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Why Relationships Break · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  Radical self-love is the antidote to shame's poison. Shame is this sort of soul-eating emotion. And the great thing is there is a cure for shame, but it's self-compassion. First step is just admitting it to yourself. When women do things that are traditionally masculine, they produce masculine hormones.
• 0:22
  They think angry men are high testosterone guys. No, it's when estrogen is high that a man becomes irritated, annoyed, grumpy, unsupportive, and then cruel. We're men, we have to be free to do what we want. Women have to be free to express what they feel. Do you believe most breakups are actually blessings in disguise?
• 0:42
  I think most are blessings in disguise because most people are choosing wrong to begin with. And they're blinded by unresolved traumas, a lack of healing. Normalization of toxic relationships is why most breakups are blessing. Get away from the addiction of needing someone to fulfill you because that's what it is. I have been in abusive relationships my entire life and the pain of leaving something like that is worth it.
• 1:10
  There is real love out there. It hurts to leave, but it will destroy you if you stay. The longer you stay there, the longer that door stays closed to it, and the life that you are worthy of.
• 1:24
  Your relationships are mirrors to reflect how you treat yourself. And the best of, we're going deep on communication and learning how to love without losing yourself. Real love starts with you. When you heal, every connection gets stronger. Lead with honesty, boundaries, and heart.
• 1:44
  and good things will happen. What inspired you to write Beyond Mars and Venus 25 years after your original classic? When I noticed over the years, as more and more women were more on their male side,
• 1:58
  doing things that are traditionally masculine, they would often say to me, I read your book, but I feel like I'm from Mars and my husband's from Venus. When women do things that are traditionally masculine, they produce masculine hormones. So when women are goal-oriented, result-oriented, sacrificing their own personal happiness to achieve money, which is what we do as men without complaint. You know, that's kind of, well, being hard. Men don't do hard things, they're weak, okay?
• 2:27
  It's when you're challenged by life and you overcome that challenge. You set a goal and you do what needs to be done. What happens in our biology is we make testosterone.
• 2:37
  Now, men need to make 10 to 20 times more testosterone than women. So that's why men throughout history have all relished to thrive by doing difficult, challenging things, overcoming hurdles without complaint. This is all part of masculinity. But when women produce a lot of testosterone, because they're doing those same activities that produce testosterone, success-oriented, they're,
• 3:02
  When women are success-oriented in the outer world, not success-oriented in the relationship, that's different with your children and so forth, with your friends, your family, but you're out in the world
• 3:14
  you'll make testosterone. And it turns out that when women make too much testosterone, their stress levels go up. For women to cope with stress effectively, they can be on their male side, but they have to balance it with more estrogen. A man doesn't need that. Women need estrogen. They need to be making 10 to 20 times more estrogen than a man.
• 3:40
  Otherwise, their stress levels go up. Men need to make 10 to 20 times more testosterone than a woman. Otherwise, our stress levels go up. And what happens when our stress levels go up is blood flow goes to different parts of our brain. There's a reversal that happens. Instead of being optimistic, we become pessimistic.
• 4:03
  So when we feel safe, when we feel safe, we don't produce stress hormones. When we feel threatened or in danger, we produce stress hormones. How you can really build testosterone is when you do things that are good for you or good for others. That's the thing. It has to have meaningfulness. I do something that's meaningful, but I choose it completely.
• 4:26
  When you don't choose it, when you complain about it, your testosterone goes down. But for women, when they complain about it, their estrogen goes down. Estrogen is the hormone that makes women happy. Estrogen is the magic hormone for women. And without it, they're stressed. And there's lots of research showing that whenever a woman is stressed, her testosterone is too high, like a man's, and her estrogen is too low.
• 4:55
  And that's what causes stress for women. So now you can look at all the ideas of men are from Mars and you can see why we're so different. It explains these ideas like when a man is stressed, he comes home because he can't keep solving problems. There's problems. As long as I'm solving problems, I'm good. I'm making testosterone. But if there's something I can't solve...
• 5:17
  then I have to temporarily forget it. So men have this tendency of the way to cope with stress. If you can't solve a problem, then practically speaking, forget it until you can. And that's what we call cave time for men. It's a time to forget your problems.
