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Donald Drumpf Theatre: January 6 Revisted or Everything Is Broken · Donald Drumpf Theatre radio show

• 0:10
  It's time again for Donald Drunk Theater No one knows what is
• 0:17
  up or down Jack or
• 0:18
  why Legal or impeachable Everything is make believe in Donald
• 0:22
  Drunk Theater So
• 0:24
  let's pull the curtain back We are controlling transmission if
• 0:28
  we wish to make it
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_03: louder
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_03: We will bring up the body.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_03: We can change the focus to a soft blur.
• 0:33
  You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance,
• 0:36
  of things and ideas.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_03: You've just crossed over into...
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_03: I hear it's fake news, but maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's fake news, okay?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_03: Now, would I do that?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 1:04
  The president of the United States has the authority to do what
• 1:07
  the president has
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_03: the authority to do.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I've declared myself as king.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_03: I learned a lot from Richard Nixon.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_03: When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_03: I could cause panic much better than even you.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_03: I could do much.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_03: I would make you look like a minor league player.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_03: So, Professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, I would, Kent.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_03: Welcome to the resistance.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_03: I promise you for the remainder of the next four years,
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_03: I will only speak to you in this tone of voice.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_03: Today is January 6, which of course is the Feast of the Epiphany.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_03: When the three wise men say with me,
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_03: Balthazar,
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_03: Gaspar,
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_03: and Melchior followed a star to Bethlehem,
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_03: then stormed the manger and stole Mary's podium.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_03: What a historic day in Washington, D.C.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_03: It is, as many of you know, January 6th.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_03: Washington, D.C., hit by winter snowstorm.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_03: That headline again, hell freezes over.
• 2:45
  And as you can see,
• 2:45
  once again,
• 2:46
  a blanket of angry white descending on the Capitol.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_03: This white, oddly enough, not as disruptive.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_03: It did snort traffic, but a lot less bear spray and Confederate flags.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_03: Of course, it is January 6th.
• 3:11
  It is the day that traditionally we now pretend that we knew
• 3:15
  was a big deal in
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_03: terms of certifying the elections.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_03: Be honest.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_03: Before that insurrection, you had no idea there was a ceremony.
• 3:28
  You had no idea there was a January 6th ceremony or what it did
• 3:31
  or why it did.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_03: Now you just got to act like, oh, yes, the reading of the election.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_03: So important.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_03: Eric Trump turned 41 years old today.
• 3:42
  His father,
• 3:43
  Donald,
• 3:45
  shared a very heartfelt post about his son on Truth Social.
• 3:48
  He wrote,
• 3:48
  had this election not been won by Donald Trump,
• 3:50
  civilization would be lost.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, wait.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_03: Screw Eric, then.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_03: He wrote nothing about Eric.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_03: It's actually very convenient that Eric's birthday is on January 6th.
• 3:59
  That way,
• 4:00
  Trump only has to remember the two biggest mistakes he ever
• 4:02
  made on one day.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_03: But today, of course...
• 4:10
  is the fourth anniversary of our Capitol being stormed by the
• 4:14
  Buffalo Wild Wing of
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_03: the Republican Party.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_03: Broken gates,
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_03: broken dishes,
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  broken parts Straits are filled with broken hearts Broken words
• 4:41
  never meant to be
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_03: spoken
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_03: I can't believe it's been four years.
• 4:48
  It seems like only yesterday Nancy Pelosi was hosing feces off
• 4:52
  her desk at the Capitol.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_03: Democrats had a moment of silence today to rub it in a little bit.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_03: And over the weekend,
• 4:59
  House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries urged Democrats to remain
• 5:02
  silent but deadly.
• 5:04
  We will fight hard to defend the freedom of opportunity that
• 5:08
  makes the American dream possible.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: We will fight hard for the freedom to vote.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_03: Why can't we do both?
• 5:17
  In a master stroke of irony,
• 5:19
  Congress certified Donald Trump's victory today of all days.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_03: This one went off without Ted Cruz having to hide in a broom closet.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_03: This time he was just in there looking at stepmom porn.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_03: But let's get to it.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_03: It always begins with the traditional children's procession.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_03: But it's good to see them bringing in the boxes there.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_03: Nice to know that democracy now has pallbearers.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_03: Poor Kamala Harris.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_03: You know,
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_03: because she's vice president and president of the Senate,
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: she had to give the official sign-off on Trump's win,
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_03: which that is cruel and unusual.
