Latest / The Oreaganic Podcast / 58: Needing To Be Liked is a Disadvantage

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58: Needing To Be Liked is a Disadvantage · The Oreaganic Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Needing to be liked is a disadvantage.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the organic podcast.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Reagan, and today's episode is for people pleasers, anyone who feels like they catch themselves in habits where you you might meet someone new and you can't really read their vibe, but you feel like they don't like you, and it completely changes your whole feeling for the day, changes your whole dynamic.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Or you just you just have this fear of people not liking you, and you have this impulse where it's like I need everyone to like me.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you realize it or not, this is actually keeping you at such a major disadvantage and costing you way more than you probably think.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I can say that because I had this realization on Monday, hence bringing it to the pod this week, where we're just gonna dive into it.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: We're just gonna dive into it.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: If the microphone quality is worse than usual, it's because I am not home.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I have actually not been home for for a long time at this point.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: I have been on a bender, a bender of tra like literally ridiculous travel, but nonetheless, my home is cared for and safe and looked after right now, and we're good.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: But anyways, if the mic sounds like shit, I do sincerely apologize.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Without further ado, let's get into the episode.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the organic podcast.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Reagan, mechanical engineer, lifelong athlete, and recovered overachiever, here to empower you to pursue your highest potential and live freely as your happiest, most organic self.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Every week we'll dive into topics ranging from personal growth, mindset, habits, psychology, and a blend of science and spirituality to give you all the tools you need to stop living on the money pilot and start creating a life of freedom, meaning, and fulfillment as your most organic.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready to become the reason, I feel like I need to update the intro.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's feeling a little stale.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Moving on.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: This week has been the third week of like absolute madness, crazy busyness that I have endured.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: The past two episodes were pre-recorded before my absolute marathon of just travel and work and just so much craziness, especially as someone who's a homebody.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I don't want to say that.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm social, but I 100% like more than most people need time alone to recharge.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I know that's a standard thing, but I need to be alone in my own space, in my own environment, with my fucking cat and sleeping in my own bed to really feel like I'm actually like boom, reset.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Have not had that since September 2nd.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: It is currently the 16th.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hello.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's been two weeks of just madness, it's been crazy.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: So that's my life update for you guys right now.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's just absolutely insane.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm literally sitting in a hotel right now for work stuff, but just fine, like it is what it is.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm sitting at a hotel recording with my wired headphones off of my Mac just at like 5 p.m.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: on a freaking Wednesday.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we are in the trenches here.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: But that's enough about me.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: This week I I had this realization about just how much I I feel this kind of background impulse to want to be liked.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm someone who is outgoing.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'd like to believe I'm pretty personable, you know.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of lean on humor and sarcasm.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I can talk to pretty much anyone.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I, you know, I tend to get along well with most people.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like I have good interactions with the grand majority of people who I see or interact with on a regular basis, or even just strangers.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I feel like I do a good job of being personable.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily trying so hard, but I feel like my personality is just naturally outgoing and I can talk to people well.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: With that, I did not realize just how much I was I was holding on to this belief that like in order for me to feel okay, I need to make sure that everyone likes me.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like the new people that I meet.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: If I meet someone and I can't get a read on them, or I I kind of just have this background thought or worry in my head of like, oh, do they not like me?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, are they annoyed by me?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Do they not want me to be here?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, do they think that I'm too much or I'm I'm not matching the vibe or like whatever.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: When I start thinking like that, I I was honestly starting to get into a bit of a spiral earlier this week, having these kinds of thoughts.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And turns out, by the way, that none of this was true whatsoever.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I was literally just fully delusional.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Anyways, it just made me realize that like it is such a disadvantage to need to be liked because not everyone is gonna like you, so why should you try?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why do you want everyone to like you?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Why does everyone need to like you in order for you to feel okay?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this is things I was actually thinking and kind of saying to myself in my head, like, why do I need to be liked to be okay?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is the deeper fear behind this?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, we can, you know, trace it back to wanting to be accepted and belong in the tribe and not get kicked out and be safe and protected, blah blah blah, all the all the primal brain stuff.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: But even with that, if you're someone who's just used to, I think especially for people who are used to being more outgoing, it can just feel very grating to your nervous system when you feel like you someone's just not vibing with you, and you're like, oh shit, they definitely don't like me, they think I'm annoying, and like, what the fuck?