• 5:34
  distract yourself from your problems and do things. You do something that challenges you, but it doesn't cause stress to you. It doesn't say, oh, my God, if I don't solve this problem, we're not going to have any money. It allows you to forget your problems. But for women, the opposite is true. Forgetting your problems is almost an impossibility for women. Yeah.
• 5:57
  because they're not designed to do this. And it lowers stress for men because it produces testosterone. I'm solving this problem over here. I'm watching a football game, which is known to raise testosterone in men. For women to cope with stress, they don't need to raise testosterone. They need to raise estrogen. And guess what produces estrogen? One of the things is to talk about problems.
• 6:19
  So for men, it's solving problems, solves racist testosterone, talking about problems to somebody who can help her raises estrogen. And so as we're designed in our brains to forget about problems, women are designed to remember problems. And when they're stressed, the problems they remember are,
• 6:39
  are all the problems that are negative. Over the time, this 25 years, it used to be women would complain, he doesn't listen, we don't talk. Now women will say, my husband wants to talk too much. And she didn't want to listen. She didn't want to have conversations. She doesn't have anything to talk about. Her brain becomes overwhelmed
• 6:59
  with problems to solve, problems to solve, because she's on her male side, but she doesn't have this hormonal difference, which allows men to forget their problems by doing something else that produces testosterone. For her, in a sense, to forget her problems, she has to talk about her problems, which will raise her estrogen, which will lower her stress, and miraculously, without any problems being solved, she will feel happier, and she will feel more loved.
• 7:27
  when I would explain to men, women just need to talk about their feelings. Men go, I don't know why, but I'll follow what you say. And men will come up to me and say, I realize she can talk. I just need to listen and she'll be happy. Well, now women don't talk. So what does he do? So in order to connect with her, he will then start talking. So some men who are, we'll call it more on their female side, their testosterone levels are lower because their estrogen levels will go higher
• 7:55
  Because he wants to connect. And when you reverse the roles, the hormones go out of balance. Some people want to have more traditional relationships and that works. But for some people, some souls, women want to be more on their male side. Just make sure that you come home to a relationship that helps you come back to your female side. That's the key. That's the key.
• 8:13
  You come home to a relationship that will raise your estrogen. And that's where I give women all these new communication skills to help them recover, reconnect with their feminine side. And then once they're connected with their feminine side, know how to get him to help her go there and to support her feminine side.
• 8:31
  You said women want less estrogen if they're stressed, right? No, women need more estrogen if they're stressed. Okay. Whenever a woman feels vulnerable and is needing something from you, her estrogen levels go up. When women are on their male side,
• 8:47
  They really don't even know the depth of their emotions and their feelings. They don't. Now, I'm a therapist, 50 years, okay, doing this. And women come into my office and I ask them, well, tell me how you're feeling. They don't know how they're feeling. What will come out of them is complaints about things that have happened, things that have not happened, but to actually feel the vulnerability of what am I afraid of? What am I scared of? And some women feel anxious, but they don't know exactly what they're afraid of. They can't put words to it. And the women who can put words to it, then I'll say, well...
• 9:16
  All right, well, tell me about what you're angry about. And they have no anger at all. But you see, you can't experience fear if you don't also have anger. You can't get upset about anything if you don't have a fear. And if you have a fear, it's because you're not getting what you want or you feel like in the past you didn't get what you wanted. So there's anger associated with that. So we live in a culture that doesn't give permission for women to be emotional, because
• 9:40
  The workplace gives you no permission to be emotional, and it shouldn't give you permission to be emotional. So the rules in personal life are very different from the workplace, and the workplace does not support women in connecting with a part of who they are. A part of their soul gets robbed if they don't have a relationship where they can talk about what they feel. So it's not just talking is the first step, but she won't have much to say unless she's complaining.
• 10:09
  At a certain point, women do have a lot to say if they're complaining about their partner. If you're a successful man, you go, well, I'm not going to worry about that. That's no big deal. I can't do anything about that. Well, that's that person's problem. It's not my problem. You don't take things personally. You basically rationalize everything away so you don't get all emotionally triggered by stuff.
