Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Crying Changed My Life Forever! Narcissists Don't Grieve Like You Do

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Crying Changed My Life Forever! Narcissists Don't Grieve Like You Do · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  So how do narcissists grieve? How does someone with
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  narcissistic personality disorder experience grief?
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  Can we experience grief at all? That's what we're talking about
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  today. Yeah, of course.
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  If you're new here, I'm Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a diagnosed narcissist. And welcome to another episode
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  of The Narcissist Code. Welcome back, folks.
• 0:35
  Welcome back, welcome back. Yes, grief as a narcissist.
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  Before we hop too deep into today's episode, y'all make sure
• 0:42
  y'all check out my course, Understanding the Seven Stages
• 0:45
  of a Narcissistic Relationship to help you understand what you
• 0:47
  went through with a narcissist. It's available at
• 0:50
  mentalillness.net. All right, now, today, that's
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  all the way. Let's get into the grief.
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  Let's, let's rush into grief right here.
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  Let's rush into the grief process and since y'all like
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  these story times that I'm doing for my personal life, this is
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  going to be a personal story about how I've experienced
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  grief, how I've grieved as someone with narcissistic
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  personality disorder. That's which which funeral
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  incident. I got a couple of funerals that
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  I can talk about y'all. So the very first funeral that I
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  remember going to was February 6th, 1999, my aunt Maxine passed
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  away, and this is was IA narcissist as a 13 years old.
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  Was I a narcissist at 13? There were some traits, right?
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  There were little traits going on.
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  I wouldn't I wouldn't full fledge, but I had some
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  narcissistic traits right at 13. So my aunt passed away who was
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  very dear to my heart, like my pretty much my second mom,
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  right? She's like, I got my aunt
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  tattooed on my chest on this side of the chest.
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  So it's just kind of in this situation right here.
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  Like when she passed away, I remember going to her funeral
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  and I was grieving. I remember crying profusely when
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  I seen her in her coffin. Like I was overcome with grief.
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  Like I cannot stop the tears because it's kind of like again,
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  like my, my mom had passed away. Like she was so close to my
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  heart. She was an integral part in
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  raising me. Like we lived with her in her
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  house for so long. It's like this is, you know what
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  I mean? The matriarch of our family
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  pretty much is gone. So she passed away.
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  I remember sitting in the side Pew with the rest of the family
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  just boohoo cried feelings like everything hurting inside of me.
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  And I remember I got to go. I went up and I went up and saw
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  her right? Just laying her peaceful past
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  away. And I was like, oh, she's gone,
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  still crying. So I went down and sat down
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  again, right, crying some more. At the end, they asked the
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  question. The reverend asked the question.
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  He's like, is there anybody that wants to get one more look
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  before we close the casket? And I was crying.
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  I really, really wanted to y'all, but I was so overcome
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  with grief. I cannot move.
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  I could not move. And I watched him close the
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  casket and I was just like, I didn't open it.
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  I can't see mine again. I panicked and on a ride from
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  the church to the cemetery, I was, I, the tears would stop.
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  I was now I was angry at myself because how dare you be so weak
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  and emotional that you didn't get to see your aunt who took
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  care of you for so long. Who, who, who was there for you?
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  How dare you? So I'm trying to beat myself up
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  then. So in that moment, in that
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  instance, right there, I'm experiencing grief in a horrible
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  way. It's pretty, it really is pretty
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  horrible, right? And I really couldn't fathom it.
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  You know, I'm be like, I'll never, I'll never have this
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  again. I'll never feel this way again.
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  Nothing will bring this out of me ever again, right?
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  So years went by, years so long. Like in which part should I tell
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  Right here. My aunt, her my aunt is my Aunt
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  Maxine who passed away. Her sister, my aunt Will let was
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  the next funeral. I remember not well.
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  My my cousin, he had his son that passed away.
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  I told that story previously on my channel, but my cousin, but
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  my my aunt Willette had passed away.
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  And I remember going to her funeral and I was just like,
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  everybody was crying. Everybody was sad.
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  And I was just like inside I was sad, but it was it was buried
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  down in me. I was grieving, but I could not
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  cry. I could not show emotion.
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  Because remember that 13 year old little boy made a promise to
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  himself not to do that because being vulnerable sucks.
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  Being vulnerable cost you. Grief cost you tears cost you
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  crying cost you. Crying will get won't get you
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  anywhere. It will keep you stuck.
