Latest / Pod Therapy / #410: Feeling constant shame, Flirting with a Friend, Perfectionism

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#410: Feeling constant shame, Flirting with a Friend, Perfectionism · Pod Therapy

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: No, there's more to it. Okay, that was a pretty
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: big Yeah. Absolutely, we're an agreement that you can just
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: go into it or what Yeah, you walk.
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: In time God from fabulous Las Vegas, Novata. This is
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: pod therapy, real people, real problems, and real therapists. You
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: can submit your questions anonymously your pod therapy time, or
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: email a spot therapy guy in the gmail dot com.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: And I'm now broadcasting from the Nick and Jim's Swinger
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: Clubs Nick Nick Jim's Swing Club dot com.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: N nice Please they're opening up the internet right now
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: to find out if they're gonna have to because I
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: do not want this on my shirt? Did test by that?
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: I feel like?
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: Would I believe this was mister swan Roe? Believe well
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: Nick and Jim Swinger Club, Nick and Jim's two s's.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that goes somewhere.
• 1:02
  Speaker 3: There's a therapy.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Does it go to pot therapy? It goes to pot?
• 1:05
  Speaker 4: Oh?
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: Thank god? Okay, all right, that's fine for now.
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: That's amazing.
• 1:08
  Speaker 5: You need help one bullet. Listen to this therapy podcast. Well,
• 1:15
  Speaker 5: welcome everybody. As we get deeper into November. If you'd
• 1:19
  Speaker 5: like to hear about Nick's fun wedding with their producer
• 1:22
  Speaker 5: Ben Don Congratulations.
• 1:24
  Speaker 4: Ben.
• 1:25
  Speaker 5: You can go to patron dot com slash therapy. You
• 1:26
  Speaker 5: can hear all about the Lovely Tale, and uh, I
• 1:30
  Speaker 5: thought that was.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: Riveting and exciting. He made Indianapolis sound interesting, so.
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: Jim would think about it, but never.
• 1:37
  Speaker 5: Ghost honestly, exactly, I mean, there's just no way I
• 1:41
  Speaker 5: would ever go there.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: I resent Jim this week. I mean I have.
• 1:46
  Speaker 4: This week Jim is so you know, woe is me
• 1:51
  Speaker 4: about things that people listen to it. And on Discord
• 1:56
  Speaker 4: this week I was tagged in something and it was
• 2:00
  Speaker 4: is that that, Oh they felt bad that I was
• 2:03
  Speaker 4: so sarcastically encouraging good that people finally fucking turn people
• 2:09
  Speaker 4: on A person let him finish. A person said, talking
• 2:13
  Speaker 4: about a mutiny, guys, you need a mob to take
• 2:15
  Speaker 4: on John. I was not at all sarcastic, and continue
• 2:19
  Speaker 4: to not be sarcastic about your forty by forty.
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: To be honest, you looked very genuine. I mean I
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: was like, Okay, here.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: Hope against hope that you will complete your list.
• 2:30
  Speaker 4: You won't, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm aware that you won't,
• 2:35
  Speaker 4: but I really, like, I do believe big New Orleans
• 2:38
  Speaker 4: Saints fan. I really I would be so happy if
• 2:41
  Speaker 4: they won the Super Bowl this year.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: Not going to do it, right, I agree with you.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: There was not a moment that I thought you were
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: being sarcastic.
• 2:49
  Speaker 4: I would be thrilled. Yes, and I want the audience
• 2:52
  Speaker 4: to know this. I would be you're putting your hand
• 2:53
  Speaker 4: on a Bible. I carry this around, Okay in the
• 2:57
  Speaker 4: case of this, just in case, I would be thrilled
• 2:59
  Speaker 4: of Jim.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: Completed his list.
• 3:01
  Speaker 4: Wow. I also am positive that he won't do any
• 3:05
  Speaker 4: more than he already has.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: Almost did one.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: He's got twenty days left. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I'm
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: confident now is a bad time to start. I'll have
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: you both know, all three of you actually and still
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: hasn't done one.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: That's what he's about.
• 3:21
  Speaker 4: The story that is about to tell us is he
• 3:24
  Speaker 4: almost did one but still hasn't.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: That's how change happens. Jacob, Okay, yes, start almost think
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: about it. So I almost went on the Colorado River.
• 3:34
  Speaker 5: Barely happened on my list is go kayaking on the Colorado,
• 3:38
  Speaker 5: and I looked up doing it this weekend.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: But it turns out you got to get there at
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: six am.
• 3:42
  Speaker 5: Yes, Like what the fuck's going to be there at noon?
• 3:45
  Speaker 5: Why the fuck are we doing this at six am?
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: Because that's how long it takes you car, No.
• 3:50
  Speaker 3: That's how long it takes you to get down that river.
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: From doing it twice, I had to wait about four
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: am both times.
• 3:55
  Speaker 5: Do that's stupid because like it's a long drive's hold job,
• 3:59
  Speaker 5: Like at one drop point they leave.
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: At like seven am from so I don't know how.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: I feel about that.
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  Speaker 5: I also would acknowledge that the Colorado is like me, right,
• 4:10
  Speaker 5: because that's the same one, And I would argue that
• 4:12
  Speaker 5: that water also comes out of our spigots. I've basically
• 4:17
  Speaker 5: swam in the Colorado by swimming in any pool, and
• 4:20
  Speaker 5: that I think almost takes.
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: That wait, was it swimmer?
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: I mean by that rationale, you're also an astronaut. Thank you.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: I think, first off, I'm really glad you're finding.
• 4:33
  Speaker 5: I've been saying O years and you're acknowledging it. So
• 4:39
  Speaker 5: I almost did that. And then there was another thing. Yeah,
• 4:42
  Speaker 5: so I'm thinking about.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: Even almost doing doing it.
• 4:46
  Speaker 4: I looked almost doing it is driving to the drive
• 4:50
  Speaker 4: and then like getting an emergency called that calls you
• 4:54
  Speaker 4: away from doing it.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: Let's just say that that's what happened.
• 4:56
  Speaker 5: Let's say that I was called an emergencyness to not
• 5:01
  Speaker 5: go in the river.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: There's another one on there too. Still nobody else's still
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: just just.
• 5:06
  Speaker 5: As I'm getting closer to my birthday, I have not
• 5:08
  Speaker 5: made any plans yet, and so I'm like just staring
• 5:12
  Speaker 5: at this like a birthday.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: I have no idea what I'm going to do. So
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: I looked up flights to other countries.
• 5:20
  Speaker 4: Okay during that which country already shaking her head for
• 5:25
  Speaker 4: the record.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: So I looked up several. One was Hawaii, and then.
• 5:30
  Speaker 4: I also a different country as well, Jesus Country. It's
• 5:35
  Speaker 4: really far away. It's practically Japan. It's something that several
• 5:38
  Speaker 4: of them are not happy about. For that matter, it
• 5:41
  Speaker 4: is as much another country as Indianapolis's.
• 5:44
  Speaker 3: Can I scare you away from Hawaii.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: From yeah volcano?
• 5:47
  Speaker 3: No? Yeah, that too, if you're scared of volcanos.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: No.
• 5:52
  Speaker 3: A friend of mine is a pilot, and he just
• 5:54
  Speaker 3: told me the other day that the flight from like
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: La to Hawaii is the longest stretch in the air
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: without somewhere to stop.
• 6:01
  Speaker 5: That's no, that's one hundred percent what talk me out
• 6:04
  Speaker 5: of it. So, like I looked into it. I looked
• 6:05
  Speaker 5: into like how many hours it was going to be and.
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: It was hours.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: Whoa. And then I pulled up like Google Earth and
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: I was like, dude.
• 6:11
  Speaker 5: Fuck this, like you are this is stupid. So then
• 6:16
  Speaker 5: I didn't do that. So then I looked at London,
• 6:21
  Speaker 5: which you know that looked interesting. Is that in Texas
• 6:25
  Speaker 5: way further than so well okay, so like I, I
• 6:29
  Speaker 5: legit looked at London and it was a very good
• 6:32
  Speaker 5: It was six hundred dollars round.
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: Whoa, that's very cheap.
• 6:39
  Speaker 5: I don't know, probably definitely, So six hundred dollars round trip.
• 6:43
  Speaker 5: And it's going during the time like the week of
• 6:45
  Speaker 5: my birthday, which apparently is pretty cheap, I guess because
• 6:47
  Speaker 5: it's like like.
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: Right before Christmas and after things, no one's going anywhere.
• 6:51
  Speaker 5: I was like, all right, maybe I'll do something like this.
• 6:53
  Speaker 5: So I talked to my buddy Eddie, and Eddie's like
• 6:54
  Speaker 5: the time of year that.
• 6:55
  Speaker 4: I really remember that my birthday is closer to Christmas
• 6:58
  Speaker 4: than Gym's.
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  Speaker 1: Birthdays is like halfway through you can probably travel. It's
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: just so much better.
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  Speaker 5: So Eddie's like, dude, if you want to go to London,
• 7:05
  Speaker 5: let's fucking go. And so I'm like all right, and
• 7:07
  Speaker 5: so like I'm thinking about it pretty hard. And then
• 7:09
  Speaker 5: I get on YouTube and I watched this video that's like,
• 7:12
  Speaker 5: Welcome to London, Let's take a tour of London. And
• 7:15
  Speaker 5: I was like, oh, this will be good because then
• 7:16
  Speaker 5: after the end of that, I'll know if I want
• 7:17
  Speaker 5: to go to London. But at the end of it,
• 7:18
  Speaker 5: I was like, I feel like I just went to London.
• 7:20
  Speaker 3: I knew you're gonna like going to London.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, stories about being in London.
• 7:25
  Speaker 5: She showed camera footage and I was like, all right,
• 7:26
  Speaker 5: so I feel like, what am I going to fly
• 7:29
  Speaker 5: there for?
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: No, I saw London. Apparently there's a watch Mary Poppins.
• 7:34
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 7:34
  Speaker 5: Yeah, essentially, there's an old tall clock and there's like
• 7:39
  Speaker 5: a lot of trains. I think there were underground. I
• 7:42
  Speaker 5: don't know, but yeah, So I was kind of like
• 7:44
  Speaker 5: underwhelmed with that. And I looked at Berlin because I
• 7:47
  Speaker 5: was like, I'd like to go to Germany because I
• 7:49
  Speaker 5: want to go to a beer hall or beer garden.
• 7:52
  Speaker 5: I want to do that, and but that one's really far.
• 7:55
  Speaker 5: Turns out Germany's really far.
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: I was just gonna say you're getting further.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 7:59
  Speaker 5: So again I did the whole mapping it out thing,
• 8:01
  Speaker 5: and I was like, dude, fuck this that is such
• 8:03
  Speaker 5: a long flight and I don't really want to go
• 8:05
  Speaker 5: to other places.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: So like I was like, all right, so why is
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: a great answer. I feel like it is. The only
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: is Cabo San Lucas.
• 8:12
  Speaker 5: Yeah, go there, which is in the same time zone,
• 8:15
  Speaker 5: and it's like only a four hour flight.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: So I guess it was there. That's what I'm thinking exactly.
• 8:21
  Speaker 5: Like I looked up and it's like eighty five degrees
• 8:22
  Speaker 5: Like okay, yeah, this is probably what I want to do.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: But dude, Mexico is like dangerous man like the US. Yeah,
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: waya in Mexico won't be able to get back. That's
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: what I'm thinking. That's exact. Yeah, So like I don't know, dude.
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: You have a pass?
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: I do?
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: Wow?
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: Why?
• 8:42
  Speaker 4: Yeah?
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I got it during COVID surprised.
• 8:44
  Speaker 4: I was scared.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: But yeah, so I still haven't decided what I'm going
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: to do, but I think I've put in it. I
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: left the country. I've left actually twice, I think, yeah twice.
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: Where did you go?
• 8:59
  Speaker 5: So when I was sixteen, we drove to Tijuana from
• 9:02
  Speaker 5: San Diego a passport that was back when you just
• 9:06
  Speaker 5: hop over.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: That's coolcuse I did that for a couple hours. And
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: then when I was.
• 9:11
  Speaker 5: In high school, I took a school field trip kind of.
• 9:15
  Speaker 5: It was like a sponsored by the school trip to Italy.
• 9:18
  Speaker 5: So I spent several two weeks, I think, going to
• 9:21
  Speaker 5: Italy and Greece and the Mediterranean Aisles. So I've seen
• 9:25
  Speaker 5: the world. I'm underwhelmed. I'm underwhelmed. And I'll tell you
• 9:29
  Speaker 5: the number one thing that the rest of the world.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Greece no over the course I've seen ancient a teenager,
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: I really appreciate everything.
• 9:39
  Speaker 5: Well, I'll tell you what fucking ruined it for me.
• 9:41
  Speaker 5: The toilet situation is a problem guys the rest of
• 9:45
  Speaker 5: the world. I don't know how you guys are shitting,
• 9:46
  Speaker 5: but it is not the American way, all right, we
• 9:48
  Speaker 5: live better here. They do not have good toilets out
• 9:51
  Speaker 5: there and have good bathrooms. Actually, it's a solid point,
• 9:56
  Speaker 5: get your shitters under control. Like I just that's a
• 9:59
  Speaker 5: very basic thing. Everybody's gonna need to take it down
• 10:01
  Speaker 5: whenever you're in Europe.
• 10:03
  Speaker 4: That night, Whitney, did you have problems when you went
• 10:06
  Speaker 4: to Europe.
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: Nowhere when I was in was this Italy or when
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: we were in Portugal, they didn't have toilet seats, Like.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: Oh you know what I mean? Yeah, you Kidney, the
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: woman that's.
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: Not very fun.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like Whitney wouldn't hover. I feel like
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: Whitney's more of a perture. I feel like she would gargoyle. Yeah,
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: I'm having trouble picture like Whitney just gargoyles. Gargoyles like
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: a lady to be fair.
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: When we were in Southeast in Southeast Asia, though, we
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: definitely used the squatty pot like squatty in the ground potties.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: This is the I was like what.
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: I was like, there's just a whole two little shoeprint
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: areas where they're like, all right, just plant your little
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: feet there and go for it.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: I was like, wow, I've never had to use those.
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: That's the only time was like a few places.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: That's why.
• 11:03
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I feel like we get to poop in a
• 11:06
  Speaker 5: volcano in Hawaii, which it actually that's kind of cool.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: Yes, that is how it's exactly goes right into the bat
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: so you don't even need to go because now you
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: have a perfect understand Hawaii works. Yep.
• 11:17
  Speaker 5: So I've thought about a lot of things, thank you,
• 11:19
  Speaker 5: but I have not quite pulled the trigger.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: Do you think you'll.
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: Get one more before your birthday? Like one?
• 11:25
  Speaker 5: I was actually looking at the list the other day
• 11:27
  Speaker 5: and like, I do I feel like I'll get maybe
• 11:30
  Speaker 5: one or I don't or.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: All of them.
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: You could get like three by just going to eat anywhere,
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: like three meals.
• 11:35
  Speaker 4: I mean, honestly, what what?
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: I just went to an Indian food place like a.
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: Buffet, like I don't know, might have all those options.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: If this were like a Vegas bet that that we
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: could do. What do you think of Jim actually leaving
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: the country before or even the month of his birthday?
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: Oh?
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: What are we talking? Like one thousand to one odds?
• 12:00
  Speaker 4: No, No, it would be a number that would be
• 12:04
  Speaker 4: so silly that no sports book would post.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: I could do a painting. It would be too much liability.
• 12:09
  Speaker 4: You could, but you could.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: That's so high on there.
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: I was like, I just need to do that, need
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: light and fire, and I want.
• 12:24
  Speaker 5: To go do snow skiing, but there's no snow on
• 12:26
  Speaker 5: Mount Charleston, So I feel like I should be excused.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: From that one.
• 12:30
  Speaker 4: I think that's nobody else Global warmings. Not nobody else
• 12:35
  Speaker 4: made the list.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: Uh see a rocket launch and there's no way that's
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: it's gonna happen. Snorkeling. It's too cold right now. I
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: don't want to get in the water. That the same
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: go to the Persons city. It's such a fucking drive.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: I don't know about that. Play a round of golf.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: I did that today. I did that day one and
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: I won both of them. The popst place it down,
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: square shut up. I won both of those. Do we
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: have any questions?
• 13:04
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I guess I'd rather hear morrible things that are
• 13:07
  Speaker 4: happening to our listeners that listen to talk about dot
• 13:10
  Speaker 4: com slash therapy. You can root for your old boy, Jim.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: We got a bunch of questions today.
• 13:17
  Speaker 4: The order one half of one more thing before the
• 13:19
  Speaker 4: birthday happened.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: It can happen. I believe in Jim.
• 13:22
  Speaker 3: He's like I drove by the restaurant.
• 13:24
  Speaker 4: I just golf.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: That's got to count for something. It doesn't.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: I'm going to manature rounds count I actually, uh as
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: far as like a gift for your birthday, Okay, I
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: went online and looked at something porn almost almost that's
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: where it starts, though, that's that's how change begins.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: I did look at poor that there were many happy returns.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: This one's for Jim. That's why I yell every time.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: That's the only way I can finish. I can finish.
• 14:09
  Speaker 4: I don't.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: This is America. I just think of people who this
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: is their first episode. What the fuck they've turned off?
• 14:20
  Speaker 5: All right, so we're a question and answer show and
• 14:23
  Speaker 5: we've got some questions. The first one is always feel
• 14:27
  Speaker 5: that I've done something wrong. Hey, pod therap presenters and
• 14:31
  Speaker 5: happy Halloween ish time. I don't know if there's a
• 14:35
  Speaker 5: proper term for this, but I've realized recently that I,
• 14:38
  Speaker 5: thirty year old male, always feel like I'm about to
• 14:41
  Speaker 5: get in trouble for having done something wrong.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: The best way I can describe.
• 14:45
  Speaker 5: It is that it feels like when a police car
• 14:48
  Speaker 5: is driving directly behind you, and even though you haven't
• 14:52
  Speaker 5: done anything wrong, there's still that anxiety that at any moment,
• 14:55
  Speaker 5: those lights will flash and they go into gatcha mode.
• 14:59
  Speaker 5: It feels like at almost all the time for me.
• 15:02
  Speaker 5: I'm sure it probably has something to do with how
• 15:04
  Speaker 5: I was raised. While my parents were never abusive or anything.
• 15:08
  Speaker 5: When I was around ten or eleven, they noticed I'd
• 15:10
  Speaker 5: become addicted to World of Warcraft and forbid me from
• 15:14
  Speaker 5: playing it. I very quickly discovered ways to pay for
• 15:17
  Speaker 5: the monthly subscription without a credit card by buying game
• 15:20
  Speaker 5: time cards with the cash i'd saved up, and continued
• 15:23
  Speaker 5: playing it in secret for years after. The vast majority
• 15:26
  Speaker 5: of my free time was spent playing the game with
• 15:28
  Speaker 5: the sound off and a direct line of sight down
• 15:31
  Speaker 5: the hall, constantly look out if anyone was coming towards
• 15:34
  Speaker 5: me so I could quickly hide the evidence. Looking back now,
• 15:37
  Speaker 5: I can only assume they must have thought I was
• 15:39
  Speaker 5: looking up born, because most of the time they entered
• 15:43
  Speaker 5: my room, they'd find me at my computer with the
• 15:45
  Speaker 5: blank Google or YouTube paid je acting nonchalant. They were like,
• 15:52
  Speaker 5: good boy, I've noticed recently, Hey boy, it'd be a
• 16:02
  Speaker 5: good patron.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: I've noticed recently.
