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Episode 826: Chasing Normal with Beck Thompson · The Trauma Therapist

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Trauma Therapist Podcast. Plus listeners can listen to episodes early and ad free right
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now. Become a Plus listener by going to Apple Podcasts searching for the Trauma
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Therapist Podcast and signing up today right Welcome back to the Trauma Thepist podcast.
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My name is Gamiferson. My mission is to help Trauma therapist be their incredible
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selves, to be human, to be real, not just a clinician.
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I'm a big believer in who we are is more important than what we know,
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and this requires cultivating authenticity, genuineness, and vulnerability, and that requires
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intention. Can learn more about my courses and workshops by going to the Trauma
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Therapist Project dot com. That's the Trauma Therapist Project dot com. Let's get
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started, all right, here we go. So five four, three,
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two and one, our folks, welcome back to the very excited to have
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as my guest today, Beck Thompson, Beck, welcome you for having me
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to bin awesome. So, despite her early life being dominated by charld to
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trauma and parental neglect, you will not hear Beck using the terms survivor or
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thriver. Trauma would not be the hero nor the legacy of her life.
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She's made it her mission to change the way her child to trauma tainted her
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view of the world. Her approach to trauma recovery is determined and abashedly honest,
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getting real with a girl within to repair and renew her sense of worth
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and value. Beck is the author of the memoir Chasing Normal, and as
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a primary teacher, speaker, and presenter, she brings a unique perspective,
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inspiring others with her unwaving belief and change and the human capacity for healing.
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Welcome to the podcast. So before we get go in here, share with
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the listeners where you're from originally and where you are currently. I'm from I
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was born in Melbourne and lived there for probably nine years, and then I
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moved to a little country town about two and a half hours away, and
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then yeah, lived there for most of my adult shood, I guess.
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And then I decided to on a whim just to move up to Queensland,
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which is a couple of states north from Victoria. So yeah, I've been
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up here about ten eleven years now. So yeah, I love it up
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here. All right, sounds good? All right, back, so let's
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get into this. There's no way to say this. This sounds very intense.
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How did all this start for you in my healing or my well,
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the healing started because of trauma? How where dooever you to start? Well?
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Look, I always pinot back to when I finished school. I had,
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you know, like a gap year where I thought I didn't want to
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go to school and I thought I wanted to explore other avenues like my friends
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were. The Only thing is they had the courage and the means and the
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money and the skills. I didn't. I was what twenty years of age
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or what I was. Actually I wasn't even eighteen. I was probably seventeen
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and a half. I was a bit of an early finisher. But yeah,
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I tried the gap year where I tried to explore life. And problem
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was I had no idea about life. I had just did not have the
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skills. I certainly didn't have the emotional development to even have a go at
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life as you try to even in your late teens. And yeah, just
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failed miserably. I had applied for university and I just I remember sitting in
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my room one day going, if I don't do something, I'm going to
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be stuck in this room for a very long time doing absolutely nothing, and
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I was broke. I was miserable. I would say if I was diagnosed
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back then, I was probably depressed. So I just fortunately I decided to
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take up a university offer and switch degrees. I was originally going to do
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business, and I didn't really want to do that, so I decided to
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go into teaching instead. And that was kind of the just the momentum I
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needed to get up and do something, because I knew the alternative of sitting
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there depressed and broke was not going to change. So I had to at
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least get up. And the thing that I and I talk about this a
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lot now, school was my safety. So going to university wasn't so much
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about getting the degree at the time. It was four years, and my
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first thought was, that's four years. I don't have to engage in the
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world. I can go and study and go to the library and stick to
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myself and rely on those supportive, nurturing teachers that I had throughout all my
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school. And it was four years. I didn't have to think about what
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I was going to do with my life beyond that. So I decided to
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do that, and I think I did quite well at that. Yeah,
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and of course you know there were challenges along that way as well, because
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you know, kids are still wanting to have fun at university and go to
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parties, and I was just trying to learn as much as I could about
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how you have fun. I mean it really was like that for me,
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How do I have fun when I had so much internally going on? And
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I never understood that. I never understood how kids could go out and party
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and drink and socialize and just seem like nothing mattered except what was happening in
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that moment where I just felt like I was carrying this baggage of trauma,
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of emotional abandonment, of parental abandonment, and neglect, and I didn't know
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how to separate. Well, I don't feel like I could separate the two.
