Latest / Alive, I Guess Podcast / Episode 30 - Mama’s ‘Girl’ Be Happenin

Transcript

Episode 30 - Mama’s ‘Girl’ Be Happenin · Alive, I Guess Podcast

• 0:00
  unknown: I'ma live like it.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a live like it.
• 0:03
  unknown: I'ma live like it.
• 0:06
  unknown: I'ma live like it.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'ma live like it.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: What's up, y'all?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to your safe space.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, RJ, and this is the Alive I Guess Podcast.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you're new here, welcome.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you for joining.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here, welcome back.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you as always.
• 0:32
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• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: For all inquiries, email us at alive I guesspodcast at gmail.com.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: For I Say This With Love submissions, visit tinyurl.com slash AIGP advice.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: And make sure y'all are following us on the Patreon for just seven dollars a month.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're going to be talking about one of my favorite people in life ever, my mom.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I understand that a lot of people have different relationships with their mom, and I know that it can be a big topic and relationship in our community.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to discuss my personal relationship because that's my girl.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: We have had quite a ride to get to this point, and I'm excited to share with y'all just who this woman is.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: But you already know.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Before we get into that, we got to do a moment of gratitude.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are listening today, say something out loud that you are grateful for.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are watching, drop something below in the comments.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Today, I am grateful for fresh air.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's the summertime, we outside.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Global warming has it so that it's still a little cold outside, which is beyond me, but it's not unbearably hot.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I have been enjoying the sun, getting that fresh air, really letting it fill my lungs.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to become more intentional with the smaller things.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: And because of recent events, I understand that you can't take the small things for granted.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so I really appreciate fresh air.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, there's communities out there who don't have fresh air, whose air is polluted with many different re things for many different reasons.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, I'm not gonna get too deep into that.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm grateful for fresh air.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: But all right, let's get into it.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Cause mama's girl be happening.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: My mom, I love my mom, truly.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, to know her, to truly know her is to love her.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think a lot of people have gotten the honor to know her as deeply as I have and my brothers have.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And she's an amazing woman.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like, the person that I am today is absolutely attributed to who she made me to be when I was younger that I took into my adulthood and had it's carried me up to this point.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now, just to level set with y'all, this isn't a mommy's issues episode.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna sit here and talk about all the issues or negative situations that we've had in life.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is just a journey through that entire upbringing, my childhood to this point.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Were there some things along the way?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, but this is more of like a love story for my mom.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now I've mentioned this before, but of my mom's kids, I am her middle child and her only daughter.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: I did have another sister.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she would have been older than me, but she did not make it, and so I am actually a rainbow baby.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: I like to say I'm a double rainbow baby because you know.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: But being her middle child, being her only girl, she looked to take care of me and protect me and keep me safe from the world, I'd say more aggressively than she did with at least my older brother.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that younger brother, as he's different.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: That baby is sheltered.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: But he he getting out there in the world now, so I'm proud of him.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I digress.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: But I was very protected and very looked after when I was younger.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Everything that she did for me, she did in the sake of keeping me safe, and she tried everything in her power to make sure the world did not taint my little childhood experience.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: But you can only do what you can because this world is crazy.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: But growing up, I was very codependent of my mom, as it is the tale of many black women.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: My mom has had traumas in life, a lot of people have, but because of that, I felt a need to really protect her, and that translated into me like always being by her side.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: There was one time uh my mom broke her foot, and I like literally didn't leave her side, like I was asleep at the foot of her bed or like on the floor, or like just be near her all the time.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I always felt so guilty if she was stressed or like she was upset because I really wanted to protect her, just like she wanted to protect me.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And as I've grown, that codependency has kind of shifted from me trying to protect her in the physical versus me trying to protect her from feeling bad when certain things would happen to me.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: So, what that would look like.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: I have been through some things.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: And for example, when me and my dad got into this situation and I wound up leaving his house middle of the night, mind you, it's not the safest area, but I can't call my mom at like 2 a.m.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: and tell her I'm on the street, you know.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: So once everything was resolved and I was safe, I called her to let her know, like, hey, like this happened.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Or I think I text her.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Point is usually after the bad thing happens and I resolve it, that's when I let her know.