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Why Most Parenting Advice Makes Teen Problems Worse · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: Hello, and welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:03
  Ben: Today, we are going to talk about why most parenting advice makes things worse and what you can do about it.
• 0:11
  Ben: Now, most parents that I talk to are really trying hard.
• 0:16
  Ben: They've read books, they've listened to podcasts, they've tried to be patient, they've tried to be consistent.
• 0:23
  Ben: They've tried consequences, rewards, reminders, talks, lecturing, taking the cellphone, giving the cellphone back.
• 0:32
  Ben: They've tried being softer, being stricter, and everything in between, and still, they feel like they're failing.
• 0:41
  Ben: Their teen pushes back, the chores still don't get done, the grades can be stressful, the screen battles are still happening, and the parent is left thinking,"What am I doing wrong?" But here's the uncomfortable truth.
• 0:57
  Ben: You probably aren't doing parenting wrong.
• 1:00
  Ben: You're probably just following parenting patterns and parenting advice that starts in the wrong place.
• 1:08
  Ben: Most parenting advice is not wrong because it's bad.
• 1:12
  Ben: It's wrong because it points your attention at the wrong person.
• 1:17
  Ben: It keeps you focused on your teen's choices, your teen's mood, your teen's grades, your teen's motivation, your teen's attitude, your teen's future.
• 1:27
  Ben: And when your peace depends on your teen, you're stuck.
• 1:32
  Ben: And in this episode, I'm going to show you three fundamental flaws in common parenting advice.
• 1:40
  Ben: The first one explains why so many good parents feel like failures.
• 1:45
  Ben: The second one explains why we keep trying to force our teens into a version of success that they might not even want.
• 1:54
  Ben: And the third one is the one that changed everything for me.
• 1:57
  Ben: When I finally saw this, that's when things started to change in my own home.
• 2:03
  Ben: We had less fighting, less tension.
• 2:05
  Ben: We were more calm.
• 2:07
  Ben: We had more connection.
• 2:09
  Ben: And no, it didn't happen because my teenager suddenly became perfect.
• 2:14
  Ben: It happened because I stopped parenting from the outside in, and I started parenting from the inside out.
• 2:23
  Ben: And make sure you listen to the end, because I'm going to give you a free quiz that will help you see which parenting trap you may be stuck in.
• 2:32
  Ben: And this quiz is gonna take you less than 90 seconds, and it will help you stop blaming yourself, stop chasing your teen, and start leading from who you want to be as a parent.
• 2:47
  Ben: The thing I want you to understand, this parenting advice isn't wrong because it's bad, it just gets you to focus in the wrong place.
• 2:58
  Ben: And the truth is, most parents aren't lazy, they're not careless, they're not even checked out.
• 3:04
  Ben: They are trying really hard.
• 3:06
  Ben: But because a lot of this advice gets them focused more on their teen than themselves, a lot of these parents, even though they're trying so hard, they feel like they're out of control.
• 3:19
  Ben: And this is why parenting advice can feel helpful for five minutes and then make you feel worse later.
• 3:25
  Ben: It gives you more things to manage, but it doesn't give you more peace.
• 3:30
  Ben: It tells you what your teen should be doing, quote unquote,"should be doing," but not what you need to do to become the parent that you want to be.
• 3:40
  Ben: And the teen is not the whole problem.
• 3:43
  Ben: The problem is the pattern.
• 3:46
  Ben: And by the end of this episode, I want you to be able to spot advice that sounds good, but quietly pulls you into control or guilt or confusion.
• 3:58
  Ben: And the third flaw, that's the one that changed everything in my home.
• 4:03
  Ben: So stick around for that one.
• 4:05
  Ben: It's probably my favorite.
• 4:07
  Ben: So real quick, let's dive into the fundamental flaw, the first one that is present in most parenting advice, and it's the idea that the parent is responsible for the teen's success Now, the flaw isn't that, A, parents, they matter a lot, because the truth is parents do matter a lot.
• 4:33
  Ben: The flaw is acting like the teen's success is the parent's report card, and it actually creates two serious problems.
• 4:44
  Ben: When the teen succeeds, the parent takes too much credit, and when the teen struggles, the parent takes too much of the blame.
• 4:53
  Ben: Both are disempowering.
• 4:56
  Ben: And in a minute, I'm gonna show you why taking too much blame or too much credit are actually the same trap.
• 5:03
  Ben: But your parenting influences your teen, but it does not control your teen.
• 5:09
  Ben: Your teen's grades, their choices, their faith, motivation, their friendships, and their future are not your personal scoreboard.
• 5:21
  Ben: And if you take credit for your teen's success, that will quietly steal ownership from your teen.