• 16:04
  Speaker 5: It seems tied to me generally not wanting to be
• 16:07
  Speaker 5: seen or heard and avoiding attention wherever I go, and
• 16:11
  Speaker 5: feeling like I'm not supposed to be places. An example
• 16:14
  Speaker 5: of this was that I noticed I felt out of
• 16:16
  Speaker 5: place slash exposed when picking up food from a restaurant
• 16:19
  Speaker 5: I'd never been in and felt like I was somehow
• 16:21
  Speaker 5: breaking a rule by being there. The world feels like
• 16:24
  Speaker 5: a chaotic and turbulent river, and while others seem to
• 16:27
  Speaker 5: be able to navigate it, I'm just a little crab
• 16:30
  Speaker 5: looking for a safe nook to hide in. Anyway, I
• 16:33
  Speaker 5: wanted to ask if this sounds like anything you've come
• 16:35
  Speaker 5: across in previous clients, and if so, any advice on
• 16:39
  Speaker 5: how I can work through it. I hope that all
• 16:42
  Speaker 5: made sense. Thank you for reading, and know that when
• 16:45
  Speaker 5: I hear my questions read aloud on the podcast, I
• 16:48
  Speaker 5: can't help but cringe because of this phenomenon. Nothing to
• 16:51
  Speaker 5: do with your reading, Jim.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: Best anxious agoraphobe. In Austin, pronouns are he.
• 16:57
  Speaker 4: And him lie. So what you're saying just is that
• 17:00
  Speaker 4: Jim's reading also is not good enough to fix the
• 17:03
  Speaker 4: problem either.
• 17:04
  Speaker 5: That's what It's a good thing to Probably the right
• 17:08
  Speaker 5: way to interpret this is a real feeling that the
• 17:11
  Speaker 5: police car thing is a real thing.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: You guys feel that right whenever you're on the.
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: Cost behind Immediately it's like, shut up, you've never got
• 17:17
  Speaker 3: a ticket in your That's true.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: You don't know what we're talking about your privileged girl.
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: I just waved to them.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: I'm like, hey, what's up, boy, that's what she does,
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: just a cute female. She like, yeah, blairs through a
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: fucking school zone. Kids are flying out the windshield. You
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: don't give a ship wipers on. I'm not going to
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: finish this beer. If you want anyone, Oh no, thanks, ma'am.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: I don't like I pas now, so yourself, baby.
• 17:46
  Speaker 3: Like you guys get tickets for that.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: That's on the other half. Liy, can I play with
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: the sirens anyway?
• 18:00
  Speaker 5: That's a real feeling, right, y'all know what I'm talking about. Yes,
• 18:02
  Speaker 5: And you're behind like you see the cop behind you,
• 18:04
  Speaker 5: and you're like, this is it. I'm fucked.
• 18:06
  Speaker 3: You'll always like put on the brakes even though you're
• 18:08
  Speaker 3: going to speed break, Like when you see them there
• 18:13
  Speaker 3: and you're like, I know I'm going to speed I've
• 18:15
  Speaker 3: been watching my speed limit. And then you see when
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: you immediately like put your brakes on, You're like, wait,
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: I'm already going the speed limit. It's fine. I don't
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: have to slow down anymore.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: I mean, says anxious a gore fobe from in Austin.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: But I'm kind of wondering if you grew up in
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: the Midwest, I.
• 18:31
  Speaker 3: Worry from the Midwest.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: Yes, because it's very it can relate. Yeah, I can
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: absolutely relate to a lot of this because that's you know,
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: that's what you're taught at a very young age.
• 18:41
  Speaker 3: I agree. It's funny because literally just the other day,
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: Peter was telling me this story about when him and
• 18:49
  Speaker 3: his brothers, like their parents would leave to like go
• 18:51
  Speaker 3: to I don't know, into town. They live so far
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: outside of town. Him and his brother would immediately jump
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: on like their video games and play that while they're gone,
• 18:58
  Speaker 3: because they were so limited to two hours a week
• 19:01
  Speaker 3: or something like that to play video games, like something
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: very small. And so when they leave to go like
• 19:05
  Speaker 3: into town, they'd play their video games and they'd watch
• 19:07
  Speaker 3: for them coming up to drive. And I was just thinking, like,
• 19:13
  Speaker 3: his youngest brother's like eleven years younger than him, so
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: I'm sure he got the ship job of keeping the
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: look out, like hey, watch.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: Out, but like this, did the parents come in and
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: then like Field and Nintendo? Yeah, Storm, Okay.
• 19:28
  Speaker 3: Because my theory and you joke about like or you know,
• 19:33
  Speaker 3: the writer jokes about, oh, my parents probably thought I
• 19:35
  Speaker 3: was watching porn because my screen was like blank every
• 19:37
  Speaker 3: time they walked in. I feel like parents live in
• 19:41
  Speaker 3: denial and they do not think that they walk in like,
• 19:44
  Speaker 3: oh good, he's just like a little sweety pie, like
• 19:47
  Speaker 3: I think.
• 19:48
  Speaker 4: And TV shows you think, what this happens to you,
• 19:50
  Speaker 4: Jim when whenever people walk in the house and have
• 19:52
  Speaker 4: been furiously mastered. When you walk up to the kids
• 19:54
  Speaker 4: and they have like the YouTube, the like YouTube homepage
• 19:59
  Speaker 4: definitely been looking porn man, like you had the speakers on.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: I heard it. I think that my position is this
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: is none of my business and walk out. You're screen
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: sharing to the living group.
• 20:11
  Speaker 5: Hey man, I need you to disconnect from the chrome
• 20:13
  Speaker 5: cast if you could really trying to finish and at
• 20:20
  Speaker 5: least a fucking rewinding.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: Sure the sound is not matching up. It's driving It's
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: all crazy, I mean, or you know, switch genres, Jesus.
• 20:36
  Speaker 4: I saw a story I watching videos of people sitting
• 20:39
  Speaker 4: on pies as much as anybody. I saw a.
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: Story on Reddit where there was a tough person who
• 20:47
  Speaker 3: was watching porn and they did not realize the volumes.
• 20:51
  Speaker 3: Just walk out and his fam is like, dude, we
• 20:53
  Speaker 3: could hear it, like that's great, But I just think
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: that is like I don't know it was the Midwest.
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: So yeah, there's this over lying like, hey, we're watching you.
• 21:06
  Speaker 3: We're really disappointed if you're not following the rules. And
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: I don't know exactly what your home life was like,
• 21:11
  Speaker 3: but there's almost like that undertone. They're not going to
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: yell and scream at your beat you. They're just like
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: what are you doing? It's like that silent like how
• 21:20
  Speaker 3: dare you?
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: Like God?
• 21:22
  Speaker 3: And for at least Peter, and I think a lot
• 21:24
  Speaker 3: of people in the Midwest or the South, it's a
• 21:26
  Speaker 3: lot of like, well, like God's always watching you.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: There's like that's to I don't know if you'll relate
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: to this at all.
• 21:33
  Speaker 5: Actually, I think I might be the only person in
• 21:35
  Speaker 5: the room. That's how many of you are the oldest
• 21:37
  Speaker 5: child in your families? Whitney, you are, Yeah, you're the
• 21:39
  Speaker 5: oldest child. I don't know if that was your experience
• 21:42
  Speaker 5: at all.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: I met your brother.
• 21:49
  Speaker 5: I don't know how many years younger your siblings were,
• 21:51
  Speaker 5: But like I feel like sometimes there's that like oldest
• 21:54
  Speaker 5: child responsibilities thing of like we're disappointed in you.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: We expect you to be the one that we don't.
• 21:58
  Speaker 5: Have to correct, you've got to watch over the others,
• 22:01
  Speaker 5: and like, yeah, there's just like a lot of ominous
• 22:05
  Speaker 5: like expectation, and there's sense of like I don't want
• 22:07
  Speaker 5: to let anybody down, and like a lot of times
• 22:09
  Speaker 5: the oldest child turns out to be like one who
• 22:11
  Speaker 5: just follows rules, yes, right, Like the baby one I
• 22:14
  Speaker 5: think is the one that's like breaks rules, you know whatever.
• 22:16
  Speaker 5: But like there's just this like they believe in the system,
• 22:19
  Speaker 5: like the invisible agreement of rules and the sense of
• 22:23
  Speaker 5: like I don't want to break them. And you're like
• 22:25
  Speaker 5: they'll do that in school, they'll do that in their
• 22:27
  Speaker 5: family life.
• 22:27
  Speaker 3: And yeah, this and like I'm a shitty person. It
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: like it is tied to who you are as a
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: person if you mess up, rather than right, Oh I
• 22:34
  Speaker 3: just made a mistake and messed up. That doesn't mean
• 22:36
  Speaker 3: I'm a bad person.
• 22:37
  Speaker 5: Yeah, it's very different, you know, And like it is
• 22:39
  Speaker 5: this internalized character thing of like I knew better, I
• 22:43
  Speaker 5: let everybody down, like and it sticks to you a
• 22:46
  Speaker 5: little bit deeper.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: And I don't know, I don't know.
• 22:48
  Speaker 5: If that's like an oldest child phenomenon or not. I mean,
• 22:50
  Speaker 5: Adler believed that he had the birth order concept and
• 22:53
  Speaker 5: he said the first child was like the golden child,
• 22:55
  Speaker 5: and like they had all this kind of like ominous
• 22:57
  Speaker 5: moral like you know, weight upon them, and he kind
• 23:00
  Speaker 5: of had like this different kind of stereotypes that he's
• 23:02
  Speaker 5: all for all of them. But yeah, that's an interesting
• 23:04
  Speaker 5: piece of it too. But the Midwest thing I think
• 23:06
  Speaker 5: is an important part of this.
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: Well, I think part of it too is like just
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: uh maybe even like a I don't want to say
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: a lack of confidence, but you know, because for me,
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: I can relate to a lot of this not in
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: the sense that like I feel like I'm doing something wrong,
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: but that maybe I made a mistake and I didn't
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: realize I was doing.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: I think that's a bigger piece of it, at least
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: for me.
• 23:30
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's like, you know, if the cops coming
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: up behind me, Oh shit, you know, did I accidentally
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: do something?
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: Is my tail line?
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: Now?
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah? What what did I screw up?
• 23:42
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: How did I How did I.
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: Fuck up to cause this drifter's coat still sticking out
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: of the truck, you know. And it's like that when
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: I you know, when I travel too, if I'm in
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: another man I'm very self conscious of like social full pause, Okay,
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: Like if I'm in another culture, like oh, did the
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: thing that I did was that considered rude?
• 24:02
  Speaker 4: I really wouldn't want to be.
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: Reason I don't want to travel because it's like, oh,
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, did I ship in the hole in the
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: ground and the incorrect angle.
• 24:16
  Speaker 4: I don't want to do is in the wrong hole? Yeah?
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, wow, I would be so humiliated hole corn a
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: centuries that we should move one of those holes.
• 24:36
  Speaker 5: But no, this is a really good question, like you
• 24:38
  Speaker 5: know what what anonymously anxious agoraphobic in austin this sense
• 24:43
  Speaker 5: of like constantly being on pins and needles, with this
• 24:46
  Speaker 5: fear of like somehow I've made a mistake or I
• 24:51
  Speaker 5: haven't caught onto something. Even being in a restaurant and
• 24:54
  Speaker 5: feeling odd because it's like should I be here?
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: Am I? Am I doing something wrong? That is a
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: really interesting almost.
• 25:00
  Speaker 3: Like making up stories about things going on around you too.
• 25:03
  Speaker 5: Yeah, there's a lot of like mind reading going on,
• 25:05
  Speaker 5: Like if we were going to name like cognitive distortions.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's a big part of this too, absolutely.
• 25:11
  Speaker 5: Which you know, one just off the t kind of thing. Writer,
• 25:14
  Speaker 5: I mean looking into cognitive behavioral therapy and maybe getting
• 25:17
  Speaker 5: a workbook on that and doing some like self reflection
• 25:20
  Speaker 5: exercises I think would be really helpful because some of
• 25:22
  Speaker 5: this does sound like pretty classic cognitive distortions, and like
• 25:25
  Speaker 5: some of that self reflection exercise is really helpful where
• 25:28
  Speaker 5: you kind of like untangle that nod and go okay,
• 25:30
  Speaker 5: hold on, you know, like let me challenge some of
• 25:32
  Speaker 5: these conclusions I have. Let me take this thought to court,
• 25:34
  Speaker 5: and doing that kind of deeper introspection might start to
• 25:37
  Speaker 5: break you of like that conclusion. But the fact that
• 25:40
  Speaker 5: it's just like ever present with this person all the
• 25:42
  Speaker 5: time is it's exhausting. Man, That's going to be really hard.
• 25:46
  Speaker 3: That is really exhausting. I am. I want to say,
• 25:49
  Speaker 3: I'm really proud of you for writing in those still
• 25:52
  Speaker 3: because it sounds like that stresses you out and you
• 25:54
  Speaker 3: still do it. It's kind of like overcoming fears and challenges,
• 25:57
  Speaker 3: and that can be really different when something feels like
• 26:01
  Speaker 3: it has a grip on on your mind constantly, like
• 26:04
  Speaker 3: constantly worrying about am I doing something wrong? Is this
• 26:07
  Speaker 3: right or wrong? And then hearing yeah, your letter read
• 26:09
  Speaker 3: out like oh I should have worded it different I
• 26:11
  Speaker 3: should have said, so it's like, no, you just see
• 26:13
  Speaker 3: through it out there, we'll figure it out.
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: I've had to practice like repeating things in my head,
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: like self like affirmations, you know, like if I'm in
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: a situation like the writer talks about, like going to
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: pick up food at a restaurant. Now you're like, oh,
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: what if am I supposed to be here? What if
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: I'm doing this wrong or something like that, To just
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: have this effort to be able to catch that thought
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: immediately and then just be able to reaffirm like, no,
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: I can be here.
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah right, I'm doing I'm elementary school, no matter said,
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: I'm to legally allowed to be here. I'm making balloon
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: animals for everybody. I am two hundred and one feet.
• 26:55
  Speaker 4: That's right.
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: Uh no at the and he is free to be
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: able to just say like no, I'm I'm okay, I'm
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: you know this, I'm allowed to be here.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: I'm not hurting anybody.
• 27:09
  Speaker 5: My version of that is always after the fact, So
• 27:12
  Speaker 5: like after a social engagement like scoops is a great
• 27:14
  Speaker 5: example of this. After I'll go be among people and
• 27:17
  Speaker 5: do things, the whole afterward is my brain going, oh,
• 27:21
  Speaker 5: my god, you fucked up a million different ways, running
• 27:25
  Speaker 5: back over every conversation, every engagement like that was embarrassing.
• 27:29
  Speaker 5: You did that, You probably offended that person, like you
• 27:31
  Speaker 5: were off base on that, Like you thought that was funny,
• 27:34
  Speaker 5: It probably wasn't funny or whatever. Just like my brain
• 27:36
  Speaker 5: telling the last one's probably true, that's probably off Yeah,
• 27:38
  Speaker 5: that's probably true.
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: But yeah, like in a moment your feelings. Thanks buddy.
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: I love the support, so supportive lately.
• 27:47
  Speaker 4: Just you know, that's the.
• 27:53
  Speaker 5: Cruelest thing Jacob could ever do, is take the position
• 27:56
  Speaker 5: of like, you know, man, your thoughts are probably right.
• 28:00
  Speaker 5: I just feel like you don't listen to your inner voice. Man,
• 28:02
  Speaker 5: believe believe in yourself. And what I mean by believe
• 28:05
  Speaker 5: in yourself is believe yourself. Oh my god, that part
• 28:09
  Speaker 5: of all of that anxiousness, it's real.
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: Probably yourself. Don't doubt yourself, Jim. That's just the cruelest
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: ship ef It's so evil.
• 28:23
  Speaker 4: Like you know how you leave your house, everybody about
• 28:25
  Speaker 4: your children, always listen. They are more vulnerable without you there.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: That's right. An asteroid could just fall Jesus, that happens
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: all the time, all the time. Believe you yourself.
• 28:40
  Speaker 5: But no, I relate to the writer, and that leave
• 28:42
  Speaker 5: Jim not not the I was actually talking about welcome
• 28:45
  Speaker 5: first time listeners. I was as I was winning my
• 28:47
  Speaker 5: golf game today, I was sharing that a friend of
• 28:50
  Speaker 5: mine uses the believe women bit completely like randomly.
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: And then just bro, I do that. That was you.
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: That's who I was referencing. No, I've agree, I do
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: that constantly. It's a great bit. Says anything yes hashtag
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: believe women.
• 29:08
  Speaker 4: I just believe I believe you.
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: I think that's probably the stance.
• 29:11
  Speaker 4: That is the route that we should take to the
• 29:12
  Speaker 4: restaurant immediate high group. Just nobody can respond to that.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: It's just right.
• 29:17
  Speaker 5: But yeah, No, I relate to the writer's story from
• 29:20
  Speaker 5: the sense that after the event, I will feel that.
• 29:24
  Speaker 5: I think, in the event, whatever I'm attending, whatever I'm
• 29:27
  Speaker 5: going through, I'm probably not thinking that way. But then afterward,
• 29:31
  Speaker 5: all I can think about is just like, oh God,
• 29:34
  Speaker 5: was I off putting? Was there anything that was like odd?
• 29:37
  Speaker 5: Did I say the wrong thing?
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: Like that?
• 29:38
  Speaker 3: Is?
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: That is just the next several hours of my brain.
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: It's just NonStop. So I relate to that part. But
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: when I'm in it, blind confidence you know, just I
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: belong here, this is my world. You're all in it
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: and energy.
• 29:55
  Speaker 5: Yeah, so that's how we get through it. So I guess, right,
• 29:57
  Speaker 5: I want to validate this. I think we're all validating
• 29:59
  Speaker 5: that what you're fe is a very common thing. I
• 30:01
  Speaker 5: think it's something that's very relatable. I think it's culturally relatable.
• 30:04
  Speaker 5: It could be birth order relatable. I think it's religiously relatable.