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  So I'm holding it all in. I'm sad, but I'm holding it in.
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  I'm like smiling at people. I'm like throw my head at my
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  people like we going to the church.
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  My cousins are crying. Her kids are.
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  I mean, my Aunt Will's kids are crying like my Aunt Willett and
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  my Aunt Maxine, They have a brother named John, right?
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  John is like Boo Hoo crying, 'cause this is his last living.
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  This is that was his last living sibling.
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  He's the last one left. He's Boo Hoo crying, losing it
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  cannot control himself. It's unfathomable how he's
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  feeling. He's crying.
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  I'm looking. I'm just like just taking it all
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  in. But I'm not crying.
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  It just felt, yeah, it felt so weird.
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  I felt like, honestly, it felt, I felt like it felt like an out
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  of body alien experience because I was there and I was sad and I
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  could miss mine. Like even when they Gary closed
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  the casket, I got up and look, I got to go see her like one last
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  time, kissed her hand, kissed her cheek, and I said goodbye.
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  I was able to do that because I didn't cry.
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  I was sad, but I wasn't grieving, right?
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  Grief cost you. And to me, that's what that's
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  the lesson I learned about grief when I was very young, that
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  grieving too much will cost you. Everything will cost you.
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  Have you living a life full of regret will have you sad as hell
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  for a very, very long time. It will, it won't get you
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  anywhere. It makes you look weak.
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  I'm, I imagine looking at myself, looking back at myself
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  when I was 13 years old, sitting over there crying and everybody
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  looking at me. Was everybody looking at me?
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  Probably not, right? Nobody cares.
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  This is a funeral. People are going to cry.
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  Nobody's like look at that crybaby over there crying too
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  much. But that's why I was telling
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  myself in my mind, the narcissistic voice in my head
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  was telling myself, you're a crybaby.
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  People are looking at you. And that's how I took that for
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  it's from the time I was 13 to the time when my aunt would let
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  like say my time, my aunt, well, that passed away, which wasn't
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  that like it was, it was, you know, it wasn't that long ago.
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  It was, it was a while ago, but it wasn't that long ago.
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  Like it's, I'm just telling ya, man, it absolutely sucked.
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  It really did suck. And when I was trying to heal
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  and trying to grow and like, I remember going to talk to my
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  therapist, my therapist about it, right?
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  I remember going to talk to my therapist.
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  I was like, I was like, hey, therapist, I am struggling.
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  I need some help. I was just like, I went to my
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  aunt's funeral and I cried 0 like I there was no tears at
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  all. And she was just like, huh?
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  She's like, don't she like don't even worry about it.
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  The tears will come. She's like, because you look at
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  grief as something a weak person does, you look at grief and
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  vulnerability as something that's weakness.
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  So you're not going to like your body, your mind is going to shut
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  down and not let you experience it because you don't want to
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  appear weak because you, when you think you appear weak, you
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  think you appear vulnerable. And when you think you appear
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  vulnerable, you think somebody's going to attack you in some way,
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  shape or form. Maybe not a physical attack, but
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  an emotional attack. You know, maybe not something
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  physical, but rather something that happens emotionally,
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  something deep on an emotional spectrum, something deep on an
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  emotional level right here. So that could be a piece of it
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  too. You see what I'm saying?
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  That could be a piece of it. So she's like you.
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  The tears will come when they need to come.
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  And I was like, this is crazy. I haven't cried in a long time.
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  I I just do not cry. I'm incapable of crying because
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  my aunt really did just pass away.
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  I watched people cry. I can envision, I can see it
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  very clearly, y'all. I can see it very clearly in my
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  mind about how that goes about how it went and whatnot, right.
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  And it really did suck. And that's the way it goes, you
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  know that really, it really did suck.
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  Tonight experienced that. And I just pulled up my aunt's
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  obituary. She died in June 14th, 2018.
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  So it's been about 7 years since the incident.
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  I did not cry, right? There was no teeth, no tears
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  were shed in that moment right there.
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  Nothing changed in that moment right there, nothing was gone.
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  I was just like, I cannot cry, will not cry, you know, because
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  their vulnerability sucks. And was I in therapy in 2018?
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  Yes, I had already started therapy, right.
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  I was in therapy about about a year then and I started
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  30/20/17, a little under a a little over a year.
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  I think about a year, about a year myself.