• 5:29
  Ben: Now, on the flip side, when parents take blame for their teen's struggle, they quietly steal that same ownership from their teen.
• 5:40
  Ben: There's a healthier way to look at this.
• 5:42
  Ben: As a parent, it's important to remind yourself,"Hey, I am responsible for me.
• 5:47
  Ben: I'm responsible for how I parent.
• 5:50
  Ben: My teen is responsible for themselves and how they respond to life." Here's an example.
• 5:57
  Ben: Your teen, if they get good grades, this parenting from the outside in, the way the typical advice would have you think about it is,"Oh, I'm doing a good job.
• 6:08
  Ben: Look at how successful my teen is." But when you get into parenting from the inside out, you can look at things through a different lens, and you can start to think in different ways, like,"Hey, I'm glad I was able to offer my teen support and structure and encouragement, but my teen deserves credit for doing the work." Here's another example.
• 6:31
  Ben: Let's say your teen fails a class.
• 6:33
  Ben: Parenting from the inside out and according to typical parenting advice, you're gonna think,"I failed.
• 6:41
  Ben: I should have done more." But when you start parenting from the inside out, you can look at the things that you can control and you can think like,"Hey, I offered support.
• 6:55
  Ben: I set boundaries.
• 6:57
  Ben: I did everything in my power, but this is still my teen's class, and they're responsible for their effort, their grades, and the consequences that come with poor gr- grades." Taking too much blame and taking too much credit are actually the exact same trap, just two different sides.
• 7:19
  Ben: And this actually leads right into flaw number two, because once parents believe their teen's success is their report card, they start chasing a very narrow version of what sup- success is supposed to look like.
• 7:37
  Ben: So the fundamental flaw number two in most parenting advice is that it defines what a successful teenager is supposed to look like.
• 7:48
  Ben: And most parents actually miss this because the advice sounds responsible, but it quietly steals responsibility from your teenager.
• 8:00
  Ben: The problem isn't wanting good things for your teen.
• 8:03
  Ben: The problem is using generic success checklists to measure your teen's worth, to measure their success, to measure your worth as a parent, or to measure your success.
• 8:17
  Ben: Now, a lot of advice says that successful teens look a certain way, and I get it.
• 8:24
  Ben: Good grades can be good, but they're not the full measure of a teen's success.
• 8:30
  Ben: As a high school football coach, I believe that sports are fantastic, but playing a sport is not required for your teen to be successful.
• 8:41
  Ben: The same is true when it comes to church, music, jobs, friends, leadership.
• 8:47
  Ben: Those are all really good things.
• 8:48
  Ben: They can be extremely valuable, but none of them prove that your teen is okay.
• 8:55
  Ben: None of them are a requirement for your teen to be successful.
• 9:00
  Ben: I know a lot of teens that are very successful in quiet ways that most parents miss because they're looking for the big,"Oh, hey, this is what it should look like for your teen to be successful." Here are some examples of overlooked success.
• 9:17
  Ben: If your teen can tell you the truth even when it's hard, your teen is really successful in the honesty category, and it's amazing.
• 9:26
  Ben: If your teen apologizes even though they were rude this morning, your teen is successful in a non-traditional,"Hey, this is what success should look like," kind of way.
• 9:38
  Ben: If your teen is kind to younger siblings, if your teen works hard at something that matters to them, even if it's not what you would choose, if your teen keeps trying after failure If your teen has a good heart, if they're kind, even if their bedroom looks like a freaking crime scene, these are some areas where your teen can be successful.
• 10:03
  Ben: But a lot of parents miss it because it's not in line with typical parenting advice that says,"Hey, if your teen's successful, they're gonna get good grades.
• 10:13
  Ben: They're not gonna be on their phone too much." Whatever all that BS is When you use someone else's checklist for success, I promise you, you will miss the teenager who's right in front of you.
• 10:26
  Ben: Your teen may not be failing.
• 10:29
  Ben: They may just not be performing the version of success you were taught to look for.
• 10:35
  Ben: But even this isn't the biggest flaw.
• 10:38
  Ben: The biggest flaw is deeper.
• 10:41
  Ben: It's at the root of flaw number one and flaw number two, and once I saw it, I realized why so many parents stayed stuck even when they were trying really hard.
• 10:54
  Ben: They're doing everything.
• 10:55
  Ben: They're reading books.
• 10:56
  Ben: They're listening to podcasts.
• 10:58
  Ben: And this fundamental flaw number three is that most parenting advice focuses more on the child than the parent.
• 11:07
  Ben: And I feel like this is even more true when it comes to parenting teenagers.
• 11:13
  Ben: Because honestly, you're not gonna judge a two-year-old who's struggling with potty training and be like,"Oh man, their parents must be terrible." But we do that to parents of teenagers when their teen gets in trouble.