• 10:31
  Women, their feminine side, when they don't get what they want, they will be upset. But they're pushing down the upset from work. They're stressed. They need to talk if they are willing to talk. And many women are not willing. They don't feel the need because they're so far away from their female side. Femininity, what produces estrogen, is needing help. Women need to ask for help. And that will draw a man in to help her.
• 11:00
  Men do not need help. If you offer help, it's an insult to a man. It raises his estrogen. It weakens his testosterone. So one of the biggest problems is women feeling, I have purpose in life by helping my partner. No.
• 11:15
  That gives him purpose by helping you. That creates his attraction for you. And you will feel more attracted to him as you let yourself be vulnerable enough to ask for help. I did not realize that pornography and masturbation is an addiction. And a lot of people suffer from this.
• 11:34
  Porn is like taking cocaine. It is cocaine. If you measure what happens with porn, it creates a spike of dopamine, which closes the dopamine receptor sites. So now you see your wife undressing in the closet and it has no effect on you at all because you're getting this higher dose of dopamine by having fake love.
• 11:54
  A computer, a woman on a computer gives the illusion to the subconscious mind that 64,000 women all want to have sex with me. It gives a huge surge of testosterone. First, dopamine gives a huge surge of testosterone. That testosterone collapses afterwards. The whole thing is a fantasy. And so there's no reality to keep the testosterone up.
• 12:16
  Where does somebody go to deal with that? I was a monk for nine years. And part of being a monk, the most important thing is that you don't masturbate. If you're addicted to porn, what happens for most guys because they're addicted, they can't even last 10 minutes of intercourse.
• 12:31
  Once you get addicted to porn, masturbation reinforces that addiction, then what happens is you become goal-oriented. Your body just wants to get to the release. The ancient Taoist tradition in China and the Hindu tradition of enlightened sexuality, both traditions all taught. And then those ancient cultures
• 12:51
  What they taught boys to do is they would have erections and the father would teach the boy, never do this with the penis. Instead, when the erection comes up, you just simply gently stroke it up, not touching the head. And it will feel good and it will just start to become boring and then it will go down.
• 13:11
  You want to train it to go down. And by doing that, you actually train your penis to last longer in sex so you can go on for 30 minutes. Okay, so 30 minutes of heartfelt sex. Now, some men, if they don't have any estrogen...
• 13:26
  or hardly any estrogen, they will last a long time, but it doesn't open their heart. The guys that will come quickly are on their female side. They have a lot of estrogen, so they have a lot of love, but they don't last long enough because they've been doing this. The up and down movement is simply will stimulate tension so that the tension releases through the ejaculation. What you do is never look at porn. That's the most important thing. As soon as you look, you're already gone.
• 13:54
  What's the core difference between a soulmate and a rolemate?
• 13:59
  Okay, so more traditional relationships are role mates. A man had a role that he did. Man makes the money and woman has the children. She takes care of the children. His job is to provide money and his job is to protect her. He had that role and the woman had this other role of being loving. And she could be loving because she was making so much estrogen because she depended on him for her survival. When a woman depends on a man...
• 14:27
  for something meaningful, it is a huge surge of estrogen. Now here's a little tip for the guys. Women have a cycle. You wanna be aware of that cycle. Make sure during those five days before ovulation, you take her on a date, you take more time, you have the three hour talk. That's when they look for reassurance the most. That's when you can be most successful as a man and giving her big dose of estrogen, which will last her to a great extent all the way up to the next five days.
• 14:56
  If you don't get her during that golden time, then suddenly she's looking for more the whole time through. And you're not good enough on some level or her life is more stressful on some level. Gentlemen, you've listed 60 minutes to this. Whenever you're triggered, say nothing.
• 15:13
  Men are angry. Their estrogen is high. See, people got, they think angry men are, you know, high testosterone guys. No, it's when estrogen is high that a man becomes irritated, annoyed, grumpy, unsupportive, and then cruel. What raises estrogen is whenever you talk out loud about excusing, making an excuse. Because whenever you make an excuse, you're making her wrong for being upset.
