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Transcript

The Tinder Grandma Chronicles 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: What's up Negroes?
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: How you guys doing?
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Hell yeah.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, I'm breaking barriers in my life.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: I had sex using a vibrator for the first time and by God it's better.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: I I thought I had good stuff.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: The hardware has improved phenomenally.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's like.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: It was so good.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like now when I show up to sex with my analog penis, it feels like bringing a horse and buggy to the Daytona 500.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: She's looking at me, take time my pants, like, oh nigga, you Amish?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: We have technology.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know what's weird though?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Is even though it was my first time, it felt oddly familiar.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what it reminded me of is when I was a kid and I'd be holding the flashlight while my dad fixed the pipes.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I don't feel like I'm a vital part of this process.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm glad you want me here.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Have you come yet, Dad?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, this is the weird part of the show.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: This has been a big year for me, essentially.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm asking for stuff I want.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's not huge, but you know, it's a big step for me.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I was hooking up with somebody, we've been hooking up for a while, and I went up to her.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, hey, I was wondering if you wanted to shake things up, try anal, you know?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: And she was like, yes, but one condition.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: I get to do it to you too.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, finally.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my God.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Look, dude, I'm from a small conservative town.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you don't get the chance to experiment that much.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: This is my fucking time, baby.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: But I admit, I was I was nervous because, like, I'll be real, like, I'm not super experienced.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I've had a finger around my butt.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: I've had someone go two knuckles deep, but brother, an entire dildo in your ass.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Now we're cooking.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: That is phenomenal.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: There's some guys in here looking at me weird, and you're wrong, alright?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: You're wrong and you're scared.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: You have no idea.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: We're playing different games.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: You are playing checkers.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: I am playing Elden Ring, okay?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: Holy shit.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: I was so into it, I forgot she wasn't even there.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, what about me?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, it's not about you anymore, alright?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: I am learning about myself.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: Bro, it was so good.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's why I'm for universal healthcare now, honestly.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: It changed me politically.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: You're a man, you turn 45, you gotta get a private exam every year.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: I think every man should have his experience, and the government should pay for it.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's my 2024 campaign.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: Bro, I'd be in the doctor's office every week, like, mmm, what if I'm sick?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Do your job, medicine man?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: You went to school for this.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we won.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's pretty good, but I'll admit though, by like month two, you start getting real bored.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: I was I was starting to do some real freaky shit.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: I was watching the news live.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like a pervert.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Nah, dude, I was watching the news and they were talking about mass shootings.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: This is where the show gets fun.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: And uh this is this this is how I know like gun rights people are running out of arguments.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: They said the reason we have so many mass shootings in this country, it's not because of guns.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck off, no.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's because of rap music.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Hip-hop is inspiring these young people to go out and commit atrocities.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, bro, have you heard modern rap?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Bro, the biggest rapper in the world is Drake.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Alright?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know about you, but I am not scared of a mass shooter inspired by Drake.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Straight up.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: I am not the toughest guy in the world at all.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: But if a Drake-inspired shooter came in this room right now, I could shut that shit down with a hard stop it.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: And he'd just be like, I don't know what I'm doing, I'm sorry.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: You know, and light skin his way out of the room.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: He wouldn't even be able to begin.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: He would have dropped the gun from his overly moisturized hands before he even started.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's just like, I don't know, bro, like, rap's different now.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone's sad and on Xanax, you know, it's not the 90s anymore.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's just different now.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: Countries in disarray.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Arrested, uh, arrested my boy.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: They arrested Trump for January 6th and like 97 other things.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's fucking crazy.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: I know crack dealers who've been arrested last.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's wild.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard for me because I'm like split on the issue, you know?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because on one hand, like I'm very progressive.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: But on the other, I am from Florida, so part of me wants him to beat the case, just like a little bit.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: Just a little part of me, you know?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like the progressive side of me is like he should ride in jail for the rest of his life.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: And the Florida part of me is like, steal the bailiff's gun.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, Donnie.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Don't let him hold you down, Donnie.