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I couldn't just go, that's going to have fun tonight. I was
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like, no, all this baggage with me. Let me interject here.
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So you mentioned depression and all this baggage and trauma. So was the trauma
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and then neglect that you speak of here? Was that conscious during this time?
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Were you aware of this? Oh? Absolutely? Okay, So you're
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aware of what you experience because some people are like no, I you know,
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I didn't realize what it was. So had up to this point,
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had you sought any help at all? Look no, because at the time
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the police were actually involved. When I was fourteen and I was sat down
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with my mother and questioned whether the abuse by her father and my paternal grandfather
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was true, and I knew it was that crossroad in my life. Was
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I going to say yes or no? And how was my life going to
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look beyond that? And so I knew I wanted the abuse to stop.
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So I knew that by saying yes, speaking that truth, that things were
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absolutely going to change, And of course they did. I was offered,
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I was after, I was offered foster care initially, and I was also
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offered counseling. And at the time, I just wanted my normal back,
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you know. I wanted to I wanted to keep with my friends, the
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few friends I had. I wanted that normality. I didn't want things to
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change. It was it was hard enough to speak out about the abuse then
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be displaced somewhere somewhere I didn't know, away from my little town, away
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from my friends, away from other people. So I and I didn't think
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talking about it back then was going to change anything, So you were did
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you want to get away from your mother? Ah? Oh, I don't
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know. I don't know if I thought about it like that because I knew
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that she wouldn't have dress. She shut down immediately. There was absolutely no
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investigation from her. It was just flat out denial and it was like it
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didn't happen, So that conversation didn't happen. She went into her own world
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of disassociation. So it was kind of easy. And I had my room
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as my sanctuary. I always spoke about that, especially in my book,
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where I just talk about my room being my sanctuary. So it didn't bother
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me that she was kind of there because she was never like, she didn't
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get angry at me, she didn't spite words at me. She just didn't
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say anything. So it was a pretense. It was just, oh,
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well, just pretended the elephants there, but we just won't well, won't
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acknowledge it that kind of thing during that time. How did you manage day
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to day? I often think about that because I know I've got a thirteen
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year old and I just think if she was in that position without a parent,
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I think you just learn to adapt, you know, I do you're
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young, You've got nowhere else to go. I didn't want to take the
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foster option. You just you adapt the best you can. I didn't go
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to school a lot. I went for school, but then i'd wag.
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I found a group who didn't want to go to school either, and I
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thought, well, you know, because you know, learning is the first
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furthest thing from your mind. You're really just there to maybe even try and
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find some solace. It's just a lot of avoidance. You just go,
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Okay, well this is the way it's going to be. I guess my
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priority was is that I was the abuse had stopped, and I'd already gone
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through abuse since I was six and a half years old from both my grandfathers.
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You know, for me, that was the price. That was absolutely
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the prize that you know, he maintained he would never come back in the
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house, and so that was a win for me, like, great,
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I actually have a safe place to be that I don't always have to escape
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or avoid. So yeah, I don't know, it's amazing what you get
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through. I guess when you're young. So fourteen fifteen, sixteen, seventeen
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eighteen, you talked about the time and what sounds like a dorm room or
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whatever, trying to figure out what the hell are you going to do with
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your life during those years? To what degree were you functional? You know,
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how how did you survive? And you didn't You don't use that word
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survivor a survivor or thriv but how did you maintain? Well, you just
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have to I don't know, because I think you just it's one foot in
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front of the other. I don't think you. Just like I said,
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school was such a big part of my life. It was the only place
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even though I would you know, play truancy every now and then, it
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was still a place where I could still just go and I could escape home
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and you could have those separate environments, and you know, distraction plays a
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huge part in it, as long as you've got something else going on.
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I do remember the you know, sitting with the anxiety of knowing I had
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to go back home because you know, my grandfather would still show up and
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sit in the driveway every week. And you know, of course my grandmother
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was there and she cut me out of her life, so I was completely
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ostracized from my family. And I guess, I don't know, I think
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I don't know how my mum perceived it. It was just, you know,
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she didn't want to, she didn't want to openly make a choice,
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but she did. Obviously, where's your dad in the picture? He was
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long gone. He Uh, My parents divorced when I was I was six,
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and we actually moved into his his his father's house where the abuse started
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there. But he sort of waffed it in and out. But there was
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no relationship there either. So yeah, I don't know. You just yeah,
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let's let's talk about you know, how at what point did you start
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to address this, increase your awareness about it to such to the degree that
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you were like, Okay, I'm going to rate this book. You know
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what was going on? What was the impetus for that genesis for that?
