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Parenting and Leadership Through COVID Both Require Resilience with Kristin MacDermott · Authentic Living

• 0:01
  Welcome to authentic living with Roxanne, a place where we have as conversations about
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  things that really matter in our lives.
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  And now here's your host, Roxanne Derhodge.
• 0:35
  Everyone.
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  It's, Roxanne Durgesh.
• 0:37
  Thanks again for tuning in to Roxanne, Roxanne Derhodge and Authentic Living with Roxanne.
• 0:42
  So today, I have Kristen McDermott today.
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  Kristen's located in in Palm Beach, Florida.
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  And, Kristen's got a pretty fascinating background.
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  So, Kristen, thanks so much coming on and spending your time.
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  So, Kristen's got some fantastic, synergies with myself with, issues around resilience and
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  talking about, with a background in, marriage and family therapy.
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  So let me tell you a little bit about her.
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  Her full bio will be, in the show notes.
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  So she is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and she's been doing almost a
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  decade's worth, of research and resilience.
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  She has programs that have been validated by the Duke Clinical Research Institute She's
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  designed, some high level programs, which is pretty impressive, which I'd love to hear more
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  about, for the Navy's and the, LAPD, which I would assume that that would be something that
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  would be needed, you know, in those frontline positions a lot, She also has ordered authored
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  a book.
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  It takes 2 minutes to shift your mindset and build resilience.
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  I love the title.
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  Well, I mean, the thing that I learned the hard way from when I had a big company to we were
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  trying to take resilience training to as many populations as possible.
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  Is that you know probably how this is when you have so much in your head, I sort of designed
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  basically a graduate school version of resilience training.
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  And, you know, we did all the research and it works.
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  But the point is if you have something that works, but it's too much for people, it's
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  worthless.
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  So now everything I do is just these little bite size pieces.
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  So that book, it's actually a picture book.
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  So you can open to any page and on one page is a compelling photograph.
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  That's related to the skill, but on the other side is just a couple of paragraphs about one
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  skill that you can read in 1 or 2 minutes, and then there's a question so you can apply it to
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  your life immediately because that's the culture we live in right now.
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  You know, people wanna want something that's accessible.
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  So that's what I spend my life doing, trying to break things down into these tiny little
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  pieces.
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  It's so it's so true.
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  Right?
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  I I'm sure you're equally as busy as myself.
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  And sometimes if I'm trying to, you know because my head is often full with between
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  coaching and training and those types of things.
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  But if I want to start looking to something, I'll oftentimes, you know, pop on to YouTube,
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  look for something like, say, for 5 to 7 minutes, but it'll grow up.
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  So I could kind of, you know, oh, okay.
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  Well, this is a little beginning and not oftentimes having the time to sit down for, you
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  know, 45 minutes to an hour to be able to kind of absorb something.
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  So I do bit bit sites.
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  And what the leaders that I work with as well they will often say the same things to me.
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  Roxanne, you know, all these resilience or authentic, leadership tips you're trying to
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  teach me you know, I'd love to do, you know, your 6 month program or whatever.
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  However, through the day, you know, I literally have bits and bytes just to be able to have a
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  bit of a lunch and maybe, periodically take a 5 minute break.
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  So I'm not really sure,
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  you know, how to implement those things because I don't have the time.
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  And the thing about a lot of this stuff is, you know, one skill at a time, there are things
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  that people know for the most part.
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  It's just that they're not Either conscious of how important they are or conscious that
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  they're not really doing them or just being intentional about implementing them.
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  So when you give people those little things, they're like, oh, yeah.
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  And then it's like, that's the only thing they have to think of that day.
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  They're more likely to be able to apply it.
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  Then, you know, I mean, I love to read books, but then it's like a fire hose of information
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  and you have to underline it and all that and just not everyone, like you said, has the time
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  to do that.
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  Right.
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  Or everybody gets I know I was on, I listened to a fair amount of audible, but really
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  through, through 2020, you know, just with everything going on, I've, you know, oftentimes
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  when I go for my walks or whatever, I would put my headset on.
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  But lately, what I've been doing is I I I just wanna listen to nature.
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  So I'm I'm not even, you know, if I'm gone for that forty my minutes, you know, I realized,
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  oh, yeah.
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  I could, but then I think, oh, and then I'm so much more relaxed by the fact that I'm just
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  kind of taking in all the sense is around me versus kind of listening to something that I
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  think maybe I should be.