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: But I say it's such a disadvantage because once you start noticing this, I caught myself in this behavior where it was like I wanted to turn into a chameleon.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to be after being very perceptive, I wanted to like shape and alter my behavior or my actions to show up in a way that might be more palatable, or it would be less of a risk of being annoying, or I wouldn't be so like, I don't know, off-putting to anyone else.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: When again, first off, the worries that I had, complete delusion, like none of it was true, like I literally none of it was true, but it's just this worry in my head.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: But I I just I had this realization, I was like, oh my god, it's such a disadvantage for me to need to be liked.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's a weakness.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's a weakness.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like if you are not willing to allow people to hate you, you will never truly allow people to fully love you because you aren't gonna be completely authentic and real in the most potent magnetic way that you can be, unless you let yourself be fully authentic and let people dislike you.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you think about ecology, environmental science.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Biodiversity is an incredible thing for an ecosystem.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like ecosystems that are highly biodiverse are like the freaking creme de la creme.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: That this is a very good sign of like a vibrant, healthy ecosystem.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: So if that's true in nature, and we are part of nature, and a lot of things in our life mirror the natural cycles of the physical world of the earth, why wouldn't we think that biodiversity in terms of people and being liked by others and kind of just how you mesh with people, like you you want people to dislike you because it allows you to have like we need people to be different.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I hope I'm I'm not I feel like I'm not getting my point across super well here with a comparison, but I hope you guys are tracking.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: So just bear with me.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Biodiversity is a good thing.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: We don't want a world in which everyone just likes everyone.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: I know that sounds kind of backwards, and this does not apply to extreme cases.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like that's obvious.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: But in the context of just people who vibe with you, who get along with you more on like a personality basis, if everyone just liked everyone and we were all just kind of bland, I feel like that would be the most boring world to live in.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: There would be no diversity, there would be what like I feel like it wouldn't, it wouldn't thrive, it wouldn't have the same kind of like potency to it as our world does today.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, Sam Daly talks about polarization a lot and magnets and how you know if you want to be polar and you want to magnetize the people who are meant for you, you need to be polarizing because a magnet has two poles and you can't have people who truly love you unless you have people who really don't like you either.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: So, what what is kind of like the payoff?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: What is the cost of everyone liking you?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like number one, it costs you your authenticity because if if literally everyone who ever meets you or sees you on social media truly loves you and is just like really likes you and vibes with you, I feel like you are not actually being yourself 100%.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like I feel like some part of you is being more palatable and being a chameleon to fit into this persona that is not actually your true authentic self so that you can gain this feeling of security from being liked by other people.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Mind you, this quote-unquote security that you feel from everyone liking you when you are wearing a mask is not actually true.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's very much so a fabricated, manufactured kind of security, and it's not the same deeply grounded, rooted security that you would feel if you know in your heart you're being 100% you, authentic, not changing for anyone, not chameleon shifting to fit the room, to fit the vibe, to be palatable.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like when you're doing that, you actually have a level of security because you know I'm being fully true to myself, and the people who love me and are here for me are like really my people.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like that brings a level of security that is five million times more potent and also desirable than this kind of watered-down, half-ass gray space, quote unquote security that we feel from being accepted and liked by people when we're being a different version of ourselves than who we truly are.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: You get what I'm saying?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: That like that just that just does not doesn't really make sense when you like take a step back and like put it into bigger perspective.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't want to live my life in a way where I feel like I constantly have to change myself and alter my behavior or present myself differently to certain people just based on whether or not I think, oh, I don't think they like me, so now I have to change myself, or now I have to be a little more quiet, or I'm not gonna make a joke about this, or I'm not gonna be sarcastic, or blah blah blah, whatever the fuck you want to say.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: I just I just feel like it's not real life, like it's not you being true and real to yourself, and it it contributes to kind of the sort of watered-down version of life that I don't want anyone to be living.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: The whole point of the core of the brand, the core value of the brand is freedom and authenticity, like freedom to be your 100% true authentic self at the very core of your being, underneath all of the layers of shit that we all accumulate from childhood trauma, social conditioning, mindset, the programming of society, all of the things we all have it to some degree.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: So the need to be liked doesn't help anyone, especially not yourself.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: It really doesn't.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: You just you waste so much energy shape-shifting yourself to try to get people to like you.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: But the second thing that I might ask is why, like, what is so important about them liking you?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, do you really true like what do you want everyone to like you?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you I'm sure everyone listening to this, you have people that you don't like.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like me saying that immediately brings to mind like a person for everyone who's listening to this.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, everyone has someone that they don't like.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Whoop de fucking do.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's how the world is, that's how things are.