• 30:08
  Speaker 5: I think a lot of people dial into this. I
• 30:11
  Speaker 5: don't know how much of it is directly due to
• 30:13
  Speaker 5: the experience you had with World of Warcraft and becoming
• 30:15
  Speaker 5: hyper vigilant. I suspect that that story you gave us
• 30:21
  Speaker 5: is less the cause and more a symptom, along with
• 30:25
  Speaker 5: many other examples of times in your life that I
• 30:29
  Speaker 5: was going to say another example, right, Yeah, you didn't
• 30:31
  Speaker 5: want to disappoint others. The expectation was one way, and
• 30:35
  Speaker 5: instead of pushing back or fighting back, there was a
• 30:37
  Speaker 5: sense of like compliance, but like then trying to get
• 30:40
  Speaker 5: away with it, and just that sense of like I'm
• 30:42
  Speaker 5: secret keeping they don't realize something about me. And I'll
• 30:46
  Speaker 5: bet that that probably just you know, does create kind
• 30:49
  Speaker 5: of a hangover effect. But yeah, I would really encourage
• 30:51
  Speaker 5: you to look more into CPT man, because like, mind
• 30:54
  Speaker 5: reading is a dangerous thing to live your life on
• 30:56
  Speaker 5: and that's tough, like everywhere you go, you believe that.
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: That's what I was going to say, too, is like
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: kind of going the CBT route being able to identify
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: the thought right away. You know, just practice identification first,
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: identify these thoughts when they happen, and then start challenging them,
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: and then you can kind of start practicing some affirmation
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: of some replacement thoughts. If that doesn't work, then my
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: other suggestion is you should do something really.
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: Bad, okay, yeah, like an exposure.
• 31:28
  Speaker 7: Yourself when the top is after me, Like I know
• 31:31
  Speaker 7: I wasn't speeding, but I did just do this other thing.
• 31:35
  Speaker 7: I'm joking writer, don't do this.
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: Don't kill a hobo. Yeah, don't do that.
• 31:43
  Speaker 3: I'm thinking more like do something you think is really bad,
• 31:47
  Speaker 3: but like isn't I don't know, like something that you're saying,
• 31:50
  Speaker 3: like going into the restaurant, like continuing to do and
• 31:53
  Speaker 3: not that you said that was bad but you feel
• 31:55
  Speaker 3: uncomfortable in it. Trying to practice putting yourself in those
• 31:59
  Speaker 3: situations and then walking through the thoughts like you both
• 32:01
  Speaker 3: this is.
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: A real example. I know. I think that's a great suggestion.
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: Actually, yeah, I mean when I think about that, like
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: you know, like visiting another country, where have the thought of, like, oh,
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: what if I do something that's you know, considered rude
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: or inappropriate to be able to give yourself some leeway
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: and be like, yeah, well, I'm learning a new culture.
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: I'm going to fuck up.
• 32:19
  Speaker 3: And people might be upset at that, and that's okay.
• 32:21
  Speaker 3: They're in charge of their own experience.
• 32:24
  Speaker 5: Especially if that apprehension is is like a live thing
• 32:26
  Speaker 5: that always happens to you. I love the idea of
• 32:28
  Speaker 5: intentionally taking yourself into situations and like identifying like I'm
• 32:33
  Speaker 5: I'm doing something that is a faux pa. There is
• 32:35
  Speaker 5: something here that I'm intentionally doing that does separate me
• 32:38
  Speaker 5: or otherwise me, And I'm doing that so I can
• 32:40
  Speaker 5: learn to tolerate that feeling.
• 32:41
  Speaker 4: Yeah, like just walking, I'm not supposed to be pissing
• 32:44
  Speaker 4: on this building right right.
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: But I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna wear this fanny
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: pack and these socks and the building is school and
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: don't give a fuck what anybody thinks. Pew pw Texas.
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: That's right. Hashtag believe women.
• 32:56
  Speaker 4: Also, if you do pee on buildings, like if you're
• 32:58
  Speaker 4: if you're nervous inside of a building, if you pee
• 33:01
  Speaker 4: on it first, now it's your building, and why would
• 33:05
  Speaker 4: you feel nervous reprehensive inside of a building. Get all
• 33:08
  Speaker 4: those other people out of there they doing Yeah, the
• 33:11
  Speaker 4: peed on this building. I'm currently peeing on this building.
• 33:14
  Speaker 5: So when we say pe on a building, I'm thinking
• 33:16
  Speaker 5: you're on the outside, ping on the corner. But I
• 33:18
  Speaker 5: realize that grammatically you could just as easily be in
• 33:20
  Speaker 5: a hallway just being straight on the wall, and you're
• 33:23
  Speaker 5: also just being on the building.
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: I'll except either, okay, location there it is. I believe
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: it all falls under the laws of Dibbs possession nine cents,
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: as I recall, there's always possession involved with building cases. Anyway, Austin,
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: good luck on this one. Man.
• 33:42
  Speaker 5: Definitely take a deeper look at some of those cognitive
• 33:44
  Speaker 5: distortions and maybe doing some workbook, you know, exercises on CBT.
• 33:49
  Speaker 5: And I really like Whitney's idea of like taking those
• 33:52
  Speaker 5: small kind of exposure therapy steps of like challenging yourself
• 33:56
  Speaker 5: to actually knowingly enter into, you know, scenarios identifying what's
• 34:00
  Speaker 5: gonna feel weird about that, tolerating that discomfort, and actively
• 34:03
  Speaker 5: reminding yourself during it, like, hey, this is not accurate.
• 34:06
  Speaker 5: This is a feeling, not a fact. I'm not notable here,
• 34:09
  Speaker 5: I'm not standing out here. There's nothing about me that's
• 34:11
  Speaker 5: different in the scenario. I'm just blending in, right, And
• 34:14
  Speaker 5: what's that old statement like, you'll you'll think much less
• 34:16
  Speaker 5: about what people think about you when you realize how
• 34:19
  Speaker 5: seldom they do. And then I just think, like stuff
• 34:21
  Speaker 5: like that is really core to getting through these kinds
• 34:23
  Speaker 5: of scenarios. But anyway, Austin, good luck on that. Definitely
• 34:27
  Speaker 5: piss on some random building, and you know, tell the
• 34:30
  Speaker 5: cops that it was Whitney, because then you'll get away
• 34:32
  Speaker 5: with it. We're gonna take a quick break and when
• 34:34
  Speaker 5: we come back, we're talking about a weekend flirt.
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: You're listening to pod Therapy after Time. Today's episode has
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: brought to you by Robert Brownie Junior Men's Kale Lansbury, Stanley,
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: Adam Hathaway and Martin Live Hey Yo, Andrew Langley, Chad Magrints.
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: Would you like to spotsor the show become a therap
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: producer All right, we have keeping with our theme wedding
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: traditions around the world. Oh, this will be great, all.
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: Right, Jim, Yeah, you're up multiple choice in which country
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: you do. Brides traditionally wear red instead of white to
• 35:18
  Speaker 2: symbolize good luck and prosperity.
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: That's hot. Oh yeah, bride shows up wearing fucking red.
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: That's cool. That's really cool. That's fucking sexy. I need options.
• 35:30
  Speaker 4: I think what I'm hearing is I'm.
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: Entered on by it.
• 35:34
  Speaker 5: I think it's a great idea, that's wonderful. I assume
• 35:38
  Speaker 5: this is some province of Hell. But go on, I
• 35:40
  Speaker 5: need I need options.
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: Okay, is it Japan, who, China, India or Greece? Okay, Okay,
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: I'm not gonna go with Greece. It's up there red.
• 35:54
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I've seen seen this video, So I'm going to
• 35:57
  Speaker 5: just qualify Greece because I've seen my big fat Greek wedding.
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: She did not.
• 36:00
  Speaker 4: We're red, and I've been to Greece, as we've established,
• 36:03
  Speaker 4: were part of a two week vacation.
• 36:05
  Speaker 5: I feel like it's going to be an Eastern country
• 36:06
  Speaker 5: because it's gonna be like they're just completely differentiated on
• 36:10
  Speaker 5: this concept.
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: So there's Japan, Uh, India? And what was the third one? China?
• 36:14
  Speaker 5: I feel like the Indians wear a lot of yellow,
• 36:16
  Speaker 5: so I don't think that's it. And then uh, China's
• 36:20
  Speaker 5: under dread. I feel like they're in the red Yeah,
• 36:25
  Speaker 5: give me, give me Japan, you know what, Let's go Japan.
• 36:29
  Speaker 3: No, which where are we going? Or Whitney India?
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: No, ha, you dummy, it's yellow India. What was China?
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: I'll say China. China is ship right there? Man, the
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: Red Army maw. I should know you're calling. Yes, under
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: we have an official declaration again. I'm gonna move on anyway.
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: In the meantime, Whitney, you got another question search.
• 36:59
  Speaker 3: It's Whitney's question day Flora.
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: In a traditional Greek what item is often placed on
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: the couple's heads and joined by a ribbon to symbolize unity.
• 37:10
  Speaker 3: Well, Jim, can you see anything?
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: I don't? According to Whitney's phone www Dot porn.
• 37:17
  Speaker 5: Hobby, red is traditionally worn for weddings in China, India,
• 37:23
  Speaker 5: and Vietnam.
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: But the first word, Nick was China. So I don't
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: give you on this. When you accept your apology, yep,
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: did you say what did you say red?
• 37:32
  Speaker 4: What was how was the question?
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: How was the questions? Jacob, attorney at law. In which
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: country do brides traditionally wear red instead of white to
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: symbolize good luck and prospers? The question is? It kind
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: of implies that it's a wedding gown. Okay, because that's fair.
• 37:55
  Speaker 3: Yeah, now read it. I hear what you're saying.
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: In India, Indian brides off were red sorries. I'm sorry.
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: What Sorry as a way to say sorry, yeah, that's fair.
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: The only time you will ever hear Jacob say sorry,
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: what an amazing culture. I'm not saying sorry. Women in
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: that culture actually, you know, that's just wow. You know
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: the West is fucked.
• 38:23
  Speaker 3: Call half I should get a half point.
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: That's firm, but fair one all right, next one, all right, Whitney.
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: In a traditional Greek wedding, what item is often placed
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: on the couple's heads and joined by a ribbon to
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: symbolize unity.
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: It's from the coneheads? Remember the coneheads? They do?
• 38:44
  Speaker 3: They do? I need options? I don't know.
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: Olive wreaths, gold coins, crowns, laurel leaves, oh boy, there's several.
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: I like them.
• 38:55
  Speaker 3: No crowns, yes, I thought it was the old ones.
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: That's what that's called. Yeah, all right, I'm Jacob. In
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: which African country? There's more than one, just so you
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: know in which country?
• 39:16
  Speaker 4: South and North?
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah? You so close?
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: Which African country? Might you see the bride and groom
• 39:25
  Speaker 2: jump over a broom as part of their wedding ceremony?
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: Oh, witch's wedding. I have heard of this, Salem Moregan,
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: my man.
• 39:35
  Speaker 4: Also in the South, uh, South Louisiana, there is a
• 39:38
  Speaker 4: tradition called dance the broom. Okay, any of you know
• 39:41
  Speaker 4: the dance broom tradition? If you have, if the bron did,
• 39:47
  Speaker 4: we did not do it at our wedding. It was
• 39:49
  Speaker 4: not applicable at our wedding. It only happens if the
• 39:54
  Speaker 4: bride has an older unmarried sister. What and then the
• 39:59
  Speaker 4: older un married sister of the bride has to, at
• 40:03
  Speaker 4: some point during the reception have a spotlight dance where
• 40:06
  Speaker 4: they dance with a bruider.
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: Oh that's sh they have to go out and dance
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: the broad The South hates women thing.
• 40:26
  Speaker 4: My friend's wedding down in Lafayette. The bride's family was
• 40:31
  Speaker 4: all from New York. Family is all South Louisiana. Bride's
• 40:36
  Speaker 4: family is all New York, and it was great when
• 40:40
  Speaker 4: they when they made the brides, like the bride's older sister,
• 40:43
  Speaker 4: she knew what you knew about it ahead of time, okay,
• 40:46
  Speaker 4: and she was in like she was she was fully
• 40:49
  Speaker 4: in to do all of it.
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: It was It's so fun and so funny.
• 40:53
  Speaker 4: Because it's just it's.
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it's a bit. I don't know if the.
• 41:00
  Speaker 4: Origins are worse or anything, but it's just a big
• 41:02
  Speaker 4: part of the party. What was the question jumping over
• 41:06
  Speaker 4: the broom?
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, give me options Nigeria, Ghana, South Africa or Kenya.
• 41:13
  Speaker 4: Gosh okay, okay, I will say Nigeria. No, I'm sorry,
• 41:22
  Speaker 4: give me Ghana.
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: It is gone. I thought if I just said it
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: really confidently, everybody like, what the fuck we got to
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: prof from somebody else's question. Oh that's cool, okay, cool,
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: equal game. It's all tied up.
• 41:39
  Speaker 5: I like the of wedding traditions. I like the one
• 41:42
  Speaker 5: where you can dance with the bride, but you gotta
• 41:45
  Speaker 5: give her mind.
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: The dollar did at my first wedding. Yeah, I like that.
• 41:50
  Speaker 5: That's that's really cute because everybody just gets to give money,
• 41:52
  Speaker 5: put it in her purse or whatever. It's for the honeymoon,
• 41:55
  Speaker 5: for the groom to No, yeah, we did that at
• 41:56
  Speaker 5: my wedding. Nobody paid. Actually, all my grooms men gave
• 41:59
  Speaker 5: me to dance with me, and they all like insisted
• 42:02
  Speaker 5: on it being weirdly sexual dances.
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: No, guys, they paid, they paid, so they got what
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: they paid for. My man. Yeah, Jim boots out for
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: the red.
• 42:11
  Speaker 3: My friend her her mom was Nigerian, so a lot
• 42:16
  Speaker 3: of her heritage was brought into her wedding and she
• 42:18
  Speaker 3: got married in Jamaica. But they did like all this
• 42:21
  Speaker 3: money all over here while she was dancing on.
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: The like, oh, like you pend money to her?
• 42:24
  Speaker 3: It was late, I would no, it was kind of
• 42:27
  Speaker 3: like just you dance around and you kind of are
• 42:28
  Speaker 3: like throwing money at it.
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: But okay, stripper style, Yeah, yeah.
• 42:31
  Speaker 3: Pretty much. And she was very sweaty because you know,
• 42:34
  Speaker 3: we're like outside it's like hot, and yeah, it was
• 42:37
  Speaker 3: like insane, and then she ran in the ocean and
• 42:39
  Speaker 3: her wedding dress. It was amazing.
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: Can I make eye contact? We've got another question here
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: Weekend Flirt. Hi guys and Whitney. I hope you're all.
• 42:48
  Speaker 5: Doing fine, and I heard you ran out of question,
• 42:50
  Speaker 5: so I decided it was time for me to write in.
• 42:53
  Speaker 5: I am a female and happily married. We have a
• 42:55
  Speaker 5: child together, and even after years, I still do very
• 42:59
  Speaker 5: deeply love my husband and care for him. However, there
• 43:02
  Speaker 5: is someone in my life that I only see once
• 43:05
  Speaker 5: a year. He's married as well, but in a poly
• 43:07
  Speaker 5: relationship so he can date other people. We do flirt
• 43:10
  Speaker 5: whenever we see each other, but I made it clear
• 43:12
  Speaker 5: from the start that nothing else would happen, and he
• 43:15
  Speaker 5: always accepted this boundary. I do feel safe with him
• 43:18
  Speaker 5: and really enjoy the weekend that we meet on a
• 43:20
  Speaker 5: festival that we get to see our other friends. However,
• 43:23
  Speaker 5: when I see him, I feel my knees get shaky
• 43:26
  Speaker 5: and my heart is hammering in my chest. And when
• 43:28
  Speaker 5: this yearly event ends, I feel like I might cry
• 43:32
  Speaker 5: and I have a hard time letting go. I do
• 43:34
  Speaker 5: feel like I'm missing something in my life, so I
• 43:37
  Speaker 5: would like to explore why this guy is seemingly having
• 43:41
  Speaker 5: such a big influence on me. I don't have a
• 43:44
  Speaker 5: real question, I guess apart from is this normal? Thank
• 43:48
  Speaker 5: you for your time, and I apologize for writing such
• 43:51
  Speaker 5: a long text all the best signed weekend lover.
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: Well kind of I think.
• 43:58
  Speaker 3: This is a more common than we'd like to think.
• 44:04
  Speaker 3: Like I feel like maybe this is just kind of
• 44:08
  Speaker 3: American culture. I don't know, but there's a lot of
• 44:12
  Speaker 3: pressure put on like married people that if you even
• 44:17
  Speaker 3: you know, look at someone else, then it's how dare you?
• 44:21
  Speaker 3: And like you're just a horrible partner? You are the worst?
• 44:24
  Speaker 3: You don't you love your your husband or wife like
• 44:27
  Speaker 3: person like what's wrong? You know, everything's so great and
• 44:30
  Speaker 3: you're like, it's not about a lack of something, And
• 44:34
  Speaker 3: in my relationship, it's it's just a feeling. Like we're humans.
• 44:38
  Speaker 3: We sometimes are attracted to other people or you like,
• 44:41
  Speaker 3: think somebody looks pretty like it's not well, it's a
• 44:44
  Speaker 3: part of the brain you.
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: Can't really control, right, It's because it's the that animalistic
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: part where it's just like, oh, this person looks young
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: and healthy and would probably produce good, healthy children. Is
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: that what you'res I like that, yeah, done. Actually I'm
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: just gonna have Jacob cut that I.
• 45:06
  Speaker 4: Don't even have to.
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: It's the drop.
• 45:13
  Speaker 4: Somehow they off spring that's meanin.
• 45:23
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I remember whenever Great Knight was doing that bit
• 45:30
  Speaker 5: where they were trying to pick on Jacob, and I'm
• 45:32
  Speaker 5: I admired the restraint that Jacob did not immediately start
• 45:35
  Speaker 5: imitating either Justin or.
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: Brian because he could have wrecked. And I just thought,
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: what a good man's that they're taking it and he's
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: just not decimating either of them because they're way more imitatable.
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: And he's like, Nope, took the high ground. I remember
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: something there like slow clapping in the back of the room, like.
• 45:52
  Speaker 4: What a gentleman. You can't do anything. It's not about
• 45:55
  Speaker 4: taking the high ground. You can't do anything. It's an
• 45:57
  Speaker 4: impossible battle. It's choosing, it's choosing what's a battles just
• 46:02
  Speaker 4: letting it go.
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: You know, I agree with you on this point.
• 46:04
  Speaker 5: We had a writer right in I think maybe like
• 46:07
  Speaker 5: a month ago that was talking about her poly relationships,
• 46:11
  Speaker 5: and in the midst of her letter she had a
• 46:13
  Speaker 5: comment where she said it kind of baffled her personally
• 46:17
  Speaker 5: that people felt so strongly about monogamy, because she said,
• 46:21
  Speaker 5: you know, it's interesting because in every other relationship in
• 46:24
  Speaker 5: our lives as humans, we do not apply that standard
• 46:28
  Speaker 5: and we do not take it so personally, like if
• 46:31
  Speaker 5: you're if you have multiple siblings and your sibling spends
• 46:36
  Speaker 5: a lot of time with you and then sometimes like
• 46:37
  Speaker 5: spend time with your other sibling, you don't take that
• 46:39
  Speaker 5: as a betrayal. You think, oh, that's of course there's
• 46:42
  Speaker 5: going to be other things or friendship. I think the
• 46:44
  Speaker 5: writer talked about it in terms of friendships.
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: But yeah, you don't.
