Latest / The Parenting Podcast / The Path to Confidence: Parenting Strategies for Kids | Ep. 93

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The Path to Confidence: Parenting Strategies for Kids | Ep. 93 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:01
  Um, uh, uh, uh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh.
• 0:06
  Hello, parents, and welcome to another episode of the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:12
  I'm Cheryl Langer Host, and I'm genuinely excited to have you join us today.
• 0:19
  Let's think of parenting as a grand adventure.
• 0:23
  But, it's one with uncertainties and questions and unknown territory.
• 0:30
  It's a path where we're constantly looking for the delicate balance between nurturing our child's growth and safeguarding them.
• 0:39
  In today's episode, we'll look at practical strategies needed for nurturing independence and building increasing confidence in our young ones.
• 0:50
  We'll discuss how to put ideas and philosophy into practice in our everyday lives.
• 0:56
  From setting the table, to sewing on a button, to putting away their bikes, there are countless opportunities to empower our children.
• 1:06
  Join us on this captivating journey as we explore effective methods to prepare our kids for autonomy and instill a deep sense of confidence.
• 1:24
  Cheryl: So last time we met, we were having a conversation laying some groundwork, and we're particularly focusing on the ages.
• 1:35
  Cheryl: Um, below six, and we use words like autonomy, independence, calculated risk, intentional choices, the unknown.
• 1:48
  Cheryl: And we were talking about helping our children.
• 1:51
  Cheryl: to help foster independence and autonomy in our young kids.
• 1:56
  Cheryl: So help me define some of those terms.
• 1:58
  Cheryl: And let's go back a little bit to catch up where we were.
• 2:03
  Cheryl: And then what I want us to do, guys, today, let's get really practical and put feet to this philosophy we've been talking about.
• 2:12
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 2:14
  Ellen: Well, you used the word independence, and that's a, that's a really good word, but um, I like the word interdependent a little bit
• 2:22
  Cheryl: better.
• 2:23
  Cheryl: Oh, yes.
• 2:24
  Cheryl: Well.
• 2:24
  Cheryl: I really like that because independence can mean...
• 2:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:28
  Cheryl: Going off and having nothing to do with others.
• 2:31
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:31
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:32
  Cheryl: But interdependence, that's an excellent insight.
• 2:34
  Cheryl: Talk about it.
• 2:35
  Cheryl: It means
• 2:35
  Ellen: that you're still connected, whether it's your family or a group of people or friends.
• 2:41
  Ellen: You're still connected with them.
• 2:43
  Ellen: Yes.
• 2:43
  Ellen: You're dependent on them for certain things in your life.
• 2:46
  Ellen: Right.
• 2:46
  Ellen: But you still can function separately as an individual.
• 2:51
  Cheryl: That's excellent.
• 2:51
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 2:51
  Cheryl: That is actually the word we kind of talked about, differentiation.
• 2:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:56
  Cheryl: Right.
• 2:56
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 2:57
  Cheryl: You're an autonomous person.
• 2:58
  Cheryl: person in your own right.
• 3:00
  Cheryl: But it's within the context of relationships.
• 3:04
  Cheryl: That's a really good
• 3:04
  Ellen: word.
• 3:05
  Ellen: Because we, as Americans, we really pride ourselves on being independent and, um, and for the purposes of founding a country that was needed.
• 3:15
  Ellen: But it doesn't work very well in relationships.
• 3:17
  Christie: Right.
• 3:18
  Christie: Well, independence.
• 3:19
  Christie: In and of itself, just for the sake of being independent, can be foolish, it can, you know, there are times where, like you said, you have to work within the group or within your authority, figure over you but one thing I've thought of, with my kids growing up, we talked a lot about responsibility, being, doing what you should at the time you should, and that's kind of the wisdom within independence, you know.
• 3:43
  Christie: It's true.
• 3:44
  Christie: If you're submitting to the needs of the circumstance, rather than just, I'll do it myself, no matter, at all costs.
• 3:52
  Cheryl: And also, what you described a little bit here with that type of definition, is a cutoff.
• 3:58
  Cheryl: And you're blocking yourself from this intimacy and relationship
• 4:02
  Christie: with people.
• 4:03
  Christie: Yeah, going back to that, uh, definition.
• 4:05
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:06
  Cheryl: So, we don't want to do that, but we do.
• 4:09
  Cheryl: Encourage parents to let their kids begin to be a little bit risk takers and to move on out there and that is hard.
