Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1169 - Birthday Party Politics

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#1169 - Birthday Party Politics · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Birthday party politics. Oh my goodness, what do you do
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: when it's time for a birthday party for your children
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: and your child wants to invite the whole class, or worse,
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: they only want to invite a couple of people, but
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: you're worried that people will find out? Or what do
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: you do when your child doesn't get an invite to
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: somebody who they thought was their friend when their friends
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: having a party. Hello, This is The Happy Family's podcast,
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions, every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We are Justin and Kylie Courson. We're the parents, have
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: six kids, and we've done We've been through the ringer
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: on the birthday party circus. I think would be the
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: right word for it.
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: I want to say that this is a jen Alpha
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: specific challenge as well as a kid. I don't remember
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: getting too.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: Upset as a kid back in my day. Sorry, every
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: time you say I shouldn't I shouldn't do this, But
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: when I say when I was a kid, the kids
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: look at me, they roll their eyes and they're like,
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: you are so old.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: You are so old.
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  Speaker 1: You mean back in the nineteen hundreds, Dad, back in
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: the nineteen hundreds when you were a kid. So when
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: I was a kid, sonny is what missus? Anyway, when
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: you were a kid, When you were a kid growing
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: up in the nineteen seventies of the nineteen eighties and
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: having birthday parties, what happened missus? Happy families.
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: I don't ever remember being part of a mass celebration.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: Birthday parties were a really I'm going to say, intimate affair.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: There was only a handful of kids that came along.
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: The parties you really wanted to go to were the
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: McDonald's parties where you got your happy meal, like that
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  Speaker 2: was exciting.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: I have a story about so New Southwest Central Coast
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  Speaker 1: West Gosford yack Donald's. I call it yack Donalds McDonald's,
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  Speaker 1: you know what I mean. There was a railway carriage
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: on the grounds there and that's where they hosted all
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: the kid's birthday parties. And I got excited at my
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: birthday party. I've always been known to have a good appetite.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: I was eight or nine years of age, and I
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: ate so many happy meals that actually you don't want,
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: you don't want the rest of the story. It wasn't
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: a happy day for me. It ended up being really miserable,
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: but all my friends had a great time at that
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: birthday party. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: share that story. I would agree, though, I mean, when
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: I was a kid, we tended to have just a
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: few close friends come along.
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: It was about having your best friends. Yeah, the kids
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  Speaker 2: that you hang out with all the time, people that
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: you have what I would consider intimate relationships with.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: The tip wasn't about parcel how.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: Many people can I squeeze into the laundroom?
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: And the less people you had, the more cake you
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: got on your plate.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: But here's the thing, because it was an intimate affear,
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: you didn't have fourteen girls in the class upset that
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: they didn't get to come to your birthday party.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: Because everyone knew there was only six people invited in total.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: And unless you were a bestie.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: And they're your best friends, right yeah, yeah, But when
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: you start inviting other kids who are on the fringes
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: of your social groups, and then other kids are looking
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  Speaker 2: and going well, hanging a sec they're about the same
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: good status as me.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: This is a great insight. The more people you have,
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: the more people expect to go because the more they say, well,
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: it's for everybody because you're not close with that many people.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: Whereas the smaller parties, even as adults, it's much nicer
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: to sit down with two or four friends, like a
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: total party of six, than to have thirty people around.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: It just doesn't feel as good. I like where you're going.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: So if I'm a parent and I'm having a birthday
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  Speaker 1: party for my kiddo sometime in term one this year,
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: I'm planning something for term two, what do I need
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  Speaker 1: to think about as a host in terms of numbers.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: Look, I'm a party planner. I absolutely love this. This
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  Speaker 2: is my favorite space.
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  Speaker 1: You theme our kids' parties, which I find a little
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: bit extra, but you can't get enough of it.
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  Speaker 2: It's my creative outlet.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, and you do it really well.
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  Speaker 2: So the kids don't ever say to me, Mum, I
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: really loved my ninth birthday, but they will say to me, Mum,
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: you know that paint party you did for me? I
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: did a paint party. I think. I think every one
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: of our children have had a paint party at different ages. Right,
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  Speaker 2: So our sixteen year old decided she wanted to have
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: a paint war. I remember that, and we went down
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: to the local high school and used their field and
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: they all had a white T shirt and they completely
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: obliterate each other with paint and it was awesome.