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, hey, but don't worry, like it's resolved.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I always felt like she is on the front line for me and my sibling so much, and I want to be on the front line for her.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I showed up in the best way I could in my little mind to protect her.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And look, when I was little, I loved my dad a lot.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: And my mom, we've talked about it.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: She was a bit um less patient when I was younger, and my dad had more patience.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: He was the fun dad, he was the weekend dad.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: So, of course, I wanted to go to my dad's house all the time, and I thought I wanted to live with him until I actually did in middle school, and that was horrendous.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: But I wanted to live with my dad most of my childhood.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, when you're the full-time parent, you can't be the fun parent too.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's the situation my mom was in.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Don't get me wrong, we did a lot.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: I did a lot of extracurriculars with her.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: I played basketball.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was in like a actually, I was in a few camps.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: I would did camps.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was out and about doing sports, and we went to family events.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it wasn't like it was just strict and boring and dry over there, but she was the primary caretaker.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: So it was a tighter ship than at my daddy's.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: All that to say, the relationship that I had with her when I was younger has shifted and morphed and changed so much, even before I hit an adult.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: When I was younger, I was like, I want to be with my dad.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: By the time I was 18, me and my mom were best friends.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: And now that I'm an adult, as relationships do, even that relationship has changed from when I was 18 to now.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is a story of evolving love, not perfect love, but real, genuine love.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: So my mom, for all you zodiac people out there, is a triple Virgo.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Sun, Moon, Rising, Virgo.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a Pisces.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: So my little sensitive heart and her very structured, logical heart, sometimes it would run up against each other.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, not necessarily like it was like, I hate you, but I'm sensitive and I'm taking everything to heart.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Couple that with the codependency, I'm thinking I'm always messing up.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: She just thinks so highly of me and knows how great I can be and was always pulling for me to be my best self.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it wasn't said with a spoonful of sugar.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it was just said outright.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And she's gonna hold me to that standard.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: My earliest stream of consciousness starts around four.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, my earliest memory is literally the moment my parents were breaking up, and so from that moment on, my perspective of my parents was always like conflict or some sort of situation where they're at odds in some way.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And because of the dynamic that I have with my dad, he always painted a very great picture of himself and a terrible picture of my mom.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And my mom didn't really like she didn't pay it no mind because she knew in her heart and in her mind, one day everything that is being said will expose itself and we will see the truth.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: So, growing up, um, I always thought like my mom was stern, you know, because they were just two completely stark different people.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: And in a way she was, but I think my perspective of her and my memory of her isn't actually how she was, but I was a kid, so you know, we kind of characterize people a little differently than how they might have actually been, and my lack of understanding because I'm like four, so walk with me.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: But my mom was a single mom raising two, then three kids, very independent, holding it down, dealing with a son who is growing up in a neighborhood that is not gentle to little black boys, and a daughter coming up right behind that.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my brother, he was on his own path, um, and he ran into some obstacles along the way, and I used to kind of look at that like I understand the best of my ability that I don't want to do that because of that codependency, and so I tried very hard in everything I did.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I always wanted to be the best and never be an issue for my mom.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Plus, at the same time, she's telling me how great I am and how essentially anything other than great was unacceptable because she knows I can achieve greatness.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like in school, I was told if it wasn't an A, it might as well be a F, you know, like it was always striving for greatness.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now I do recognize how that can show up and how that's played into my adulthood, and I've even talked to her about that as I've been through therapy, but like at the time, that's just how things were.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Then along came my little brother, and I'm in the middle, and I'm trying to be a great big sister for him, and kind of like an example for my older brother, in a way.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: I think I just put myself in a situation to where I was like a high achiever and I couldn't drop that ball.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I just always strive for more.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: I had to get the scholarship, I had to get the good grades.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think I ever got a phone call home from school.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I think there was only like one time a teacher put me out of a classroom, but he was a bitch.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I ain't gonna hold you.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: My Spanish teacher, Mr.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Campbell.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: If you see this, but like for the most part, I got good grades and I wasn't in trouble.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think the biggest thing was like from fourth grade to like seventh grade, grades kind of slipped.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but nothing crazy.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, history was just not my jam.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then in high school, chemistry.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: But again, that teacher was all this to say, I was on my job, right?