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Oh gosh, it's such a look. I I just remember falling into a
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pattern and a lot of people tell me I'm very self aware, and I
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kind of I don't reject it, but I go, really, I don't
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know, but I just I guess because I've rejected counseling in my gap year.
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I didn't I still didn't seek it. But what happened was that eighteen
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months into my degree, I deferred I didn't want to do it anymore because
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I was waking up every morning feeling heavy and depressed, and I was crying,
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and I didn't know what was going on. I mean, this is
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back in the nineties, and we didn't talk about depression. I didn't talk
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about anxiety. It was just there's something going on with me, and I
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can't even I'd go to a lecture and I could not get through a lecture
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without bursting into tears. And I just didn't know what was going on.
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But you know, I try to avoid it. I'm like, well,
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I've just got to get up. I've just got to keep going, and
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you know, you try and give yourself those pet talks like what the hell
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is wrong with you? And couldn't afford to drink, so I would smoke,
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and you know, I just try and get through it. And I
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remember moving away because my theory was if I move away, the problems will
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stay and I'll just be able to go and have that fantasy life. And
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I was looking at all these beautiful townhouses. I was eighteen, probably nearly
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nineteen, and looking I'll just move into a townhouse. It's completely fantasy world,
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and I'll just get a job and this was four hours away with a
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girlfriend at the time. And what I found was that I couldn't get a
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day job, but I got like a night waitressing job, and because nights
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were particularly hard for me. You'd finish the day and then I'd go to
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my room and i'd sit there and I would be really depressed again. I'd
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be crying, I'd be, you know, just having all these suicide ideations
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of trying to escape. And I thought, well, if I'm working at
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night, then I'll be fine. It'll take care of that. It'll keep
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me distracted. And what I found was that the nights were fine because I
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was distracted, but during the day I was really struggling and I just couldn't
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work it out. I'm like, I can't escape this. It doesn't matter
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what I do. And I actually had my name on a waiting list back
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in my hometown for counseling, specifically for sexual assault, and there was a
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wait list. So I walked into the local one and I just needed to
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be somewhere. And I remember walking in and I sat in the waiting room
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and the receptionist said, can I help you? And I said no,
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I'm okay, I've got my name and a waiting list. I sneak somewhere
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to be. I don't feel good right now, and she said you need
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to leave because this is an a holding thought. And I said, no,
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I'm really not okay right now. I felt quite suicidal. And she
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said, no, this is not a waiting spot for you. If you
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don't have an appointment, you need to leave. And I said, look,
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my have you got an appointment? She said in about four weeks?
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And I screamed and I was not like that. I would never scream at
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anyone. I said, I don't have four weeks like I really felt like
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it was the end for me. And she said, I'm sorry, you
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have to go. And so I got in the car and I was just
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looking for a tree. I just thought, what tree can I just plow
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into? And I realized while I was speeding down this open road, I
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said, I've been doing this for years, just trying to run away,
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just trying to distract myself, and nothing's working. It's clear this is not
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my life. I cannot have my life. I had big dreams, I
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had goals. I wanted to be normal, you know. I wanted the
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family, the job, the kids, the husband, I wanted that,
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and I was not getting it the way it was going. So I ended
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up packing up going back to my hometown, waiting out the four weeks I
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had left and getting counseling and just starting that process of going I need someone
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to hear me, because because my story or my experience had been mocked and
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ignored and shut down by my own family, by my own mother, by
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my own father. I just I felt that was the first step. I
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just needed to share what had happened to me to someone that felt like they
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gave a damn, you know, And that was really my starting point.
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And I kind of stopped quite a few years after that. Jesus back intense.
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You know, you talked about that just looking for that tree? Had
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you prior to that, had you you talked about suicidal ideation? Had you
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actually try to take your life prior to that? No, I wanted to.