• 4:19
  Cheryl: That's a delicate balance of wanting to protect them, but this is the beginning of releasing.
• 4:25
  Cheryl: So if parents are saying, wow, we do want to walk in this how about, can y'all make some suggestions, ideas, What are some ways that.
• 4:37
  Cheryl: Worked for you, or ideas that you would suggest To other parents.
• 4:42
  Ellen: And one thing I want to tag on to that is, um, when you're thinking of helping your child to become a little more independent, the important thing to remember is you're building their confidence.
• 4:54
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:55
  Ellen: And that's what we want to have at the end of the day.
• 4:58
  Ellen: Children that are confident when they are young adults so that they feel like they can take risks.
• 5:04
  Cheryl: They can do things.
• 5:05
  Cheryl: And I was talking to a young mom the other day on this subject.
• 5:08
  Cheryl: saying, Oh, guess what?
• 5:09
  Cheryl: This is what we're talking about on the podcast.
• 5:12
  Cheryl: And she said, Well, confidence comes from taking the risk in a safe environment for children, right?
• 5:21
  Cheryl: You know, and that just what you're saying that they're safe with us.
• 5:26
  Cheryl: And we're letting out that line a little bit, little bit, little bit taking the risk, but it's in The context of safety, well,
• 5:34
  Christie: and part of that safety is that we equip them before releasing them to the independent action, because if they haven't been trained or equipped beforehand, you're setting them up for the wrong kind of failure.
• 5:47
  Christie: We do want to, you know, expect that they're going to have failure, but we want to set them up for success and then expect some failure on the other side as they're
• 5:56
  Cheryl: learning.
• 5:56
  Cheryl: Excellent, One of the things When I think about my operating in this area, there's the risk.
• 6:03
  Cheryl: But also for me, a lot of it took a lot of time.
• 6:07
  Cheryl: I had to slow down.
• 6:09
  Cheryl: For example, I didn't do it well with my first daughter.
• 6:13
  Cheryl: I just didn't know.
• 6:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:16
  Cheryl: And so she was not one that sought her own independence.
• 6:20
  Cheryl: She was glad to let me do things for her.
• 6:23
  Cheryl: And so I thought that was good parenting.
• 6:26
  Cheryl: So you love and you take care of someone and you do it and then eventually they'll learn to do it.
• 6:31
  Cheryl: And when she was four.
• 6:34
  Cheryl: And her little brother was just two, he was, I do it myself, so he was trying to put on his own clothes, his own shoes, and she was willing to let me dress her, tie her shoes, and I just thought everyone naturally loved her.
• 6:51
  Cheryl: Would develop into that.
• 6:52
  Cheryl: And she was willing to let me do it.
• 6:54
  Cheryl: So I thought, oh, well I'm listening to her.
• 6:56
  Cheryl: This must be the right way.
• 6:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:58
  Cheryl: And then watching him, I realized, oh, what a rebel he was
• 7:02
  Ellen: no, no,
• 7:03
  Cheryl: I know.
• 7:04
  Cheryl: Just I'm saying, see, he made me wake up to realize, oh, I am babying this first daughter.
• 7:08
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:09
  Cheryl: And I am.
• 7:09
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 7:10
  Cheryl: Meeting a need that she should be, begin to self doing it.
• 7:13
  Cheryl: Uhhuh.
• 7:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:14
  Cheryl: So you have to sit.
• 7:15
  Cheryl: And talk with them, and I've done it with my grandchildren, too.
• 7:18
  Cheryl: Okay, now, can you tell if your shirt's on the right side?
• 7:22
  Cheryl: I mean, you have to begin even teaching what inside outside is.
• 7:26
  Cheryl: And then how you figure out the front and the back, and the left and the right shoe.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: And I realized, Oh, it was just more convenient, right?
• 7:36
  Cheryl: And faster, efficient, right?
• 7:38
  Cheryl: It was efficient to let me distress you.
• 7:41
  Cheryl: So I did a lot of just sitting and going, well, how does that look?
• 7:44
  Cheryl: Do you think that's on the outside?
• 7:47
  Cheryl: Um, and
• 7:48
  Ellen: some of that interdependence or teaching them to be a little bit more assertive, you know, when my kids were young, I would give them a couple choices of clothing to wear and sometimes they put on really weird outfits.
• 7:59
  Ellen: Right, right.