• 15:43
  You see, think about it, guys. If you excuse yourself, she's going to say, you're telling me I have no right to be upset. And now she doesn't have the freedom to be upset. And she becomes more upset. It'd be like she telling you what you have to do. You feel upset because somebody takes away your freedom of choice, freedom to do what you want. We're men. We have to be free to do what we want.
• 16:05
  Women have to have free to express what they feel. But what I explain in my book is that if you berate a man with complaints, it's only going to lower his testosterone. But if you do what you did, which is just breathe and know that I'm going to win this game. I'm going to win this tournament. I'm the guy who, you fight me, I can deflect your blows just like this.
• 16:27
  You can't even touch me. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. You have that confidence because you're a warrior. You're a fighter because you know your ultimate defense is don't speak. As soon as you speak, your estrogen goes up. You're triggered. She becomes more triggered. You become more triggered. All of that. Now, having said that, one other thing that helps me besides knowing what to do and not do
• 16:50
  is men, are you a plumber or are you a painter? Your job, here's what your job is. Your job is not to make a woman happy. You can't make a woman happy. You can only help her become happier.
• 17:06
  And you can only make her happier. You can't make her happy. The only way you can make a woman happier is when she's unhappy and she needs help to help her. Because when you help a woman find her happiness, then what you do makes her happier. So keep that in mind. Your job is not to make her happy. Your job is to help her find her happiness, which she can do by talking as long as you don't talk.
• 17:33
  Wow. If you are constantly apologizing for who you are, it's time to stop. That's number one. And then number two is radical self-love is the antidote to shame is poison. So the shame, which we will get into, I'm sure in more detail, is this sort of soul eating emotion. And the great thing is there is a cure for shame, but it's self-compassion. And that being this radical act of self-love, and sometimes,
• 18:01
  People in our lives aren't going to support us. We say sorry, I think, for our inherent nature a lot of the time. Oh, sorry, can I just... Oh, sorry, do you mind if... Oh, sorry, I don't want to be too much. Or, oh, sorry, if my choice that I'm making to look after me better in some way is an imposition to you. We just assume that we...
• 18:22
  somehow like an inconvenience or with struggling to take up this space. I put out a video a couple of months ago talking about how I used to self-harm. So trigger warning for people listening, I used to self-harm. I habitually and ritualistically used to scratch my face until it bled every day. And I am now here.
• 18:42
  healed from that. You have to heal your inside. I know you've done a lot of work healing your inside before you can heal the outside. I had so many comments. Oh my goodness, that's me. I didn't know there was a name for it. Wow, I do this too. Now, I also had hundreds, and I mean hundreds of DMs about it.
• 19:01
  Women commented publicly, men DM'd me privately. And that is, I think, what I've seen about shame. Shame thrives on you feeling isolated. Where I think coaching doesn't quite scratch the surface is I keep repeating patterns of behavior that are destructive. I know what I want to achieve, but I'm getting in my own way all the time.
• 19:24
  And that's really your shadow that we maybe haven't dealt with here. And that's where this trauma piece is the biggest piece of work that helped me understand myself. I am a type A. I've got a master's degree. I've got an MBA. I've got all the stuff. I call it medals, collecting medals. Any course I'm going to go on, I'm going to... Can I swear on this? I'm quite a sweary. Yeah, of course.
• 19:42
  I'm going to fucking smash the ass out of it. But in turn, that is like, you know, again, you're like feeding the little monster inside going, be more perfect, do more, do more. And, you know, no one will ever find out that you're actually broken inside. You're this failing like a person to keep doing more.
• 19:58
  I had a big burnout when I was coming up for 30, which I now understand was also linked to this perfectionism. I had a very violent childhood. My father was very violent. My mother colluded, incredibly violent, very terrifying. So I didn't have a safe person within my family system. And so for me...