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I know it sounds I just I wanted to, but there was always
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that I just always felt like there I wasn't giving myself a chance. And
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I knew that if I did that, what would my life? How I
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just didn't think it was fair. I really wanted to because the pain was
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so intense, and I just felt so alone in the world, and I
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just could not see a way that I was going to get to where I
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wanted to be. But I just thought, if I do that, then
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I haven't given myself a chance. What's life like if I do, if
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I do care about myself, if I do find people that will love and
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support me. And that's really I always had this kind of inner voice going,
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but what about you? You know, what about you know that little
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girl that was never heard and supported? And I just felt I had to
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give her that chance. Yeah, so you started seeing someone. What was
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it like when you when someone did listen to you? Well, I it
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was. It was strange, Actually it was I was waiting for the mocking
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I was waiting for and I speak. I actually devoted a whole chapter to
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one of my first appointments and waiting for her to go. That's enough.
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Come on, is that really true? Have you twisted it a little bit?
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Have you misinterpreted it a little bit? Here? And just very you
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you went into therapy for sexual abuse. It wasn't like for depression or anxiety,
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and so the whole I'm guessing the therapist you saw was experienced. Yeah,
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Okay, sexual assault counselors, Okay, so you didn't you were like
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waiting for them for the marketing to happen. Yeah, because I'd never you
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know, I'd never I hadn't met an adult that had aside from the police
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taking my statement, which is their job too, it's not their job to
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judge or ascertain the truth. It's just tell us what happened. Yeah,
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it was. I just remember going, there's got to be a limit on
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what I can say, because surely you're going to tell me that this really
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isn't true. And my grandfather, my maternal one, was a police officer.
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So they don't do the wrong thing, do they, you know?
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And so but after a while, she was everything I needed. It was
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just I was waiting for my fortnightly appointment to see her because I just felt
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stuff, you know, I don't know, it's like that unloading and someone's
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there with a giant hug just to go yeah, and like because I've never
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had that with my mother, Like I was never embraced by my mum.
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I was never my god, what happened, When did it happen? How
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long did it happen? There was just nothing, and so it just she
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was an incredible woman. I and I saw her for you know, probably
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chased her there wherever she moved. I found her and I were just kidding,
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Wow, So can you I mean that sounds amazing and incredible. Were
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there in addition to her? Can you talk a little bit about something or
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things that she did that helped you in your healing process? Also? You
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know, it's funny when people say, you know, we're hearing a lot
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now, we just need to be heard. And I've been thinking about that
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a lot because I didn't think of it that way at the time. I
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needed I needed like a mom, I needed someone to love me, and
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and I didn't. I just didn't realize how important it was to be able
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to share an experience that's so so deep and and you know, just strips
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you of your childhood, you know, and that foundation of safety and trusting
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a caregiver. I didn't realize how critical that is to development and a sense
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of just belief in yourself and just a worthy in yourself. I had no
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idea, so it just became she just you know, there was one bit,
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and I read, I wrote, I rewrote my book probably five times.
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And I'm grateful that I did, because there was one moment that I
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didn't realize I hadn't put in the book that was and I read it.
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I can still read it now and it tears me up because there was one
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point where she looked at me and she asked me about my mum and I
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became a bit defiant, like, I don't care, I don't care what
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my mum thinks. I just need to talk about it and move on.
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I had this kind of pragmatic approach. I'm just going to get through it
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and dump it and move on with my life, thinking it was done.
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And she I remember, she said, you know, because it was around
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you know the fact that my mom had never given me any support. And
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she looked at me and she said, but what if she had what if
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she had back? And I could not look at her, and I felt
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that she just she pinpointed the core of my pain that the one thing I
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needed, the one very thing that a little girl needed, was her mum
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to pick her up and say I'm here and I will never let anyone hurt
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you again. And it just it crushed me and I just went wow.
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I didn't realize how because I you know, you know, when you talked
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before about how did I get through it? I had to. There was
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a there's a part of you that has to pretend you don't care. Oh,
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I don't care. I don't care that mom doesn't need me. And
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I guess I'd parade it around like that for a while. I don't care.
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It doesn't matter that my mom doesn't believe me. It doesn't matter because
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if he didn't say that and looked at the truth, it would crush anybody.
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Yeah, And I think she just kind of she she always sort of
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came in gentle and she tested the waters. Can bet candle this today?