• 46:47
  Speaker 5: You don't think like, oh, you want to hang out
• 46:48
  Speaker 5: with your other friend and that somehow speaks to our
• 46:52
  Speaker 5: friendship friends hang out with Well, you're also a jealous,
• 46:56
  Speaker 5: catty bitch with me. I mean, you know, so, I
• 46:58
  Speaker 5: mean that's fax hurt cut on deep. But no, this
• 47:01
  Speaker 5: is a really good point. And I remember the writer
• 47:03
  Speaker 5: saying that, and just I remember thinking, like, that's just
• 47:06
  Speaker 5: a very well articulated statement because it's so relatable that
• 47:10
  Speaker 5: all humans everwhere go oh, because think there's a lot
• 47:12
  Speaker 5: of people that don't don't relate to Polly at all,
• 47:14
  Speaker 5: you know, and they're like, I just don't understand how
• 47:16
  Speaker 5: you can feel that way.
• 47:16
  Speaker 1: I have a cousin named Polly. I'm related to her. Okay,
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: so you relate to it a little bit.
• 47:20
  Speaker 5: Yeah, But like I think that this makes it so
• 47:22
  Speaker 5: much more relatable when you think do you feel that way?
• 47:25
  Speaker 5: Do you feel possessive and insecure or restrictive about relationships
• 47:30
  Speaker 5: otherwise in your life, or do you feel fine with
• 47:33
  Speaker 5: the fact that your spouse or your best friend has
• 47:36
  Speaker 5: other friends and that is non threatening to you because
• 47:39
  Speaker 5: your dynamic is different than their dynamic and there's nothing
• 47:41
  Speaker 5: wrong with that. Like you have a friend you like
• 47:43
  Speaker 5: to go to sports with, you have a friend you
• 47:44
  Speaker 5: like to go get your nails done with, you have
• 47:45
  Speaker 5: a friend that you read with, like great, nothing about
• 47:48
  Speaker 5: that is threatening to different dynamics. So I can appreciate
• 47:52
  Speaker 5: like these kinds of like feelings where the writer's saying, like,
• 47:55
  Speaker 5: I go on this weekend trip, I see this person.
• 47:58
  Speaker 5: It's invigorating, it's exciting.
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: I know they like me. I have feelings for them too.
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: Is that weird? And I think we're all kind of
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: unanimously saying like, there's nothing weird.
• 48:06
  Speaker 3: There's nothing weird about that. No, not at all.
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: Does it mean anything. I think it's also a bit
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: of just excitement.
• 48:13
  Speaker 3: That's what I didn't say, Like the unknown Also, like.
• 48:17
  Speaker 4: The person is in a poly relationship, so there's a
• 48:19
  Speaker 4: part of your brain that is going like this is
• 48:21
  Speaker 4: also legitimately an option.
• 48:23
  Speaker 3: That's an option. Yeah, but this is a real option.
• 48:25
  Speaker 4: This isn't like, Oh, I have another friend's spouse and
• 48:28
  Speaker 4: you know they aren't Polly my spouse and I aren't Polly.
• 48:31
  Speaker 1: That didn't really seem like an option.
• 48:33
  Speaker 3: Shuts it down real quick, like you might.
• 48:35
  Speaker 4: You might see that spouse and go like, oh, that
• 48:36
  Speaker 4: spouse is attractive, and I do you have some chemistry
• 48:39
  Speaker 4: with them?
• 48:39
  Speaker 5: Yeah, But in the back of your mind you're like,
• 48:41
  Speaker 5: but there's no plausible there's there's not a path there.
• 48:43
  Speaker 5: There's a path on this one, right, Yeah, there's a
• 48:46
  Speaker 5: real path.
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: On this one.
• 48:47
  Speaker 3: And I think our brain is very good at trying
• 48:49
  Speaker 3: to figure out ways to get what we want, and
• 48:51
  Speaker 3: so not that you're doing that, but you're saying, Wow,
• 48:54
  Speaker 3: my brain might be kind of like tingling trying to
• 48:56
  Speaker 3: do that, but I'm not going to that.
• 48:59
  Speaker 1: The door is open. I think is a very power,
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: like you were saying.
• 49:02
  Speaker 4: And by the way, I don't think that negates anything
• 49:04
  Speaker 4: that you guys were saying, like it's it's just a
• 49:06
  Speaker 4: different way of I think you're adding to it. I
• 49:08
  Speaker 4: think you're you're all just excited by this and it's
• 49:10
  Speaker 4: a it's a fun it's a fun neat thing. It
• 49:13
  Speaker 4: doesn't by itself, it doesn't mean anything.
• 49:15
  Speaker 5: There is I think that we've all heard these stories
• 49:18
  Speaker 5: or their scenarios where like there's a world in which
• 49:21
  Speaker 5: somebody that you know, a coworker or something like that
• 49:22
  Speaker 5: does let you know, like hey, feelings for you and
• 49:25
  Speaker 5: like if you ever wanted to do anything, that would
• 49:27
  Speaker 5: be great with me, and I'm not going to cause
• 49:29
  Speaker 5: any trouble in your life. And so you get like
• 49:31
  Speaker 5: that open door policy. And I think that's way more
• 49:34
  Speaker 5: powerful than just like, oh, we kind of have some chemistry,
• 49:36
  Speaker 5: we flirted a little bit. When they've made it clear
• 49:39
  Speaker 5: this is green light and like I am pogating.
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: I don't have an issue with this. It's a weekend
• 49:45
  Speaker 1: like it does.
• 49:48
  Speaker 4: Oh, I have had coworkers like profess their love full on,
• 49:53
  Speaker 4: Like so you did read my text I left me
• 49:55
  Speaker 4: on read you don't reply and you knew that I
• 49:58
  Speaker 4: read it. It's rude that you so weird that you
• 50:00
  Speaker 4: were curious.
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: What is just thumbs up?
• 50:04
  Speaker 4: I mean you thumbs up other texts, the next, the
• 50:06
  Speaker 4: next text and the thread. And I post in the
• 50:08
  Speaker 4: group because I believe in you know, being transparent. I
• 50:10
  Speaker 4: don't want it to be weird forbody else. You don't
• 50:12
  Speaker 4: have to make a new text message.
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: Well. Also, I don't know how you know I only
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: have you in the group text. I don't even think
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: I have your numbers saved good. I don't even know
• 50:20
  Speaker 1: if I'm blocked, Like do you only remove me?
• 50:25
  Speaker 4: I've had I've had co workers do that, and like
• 50:27
  Speaker 4: I think that I was going to leave s J
• 50:30
  Speaker 4: and like all that kind of stuff, and like like
• 50:33
  Speaker 4: like I like you too. You're cool, but not like
• 50:41
  Speaker 4: I don't want to lose like half Okay, you're great,
• 50:47
  Speaker 4: but by by Like we've turned down poly couples before
• 50:53
  Speaker 4: as well, like swear a couple of type things and
• 50:55
  Speaker 4: U And every time I've appreciated the frankness. Yeah when
• 51:00
  Speaker 4: they when they just speak very frankly about it, ago
• 51:03
  Speaker 4: like this is this is great.
• 51:04
  Speaker 3: There's no ambiguity here, no thank you. I'm to talk
• 51:09
  Speaker 3: about when Peter and I approached you.
• 51:12
  Speaker 1: He stepped in a lot of feelings tonight.
• 51:15
  Speaker 4: Here's the thing, why is this happening to everybody except me?
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to tell you that you live different worlds.
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: You're so coy and that's on you. Okay, we put
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: our ship out there because we're not afraid to. Okay,
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: is it the overalls, Yeah, it's not helping. It's the
• 51:38
  Speaker 1: overalls and the sandals with socks. That's where I drop
• 51:42
  Speaker 1: off there, you're but not with those shoes. Please put
• 51:47
  Speaker 1: a shirt on, shirt and the socks and okay, fine,
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: silly if you didn't have the straw hat. Kind of
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: my thing this.
• 52:00
  Speaker 5: I like how he seductively unbuckles one part of the strap,
• 52:04
  Speaker 5: though I'm not wanting.
• 52:08
  Speaker 1: Nothing's hotter than overalls. That's yes, nip, middle aged dudes
• 52:24
  Speaker 1: with nip.
• 52:25
  Speaker 5: Somebody please a I generate the cartoon of Nick with
• 52:28
  Speaker 5: the nipple ring and the whole pizaze here throwing bils
• 52:32
  Speaker 5: of Hay over.
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: His shoulder like this.
• 52:35
  Speaker 4: Just I want I want Nick to not only have
• 52:38
  Speaker 4: nipple piercings. I want Nick to be a nipple piercing enthusiast.
• 52:43
  Speaker 4: I want Nick to be someone that discusses nipple piercings
• 52:46
  Speaker 4: with strangers.
• 52:47
  Speaker 5: So I'm curious, we're all. I think relating to it
• 52:51
  Speaker 5: is very normal, it is very natural. I think we're
• 52:53
  Speaker 5: normalizing these feelings. I think we're normalizing that that they
• 52:56
  Speaker 5: are even bigger because of opportunity. I think we're normalizing
• 52:59
  Speaker 5: what it's like when somebody comes to you and says, hey,
• 53:01
  Speaker 5: I do like you, I have feelings for you, and
• 53:03
  Speaker 5: if you ever want to do anything, I want you
• 53:05
  Speaker 5: to know that that's okay with me.
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: So like all of this, I think is all that
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: titillating kind of experience.
• 53:10
  Speaker 4: I think one thing that.
• 53:11
  Speaker 5: The writers ask tilating Yeah, beneath the question, I think
• 53:14
  Speaker 5: is this other question. I'm curious what you guys would say.
• 53:17
  Speaker 5: Does the do these feelings?
• 53:20
  Speaker 1: Does anal count there it is? Do these feelings indicate anything?
• 53:25
  Speaker 5: Does this mean anything when we say like okay, God
• 53:28
  Speaker 5: can't tell if we say like, okay, these are normal
• 53:31
  Speaker 5: feelings to have. But at some point do these feelings
• 53:34
  Speaker 5: get so powerful and so persistent that you would look.
• 53:38
  Speaker 1: At this and say.
• 53:40
  Speaker 5: This means something? This says something maybe about your marriage,
• 53:44
  Speaker 5: or this is very authentic and you're denying yourself if
• 53:48
  Speaker 5: you don't, Like, I don't know, like, at some point
• 53:50
  Speaker 5: do we interpret meaning into these or do we just
• 53:53
  Speaker 5: call them like this blase feeling that just passes through,
• 53:55
  Speaker 5: Because for some people this can become so big to
• 53:57
  Speaker 5: them that they're like, hey, look, I appreciate normalizing it.
• 54:00
  Speaker 5: I don't want to feel guilty or shame about this,
• 54:02
  Speaker 5: But I'm also curious, should I listen to these feelings?
• 54:05
  Speaker 5: Are they trying to tell me something?
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: Is this meaningful? At what point does that mean something?
• 54:08
  Speaker 4: So like if you can't carry on a conversation with
• 54:10
  Speaker 4: the other person because you're just thinking about fucking them
• 54:13
  Speaker 4: so much, right then, like I don't know, maybe maybe
• 54:16
  Speaker 4: you want to dial that back a little bit.
• 54:18
  Speaker 1: Ron you have a huge erection, Yeah, thank you, we
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: can have a problem.
• 54:28
  Speaker 4: Just no one's called it huge since nineteen eighty six.
• 54:32
  Speaker 4: Everything was smaller that at some point doesn't matter.
• 54:34
  Speaker 1: Do we feel like it's meaningful? Does it mean? Yeah?
• 54:36
  Speaker 1: I definitely, yeah, I think it does matter.
• 54:39
  Speaker 2: I mean, it's like it's one thing if it's just
• 54:41
  Speaker 2: kind of because I'm also looking at this like there's
• 54:44
  Speaker 2: another party that's involved here too, to other parties technically yes,
• 54:48
  Speaker 2: I mean I but yeah, I mean, but like I think, yeah,
• 54:55
  Speaker 2: if it's just something that's just kind of like, oh yeah,
• 54:57
  Speaker 2: there's these feelings, nothing's going to happen with it. It
• 55:01
  Speaker 2: just is it normal to have these feelings. I think
• 55:04
  Speaker 2: that's a different question than like, as Jacob was saying,
• 55:06
  Speaker 2: it was like, wow, I can't it's affecting my eating patterns.
• 55:10
  Speaker 2: I can't think, I can't focus. I've got all this
• 55:12
  Speaker 2: stuff going on that's over it. Or yeah, I think
• 55:15
  Speaker 2: that's a separate if it's becoming a distraction or if
• 55:18
  Speaker 2: you feel like your marriage is growing apart.
• 55:21
  Speaker 4: Anyway, right, and this is also happening, like if this is,
• 55:24
  Speaker 4: if this is a symptom of something bigger, That's what
• 55:27
  Speaker 4: I said earlier. I don't think this type of thing
• 55:29
  Speaker 4: means anything. If it's just the standalone thing, you know,
• 55:35
  Speaker 4: like if it's if this is, if this is all
• 55:37
  Speaker 4: that's happening, I don't know. I wouldn't be I wouldn't
• 55:40
  Speaker 4: be that worried about it.
• 55:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that over time, and it sucks because
• 55:44
  Speaker 3: you kind of see them every year and it sounds
• 55:46
  Speaker 3: like it it reignites it, and then you have to
• 55:48
  Speaker 3: taper out again and you have the anticipation of it, Yes,
• 55:52
  Speaker 3: you're going to see them again. So yeah, I think
• 55:56
  Speaker 3: that that makes it more challenging because because generally we
• 56:01
  Speaker 3: might have those really strong feelings where they kind of
• 56:03
  Speaker 3: consume our thoughts, and we're like, what does that mean?
• 56:05
  Speaker 3: Like I have an experience that and I'm curious and
• 56:08
  Speaker 3: there's the fascination of the unknown and and all these
• 56:10
  Speaker 3: things kind of swirling in your head. But over time
• 56:13
  Speaker 3: it will tape out if you're just not around them
• 56:15
  Speaker 3: or you know, that's not being fed, I guess, but yeah,
• 56:20
  Speaker 3: you have you have that to look forward to hear.
• 56:22
  Speaker 3: It makes it a little challenging.
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: It's a good question, like what what are the other
• 56:26
  Speaker 1: eleven months are that year? Like right, how long is
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: there over effect?
• 56:31
  Speaker 3: This is a little bit like just drought, just off
• 56:36
  Speaker 3: I don't know, a little rabbit trail. But with Polly, though,
• 56:39
  Speaker 3: I guess I want to be clear my experience working
• 56:43
  Speaker 3: with clients who are Polly, it's not open. It's hey,
• 56:47
  Speaker 3: I have a discussion with my partners about like who
• 56:49
  Speaker 3: I'm sleeping with and who I'm dating. So a teenage
• 56:52
  Speaker 3: part of me is like, okay, is he like coming
• 56:54
  Speaker 3: to this festival, like discussing, Hey, if you want to
• 56:56
  Speaker 3: hook up with her, that's cool, or like like.
• 57:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we don't know what the other.
• 57:01
  Speaker 3: You don't really know, so like you're saying they may.
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: Have an arrangement with their other partners that says we
• 57:06
  Speaker 1: are allowed to.
• 57:07
  Speaker 3: Do this to sect they could, but yeah, I just
• 57:09
  Speaker 3: want to make that sir, that Polly doesn't mean open
• 57:13
  Speaker 3: like listeners. I don't know.
• 57:14
  Speaker 1: That's a good Yeah. People can just synonymize it with
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: swinging or whatever.
• 57:19
  Speaker 4: It's like, no, no, no, it is more. I see
• 57:21
  Speaker 4: my friend who is free use there it is, and
• 57:23
  Speaker 4: I just use them. And the writer kind of tells us.
• 57:27
  Speaker 1: I mean.
• 57:28
  Speaker 5: Towards the end of the letter, the writer says, I
• 57:29
  Speaker 5: don't feel like I'm missing something in my life. And
• 57:33
  Speaker 5: that's partly why I'm so confused by this, is that
• 57:37
  Speaker 5: I don't see that there's a vacancy. I am very happy.
• 57:41
  Speaker 5: But I guess to me, this is something that again,
• 57:44
  Speaker 5: these two things can coexist, and they often do. And
• 57:47
  Speaker 5: I think this bewilders a lot of people because they're like.
• 57:49
  Speaker 3: Oh my God, like it's one or the other.
• 57:52
  Speaker 5: Yes, I've had this happen a lot. And it's interesting
• 57:53
  Speaker 5: because this is I was talking to somebody about this
• 57:55
  Speaker 5: the other day. I hear women speak a certain way
• 58:00
  Speaker 5: that is sometimes very different than how men speak about emotions.
• 58:03
  Speaker 4: What, Jim, You're such an idiot.
• 58:05
  Speaker 1: Here we go.
• 58:06
  Speaker 5: Buckle up that hate mail those ladies, Here we go.
• 58:11
  Speaker 5: But I'll hear women talk about emotions Jim at ye,
• 58:17
  Speaker 5: it's nick tangement, So like I I will hear women
• 58:21
  Speaker 5: discuss emotion, and even in popular media, I'll see this
• 58:24
  Speaker 5: as well.
• 58:24
  Speaker 1: They talk about it as if they.
• 58:26
  Speaker 5: Are discovering it, as if it is arriving. Like I'll
• 58:29
  Speaker 5: hear women talk to each other and go, do I
• 58:30
  Speaker 5: have feelings for this guy? And that's a legitimate conversation
• 58:34
  Speaker 5: to be like yeah, And it's like this this conversation,
• 58:37
  Speaker 5: and I'll have that conversation in therapy, like I want
• 58:39
  Speaker 5: to sit down and talk like I think I have
• 58:40
  Speaker 5: feelings for this guy?
• 58:42
  Speaker 1: Do I have?
• 58:42
  Speaker 5: And it's like they want me to announce it? And
• 58:44
  Speaker 5: I'm like, are you being coy? Are you being genuinely befuddled?
• 58:48
  Speaker 5: And over time I've discovered it's genuine. It's it's this
• 58:50
  Speaker 5: genuine sense of I'm not sure if I really like
• 58:53
  Speaker 5: this person or is this something else?
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: What's going on?
• 58:56
  Speaker 5: And it's interesting because men don't generally do that. They
• 58:58
  Speaker 5: don't come in with a sense of bewilderment, like do
• 59:00
  Speaker 5: I like this girl? What's Yeah, I think I kind
• 59:03
  Speaker 5: of like this girl that's inconvenient, you know, like I
• 59:05
  Speaker 5: probably don't.
• 59:06
  Speaker 4: Want to react to it or whatever. Let's deal with that.
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: But like I think women that by the way, it
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: is Jim's first solo album. Yeah, yeah, yeah, when I
• 59:15
  Speaker 1: break away up the band that I'm gonna I'm gonna
• 59:17
  Speaker 1: say your ass like justin Timber like you, I'm already
• 59:22
  Speaker 1: leaving the boy band. Bitch, we don't have one song.
• 59:26
  Speaker 1: I think you might gar.
• 59:28
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like that's a woman problem in a way.