• 5:56
  I mean,
• 5:56
  this is like,
• 5:57
  it's like making your ex DJ your wedding to your new...
• 6:27
  What else?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_03: What else?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_03: Today, Donald Trump's electoral victory was certified by Congress.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, I used to feel things, too.
• 6:54
  Seems like every time you stop and turn around,
• 6:58
  something is just a hit the ground.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_02: Broken cutters,
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_02: broken saws,
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: broken buckles,
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_02: broken logs,
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_02: broken bodies,
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_03: broken bones,
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  SPEAKER_03: broken voices on broken foes.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_03: Take a deep breath, feel like you're choking.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_03: And the striking thing about this time was how normal it was again.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_03: There was no riot.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_03: No one broke a window with their beard.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_03: In fact, the whole process took only 30 minutes.
• 7:40
  Yeah,
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  democracy shouldn't take longer than it takes Rachael Ray to
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  make a meal.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_03: Peaceful transfer of power?
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_03: Yummo.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_03: You notice how uneventful it was today?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_03: The Democrats lost, and they accepted they lost.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_03: There were no vegan baristas scaling the Capitol walls.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_03: No one was wearing animal horns.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_03: No one was in face paint calling himself the Blue Anon Shaman.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_03: Did someone call the Blue Anon Shaman?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_03: No, as a matter of fact, I was just saying that there was no one.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_03: Stop the steal!
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_03: Stop the steal!
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_03: If you do not, we will squeal!
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_03: If you do not, we will squeal?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_03: We're going to squeal.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_03: And look out.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_03: We're all going to squeal.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_03: Who is we?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_03: Because it looks like you're by yourself out there.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, don't you worry.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_03: The Democrat mob is on the way.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_03: There are plenty of EV parking spaces still available for your hybrids.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_03: Single file, please display your protest placards in plain view.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_03: OK.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_03: Well, thank you very much.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, by the way, what are your pronouns?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_03: My what?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_03: Your preferred pronouns.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_03: Oh.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_03: What are they?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_03: He and him.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_03: Ew.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, kind of rapey.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_03: Wait a minute.
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  SPEAKER_03: Not very cool.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_03: What is the flag that you're holding there?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, this?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
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  SPEAKER_03: This is just our battle flag.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_03: Oh.
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  SPEAKER_03: In this house, we believe.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_03: Black lives matter.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_03: Women's rights are human's rights.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_03: Climate change is real.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_03: Love is love.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_03: OK, that all sounds reasonable.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_03: Gender is imaginary.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_03: Football is a war crime.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_03: Paw Patrol is copaganda.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_03: Jiffy Lube is the patriarchy.
• 9:45
  OK,
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  you know,
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  I still don't understand what you're doing at the Capitol,
• 9:48
  though.
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  SPEAKER_03: Donald Trump won the election.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, come on.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_03: You don't believe that, do you?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_03: I do, yes, sadly.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_03: It was a free and fair election, just like the last one was, and he won.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_03: Nonsense.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_03: Well, listen, if Trump won, then why aren't you in jail?
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_03: Hmm?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_03: I still have 14 days.
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  SPEAKER_03: All right, all right, okay.
• 10:09
  The ultimate indignity of this January 6th is that Donald
• 10:13
  Trump's opponent,
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  SPEAKER_03: Kamala Harris,
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  SPEAKER_03: because she's the vice president,
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  SPEAKER_03: serves as the master of ceremonies.
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  SPEAKER_02: The votes for president of the United States are as follows.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_02: Donald J. Trump of the state of Florida has received 312 votes.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_02: Kamala D. Harris...
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  SPEAKER_03: That's got to sting.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_03: She's like, I can hear you.
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  SPEAKER_03: God damn.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_03: It's like attending your own funeral.
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  SPEAKER_03: And even the mourners are like,
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  I can't imagine anything that would be more uncomfortable and
• 10:57
  standing there while
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_03: the crowd applauds your opponent.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_02: Kamala D. Harris of the state of California has received 226 votes.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_03: Wait, that sounded louder.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_03: There's a lot of joy in that room.
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  SPEAKER_03: I think she could still win this thing.