• 20:13
  financial security made me safe in my head. So this pursuit of perfectionism and finance was the way of keeping me safe. But of course, I'm sprinting this fucking marathon and at some point you're going to collapse. So my ass got served back to me and presented back to me in this huge catastrophic burnout. But the biggest piece of work for me and the biggest piece of work for my clients, which is an add-on to
• 20:41
  But a really important part of this coaching work is this understanding of trauma and shame. And then when you can move through that, that's when you have freedom. If shame had a LinkedIn profile, what would its job title and skill set be?
• 20:56
  It would be the ultimate isolator. And its skill set would be that it can make you feel alone, no matter how many people are in a room with you, always feeling alone.
• 21:13
  I refer to it as, you know, if you're at a dinner party or something like that, and if you're full of shame, there's a subject or a couple of subjects you just wish will not come up, you know, because it's something that's just under the surface all the time for you. Like, I remember digging my nails into my palms, like, please don't mention that. Like, I'm just about holding this together, you know, masking whatever I'm asking. Like, please don't let the subject of, I don't know, like a marriage failing come up or something like that, because you're just sort of hanging on, trying to hold it together.
• 21:43
  you know the last thing you you want to do you feel like you don't break open pandora's box but the reality is when you're being driven and ridden through life by shame you're in pandora's box you just like you're you're already being controlled shame is at the wheel my friends and until we acknowledge it it loses all of its power every single last bit of its sticky tar like gross existence on linkedin and all of its connections for
• 22:09
  How can the listeners begin to identify and dismantle these shame beliefs? The first step is just admitting it to yourself. You fucking know what it is. You don't need me or you to help you find it. It's the thing, like I say, you're fearing will come up in conversation. It's bubbling right below the surface all the time. We're doing anything to swallow it back down like we know what it is.
• 22:31
  stand in front of a mirror alone, be in your car, be somewhere privately and just say it out loud. Let the feelings flow, let the emotions go, let, you know, whatever you need to do with it. Then as and when find someone you trust. If you don't feel you've got either a friend that you can trust or professional.
• 22:46
  But as soon as you start to name shame, it loses all of its power. It can literally only survive for as long as you're keeping it in and trying to hide it and believing you're alone. I just know, like you, how joyful my life is on the other side of this. And much like you, I'm 43.
• 23:05
  You know, I really feel like my life is beginning now. And I want people listening to this to know this is also possible and available to them. But what I know of shame, like this conversation, things that you've shared, if you hear something and you just go, oh, my God, that's me. And if that's me, that means I'm not alone. And if I'm not alone, that means there's hope. And that is what is murder shame in its tracks, is knowing you're not alone and then feeling the hope.
• 23:34
  The radical self-love is the key to healing. And it's the hardest thing because everybody thinks, if you ask somebody, do you love yourself? They're going to say, of course I love myself. But do you? Look at the choices you're making. Are you choosing you? Are you choosing what's good for you? When shame is gone, what takes its place? Self-compassion. Why is it so freaking hard in today's life
• 24:00
  to date. In the earlier years of social media I used to be one of those people that was like let's not blame social media. Social media is just exposing a lot of the issues that already existed which is still true but at this point I believe social media is creating all kinds of additional problems and struggles for people. The digital world
• 24:24
  has made things a lot more difficult. And the dynamics that existed once upon a time are no longer here and it's caused a lot of problems. So, there's a different way we have to navigate life now if we want to have success in dating and relationships. Social media does
• 24:42
  exacerbate in dating and relationships. It's the whole illusion of options issue. People are comparing now more than they ever have before. Now, it's like you can always jump online and see something quote unquote better. Because it looks better it makes it harder for you to be at peace with what you have. Now, you don't think you're doing good enough anymore. So, I have this belief that when we're looking at things online
• 25:11
  our brain is looking for reasons to disqualify somebody, we're nitpicking, all right. In person, your brain looks to find something that you like. So, this is why like in-person interactions can go way better than online because we're not nitpicking and overanalyzing as much because in the moment things are moving pretty fast, okay. Which is why I believe the whole swipe
• 25:38
  method on dating apps, I think they should get rid of all of that. Why do you believe most breakups are actually blessings in disguise? I think most are blessings in disguise because most people are choosing wrong to begin with, right? And they're blinded by unresolved traumas, a lack of healing, normalization of toxic relationships.