• 11:26
  Ben: Maybe they accidentally light their school bus on fire, or maybe they quit the football team, or maybe they aren't getting good grades.
• 11:36
  Ben: And the problem is most parenting advice focuses on getting the teen to think, to feel, or to behave differently.
• 11:46
  Ben: But those are the exact things that you can't control as a parent, and this is where a lot of good parents accidentally make things worse.
• 11:57
  Ben: The truth is, you can't control what your teen thinks.
• 12:02
  Ben: You can't control what your teen feels.
• 12:06
  Ben: It's not your job to control how your teen behaves, what they choose.
• 12:12
  Ben: Sure, you can influence, you can teach, you can model, invite, set boundaries, you can follow through, but at the end of the day, the only person you can directly control is you.
• 12:27
  Ben: And when you focus on what you can't control, you become anxious, controlling, permissive, lost and confused.
• 12:35
  Ben: And the truth is, most parents are stuck in this trap.
• 12:39
  Ben: They are focused on things, specifically their teenager, that is outside of their control And when parents focus on what they can't control, you've probably experienced this, you lose sleep, you get more frustrated.
• 12:56
  Ben: But when you focus on things within your control, you become calmer, you become clearer, and you become stronger as a parent.
• 13:05
  Ben: You're able to lead in your parenting in a way that's going to most benefit your teenager.
• 13:13
  Ben: So here are a few examples.
• 13:16
  Ben: Let's say your teen doesn't do some chores.
• 13:19
  Ben: Parenting from the outside in is typically gonna say something like,"How do I get my teen to do that?
• 13:27
  Ben: How do I make my teenager care?
• 13:31
  Ben: How do I stop him from being lazy?
• 13:33
  Ben: How do I get him to respect me?" Those are all the thinking that go along with typical parenting advice and the parenting from the outside in structure.
• 13:45
  Ben: Parenting from the inside out is gonna ask different questions.
• 13:50
  Ben: What's my role as a mom?
• 13:53
  Ben: Who do I want to be in tough parenting moments?
• 13:57
  Ben: What am I willing to do calmly?
• 14:00
  Ben: What privileges am I providing that are connected to these responsibilities?
• 14:06
  Ben: How do I lead without yelling, without nagging, without begging, without chasing my teen all over the place?
• 14:14
  Ben: The goal is not to control your teenager.
• 14:17
  Ben: The goal is to lead yourself so clearly that your teen has something solid to respond to.
• 14:26
  Ben: They know who you are, they know h- who you're going to be, how you're going to respond, and that frees them up.
• 14:32
  Ben: They're now not having to worry about you, and they get to worry about the only thing they can control, which is themselves A calm parent with a clear identity, a clear line, you know who you want to be, you know what's within your control, is more powerful than a frustrated parent with the perfect lecture or the perfect script.
• 14:55
  Ben: Parents are always asking me,"Ben, just give me a script.
• 14:58
  Ben: Tell me what to say." And I'm here to tell you, I can give you all the scripts in the world, but you will have more impact and more f- influence on your teen if you can be calm and clearly know who you want to be, rather than focusing on having the perfect words, the perfect script.
• 15:17
  Ben: And this is where things started to change in my home.
• 15:22
  Ben: This is where everything changed for me and my teenager.
• 15:25
  Ben: I stopped measuring my parenting success by whether or not my teen instantly obeyed.
• 15:32
  Ben: I started measuring it by whether I stayed on my side of the line, on whether I lived according to the identity that I want to be as a dad.
• 15:42
  Ben: And I started measuring my success as a parent by how I showed up as a parent and how well I parented the way I wanted to be.
• 15:50
  Ben: So the difference is there's old common parenting advice that is typically focused on things outside of you, and I call that parenting from the outside in.
• 16:04
  Ben: And then there's this new idea that I like to call parenting from the inside out, and once you see this, you're gonna start seeing it everywhere.
• 16:14
  Ben: Parenting from the outside out-- parenting from the outside in typically means, as a parent, I need something outside of me to change so I can feel better.
• 16:24
  Ben: For example, I need my teen to get better grades so I don't have to worry that they're gonna be a failure throughout their whole life.
• 16:32
  Ben: Or I need my teen to clean their room so I can feel like they appreciate what I give them, and so I can feel respected.
• 16:40
  Ben: Or I need my teen to stop gaming or spending so much time on a screen so that I can feel like a good parent.
• 16:48
  Ben: Or I need my teen to be happy so I can quit worrying.
• 16:52
  Ben: I need my teen to make good choices so I can feel proud, so I can know that the neighbors know that I'm a good mom or a good dad.
• 17:00
  Ben: The problem is those are all trying to change something outside of you and outside of your control so that something within you that you should be controlling can finally change.