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  Speaker 1: So moving away from themes, because that's not the purposes today,
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  Speaker 1: we're talking about birthday party politics.
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  Speaker 2: The politics. The most important thing to start any party
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: planning is who's coming? Right, who's coming? I think it's
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: a really important conversation to be having with our kids.
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  Speaker 2: Who do you want to come to your party? And why?
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  Speaker 1: Okay, I have a question for you, a legitimate question.
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  Speaker 1: I have an opinion on it, but I don't really
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  Speaker 1: know the answer. Is it okay to have everyone in
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: the class come to the party.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: Of course, if you want to do that, that's fine. Right.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: So, if you've got the space, you've got the resources,
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  Speaker 1: you've got the time, if you're willing to put the
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: effort in to have thirty kids in the house, fill
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: your boots, go for it. But that's not most people.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: Is that fair?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not most people. Therefore, I actually feel like
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: you're setting up for failure. That's honestly, my honest opinion.
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: It's a chaotic experience and for most kids it's actually overwhelmed.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: Okay, So here's what I'm hearing. If you're hosting, work
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: out the logistics, figure out who your child really wants
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: to invite, and keep it to numbers that everybody feels
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: can be practical and work really nicely. I've got one
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: other piece of advice on this, and just one that is,
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: once you've got your invite list, communicate with the invitees
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: that is the children and also with the parents and
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: let them know this is a small thing when not
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: inviting everybody. And we'd really like it if you could
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: be thoughtful and consider it of others by not telling
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: everybody that this party is happening. Otherwise people are going
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: to feel like they're missing out and it puts everybody
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  Speaker 1: in awkward positions.
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I think the only time that it's really affected
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: me is when someone has come to me and said, oh,
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: are you going to so and so's birthday party?
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: And you kind of go, oh, it's like that, am
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: I not important to them?
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. But outside of that, knowing that they've had a
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: birthday party and I wasn't invited didn't affect me in
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: the same way.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: In school playgrounds, I've heard this far too often. Kids
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: will go up to one another and say you going
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: to Soonso's birthday party. And that's the painful bit. So
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: teaching the kids, I mean, this is a great opportunity
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  Speaker 1: to teach it a little bit of emotional intelligence, to
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  Speaker 1: teach empathy, help children to understand that being invited to
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: a birthday party is a privilege and we should approach
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  Speaker 1: it with sensitivity because not everybody gets an invite. To me,
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: that's the best way to deal with the birthday party politics.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: When you're hosting so.
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: I guess inviting in the inviting process, it's really important
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  Speaker 2: that we're discreed as well. If we're having six.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: Kids in my walk around the classroom holding out the
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: who's coming to my party? I wonder who's going to
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  Speaker 1: get this invitation?
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  Speaker 2: And so often that's what happens, right because we're busy,
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: we don't know the kids' parents and things like that,
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: and so it can be a little bit challenging.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: The classroom WhatsApp group could go haywire if we.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: Do this wrong. Yeah, but for younger kids, what has
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: worked really well in the past is actually handing the
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  Speaker 2: invites to the teacher. Usually kids will have a homework
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  Speaker 2: folder or something and they can just slot it into
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  Speaker 2: the homework folder without anyone being aware of it, nice
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: and discreet. If you know the parents, then obviously you
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: can send it via snail mail. Who does that anymore?
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: Does anyone do that? I don't know, but I love
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: getting in a letter, just putting it out there if
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: anyone wants to send meone. But with social media as well,
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  Speaker 2: we've got avenues that we can send digital invites that
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: again don't have to be passed around in the classroom.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so birthday party politics when you're hosting discretion is
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: probably the number one tip. After the break, we're going
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: to talk about what happens when your child is not
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  Speaker 1: invited to a party that you're pretty sure they should
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: have been invited to. Okay, birthday party politics. Your child
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: hasn't been invited to a birthday party. You thought that
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  Speaker 1: your child was great friends with this kiddo, and now
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  Speaker 1: they're on the outer. My advice two words, crash it.