• 7:59
  Ellen: But you just have to go with it and not be worried about it and just go
• 8:03
  Christie: whatever.
• 8:03
  Christie: Yeah, I think giving them that freedom and then leaving the freedom with them and not criticizing their choices or the way they do it.
• 8:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:11
  Christie: It's not
• 8:11
  Ellen: hurting anything other than maybe your parent ego that's going, I didn't dress them.
• 8:15
  Christie: Right.
• 8:15
  Christie: You want to wear a little label on your shirt saying.
• 8:17
  Christie: Or they said, oh, did their dad dress them?
• 8:21
  Christie: Creation,
• 8:23
  Cheryl: One of the things I developed and learned is to be quiet and ask questions for them to develop, they've got to figure it out.
• 8:33
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:33
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:34
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:34
  Cheryl: So I've go, well, if I say, oh, that's inside out and I pop it out, they don't learn to do that.
• 8:38
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:38
  Cheryl: And waiting and then helping a little bit.
• 8:40
  Cheryl: No, you have to reach or I'm in.
• 8:42
  Cheryl: One of the things I remember.
• 8:44
  Cheryl: It takes a long time for them to learn right shoe and left shoe.
• 8:48
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's true.
• 8:49
  Cheryl: And so, with one in mind, what I did is I just put an R on the bottom.
• 8:53
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 8:54
  Cheryl: they have to know right hand, but just beginning so they would look, oh, okay, and then remember, and then, Somewhere developmentally, they start to recognize it.
• 9:04
  Cheryl: Mm
• 9:04
  Ellen: hmm.
• 9:05
  Ellen: And when they put it on, they feel really weird.
• 9:07
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 9:07
  Ellen: That's usually helpful, too.
• 9:09
  Ellen: It's on the wrong foot.
• 9:10
  Ellen: Right.
• 9:11
  Cheryl: It feels weird.
• 9:12
  Cheryl: It takes patience and time.
• 9:13
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:13
  Cheryl: Patience is a big thing.
• 9:15
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 9:15
  Cheryl: What are some other examples for y'all?
• 9:18
  Christie: Well, I know, you know.
• 9:20
  Christie: A strong value at our house, mostly with my husband, was strong work ethic.
• 9:24
  Christie: He wanted our kids to have a strong work ethic.
• 9:27
  Christie: And I heard someone along the way, too, say you can either have help or you can have control.
• 9:33
  Christie: So if you're feeling a little overwhelmed with, you know, the chores and you want to start delegating, you can have help, but you might not have control over how it gets done.
• 9:41
  Christie: So some of that releasing the workload to my kids I had to learn not to go back and redo or correct and let them learn in time how to do it properly.
• 9:56
  Christie: So that requires a lot of patience.
• 9:58
  Cheryl: Patience and time.
• 9:59
  Cheryl: And I had a friend.
• 10:00
  Cheryl: As an adult, he said he's kind of had PTSD about folding towels because he had to work in his house, but he would always see his mom go back and refold the towels.
• 10:15
  Cheryl: And all of that, so he lost so much confidence.
• 10:18
  Cheryl: So he's doing the work, but with no confidence, because he was told,
• 10:22
  Christie: you fail, you fail.
• 10:23
  Christie: Well, and then eventually what you end up with is a kid that says, I can't, I can't, I can't.
• 10:27
  Christie: Well, you can, you just have to learn, but if they are set up to feel like they're doing it wrong no matter what, then they don't want to try.
• 10:34
  Christie: We had a
• 10:34
  Ellen: psychologist friend that watched my husband retie my son's shoes.
• 10:40
  Ellen: And he took them aside and said, that's the worst thing you can do because you just taught your child that that wasn't good enough.
• 10:48
  Ellen: You know, rather than let them kind of come undone and then say, let me help you.
• 10:53
  Ellen: Because every time we come behind our children and redo it like the towels, then you're kind of saying to them, you don't mean to be, but you're saying you didn't do it right.
• 11:03
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:03
  Cheryl: So how did you do that with us?
• 11:05
  Cheryl: We started out when they're very little washcloths.
• 11:08
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 11:09
  Cheryl: You know, and they do a pretty crummy job at first, you know.
• 11:12
  Cheryl: In other things like this, like in the work area, what are some ways that you shifted and started helping them be independent?
• 11:21
  Ellen: Well, I mean.
• 11:22
  Ellen: Little children can do just about everything, simple tasks, they may not do them exactly the way you want them to do, but that's part of your training to help them when they tried, not to necessarily go back and redo the whole thing, but, um, you know, Little children can set a table.