• 59:37
  Speaker 3: That's like women are kind of raised a lot of
• 59:41
  Speaker 3: times too, or I guess in history, raised to like
• 59:45
  Speaker 3: not be so short and to look for like like
• 59:48
  Speaker 3: you know, am I I need you to validate. I
• 59:50
  Speaker 3: don't know, but really we know we're just not used
• 59:52
  Speaker 3: to using verbiage like that where we ourselves.
• 59:56
  Speaker 1: Do you think it's a legitimate question or do you
• 59:59
  Speaker 1: think it is a code?
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 3: I think it's more code. I think I think Jacob's
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 3: onto this, And that's kind of what I mean. Like
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 3: they aren't literally questioning, they're kind of looking you to say, like,
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 3: are you about to like shame the shit out of
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 3: me if I say, like I like this other person,
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 3: or I'm a track.
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 1: Are you gonna tell me to fucking get busy?
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 3: Yeah, or you're gonna be like, oh, this is okay, Okay,
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 3: it's okay.
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 5: It's almost like they need to lay down all the
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 5: math and let the other person sum up the clues
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 5: and go, hey, I do think you kind of like
• 1:00:24
  Speaker 5: this guy.
• 1:00:24
  Speaker 3: It's like oh no, oh man, and it's like okay, now,
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 3: it's okay, I say it. I can say it out.
• 1:00:30
  Speaker 1: Loud now, but we're doing this in this passive way
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 1: that's more plausible. Okay, that's interesting.
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think women in general have a hard time
• 1:00:37
  Speaker 3: completely owning their emotions outwardly to others. I think internally,
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 3: well maybe internally too, but I don't know. I think
• 1:00:44
  Speaker 3: it's so much to do with like men are just
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 3: so self assured in society. It's like, I don't know,
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 3: maybe I'm just speaking from personal experience, but yeah, there's
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 3: a lot of self doubt around a lot of things.
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 3: We're just well.
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 5: It's interesting because like, even even the way that I've
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 5: seen couples deal with infidelity or things like that, there's
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 5: often a cultural shift in the way it's described, Like
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 5: for women that committed to some kind of infidelity.
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 1: It seems to have arrived. It seems to have happened
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 1: like a weather system. It has arrived into our relationship
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 1: because she was left vulnerable or some conditions were met,
• 1:01:16
  Speaker 1: and this, this just pounced upon her, and she too
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 1: was completely just confused.
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 5: Right, But whereas the man, if he does it, he
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 5: always has autonomous culpability. You did this, it was a choice.
• 1:01:29
  Speaker 5: You're not a victim of your emotions. You're not befuddled
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 5: by them. It didn't arrive upon you. You weren't seduced
• 1:01:33
  Speaker 5: by anybody. You went out looking for this, got this,
• 1:01:36
  Speaker 5: and now you are a problem because of it. And
• 1:01:38
  Speaker 5: it's just very interesting like that. There's just a very
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 5: different and maybe it is just as simple as a code,
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 5: but I feel like there seems to be a way
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 5: to describe thought that we all just socially agree upon.
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 1: And I don't know.
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 5: I hear a little bit of it in the letter,
• 1:01:52
  Speaker 5: not to indict the writer at all, but just to
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 5: reflect upon some of this is like, I don't think
• 1:01:57
  Speaker 5: I'm missing anything in my relationship?
• 1:01:59
  Speaker 4: What does this mean? And it's sort of like we
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 4: can just nod to this and say Yeah, No, you
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 4: have a crush. Yeah, you have a crush on your friend. Okay,
• 1:02:08
  Speaker 4: okay to them, and they're very fuckable and there's nothing
• 1:02:11
  Speaker 4: wrong with that. You probably surround yourself with really good friends,
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 4: and your friends probably really attractive to you, and you
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 4: like them. You said things in your letter like I
• 1:02:18
  Speaker 4: feel safe with them. I see them all the time.
• 1:02:24
  Speaker 1: They clearly like me.
• 1:02:25
  Speaker 5: They've made that super clear, Like we flirt with each other,
• 1:02:27
  Speaker 5: and I feel safe to flirt with them, and I
• 1:02:29
  Speaker 5: can just enjoy that muscle, like it's really fun to
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 5: use that great.
• 1:02:32
  Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with any of them.
• 1:02:33
  Speaker 5: I don't know that we have to apply any kind
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 5: of moral standard to it. And you may have also
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 5: done the math writer and said I've concluded that I
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 5: choose not to do anything with this.
• 1:02:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, that's what commitment.
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 1: That's those can simultaneously exist. You can just really like
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 1: somebody I did. I forgot about this part.
• 1:02:48
  Speaker 4: I'm glad you said that because it just jocked my memory.
• 1:02:51
  Speaker 3: Ah.
• 1:02:51
  Speaker 4: I hope you didn't just say one time at the
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 4: beginning that hey, this is not going to be a
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 4: romantic relationship. And I think it's saying it that one
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 4: time several years ago. Good point is still rock salad.
• 1:03:05
  Speaker 1: Contract must be renegotiated.
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 2: You're saying you need to continually the topic must be Yeah, yeah,
• 1:03:12
  Speaker 2: because every opportunity is Because if you said, if you
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 2: said to me, like ten years ago, five years ago,
• 1:03:18
  Speaker 2: how many how many years ago you you started going
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 2: to this festival where you saw each other once a year.
• 1:03:23
  Speaker 4: Like, hey, this is great, but it's not going to
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 4: be anything more than what we're doing right now, and
• 1:03:27
  Speaker 4: then like four or five years, six years, seven years later,
• 1:03:30
  Speaker 4: we're still hooking up and hanging out and.
• 1:03:33
  Speaker 1: Really cooking around tonically. Yeah exactly, yeah, uh but yeah,
• 1:03:36
  Speaker 1: like hooking up and paling around. To be clear, one
• 1:03:39
  Speaker 1: might get a little mixed up a little bit every
• 1:03:41
  Speaker 1: now and then.
• 1:03:42
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and that might change his behavior too if he's like, oh,
• 1:03:45
  Speaker 3: is there any anything different.
• 1:03:46
  Speaker 5: Here, which is fair, but I think that there's nothing.
• 1:03:49
  Speaker 5: I think what you're bringing up, I think is just
• 1:03:51
  Speaker 5: a mature adult way to think about all relationships. Like
• 1:03:54
  Speaker 5: we we both mutually acknowledge that we attract each other,
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 5: we like each other, that we look forward to this.
• 1:03:59
  Speaker 5: And because I am flirting with you, you're you're giving
• 1:04:03
  Speaker 5: me permission to do that right because your friend and
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 5: I've seen this scenario play out. I've seen the scenario
• 1:04:07
  Speaker 5: where the friend says, hey, no, we're never going to
• 1:04:09
  Speaker 5: be together. And it's kind of selfish, a little bit
• 1:04:12
  Speaker 5: or hurtful to my heart that, like you always enjoy
• 1:04:15
  Speaker 5: playing with me and flirting with me and letting me
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 5: like whine and dine you and make you feel wonderful
• 1:04:19
  Speaker 5: for the weekend, but it's never going to go anywhere.
• 1:04:21
  Speaker 5: And that kind of sucks because I feel like I'm
• 1:04:23
  Speaker 5: just your fantasy, but like I care about you, and
• 1:04:26
  Speaker 5: like you're kind of just taking advantage. And I've seen
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 5: scenarios are like, fuck, you're right, I'm sorry. Okay, so
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 5: I admit that we're you're teaching me now that this
• 1:04:33
  Speaker 5: isn't okay anymore, and like, great, we are going to
• 1:04:35
  Speaker 5: peddle this back.
• 1:04:36
  Speaker 1: We're gonna just go strictly platonic. I'm going to stay
• 1:04:38
  Speaker 1: in my lane, You stay in your lane.
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 4: That's why I need it is some kind of I
• 1:04:41
  Speaker 4: don't know, blind spot yeah, yeah, yeah, that God can't
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 4: blind spot.
• 1:04:45
  Speaker 5: Yeah, that we nobody can see something that just really
• 1:04:48
  Speaker 5: doesn't somebody you know something that you know like p
• 1:04:50
  Speaker 5: Diddy might have the resources to support us, you know,
• 1:04:53
  Speaker 5: to just make this easier.
• 1:04:55
  Speaker 1: You know, you know, you know, lubric.
• 1:05:00
  Speaker 3: It's very uncomfortable right now. I just thought everyone should
• 1:05:03
  Speaker 3: know that.
• 1:05:03
  Speaker 5: But yeah, I think that Jay, I'm just underscoring Jacob's
• 1:05:05
  Speaker 5: point that I think that there's irrelevance that whenever you see.
• 1:05:08
  Speaker 4: With P did over and over scoring Jacob's point with
• 1:05:09
  Speaker 4: P did it.
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 5: The very fact that flirting is permitted in the dynamic
• 1:05:13
  Speaker 5: and that you both play along with that always implies
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 5: that it could become more. That's part of the fun
• 1:05:19
  Speaker 5: of flirting, and you might have to bring it back
• 1:05:23
  Speaker 5: up again or make a boundary clear of like, hey,
• 1:05:25
  Speaker 5: I really love this, but I just want to make
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 5: sure that I'm you know, continuing to teach you that
• 1:05:29
  Speaker 5: like that wouldn't ever happen.
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 1: Is that okay with you? And if they're like no,
• 1:05:32
  Speaker 1: I totally know. I just I love this. This, This
• 1:05:34
  Speaker 1: is fun for me too, Like, great, we're on the
• 1:05:35
  Speaker 1: same page.
• 1:05:36
  Speaker 5: It didn't have to be a long ass contract negotiation
• 1:05:38
  Speaker 5: and just you're right, though a clarification is probably good.
• 1:05:41
  Speaker 5: But I don't think any of us see anything wrong
• 1:05:43
  Speaker 5: with this writer. I don't think that we're you know,
• 1:05:45
  Speaker 5: looking at this like dits the relationship. I think we're
• 1:05:47
  Speaker 5: looking at saying this is perfectly healthy, and we also
• 1:05:50
  Speaker 5: respect that your your partner may not love it. Yeah,
• 1:05:53
  Speaker 5: you know, and so it might be one of those
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 5: things that you're kind of like your little white secret here,
• 1:05:57
  Speaker 5: you know, on your vacations. It's for funzies and it
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 5: doesn't have to become more than that, and you know
• 1:06:02
  Speaker 5: you're not acting on it, so there's maybe nothing to report.
• 1:06:05
  Speaker 3: No, I agree, And I think unless you have friends
• 1:06:07
  Speaker 3: you're very very close with, most people aren't telling you
• 1:06:10
  Speaker 3: about their own thoughts, you know, in this area, so
• 1:06:13
  Speaker 3: it can feel really lonely or weird, but it's really not.
• 1:06:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, great question. Writer.
• 1:06:19
  Speaker 5: So I love stuff like this because I just feel
• 1:06:21
  Speaker 5: like it's very humanizing. And I feel like in both
• 1:06:23
  Speaker 5: these questions so far, we've been able to like really
• 1:06:25
  Speaker 5: normalize these like very personal, private quiet experiences that I
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 5: love when writers give us these letters because it just
• 1:06:31
  Speaker 5: really like brings those thoughts out loud, which is awesome.
• 1:06:34
  Speaker 5: We're going to take a quick break and when we
• 1:06:36
  Speaker 5: come back, we're talking about perfectionism. You're listening to pod
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 5: We don't know.
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 3: Anything of them.
• 1:06:42
  Speaker 1: Today's episode is brought to you by Robert Brownie Junior Men's,
• 1:06:46
  Speaker 1: Kevin Chamberlain, Ben Stanley, Adam Hathaway, Dan Mark Live, Hey Yo,
• 1:06:52
  Speaker 1: Andrew Langley, chat Meg and build up rents and if
• 1:06:55
  Speaker 1: you would like to spouse the show, become a therap producer.
• 1:06:58
  Speaker 1: Pictureon dot com to get a tied up game. I'm
• 1:07:01
  Speaker 1: in the lad game, Jim. What do sweetish brides traditionally
• 1:07:06
  Speaker 1: wear in their shoes? It's for good luck. It's going
• 1:07:10
  Speaker 1: to be some kind of fish. Give me options.
• 1:07:12
  Speaker 2: It's going to be fish, a silver coin and a
• 1:07:15
  Speaker 2: gold coin, a four leaf clover. Oh that's not it,
• 1:07:19
  Speaker 2: a small fish, a spring of lavender.
• 1:07:24
  Speaker 1: I will take the fish. I knew you would, and
• 1:07:27
  Speaker 1: that's wrong. Fuck, it didn't even say small fish. Would
• 1:07:32
  Speaker 1: you put that in there? Yes, a piece of.
• 1:07:34
  Speaker 6: Ship's fucking rigged. You're the fucking worst. I trust you
• 1:07:42
  Speaker 6: to be an honest game master, and you're breaking against.
• 1:07:45
  Speaker 1: Me in a single moment that I thought a small
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 1: fish was on that computer screen. Ah, if it was
• 1:07:51
  Speaker 1: the right answer.
• 1:07:52
  Speaker 5: They're the sweet They fucking fish everything. They're they're constantly
• 1:07:56
  Speaker 5: throwing fish.
• 1:07:58
  Speaker 1: What do you think it is they smoke coin, the coins,
• 1:08:02
  Speaker 1: the silver coin, and yes it is congratulations Whitney during
• 1:08:10
  Speaker 1: a traditional Indian wedding.
• 1:08:11
  Speaker 3: The sorry.
• 1:08:16
  Speaker 1: Okay s A P T A p A d I
• 1:08:24
  Speaker 1: ritual involves what symbolic act are you gonna need? Options?
• 1:08:30
  Speaker 3: Options?
• 1:08:31
  Speaker 1: Tell me what you think it is.
• 1:08:32
  Speaker 3: First, there's definitely like a moment where they're sitting next
• 1:08:37
  Speaker 3: to each other on the ground, the bride and groom,
• 1:08:40
  Speaker 3: I don't know, go on.
• 1:08:41
  Speaker 2: Okay, it's the kama sutre, a couple taking seven steps together,
• 1:08:48
  Speaker 2: tying their hands with a silk scarf, feeding each other's sweets,
• 1:08:55
  Speaker 2: or the couple is definitely like sitting next to each other.
• 1:08:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, sitting next to each other on the ground or something.
• 1:09:12
  Speaker 3: I think it's the ribbon in the hands.
• 1:09:14
  Speaker 1: Yea, the solk scarf, silk scarf. Yes, no thrones, damn.
• 1:09:21
  Speaker 1: So your options are sitting next to each other on
• 1:09:23
  Speaker 1: the ground, a couple taking seven steps together. That one, Yes,
• 1:09:29
  Speaker 1: we're doing that. Yeah, I hope I get Jacob my
• 1:09:33
  Speaker 1: best shot.
• 1:09:33
  Speaker 2: All right, Jacob in a traditional Japanese right Jacob world
• 1:09:39
  Speaker 2: Japanese Shinto wedding.
• 1:09:41
  Speaker 4: What does that's where you have the box and has
• 1:09:44
  Speaker 4: like rice in one little spot. That's some sushi in
• 1:09:46
  Speaker 4: the spot.
• 1:09:48
  Speaker 3: Box. Wow culture gym.
• 1:09:51
  Speaker 1: A wedding sitting on the ground. The symbolize purity and
• 1:09:59
  Speaker 1: may hood. Yeah, you think it is first purity and maidenhood.
• 1:10:10
  Speaker 4: That is a they wear a vial of their ancestors
• 1:10:16
  Speaker 4: blood around their neck like.
• 1:10:19
  Speaker 1: Exactly like Billy Bob Thornton. Angelina and Joe Lee wearing
• 1:10:24
  Speaker 1: Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck. Final answer, next question.
• 1:10:30
  Speaker 1: Your options are a red kimono, a white hood, or
• 1:10:40
  Speaker 1: a ground a golden sash or the Billy Bob Thornton.
• 1:10:46
  Speaker 1: It's there, dude, right. I can't believe that's actually on
• 1:10:51
  Speaker 1: the list.
• 1:10:52
  Speaker 4: Of obvious surprising that actually made the list of options.
• 1:11:00
  Speaker 1: Golden sash.
• 1:11:02
  Speaker 5: No, I got white, I got red kimono, and we
• 1:11:09
  Speaker 5: already know that these luck Oh fuck white hood. Give
• 1:11:16
  Speaker 5: me the white hood. Since we already know the red
• 1:11:18
  Speaker 5: thing is associated with luck, it can't also be purity
• 1:11:21
  Speaker 5: because that would be silly.
• 1:11:22
  Speaker 4: I think Witney's getting a point on this, the white hood.
• 1:11:24
  Speaker 1: You can't have lucky purity.
• 1:11:26
  Speaker 3: No.
• 1:11:27
  Speaker 1: Uh, Jim's logic is sound. It is a white hood.
• 1:11:35
  Speaker 4: I didn't do white hood just because I was like
• 1:11:37
  Speaker 4: that the white as well golduns gold.
• 1:11:43
  Speaker 1: I liked your logic on that, but you're damn I'm awesome.
• 1:11:47
  Speaker 5: Perfectionism something I'm awesome at, Hi Gang. I wrote in
• 1:11:51
  Speaker 5: at the beginning of the year about leaving the family
• 1:11:54
  Speaker 5: business to move across the country and needed advice on
• 1:11:56
  Speaker 5: how to help my dad with the transition.
• 1:12:00
  Speaker 1: I remember that one was a good one.
• 1:12:01
  Speaker 5: There have been some pretty big changes since then. My
• 1:12:04
  Speaker 5: girlfriend was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder shortly after I
• 1:12:07
  Speaker 5: wrote in. Set the financial strain and gestures all around
• 1:12:11
  Speaker 5: everything else going on, we decided it might not be
• 1:12:15
  Speaker 5: the ideal time to make such a big move. That
• 1:12:17
  Speaker 5: did make me realize that even if we don't move,
• 1:12:20
  Speaker 5: I don't want to own a business. So I did
• 1:12:22
  Speaker 5: the aptitude test Jim had mentioned, and most of my
• 1:12:25
  Speaker 5: results came back in the science field. After thinking about
• 1:12:29
  Speaker 5: it for a couple of months, I decided to go
• 1:12:31
  Speaker 5: back to school online and joined a biology program where
• 1:12:34
  Speaker 5: I can get my bachelor's and master's degrees concurrently. Since
• 1:12:38
  Speaker 5: I already have a degree in an entirely different field,
• 1:12:41
  Speaker 5: all of my genet courses are complete and I should
• 1:12:44
  Speaker 5: be done with both in two to three years. Onto
• 1:12:47
  Speaker 5: the meat of the question. I started my courses at
• 1:12:50
  Speaker 5: the beginning of the summer with two easier classes to
• 1:12:53
  Speaker 5: get back into the groove of school since it's been
• 1:12:55
  Speaker 5: seven years since I graduated college the first time. Got
• 1:12:59
  Speaker 5: a plus's and felt great. For the fall semester, I
• 1:13:02
  Speaker 5: decided to double the classes so I could finish.
• 1:13:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, no, immediately, What are you doing?