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  SPEAKER_03: She just needs to find like 130,000 votes in Georgia.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_03: And then,
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  SPEAKER_03: you know,
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_03: tell me she can get in Pennsylvania,
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  SPEAKER_03: maybe Wisconsin,
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_03: maybe that's the flip North Carolina.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_03: But ultimately,
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  SPEAKER_03: the certification ceremony that we all look forward to every four years,
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  SPEAKER_03: since I was little,
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_03: went off without a hitch.
• 11:42
  Because it's amazing how smoothly our democracy can work when
• 11:46
  you don't act like a
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  SPEAKER_03: little bitch when you lose.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_03: Not naming names.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_03: Just saying.
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  I'm not sure,
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  you know,
• 12:02
  what there is to say about January 6th at this point.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_03: You know, we all saw what happened.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_03: Trump lost.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_03: He said he didn't.
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  SPEAKER_03: A bunch of cowardly Republicans backed him up.
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  They all whipped up a mob which stormed the Capitol and beat
• 12:14
  police with flagpoles
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  SPEAKER_03: trying to overturn our democracy.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_03: This launched the largest criminal investigation in our nation's history.
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  SPEAKER_03: Nearly 1,600 of the rioters faced judicial inquiry
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_03: 1,000 of which have already been to trial or pleaded guilty.
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  SPEAKER_03: Out of all of them, two have been acquitted.
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  SPEAKER_03: The results are in.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_03: It was bad.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_03: Or as Trump would call it... That was a day of love.
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  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
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  SPEAKER_03: Yes, on January 6th, love was in the air.
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  SPEAKER_03: Also, bear spray.
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  And by reinstalling Donald Trump,
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  we are stepping right through the Orwellian looking glass.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_03: With Trump, hate is love, violence is peace, nugget is food.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_03: And while most Americans exist in something called,
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_03: and I hope I'm pronouncing this correctly,
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_03: reality,
• 13:06
  Trump's total whitewashing of the insurrection has convinced
• 13:09
  his base that the coup
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_03: was no big whoop.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_03: For example,
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_03: in a Washington Post poll,
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_03: 55% of voters said the January 6th riot was an attack on democracy,
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_03: but 43% said too much has been made of it,
• 13:22
  and 28% of voters said the events of January 6th were equally
• 13:27
  peaceful and violent.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_03: That makes no sense.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_03: Officer, I'm violent and peaceful.
• 13:34
  Yes,
• 13:35
  I stabbed him 20 times,
• 13:37
  but in my defense,
• 13:38
  I pulled the knife out 19 times.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_03: Okay?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: Murder saved his life.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_03: Die, die, die.
• 14:13
  Every time you leave and go out someplace Things full to pieces
• 14:19
  in my face Broken hands,
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_03: unbroken plows Broken treaties,
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_03: broken vows Broken pipes,
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_03: broken tools People bending,
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_03: broken rules Hound dogs howling,
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_03: bullfrog broken
• 15:20
  so today is a very sacred day a solemn day in american history
• 15:25
  because today i
• 15:27
  become president it's called certify okay and koala bear harris
• 15:33
  has to certify it
• 15:34
  because we won in a landslide of one percent so when you have a
• 15:39
  landslide victory
• 15:40
  like that even the radical left they can't stay they can't you
• 15:43
  can't steal an
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_03: election when you win by such a dominant margin of one percent so
• 15:50
  The Democrats wanted to steal another election,
• 15:52
  but this one we dominated too strongly.
• 15:54
  We overcame their desire to steal by dominating to a margin
• 16:00
  that nobody's ever seen.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_03: One percent.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_03: And it's like skim milk has zero percent fat.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_03: This is you have to go all the way up to one percent milk.
• 16:12
  define the equivalent amount of dominance that we demonstrated
• 16:18
  but today is a very
• 16:19
  sacred day because we remember all those hostages that are
• 16:24
  imprisoned for crimes
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_03: which is i think if you understand what a hostage is it's somebody
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_03: are in jail after a trial,
• 16:33
  who's committed a crime and is found guilty by a judge or a
• 16:36
  jury of their peers and
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_03: they're hostages.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_03: It's a horrible thing.
• 16:43
  And so obviously I'm going to pardon so many of them,
• 16:47
  maybe maybe all of them.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_03: What do you think?
