Latest / Reformed Thinking / Sins of Action: Dishonoring Parents—Breaking the Fifth Commandment in Word, Deed, and Chosen Neglect

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Sins of Action: Dishonoring Parents—Breaking the Fifth Commandment in Word, Deed, and Chosen Neglect · Reformed Thinking

• 0:00
  Welcome back to the show. We are doing something a little
• 0:03
  different today, maybe more specific.
• 0:06
  This is reformed thinking. It's good to be here.
• 0:09
  You know, usually when we talk theology, I think people expect
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  us to be up in the clouds somewhere, right?
• 0:15
  Talk about God's attributes or predestination or the atonement.
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  The big lofty doctrines we. Love those topics, but today
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  we're taking all that high theology and we're bringing it
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  well right into the living room, right into the household.
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  We're talking about family. Yeah, and you're right.
• 0:31
  This is a topic that can make the room go a bit quiet.
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  We're getting into the 5th Commandment honor, your father
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  and your mother. And you know, it sounds so
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  simple. It sounds like something for a
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  Sunday school flannel graph. But when you really look at it,
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  especially through the lens of something like the Westminster
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  Confession, it's one of the most confronting teachings in the
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  entire Bible, I'd argue. I completely agree, it feels
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  almost dangerous to talk about because it just pushes so hard
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  against everything our culture is celebrating right now.
• 1:01
  Oh, absolutely. I.
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  Mean you scroll through social media, you walk through the self
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  help aisle at a bookstore. The message is always the same.
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  It's all about autonomy. Your truth, your.
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  Truth. It's about defining yourself.
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  The story is that you are the main character in your own
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  movie, and everybody else is just a supporting actor.
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  And if a supporting actor, even if it's a parent, isn't helping
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  the plot along, or if they're difficult.
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  You write them out of the ship. You just write them out.
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  It's seen as a healthy boundary. That is the air we breathe,
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  isn't it? The whole modern western idea is
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  that relationships are basically transactional.
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  We stay in them for as long as they serve our own self
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  actualization. How does this relationship make
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  me feel? What does it contribute to my
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  goals? Exactly.
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  But the biblical worldview, and especially the covenantal one we
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  hold to it, just starts from a totally different place, a
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  different planet almost. It starts with the idea that
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  we're creatures. We're not self-made, right?
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  We didn't choose to exist, and we certainly didn't choose the
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  context of our existence. And that is such a hard pill for
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  people to swallow, especially people who really value their
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  independence. The idea that we are placed in a
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  family by a sovereign decree, not by our own choice, that's so
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  countercultural. It is.
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  It means we have obligations that we never actually signed up
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  for. There's no contract.
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  That's the heart of it. The fifth commandment isn't a
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  suggestion for when you happen to have great parents.
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  It's a command, and it's rooted in the very character and design
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  of God. So today our job is really to
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  crack open Exodus 20.1 and see what's really in there.
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  We've got a whole stack of sources here, some exegetical
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  studies on the Hebrew and Greek, the Westminster Larger
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  Catechism, some Puritan writings, and we're going to see
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  that this command is about way more than just being polite.
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  OK, so let's start with the structure, the structure of the
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  10 commandments themselves. I think this is a really helpful
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  place to set the scene. In our research, the 5th
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  commandment was described as the hinge of the Decalogue.
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  And that's that's a fascinating image.
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  What does that mean? It's a great image.
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  It's a structural observation, really.
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  If you look at the 10 commandments, they're usually
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  divided into two tables or two sections.
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  The first table is the 1st 4 commandments.
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  You know you shall have no other gods before me, no carved
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  images. Don't take the Lord's name in
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  vain, Keep the Sabbath holy. These are all vertical duties.
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  Pointing up to God. They describe our direct
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  relationship with God, how we worship Him, how we regard His
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  name, how we respect His time. So the first table is purely
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  about worship. It's the creature and the
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  creator. That's right.
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  Then you have the second table, and that's Commandment 6 through
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  10. You shall not murder.
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  You shall not commit adultery, steal, bear false witness, and
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  covet. OK, those are all horizontal.
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  Right. They're all horizontal duties.
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  They govern how we treat our neighbors.
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  They protect life, marriage, property, reputation, and even
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  the heart's desires about those things.
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  And smack in the middle you have the 5th commandment.
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  Honor your father and your mother.
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  It sits right in the gap. It's the bridge, it's the hinge
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  that connects the two. It transitions us from our
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  duties to God to our duty to our neighbor.
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  And that's not an accident, I assume.
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  No, the position is part of the meaning.
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  In God's design, parents are the very first neighbors a child
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  ever has. But they're unique neighbors
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  because they're also the first representatives of authority
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  that child will ever know to. A little kid parents are kind of
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  God like figures, aren't they? They are.
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  They provide food safety law, meaning they are the visible
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  representatives of the invisible God.
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  So how we learn to relate to our parents, that sets the pattern
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  for how we relate to all other authority down the line.