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm trying to show up, be the best person I can.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm her only daughter, so I'm under her wing for certain things that maybe my brother isn't, and I'm just trying to be the least amount of a problem that I can for her because I want her to not have the burden of me, like any issues with me, because I just love her, and I don't want to be another issue that she's up against.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's a particular closeness when you're the only girl that for other daughters who are the only girls to their mom can resonate with.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there are certain things that are collective memories with me and like my whole family, but I don't know, there's just certain pieces of childhood that only we could really understand.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I remember riding in the car with her, and we turn on like certain songs, and we open up that sunroof, baby.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: We love a sunroof to this day, a little sunroof moment.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: Open it up, turn that music up, singing songs.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: I remember just being in random moments of time with her and like looking at her and like wanting to just make her proud.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, me and my mom, there's just this connection that I can't really explain, but it's always kind of been there throughout this entire journey, especially now that I don't have a relationship with my dad.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know, it's just it's something that you have to know to know.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: But as I am moving through life, as I am getting athletic awards and recognition, as I'm getting academic awards and recognition, scholarships, I'm hitting accolades, I'm breaking records, I'm winning tournament MVPs and uh conference MVPs, and we're doing different things.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, she is right there.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, up until I met my wife, and I still think it might be a little neck and neck.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: My mom was my biggest fan.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my mom is my biggest fan, and because she is such a close to the chest type of person, I didn't really recognize.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: There was one day I was like, you never kept or keep any of my stuff, my drawings, my anything.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: Baby, that must have been the button.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Cause she proceeds to either the same day or the next time I saw her, go and take a big storage box full of everything I ever made and ever gave to her.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: And she kept everything, even the little, little like throwaway things that I was like, what the hell is this?
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Had it pristine condition.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, wow, like I didn't know you cared so much.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Cause again, I'm a kid and it's my perspective, and she's this like character in life, because I can't understand the interpersonal relationships aspect of it, and I didn't really do the work to understand like the different dynamics.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now that I am 32 and I understand, like at 32, my mom had three kids and was dealing with all the things she was dealing with.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: I have an understanding, I have a empathy, I have more grace with who she was.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: But when you're actively in it, or even still like early 20s or your teenagers, you aren't thinking about that.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you don't know any better.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, my mom is my biggest fan, and she was always pouring into me and instilling in me that I am great and I can really do anything that I put my mind to.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: There have been times in my adulthood where I'm like, I don't know if I can do this.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think?
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: And these are things I'm stressed about.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know how I'm gonna make this shake, I don't see it happening, like, and she's just like, you could do anything, and it's just so subtle, but it's really like I believe it because anytime she's ever told me that as a child, I wound up doing it.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, she really just makes me believe like I can do anything I want, and today, now my wife does as well, but she definitely was the one who got me started, and my granny.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: My granny used to always tell me I could do everything.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: It was like my grandma was both Virgos, but my granny is a softer Virgo, my mom is more Virgo, you know?
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: So as a kid, even if I didn't believe I could do it, I was like, I know I have to because I gotta make her proud and I don't want to let her down.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna make this happen.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: But on those moments where she wasn't stressed or dealing with my dad, because that'll have you stressed out.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you, she was warm, she was a safe place to be, and she was always consistent.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like I knew I could always go to her, I knew I could always find her in a tough time.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now, her capacity, she might be at capacity, but I knew she would be there.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: Even if she's mad, even if we're at odds.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: There was a time in college, it was Christmas break.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, it's a short little sidebar story.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Christmas break, mind you, I go home for three days, but I am a baby gay and I'm dealing with my ex.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: I go to see my ex, who is at the time 10 minutes away from school.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: I have to leave school, go home, which is about two hours away from school.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: I drive to see my ex in my mom's car, which is across the bridge, drive to see her on Christmas Eve, drive back at that night in my mom's car, use my mom's toll, then I go back to school the day after Christmas, right?