• 17:12
  Ben: And the truth is, there's a better way, and I like to call it parenting from the inside out.
• 17:18
  Ben: And this means that you start with who you want to be as a mom or as a dad, and you ask yourself like Who do I want to be so that I can lead that way?
• 17:31
  Ben: You start to control who you are.
• 17:34
  Ben: You start to focus on what you can control, the example you want to model.
• 17:38
  Ben: So some of the examples are this: I can feel confident even while my teen is figuring out school.
• 17:46
  Ben: Like, I know a lot of parents that their teens do not even care about school, they're getting bad grades, and those parents can still feel confident.
• 17:53
  Ben: "I'm doing my job.
• 17:54
  Ben: I'm holding boundaries.
• 17:56
  Ben: I'm controlling what I can control." Another example is, look, I can hold a boundary without yelling.
• 18:02
  Ben: I can be proud of my teen without needing them to do a sport or an instrument or whatever type of performance.
• 18:11
  Ben: I can stay connected to my teen and still expect responsibility.
• 18:16
  Ben: I can lead without trying to control my teen.
• 18:20
  Ben: Parenting from the outside in makes your teen responsible for your inner peace, and it's not fair.
• 18:28
  Ben: Parenting from the inside out puts you back in charge of how you feel, how you behave, who you are, how you show up and handle tough situations So I want you to just reflect on this.
• 18:43
  Ben: Ask yourself this question: Where am I making my teen responsible for how I feel about myself as a parent?
• 18:51
  Ben: And don't blame yourself.
• 18:52
  Ben: This is how we're programmed.
• 18:54
  Ben: Like, this is the parenting advice that we usually get.
• 18:57
  Ben: It might be your teen's grades, it might be their attitude, it might be their screen time.
• 19:03
  Ben: Whatever it is, if you're making your teen responsible for how you feel, you're giving your power away.
• 19:11
  Ben: Like, man, eh, their room's a mess.
• 19:13
  Ben: They're not motivated to do anything.
• 19:15
  Ben: They don't care about their future.
• 19:16
  Ben: They're not going to church But I want you to just explore, what is it?
• 19:22
  Ben: Where am I making my teen responsible for how I feel about myself?
• 19:26
  Ben: And then follow up with this, what would change if I stopped making my report card, my parenting report card, be all about my teen, and I started focusing on who I want to be as a parent?
• 19:42
  Ben: This is the shift from parenting from the outside in to parenting from the inside out.
• 19:49
  Ben: And this is exactly why I created the Parent Trap Quiz, because most parents don't need more random parenting tips.
• 19:58
  Ben: They don't need to listen to more podcasts.
• 20:01
  Ben: Thank you for listening to mine.
• 20:02
  Ben: Keep showing up.
• 20:03
  Ben: I love it.
• 20:03
  Ben: But you don't need more tips.
• 20:05
  Ben: You don't need more books.
• 20:06
  Ben: You don't need more podcasts.
• 20:08
  Ben: You need to see the pattern that you keep getting pulled into.
• 20:13
  Ben: And some parents get pulled into the controlling parent trap.
• 20:17
  Ben: Some parents, the, they push harder, they lecture more, they remind more, they try to force their teen to care.
• 20:25
  Ben: Some parents get pulled into being th-the doormat and just letting their teen walk all over them so that they can avoid fighting, and they just give in, or they walk on eggshells, and they just hope that somehow, some way, things are going to get better.
• 20:41
  Ben: And usually what happens, parents get lost, and they feel confused, and they ba-bounce back and forth between being too strict and being too soft, and then they feel guilty no matter what they do.
• 20:55
  Ben: The Parent Trap Quiz will help you see which trap you're most likely getting pulled into.
• 21:01
  Ben: It takes less than 90 seconds.
• 21:04
  Ben: It's completely free.
• 21:06
  Ben: And after you take it, you're gonna get access to my free private podcast miniseries on parenting from the inside out.
• 21:16
  Ben: This will help you stop parenting from fear or guilt or control and start leading with more calm, clarity, and confidence.
• 21:25
  Ben: Because your teen does not need the perfect parent.
• 21:29
  Ben: They need a parent who can see the patterns that they're getting stuck in and get back on track and be the mom that they wanna be and lead from the inside out.
• 21:41
  Ben: Go take the Parent Trap Quiz today.
• 21:43
  Ben: You can find it at
• 21:45
  Speaker: benpughcoaching.com/quiz.
• 21:47
  Speaker: benpughcoaching.com/quiz
• 21:48
  Ben: It's free, it's easy, it'll take you 90 seconds or less, and I would love to hear what parent trap you find yourself getting caught in.
• 21:57
  Ben: I'll see you next week