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  Yes, It sets the trajectory for your whole life.
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  If a child learns to respect the authority of the parent, they're
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  being trained in a sense, to respect the authority of the
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  police officer, the employer, the church elder, and ultimately
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  God himself. And if that hinge is broken?
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  If that hinge is broken, if the child learns contempt in the
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  home, then the whole door falls off.
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  They're probably going to struggle to submit to any
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  authority, and that includes gods.
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  That makes so much sense, and it also explains why this is the
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  first commandment that comes with a promise that your days
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  may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you
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  right now. I think a lot of people misread
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  that. They see it as a kind of
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  personal health guarantee. Like if I'm nice to my mom, I'll
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  live to be 95 and I won't get cancer.
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  Yeah, we have to be careful not to read it as some kind of
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  mechanical individual transaction.
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  It's not a vending machine. It's a covenantal principle.
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  It was given to the people of Israel as a whole, a society
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  that respects rightful authority, and it starts in the
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  home. That's a stable society.
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  It has internal order. It tends to flourish.
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  It tends to last. And a society that doesn't.
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  A society that normalizes rebellion, where the youth are
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  in charge and the elders are despised, well, that's a society
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  in chaos. It's a society that is
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  effectively under judgment, so the promise is really about the
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  stability and flourishing of the whole community and the land God
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  has given them. Wow.
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  OK, so that raises the stakes a lot.
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  We're not just talking about having happy families.
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  We're talking about the structural integrity of a whole
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  civilization. We are.
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  But we need to drill down into the definition of honor itself.
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  I mean, we use that word all the time.
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  We honor veterans. We honor award winners.
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  But in the Bible, the Word is much more physical, isn't it?
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  It is the the Hebrew word is kabed.
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  And you're right, it's visceral. Literally it means heavy or
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  weighty. It actually comes from the same
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  root as the word for glory, which is kabod, heavy, heavy.
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  So to honor someone in the biblical sense is to treat them
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  as if they carry mass, as if they have weight.
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  I like the physics analogy there.
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  If something is actually heavy, you have to adjust to it.
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  You can't just brush it aside like it's nothing.
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  Think about it. If there is a giant boulder in
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  the middle of your living room, you couldn't ignore it.
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  You'd have to walk around it. You'd have to acknowledge its
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  presence every time you entered the room.
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  It exerts a kind of gravitational pull.
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  To honor your father and mother is to give them that kind of
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  significance in your life. You treat their words, their
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  position, their needs as matters of substance.
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  You let them weigh on you. And the opposite of that gives
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  us a really clear picture of what sin looks like here.
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  What's the Hebrew word for dishonor?
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  The word is kalal, and if kabad means heavy, kalal literally
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  means to be light, to be slight or swift or trifling.
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  It means to treat something as if it has no weight at all.
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  Like a feather. Like a feather or a piece of
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  chaff that you just blow. Away.
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  So dishonor isn't always active hostility.
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  Then it can just be dismissal. That is such a crucial
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  distinction. We often think we're keeping the
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  5th commandment as long as we're not, you know, screaming at our
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  parents or physically attacking them.
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  Right, I don't hate them. But Kal suggests that if you
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  simply ignore them, if you treat their counsel as completely
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  irrelevant, if you treat their needs as negligible, you are
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  cursing them. You're acting out a verdict that
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  says you are weightless. To me, you do not matter.
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  That hits home. It's so easy to treat people
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  that way, especially as they get older and maybe lose some of
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  their sharpness. We patronize them.
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  We kind of nod and smile, but we don't actually listen.
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  That's Kalal. It is, and in the ancient Near
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  East, and more to the point, in God's economy, to take a heavy
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  office, the parental office, and to treat it as light is a
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  massive offense. It's a form of reality denial.
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  God has established a mountain and you're acting like it's a
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  molehill. OK, this brings us right to this
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  idea of the theology of weight in God's Providence, because the
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  objection I can hear listeners making right now, and I've felt
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  this myself, is but my parents aren't heavy.
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  They're foolish. They're weak.
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  They've made terrible choices. How can I possibly treat them as
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  weighty when they act like feathers?
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  And that's the question, isn't it?
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  That's where the Reformed doctrine of the office is so
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  helpful. We honor the position that got
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  established, not necessarily the performance of the person in it.
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  The family is not a social contract.
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  You didn't interview a bunch of candidates for the role of
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  father and then hire the most qualified applicant, and they
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  didn't choose you from a lineup of babies.
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  It's a sovereign decree. God, in His infinite and
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  sometimes mysterious wisdom, placed you in that specific
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  lineage. So the weight comes from the
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  badge, not necessarily from the person wearing it.
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  In a way, yes. Just like you stand up when a
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  judge enters the courtroom. You do that whether you think
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  he's a brilliant legal mind or, frankly, a bit of a bore.
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  You honor the robe. You honor the authority that's
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  been vested in him by the state with parents.
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  The authority is vested by God himself.