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  Speaker 2: You're so bad.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: Now, I'm just kidding, you're so bad.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: I'm just going back to the one word that you
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  Speaker 2: used before the break was privilege. It's a privilege to
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  Speaker 2: be invited, and sometimes that privilege is not afforded to us,
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  Speaker 2: and this is a really awesome opportunity to teach again
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  Speaker 2: teach our kids' empathy. This doesn't feel nice, does it?
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  Speaker 2: If you know, when it comes time for you to invite,
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  Speaker 2: it's really important to be aware of our other people
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  Speaker 2: may feel.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, how are you going to hand out the invitations?
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  Speaker 2: Yes?
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  Speaker 1: How are you going to communicate?
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  Speaker 2: Secondly, if you want to put a really positive spin
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  Speaker 2: on this, this is actually a wonderful opportunity for you
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  Speaker 2: to say, Look, I know you weren't invited to the party,
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  Speaker 2: but why don't we have so and so over when
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: we can celebrate their birthday together? And I've done that
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  Speaker 2: with a few of our kids, and I actually have
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  Speaker 2: turned it into an opportunity for them to have one
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  Speaker 2: on one time with their friend and we've celebrated by
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: going out, having a special dinner or going down to
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: the park depending on what age they are, and doing
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: something nice together.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it softens the blow. I mean, you don't have
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: to do something like that, but it's really nice when
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: the kids feel like you've got that. They're a bit
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: sad and they do have other friends and other ways
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: of spending time with people that they love. I think
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: it's really a nice idea. There are a couple of
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: other things that I'd love to share that might be useful.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: First one, I'm a I'm a bit so so on
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: it really depends on the nature of the relationship that
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: you share with the other adult and the quality of
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: the relationship that your child has with their child. I
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: think that it could work from time to time if
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: you just approached them and said, Hey, is everything okay
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: with our kids? I heard there was a party that
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: you guys are having and that my one hadn't been invited.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: I thought things were good. I just want to make
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: sure it is still good. There's no pressure, there's no guilt,
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: and we're totally fine if it can't happen. Just wanted
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: to check in.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: So I'm going to push back on that one. Maybe
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: because I don't like confrontation.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: I can be kind of direct.
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: It's definitely not something that I would be comfortable or
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: comfortable having somebody come to me with that. But I think,
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: based on my previous experience and the conversations that I've
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: been part of, when parents have done that, it kind
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: of comes across like a little bit of entitlement. My
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: child should be there, and I'm not sure why. If
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: you were going to have that conversation, I would suggest
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: having it after the parties happened. You're not actually asking
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: for the children to attend, but you are checking in
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: to just say, you know, hey, I heard there was
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: a party. I'm not upset. I just want to check
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: in and see if everything's okay with our kids. Right.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: I thought the kids were quite good friends, and I'm
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: just making sure is there anything I can do to
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: support their relationship?
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: And I love the way you've told me that I'm
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: wrong with what I've said without telling me that I'm wrong.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: By coming up with a better idea but making it
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: sound like it was my idea. That's a great idea.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: The other one you might also push back on, although
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: I don't think that you will. There's been a bit
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: of noise made on socials recently with a US commentator
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: and author by the name of Mel Robbins who's got
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: this new book out called Let Them, and I think
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: this is a great opportunity for us to just teach
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: our kids some resilience, let them know that sometimes life
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: is like that. If they're going to have a party
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: and not invite you let them. If they're going to
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: invite a whole bunch of people around and you're going
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: to miss out, let them. This is their life, this
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: is their choice. You'll have your opportunity to make your
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: decisions at the appropriate time as well. Let's let them be.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: That's who they are, that's what they've decided, and that's fine.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: I think there's real power in just accepting that this
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: is what they've decided to do and letting them be them, and.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: Going back to that conversation around empathy. This gives our
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: children a wonderful opportunity to take a different perspective and
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: recognize how other people feel in the same situation.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: Okay, there's the birthday party politics unraveled. Hopefully hopefully so
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: real parenting solutions you can use very very soon. I'm
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: sure that this is to come up in most primary
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: school classes in the next little while. The Happy Family
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. If
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: you'd like more info and more resources for making your
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: family happier, please visit us at Happy families dot com
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: dot au.