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, should I pardon?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_03: I might I might pardon all of them.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_03: You've got it.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_03: You got to wait and see.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_03: But they
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_03: deserve recognition.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_03: OK, I've been recognized.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_03: I've been recognized.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_03: It's called two time president.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_03: But these sad patriots have been treated so unfairly.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_03: So the Democrats gave the blacks Juneteenth a made up
• 17:13
  holiday about the end of slavery or something in texas i mean
• 17:18
  does that sound real
• 17:20
  does that sound like a real holiday now but we're going to
• 17:22
  actually create a real
• 17:23
  holiday to balance out the fiction of juneteenth just like
• 17:27
  we're balancing out the
• 17:28
  fiction of sleepy joe's fake win in 2020 we're declaring today
• 17:34
  as soon as i'm in
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_03: office it will become a national holiday
• 17:38
  jan 6th okay where we honor the great people who demonstrated
• 17:43
  love and patriotism
• 17:45
  for their country and is there nothing more free it's it's
• 17:49
  excuse me it's called
• 17:50
  freedom when you get up on the desk of nancy pelosi and you
• 17:55
  pull down your pants
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_03: and you drop a big big turd is there anything more free
• 18:03
  I think that's the I don't know if anybody's ever felt more
• 18:06
  free than that person.
• 18:08
  So we were getting a commemorative stamps of the patriot who
• 18:13
  took it like he'll be
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_03: mid turd on the stamp.
• 18:16
  And we expect everybody to use our beautiful mail service to
• 18:21
  use those stamps
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_03: beautifully to show you're a patriot.
• 18:24
  And we will honor these people who peacefully punched police
• 18:31
  officers peacefully.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_03: It's called peace.
• 18:34
  Peacefully broke windows and peacefully took turds on desks and
• 18:39
  came in with
• 18:39
  peaceful zip ties to peacefully assault and possibly peacefully
• 18:44
  lynch Mike Pence.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_03: It's called peace.
• 18:47
  So Jan 6th,
• 18:48
  everybody,
• 18:49
  everyone,
• 18:50
  white people have the day off from school.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_03: OK.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_03: And also delusional Latinos,
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_03: you know,
• 18:57
  like I remember that guy who ran the Proud Boys or something
• 18:59
  that in that case,
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_03: people like him can have the day off,
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_03: too.
• 19:03
  But it's to celebrate peace and love and freedom and to never
• 19:07
  have a horrible day
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_03: like what the Democrats did to us and Mike Pence did to us on Jan 6th.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_03: So
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_03: Freedom today as I get certified to be president.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_03: But Jan 6th, get ready, white kids and delusional Latinos.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_03: You will have a beautiful day off.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_03: It'll be like a snow day, even if it doesn't snow.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_03: Jan 6th will be like it'll be the snow day,
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_03: because even if it's not snowing,
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_03: it will be overflowing with whites.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_03: So thank you.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_03: I look forward to pardoning people and getting away with crimes.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_03: Bye bye.
• 19:47
  President-elect Donald Trump is starting off the new year by
• 19:51
  threatening to take
• 19:51
  over a bunch of foreign countries right before he gets
• 19:54
  sentenced for a felony conviction,
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_03: after which he will,
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_03: instead of going to jail,
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_03: become the president.
• 20:00
  I didn't know that you'd be any leaving Who you thought you
• 20:04
  were talking to I
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_03: figured maybe we're even Or maybe I'm one up on you
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_03: Just like I did before I tried to eat you, honey
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_03: When Donald Trump won in November,
• 20:31
  it was largely on the promise of improving the everyday lives
• 20:34
  of American people,
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_03: from fixing inflation after it was already fixed,
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_03: to fighting the nationwide crime wave that he made up.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_03: And today,
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_03: in a press conference from Mar-a-Lago,
• 20:44
  Trump announced one of those common sense kitchen table
• 20:47
  policies that Americans
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_03: have been waiting for.
• 20:49
  We're going to be changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to
• 20:55
  the Gulf of America.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: Let's do that.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: Why the hell not?
• 21:04
  Yeah,
• 21:04
  we have been so concerned about all the scary things that
• 21:08
  Trump's going to do.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: We forgot he's also going to do some really stupid things.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: Drifting to five for sure.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: I guess Gulf of America does have a ring to it,
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: as in there was another horrific oil spill in the Gulf of America.