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  They are his stewards. Home, as the Puritan said, is
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  the school of wisdom. And God uses these specific
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  people with all their flaws to train us.
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  Sometimes they train us by their wisdom, and sometimes they train
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  us by requiring us to submit even when it's really, really
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  difficult. So that reframes the whole
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  struggle. If I rebel against my difficult
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  father, I'm not just fighting a man, I'm actually fighting the
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  God who put him there. You're fighting Providence.
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  You're basically asserting that you know better than God where
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  you should have been placed, and that is a very dangerous
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  position to be in. It is.
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  And the Westminster Larger Catechism, it expands this even
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  further. It says father and mother in the
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  commandment refers not just to biological parents, but to all
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  superiors, employers, elders, civil leaders.
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  But it all starts in the nursery.
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  If you can't honor the first authority God puts in your life,
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  you'll struggle to honor any authority.
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  OK, let's move into the specific ways that we fail at this.
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  The outline calls this sins of action, and the sources we
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  looked at were, well, they were quote specific.
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  They did not hold back. I think we need to look at the
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  tongue first. The tongue is a fire, as James
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  says, and in the home it's often the primary weapon of warfare.
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  And the sources we reviewed really highlighted sarcasm as a
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  major issue. Sarcasm is interesting because
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  we defend it so often. We say, oh, that's just my sense
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  of humor. We're a sarcastic family.
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  We just banter. But you're saying it's something
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  more sinister than that? Well, look at the root of the
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  word. Sarcasm comes from a Greek word
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  that means to tear flush. It's not innocent play.
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  It's usually a way to belittle someone while maintaining the
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  shield of just joking. When a child uses sarcasm
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  against a parent, they're using their wit to cut that parent
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  down to size. They're making the parent like
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  Qalal while trying to avoid the consequences of open rebellion.
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  It's a way of scoring points. It's verbal dominance.
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  It is, and then you have the modern version of this, which is
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  public shaming, and the sources pointed out how social media has
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  just weaponized this completely. Oh, I see this all the time.
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  People will post screenshots of text messages from their
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  parents, you know, highlighting how out of touch they are or how
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  how they are using technology or how cringe their political takes
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  are. And the whole goal is to get
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  likes. It's look at what I have to put
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  up with. Just think about what that act
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  represents for a second. You are taking the private
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  weakness or failure of your parent, and you're broadcasting
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  it to the entire world for your own social gain.
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  You are selling their dignity to buy approval from total
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  strangers. In the Old Testament, there's a
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  strong emphasis on covering the nakedness of 1's father.
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  This is the exact opposite. This is exposing their nakedness
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  for applause. It is a profound violation of
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  the 5th Commandment. There was a verse in Proverbs
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  that came up in the research, Proverbs 30.1 and Tim.
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  And I've read Proverbs a bunch of times, but this one, this one
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  always makes me flinch. It is incredibly graphic.
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  The eye that mocks a father and scorns to obey a mother will be
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  picked out by the Ravens of the valley and eaten by the
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  vultures. That sounds like something out
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  of a horror movie. Why is the imagery so violent?
• 12:35
  Why Ravens and vultures? It's nature poetry, but it's
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  making a very sharp moral point. In the ancient world, to be left
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  unburied was the ultimate curse. It meant you were carrion, you
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  were refuse. So the writer is saying that the
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  act of mocking a parent, that look of contempt, that sneal, is
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  so unnatural, so contrary to the created order, that it belongs
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  to the realm of death and decay. So saying that a child mocking a
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  parent is a kind of monstrosity. Yes, we tend to think of the eye
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  role as this harmless teenage phase.
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  We excuse it. Oh, that's just what they do.
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  But the Bible sees it as the seed of a curse.
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  It calls it moral ugliness. The eye that mocks is looking at
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  God-given authority and despising it.
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  And that is a heart posture that leads to destruction.
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  And we often justify it, don't we, by saying but I'm just
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  telling the truth. My dad is annoying.
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  My mom did say something stupid. And that's what we could call
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  using honesty to wound. Truth without love is a weapon.
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  Just because something is factually true doesn't mean you
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  have the right to use it as a club to dismantle someone's
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  dignity. If you're using facts to
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  humiliate your parent, that's not biblical.
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  On that is pride masked as truth telling.
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  OK, let's talk about performative rebellion.
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  That phrase really stuck out to me in the notes.
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  This isn't just saying no, this is the whole theatrical
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  production. Right.
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  This is the child, or frankly, the adult child, who uses their
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  mood to control the atmosphere of the home.
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  It's the slamming of doors. It's the heavy sigh that echoes
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  through the entire house. It's the stomping up the stairs.
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  It's basically domestic terrorism.
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  It is a power play. The message is, if you ask me to
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  do something I don't want to do, I will make the environment in
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  this house so miserable that you will regret ever asking.
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  It's pure pragmatism. And the sad thing is it often
• 14:21
  works. Parents back down because they
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  just want peace. But theologically, what's
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  happening there? Theologically, it's self will
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  attempting to dethrone God's delegated authority.