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: My mom finds out.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: She knows I had a car, she didn't know where I went, and um, she wasn't happy about it.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: And she showed up to my game and she was not talking to me.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: She hugged me, no more words, and I'm like, now, if this was someone else, if this was that other parent, this would have been a whole ordeal.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: But even in her disappointment for me, she still shows up, she still is there, even if it's on you, she she's gonna be there.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you please don't do this to me.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: And she wound up talking to me, but like that just goes to show you, like, no matter what, like, I know my mom's gonna be there.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: My mom missed one game in high school.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: One, and up to that point, that was the only one she missed, including the time I live with my dad.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my mom is a solid foundation, like I know she will always be there, and so even when things got tough or confusing, or maybe I didn't understand, I always led and believed in that as a kid, and that kept me going.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: So, fast forward, we're in middle school.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: Custody kid.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: I guess my dad finally won to where I was living with him.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to the middle school he wants me to go to.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in his care.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and now my mom is the weekend mom.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: But she was not.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: She's still buying clothes, she's still taking me to practice, she's still active.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just not sleeping at her house.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, she, nothing really changed.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, anything that I had, she was there for.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: Any games that I had, she was there for.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's just now I gotta take turns going back and forth to her house and my dad's house.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: But she didn't skip a beat.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: She it's kind of like nothing changed.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: I just was spending a lot more time at my dad's, which, baby, we we gonna get into that one day.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: Following middle school, I had more autonomy, and they're like, you get to choose who you want to live with.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, girl, it was rough over here.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go back home.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: I who knows how this is gonna go.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: But I remember my dad was trying to convince me with fear.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: And my mom was like, if you just trust me, like if you just trust that I have your best interests.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Heart, like I promise you, you will appreciate it, and that's all she had to say.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: My dad was a man of many words, a lot of empty threads.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's all she had to say.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, let's do it.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so I went back to live with my mom.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: I went to high school up in the area where we live, and she was right.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: I thrived.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's where I got my scholarship.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: My dad only cared about how things looked on paper.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: Well, let me not discredit him because he was trying to do what he thought was in my best interest at the time.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: But my mom saw a bigger picture.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that ultimately paid off.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: I had a great high school career.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: I made a lot of connections.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: I experienced a lot of life.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's very important before you get out into the world, because that would not have been the case if I would have gone to the school my dad wanted me to go to.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's very sheltered, it's very quiet, it's very private, and it's very white.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: No diversity.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: I went to the most second most diverse school district in the country.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my mom knew what she was doing, and she had a plan for basketball, and that paid off.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like she saw the play the entire time.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: And circling back to that point about her never really defending herself growing up against my dad and the things he would say to me to convince me that she was just this terrible person.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: We had one conversation.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'll never forget I was 17.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't even like dog my dad about things that happened.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: She just told her story, filled in the blank.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm talking about the whole way through.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: And that to me, like really unlocked and put the pieces together for me so well about who she really is and how deep her love for me is.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: That I'm like, oh, like I I see who you are.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: And like no one can ever sway me.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: You're not that person ever again.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: And from there, like our relationship like shifted in a positive way.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like we became more close.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's when we we became more like friends than parent child.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm also about to graduate and go to college, but that's when like we were locked in.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: But there is still one piece that I am holding back.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: I knew I was gay in the second grade.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: I think I've told this story before, but second grade, first person I liked was a little girl.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: And many of the people I liked after that were girls.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: Growing up, I tried to tell myself I was not gay because I didn't act on it.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: And my mom would ask me, like, do you like girls?