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  I was in therapy for both 9810 months, that point right there,
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  right? But then I didn't talk about
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  that until the following till later on down the road and
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  whatnot. And that would help me out too,
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  you know, because I'm trying to like make sense of everything in
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  my life, trying to make peace and trying to formulate
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  everything to get to understand my mind better.
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  Like seriously, because I don't. I understand that shutting
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  yourself off emotionally helps nobody.
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  It helps 0 people, you know, if you shut yourself off
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  emotionally, it really does not do anybody justice in your life,
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  especially you because the more you shut down, and this is true
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  about me. When you shut down like a
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  narcissist, when we shut down during moments of grief, when we
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  act like we, we act like nothing is going on, when we act
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  annoyed, when we act pissed off, it's because in our minds some
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  this is not serving us, right? This is not serving us.
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  How, what are we getting from this situation right here?
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  What are we getting from crying and grieving?
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  What are we getting from this situation?
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  So This is why you get a lot of narcissists that shut down when,
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  when it's time to grieve, when they get angry at you for
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  grieving, right? Because what narcissists do,
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  including myself, is we bottle it up.
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  We absolutely bottle up our emotions to the point where
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  like, they do not, they do not serve us at all.
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  We bottle them up to the point where they, they damn near
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  destroy us from the inside out. They really do, you know it
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  really it realistically that's what goes on like the grief and
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  whatnot. And I just cannot cry at the
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  funeral. It just like I cannot grieve.
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  When you hold it in, it poisons you.
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  When you hold in something bad that needs to come out, it
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  starts to eat you up from the inside out.
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  So you get a lot of narcissists, including myself who don't
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  process grief correctly. We hold it in and it comes out
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  as anger and frustration later on, on somebody else.
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  You're getting the grief, you're just getting in and you're
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  you're getting it in a different form.
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  And the people closest to you while you're grieving are
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  getting that too. So you're grieving, but you come
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  off as angry. You're grieving, but you come
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  off as violent. You grieving, but you come off
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  as just so damn annoying and just up upbeat.
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  What everybody else is crying. You were running around happy,
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  playing video games, acting like nothing matters, acting like
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  everybody else's grief disturbs your peace or everybody else's
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  grief is getting on your nerves. This is what happens with
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  narcissist, right? They use that grief right there
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  and it's shut down and it comes out later on it.
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  But you, you hold it in. It's kind of like shaking up,
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  shaking up a Coca-Cola in a bottle.
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  You can hold it in and shake it up, but guess what happens when
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  the top pops? Sooner or later, when that top
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  comes off, the world is going to change, ain't it?
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  When that top comes off, the world is going to change.
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  Something is going to change in this situation.
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  That narcissistic person is going to do something.
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  They're going to get angry, they're going to start
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  destroying stuff. They're going to start beating
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  stuff up. They might start hitting you or
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  beating you or screaming and yelling at you because you
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  haven't grieved, because they haven't grieved correctly,
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  because you're grieving. And I think a part of it is
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  jealousy. They see you as able to be
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  vulnerable and they're jealous of your vulnerability, right?
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  They're jealous of it. So they get angry at you because
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  you can grieve and you're not afraid to be vulnerable unless
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  you're around them, right? Unless you're around them,
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  you're afraid to be vulnerable because you know how they act.
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  They know how you act. You see, this is the crazy part
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  about it right here, man. That's why I just tell people
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  like Dylan and sometimes when a narcissist is grieving, instead
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  of grieving and crying and being wanting to be held or whatever,
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  they'll try to sleep with you. They'll take that.
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  They'll try to take their grief out in the bedroom on you.
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  It's got to come out somehow, right?
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  Sometimes it comes out in the when you clapping cheeks.
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  That's just the crux of it right there, y'all?
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  I think in my next video I'm going to tell you about the
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  story of when I cry for the first time in 10 years.
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  It took me, I don't know, in 10 years, 17 years.
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  So I did cry one time before my Aunt Mac, my aunt Will adds
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  funeral. But it has something to do with
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  my aunt Maxine who passed away, who I said, who I cried at her
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  funeral, But I told her I wouldn't go cry no more.
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  I told that story years ago, right?
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  I went from 1999 to like 2016 without crying a tear because my
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  aunt's funeral February to what October or September maybe
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  October February to October of 2016.
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  That's when my son was born. So it's crazy.
• 13:01
  I want to take out the story next anyway y'all y'all like
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