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  The child is asserting that their comfort and their desires
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  are the supreme law of the house.
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  They're acting as a rival king in the Kingdom.
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  The sources also mentioned and embody judgments.
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  This goes back to the eye roll, but it also includes things like
• 14:46
  the silent treatment. The silent treatment is
• 14:48
  devastating. It is a form of shunning.
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  When you refuse to speak to a parent, or you give them clipped
• 14:54
  one word answers while you're looking at your phone, you are
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  erasing them. You're treating them as if they
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  don't even exist. That is the ultimate koala,
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  making them so weightless they become invisible.
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  And the scary part, as the notes mentioned, is that this is
• 15:07
  training, this is practice. We are creatures of habit.
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  Every single time you roll your eyes, every time you sigh with
• 15:14
  contempt, you're grooving A neural pathway in your brain.
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  You are practicing disrespect. You are catechizing your own
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  heart to despise authority. And eventually that just becomes
• 15:25
  your default character. You become a person who can't
• 15:27
  honor anyone. That is a very sobering thought.
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  We are actually shaping our souls by these tiny, seemingly
• 15:35
  insignificant actions. We are.
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  Now, I want to pivot here because this is where the
• 15:39
  conversation really shifts. To those of us who are adults,
• 15:42
  you know we're not teenagers slamming doors anymore, but we
• 15:47
  might be guilty of neglect and exploitation.
• 15:49
  This is a massive area of conviction for modern
• 15:52
  Christians. It's so easy to think the 5th
• 15:54
  commandment is just for kids, but if you look at the New
• 15:57
  Testament, some of the sharpest rebukes about this command are
• 16:00
  directed at adults who failed to care for their aging parents.
• 16:03
  And Jesus brings this up himself in Mark Chapter 7 with the
• 16:06
  Corban controversy. This is a fascinating piece of
• 16:09
  history. Can you walk us through what was
• 16:10
  happening there? This was a major confrontation
• 16:13
  between Jesus and the Pharisees. Now we have to remember the
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  Pharisees were the rigorous ones.
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  They were the people who care deeply about the details of the
• 16:21
  law, but they had developed this tradition, this loophole that
• 16:25
  allowed them to completely bypass the 5th Commandment.
• 16:28
  What was the loophole? It was called Corbin.
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  A man could declare his assets, his money, his property as
• 16:35
  Corbin, which means dedicated to God.
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  Basically a gift for the temple. OK.
• 16:40
  And once it was dedicated, he could then say to his needy
• 16:43
  parents, Mom, Dad, I would love to help you pay for food or
• 16:46
  shelter, but I can't. You see this money is holy.
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  It belongs to God now. So they're using religious
• 16:52
  devotion as an excuse to neglect their family duties.
• 16:55
  Exactly. They were pitting the first
• 16:58
  table of the law, their duty to God, against the second table,
• 17:00
  their duty to their neighbor, all to save their own money.
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  And Jesus was furious. He accused them of nullifying
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  the word of God for the sake of their man made tradition.
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  He saw right through it, but it was a spiritual cloak for a
• 17:12
  heart of cold selfishness. So how do we see Corbin today?
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  I mean, I doubt many listeners are formally dedicating their
• 17:19
  bank accounts to the temple to avoid paying for nursing home
• 17:22
  fees. No, we do it in more subtle
• 17:24
  ways. We use the currency of time and
• 17:26
  calling. We say I can't possibly help my
• 17:29
  parents this weekend. I have a church retreat, or I
• 17:32
  can't take care of mom. I have to focus on my ministry
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  or I have to pour everything into my career because that's
• 17:37
  where God has placed me. We spiritualize our own
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  unavailability. We wrap our neglect in the
• 17:44
  language of Christian stewardship.
• 17:46
  We tell ourselves we're doing important work for the Kingdom,
• 17:49
  and so we're exempt from the mundane, messy, unglamorous work
• 17:52
  of caring for aging parents. But Jesus's point is that caring
• 17:56
  for your parents is the work of the Kingdom.
• 17:58
  If your ministry requires you to abandon the primary people God
• 18:02
  gave you to love and honor, it's not a ministry that pleases God.
• 18:05
  That leads to the distinction you made in the notes between
• 18:08
  omission and chosen neglect. Yeah, and this is a necessary
• 18:11
  nuance. Simple omission might be
• 18:14
  forgetfulness. You got overwhelmed and you
• 18:17
  forgot to call on a birthday. That's a failure and you should
• 18:20
  apologize for it, but it comes from weakness.
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  Chosen neglect is different. So this is when you see the call
• 18:28
  coming in from your mother and you consciously silence it
• 18:30
  because you just don't want to deal with her right now.
• 18:32
  It's when you know your parents are lonely and you have a free
• 18:35
  Saturday, but you choose to stay home and watch Netflix because
• 18:39
  you just don't want the hassle. It's premeditated.
• 18:41
  It's an active decision to withhold good.
