those early models. And this shows that at
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  Speaker 1: various times since then you have undergone replacive surgery, some
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  Speaker 1: eighty seven times, including three replacements of a pulmonary nature. Again,
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  Speaker 1: Lee hesitated. The number of times he had had a
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  Speaker 1: worn organ or tissue repaired or replaced was more than
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  Speaker 1: a little hazy. After the novelty of the first few times,
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  Speaker 1: when he found himself with a new stomach, or liver
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  Speaker 1: or muscle, he had started to take these things as
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  Speaker 1: a matter of course. He gave a little nervous laugh.
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  Speaker 1: If that paper says so, I suppose so, doctor. Yes, well,
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  Speaker 1: everything seems to be functioning properly now, doesn't it, with
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  Speaker 1: the exception of your head, of course, Yes, yes, I
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  Speaker 1: feel fine. At the lines, Lee was feeling uncomfortable. Doctor.
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  Speaker 1: Could you tell me what this is all about? I
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  Speaker 1: must have answered these questions half a dozen times before
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  Speaker 1: to those other people in just a moment. First, I
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: need to know you a little better. Your medical history
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  Speaker 1: lists your occupation as cabinet maker. That's right. Lee was
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  Speaker 1: becoming more and more uncomfortable. The extensive examinations had tired him,
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  Speaker 1: and repetition of the answers to all these questions was
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  Speaker 1: making him edgy. Doctor, can't you at least tell me
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  Speaker 1: what type of operation I am going to have? What
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  Speaker 1: do you think it will be? I don't know, some
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  Speaker 1: sort of repair on my head, I guess, mister Lee,
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  Speaker 1: this isn't going to be a matter of repair. We
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  Speaker 1: have found it necessary to replace the entirety of what
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  Speaker 1: could roughly be called your brain, as well as part
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  Speaker 1: of the spinal cord, my whole brain. Li sat stunned,
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  Speaker 1: comprehension slowly filtering into him. He voiced the only coherent
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  Speaker 1: thought which materialized. Why that would mean there won't be
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  Speaker 1: anything left of me at all, doctor, Lets Miler regarded him,
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  Speaker 1: what do you mean, Doc, You've got my records there.
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  Speaker 1: At one time or another, since they first put a
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  Speaker 1: new heart in me, every single inch of me has
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  Speaker 1: been replaced by an artificial part. I mean all of me.
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  Speaker 1: There is not one bit of me, hart, eye, ste nails,
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  Speaker 1: nothing that is me. That bothered me quite a bit
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  Speaker 1: when this left eye was put in. I mean I thought, well,
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  Speaker 1: this isn't me, this is my brain walking around in
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  Speaker 1: a jumble of artificial flesh. I tell you it bothered me.
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  Speaker 1: But I went to a doctor, you know, a psychoanalyst,
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  Speaker 1: and he convinced me that as long as I had
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  Speaker 1: what he called a sense of identity, that I was me.
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  Speaker 1: Please stopped. How could he explain it? But lets Miller
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  Speaker 1: seem to understand. And you think that your brain is
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  Speaker 1: all that is left of you, Doc, it's a funny
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  Speaker 1: feeling like this. Lee raised his hands brought them together
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  Speaker 1: in time his finger tips say that I can raise
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  Speaker 1: those hands, I can make them touch each other. I
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  Speaker 1: can feel them touching each other. But it is just
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  Speaker 1: not quite right. It is just a little bit off key,
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  Speaker 1: like one trumpet player out of twenty, being about one
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  Speaker 1: sixteenth of an old flat No, what I mean I
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  Speaker 1: think I do, said les Miller, nodding slowly. Now, just
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  Speaker 1: what does that have to do with your operation? Doctor
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  Speaker 1: Lee had to stop for the patchwork quilt of blanket
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  Speaker 1: spaces was dancing in his head. The helplessness went away slowly,
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  Speaker 1: like smoke drifting from a fire. As his mind cleared,
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  Speaker 1: he realized that he didn't know why he was being
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  Speaker 1: interviewed by this doctor. Anything wrong, doctor, lets Miller asked.
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  Speaker 1: Lee knew he wasn't being too coherent, jumping about with
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  Speaker 1: the conversation this way, but he asked the question anyway, Doc,
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  Speaker 1: why am I seeing you? You haven't guessed? No, the
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  Speaker 1: doctor paused to light a h gone cigar. My job
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  Speaker 1: here at Murkin's Replaceive is to deal with just such
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  Speaker 1: fears as you have expressed. I am a medical doctor
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  Speaker 1: and a psychologist, and lets Miller smile to himself, a
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  Speaker 1: kind of historian historian. Well, you see, I was supposed
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  Speaker 1: to give you the regular formal lecture on the history
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  Speaker 1: of replacive surgery when you first came in. Like to
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  Speaker 1: hear it Lee nodded, so lets Miller continued, Replacive surgery
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  Speaker 1: is actually quite old, all does medicine itself. I suppose
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  Speaker 1: very early attempts at dangers were tried, though with little success.