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  You know, I I should look up those for that kind of thing.
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  And I think those are sometimes the simplest strategies are the best strategies, just from,
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  my, my own life, but also, you know, kind of coaching people with, high level positions that
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  have minimal time.
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  I mean, I think you're right because I found with myself that, that I used to run.
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  I mean, I always run, but I used to run with music.
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  You know, just to kinda keep me going.
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  And when I when I I don't know why, but I just took it out of my ears a few years ago and just
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  wanted to see what it would be like to run with nothing.
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  It all of a sudden I realized that you get answers.
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  Like, the things you didn't even realize you've been noodling for a while all of a sudden,
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  like, boom.
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  You know, it's sort of I always say it's like the reason you get your best ideas in the
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  shower is because for a lot of times, that's like the only time you're not actually doing
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  anything or having any other input.
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  And I that's actually an important piece of my work is that is that I call it inner wisdom you
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  could call it, you know, your gut feeling, your intuition, your instinct, your height, whatever
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  you wanna call it.
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  But there is that part of us.
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  That is the wisest part of us, you know, that doesn't go down the rabbit hole of our sort of
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  negative thinking sometimes.
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  And I find that when we get quiet and stop having input, it you we can hear it.
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  So like running or walking in nature without the music on a such a there's like these extra
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  little gifts you get.
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  And it's it's to your point.
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  It's so basic.
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  Right?
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  Like, I mean but if you were to be coaching someone and then you talk to them about that,
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  they'll go, yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  I know that.
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  I know that.
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  You know, but it's it's sometimes that little shifts in in certain behaviors because they may
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  be doing it and not getting the optimal, output from it.
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  And like you said, just unplugging you know, those earbuds from your ears and you kinda go,
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  wow.
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  You know, I've been noodling, you know, about I I just wrote my second book.
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  And I've been, you know, kind of, you know, how you go through those in your records of of
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  naming the book.
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  And I have this kinda, you know, it's been and I was walking one day, and I try to get out for
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  about an hour as often as I can.
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  And the title, even though it was in pieces, kinda came.
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  And I was like, I've been like, you know, getting social feedback and going to my writing
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  group and talking to people on Facebook And here I am, it's kinda like it, like, went
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  click, click, click.
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  Yeah.
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  All the elements that were kind of out there kinda came together.
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  So I think you're right.
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  It's that space where you're a lot there's nothing.
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  And it and our children do it quite quite well when they're young, you know, when they kind of
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  mix that space.
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  So I'd love to talk to you.
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  But when they're allowed, though, I I was gonna say a similar thing.
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  It's like I feel like one of the things that is detrimental to kids nowadays is they don't
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  really ever have to be bored.
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  And, you know, when you're bored, it's that same thing.
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  It's like all of a sudden your imagination kicks in and it's not the same when you are
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  having, again, like, input from your screen or your phone or whatever that is.
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  And, I mean, I'm not one of those people that it is what it is.
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  Like, I don't think they're gonna be ruined, but I do think it's an interesting thing to
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  think about.
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  You know, it's just that being quiet in nature or, you know, being bored and not having to do
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  something and just being for a little while.
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  I mean, we do talk a lot in my resilience based parenting program we talk about, you know, how
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  important it is to help your kids tune in, realize that inner wisdom is important and help
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  them tune in because think about it with kids.
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  They're pretty much told to defer to their teachers coaches, their friends, parents, their
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  babysitters.
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  I mean, pretty much everyone is an authority figure, and they're supposed to just obey a lot
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  of the time.
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  And So you if it could go too far, then they're always looking outside of themselves for their
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  answers instead of looking at, like, well, what what feels right to me because they can feel
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  that if they're if they practice.
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  Absolutely.
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  And and, you know, and I know, I know you have programs, which I'd love talk about, but I
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  think you're so right.
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  And what do our kids model?
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  They model what they see around law.
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  Right?
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  So I often remember, I grew up insured on Tobago, in the Caribbean and, you know, there
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  was 6 of us, right?
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  And we were often playing fighting conflict resolution.
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  All these scales and, you know, but just being outside in nature all the time.
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  And, you know, now I know with kids that I often my coach as well, or, or seeing my
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  practice, that when they are not plugged in, their board and they're often trying to go to
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  their parents to get a solution for I'm bored.