• 18:43
  It's what some have called action, like omission, and the
• 18:47
  apostle Paul just drops a hammer on this in First Timothy 5 verse
• 18:50
  8. I was waiting for this verse to
• 18:52
  come up. It's one of the heaviest verses
• 18:53
  in the whole New Testament. Paul writes, but if anyone does
• 18:56
  not provide for his relatives and especially for members of
• 18:58
  his household, he is denied the faith and is worse than an
• 19:01
  unbeliever. Worse than an unbeliever that
• 19:04
  just stops you in your tracks? Why worse?
• 19:06
  What does that mean? Because even pagans, just by the
• 19:09
  light of nature, usually care for their own parents.
• 19:12
  The Greeks, the Romans, the Chinese, almost every culture in
• 19:16
  human history recognizes this as a natural duty.
• 19:19
  It's written on the conscience. So if a Christian who claims to
• 19:23
  know the God of sacrificial love refuses this basic natural duty,
• 19:28
  they are acting below the level of a Pagan.
• 19:31
  They're a hypocrite. They're a profound hypocrite.
• 19:33
  Their theology is worthless because their life completely
• 19:36
  denies it. The sources also touched on the
• 19:37
  flip side of neglect, which is act of exploitation.
• 19:41
  This is financial abuse. Yeah, this is the adult child
• 19:45
  who is constantly borrowing money with no intention of ever
• 19:49
  paying it back. It's the 30 year old living at
• 19:51
  home, contributing nothing to the household expenses,
• 19:54
  basically draining the parents retirement to fund their own
• 19:57
  lack of ambition. Or using guilt to manipulate
• 19:59
  them. Well, if you really left me,
• 20:01
  you'd help me with this car payment.
• 20:02
  It's predation. It's a form of cannibalism in a
• 20:04
  way. You are eating your parents
• 20:07
  instead of being a support to them in their old age.
• 20:09
  You're a parasite. You're treating them as a
• 20:11
  resource to be mined, not a heavy office to be respected,
• 20:15
  and it's just a high handed violation of the command.
• 20:18
  OK, so we've diagnosed the symptoms and it is a pretty grim
• 20:21
  picture and we've got verbal cruelty, performative rebellion,
• 20:25
  Corbin style neglect, financial predation, but reformed
• 20:29
  thinking. Always ask the question why?
• 20:32
  What is the root system that's feeding this ugly fruit?
• 20:35
  Why do we find it so incredibly hard to honor these people?
• 20:38
  Well, if you dig up the roots of dishonor, you almost always hit
• 20:41
  bedrock at pride and autonomy. The desire to be the boss.
• 20:43
  The core Adamic desire to be 1's own law.
• 20:46
  We resent our parents because they are the primary living
• 20:50
  reminder that we are not self created.
• 20:52
  They are the evidence that we are dependent creatures.
• 20:54
  We came from them. We were helpless in their arms.
• 20:57
  And if your core desire is to be your own God, to be the master
• 21:00
  of your fate, you will hate anything that reminds you that
• 21:02
  you are, in fact, a creature. A deep allergy to authority.
• 21:06
  Yes, and the world constantly feeds that allergy.
• 21:10
  But there's another route, too. The idolatry of comfort.
• 21:14
  And this is a big one for our culture.
• 21:16
  We worship ease. We really do.
• 21:18
  And let's just be honest, honoring parents, especially as
• 21:21
  they age, is incredibly inconvenient.
• 21:25
  It is messy. It is slow.
• 21:27
  It takes up your time. It sometimes involves bodily
• 21:29
  fluids. It often involves repetitive
• 21:32
  conversations. It costs money, right?
• 21:34
  If your highest God in life is your own personal comfort, you
• 21:37
  simply cannot honor your parents.
• 21:39
  It's impossible. You will always view them as an
• 21:42
  intruder. You'll see them as a burden that
• 21:44
  interferes with your life. We want a frictionless life and
• 21:47
  family is just pure friction. It is correct.
• 21:51
  And then there's bitterness, and this is probably the hardest one
• 21:53
  for people to hear because the pain behind it is often very
• 21:56
  real. We're not denying that many
• 21:57
  parents have failed, sometimes deeply.
• 21:59
  No, the pain is real, but bitterness takes that pain and
• 22:04
  turns it into something else. Bitterness turns dishonor into a
• 22:07
  form of vigilante justice. The logic goes like this.
• 22:11
  You hurt me when I was a kid. You were harsh.
• 22:13
  You were absent, you were whatever.
• 22:14
  So now I am entitled to hurt you.
• 22:16
  I'm entitled to cut you off. I'm entitled to speak to you
• 22:19
  with contempt. It turns the heart into a
• 22:21
  courtroom. And the child appoints
• 22:23
  themselves as the judge, the jury, and the executioner.
• 22:27
  It feels like justice, but it's actually vengeance.
• 22:31
  And Scripture is crystal clear. Vengeance is mine, says the
• 22:35
  Lord. When we act out of bitterness,
• 22:38
  we are usurping God's role as the judge.
