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Dirty Little Secret:“I Don't Love My Child" · Billy The Kidd In The Morning

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Get it off your chest comments you'll feel better.
• 0:03
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the Dirty Little Secret mixed.
• 0:04
  Speaker 3: One or two point nine. Your dirty little Secrets, Bring
• 0:07
  Speaker 3: them on. It's Bill at a Kid. Candice Lopez is
• 0:09
  Speaker 3: your producer, poo and anytime you want, just confess eight
• 0:11
  Speaker 3: three to three seven eight seven one o two nine.
• 0:13
  Speaker 3: Doesn't matter what it is. It could be a big secret,
• 0:15
  Speaker 3: little secret. It could be something silly, something serious, whatever.
• 0:19
  Speaker 3: And you can also DM to at Billy on the radio.
• 0:22
  Speaker 3: Some people want to set it up that way on
• 0:23
  Speaker 3: Instagram and it's at Billy on the radio. You have
• 0:26
  Speaker 3: a secret.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: So I do have a secret that I've never told
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  Speaker 2: another person before, and you know, not my friends, not
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  Speaker 2: my family, not even my husband. And I'm a little
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: ashamed of it. But backstory, before we got married, you
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: knew I couldn't have children. He told me he was
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  Speaker 2: okay with that, But then over time he started bringing
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: up adoption more and more, and I kept telling him
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  Speaker 2: I wasn't sure because if I'm being completely honest, it's
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  Speaker 2: never been something I truly wanted, all right, But I
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  Speaker 2: also felt really guilty about that, felt like I was
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: taking away answer to be a dad. So eventually I
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: gave in and we adopt a little girl.
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  Speaker 3: Oh you did.
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  Speaker 2: And I'm not going to say her We did, and
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  Speaker 2: I'm not going to say her name.
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: No, no, no, don't don't even say anything. Yeah, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: but can you give us an idea of how old?
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  Speaker 3: I mean, maybe just an idea of how old she is.
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  Speaker 2: She's between five and nine. I'll leave it at that.
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: Okay, that's fair. Yeah, okay. So I think this is
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: because I know a little bit about this story. So
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: and I say that because I think it does matter.
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: Tell us the confession, because this is the part where
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: I know it's it hits.
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: I don't. I don't really love her, and I know
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: that sounds beyond her. Oh I know, I know, and
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: I can't help it. I can't help it. She isn't
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: a bad kid. I mean, she has her issues, but
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: she hasn't done andything terrible.
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: Okay, when that's saying, like when you say you don't
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: you don't really love her, I'm trying to think out
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  Speaker 3: to say this and not sound like she was a transaction,
• 1:58
  Speaker 3: because it's so much more than that. So many people
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: are you know, have beautiful families, and people are adopted.
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: But when did you adopt her, like, has it been
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: a while or so?
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: It's been more than a year now, okay, and she
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  Speaker 2: still feels like a stranger living in her house to me,
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  Speaker 2: Like I keep I know this as harsh, but I
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: keep waiting for that like motherly bond everybody talks about,
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: and it just hasn't happened. And meanwhile, my husband absolutely
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: adores her. They're becoming so close, and I watch them
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: together wondering what's wrong with me?
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: Right?
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  Speaker 2: I take my way through like every day, smiling, acting
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  Speaker 2: like everything's fine, but inside I just feel so guilty
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  Speaker 2: all the time because I don't feel the love I
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  Speaker 2: thought I was supposed to feel.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, this makes my heart hurt for all sides. Now,
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  Speaker 3: does she feel the lack of love or this is
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  Speaker 3: something that you're just kind of holding in. It's a
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  Speaker 3: you thing. It's not anybody else, anything else, anybody knows Yet.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: I feel like he doesn't like me very much. I
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: feel like there's something off about her almost and I
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: just can't seem to pinpoint it. And like the worst
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: part is, I feel like this has changed me as
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: a person, but not for the better. Like I used
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: to be happy and now I constantly feel anxious and
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  Speaker 2: emotionally exhausted, and like, I thought about seeing a therapist,
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  Speaker 2: but like, I don't know what they're going to tell me.
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  Speaker 2: It's not like someone can just say just undo the adoption,
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  Speaker 2: you know, like that's not reality. And I would never
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  Speaker 2: want to hurt my husband or this little girl. And
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  Speaker 2: I'm just I don't know.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I mean, if you're thinking about all the feelings
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  Speaker 3: that you have going on, I can only imagine the
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  Speaker 3: thing she has going on in her head because this
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  Speaker 3: is a completely new you know, even though it's been
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  Speaker 3: a year, this is I don't know what people go
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  Speaker 3: through when they're adopted.
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  Speaker 2: It's still a new space for her.
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  Speaker 3: Oh it's new everything.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't process this on your own though.
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  Speaker 3: And I don't know where she came from, but there's
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  Speaker 3: obviously things that she probably remembers, and she's processing things
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  Speaker 3: at a young age with a brain that's not developed.
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  Speaker 3: There's a lot going on there. I wonder how if
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: this is more normal than you think and people just
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  Speaker 3: don't say it out loud.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, if being a mom was never really something
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  Speaker 1: that you truly truly wanted, I mean, it just might
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  Speaker 1: not be in you genetically, you know, like, I don't
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  Speaker 1: know that it is for everyone, honestly.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: Well, I really appreciate you saying that.
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  Speaker 3: I'm just trying to imagine a world where something changes.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know what could change, where something clicks with
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  Speaker 3: you two and you start to because it sound like
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  Speaker 3: a lack of trying from what you were telling me.
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  Speaker 3: You know, in the message you wrote me, you're trying
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  Speaker 3: to get closer, You're trying to bond.
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  Speaker 2: At this point, I'm playing the role of her mom
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  Speaker 2: instead of actually being her mom, and it's suck.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but maybe people who have been in your position
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  Speaker 1: will call and tell us it takes time. I don't
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  Speaker 1: know what's normal, you know. I mean, even when you
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  Speaker 1: birth the child, sometimes it takes time. Yeah, I don't
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  Speaker 1: know some moms unfortunately, right.
• 4:51
  Speaker 3: I could I could see that, Yeah, I could see,
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  Speaker 3: you know, but I don't like the fact that you
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  Speaker 3: kind of felt it sounds like you felt pressured in
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: to adopting when you didn't. And I get that you
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: want to make sacrifices and compromise with your husband, but
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  Speaker 3: I don't know, kids, it's one of those that's a
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  Speaker 3: compromise that I don't know if you should ever compromise
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  Speaker 3: your feelings on that. Yeah, if you don't want kids,
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: you don't want kids.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I definitely, I think maybe reach out to someone
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  Speaker 1: for help, counseling, a therapist, yeah, like safe person. That's
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  Speaker 1: not us, because.
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  Speaker 3: That's a lot, and I'm sure there's counselors who specialize
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  Speaker 3: in this, and yeah, I'm sure we'll have some call
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  Speaker 3: in but oh good luck. I really appreciate you opening
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  Speaker 3: up to us because I know it's not easy, and
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: we've been going back and forth, so I know it's tough.
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  Speaker 3: And yeah, I don't think you should feel like bad
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  Speaker 3: for speaking your feelings, and I would when you do
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  Speaker 3: talk to someone, be really honest so they know where
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  Speaker 3: this is coming from and go from there.
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely, Well, thank you guys very much for your
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  Speaker 2: advice and help. I really really appreciate it.