• 11:41
  Ellen: You can teach them.
• 11:42
  Ellen: We had a diagram up on the refrigerator where the fork went, where the knife went, and things like that.
• 11:48
  Ellen: So if they didn't remember, then they go, okay, this goes here and this goes there.
• 11:52
  Cheryl: also from an educational standpoint, doing it It kind of takes so much time, but to say, okay, how many plates do we need?
• 12:04
  Cheryl: And so they have to start counting up the family.
• 12:07
  Cheryl: And so mathematicians will tell you that's one to one correspondence.
• 12:11
  Cheryl: And so they had to get the right number of plates and then think about, okay, Alex sits here and daddy sits here and they're going around.
• 12:19
  Cheryl: But it just does take time and then gentle correction.
• 12:23
  Cheryl: And they
• 12:23
  Ellen: catch on pretty quick.
• 12:24
  Ellen: We're talking about very simple chores.
• 12:26
  Christie: Yeah, I think it's good to put kids in charge of things that, um, A, they're They're prepared for, and, and be that they can learn from natural consequences for something that's not going to be vital and detrimental to the day, progressing, you know, organizing the books, you know, why don't you go put all these books on the bookshelf?
• 12:46
  Christie: Well, it doesn't matter if they're tallest to shortest or however you do it, but then they do have that sense of confidence.
• 12:52
  Christie: Now you probably wouldn't want to have them buckle the baby in the car seat or, you know, give them tasks that are doable.
• 12:59
  Christie: for success, especially if they're one that's a little bit more timid on wanting to take on ownership.
• 13:04
  Ellen: I think I've told this story before, but I would always tell my oldest son when he was young, can make sure you change your underwear.
• 13:10
  Cheryl: Oh, this is going to be fun.
• 13:12
  Cheryl: And so
• 13:13
  Ellen: one day I'm watching him walk down the hall and he's walking really weird.
• 13:18
  Ellen: What's going on?
• 13:19
  Ellen: Why are you walking so weird?
• 13:20
  Ellen: He goes, well, my underwear is really tight.
• 13:22
  Ellen: So, you know, I mean, he still was young enough.
• 13:24
  Ellen: I could look and check and he had three pairs of underwear on.
• 13:28
  Ellen: What?
• 13:29
  Ellen: I go, why are you wearing three pairs of underwear?
• 13:31
  Ellen: He goes, you told me to change my underwear every day.
• 13:34
  Christie: He had just been putting them over.
• 13:36
  Christie: Yeah, he just kept
• 13:37
  Cheryl: pulling them up.
• 13:38
  Cheryl: That's an old joke.
• 13:40
  Cheryl: No, he
• 13:40
  Ellen: didn't.
• 13:41
  Ellen: He really didn't?
• 13:41
  Ellen: Yes, he really didn't.
• 13:43
  Ellen: It was
• 13:44
  Cheryl: super funny, but.
• 13:45
  Cheryl: That's so funny.
• 13:45
  Cheryl: on, so.
• 13:47
  Cheryl: What are some more ways?
• 13:48
  Cheryl: that you saw that you would suggest.
• 13:51
  Cheryl: that you can develop this confidence to take on new tasks and develop.
• 13:57
  Cheryl: Well,
• 13:58
  Ellen: I think it takes a lot of mom planning or whoever the parent is at home.
• 14:03
  Ellen: Because you know, we have five children, there's nothing worse than you're running behind and you're trying to drag kids out the door and some are half dressed and some can't find their shoes.
• 14:14
  Ellen: So just teaching them At an early age, okay, this is where your shoes always go, this is where your three pairs of underwear always go, you know, just the, the, um, reinforcement of putting things back where they belong, even though it's, it's kind of tiring, but it helps them to understand, oh, I can find my shoes because I always put them here.
• 14:36
  Ellen: Right.
• 14:37
  Cheryl: And when I'm hearing you say this, Ellen, I'm remembering when I did it right and when I did it wrong.
• 14:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:43
  Cheryl: I do too.
• 14:43
  Cheryl: Because.
• 14:45
  Cheryl: How many times have I talked to them about putting their dirty clothes here, putting, you know, all of that, but it's my attitude.
• 14:53
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:53
  Cheryl: Because if we're talking about developing them and helping them grow and spread their wings through these simple everyday things, and equipping them, if I'm rolling my eyes and sighing and going, like I said, da, da, da.