• 1:13:07
  Speaker 5: I decided to double the classes so I could finish earlier,
• 1:13:11
  Speaker 5: and my dad has said, as long as my work
• 1:13:13
  Speaker 5: is done, I can study in the office. I took
• 1:13:16
  Speaker 5: my first bio course and statistics last session and noticed
• 1:13:20
  Speaker 5: that I was getting frustrated when I didn't get a
• 1:13:22
  Speaker 5: pluses on my assignments and exams. It started off as
• 1:13:25
  Speaker 5: a joke with my girlfriend and sister, like man, I
• 1:13:28
  Speaker 5: got a ninety six on my first exam, missed a
• 1:13:31
  Speaker 5: stupid question, might as well drop out. But then I
• 1:13:34
  Speaker 5: noticed I actually was upset that I didn't get a hundred.
• 1:13:37
  Speaker 1: This continued on for every exam. I'd get an A
• 1:13:41
  Speaker 1: or a minus, but would be annoyed it wasn't higher.
• 1:13:44
  Speaker 1: I know, I haven't been in school for years. I
• 1:13:46
  Speaker 1: haven't taken a biology course in like thirteen years, but
• 1:13:49
  Speaker 1: I was still putting a lot of pressure on myself.
• 1:13:53
  Speaker 1: I just felt that I had to have an A
• 1:13:55
  Speaker 1: plus when I finished the course. Growing up, my mom
• 1:13:58
  Speaker 1: always questioned B and a's when I got them. If
• 1:14:02
  Speaker 1: I got an anus and everyone else in the class
• 1:14:04
  Speaker 1: got c's or lower, I would explain that I got
• 1:14:07
  Speaker 1: the best grade in the class, which was always followed
• 1:14:09
  Speaker 1: up with I don't care what everyone else got, I
• 1:14:13
  Speaker 1: care about your grade. If I got a ninety six,
• 1:14:16
  Speaker 1: it was always followed up with, wys into ninety eight
• 1:14:19
  Speaker 1: or am if it's.
• 1:14:20
  Speaker 4: Not just school, or it's not just in school either.
• 1:14:23
  Speaker 5: The gym I go to is a part spin class,
• 1:14:26
  Speaker 5: and everyone's target ranges are on screens at the front
• 1:14:30
  Speaker 5: of the class. I'm always top three or four by
• 1:14:33
  Speaker 5: a good margin, but I honestly feel a little discouraged
• 1:14:36
  Speaker 5: if I'm not the very top. I used to do
• 1:14:39
  Speaker 5: woodworking in my spare time, but once I got good
• 1:14:42
  Speaker 5: enough that I was better than my dad or best employees,
• 1:14:45
  Speaker 5: I just kind of lost interest. I like to bake,
• 1:14:48
  Speaker 5: but I'm always so critical of the end result. Everyone
• 1:14:52
  Speaker 5: says the cookies I make are good, but I just
• 1:14:54
  Speaker 5: feel they're fine. I stopped playing tennis in high school
• 1:14:57
  Speaker 5: because I lost interest when I didn't make the starting See.
• 1:15:00
  Speaker 5: I didn't even attempt to try out for basketball in
• 1:15:03
  Speaker 5: high school because I knew I would most likely not
• 1:15:05
  Speaker 5: be a starter. I did end up completing my bio
• 1:15:09
  Speaker 5: one in Stat's classes with ninety nine percents, and am
• 1:15:12
  Speaker 5: very proud of that because I did work hard for it.
• 1:15:15
  Speaker 5: But how do I get better about being okay with
• 1:15:18
  Speaker 5: just being good or average. I don't need to have
• 1:15:22
  Speaker 5: the best grade in the class. I don't need to
• 1:15:24
  Speaker 5: be best at the gym. I go to the gym
• 1:15:26
  Speaker 5: to stay fit and healthy, and yes, challenging myself and
• 1:15:30
  Speaker 5: pushing myself as great. But I'm worried I'm doing it
• 1:15:33
  Speaker 5: too much. I should be able to get an A
• 1:15:35
  Speaker 5: on an exam and be very happy with that and
• 1:15:38
  Speaker 5: not be disappointed the rest of the night that it
• 1:15:40
  Speaker 5: wasn't higher. Hell, I should be happy if I get
• 1:15:43
  Speaker 5: a B considering I'm working kind of full time and
• 1:15:46
  Speaker 5: back in school as a thirty two year old. I
• 1:15:49
  Speaker 5: know intuitively and logically that I should be proud of
• 1:15:52
  Speaker 5: myself and happy with the results of my hobbies and schoolwork,
• 1:15:56
  Speaker 5: but I just struggles sometimes. My girlfriend has been calling
• 1:16:00
  Speaker 5: me out whenever I start to get too critical, and
• 1:16:01
  Speaker 5: she's been helping my me be content with how I am.
• 1:16:06
  Speaker 5: Any advice is much appreciated. Yes, girlfriend is doing well now.
• 1:16:10
  Speaker 5: She believes that she has the right medications dialed in
• 1:16:13
  Speaker 5: and she might get to spend a day every couple
• 1:16:16
  Speaker 5: of months sick. But it's much better now that they
• 1:16:18
  Speaker 5: actually have a diagnosis and they can treat her problem. Sincerely,
• 1:16:22
  Speaker 5: did my mom fuck me up at Yes?
• 1:16:26
  Speaker 1: All right, next question?
• 1:16:27
  Speaker 3: More you know the answer?
• 1:16:31
  Speaker 1: Nikes? Yeah, if you have to ask, probably.
• 1:16:35
  Speaker 3: Is it sad that, Like, as someone who's almost forty,
• 1:16:40
  Speaker 3: I feel like child get ready for a lot more
• 1:16:43
  Speaker 3: disappointment as you're like, oh the best that that like,
• 1:16:46
  Speaker 3: eventually there's the decline like as you age. So part
• 1:16:49
  Speaker 3: of me is like, I'm glad you're asking this question
• 1:16:52
  Speaker 3: because this is going to be something over the next
• 1:16:55
  Speaker 3: decade plus that it is going to be more challenging,
• 1:16:58
  Speaker 3: like not being the best version of yourself.
• 1:17:00
  Speaker 2: Basically just can't the thing I'm worried about too when
• 1:17:03
  Speaker 2: that happens, because if it happens, no, no, no, whenny
• 1:17:07
  Speaker 2: is right, I mean when we're talking like.
• 1:17:09
  Speaker 1: Spend class women, Jacob, Yeah, thank you.
• 1:17:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, when you're talking about spin class, you're going to
• 1:17:17
  Speaker 2: reach a point where things are just going to start
• 1:17:20
  Speaker 2: to go down. Like you know, I remember having not
• 1:17:24
  Speaker 2: played hockey in ten years and then getting back into
• 1:17:28
  Speaker 2: playing hockey in my late thirties and realizing that, like, oh,
• 1:17:35
  Speaker 2: you know, I can't keep up with these fucking kids.
• 1:17:37
  Speaker 3: Your body just doesn't do what your brain's telling it,
• 1:17:40
  Speaker 3: like just run or just yeah, there's a twenty one.
• 1:17:43
  Speaker 1: Year old, twenty two year old out there, and they've
• 1:17:45
  Speaker 1: got this little puppy energy that they just don't fucking
• 1:17:48
  Speaker 1: get tired. Then go one hundred percent and not get tired.
• 1:17:52
  Speaker 1: And like I, I like, I can put up a
• 1:17:55
  Speaker 1: good fight.
• 1:17:56
  Speaker 2: I can do some things that they can't do, but
• 1:17:58
  Speaker 2: when it comes to that, I can't compete, and it
• 1:18:00
  Speaker 2: is very frustrating. So the thing that I worry about
• 1:18:03
  Speaker 2: for you, writer or Adam I should say, is that
• 1:18:06
  Speaker 2: I think I don't want you to give up on
• 1:18:09
  Speaker 2: things that you enjoy just because you can't be the
• 1:18:12
  Speaker 2: best at them, right, Like if tennis was something that
• 1:18:15
  Speaker 2: you actually enjoyed, but you're like, oh, well, I'm not
• 1:18:18
  Speaker 2: going to be in the top seven, so I'm not
• 1:18:20
  Speaker 2: going to do it, or you know whatever. The thing
• 1:18:23
  Speaker 2: is like, you're going to have to at some point
• 1:18:25
  Speaker 2: find something that you can still value out of that
• 1:18:30
  Speaker 2: right so that you can still continue to do the
• 1:18:32
  Speaker 2: hobby and just be happy and accept where you're at.
• 1:18:37
  Speaker 3: I think the hard part is that it takes some
• 1:18:39
  Speaker 3: of the joy out of it for you when you're
• 1:18:41
  Speaker 3: not right. It's like not very like we enjoy things
• 1:18:45
  Speaker 3: that were good at as humans, and so when you're
• 1:18:48
  Speaker 3: I think what you're saying, Nick, is like, well, when
• 1:18:50
  Speaker 3: your bar of being good is one hundred percent or
• 1:18:53
  Speaker 3: like ninety eight to one hundred percent and not oh
• 1:18:56
  Speaker 3: eighty percent, and I still enjoyed that, right, then you're
• 1:18:59
  Speaker 3: your star to enter into problematic areas of like this is.
• 1:19:03
  Speaker 5: This is interesting, I think on both sides of it.
• 1:19:06
  Speaker 5: And actually, Nick, I want to put a pin in
• 1:19:08
  Speaker 5: a question I have for you, because you I the
• 1:19:12
  Speaker 5: way that you hobby is very different than the way
• 1:19:15
  Speaker 5: other people hobby. In my experience with you, you I
• 1:19:18
  Speaker 5: wouldn't go so far as to say you're perfectionistic about
• 1:19:21
  Speaker 5: it in a pathological way. I don't think that you
• 1:19:24
  Speaker 5: suffer because of the hobby and feel unhappy with the hobby.
• 1:19:28
  Speaker 1: Other people suffer because of my own exactly.
• 1:19:31
  Speaker 3: So that is where true.
• 1:19:32
  Speaker 5: It wouldn't it was not you know, yeah, perfectionist, but
• 1:19:36
  Speaker 5: it is much further than other people, Like I feel
• 1:19:40
  Speaker 5: like a lot of other people like I'm just going
• 1:19:41
  Speaker 5: to carve this pumpkin, and you're like, I am going
• 1:19:44
  Speaker 5: to learn how to carefully craft it, you know, the
• 1:19:48
  Speaker 5: fucking clown.
• 1:19:48
  Speaker 3: Monster pumpkins practice.
• 1:19:51
  Speaker 5: You know, it'd be like, oh, I'm gonna make a
• 1:19:52
  Speaker 5: T shirt for our show, and then you're like, I'm
• 1:19:54
  Speaker 5: going to master photoshop and like design from scratch, me
• 1:19:58
  Speaker 5: dunking on Jim and my balls in.
• 1:20:00
  Speaker 1: His mouth, and it's like, like, I don't know that
• 1:20:03
  Speaker 1: that was needed. A lot of people would have taken
• 1:20:05
  Speaker 1: the time. You know, it's it's not work if you
• 1:20:09
  Speaker 1: enjoy yourself.
• 1:20:10
  Speaker 5: But anyway, I want to come full circle to that
• 1:20:12
  Speaker 5: in a second to kind of, you know, go a
• 1:20:14
  Speaker 5: little bit deeper on that with you. But as a
• 1:20:17
  Speaker 5: as a parent, I've been uh in in the wrong
• 1:20:24
  Speaker 5: on this, you know, and like, and I can relate.
• 1:20:26
  Speaker 5: I don't like how Adam's mother was, but I think
• 1:20:30
  Speaker 5: For me, it's a cautionary tale that I have to
• 1:20:33
  Speaker 5: check in with to remember, like, hey man, this is
• 1:20:36
  Speaker 5: the kind of shit that can happen if you're too
• 1:20:39
  Speaker 5: tough on the kid. And like with my kids, like
• 1:20:42
  Speaker 5: you know, I'm very blessed. They're both, you know, just
• 1:20:44
  Speaker 5: gifted kids. They're really smart, take after their mother, thank god,
• 1:20:47
  Speaker 5: and like the expectations become really high because they're so capable,
• 1:20:52
  Speaker 5: and like I can tell when they're dialing, like when
• 1:20:54
  Speaker 5: they're they're grifting, like whenever they're just phoning it in,
• 1:20:57
  Speaker 5: because I know that's beneath their capability. And so it
• 1:21:00
  Speaker 5: doesn't have to do with how the other kids in
• 1:21:01
  Speaker 5: the class did.
• 1:21:03
  Speaker 1: Some of this I relate to.
• 1:21:04
  Speaker 5: It has to do with like, hey, you're capable of this,
• 1:21:07
  Speaker 5: and they'll be like, well, aren't you happy that I
• 1:21:09
  Speaker 5: got that this lower grade? And sometimes it's tough because
• 1:21:12
  Speaker 5: we'll have these big conversations where I'm like, if I
• 1:21:15
  Speaker 5: give the classic statement that I think we all heard
• 1:21:18
  Speaker 5: hopefully growing up, which is like if this is your
• 1:21:19
  Speaker 5: very best, then you get a C, then that's acceptable
• 1:21:23
  Speaker 5: and not more than that, I'm proud of you, Like
• 1:21:25
  Speaker 5: if you did your very best you left it all
• 1:21:26
  Speaker 5: on the field and you came home with a C
• 1:21:28
  Speaker 5: because this is not your subject or whatever. Not only
• 1:21:31
  Speaker 5: are you not in trouble, I am so proud of you,
• 1:21:33
  Speaker 5: I'm thrilled. Can you tell me that this grade i'm seeing,
• 1:21:37
  Speaker 5: this A or this B plus is your very best?
• 1:21:41
  Speaker 5: And you know that's a tough conversation where they're like,
• 1:21:42
  Speaker 5: all right, no it's not I cut corners, and it's
• 1:21:45
  Speaker 5: like okay, But then there's also this this slap yeah,
• 1:21:49
  Speaker 5: exactly backhanded, and then you get an open handed slap
• 1:21:51
  Speaker 5: yeah one or two as is tradition a mic check.
• 1:21:54
  Speaker 5: But like, as a parent, I have to check in
• 1:21:56
  Speaker 5: on that, right, because like that may not be correct
• 1:21:59
  Speaker 5: to put that much pressure on them and be like
• 1:22:00
  Speaker 5: you have to do your very best always should they
• 1:22:03
  Speaker 5: or should they do an efficient amount to accomplish what
• 1:22:05
  Speaker 5: needs to be accomplished, right, because like an A and
• 1:22:08
  Speaker 5: an A plus may carry the same exact GPA or whatever,
• 1:22:11
  Speaker 5: And it's like at some point there's this energy of
• 1:22:14
  Speaker 5: like I don't need to accomplish this more. I've I've
• 1:22:17
  Speaker 5: done what I came to do. I'm gonna pass, and
• 1:22:18
  Speaker 5: I'm going to pass well and like it's done, and
• 1:22:21
  Speaker 5: I got a perfect score on the AP test. Dad,
• 1:22:22
  Speaker 5: who gives a shit that I got an A minus
• 1:22:25
  Speaker 5: in the actual class. And it's like, well, I do,
• 1:22:26
  Speaker 5: because you could have gotten an A you know, or
• 1:22:27
  Speaker 5: whatever you gotta be plus, could have got an A minus.
• 1:22:29
  Speaker 5: It's like, dude, I got college credit. Like I did
• 1:22:31
  Speaker 5: what I showed up to do.
• 1:22:32
  Speaker 1: And so like, I guess I just.
• 1:22:33
  Speaker 5: Want to relate to this atom like from the other side,
• 1:22:36
  Speaker 5: and like take this as advisement to me that like
• 1:22:40
  Speaker 5: I could be creating those kinds of neurotic you know,
• 1:22:42
  Speaker 5: thinkings in my children, and you know, like could be probably, Am.
• 1:22:47
  Speaker 5: It's definitely a check in, you know kind of thing
• 1:22:49
  Speaker 5: where you kind of look at that and go fuck
• 1:22:51
  Speaker 5: like And it's tough because and I like this spirit
• 1:22:54
  Speaker 5: that you have, Adam, that you're a competitive person, that
• 1:22:56
  Speaker 5: you want to do things extremely well. I think those
• 1:22:59
  Speaker 5: are one traits, but it also seems to cause you
• 1:23:03
  Speaker 5: quite a bit of suffering to the point where you
• 1:23:05
  Speaker 5: can't enjoy those things, and you don't feel a sense
• 1:23:07
  Speaker 5: of accomplishment, and you can't relax and appreciate your victories
• 1:23:12
  Speaker 5: because you always think of what more victory you could
• 1:23:14
  Speaker 5: have that seems dangerous. So I guess I just want
• 1:23:18
  Speaker 5: to reflect on the fact that, like I feel chastened
• 1:23:20
  Speaker 5: by this letter a little bit, and that I think
• 1:23:23
  Speaker 5: it's really important to think about this kind of thing.
• 1:23:26
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I think doing your best. When I've worked
• 1:23:30
  Speaker 3: with clients or friends who struggle with this kind of mentality,
• 1:23:33
  Speaker 3: it's my go to is usually it's a lot of
• 1:23:37
  Speaker 3: self talk, but it's a lot of setting that expectation
• 1:23:40
  Speaker 3: appropriately to where we're able to Gosh, I don't want
• 1:23:47
  Speaker 3: to say right size because more than that, it's more like, yeah,
• 1:23:51
  Speaker 3: kind of like the self talk this is this is okay?
• 1:23:53
  Speaker 3: Or what's that saying? Like don't let.
• 1:23:56
  Speaker 1: Perfection the enemy of progress?
• 1:23:58
  Speaker 3: Good or progress or yeah, Like I think that going
• 1:24:06
  Speaker 3: into I know, we kind of just touched on this
• 1:24:08
  Speaker 3: on a different you know, letter a moment ago, but
• 1:24:11
  Speaker 3: going into an activity almost sort of verbally like talking
• 1:24:15
  Speaker 3: through this to yourself. So you're going to do a
• 1:24:17
  Speaker 3: paint class like Gym won't do before he turns forty.
• 1:24:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's easy.
• 1:24:22
  Speaker 4: You go in.
• 1:24:22
  Speaker 3: And that is a tough one. I noticed, like with
• 1:24:25
  Speaker 3: high competitiveness, with fear of like fucking up going into
• 1:24:33
  Speaker 3: like art.
• 1:24:33
  Speaker 1: Oh, painting drives me crazy.
• 1:24:35
  Speaker 3: It's the worst.
• 1:24:36
  Speaker 5: I'm so scared and I just watch other people just like, oh,
• 1:24:39
  Speaker 5: let's just go for it. You know, there's a grab
• 1:24:40
  Speaker 5: of color and they go and I'm so scared to
• 1:24:42
  Speaker 5: make the first mark do it?