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, are you gay?
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: Are you gay?
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, no, no, I'm not.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so high school, like, I'm getting more into like a feminine bag, even like my first year of college.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: But I got to college after my freshman year, and I'm like, you know, let's see what this side is talking about.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: So even with that whole queerness, I'm still hiding it from my mom.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it wasn't until I came out to her, which y'all can go check out that episode.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: That whole episode goes into how I came out.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I was 20 years old because I was scared that maybe this would be the one thing she wouldn't love me for, even though she had inklings.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, goddamn, I went as Alan Iverson for Halloween two, three times.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't remember one time I dressed up as a female character or person for Halloween, you know, like I was giving three sons, you know, not two sons and a daughter.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: So when I came out to her, I remembered when she asked me if I was attracted to women, and I said, Yeah, her response being, why didn't you tell me?
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: It made me cry because I was expecting the worst.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: And the fact that it's just like this new part of me that she gets to love and she does love, was such a relief.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because I was so scared that I would lose her, but it really just made us closer.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she had questions to try to understand, but like it nothing changed.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, she didn't love me any less.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she didn't start acting weird towards me, like it was just this other part that I was hiding from her that I'm no longer hiding.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I got to be more of my full authentic self again.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: There is such a fear in disappointing the person who wants the most for you in life, even more than yourself, especially when that person is your black mother who loves you deeply, who loves you more than they love themselves, who sacrificed so much for your well-being.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: There is something that makes you want to swallow who you are if you feel that even a piece of you could disappoint them that I was willing to do forever.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: If she never confronted me, who knows?
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: I might still be acting like I got a man at the house.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: Who knows?
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like if I didn't know what was hanging in the balance and I knew that I could potentially lose that relationship, oh no, I would have took it with me to the grave.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: It would have had a like this is my roommate type situation.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm kidding.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: My I couldn't do that.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: My marriage is too strong and my relationship with my wife is too deep.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: But who knows when I would have came out, you know?
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: But she loved me openly, didn't judge me, didn't think she made a mistake because I'm gay, and nothing changed.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so that was such a blessing.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: I recognize that is not how a lot of parents do to their kids, unfortunately, especially when you're dealing with a child who changes their sexual identity, let alone who they're attracted to.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I had a double whammy, you know.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm non-binary and I'm married to a woman, you know, like that's a lot.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: I had top surgery, that's a lot.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: But my mom just always did her best to understand and educate herself.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: And when she fell short, she apologized, owned it, and tried to recorrect it.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: Changed my pronouns, changed my name, cut my hair.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: I did a lot.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: I did a lot.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: I really turned into my own person, and it was so different, but the same as who I've always been.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: Different on the outside, I'm still the same person inside.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_00: It was such a stark difference that it might be a lot to deal with, but here she is, right along my side, riding with me.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_00: But as much as I tried to quote unquote protect her from any difficulties or hardships that I dealt with, there was a point where I couldn't hide it anymore.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there were some things that happened in college, my near-death experience where I uh accidentally cut an artery and lost a lot of blood.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was bad.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: It was bad.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: I had to go on an ambulance, I had to go to the hospital.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um again, told her after the fact.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then once I graduated and entered the real world, um, my mental health started tanking and my alcoholism really picked up.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of the things that I dealt with, I didn't really tell her about, but it all came to a head, especially early 20s, mid-early 20s.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going through it.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: There have been times I've called her crying, like on the brink, down bad at my lowest, because I'm like, I don't know what to do.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: There have been times where it was a collective effort between my wife, my mom, and my best friends at the time to essentially metaphorically, like walk me back off the ledge, you know?