• 22:40
  We're saying, God, you aren't punishing them enough.
• 22:42
  So I'm going to do it myself. There's.
• 22:44
  One more route the sources listed that I found really
• 22:46
  interesting. Fear of man.
• 22:49
  This is huge for teenagers, but it affects adults too.
• 22:52
  Just think about how we talk to our peers.
• 22:54
  It's often seen as cool to complain about your parents.
• 22:57
  It signals your independence. It signals that you're liberated
• 23:01
  from your family of origin. Yeah, if you talk about how much
• 23:03
  you love and respect your parents, you risk looking like a
• 23:06
  mama's boy or a daddy's girl. You look, you know, soft.
• 23:09
  Exactly. So we perform contempt to get
• 23:12
  validation from our friends. We sell out our parents to buy
• 23:15
  popularity. We mock them in public to show
• 23:18
  that we are independent agents. It's a cheap and ugly
• 23:20
  transaction, but we do it all the time.
• 23:23
  OK. I have to stop us here because I
• 23:25
  know there are listeners right now here struggling with this.
• 23:27
  They're screaming at their speakers.
• 23:28
  You know, my dad, he's abusive. My mom is dangerous.
• 23:31
  She's an addict. He's a narcissist.
• 23:33
  We have to talk about the nuance.
• 23:35
  Does honor mean blind obedience? Does it mean being a doormat for
• 23:39
  abuse? No, absolutely not.
• 23:41
  And this is so critical. We have to distinguish between
• 23:44
  the scope of authority and the limit of authority.
• 23:47
  The command in Ephesians 6.1 is Children obey your parents in
• 23:51
  the Lord. In the Lord, that's the limiting
• 23:53
  clause. It's the boundary line.
• 23:54
  Parental authority is delegated authority.
• 23:56
  It's not absolute. God is the supreme authority.
• 23:59
  Parents are, you could say middle management.
• 24:02
  So if a parent commands a child to sin, to lie, to steal, to
• 24:06
  commit fraud, to forsake Christ, the child has a duty to disobey
• 24:09
  that command. Acts 5.29 We must obey God
• 24:13
  rather than men. That's the principle.
• 24:15
  If your father asks you to help him cook the books for his
• 24:18
  business, honoring him actually looks like saying no.
• 24:21
  You honor the higher Father by refusing the sin of the earthly
• 24:25
  father. You're actually showing more
• 24:27
  respect for the Office of Fatherhood by refusing to help
• 24:30
  him to file it. What about safety?
• 24:32
  What about physical or severe emotional abuse?
• 24:36
  The Westminster Larger Catechism is very helpful here when it
• 24:39
  outlines the duties of superiors.
• 24:41
  It explicitly forbids parents from provoking their children or
• 24:45
  acting in ways that destroy them.
• 24:48
  Abuse is a sin. It is often a crime.
• 24:51
  Honor does not mean offering yourself up as a victim to be
• 24:54
  destroyed. So setting a boundary can be a
• 24:56
  biblical thing to do. Absolutely.
• 24:57
  If a parent is violent or dangerous or fundamentally
• 25:00
  destructive, protecting yourself, and especially
• 25:03
  protecting your own children, is a duty.
• 25:05
  You might need to involve civil authorities.
• 25:07
  You might need to separate physically.
• 25:09
  You might need to cease contact for a season to ensure safety.
• 25:13
  That isn't necessarily dishonor. It can be a sober, tragic use of
• 25:17
  God's means of protection. But the attitude behind it
• 25:19
  really matters, right? This goes back to the heart.
• 25:21
  That is the key distinction. You can set a boundary without
• 25:25
  cultivating hatred in your heart.
• 25:26
  You can call the police on an abusive father without malice,
• 25:30
  but out of a sober desire for justice and safety.
• 25:33
  You can separate from a toxic mother without wishing evil upon
• 25:36
  her. The Christian goal is always
• 25:38
  safety and righteousness, not retaliation.
• 25:41
  You can protect yourself without becoming bitter.
• 25:44
  Now that is a supernatural work, but it is the calling.
• 25:47
  What about the transition into adulthood?
• 25:50
  Genesis 2.24 says a man leaves his father and mother.
• 25:53
  Right. The relationship changes form
• 25:55
  when you're 6 years old. Honor looks like immediate
• 25:57
  obedience. Put on your shoes, OK?
• 25:59
  And when you're 30 and you've left to form a new household,
• 26:02
  you don't ask your dad for permission to buy a Honda or
• 26:05
  take a job in Chicago. You are under God's direct
• 26:08
  authority now in a new way. So obedience in that sense has
• 26:11
  an expiration date. Obedience transfers, but honor.
• 26:14
  The weightiness, the respect, the gratitude, the willingness
• 26:18
  to listen, to counsel even if you don't follow it, the
• 26:20
  practical care for their needs that is lifelong.