• 26:02
  is why most breakups are a blessing. No matter how much knowledge you possess I think people misunderstand the fact that once you are emotionally invested
• 26:13
  you're not seeing things as clearly as you should. This is why some people can be great advice givers but then not even apply that advice when they're in their own situation. Because once they are in it and they are emotionally invested it throws things off. So, again, I think that's what causes a lot of people to need that breakup. I tell everybody,
• 26:37
  Take time alone after the breakup. And then you see them out partying and then they're not happy till they get right back in the same exact toxic, said normal toxic relationship.
• 26:51
  Would your advice being the expert be the same? Take three months, six months and be truly alone and work on yourself. I would lead more with take this time to heal. And the reason why I would lead with that instead is because some people here take time alone. They think, OK, as long as I stayed single or maybe buried myself in work.
• 27:16
  I worked on myself. You didn't really resolve the deeper issues and so, even if you go a year, two years without dating or being by yourself when you step back out there you're going to repeat the cycles. You might end up in a worse situation. Focus on the healing and when we focus on the healing for some people that might be a few months, for some people that might be a year long process depending on how much effort they put into
• 27:41
  walking through the steps to get through that healing process. You have to learn how to be happy in your own space. I always say you don't have to be happy that you are single but you should learn how to be happy while you're single. When you do that, that's going to lessen the chance of you entertaining someone who you should not be entertaining
• 28:01
  and you being able to attract and actually embrace a healthy relationship. Emotions are energy. So, when we go through trauma, hurt, disappointment, all of these things create energy within us. And if you don't release that, that energy stays trapped in your body and causes problems.
• 28:19
  That trapped negative energy has to be released. We got to let it out. Forgiveness is a huge part of it. Forgiveness isn't saying what they did was okay. It's saying you're not going to hold on to it any longer. Forgiveness is for your freedom, for your peace. Your relationship with yourself is the most important thing. It's what's going to make or break you in your life. So many people live every day but are dead inside. Is it fair to say that men have a worse reputation than women in dating today?
• 28:49
  Men definitely have a worse reputation. Do I think they are truly worse? No. But is their reputation worse? Yes, absolutely. One reason is because women are much more vocal about their situations than men are. I always say men leave out the parts that make them look weak. Women leave out the parts that make them look bad.
• 29:14
  Because once upon a time there was no red pill like we know it today, there was no man is fear, right. So, now you have a greater level of men being vocal about their experiences sharing their perspectives. So, now the reputation of women has taken a bigger hit compared to back in the days.
• 29:36
  But I would still say men's reputation still works. If you're an eight, you got to date a six or a 10. If you're a six, you got to be eighters or a four. I used to think that from looks, but now it's really from an emotional intelligence and healed perspective. Got to date someone who's around your level. Level more so in character, level in maturity, level in healthiness, healing. I think...
• 30:03
  when we focus too much on the looks or even for a woman his career and money that's when you start to kind of mess up, right. I think we have to focus more on the character. And so, I do think that if you deviate too far what happens in most cases is that you're getting with someone you're not truly into
• 30:23
  and maybe you found some level of safety dating someone at that level. So, essentially if the woman who's a ten dates a guy who's a six in many cases it's because she feels like whenever she dates nines and tens she gets played, they get too much attention, it's too much to deal with. So, let me deal with a six where he'll worship the ground I walk on and it should be safer here. And the same thing can happen with a lot of guys and the problem is
• 30:53
  If that 10 isn't going to pour into that six in the way that they need the relationship isn't going to work. So, whatever level you date on you got to make sure I can be what they need in return. I can give them the level of desire they're looking for in return because if not it's not going to work in the long run. I do think it also starts with again what type of partner you're looking for.
• 31:16
  I think general questions though to ask are things just like... I think an important one that no one seems to talk about enough is what kind of lifestyle do you want to live? I think there's a lot of mismatched couples simply based off lifestyle.