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so that's when things kind of started to shift a bit because I couldn't hide those hard parts anymore.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: And she got to show up for me in ways that I wasn't really used to because I was the one trying to do the protecting before.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it kind of made me want to like rush through healing so that I wouldn't be an issue because I don't want to put that on her.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and then I also have my wife who's right there helping me along with those things.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_00: And because I have my wife, it's like I am not gonna put this on you, mom, because I have my wife to help me through it.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: So that kind of um created this interesting dynamic where it put a little distance between us, but we had to just kind of learn how to navigate it.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and as things ebb and flow and things shift and change in life, my mom did a lot of personal growth over the past few years.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I was very present to see that growth, and it was amazing to see.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so I was really excited to show up for her in that way and feel like I was like giving back to her the things that she's given to me, um, on top of not calling her in distress and in tears all the time.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: So it was like an interesting shift.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: And now that we have moved, well, I have moved into a better mental health state.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: I am sober, I am taking care of myself, I am sustaining, like I'm married, like my life is taken care of in a sense.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I did what all parents want, and I gave her a situation to where she doesn't really have to worry about me.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: But even though there are things that I am good at and am taken care of on paper, that's my mom, you know?
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes you need your mom.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and because of what she understood, and because of how amazing of a partner I have, she knows I'm taken care of.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: But some things like I need her for.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: We never had that conversation, and it kind of created a like a gap in our relationship to where we didn't really talk for like a year.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the first time I am at odds with my mom, if you will say.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I remember it was very difficult.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_00: This was what last year?
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: Child time is blurred together.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: I think this was last year, where overlapping into 2024 through last year.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it was kind of like the perfect storm for misunderstanding and having your own perspective of things.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I will say, like when I brought the conversation to her, anything I've ever brought my mom, she's going to acknowledge, apologize, and correct every single time.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: And once we had the conversation, I understood her side, she understood mine.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's exactly what it was.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_00: It was acknowledged, apologized for, and corrected.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_00: And anything I've ever brought to her, it's been the same thing.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: There hasn't been one thing I can think of where she's deflected or been like, I didn't do that.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I know that's not the case for a lot of people.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: I know some moms who will deflect forever and not take any accountability, but not her.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if I'm like, this is what you've done and this is how it impacts me, most of the time she doesn't even know she did it because she has her own experience in it.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: But she always is like, I am sorry, like that was not my intention.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know it affected you this way.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then we never run into that thing again.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_00: Ever.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: There was a lot of stuff as I started therapy that was just coming up.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, remember these things that happened in childhood?
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_00: Remember how you always told me, like, if it wasn't A, it was an F.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_00: This is how it affected me.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I understand these things now because I'm in therapy and I'm connecting dots, and I see that this is actually a negative here, and I know you were trying your best, but this is how it affects me.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it was always, always, I'm sorry, always have my best interest at heart.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm extremely grateful to have a parent who is like that, even though that other one is the complete opposite.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_00: The fact that I have her who will always own her part and always do her best to make it right, it makes up for the lack on the other side.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so where we are today, me and my mom are cool.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think we are still understanding this new chapter because life is gonna be full of chapters and changes, and we're trying to understand this chapter more.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the relationship is growing in this new way.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_00: I get to watch her be a grandma, which is crazy to see because she is so gentle and so patient and so cheesy, dare I say, singing to Gracie's corner and taking care of the baby's fish, beta fish, and watching all the shows and all these things, it's such an amazing thing to see as a person who has seen all the sides of my mom, and I'm really like honored to get to see that because not everyone gets to see their parents become grandparents or put them in a situation to where they can become grandparents.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_00: But being an adult now and having this new relationship and understanding more about her and learning more about her as time goes on and hearing new stories and new experiences and things that I never heard, or maybe seeing old pictures that I never saw.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's really amazing to continue to paint this picture of who my mom truly is.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_00: Cause just when you think you know a person, they will surprise you with some new part or aspect or story or quirk or hidden talent that you had no clue they even had.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: My mom still continues to be, I'll say, one of my biggest fans.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_00: Cause my wife, you know, again, neck and neck.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she watches the show.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_00: She's gonna watch this.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_00: I think as I've grown, I continue to show her things about myself that she wasn't aware of.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure she will learn some things from this episode.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I love that we can still both learn so much about each other, and we get to do it while we're both still here.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_00: I know sometimes that comes after a person's gone, and I love that we get to learn and apply and create new memories in the present versus only having those memories to look back on.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_00: And admittedly, when I do certain topics, like I think of her and I'm like, oh Lord, my mama's gonna watch this.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_00: But like as part of my own healing and doing my own work of not telling myself I'm responsible for her feelings about my life.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: I try to be vulnerable because I know like this is to impact other people.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's also helpful for myself, but also it allows her an opportunity to get me or get to know me differently and get to know me better and understand different sides of me.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel like when she watches this, like she always learns something new on every episode.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_00: Even if it's something she might have already knew, she gets a new perspective or a new side or a new version that she wasn't privy to before.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_00: I really feel like honestly, her seeing me on this camera talking as much as I do in this professional setting, quote unquote, um, is probably like crazy for her to witness because she knows I am shy.