• 26:23
  You graduate from obedience, but you never graduate from honor.
• 26:26
  That's a really helpful way to distinguish it.
• 26:28
  We have diagnosed the disease and honestly, it feels terminal.
• 26:32
  I don't think anyone listening can honestly say I've nailed
• 26:35
  this. We've all rolled our eyes, we've
• 26:37
  all wished for more autonomy. We have all failed to give the
• 26:41
  weight that is due. So where's the hope?
• 26:46
  This is where we have to alley the Law Gospel distinction.
• 26:49
  The 5th commandment, just like all of the law, acts first as a
• 26:53
  mirror. It shows us our depravity.
• 26:55
  It shows us in high definition that we are covenant Breakers.
• 26:59
  We have not loved our neighbor as ourselves, starting with the
• 27:02
  very first neighbors in our own home.
• 27:04
  So the answer can't just be go try harder.
• 27:07
  If we leave it at try Harder, we will just crush people because
• 27:10
  you can't conjure up genuine love for a difficult parent from
• 27:13
  a dead heart. We have to look away from
• 27:15
  ourselves and we have to look to Christ.
• 27:17
  Jesus is the perfect Son. This is the doctrine of His
• 27:20
  active obedience. Jesus didn't just die for our
• 27:22
  sins, He lived for our righteousness.
• 27:25
  He was born under the law. He had earthly parents and they
• 27:28
  were sinful, imperfect parents. Mary and Joseph were sinners.
• 27:31
  Remember, they lost him in Jerusalem.
• 27:33
  And yet Luke 2 tells us He was submissive to them.
• 27:37
  He honored them perfectly. He never rolled his eyes.
• 27:40
  Never. He never treated them as light.
• 27:42
  He never spoke with sarcasm. He gave them the full weight of
• 27:45
  their office, even though he was the very God who created them.
• 27:49
  He submitted to the people He was sustaining by his own.
• 27:51
  Power And of course, he honored his Heavenly Father.
• 27:54
  Perfectly not my will, but yours be done.
• 27:58
  And then look at the cross. This to me is the most moving
• 28:02
  example. In his dying moments, he's
• 28:04
  asphyxiating. He's bearing the wrath of God
• 28:06
  for the sin of the world, and he looks down and he sees his
• 28:08
  mother. John 19.
• 28:09
  Woman, behold your son. And he arranges for her care.
• 28:13
  He fulfills the 5th commandment while he is dying for the sins
• 28:15
  of those who broke it. He makes sure she is not left
• 28:18
  destitute. And the good news, the gospel,
• 28:21
  is that his perfect record is credited to us.
• 28:24
  That's imputation. When God looks at a believer, he
• 28:28
  doesn't see our long history of teenage rebellion or adult
• 28:31
  neglect. He sees Christ's perfect record
• 28:34
  of honor. We are clothed in the
• 28:36
  righteousness of the perfect Son.
• 28:38
  The verdict, well done, good and faithful servant, is spoken over
• 28:42
  us because it was earned by him. And the curse, the Ravens of the
• 28:46
  valley that we talked about. Christ became a curse for us
• 28:49
  Galatians 3.13 The judgement we deserved for our contempt fell
• 28:53
  on Him. He was treated as light,
• 28:55
  despised and rejected by men so that we could be forgiven.
• 28:59
  He took the Ravens so we could have the dove of the Spirit.
• 29:02
  So if we're already forgiven and we have Christ's perfect record,
• 29:06
  why bother honoring now? Is it just to thank you know?
• 29:10
  It flows from our union with Christ.
• 29:11
  We are adopted children of God. We have the Spirit of the Son in
• 29:14
  our hearts. And what does the Spirit do?
• 29:16
  He cries out ABBA Father. He loves the Father's will.
• 29:19
  We honor our earthly parents not to earn salvation, but because
• 29:22
  we have salvation. The Spirit uses the command to
• 29:24
  guide our gratitude. He changes our affections.
• 29:27
  He takes out the heart of stone and gives us a heart of flesh.
• 29:30
  He replaces contempt with humility.
• 29:33
  He gives us the power to be gentle when our flesh wants to
• 29:35
  be snappy. He gives us the grace to visit
• 29:38
  the Mersing home when we want to flee.
• 29:41
  It's the fruit of the Spirit, not the result of our own
• 29:43
  willpower. And this is what we call the
• 29:45
  third use of the law becomes a guide for our sanctification.
• 29:50
  OK, let's get really practical in our final few minutes here.
• 29:53
  We need to talk about repentance and repair.
• 29:56
  If a listener is convicted right now, maybe they realize they've
• 29:59
  been practicing Corbin, or they've been sarcastic and
• 30:02
  cruel. What do they do?
• 30:04
  It has to start with confession, and it must be vertical.
• 30:06
  First you have to go to God and say, Lord, I have sinned against
• 30:10
  you by dishonouring the authority you placed over me.
• 30:13
  I have treated your institution as light.
• 30:15
  I have been proud. Forgive me.