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  Speaker 1: And of course bag legs and hooks for persons who
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  Speaker 1: had lost their hands might be called replacive surgery, though
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  Speaker 1: they were very crude. Later on came more refined dangers,
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  Speaker 1: artificial limbs, corrective lenses, skullplates, hearing aids, plastic or cosmetic surgery,
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  Speaker 1: blood transfusions, all types of skin grafts, et cetera. The
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  Speaker 1: nineteen fifties saw the beginning of bone and corner of transplant,
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  Speaker 1: use of plastics in arteries, those huge heart, lung and
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  Speaker 1: kidney machines, implantation of electrodes in the heart to steady
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  Speaker 1: its beat, many things which were mostly emergency or stopgap measures.
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  Speaker 1: All through the late nineteen hundreds, refinements continued to be made,
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  Speaker 1: but it wasn't until nineteen eighty eight that the fathers
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  Speaker 1: of replacive surgery, Doctor's Muse, Levingson and McCarthy, made the
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  Speaker 1: breakthrough that revolutionized the whole concept. In very simplified language,
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  Speaker 1: they unlocked the key to producing specialized living tissue through
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  Speaker 1: a bombardment of an extremely complex carbon compound with amino
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  Speaker 1: acids and electricity, then making it selective in function by
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  Speaker 1: a fantastically intricate application of gradiation. That pulmonary replacement he
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  Speaker 1: received in nineteen ninety one was undoubtedly one of the
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  Speaker 1: first successes. You were quite lucky. You know. Up until
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  Speaker 1: twenty seventeen, only about five percent of their synthesized hearts
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  Speaker 1: lasted more than thirty days at any rate. The principle
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  Speaker 1: was established and it was proven that it could work.
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  Speaker 1: Most of our work from then till a few years
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  Speaker 1: ago has been in improving and refining the work those
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  Speaker 1: three good doctors did over three hundred years ago. At
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  Speaker 1: smell cigar had gone out, and he discarded it in
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  Speaker 1: favor of a cigarette. That would be the end of
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  Speaker 1: my history lecture, if it were not for the nature
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  Speaker 1: of your trouble. Lee looked at him closely. Why is that, well,
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  Speaker 1: mister Lee? The big thing missing in that summation is
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  Speaker 1: the seeming impossible task of synthesizing nerve tissue, especially that
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  Speaker 1: of the cerebral cortex. It's been approximated at any rate
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  Speaker 1: closely enough to give us good enough results to allow
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  Speaker 1: an artificial tissue to respond to brain's signals about ninety
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  Speaker 1: eight percent as well as the original would. But actual duplication, no,
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  Speaker 1: at least not until about three years ago, to tell
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  Speaker 1: you the truth, it's barely out of the experimental stage. Experimental. Yes,
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  Speaker 1: this will be the first complete replacement of a human brain. Oh,
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  Speaker 1: of course. It has been done with animals, and it
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  Speaker 1: has been successful with partial replacements on humans. But you
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  Speaker 1: will have the honor of being the first human with
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  Speaker 1: a complete substitution. Lee could not contain himself, Doc, That's
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  Speaker 1: just it. There won't be a single atom of me
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  Speaker 1: except what you fellows have conjured up. Let's Miller broke
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  Speaker 1: in mildly. I think conjured is hardly the proper word,
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  Speaker 1: mister Lee. Well, of course I didn't mean that, But
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  Speaker 1: don't you see what I am driving at. You could
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  Speaker 1: just as well start from scratch and duplicate me without
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  Speaker 1: bothering about going about it piecemeal. And what does that
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  Speaker 1: make me? The doctor had been looking at Lee, intently,
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  Speaker 1: studying him through the outbursts. I think I see what
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: you mean, and I can't answer you. The question you
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: raise may be philosophical or metaphysical, but it certainly isn't medical,
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  Speaker 1: and from a doctor's point of view, complete substitution is
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  Speaker 1: the only course open. Risky as it may seem, he
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: MULDI is over. Of course, he knew surgery, where only
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  Speaker 1: solution is decaying mentality, actually the only alternative to his
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: becoming a virtual idiot and shortly after that dead. And
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: he did not want to die. He had lived a
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  Speaker 1: long time, but thanks to the methods of lets Millers, Goreds,
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  Speaker 1: and all their predecessors, he was as full of Jews
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  Speaker 1: as he had been at thirty five. But the question
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  Speaker 1: that kept plaguing him lets Miller seemed determined to avoid.
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  Speaker 1: He didn't understand very much about replacive surgery, really didn't
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  Speaker 1: care to. If leeds Miller said it could work, then
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  Speaker 1: he wasn't worry about that. Well, he guessed he really
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  Speaker 1: didn't have much choice. With this realization, he had only
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  Speaker 1: one more question for lets Miller, doc, if I am
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  Speaker 1: not me when this is over, do you think I
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  Speaker 1: will know it? Lets Miller looked at Lee's troubled face.