• 15:09
  Cheryl: Or yelling.
• 15:09
  Cheryl: Yelling.
• 15:11
  Cheryl: All of those.
• 15:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:12
  Cheryl: We're defeating what we wanted to do.
• 15:15
  Cheryl: And so, again, as we always say, I have to have my attitude right before I can effectively love them well And help foster independence and autonomy in our young ones right And
• 15:27
  Ellen: if you're not a big put things back where they belong person, it's going to be more of a struggle.
• 15:33
  Ellen: You might be more relaxed about stuff, but it might be a struggle too I mean, I've had friends that have had to spend 30 minutes looking for their car keys.
• 15:40
  Ellen: Yeah, because they were never trained to put their keys.
• 15:43
  Ellen: Well, I had a husband like that, too, but we worked on that together because his mom did everything for him.
• 15:49
  Ellen: And she was a lovely mother in law, but she had four boys and did everything.
• 15:53
  Ellen: So he was when we first married.
• 15:55
  Ellen: I mean, I never knew anybody who lost their keys.
• 15:59
  Ellen: I only lost, I'm very serious, I've lost my keys once in my life, and that's because one of my kids took the keys out of my purse.
• 16:06
  Ellen: Because I was trained to be such a habit person, that you did the same thing all the time, so I never lost my keys.
• 16:11
  Cheryl: Wow, that's great.
• 16:11
  Cheryl: But also, you're a naturally, that type of person, but in Mike's case, Mike is a take care of things type person.
• 16:18
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:19
  Cheryl: But his mother, dear sweet soul, enabled him so he didn't have to tie shoes in the sun.
• 16:25
  Cheryl: He didn't have to pick up his dirty clothes on the floor.
• 16:29
  Ellen: Yes.
• 16:30
  Ellen: Yes.
• 16:30
  Ellen: That was a big shock when I would come home and there would be, or I'd go to his house and his room literally had piles.
• 16:36
  Ellen: He never had to put clothes on a hammer.
• 16:39
  Ellen: As a teenager, his mom would just come in his room and pick all the clothes up and wash and iron them.
• 16:43
  Ellen: She, she ironed her husband's boxers.
• 16:47
  Ellen: That's just a funny side, note because most of us wouldn't even think
• 16:50
  Christie: of that.
• 16:51
  Christie: Well, and she probably felt like what we're talking about, it was just easier to do herself or it gave her some amount of pride, which I think.
• 16:58
  Christie: We've all been guilty of, of those feeling she was being a good mom.
• 17:01
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 17:01
  Ellen: I'm not making fun of her.
• 17:02
  Ellen: She was a lovely lady.
• 17:04
  Ellen: She loved her boys, but I was in shock coming from a household where if you left anything out, you were in
• 17:10
  Cheryl: big trouble.
• 17:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:11
  Cheryl: But she did the important thing.
• 17:13
  Cheryl: Her sons I know, felt loved by her.
• 17:15
  Cheryl: Yes, they did for sure.
• 17:16
  Cheryl: Cared for her.
• 17:17
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 17:17
  Cheryl: But she wasn't preparing them.
• 17:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:19
  Cheryl: And that's what we're talking about here.
• 17:20
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:21
  Cheryl: That's right.
• 17:21
  Cheryl: Is trying to equip and prepare them.
• 17:23
  Cheryl: I mean, there's so many areas like, um, Slowing down and showing them even first aid.
• 17:30
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:30
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:30
  Cheryl: You know, instead of the parent doing it all the time, show'em, here's what you do.
• 17:34
  Cheryl: If it bleeds, you do this and then here's how you clean it and mm-hmm.
• 17:38
  Cheryl: and I'll put the bandaids where you can put'em on.
• 17:41
  Cheryl: Just, yeah.
• 17:42
  Cheryl: Practical things.
• 17:43
  Cheryl: And even like sewing, I happen to be able to sew and I had to intentionally.
• 17:49
  Cheryl: Not do it for my children, and so as they got a little bit older showing them how to thread a needle and to tie it and then to sew their own button back on.
• 18:00
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 18:01
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 18:01
  Ellen: Well, talking about sewing buttons on, I remember when we first got married, my husband just thought if your button fell off, you threw your shirt out.
• 18:09
  Ellen: Ellen! I know!
• 18:10
  Christie: I don't have a big problem with that.