• 21:51
  Donald Trump is about to face sentencing for a felony
• 21:53
  conviction and be inaugurated
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_03: as president of the United States again,
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_03: claimed,
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_03: among other things,
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_03: that special counsel Jack Smith executes people.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_03: Wayne Gretzky should run for prime minister of Canada.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_03: Electric heaters make you itchy.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_03: Faucets have no water.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_03: Said he's going to rename the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America,
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_03: and he won't rule out using the military to take over Greenland.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_03: My man!
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_03: I never could guess your weight, baby Never needed to call you my boy
• 22:29
  This morning,
• 22:30
  Donald Trump is waging a last stand against special counsel
• 22:33
  Jack Smith.
• 22:34
  The president-elect legal team filing a motion to block what
• 22:37
  they call the imminent
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_02: release of Smith's final report in the classified documents case.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_02: The federal case against Trump has already been dismissed,
• 22:45
  but this report is a final chance for Smith to make his case in
• 22:49
  the court of public opinion.
• 22:50
  Breaking news involving President-elect Trump's hush money case
• 22:54
  in Manhattan.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_02: We just learned the judge has set a sentencing date.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: The Trump team had asked Judge Juan Mershon to dismiss this case,
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: but today the judge said no,
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: dismissing the Trump team's motions instead.
• 23:06
  Judge Mershon scheduled a sentencing for January 10th,
• 23:10
  just 10 days before Trump's inauguration.
• 23:13
  We're talking about the criminal case here involving Stormy
• 23:16
  Daniels and hush money.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's focus on the price of eggs.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: President-elect Donald Trump urging America's northern neighbor to,
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: quote,
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: merge with the U.S.,
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: saying many people in Canada love being the 51st state.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_03: Canada and the United States, that would really be something.
• 23:47
  You get rid of that artificially drawn line and you take a look
• 23:51
  at what that looks like.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: That would go all the way from the Arctic down to the Gulf of America.
• 24:16
  Probably the craziest part of the press conference came when a
• 24:18
  reporter asked Trump
• 24:19
  about his recent obsession with taking over Greenland and the
• 24:23
  Panama Canal.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_03: And Trump refused to rule out using military force.
• 24:27
  Let's start,
• 24:28
  if we could,
• 24:29
  with your references to Greenland and the Panama Canal.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_03: Can you assure the world that as you try to get control of these areas,
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_03: you are not going to use military or economic coercion?
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_03: No, I can't assure you on either of those two.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_03: Now,
• 24:50
  if you're someone who voted for Trump because you thought he'd
• 24:52
  bring down inflation
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_03: or make housing or healthcare more affordable,
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_03: bad news.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_03: He didn't talk about any of that because he's not going to do it.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_03: of the memories, too.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_03: I wait a year sometimes for what I wanted.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody can't be as lucky as you.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_03: Well, no more do I wonder why you don't have a play with me anymore.
• 25:38
  And in a moment you get to wonder,
• 25:40
  cause you're drifting too far from shore.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, drifting too far from shore.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_03: You and me, we've had completeness.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_03: I'd give you all of what I could provide.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_03: We weren't on the wrong side, sweetness.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_03: We were the wrong side.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_03: I've already ripped out the horns, honey.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_03: We can't walk the streets in a war.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_03: I can finish this alone, honey.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_03: You're drifting too far from shore.
• 26:36
  The Donny Lama did manage to exit the spotlight today on this
• 26:40
  uplifting note.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_03: And I'll just say it again.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_03: If this deal is not done with the people representing our nation,
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_03: by the time I get to office,
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_03: all hell is going to break out.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you very much.
• 27:03
  Thanks for the songs for episode 219 of Donald Trump Theater
• 27:06
  from Bob Dylan,
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_03: The Smiths,
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_03: and Golden Earring.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_03: And thanks for the clips and excerpts from Stephen Colbert,
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_03: Jimmy Kimmel,
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_03: Hakeem Jeffries,
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_03: The Blue and Aunt Shaman,
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_03: Kamala Harris,
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_03: J.L.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_03: Kavan, Seth Meyers, and Desi Lighting.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_03: We know that the moon and stars
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_03: So you look out on the door.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_03: When the bottom hits the bone.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_03: So you look out on the door.