26:03
Sure? And if she can't, and I'm going to watch all the cues
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and I'll pull back. And she just she was so good like that,
26:14
and an incomplete opposition. I remember earlier on I was so desperate for her
26:19
to see someone who ring this cycline at two in the morning, which was
26:22
quite regular for me, and I remember meeting up with this psychiatrist and he
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had the complete opposite approach. He was just he was right in there.
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He's like, what are you afraid of? What do you want to talk
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about? What do you want to deal with? And I just couldn't handle.
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I'm like, I don't know what are you talking about? And I
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ended up running out. I never saw him again. But this lady,
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she she just she nurtured it and she she just you know, she just
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gently went in and gently came out, and you ate, I saw her.
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Do you call her by her name in the Buka? I do?
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Her name is so amazing, I did. I actually got in contact,
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believe it or not. So I'm, you know, my mid forties now,
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and I got in contact with her as I was writing the book.
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Funnily enough, I must have a way of tracking her down, and I
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asked her for her permission. I said, do you mind if I use
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your name? Yeah, And she's been amazing. I sent her a copy
27:27
and everything, and yeah, it's so lovely because she she's a part of
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my upbringing. That's the way I say it. You know, she's that
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crucial model that I needed. And yeah, it was amazing. The book
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is called Chasing Normal. It's a memoir. Why did you write the book?
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Well, I always thought I would. I had this sort of idea
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in my head that one day I'm going to write a story about my life.
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And funnily enough, I've still got the typewriter version when I started writing
28:03
when I was nineteen, and I hadn't even done any work yet. I
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look at it now and go, gosh, I don't even know the mountain
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you had ahead of you, And then I can. I pursued it when
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I was forty. I wrote it because it's such a common story. I
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know that my story is not in isolation. Unfortunately, abuse is so common,
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and because I talk about the subsequent mental illness that I developed in response
28:33
to all of this, and it's quite severe, I wanted people to see
28:38
that we cannot overcome these things. It's a lot of work, and you've
28:44
really got to do a lot of internal stuff. You've got to be willing
28:47
to look at the pain and sit with it. But I just I wanted
28:53
my normality, and I deserved that much. I deserved a chance at that,
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and I just I wanted to bring a relatively common story two people to
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say, look this, I don't I'm pretty raw and honest in my book.
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I share all the warts because I'm not ashamed of You know, what
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do we expect when you go through sexual abuse as a child? What do
29:19
we really expect our lives to turn out? Like, and I wanted to
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share that, well, this is what happens. This is what happens when
29:27
you know your abuse, you get you're not supported by your family, like
29:33
your mum that you rely on. This is what happens. And this is
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what I had to do to overcome it. And but I didn't. There
29:41
was nothing magical. You know. I didn't need a lot of money.
29:44
I didn't have the best support, you know what I mean. I didn't
29:47
pay for a lot of treatment. You know. There were just ways that
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I looked at my life and when I cannot have this chronic anxiety anymore,
29:56
I've got three kids now, and you know, so I just wanted to
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show people that it's possible, because we don't deserve to be robbed of that,
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you know. It's the saddest thing. That's something that was put on
30:11
us. And some people live with this for the rest of their lives and
30:17
they don't deserve that, you know. And I just wanted to say,
30:19
hey, I've been through it too, and we can do this, we
30:25
can overcome it. Yeah. So as we kind of wind down here,
30:30
you know, there are a lot of therapists and coaches people in mental health
30:33
field who are listening to this podcast, what would you say to them in
30:37
terms of, well, wherever you want to start, I mean in terms
30:41
of maybe understanding with the also with the understanding that everyone's different, right,
30:48
every case is different. But what would you say to them in terms of
30:53
uh, ways to engage somewhat, ways not to engage someone. You know
31:02
what worked for you in that context? Well, like you said, everyone's
31:08
experience, even though it's such a common story, the way that we internalize
31:15
it is so different. And I know I've internalized it in a different way
31:19
than someone else, and for me, I just went inward. And so
31:26
for a therapist to come in and be able to sit in that space and
31:30
know that three words might be said, you know, because for someone like
31:37
me, it was just being there and having that actual safe space. You
31:41
know that that term gets thrown around now it's great, but to someone who
31:48
is shut down and completely inside themselves because it is not safe out there.