• 31:32
  And I think people do not understand how much of a conflict that can create over time. So, like even with men who sometimes want this hot beautiful woman, right. If that's not the type of lifestyle you like to live as a man because there are some men who just like nice things who this is who they are. They would be living this way even if they were not dating this woman. If you're just doing this for her,
• 31:56
  you can't sustain that. You were not giving her who you truly are. This is why understanding the lifestyle one is looking for and wants to live and especially for the men identifying okay, what is my lifestyle preference and only accepting a woman who embraces my lifestyle.
• 32:15
  who makes it better, who enhances it, but who is not requiring things of me that just do not sit well with who I am. Lifestyle is something that I would ask about no matter where you are in life. One of the things that we need to get to to at least help with less toxic relationships and more healthy ones is just honesty.
• 32:35
  All right. So, my thing is if there's a woman out there and that's what she wants, she wants that high life and there's a man out there and he wants multiple women, just be real with each other then. And for those who want something real do not entertain those individuals who again who are living a life that is contrary to what you truly desire and want for yourself. What do you mean when you say we don't attract what we want we attract who we are?
• 33:01
  first don't even think it's about attracting who we are. I think the first deeper issue is who we entertain.
• 33:07
  all right, we entertain who we are. Because the reality is even in unhealthy states it is possible to attract a healthy, wonderful, amazing person. Because there's different factors that go into attraction. So, it's like okay, if a woman meets you when you are unhealthy but she sees a guy that looks great to her and she's like oh man, I'm interested in him. You're still going to be able to attract that woman despite you being in an unhealthy place.
• 33:36
  But if she is truly healthy and you are unhealthy you will struggle to entertain her. Now, do I believe that if you are in an unhealthy place you are increasing your chances of attracting unhealthy people? Yes, if you are healthy you're still going to have both unhealthy and unhealthy people come your way.
• 34:00
  But because you are healthy, your ability to entertain an unhealthy person is damn near eliminated. Tell me what was the exact moment you decided your story needed to be shared with the world? I realized...
• 34:13
  I keep picking the same type of person. I have been in abusive relationships my entire life. And yes, abuse is wrong. Yes, people shouldn't treat you that way. But I keep allowing these people into my life. And so at some point, you have to look at yourself and go, okay, well,
• 34:30
  What role am I playing here if these types of people keep ending up in my life, right? The abuse is wrong, but no one can abuse you if you aren't allowing them to. No one can stay in your life if you don't let them stay in your life. Regardless, you have to stop letting unhealed people stay in your life. You have to take a stand for yourself. You have to know that you're worth more. You have to be the one that says enough is enough and walk away even if it hurts, right?
• 34:55
  How did you turn it into a powerful space for healing and building your incredible community? I didn't look at it as anything other than I know that I felt alone in my own healing. I wish no one else would ever have to. I didn't do it for views. I wasn't doing it for likes. I don't care if this reaches 10 people or a million. I don't want to be alone in my own healing. I know that everyone else feels that way too. I know what it felt like to try to go down this journey alone and not have any place to go or have...
• 35:24
  people to go to or have that support system that you need in the process. How do you meet a 21 year old and how does that start off? And was it physically abusive or emotionally or both? All of the above. So he didn't start out abusive. It started off with him just flattering me, making me feel more important, making me feel older, making me feel seen. I got sucked right into it. I lost my virginity to this person. It went from worse to worse to worse until eventually he started getting very physically abusive and controlling of me. There was an incident that happened that,
• 35:53
  changed my life. He encountered me at some sort of event in town. Long story short, he dragged me down a sidewalk in front of hundreds of people and he strangled me. And by the grace of God, a group of young guys that were a couple of years older than me chased after us in this incident and they got him away from me and they saved my life. They saved my life in that moment. After that happened, I knew that I had to leave because I had no other choice. It was, he kills me or I kill myself.
• 36:21
  It took me months. I couldn't even leave the bedroom that my mom put me in for months. I was so depressed and just sick. And I thought about killing myself in there. And I was just at the worst of worst. I never talked about it. I didn't go to therapy back then. We weren't, that wasn't like a normal thing. And because of that, I didn't really heal the deep-seated wounds in me that still needed healed to have healthy relationships. I didn't take care of myself. I had no boundaries. I didn't know what boundaries were. When my marriage ended and I started dating again, I didn't.