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  I'm bored.
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  I'm bored.
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  So they're not being allowed.
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  I think that's based to your point to be able to sit with it and say, well, what can I do
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  now?
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  You know?
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  Right.
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  You know, what game can I make up?
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  Or Right.
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  You know, what kind of what could I do now?
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  Because I'm bored.
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  You know, and I think because now that space of quietness in whatever, form is it's it's not as
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  available, especially to with them being as connected as they are.
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  And we know that that's just gonna get exponential as we go, as the digital kind of
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  era increases.
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  Do you see
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  it with adults also, don't you?
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  I mean, it's like, I love if I'm sitting waiting for someone for lunch or, you know,
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  coffee or whatever, I mean, of course, I don't always do it, but I I try to be intentional
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  about as when I cannot pick up my phone and just sit there.
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  But it's such a weird sight to see someone just sitting alone kind of looking around not doing
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  anything, you know, because we
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  don't live in it.
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  What's up with them?
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  Why why weren't they not Everybody else is kinda clicking and looking down and stuff like
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  that.
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  So let's talk about resilience and and and relationships because I know that's your sweet
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  spot.
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  I talk about authentic leadership and leading from the heart.
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  And, you know, what I said about resilience and and relationships that are so important?
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  Well, so my brand of resilience, which I have a about 8 different sort of components of it.
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  But, I don't need we don't have time to talk about all eight of them.
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  So I'll pick maybe 3 that you can see how when you build resilience, those same skills help
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  you with relationships.
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  Well, I mean, really, a lot of resilience is about self awareness.
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  Right?
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  And so if you think of emotional intelligence, which I think is a component of resilience,
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  when you start to understand what's the cause of your emotions and start to be able to manage
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  your response to your emotions, that level of self awareness obviously makes you resilient
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  because it makes you able to control and look to what you can control in a situation even if
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  the external situation is out of your control, you can control your emotional response.
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  You can control how you're thinking about it.
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  And so You can also see that if you have that level of self awareness about your own
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  emotions, it makes you more have more empathy.
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  Because you understand others better.
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  And so it does improve your relationships, and it gives you it improves how you talk about
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  those things.
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  You become comfortable talking about your emotions and your behavior and your thoughts
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  and how that's all linked.
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  And so, of course, that will help you talk about what's going with the other person and
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  your relationship.
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  So that's just one.
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  I'll say one other.
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  And it's I feel like you and I probably speak the same language.
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  We just use different words, but, other one that I think is really important, as that I
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  think is fundamental to resilience is just I always call it speaking the language of needs.
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  The idea that you know what your personal needs are in your to have a high quality of life and
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  to have good feeling relationships and you take responsibility for getting those needs met,
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  which makes you feel more empowered and more resilient and more taken care of, but it also
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  means that in relationships, you can have conversations that help both people get their
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  needs met.
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  And really, the root of most interpersonal conflict is unmet needs.
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  It's if, you know, if you go down there, it's about someone not getting their needs met.
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  And so, again, you can see how talking about needs helps both in, you know, your individual
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  resilience, but also your relationships.
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  Right.
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  Because, again, and I often say and we and I can talk more about this.
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  But when you see it, you know, I try to explain to couples when I I coach them or I talk to
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  them, I say, if you look at a request initially, it's kinda like if you see a two
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  year old, right, they're making a request.
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  They're kinda, you know, can I have that cookie or whatever?
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  And then you're kind you're off to something else and you're ignoring them, and then it
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  becomes a little bit more terse.
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  Right?
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  It escalates.
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  Maybe the voice gets louder or the antics get bigger.
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  Right?
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  When you start to look at it in adult relationships, really, a request becomes a
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  demand and you know, you could see how it escalates up.
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  Right?
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  So really it's, you know, I see the people.
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  It's really, I'd I'd like you to do this comes first, and then it goes further and get it
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  further.
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  And before, you know, it's like, you know, someone's like, you know, maybe raising their
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  voice or somebody's stonewalling and not speaking.
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  It's it's because those needs to your point are not met, and you're asking, and it's not met.
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  And it goes up and up and up.
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  And before you know, it is like, you know, we've had such a divide and people are, I don't
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  I'm not really sure how we got there.
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  Kinda think.