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like to be out in the open, seen in front of cameras, in the middle of nothing.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, catch me in the background, catch us in the background, off to the side, out the way.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: So the fact that I'm here front and center on your screen every week at 10 a.m.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_00: Pacific probably blows her mind.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_00: But I hope when she watches, she's in awe, she's proud, she enjoys it, and she gets to see something new every episode.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_00: I love my mom, I am proud of my mom.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_00: I am honestly amazed at the different versions she has been in her life, but also how true to herself she has stuck.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's the craziest thing.
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you can change so much, but also be the exact same person.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's wild, and I'm literally just like this is fascinating, but I love every version of her.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I have forgiven every version of her, even the ones who didn't understand, even the ones who may have had conflict with the younger version of me.
• 41:19
  SPEAKER_00: I am just excited.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_00: I still get to have a relationship with my mom, and I still get to see my mom and grow with my mom.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, I think the little version of me would be very happy to see that we are still doing so well, and would be surprised that things turned out this way to see who is really the favorite parent.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_00: So when you watch this, mother, text me, call me, uh, text me.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_00: I might be at work.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know you saw this.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_00: I know you will.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_00: There's no doubt in my mind.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_00: But just as like a little checkpoint, make sure you watch it all the way through.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_00: To all my fellow children of mothers, especially those black children of black mothers, that relationship does not have to be perfect to be one of the most significant relationships in your life.
• 42:18
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes mamas be tripping, sometimes mamas be off with their judgment, sometimes they project, sometimes they a little stress, sometimes they need to take a beat.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_00: I understand.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_00: But have a little grace, understand who they were, what they were dealing with when they were your age, you know, and this is this is to say if you have a relationship with your mother, because if you don't, for whatever reason, whatever reason, you gotta honor that.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because as a person who does not have a relationship with the parent, don't go against it if it does not honor you.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_00: But if you are in a relationship, in a good relationship with your mama, take a minute to really appreciate that.
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_00: Be grateful that she is around.
• 43:07
  SPEAKER_00: Be grateful you can call her if you can call her.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you can go see her, go see her, hug your mom, tell her you appreciate her, you love her.
• 43:18
  SPEAKER_00: Don't wait for her birthday, don't wait for Mother's Day.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, call her.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_00: Your mom is always gonna be excited and happy to hear from you.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_00: Even when you think you they don't want to be bothered, or even if you feel like maybe they might be overbearing, you are literally their baby.
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_00: They literally gave life to you.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_00: And although I'm not a parent, one thing I have heard consistently from parents is that love never never stops.
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_00: It don't matter how old you are.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_00: And to my fellow little queer babies out there, if you are in a relationship with your mother still and she loves you, that is such Beautiful thing.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_00: I really want you to take a moment to be grateful for that because crazy enough, there are some mothers where that is the hard line that they will draw on the sand when it comes to loving their child.
• 44:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I am grateful and thankful of those mothers out there who still love their children unconditionally with a gay ass.
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_00: And this goes for mother figures, chosen mothers, stepmothers, people that you know who are elder, women that you look up to like a mother.