• 36:49
  I realized I'm still attracting abusive men into my life. I kept meeting abusive men and still had no boundaries. I still had no even concept of what the red flags were. I wasn't living in a way that was honoring who I am and what I deserved. I want to understand exactly what you did to start that healing process. What did you do and what were the benefits and when did you notice it paid off?
• 37:16
  At that point, I had made that choice or something's got to change in me. And so I started doing the work. I started, well, I was, I got back in therapy. But what happened was I ended up actually dating another person after that, even that all the signs were there. And it was like the first time in my life where I was living in real time, both realities, the reality of I'm still attracting this and allowing this, but I know better and I see it.
• 37:41
  I see the things that I've missed in past relationships now through this person. So it was almost a beautiful experience because I got the chance to be aware of my own shortcomings and my own ways of like pushing off what I knew was right for me while also knowing that I was doing it, if that makes sense. And after that relationship ended, which didn't last long, it was like a three-month ordeal. That was when I was like, okay, okay.
• 38:07
  Enough's enough. I've dated enough. Now I need to stop dating. Now I need to stop being in relationship because I have too much work to do in here for me. There is too much that has to be done in here for me. And I'm not going to heal that in a relationship until I have healed it within me. That was two years ago now. And I've been purposefully single this entire time in therapy and diving into who am I? The hardest part was the very beginning was sitting with the darkest
• 38:35
  parts of me, the parts of me that didn't feel worthy and acknowledging all of the places where
• 38:41
  I didn't feel good enough myself for something healthy. And when I realized all of those parts of me that were just like, I don't deserve better. I don't believe I'm worthy. I don't feel lovable. I don't feel likable. When I realized all those parts, I was able to sit with those thoughts and those feelings and go, okay, but why? And give them grace. And I think extending myself to the grace and building myself back up as a human being and going, no, actually, that's not true.
• 39:08
  You are worthy. You are valuable. You are a loving person. You are a good person. You have every reason. And to be in a healthy relationship, you do deserve that. And I had to build myself back up. I built myself back up over the course of months of time to, well, years really, where every time those negative thoughts would come back or those old patterns would come back, I would question it. I wouldn't allow it to just exist and take over my mind and my heart and my soul. I would go, no, that's not true. The truth is, is that I'm worthy.
• 39:35
  The truth is, is that I'm valuable and I can feel this way. And it's still not be true. What advice do you give the women any age that are in a similar situation that are in what I will call a trauma bond? The pain of leaving something like that is worth it. It's going to hurt. You can stay and stay in that pain. That pain will last for as long as you allow it to. But.
• 39:55
  It's got to be better than this. There's got to be more than this, right? And we each deserve to be loved, truly loved, not tolerated, not disrespected, not unappreciated. There is real love out there. It hurts to leave a trauma bond. It's going to hurt so bad. It's an addiction. You will have to break that addiction like you would any other sort of addiction. It hurts to leave. It will destroy you if you stay.
• 40:19
  So you have to make the choice. You have to make the hard choice. Which path are you going to take? Are you going to stay and let this literally destroy you and steal the life from you? Or will you leave and let it hurt for a while knowing that there is a light at the end of that tunnel? How do I heal now? You have to heal. You have to look at the dark parts of yourself, the parts of yourself that have allowed abuse to exist in your life at all. Therapy, coaching, finding people online that have experienced what you've experienced, that are doing the work. Surround yourself with the type of people that...
• 40:44
  that are doing the work and that will help you too. I wish men understood that even your words can be abusive. I think men, a lot of times they discount a woman's experience of being abused because she wasn't hit because no one could see the abuse, right? And abuse can be a million different things. It can be emotional, can be psychological, can be mental. Those little tiny things that you say out of spite,
• 41:10
  just to make someone feel smaller that you love, that's abuse. And you may not think it is in the moment, but if you find yourself wanting to make someone else feel less about themselves, that's something you have to sit with and ask yourself, why would I want that? Why wouldn't I want the very best for every person in my life? You should want the very best for everyone you love. You took the words right out of my mouth.
• 41:30
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.