31:56
And the thing with therapists is, I mean, I'm so there's so good
32:00
that I'm so fortunate we have access not as much as we you know we
32:05
need, I guess sometimes. But but the thing is is that just having
32:12
that safe place for a person who's still a child, really, and that's
32:16
where I was. I was still a very underdeveloped child turning up as a
32:22
nineteen year old. And it's just that patience to go, hey, this
32:25
little girl has locked herself away for a very long time, and we can't
32:31
just come in and go, come on, spill the beans. I'm a
32:35
therapist, I'm a look at my look at my things on the wall.
32:40
We can't do that. It's just got to be so gentle. And you
32:45
know, it's just used to say. It's like a it's an ice pick,
32:50
ice pick at a mountain. You know, it's just little bit by
32:52
little bit, and it's exhausting for us. You know, like even if
32:58
you say five words and you walk and just go, oh, why do
33:00
I feel so exhausted? It's just that. Yeah. So it's just patience,
33:07
I think, and just I guess being able to read the room and
33:09
just go this person's just being suppressed for so long and it's going to be
33:15
a bit of a long road. And it was. It really was,
33:19
you know, just having patience back man, I mean, come on,
33:25
and what do you how do you what do you say about it? It's
33:29
just intense for lack of a better word. I mean, this is you
33:32
know, it's so you know you said, yeah, it's common, Yes
33:37
it is. Unfortunately, but you know we're here and we're talking about you
33:42
and your life, and before you go here, I just want to address
33:45
something. So in the bio, you said, you never you know,
33:50
you don't want to use the word survivor or thriver say more about that.
33:57
Did you know that the image I had every time I hear survivor is treading
34:01
water. I'm still I'm still surviving, and I specifically in my head,
34:08
I wanted to have a life where I'm not just surviving something like. I
34:14
don't know, for me, it still feels like I'm carrying the weight and
34:16
I'm just surviving it and thriving. It's just I don't know a bit opposed
34:22
to these words. I don't know. It's nothing personal to anyone that wants
34:28
to use it. It's just for me. I just kind of wanted to
34:30
go all right, I've processed that I'm just someone I say lived experience,
34:37
I say I've lived through something, but I'm no longer surviving. I'm not
34:42
surviving. I don't know. I always feel like I'm not there yet I'm
34:45
just doesn't fit for me. I just I went through something. But I
34:52
think we just have the amazing capacity to overcome things when we understand how our
34:58
body in you know, holds onto that memory, how we how it stores,
35:02
and how it affects our mental functions. You know. I think once
35:07
we understand that, you know, people have survived much worse. Well,
35:13
it's all relative, right, Yeah, So you're so currently you're what,
35:17
You're a teacher, You're obviously your mother, are like a full time teacher?
35:24
No, goshy, only to my children, Okay, No, I'm
35:30
I'm a I'm a relief teacher, so was supplies you'd probably call it.
35:36
And I work mainly with special needs students these days, trauma, ADHD,
35:43
autistic, those sorts of things, which I love. Yeah, and I'm
35:47
a mum, but yeah, I do. I still do you know,
35:51
a few speaking engagements and things like this, So, which is what I'm
35:55
really passionate about, to be honest, It's that's where I always wanted to
36:00
go. So yeah, all right, So how do people contact you?
36:07
Again? The book's called Chasing Normal. We'll have this linked up here at
36:10
the show notes page at the traumadvis Podcast dot com. How can people reach
36:15
out to you, learn more about you and et cetera. Well, look,
36:20
there is my website at bet Thompson dot com dot au. But I'm
36:24
I'm on most social I'm a bit old, but I'm on Facebook and Instagram
36:30
at my main ones that I you know, I share little tidbits of my
36:34
own recovery and my my logic on things, and I am you know,
36:38
I'm currently working on the second book, so yeah, they're my main ones.
36:45
Yeah, that people can reach out and I generally hold back. You
36:47
know, I'm pretty honest about my recovery and what I went through. So
36:52
awesome reach out, pleasure meeting you and really inspiring talking to you. I'd
36:58
love to have you back at their date and keep up to date with what
37:01
you're doing. Yeah, it's been great. I appreciate your time going.
37:06
Okay, I appreciate it. We'll we'll be in touch. Take care.
37:08
Yeah, no worries, thank you, Bye bye bye ye