• 18:13
  Christie: I'm not a seamstress, some of my girls are, but yeah, I would probably fall in that camp.
• 18:20
  Christie: An inexpensive shirt.
• 18:22
  Cheryl: Okay so come over and I'll show you how to thread a needle, okay?
• 18:25
  Cheryl: Yeah, and
• 18:26
  Christie: that kind of goes along with some of the dynamic at our house.
• 18:29
  Christie: So I am not one who's ever actually had to encourage independence in my house.
• 18:35
  Christie: Oh, that's true.
• 18:35
  Christie: I have pretty independent daughters, but I had to learn how to or help them learn how to write.
• 18:41
  Christie: Rain it in and guide it the right way.
• 18:44
  Cheryl: For example, talk to
• 18:45
  Christie: us about that.
• 18:46
  Christie: Um, well, you know, I was thinking, I think I've shared it before with you guys about All of our girls dance, they were all dancers.
• 18:54
  Christie: And so we had hundreds of dollars of dance shoes every year because they were all four in dance classes.
• 19:01
  Christie: And, you know, they all wanted to keep their own dance bags in their room.
• 19:05
  Christie: Oh, mama, I'll keep up with them.
• 19:07
  Christie: I won't lose.
• 19:07
  Christie: And I thought this is too big of a risk, kind of going back to what you're saying about setting your kids up for success.
• 19:13
  Christie: So that was something I had to decide.
• 19:15
  Christie: This is a calculated.
• 19:18
  Christie: I'm not willing to calculate.
• 19:19
  Christie: I'm not willing to take.
• 19:20
  Christie: I'm calculating the dollars, so I kept those dance shoes with me in a designated place, but as they got old enough that they could Replace them.
• 19:30
  Christie: Then I did start moving that to their jurisdiction of, you know, keeping up with them.
• 19:35
  Christie: Same with, like, library books.
• 19:37
  Christie: I wasn't about to risk library books being lost under a bed or the toddler ripping the pages out.
• 19:42
  Christie: So I think there are things that you have to look at your kids and know what they're capable of.
• 19:48
  Christie: And you might have, you know, my kids always thought they could do more than what I was ready to release them
• 19:53
  Cheryl: to.
• 19:53
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 19:54
  Cheryl: And I like it.
• 19:55
  Cheryl: The word you use, which is what we've previously used, is the word calculated, that we're intentional.
• 20:01
  Cheryl: And we go, yes, I'm going to allow this risk in this area, but not in this area.
• 20:05
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:05
  Cheryl: And
• 20:06
  Ellen: you're going to allow the consequences before you let the risk be.
• 20:10
  Ellen: Because that's a really good life lesson for all of us, but especially our children.
• 20:15
  Ellen: Because I think of my son when he was probably eight, ten years old, and he kept leaving his bike out front.
• 20:23
  Ellen: And I didn't go and get it.
• 20:24
  Ellen: I would just tell him, go get your bike, you left it out front again.
• 20:27
  Ellen: Well.
• 20:28
  Ellen: He left it out front again, and there was no bike, and he had to save for his own bike.
• 20:33
  Ellen: Wow.
• 20:34
  Cheryl: That's excellence.
• 20:35
  Cheryl: Natural consequences.
• 20:37
  Cheryl: Not a two year
• 20:38
  Ellen: old.
• 20:38
  Ellen: No,
• 20:39
  Christie: no, that was a little bit older.
• 20:40
  Christie: Consequences that you're willing to let them
• 20:42
  suffer.
• 20:42
  Cheryl: That's appropriate.
• 20:43
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:43
  Cheryl: You know, and one of the things everybody recommends, and all children want, Our pets, you know, mom, a kitty, a puppy, you know, and they always want the, and yes, I will take care of my, I'll take him.
• 20:55
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 20:55
  Cheryl: I'm going to tell you they don't.
• 20:58
  Cheryl: So you have to.
• 20:59
  Cheryl: It's a myth.
• 21:00
  Cheryl: You heard
• 21:01
  Christie: it first here.
• 21:01
  Christie: You heard it
• 21:02
  Cheryl: here.
• 21:02
  Cheryl: They don't.
• 21:03
  Cheryl: So don't take in a pet that you aren't willing to take on the responsibility.
• 21:08
  Cheryl: Because that's negligent for the animal.
• 21:11
  Cheryl: And they want to, but it takes so much parental oversight to get them to take care of the animals.