• 1:24:44
  Speaker 3: Like what I it's okay, this is like a side tangent,
• 1:24:48
  Speaker 3: but one of the one of the first times, maybe
• 1:24:50
  Speaker 3: the first little painting I ever did, like you know,
• 1:24:52
  Speaker 3: a fucking decade ago. It was paint these three wine
• 1:24:56
  Speaker 3: glasses so it's like a yellow background and then there's
• 1:24:59
  Speaker 3: like a tall champagne flute, like a white wine and
• 1:25:01
  Speaker 3: a red wine.
• 1:25:02
  Speaker 1: So that was it.
• 1:25:03
  Speaker 3: I'm not kidding you. A girl that we went with,
• 1:25:04
  Speaker 3: there was like four of us. I hadn't met her
• 1:25:07
  Speaker 3: before my first time meeting her, I knew we had
• 1:25:09
  Speaker 3: a mutual friend. And by the time we're done, I
• 1:25:11
  Speaker 3: was like, oh, how's y'all looking. This bitch had a
• 1:25:15
  Speaker 3: hand cutting a glass of wine that was pouring the
• 1:25:18
  Speaker 3: wine out like she just created her own fuck And
• 1:25:20
  Speaker 3: she's like, yeesn't this like fun? And I was like,
• 1:25:23
  Speaker 3: with my like stick figure wine glasses, I was like, okay, yeah.
• 1:25:28
  Speaker 4: You.
• 1:25:30
  Speaker 3: When I went, there's some yellow. It's like a little janky,
• 1:25:37
  Speaker 3: like off centered wine Golt Like, oh my gosh. I
• 1:25:40
  Speaker 3: was like, wow, your mind just works so differently than
• 1:25:43
  Speaker 3: But that's just a funny story. But my my basically
• 1:25:47
  Speaker 3: sister in law, it's funny. She's an artist, true and true,
• 1:25:50
  Speaker 3: like through and through. And my my brother in law
• 1:25:53
  Speaker 3: is like he we did an art project together when
• 1:25:57
  Speaker 3: they were visiting us in Vegas and he was so stuck.
• 1:26:01
  Speaker 3: He's like, I hate art. I hate doing this. And
• 1:26:02
  Speaker 3: I'm like, you just hate it because you don't want
• 1:26:04
  Speaker 3: to be bad at it. Yeah, but art isn't bad.
• 1:26:07
  Speaker 4: And like we're going to do his roll our naked
• 1:26:10
  Speaker 4: bodies and paint and then roll around on this giant canvas.
• 1:26:13
  Speaker 3: There's a lot of body.
• 1:26:15
  Speaker 1: We can't sit behind you, and we're gonna mold this pot.
• 1:26:18
  Speaker 1: I know. We're just together.
• 1:26:20
  Speaker 3: So yeah, you're like looking at this objects like I
• 1:26:23
  Speaker 3: want to paint this object good, but you're like, no,
• 1:26:26
  Speaker 3: this can be abstract.
• 1:26:27
  Speaker 1: It's not the same movie. It's dirty dancing. Right as
• 1:26:32
  Speaker 1: soon as you hit the first note, I was like, Nope,
• 1:26:34
  Speaker 1: that's dancing.
• 1:26:36
  Speaker 3: Patrick.
• 1:26:39
  Speaker 1: I think it's big old Berg. What he was here,
• 1:26:44
  Speaker 1: he was a ghost ship, nobody in a corner. It's
• 1:26:53
  Speaker 1: all the same movie. They're all the Roadhouse.
• 1:26:58
  Speaker 4: That's part of it.
• 1:27:00
  Speaker 1: I mean kind of every action movie is road Out.
• 1:27:04
  Speaker 3: But I feel like art is a wonderful thing to
• 1:27:07
  Speaker 3: really stretch that muscle of trying something and imperfectly, imperfectly
• 1:27:13
  Speaker 3: Like so, yeah, I don't know, A tiny part of
• 1:27:15
  Speaker 3: me is like start somewhere that you know you're I
• 1:27:18
  Speaker 3: don't know if you actually you're good at art or not,
• 1:27:20
  Speaker 3: but most people who are in that perfectionist realm do
• 1:27:23
  Speaker 3: not do well with art.
• 1:27:25
  Speaker 2: So to tie it back into Jim's thing that you
• 1:27:29
  Speaker 2: wanted to come back to, that's exactly why that happens, okay, right,
• 1:27:33
  Speaker 2: Like why if we're creating a T shirt, why I
• 1:27:35
  Speaker 2: then learn how to use Adobe Illustrator, Right, Because I
• 1:27:39
  Speaker 2: don't want to fuck up this T shirt.
• 1:27:41
  Speaker 1: I want this T shirt to be something really good therapy.
• 1:27:46
  Speaker 3: So they won't think Nick is bad being a T shirt.
• 1:27:49
  Speaker 4: About that I don't know what.
• 1:27:50
  Speaker 1: I don't know what it is because I don't feel
• 1:27:53
  Speaker 1: like it's about like this represents my work.
• 1:27:57
  Speaker 4: That other people are going to take part in. They're
• 1:28:00
  Speaker 4: going to uh you know, uh, why are you purchase it?
• 1:28:04
  Speaker 4: You'll wear it around presumably like you want it to
• 1:28:07
  Speaker 4: be as good as you can make it.
• 1:28:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I want it to be of the quality that
• 1:28:10
  Speaker 1: they could get at any other T shirt place, right, right,
• 1:28:14
  Speaker 1: So I wanted to be on par with what you
• 1:28:17
  Speaker 1: do this with everything though, like music.
• 1:28:19
  Speaker 5: You'll do this with music, where like you'll get really
• 1:28:22
  Speaker 5: deep into like actually the intricacies of things, and like
• 1:28:25
  Speaker 5: you'll learn multiple instruments, and like it's a lot like
• 1:28:28
  Speaker 5: you'll just do you go, you go deeper. I just
• 1:28:31
  Speaker 5: assume it's autism. I mean, I never really thought much
• 1:28:33
  Speaker 5: more than that could be.
• 1:28:36
  Speaker 3: I literally say that about my brother law. I was like,
• 1:28:39
  Speaker 3: I might be on the spectrum, but that's just a little.
• 1:28:45
  Speaker 1: Nicks tangent as they called them back in the day.
• 1:28:49
  Speaker 4: You don't.
• 1:28:49
  Speaker 5: You don't do it in a perfectionistic way. But no,
• 1:28:51
  Speaker 5: I mean it's a thorough way. I would say, you're
• 1:28:53
  Speaker 5: very thorough.
• 1:28:54
  Speaker 1: You don't.
• 1:28:54
  Speaker 5: And I'm sure there's many things you take a passing
• 1:28:56
  Speaker 5: interest in that you're not really you know, you don't
• 1:28:58
  Speaker 5: go deeper into, but a lot of that I see
• 1:29:00
  Speaker 5: you pick up his hobbies. You'll go pretty far into it,
• 1:29:03
  Speaker 5: like you play a video game that you've never played
• 1:29:06
  Speaker 5: the video game because you were still like reading the
• 1:29:07
  Speaker 5: goddamn Users Manual for like a month.
• 1:29:10
  Speaker 1: I did finally play that.
• 1:29:13
  Speaker 4: He almost played that video game that was that was Madden,
• 1:29:16
  Speaker 4: and so I finally played a whole season.
• 1:29:19
  Speaker 2: But then after that, then I got really into contract
• 1:29:21
  Speaker 2: negotiations because I don't want it to like the season. Yeah,
• 1:29:26
  Speaker 2: I was doing a franchise thing. Yeah, he became more
• 1:29:30
  Speaker 2: of a GM. Yeah he's doing trades. It's really more
• 1:29:32
  Speaker 2: about the GM role than the coach. I'll get through
• 1:29:36
  Speaker 2: the season just to get to the office.
• 1:29:38
  Speaker 1: Have you seen Draft Day with Kevin Costner? No? Love that?
• 1:29:42
  Speaker 3: Oh?
• 1:29:43
  Speaker 1: I probably that's that's worth a watch. It's not. I mean,
• 1:29:47
  Speaker 1: I guess I've never seen the movie, but i've seen
• 1:29:49
  Speaker 1: I've seen the clip at the end of the movie
• 1:29:51
  Speaker 1: where it's like the big coach climax movie. I can't
• 1:29:54
  Speaker 1: watch it because I've seen a finale, you know, like
• 1:29:56
  Speaker 1: I know how it ends. And he almost completed his
• 1:29:59
  Speaker 1: forty before for yeah. See, I do not struggle with
• 1:30:02
  Speaker 1: perfectionism at all.
• 1:30:03
  Speaker 4: I am the cure.
• 1:30:06
  Speaker 1: We can see your mustage.
• 1:30:09
  Speaker 3: One of them was like shave your face, like you
• 1:30:11
  Speaker 3: could do that.
• 1:30:12
  Speaker 1: I'm over it. I don't care about that. We can
• 1:30:14
  Speaker 1: do that on the air right now.
• 1:30:15
  Speaker 4: I'm glad it against your will.
• 1:30:21
  Speaker 5: Take us reaching for a giant knife. You're not even
• 1:30:25
  Speaker 5: gonna use it. Jesus Christ, there you go. You're gonna
• 1:30:28
  Speaker 5: switch This is why they're video video just pulls.
• 1:30:34
  Speaker 1: Out a butterfly knife. But what out the front knife?
• 1:30:40
  Speaker 1: I think it's switchblade? Is that is that called switch? Switchblade?
• 1:30:43
  Speaker 1: Flips up? Yeah?
• 1:30:45
  Speaker 5: So anyway, writer, you know, I guess. I mean, on
• 1:30:47
  Speaker 5: one hand, I think that this is an admirable quality.
• 1:30:50
  Speaker 5: You seem like somebody who is thorough about things. Some
• 1:30:52
  Speaker 5: of this I think is adjacent to like that feeling
• 1:30:55
  Speaker 5: that we see sometimes in therapy where if I don't
• 1:30:57
  Speaker 5: do it well, it invalidates this being done at all.
• 1:31:01
  Speaker 5: So like if somebody's gonna go back to school or
• 1:31:03
  Speaker 5: something like that, it's like I have to crush this
• 1:31:05
  Speaker 5: to validate me doing this, Like I need my spouse
• 1:31:07
  Speaker 5: to root for me and my parents to validate this.
• 1:31:10
  Speaker 5: I need everybody to see me as a future biologist.
• 1:31:12
  Speaker 5: So I need to fucking crush this the way everybody
• 1:31:15
  Speaker 5: believes this is not a joke, right, Like.
• 1:31:17
  Speaker 4: I don't even know if it's so much.
• 1:31:20
  Speaker 2: I don't know, because like I could the I can
• 1:31:22
  Speaker 2: relate to some of this, but I don't think it's
• 1:31:24
  Speaker 2: so much about other people.
• 1:31:25
  Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, like for me, it wouldn't even be like
• 1:31:28
  Speaker 1: if other people never saw the work. Okay, yeah, you
• 1:31:31
  Speaker 1: know it's just like I know I can do better, right,
• 1:31:34
  Speaker 1: and so I need to do better.
• 1:31:36
  Speaker 4: Yeah what if no one else ever saw nick shirt designs? Yeah,
• 1:31:41
  Speaker 4: it would be a bigger waste of time than it's been.
• 1:31:44
  Speaker 4: I've created a lot of T shirts. I was about
• 1:31:46
  Speaker 4: to say, who file that nobody's ever seen?
• 1:31:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, what if it's not that you can do better?
• 1:31:53
  Speaker 3: Like using the cycling example that the writer or Adam said, Uh,
• 1:31:59
  Speaker 3: what if that just you cycled your little heart out
• 1:32:02
  Speaker 3: and you still got fourth or fifth or whatever in
• 1:32:05
  Speaker 3: the class.
• 1:32:06
  Speaker 4: Like remember one time at the at the gym, I
• 1:32:09
  Speaker 4: was on an elliptical machine. This sound this is stupid,
• 1:32:12
  Speaker 4: but I promise it ties back in. I was on
• 1:32:14
  Speaker 4: an elliptical machine and it said it had a thing
• 1:32:16
  Speaker 4: on there. Uh you know it was uh, I'm running.
• 1:32:19
  Speaker 3: You know.
• 1:32:20
  Speaker 4: It's one of thoselyptical machines where you can run on
• 1:32:21
  Speaker 4: it without saving your knees and whatever. It's like a StairMaster,
• 1:32:25
  Speaker 4: yeah kind of yeah, but without the up and down.
• 1:32:26
  Speaker 4: It's just back and forth whatever. And so I'm on
• 1:32:29
  Speaker 4: this thing, uh, working out on it. And then at
• 1:32:32
  Speaker 4: the end of my workout, I noticed a thing in
• 1:32:35
  Speaker 4: the in the menu where you can do like a
• 1:32:37
  Speaker 4: fitness test. Oh, and it will grade you A through
• 1:32:41
  Speaker 4: F on your fitness rink taking yours. And I was like, oh,
• 1:32:50
  Speaker 4: I've had a I've done a full workout today. I
• 1:32:52
  Speaker 4: am pretty tired. But let's see, let's see what this is.
• 1:32:55
  Speaker 4: And it turns out it takes like fifteen minutes. And
• 1:32:58
  Speaker 4: it really was. It was It was ill advised, especially
• 1:33:04
  Speaker 4: at the end of the day. Yeah, I'm like doing it.
• 1:33:07
  Speaker 4: I'm I'm running, I'm and I'm I'm like, I'm gonna
• 1:33:11
  Speaker 4: put it all. I'm gonna I'm gonna really do this
• 1:33:13
  Speaker 4: and see how it comes out. And so I'm like
• 1:33:16
  Speaker 4: on this thing, running as hard as I can run
• 1:33:20
  Speaker 4: for the fifteen minutes or whatever it is. And uh,
• 1:33:23
  Speaker 4: at the end of it, it pops up and says
• 1:33:27
  Speaker 4: and at the end of it, by the way, I
• 1:33:29
  Speaker 4: was like I fucking rocked that. Okay, yeah, great, like
• 1:33:35
  Speaker 4: I got through the whole thing. I'm running hard the
• 1:33:38
  Speaker 4: whole way. That felt like that felt really good, Like
• 1:33:42
  Speaker 4: I just really accomplished this. That was great.
• 1:33:44
  Speaker 1: Didn't drop my cigarette once pops up on the screen.
• 1:33:50
  Speaker 1: You got a d oh oh the fuck? Oh oh,
• 1:33:57
  Speaker 1: I guess I guess it wasn't as nothing is worse
• 1:34:03
  Speaker 1: than failing when you tried your absolute artists.
• 1:34:06
  Speaker 4: I feel like you did good right, Like imagine if
• 1:34:09
  Speaker 4: you baked a pot, it came out of the oven.
• 1:34:12
  Speaker 4: You were like I baked the ship.
• 1:34:14
  Speaker 1: It cut into it. People die.
• 1:34:18
  Speaker 5: Yeah, okay, okay, serious, it's your wedding night in Indianapolis,
• 1:34:23
  Speaker 5: and you just give it all you've got. All right,
• 1:34:26
  Speaker 5: You're throwing your hips into this. I mean, you're just
• 1:34:28
  Speaker 5: everything in the book. And then later, wow it is
• 1:34:33
  Speaker 5: a good first go you're like that was everything I had, Yeah,
• 1:34:36
  Speaker 5: all of it.
• 1:34:36
  Speaker 3: I feel like that's where it gets challenging. It's like, Okay,
• 1:34:40
  Speaker 3: maybe you're like, oh, I could have done better. I
• 1:34:41
  Speaker 3: could have studied photoshop longer if you're NI or whatever.
• 1:34:44
  Speaker 4: But it's tough when you're like, no, I couldn't have
• 1:34:46
  Speaker 4: done better, right, that was it. That was one hundred
• 1:34:49
  Speaker 4: percent of what I can do, and it got me
• 1:34:52
  Speaker 4: a C, you got me a D, you got.
• 1:34:54
  Speaker 1: Me an F. Whatever.
• 1:34:55
  Speaker 3: So, for example, say someone was like learning to play guitar,
• 1:34:59
  Speaker 3: and you're like, all right, I've been playing guitar since
• 1:35:02
  Speaker 3: I was a teenager. And then you know what, I'm
• 1:35:04
  Speaker 3: like a young adult and here I am playing guitar
• 1:35:06
  Speaker 3: and I'm like practicing, I learn a few more songs,
• 1:35:08
  Speaker 3: and then you're like, oh my gosh, well I haven't
• 1:35:10
  Speaker 3: played guitar. I like can't play all these other songs,
• 1:35:12
  Speaker 3: and so I'm just not going to play. And you're like, well,
• 1:35:15
  Speaker 3: what's what's the goal? Like you want to be the
• 1:35:18
  Speaker 3: best guitar player? Like where's the bar? You know what
• 1:35:21
  Speaker 3: I mean? Something like that is super ambiguous where.
• 1:35:23
  Speaker 5: It's just like I can agree with some of that though,
• 1:35:26
  Speaker 5: Like I'm I know I'm not going to make the
• 1:35:28
  Speaker 5: starter basketball team, so I think I'm going to bow
• 1:35:30
  Speaker 5: out on this one, Like I don't want to try
• 1:35:32
  Speaker 5: if I'm going to be on the bench. Some of
• 1:35:34
  Speaker 5: that just becomes an efficiency play that I'm fine with.
• 1:35:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah, fine, if you don't want to spend.
• 1:35:40
  Speaker 1: Take the class.
• 1:35:40
  Speaker 4: You know, yeah, you go join a rec league basketball
• 1:35:43
  Speaker 4: team instead of joining the school team or something like that.
• 1:35:44
  Speaker 1: That does make sense.
• 1:35:46
  Speaker 5: So I don't necessarily think all of this is wrong,
• 1:35:48
  Speaker 5: but I mean it is interesting that the writer is
• 1:35:51
  Speaker 5: at this place where it's like a ninety nine percent.
• 1:35:55
  Speaker 5: But then part of me kind of does understand that.
• 1:35:57
  Speaker 5: God damn it. Like, I mean, what did I miss
• 1:35:59
  Speaker 5: one question? Like one assignment? Yeah, like so it's the
• 1:36:03
  Speaker 5: same thing like the other day. Uh, this is probably
• 1:36:08
  Speaker 5: about a month ago. But I had a really good
• 1:36:11
  Speaker 5: round of golf.
• 1:36:13
  Speaker 1: Here we go, and I just got through the whole show.
• 1:36:16
  Speaker 4: I shot a golf earlier, so like a okay, no,
• 1:36:21
  Speaker 4: plus seventy out of one hundred.
• 1:36:23
  Speaker 1: I was, I was three. I was three over par
• 1:36:25
  Speaker 1: on the day.
• 1:36:26
  Speaker 3: Is that an A A A A plus A plus
• 1:36:28
  Speaker 3: like sixteen okay, well yeah for you A plus plus. Yeah.
• 1:36:32
  Speaker 4: I mean Tiger used to be under par all the time. Yeah,
• 1:36:37
  Speaker 4: he's always he's almost always under par.
• 1:36:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you were over par. You said that's over over
• 1:36:44
  Speaker 1: the goal, isn't it? All I know is I'm the
• 1:36:45
  Speaker 1: best in this room. That's really what I w That's okay,
• 1:36:51
  Speaker 1: but got it. No, But like in a way that
• 1:36:54
  Speaker 1: was kind of like the worst thing that could have
• 1:36:55
  Speaker 1: happened to me, because yes, because I know what I'm
• 1:37:02
  Speaker 1: capable of.