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: He's inspiring though, you know?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: He's like the Martin Luther King for white people with Facebook accounts.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I get it, like I grew up in a like pretty conservative area.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: I get how conservatives think, you know.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like January 6th, it makes sense, right?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying politically, I just mean emotionally, I see how you could get to that point.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because like you have to put it into context.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: January 6th, that happened during the pandemic, right?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what your pandemic was like, but I live alone because I'm really rich.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: And that was just a year of me losing my mind by myself.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: And if someone came to my door during that time and was like, hey man, me and some friends are gonna go murder the vice president.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: I would be like, you had me at Friends.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: Honestly, like, I just need a group activity.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: Can't we play Uno?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: Now, dude, he's really inspiring these.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know how much you have to inspire somebody to get them to take a cross-country Greyhound bus to murder someone?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: That's I've never reached that level of desperation.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like, bro, Greyhound fucking sucks.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even think they wanted to ride initially.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: I think they just got on that bus and it radicalized them on the way to DC.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: Bro, Greyhound sucks so much ass, dude.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: I was on Greyhound three weeks ago and there was a guy just masturbating in the back.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Openly.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: And that was me, and I'm a good person.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: So imagine what everybody else in that bus was doing.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: Got anyone in therapy?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: I could tell this was a rich audience.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Those are out of network, too.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: Those are carefree woos.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: I could hear it.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm in therapy.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: I've been going for like a year and a half.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: It rocks.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's funny because like I uh all my friends suggested I go, like, it wasn't my idea.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: Which is how you know you're fucking killing it.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: And uh apparently I have clinical depression, which was news to me because I always just thought I was chill, but turns out you can be medically chill.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Life-threateningly chill.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's funny too, my my friend he also has clinical depression, but the thing is, my friend's 6'5, so it's not the same.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to be a bitch, but like, fuck tall people, okay?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm 5'9, dude.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so jealous of tall people, it's just hard for me to care about their problems.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like my friend who'll come to me is like, yeah, man, I'm going through a lot of issues.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, yeah, bro, just step over them.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: What are you talking about?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: But I was talking to my therapist, and I was like, what's like an actionable way for me to feel better about myself?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, go out and help somebody else in your life.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, that's some Facebook level advice, but okay.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I was talking to my grandma.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: My grandma, she's 93 years old, and uh, yeah, she's killing it.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: Great woman.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, she's a widow, grandpa passed away a few years ago.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: But recently, on one of our calls, she told me that she's back out here on the dating scene, 93.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: So man, if you're trying to join the family, you know what I'm talking about.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: Open slot.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to wear condoms.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'm kidding, Jesus.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: You should definitely wear condoms.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: She's riddled with STDs.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: Look, it's called Living a Life.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: No, but uh I was talking to her and she said she's nervous of getting back out there on the apps, mostly because I don't think Tinder goes that high.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: But I was like, yo, I'm a fuckboy piece of shit, you know?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like I can lend you my services, and she accepted, so now I'm out here trying to get my grandma some dick.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: And the second weirdest part about that is that uh I had to have a conversation with her about what she's looking for in a man, which I never thought I'd have to do.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: And she told me she's only looking for two things.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: One, they have to be rich.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, girl, fair.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Honestly, like, you're 93.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: This is the closest to reparations you are ever gonna get.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: Also, that's my inheritance.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: Now, this is a business decision for me.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: And then she said, two, that she's not looking for anything long term.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, bitch, you are 93! How much confidence do you have?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: Our conversations are long term.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: So it turns out my grandma's also a fuckboy, just runs in our family like depression.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: But uh, I did it.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: I set up a profile, which is just black and white pics she gave me from the 50s.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: We're out here catfishing senior citizens as a family.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm swiping, I land on this guy, Alan's profile, and Alan's cool, dude.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we vibe.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: I tell him all the movies I like, he tells me all the injections he needs to make it through the week, you know.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: Cute first day stuff.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: And eventually I ask him out, he says, yeah, and he and my grandma, they've been going out for like a few months now.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: Nah, fuck her.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because Alan's my man, okay?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: She didn't earn that.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: She doesn't know Alan like I do.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: So she's out there with the love of my life, and I'm with you fucking people.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: But you guys have been great.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: Enjoy the rest of the show.