• 21:19
  Cheryl: It would be a lot easier to do it all yourself.
• 21:23
  Ellen: Mm hmm.
• 21:23
  Cheryl: Well, this is one of the things where it's important to not listen to their hearts.
• 21:29
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:29
  Cheryl: And think, oh, they would this.
• 21:31
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:33
  Cheryl: Because you had to go behind and take care of them.
• 21:36
  Cheryl: Because it's not like shoes or a book.
• 21:39
  Cheryl: It's a living thing.
• 21:41
  Cheryl: Yeah, you know, talk about picking up toys.
• 21:44
  Cheryl: Uh.
• 21:45
  Cheryl: I would encourage parents, almost as soon as a child is mobile and they're playing with toys, that they begin at that point showing them, literally putting the toy in their hand and dropping it in the box.
• 21:59
  Cheryl: I think that's such a great thing, so the child is already learning before they can even...
• 22:06
  Cheryl: Do it by themselves.
• 22:08
  Cheryl: That it has a place.
• 22:10
  Cheryl: And that they're beginning to learn to do it.
• 22:13
  Cheryl: And, uh, because I've seen that children can learn very early.
• 22:18
  Cheryl: And pick up really well when they're motivated.
• 22:21
  Cheryl: And I enjoy making it fun.
• 22:23
  Cheryl: So we sing songs, or right now with my grandchildren, we play Lonely Goat Herd from Sound of Music.
• 22:30
  Cheryl: They're really into that.
• 22:32
  Cheryl: And they go, play Goat Herd.
• 22:33
  Cheryl: So we'll play that song, and it's an upbeat, and so they pick up really well.
• 22:38
  Christie: Right, and they're motivated
• 22:40
  Ellen: too.
• 22:40
  Ellen: And there's, that's an area where you can do lots of games.
• 22:43
  Ellen: Yes.
• 22:44
  Ellen: You know, and lots of fun things, like you said, and timers, and who can do this, the quiz.
• 22:48
  Ellen: But one side note is, don't give your children so many toys.
• 22:55
  Ellen: I've been blown away sometimes when I've gone to different friends houses and their little preschool children had just so many toys.
• 23:04
  Ellen: There's no way I could put all those toys away.
• 23:07
  Christie: We used to cycle toys.
• 23:09
  Christie: We would put them in the garage in rubbermaid tubs and then bring them in.
• 23:13
  Christie: It's like getting new toys.
• 23:14
  Christie: You know, the kids would get excited because you're right, when it's overwhelming, you can't ask independence of a child to pick up their toys when it's so overwhelming.
• 23:22
  Christie: I really like what you're saying, Cheryl, about um, Being intentional in their playtime and helping them grow in this area because I was thinking of my kids took a cooking class and they came home about halfway into the year talking about their knife skills and I was thinking my children have knife skills.
• 23:41
  Christie: I did not know this.
• 23:42
  Christie: But she had started with a plastic knife and taught them knife skills and I'm just thinking, you know, even with Play Doh, that's something that you can do with, with little ones and you're preparing them.
• 23:53
  Christie: Now it may be years before you hand them an actual knife, but now they know, Oh, use the bear claw and, and all of those little steps.
• 24:00
  Christie: And then they're prepared with the skills before they actually need them.
• 24:04
  Christie: You're setting them up
• 24:04
  Cheryl: for success.
• 24:05
  Cheryl: And in the area of kitchen.
• 24:08
  Cheryl: I mean, yeah, with a family.
• 24:10
  Cheryl: with children, you spend so much of your life in the kitchen anyway, and this is an area that we talked about setting the table unloading and loading the dishwasher, but also with food prep to begin to show them how to do it.
• 24:25
  Cheryl: And then even if it doesn't turn out well, or they have a creative idea, like we had a picnic the other day and one of my granddaughters wanted a pickle sandwich.
• 24:36
  Cheryl: And so I go, okay, this is a grandma picnic.
• 24:38
  Cheryl: You can have a pickle sandwich.
• 24:40
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 24:41
  Cheryl: And just trying different foods, trying things.
• 24:45
  Cheryl: To give them curiosity in it, to let them know it's okay to be a little risk taking, trying new things, particularly the ones that are timid in this area.
• 24:56
  Cheryl: And just in all of these areas, just keep shifting the work and the responsibility on their shoulders.
• 25:04
  Cheryl: As we equip them.