• 1:37:03
  Speaker 3: Isn't that the problem with golf? It's like like slots wins.
• 1:37:06
  Speaker 3: You trying to do things and sometimes you do them well,
• 1:37:11
  Speaker 3: and then you're like, it's the.
• 1:37:14
  Speaker 1: Problem with doing things? Yeah, don't do like I think.
• 1:37:17
  Speaker 3: That's like if you do it wrong, why I keep
• 1:37:20
  Speaker 3: doing Yeah?
• 1:37:22
  Speaker 1: But you can do it wrong and still enjoy it. Yeah,
• 1:37:24
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry.
• 1:37:24
  Speaker 3: If I right the one time, then I can't I'll
• 1:37:28
  Speaker 3: never chieve that again.
• 1:37:29
  Speaker 1: So why expecting this every time? The worst one to
• 1:37:35
  Speaker 1: finish wins? I had a great time. You good time
• 1:37:43
  Speaker 1: was had by all the people that I've spoken to,
• 1:37:46
  Speaker 1: which is.
• 1:37:50
  Speaker 3: Basically just think adjusting expectations and really really really working
• 1:37:54
  Speaker 3: at that, because it took a long time of your
• 1:37:57
  Speaker 3: mom telling you all throughout any grade you ever got,
• 1:38:00
  Speaker 3: for twelve years or whatever that you're in school, telling
• 1:38:03
  Speaker 3: you that, I don't know, does she still tell you that?
• 1:38:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah? Is there a part of you writer though, that
• 1:38:08
  Speaker 1: doesn't want to change this, okay, that enjoys the fact
• 1:38:12
  Speaker 1: that you're like makes you special? Figorisk for this and
• 1:38:15
  Speaker 1: you try your best. Yeah, because there's a part of
• 1:38:17
  Speaker 1: me too that like if I could change that quality
• 1:38:19
  Speaker 1: about myself, would I change it?
• 1:38:21
  Speaker 4: And I don't think I.
• 1:38:22
  Speaker 1: Would write no you.
• 1:38:23
  Speaker 3: I think someone said one of y'all said this earlier,
• 1:38:25
  Speaker 3: where it's like, wow, it's actually in a lot of
• 1:38:27
  Speaker 3: ways there's a good outcome from it, like you make
• 1:38:30
  Speaker 3: really good grades or hard work, or you're fit, you're healthy,
• 1:38:33
  Speaker 3: Like there are positive outcomes from this thing that feels
• 1:38:37
  Speaker 3: maybe like tormenting sometimes, but I think it's good to
• 1:38:40
  Speaker 3: see both sides that I feel like mental health nowadays
• 1:38:44
  Speaker 3: turns it For younger people that I meet with, it's
• 1:38:46
  Speaker 3: like I can't have this mental health struggle, like let
• 1:38:49
  Speaker 3: me get rid of it. And sometimes I'm like, okay,
• 1:38:52
  Speaker 3: we can maybe like cope, but not all of us
• 1:38:55
  Speaker 3: have mental health shit, like we don't have to get
• 1:38:57
  Speaker 3: rid of everything. We can like manage it.
• 1:38:59
  Speaker 1: Or you're on to a really good point.
• 1:39:03
  Speaker 5: I'm seeing in popular media there's this overcorrection that anything
• 1:39:06
  Speaker 5: that is all uncomfortable for your mental health abandon it.
• 1:39:10
  Speaker 5: And so it's like, oh, you got this class, like
• 1:39:12
  Speaker 5: you know what you thought you needed to do better
• 1:39:13
  Speaker 5: and you didn't do that good quit the class, you know,
• 1:39:16
  Speaker 5: like you shouldn't live with that suffering. And it's like, no,
• 1:39:18
  Speaker 5: sometimes you're supposed to feel the discomfort of failure. It's
• 1:39:20
  Speaker 5: supposed to bother you, and it causes you to excel.
• 1:39:23
  Speaker 5: You missed an expectation. But there's a lot of people
• 1:39:26
  Speaker 5: like I'm gonna quit this job because my boss wants
• 1:39:27
  Speaker 5: me to do things, you know, or like it's unreasonable
• 1:39:30
  Speaker 5: that everybody. And it's like there's an interesting counterbalance between
• 1:39:33
  Speaker 5: like an unreasonable expectation that's becoming pathologically bad for you
• 1:39:37
  Speaker 5: and toxic versus like a reality that you must face
• 1:39:41
  Speaker 5: and if you want to become a scientist or a
• 1:39:43
  Speaker 5: doctor or whatever that you know, this writer's working on
• 1:39:46
  Speaker 5: excellence is going to help.
• 1:39:47
  Speaker 1: Like that's fine. And so the fact that you have
• 1:39:49
  Speaker 1: a like.
• 1:39:49
  Speaker 5: A really high standard and you want better for yourself,
• 1:39:53
  Speaker 5: that is probably a good thing. I think Nick brings
• 1:39:55
  Speaker 5: up a good point.
• 1:39:56
  Speaker 4: Would you cure this if you could, you know, it's
• 1:39:58
  Speaker 4: a good question. Or do we just want to be
• 1:40:00
  Speaker 4: able to bake a pie and be happy with our pie, Like.
• 1:40:02
  Speaker 3: I'm gonna bring my pie on my first ever baked pie.
• 1:40:04
  Speaker 3: I got some recipes on discord.
• 1:40:06
  Speaker 1: Really proud of you, man, I'm gonna sit on it.
• 1:40:08
  Speaker 1: There it is, okay. I'm just really proud of us
• 1:40:14
  Speaker 1: all that none of us took that obvious the obvious
• 1:40:17
  Speaker 1: move was there, and just we're better than that. I'm
• 1:40:19
  Speaker 1: not putting that pie in my mouth. There it is, there,
• 1:40:22
  Speaker 1: it is. Oh man, we're going quick when up there
• 1:40:27
  Speaker 1: from Joe you are listening to pod therapy today, Robert
• 1:40:36
  Speaker 1: Brownie Lansbury, Kevin Chamberlain, Ben Stanley out of Half Away,
• 1:40:40
  Speaker 1: Dan Martin Live. Hey, yo, Andrew might need Chad, Meghan Angel,
• 1:40:44
  Speaker 1: the Prince and if you would like to sponsor the show,
• 1:40:46
  Speaker 1: become a therapist. It is a perfect and which they
• 1:40:58
  Speaker 1: wear red at their weddings.
• 1:40:59
  Speaker 4: That's what I've heard for period and or luck I
• 1:41:02
  Speaker 4: don't know, and a fish in their boot, as has
• 1:41:05
  Speaker 4: been said by many a scholar.
• 1:41:06
  Speaker 1: Do you have more questions? Have a tie breaker? Yeah?
• 1:41:09
  Speaker 1: But we okay, yeah, we got to finish this. I
• 1:41:12
  Speaker 1: should just leave like this. Should we just do one question? Yeah?
• 1:41:17
  Speaker 1: One question? No options, no pass? No pass?
• 1:41:21
  Speaker 4: Yeah, Jim's question he gets it right or not question?
• 1:41:25
  Speaker 4: But I'll do my questions. Okay, Yeah, but which no options.
• 1:41:29
  Speaker 4: In which country do newly weeds traditionally plant a tree
• 1:41:32
  Speaker 4: together to symbolize growing love?
• 1:41:35
  Speaker 1: And so many countries. That's not fair.
• 1:41:39
  Speaker 4: It's a lot.
• 1:41:40
  Speaker 1: It's still technically a multiple choice question.
• 1:41:43
  Speaker 4: But I feel like you know that I need options
• 1:41:46
  Speaker 4: because I can't name a lot of countries I know,
• 1:41:48
  Speaker 4: like four. Are we okay with me having options on this? No?
• 1:41:53
  Speaker 1: God damn it. A country in which people plant you're.
• 1:41:57
  Speaker 3: As likely to get it as Yeah, I don't know
• 1:42:00
  Speaker 3: the answer. I have a.
• 1:42:01
  Speaker 1: Country that people plant a tree. It ain't gonna be
• 1:42:06
  Speaker 1: Nevada because we know.
• 1:42:07
  Speaker 3: Because you've noticed you don't like trees. Uh, definitely be.
• 1:42:14
  Speaker 1: Mexico. Yeah, no, fucking way, it's really Mexico. Mexican.
• 1:42:24
  Speaker 3: I want to go after that there?
• 1:42:30
  Speaker 4: Serious, are you with me? No?
• 1:42:31
  Speaker 1: It's not Mexican. I like, actually, Mexico.
• 1:42:38
  Speaker 4: Is it really? No?
• 1:42:43
  Speaker 1: It seriously?
• 1:42:43
  Speaker 4: Is you do this? You can't do it?
• 1:42:48
  Speaker 1: It is Mexico. Is it really two points for you?
• 1:42:54
  Speaker 1: All right? Is it really Mexico? No? No, it is Mexico.
• 1:43:00
  Speaker 3: Can't. You're taking the joy away? And I love hipping away?
• 1:43:06
  Speaker 1: Alright, moving on, Whitney doesn't You'll never know the current
• 1:43:12
  Speaker 1: score to do I have two points points? Okay, that's
• 1:43:14
  Speaker 1: all I care about. Don't care if right wrong? What
• 1:43:17
  Speaker 1: those points?
• 1:43:17
  Speaker 4: Wait?
• 1:43:17
  Speaker 1: Do you have two additional points? Yes? Okay, so I'm
• 1:43:20
  Speaker 1: at four? Does you have two points as a result
• 1:43:22
  Speaker 1: of saying the word Mexican? Yes? Okay, excellent? Oh my god.
• 1:43:30
  Speaker 2: In Scotland, what messy pre wedding ritual involves covering the
• 1:43:35
  Speaker 2: bride and groom in a substance like flower feathers or
• 1:43:39
  Speaker 2: fish cuts.
• 1:43:40
  Speaker 1: Pre there it is. It's called the blanketing, the blackening.
• 1:43:51
  Speaker 3: What was involved in what they put on them? Can
• 1:43:53
  Speaker 3: you repeat that? Uh?
• 1:43:55
  Speaker 1: Substances like flower feathers.
• 1:43:58
  Speaker 3: Or fish cuts, blanketing, the the covering, the shower, showering,
• 1:44:06
  Speaker 3: the quickening, the showering. Let go is showering.
• 1:44:13
  Speaker 1: But Jim was actually right, it's the blackening? My god?
• 1:44:19
  Speaker 1: What is happening? Was was he really right? We need
• 1:44:21
  Speaker 1: to go? It isn't it is? Yes, it's called the blackening.
• 1:44:27
  Speaker 1: It is, dude, What the fuck is?
• 1:44:31
  Speaker 3: You should have played the lottery?
• 1:44:32
  Speaker 1: You're racing go to state line right now, like I
• 1:44:36
  Speaker 1: need lotto tickets.
• 1:44:38
  Speaker 3: I am there's no lottering about it.
• 1:44:41
  Speaker 4: It is no.
• 1:44:44
  Speaker 1: I can love What is the real answer, Jacob, It's
• 1:44:51
  Speaker 1: just it's all right, Jacob.
• 1:44:57
  Speaker 2: In traditional Jewish weddings, what does the groom do at
• 1:45:00
  Speaker 2: the end of the ceremony to symbolize the destruction of
• 1:45:03
  Speaker 2: the Temple in Jerusalem?
• 1:45:05
  Speaker 1: And how many points do I get if I get
• 1:45:07
  Speaker 1: this right to too? Only two? Yeah, you don't deserve
• 1:45:12
  Speaker 1: the two? Yes, it is only two? Easiest fuck question.
• 1:45:16
  Speaker 4: Uh. They smear black tar and others and fish cuts
• 1:45:23
  Speaker 4: and fish cuts and then fox the mother.
• 1:45:27
  Speaker 1: That's what I remember.
• 1:45:29
  Speaker 4: It's as is Jewish tradition, as is tradition. Is this
• 1:45:33
  Speaker 4: about Israel as it is laid out in the Torah?
• 1:45:38
  Speaker 1: As I learned in Hebrews?
• 1:45:41
  Speaker 4: They stop on the glass, They step on the glass
• 1:45:44
  Speaker 4: and break the glass.
• 1:45:45
  Speaker 1: Correct, Yeah, now we gotta have a showdown. Now is
• 1:45:49
  Speaker 1: a two way tie? Yeah?
• 1:45:50
  Speaker 4: Well technically you go.
• 1:45:52
  Speaker 1: You got my points, I'll get Winny's points.
• 1:45:55
  Speaker 4: Don't like that answer?
• 1:45:57
  Speaker 1: All right, let's take it. I think I could.
• 1:46:00
  Speaker 2: Lets you really do want to ask us a tiebreaker question.
• 1:46:03
  Speaker 2: In traditional Filipino weddings, buzz okay, yeah? What symbolic item
• 1:46:08
  Speaker 2: is often placed around the couple's shoulders to represent their bond?
• 1:46:12
  Speaker 1: Buzz Yes, I don't know what they would call it
• 1:46:15
  Speaker 1: in that country, but basically a lay.
• 1:46:18
  Speaker 4: All right, I'll jump in the flower necklace, power necklace,
• 1:46:21
  Speaker 4: some kind of ribbon, some let's say.
• 1:46:25
  Speaker 1: Some kind of you're going with, some kind of lay.
• 1:46:28
  Speaker 1: You know you're going with flower. I'll give you the flowers,
• 1:46:31
  Speaker 1: all right. I'll give you the flowers domain. I want
• 1:46:33
  Speaker 1: the fabric domain, want anything else? I feel I'm it.
• 1:46:37
  Speaker 2: I guess he gets chained, I get fabric, he gets
• 1:46:46
  Speaker 2: flo Do you have a guess Whatney?
• 1:46:48
  Speaker 1: Oh, probably gonna be like some animal intrails. Dude, it
• 1:46:52
  Speaker 1: probably is. It's probably gonna be a fucking squid.
• 1:46:55
  Speaker 5: It's just Philippines, the traditional Philippine wedding seashells.
• 1:47:01
  Speaker 1: Okay, Oh that's solid though, Puka shell necklace. That's a
• 1:47:04
  Speaker 1: good guess. Jim's probably closest. Okay, a cord or lasso.
• 1:47:09
  Speaker 1: I believe Jim is. It's not metal, It's not all fabric.
• 1:47:14
  Speaker 1: Stower fu all of you. I am the winner as
• 1:47:17
  Speaker 1: I deserve to be.
• 1:47:19
  Speaker 5: As we wrap up the show, we want to remind
• 1:47:20
  Speaker 5: you you can sign up at patreon dot com slash
• 1:47:22
  Speaker 5: therapy and get our extended show ad free. A day earlier,
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  Speaker 5: as well as enjoy our live chat discord community and
• 1:47:27
  Speaker 5: our weekly or sporadic deep dives, interviews, skill shares, research
• 1:47:31
  Speaker 5: roundups and rants. In the last month, we've got a
• 1:47:35
  Speaker 5: episode that comes out about AI and the concept of
• 1:47:38
  Speaker 5: like what it feels like to bond with the AI
• 1:47:41
  Speaker 5: and then discover that it's not real and so that
• 1:47:43
  Speaker 5: we're kind of putting words to that and explaining that.
• 1:47:46
  Speaker 5: So that's going to be an interesting installment, so check
• 1:47:48
  Speaker 5: that out Patreon dot com slash therapy, and also a
• 1:47:50
  Speaker 5: deep dive on the Supreme Court ruling having to do
• 1:47:53
  Speaker 5: with conversion therapy across the nation and the ramifications of
• 1:47:56
  Speaker 5: that even as it's still under consideration, so check that out.
• 1:48:00
  Speaker 5: We've got some new friends that have joined us at
• 1:48:02
  Speaker 5: the therap party. Who has joined us at Patreon dot
• 1:48:04
  Speaker 5: com slash therapy.
• 1:48:05
  Speaker 4: Nick.
• 1:48:05
  Speaker 1: We got a new therapod like to welcome Sunrise Sunrise.
• 1:48:10
  Speaker 5: As soon as Sunrise joined they I believe she went
• 1:48:13
  Speaker 5: to the discord, went to the new members area and
• 1:48:17
  Speaker 5: introduced themselves, went into the member bio area, a whole
• 1:48:20
  Speaker 5: nice introductions that everybody here's who I am been listening
• 1:48:22
  Speaker 5: for this long hell and it was really great, So
• 1:48:24
  Speaker 5: welcome Sunrise.
• 1:48:25
  Speaker 1: I still haven't done that. You should, And we have
• 1:48:29
  Speaker 1: a new THERAP producer. Welcome to the boardroom. Ammy our windmark,
• 1:48:36
  Speaker 1: our wid mark, our wood mark, our wood mark.
• 1:48:39
  Speaker 3: I like that.
• 1:48:39
  Speaker 4: Let's go with that. It could also be Amy.
• 1:48:42
  Speaker 1: I think Amy. I think it's Amy Ardvark. That's how
• 1:48:46
  Speaker 1: it should be pronounced. Fair enough, let's go with that. Well,
• 1:48:50
  Speaker 1: we have a.
• 1:48:53
  Speaker 4: Look.
• 1:48:53
  Speaker 1: You don't get to pay money and get your name
• 1:48:55
  Speaker 1: said right around here. People understand the brand.
• 1:48:58
  Speaker 5: I would like to thank the benevolent, revered, generous, and
• 1:49:00
  Speaker 5: flagrantly pro therapy diehards who love you all so much
• 1:49:03
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• 1:49:04
  Speaker 1: It hurts our therap partner, Pickett, and we want to.
• 1:49:06
  Speaker 5: Thank our bosses, the mysterious and shrouded Illuminati members of
• 1:49:09
  Speaker 5: the fan club that their producers.
• 1:49:11
  Speaker 1: Thank you.
• 1:49:11
  Speaker 5: Jake Schneider, myro Robert Brownie Junior, Mint, Smitty Scoop, Richard
• 1:49:15
  Speaker 5: Fucking Macy, Judy Schneider, Malia, Leon Cassab, Carolyn, Albert, Kevin Chamberlin,
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• 1:49:50
  Speaker 5: O Dare Blipblop, and introducing Amy Ardvark And if you
• 1:49:55
  Speaker 5: would like to.
• 1:49:55
  Speaker 2: Do this episode uncut and un edited, and wouldn't you
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• 1:50:01
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• 1:50:04
  Speaker 1: That's all the time I got for this week's session.
• 1:50:05
  Speaker 5: I want to thank our landlords, Jim and Nick's Swingers
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• 1:50:11
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• 1:50:12
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• 1:50:29
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• 1:50:30
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• 1:50:33
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• 1:50:36
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry description if you take it to our on
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  Speaker 1: the school reform, I'm Tangement. I'm Jim. Thanks, we'll see
• 1:50:48
  Speaker 1: your for appointment next week. I'm good at all trivia guys,
• 1:50:56
  Speaker 1: just disgusting. Goodbye, everybody,