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like this could be anyone who fits that specific dynamic.
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_00: Cause these people who grow with you, truly grow with you, are rare.
• 44:43
  SPEAKER_00: And you should honor that.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_00: So call your mama.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_00: Don't text her.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_00: Call her.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_00: FaceTime her.
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_00: Go see her.
• 44:49
  SPEAKER_00: Cause I'm sure she would absolutely love to see you.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, y'all.
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know what time it is?
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's time for I Say This With Love.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_00: Again, visit the tiny URL link if you would like to submit your situation for a chance to have it read during one of these episodes.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_00: I have a coworker who has decided that I am her personal emotional support.
• 45:14
  SPEAKER_00: Every single day at lunch, without fail, I hear about her boyfriend, her mom, how much she hates our boss, how much trauma she deals with, everything.
• 45:25
  SPEAKER_00: She's insufferable.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm about to start eating in my car, but I'm afraid she's gonna try and join me.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_00: I can't handle it much more much longer.
• 45:36
  SPEAKER_00: What should I do?
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_00: I say this with love.
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_00: You are dealing with an emotional vampire.
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_00: An emotional vampire is somebody who sucks all your energy and leaves you overwhelmed, stressed out, depleted.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_00: You got you one.
• 45:54
  SPEAKER_00: I had one at one of my jobs I worked at.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_00: Mind you, this job is already stressful as hell.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_00: But she is sitting up there every single day talking about the same things, and it is always in a negative light.
• 46:09
  SPEAKER_00: It got so bad coupled with this terrible environment that I'm working in that it literally depressed me.
• 46:18
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Oh no, I gotta separate myself from you because you're literally draining me.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_00: And we were cool, we talked every day before that.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_00: But at that point, like when she couldn't dump on me anymore, the relationship was gone.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then she got laid off.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Won't he do it?
• 46:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because it was literally draining me.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it sounds like you got you one of those.
• 46:41
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a couple ways in which you can go about this.
• 46:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can sever the tie.
• 46:45
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you sit next to homegirl, I sat next to her and I severed the tie.
• 46:50
  SPEAKER_00: You just gotta really not give her much.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_00: Stop asking them inquiring questions, them discovery questions, like really make the conversation dry to make sure she leaves you alone.
• 47:01
  SPEAKER_00: You can do that, or you can straight up tell her, like, girl, you are draining.
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_00: I went about it the like cut-off route.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_00: Cause we at work, girl, I don't owe you a goddamn thing.
• 47:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't have to put up with this, and I'm not about to make this a thing, because at the end of the day, I'm here to do my job, and you're making that worse.
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to leave me alone before I go to HR because you are pissing me off.
• 47:25
  SPEAKER_00: But you gotta you gotta nip this in the butt because it'll literally drag you down.
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like because you are her emotional support person at this point, because you're the one who's tolerating listening to the same thing over and over.
• 47:42
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people just really love to be miserable.
• 47:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you are talking about the same miserable, negative stuff, that's all your life's gonna be.
• 47:50
  SPEAKER_00: She's trying to drag you into it.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let her do that, because it'll drag you down right along with you.
• 47:57
  SPEAKER_00: Crabs in a bucket, and that's what you got here.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_00: So cut that off.
• 48:01
  SPEAKER_00: You can either do it silently or you can just be up front, but that's on you.
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's all for today's episode.
• 48:09
  SPEAKER_00: As a reminder, make sure y'all are following us on the socials, hitting us on the email, visiting the tiny URL link, and following us on Patreon if you can do so.
• 48:19
  SPEAKER_00: Go see your mama or call your mama, reach out to your mama, let her know that you love her.
• 48:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I appreciate y'all.
• 48:27
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, I'm RJ.
• 48:30
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Alive I Guest podcast, and I'll see y'all same time next week.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Alive Guess.
• 48:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'ma live I guess.
• 48:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'ma live I guess and okay.
• 48:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'ma live I guess.