• 25:05
  Cheryl: Well,
• 25:06
  Ellen: I liked what Christy said when she was talking about the Play Doh.
• 25:10
  Ellen: And we're talking children under six.
• 25:12
  Ellen: Their biggest learning arena is their play.
• 25:15
  Ellen: Everything they do is their play.
• 25:17
  Ellen: It's our little small skills that will lead them into skills when they get a little bit older.
• 25:22
  Ellen: Like, like the knife thing.
• 25:24
  Ellen: I mean, Play Doh is a wonderful
• 25:25
  Cheryl: thing.
• 25:26
  Cheryl: Well, it had to do
• 25:27
  Christie: with the picnic.
• 25:28
  Christie: I just also think that's a really great area, too, that you can Talk about when something doesn't go well when you take a risk and it doesn't go well Maybe the pickle sandwich wasn't very good.
• 25:37
  Christie: You can you can say to the kids.
• 25:39
  Christie: Yeah.
• 25:39
  Christie: Well, that wasn't that one didn't go very well I don't think I'd do that one again, but we tried something new Yeah, and then that diffuses some of the negativity of things failing.
• 25:47
  Christie: Yeah,
• 25:48
  Cheryl: okay, and we are out of time So what would you say in closing?
• 25:54
  Cheryl: Anything else thought you'd leave with these parents?
• 25:57
  I
• 25:57
  Christie: think just in general to, um, you know, set them up for success with skills that will prepare them for independence.
• 26:05
  Christie: And then also...
• 26:07
  Christie: It kind of expect the failure so that you're not frustrated when it happens and prepare what your response will be when there is failure.
• 26:15
  Christie: Not going back and correcting or criticizing, but celebrating the efforts.
• 26:21
  Christie: And giving
• 26:22
  Ellen: enough time margin.
• 26:23
  Ellen: I never did that way.
• 26:25
  Ellen: I didn't give myself enough time with a big family.
• 26:28
  Ellen: So I was usually flustered and then that spilled over to my kids because we're running
• 26:32
  Cheryl: late.
• 26:33
  Cheryl: And that's the intentionality of it.
• 26:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:36
  Cheryl: It doesn't mean every single time in everything we have to do this.
• 26:41
  Cheryl: But that, as parents, we're looking at our life and intentionally looking for opportunities Because the truth is, when they can dress themselves and put their shoes on, we're helping foster independence and autonomy And life's a lot easier.
• 26:56
  Christie: right?
• 26:56
  Cheryl: Because
• 26:56
  Ellen: skills build on skills.
• 27:00
  Cheryl: Yeah But that's a long way down the road, to take the time and to remember, when you're allowing your little ones to put their toys in the box, or make a pickle sandwich,
• 27:12
  Ellen: to save for his own bike.
• 27:13
  Cheryl: Yes and to sew their own button on These little incremental things, you're preparing them to be a young adult.
• 27:21
  Cheryl: And to go off better equipped into their life with all these, not just the practical learning, but this safe thing inside of them to feel confident in what they can do in life.
• 27:36
  Christie: Yeah, that's
• 27:37
  really
• 27:37
  Christie: good.
• 27:38
  Cheryl: So parents, remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it.
• 27:51
  As we wrap up our discussion, let's take a moment to poke in the valuable insights we've explored today.
• 27:59
  Remember, confidence in children blooms.
• 28:03
  When they dare to take those calculated risks in a nurturing environment.
• 28:09
  Anticipate those occasional stumbles on their path to success.
• 28:13
  Those are the stepping stones to resilience.
• 28:18
  Let me encourage you to incorporate these newfound insights into your everyday life.
• 28:25
  Or that's the little things like...
• 28:27
  Tying their own shoes, or more substantial challenges, your child's independence and confidence will flourish with your guidance.
• 28:37
  But be their safe haven, where failure isn't met with criticism or shame, but celebrated as a part of their learning journey.
• 28:48
  We're thrilled you joined us for this conversation today.
• 28:52
  And we can't wait to share more with you in our next episode.
• 28:56
  At the Parenting Podcast, we're here to bring you hope and provide support to help you flourish in your parenting adventure.
• 29:06
  Remember, with TPP, you're never alone on this path.
• 29:11
  Feel free to reach out to us through our website, social media, or by sending us a text at contact at the parentingpodcast.
• 29:20
  com.
• 29:21
  Your stories, questions, and insights are always welcome.
• 29:25
  Until our next episode, keep parenting with love and confidence.