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  Speaker 1: Do you think that you would want to? Lee answered slowly, No, No,
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  Speaker 1: I guess not. Let Miller rose from his chair. I'll
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  Speaker 1: talk to you again after the operation. Do you think
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: you are ready to go to your room now? Lee
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  Speaker 1: nodded and obediently followed the doctor. Lee was asleep when
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: the nurse came, but with the efficiency of all good
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  Speaker 1: nurses since time immemorial, she woke him to give him
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  Speaker 1: the sedative to prepare him for surgery. She chatted as
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: brightly as he prepared the hypodermic. You know you have
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: all the nurses speculating, mister Lee. I mean we are
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: wondering just what doctor lake In he's the anesthesiologist, is
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  Speaker 1: going to use for you when you won't have any
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  Speaker 1: brain for the neestsy to work on. She stopped the
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: needle poised above Lee's arm, realizing the inaptness of her remark, Oh,
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  Speaker 1: I shouldn't have said that. No, that's all right, sad Lee.
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  Speaker 1: I've already reconciled myself to being the headless horseman for
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  Speaker 1: a while. He had two. Although it was wonderfully strange
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  Speaker 1: to think of himself lying on the operating table with
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  Speaker 1: a cavity where he right now thought felt new that
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  Speaker 1: he was a person, he didn't actually lie on the
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  Speaker 1: table in the literal sense. The table was inclined to
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  Speaker 1: about forty five degrees, with his head exposed and supported
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: by a clamp on the cheek and jaw bones. This
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: arrangement was necessary to allow the weighting machinery access to
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: the area where it would perform. Physicians, surgeons, biologists, and
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: the like were gathered in the amphitheater to see a
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: bit of medical history. Actually, there wasn't much to see.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: A team of technicians, radiologists, and surgeons were working a roundly.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: Some were attaching electrodes to parts of Lee's body to
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: maintain the electrical impulses necessary to keep his vital processes
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: in motion while the main switch board was out of commission.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: Others were sensitizing the exposed brain from which the skull
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: had already been removed, to guide the delicate fingers of
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: the huge automatic operating, recording, and calculating complex through its
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: precisely programmed steps. Lets Miller was among those in the
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: amphitheater as a spectator, drawn both by professional curiosity and
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: a desire to know the answer to this question, Doc,
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: what will there be left of me? Of course, he
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: couldn't find out even part of the answer for some weeks.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: Even the operating recording and calculating complex now being fitted
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: to Lee's unconscious brain, adjusted and activated, would not finish
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: with its job for something like thirty two hours. The
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: synthesizer would reconvert the data, translate it into countless chemical
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: and electrical formly, and apply to the raw material of carbons,
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: amino acids, proteins, and other components. When the basic organ
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: had been reconstructed, a process requiring another week and a
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: half in the synthesizer, it would be grafted back the nerve.
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: Lead ins would then be reconnected one by one, spaced
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: at intervals to avoid shock. Lee would be unconscious the
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: whole time, of course, or rather Lee would be unconscious
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: part of the time. Most of the time, he wouldn't
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: have the capacity for either consciousness or the lack of it.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: Doctor lets Miiller observed the hue huge operating recording and
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: calculating complex for a time, but there wasn't anything to see.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: It simply set over Lee doing its job anune wanted.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: The thought came to let s Miller that the machine
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: looked like a frog with a long worm dangling from
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: its mouth. Lee was the worm. You can talk to
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: him now. Doctor ouden Reed, a surgeon in charge, addressed
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: lets Miller outside Lee's room, where he had just finished
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: his examination. Personally, I think things went exactly as they should.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: All physical and mental responses checked out. I guess here
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: is where I'm finished, and you go to work. Lee
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: was sitting up in bed as lets Miller entered. He
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: looked just like he had in les Miller's office before
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: the operation, except for the small white bandages around his
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: head to protect his healing skull. Well, the doctor said,
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: how do you feel your head? Heard? Lets Miller checked
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: at Oudenried's office and was admitted to give his reporters.
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: Had been planned well, asked olden Reed. Lets Miller lit
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: the end of his cigar before answering, I wholly agree
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: with you. Everything seems to have worked out exactly according
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: to plan. I found him essentially the same as he
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: appeared to me during his pre operative interview. Of course,
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: he's a little foggy yet, but I suppose that's just
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: the post operative shock. Yes, that will clear up in
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: a few days. He seems alert, responsive, full memory. I
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: don't think there will be any difficulty with my part
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: of his post operative treatment, except doctor, have you ever
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: listened to a group of violins and sensed, just since
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: not actually heard, that one of them seemed about a
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: quarter of an oath flat Oudin Reed looked at him
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: strangely as lets Miller left the office and closed the door,
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  Speaker 1: end of am I still there by James R. Hall