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think that we need everyone to like everyone in order for us to live in a peaceful, balanced, harmonic society.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Not at all.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where the piece of biodiversity comes in.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think that in the greater map, like kind of like the the geosphere whole map of the earth, I just I can I can imagine seeing like all the people on earth as like a bunch of little tiny dots, and we're all a living ecosystem of our own.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's a very different kind of ecosystem, it's a social ecosystem as much as it is a physical one, and there's there's so many layers of depth to it, just like nature.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Same kind of thing.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Nature has just as much depth as we do.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: But this this biodiversity that we need when it comes to the authenticity to be ourselves, and like kind of like the our little pods that we form from that, like the people who really vibe with us and the people that we really vibe with, it's healthy for those to be different.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there are so many people on earth, there are so many different kinds of people, groups, like belief systems, not maybe not whatever.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Groups, just like I just ugh, I feel like I'm not explaining this well.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: But we need to have all of these different groups, like we need there to be diversity in order to have a fully flowing, functioning society.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I I just feel like this is this is integral to like the the greater energetic system that we are all operating on and connected to when it comes to like this is gonna sound so when it comes to like the greater consciousness of humanity.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: You get what I'm saying?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want a world where it's like the giver, where there's no color and there's no variety and everything's bland and you have to like shape shift yourself to get someone to like you.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's a waste of energy, you don't actually get to be yourself, and you are living your life based off of other people's approval rather than actually living it for yourself.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: That is dumb.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like that is dumb.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: That is not what I want for anyone, and it is especially not what I want for any of you and for myself.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: So if you take anything from today's episode, I want you to reflect on the areas of your life where you might be worried, hey, does this person not like me?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because guess what?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: If someone doesn't like you, that is number one, none of your business, and number two, not your fucking problem.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: You have one singular job.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Your job is to be fully, 100% authentically you from a heart-led space, from a space that's connected to something greater than yourself, whatever you believe in, I don't fucking care, but connected to God, the universe, to whatever.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: As long as you are you have a strong sense of heart-led connection to a greater divine power, a greater force, some some highly like the source of all love in this universe and every other, as long as you are connected to that, and you are leading yourself from a heart-led space, and you are being fully authentic with yourself with all of these things in harmony, like that is the number one thing that is most important for all of us to be doing right now on earth.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: I know that for a fact.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: And just shape shifting yourself, trying to be palatable, getting everyone to like you, worrying, oh, does that person really like me?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Is that person fucking worried about you liking them?
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why do you care so much?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I have to ask myself, especially with like the people pleasing tendencies, because it's like I I do not claim them, I'm growing out, but like I I think about things that I worry about or get anxiety about sometimes where it's like, oh, is someone gonna be mad at me for this?
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, am I doing something wrong here?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, blah blah blah.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then I take a step out and I think about the thing that I'm worried about me doing or being judged for.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I imagine someone else doing the exact same thing and me being an outside, you know, bystander, just onlooker.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: And every single time I'm like, I I would not fucking care.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: I would not care about what they're doing, I wouldn't think that that's something to judge them for, or something that that's bad or or something to worry about.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's entirely in my fucking head, like literally all in my head.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like this same exact thing applies to needing to be liked.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because, like I just said, think about the person that you're like worried about, oh, whether or not they like you.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: Again, are they thinking that about you?
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why do you care?
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: You they should not care, it does not fucking matter, the world keeps spinning, and there are gonna be people who don't like you.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: But all I know is you're gonna be way, way, way, way worse off if you force yourself to change your behavior so that you can be liked by other people rather than just accepting the fact that not everyone's gonna like you and allowing yourself to live in true freedom to be fully yourself no matter what anyone else thinks.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: That is where the magic happens, and that is when you attract and magnetize the people who are meant to be in your life the most.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: So, for all of that said, with all of that said, I'm gonna leave that here.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope this episode helped you guys just reflect on some area of your life.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like this is short, I almost feel like I I don't know, it's like I feel like I have more to say, but yeah, I don't know.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's just feeling it's just feeling weird right now.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just gonna let this episode go.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I hope that wherever you're listening from, that you are having an incredible day, morning, evening, night.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you being here.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: And thank you for listening to the podcast.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks, guys.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Go be your most organic selves, and I will see you in the next one.