• 30:18
  Then you have to go to your parents, and the sources all
• 30:20
  emphasize this. Be specific.
• 30:22
  Don't do the I'm sorry if you felt hurt thing.
• 30:24
  That is a non apology that puts the blame on their feelings.
• 30:27
  It's manipulative. You have to own the action.
• 30:30
  You need to say, Dad, I was wrong to speak to you with Sark
• 30:32
  Orchasm yesterday. That was disrespectful.
• 30:34
  It was a sin. Will you please forgive me?
• 30:36
  Or mom, I was wrong to mock you. To my friends, that was a
• 30:39
  betrayal of your trust. I am so sorry.
• 30:42
  That is excruciatingly hard to do.
• 30:45
  It requires killing your pride. It is a death, it's a mini
• 30:48
  crucifixion of the ego, but it's what leads to life.
• 30:51
  It breaks down walls that have been there for years.
• 30:54
  What about restitution? We don't use that word enough in
• 30:57
  the modern church. Think of Zacchaeus in the tree.
• 31:00
  He didn't just say sorry, he paid back what he took with
• 31:04
  interest, right? So if you've been financially
• 31:06
  exploiting your parents, repentance looks like making a
• 31:09
  budget and a plan to pay them back, even if it takes years.
• 31:13
  If you've been slandering them to the rest of the family,
• 31:15
  repentance looks like going back to those people and correcting
• 31:18
  the record. You know, I lied about mom.
• 31:21
  She didn't actually say that. I was just angry.
• 31:23
  That is serious business. That is putting your money where
• 31:26
  your mouth is. It is, but that's what it looks
• 31:29
  like to take the weight of this commandment seriously.
• 31:31
  It shows that your repentance is real fruit, not just emty words.
• 31:36
  And then finally, building new habits.
• 31:39
  Repentance means turning around and walking in the other
• 31:41
  direction. So bridle the tongue, catch the
• 31:44
  sarcasm before it comes out of your mouth.
• 31:46
  Initiate contact. Don't wait for them to call you
• 31:49
  and guilt trip you. Call them, visit them.
• 31:52
  Change your demeanor. Choose to be heavy with honor
• 31:54
  rather than light with contempt. But what if it's too late?
• 31:58
  Or what if the relationship is just too broken?
• 32:00
  What if you apologize and they just throw it back in your face?
• 32:03
  Romans 12.1 Teen is our anchor here.
• 32:06
  If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably
• 32:09
  with all. So far as it depends on you.
• 32:11
  Reconciliation takes two people. Repentance only takes 1.
• 32:15
  You cannot force them to forgive you.
• 32:16
  You cannot force them to be healthy parents.
• 32:19
  You can't fix their brokenness, but you can make sure that your
• 32:22
  side of the street is clean before God.
• 32:24
  You can honor them by being respectful, even if they are not
• 32:26
  respectful in return. Your goal is to please Christ
• 32:29
  regardless of how your parent responds.
• 32:31
  That's incredibly freeing, actually.
• 32:33
  You're responsible for your obedience, not for their
• 32:36
  reaction. You play to an audience of 1.
• 32:38
  Precisely. And in doing that, you bear
• 32:41
  witness to the grace of God in your life.
• 32:43
  As we wrap up, let's zoom out one last time.
• 32:46
  What is at stake here? If we just keep going with the
• 32:49
  flow of our culture, autonomy, cutting people off, sarcasm,
• 32:52
  self will, what happens? The consequences are severe.
• 32:57
  Dishonor breaks the person. It ruins your character.
• 32:59
  It makes you proud and harsh and unable to submit to any
• 33:03
  authority. It makes you unteachable.
• 33:05
  It breaks the home. It destroys trust and intimacy.
• 33:08
  It breaks the church. Our witness to the world is
• 33:11
  hollow if we can't even love our own families.
• 33:14
  And ultimately, it breaks society.
• 33:16
  We become a culture of disjointed, lonely individuals
• 33:18
  who can't work together because we can't respect anyone.
• 33:21
  But there's a better way. The way of weight.
• 33:24
  The way of Christ, the way of giving honor where it is due.
• 33:27
  So here's our final thought for you, the listener.
• 33:29
  We've talked a lot about parents today, but at its core, this
• 33:32
  isn't really about them, is it? No, honor is not parent worship,
• 33:36
  it is God worship. When you choose to honor the
• 33:40
  imperfect, frustrating, sometimes difficult aging people
• 33:44
  that God placed over you, you are bowing your knee to God
• 33:47
  himself. You are saying, Lord, your
• 33:49
  design is good, your Providence is wise, and I trust you even
• 33:54
  when it is hard. That's the challenge, to see the
• 33:56
  face of God's authority even in the face of human weakness.
• 33:59
  And to do it in the strength of the son who honored his father
• 34:02
  perfectly for us. Thanks for joining us on this
• 34:04
  deep dive. This is Reformed thinking.
• 34:06
  Let's go give some weight to the people God put in our lives.