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  But if you break it down and instead of talking, Like, you're saying if instead of
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  saying you do this and you do that or you don't do this or whatever, if you can say, you know,
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  I'm feeling overwhelmed.
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  I need time for some self care, or I'm feeling, not respected in this family because I feel
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  like I do so much and but can you help me?
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  Can you help me get these needs, madin?
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  If you love each other, which is usually the case, when you start out just saying like, tell
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  me what you need and I'll tell you what I need and how can we help each other get those met,
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  you can find the inroads there because it's not just that you, you, you letting me down.
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  Exactly.
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  As soon as you hear the you, you get the woah.
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  Okay.
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  There's something wrong with me, and then I'm gonna, of course, I'm gonna protect.
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  I'm gonna retract.
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  I'm gonna protect in whatever way.
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  That's the that's the human, element So lately, you've been talking a lot about parenting.
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  So that pivot happens.
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  It was it because of the time we're in, or is it something that you have planned quite a
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  while back to to focus more on parenting and
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  You know, what happened is I, I had a company and, so I You know, how your career sometimes
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  just takes twists and turns all for good reasons, but so I didn't mean to not be a
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  American family therapist.
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  I I thought I would do that forever, but I ended up getting this opportunity to go do all
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  this research in the cancer world.
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  And so and we had these great results.
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  And so I just decided that I needed to raise money to build a platform to get it out to the
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  world.
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  And because it was about 10 years before its time, unfortunately.
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  We were doing everything in these online class which now makes a ton of sense.
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  But back then, it was a little before people were doing that.
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  And so, anyway, a couple of years ago, for a myriad of reasons, I ended up stopping that.
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  I ended up it just didn't work.
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  And so I had to regroup, which is interesting because, you know, here I was turning 50.
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  And I was like, does this mean I'm a failure?
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  And then I was like, wait.
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  I wanted to teach other people to be resilient.
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  I didn't wanna have to be resilient myself.
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  But, you know, I what the way I knew how to do that was to, like, Okay.
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  So look inward.
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  Like, what's in my control and, like, move towards my joy.
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  And the truth was, You know, managing that business had gotten me away from what I truly
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  love, which is working with people one on 1.
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  It's just what I love.
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  And The other truth is I love teens and young adults.
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  I just find that there's something about that age where they're, you know, they're already in
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  a learning stage of life.
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  And so they're so quick and wise, but often they're just they're you know, either dying to
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  get some freedom and they don't have a voice because it's been squashed.
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  And they really want tools and skills, and they want life to make since.
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  And so it's just super fun for me.
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  So I just, and then I had a partner who helped me write.
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  I've written 2 books, one of which I haven't published yet, but, And she and I, she loves
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  parenting too, and she's a writer.
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  And so, we just sort of started thinking, like, what would we do if we were gonna do a project
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  together that would light us both up.
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  And it's this.
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  And the reason it fits into the little bite size thing also is because Well, 1st of all,
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  parents are typically super busy.
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  Right?
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  I mean, there's just not any extra time.
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  And so what the way we approach it was we're trying to give little conversation starters so
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  that instead of, you know, bringing your kid in for the talk, about drugs or the talk about sex
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  or whatever, you can get in a habit where you're having really small, but meaningful
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  conversations, and no one's even noticing that you're building resilience along the way.
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  Because for the most part, they're pretty innocuous.
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  Like, What do you think your strengths are?
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  I'll tell you what I think mine are.
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  I'll tell you what I think yours are, but what do you think?
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  Like, you know, just the whole myriad of things.
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  Like, what What do you think would improve our home culture, you know, which is all about
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  needs?
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  Anyway, so we're trying to just help parents have meaningful little conversations that don't
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  require a PhD in resilience or psychology.
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  But over time, actually build not just resilience, but it improves the relationships
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  because the last thing I'm gonna say about that is that I think you can judge the health of a
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  relationship by the conversations.
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  Mhmm.
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  When you see parents, I mean, especially parents and children, but really everyone, but
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  when you see parents having conversations with their kids that aren't just you know, 1-sided
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  agenda driven top down.
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  I need to teach you this.
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  You need to do this.
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  But are genuinely curious and mutually respectful.
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  I'm not saying just be your child's friend, but I'm saying, you know, hear them It's really it
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  sets up this dynamic where you can be an ally and be the person gives your child good
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  information that they will actually want from you as opposed to the person they resist
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  because it is human nature to resist being controlled.
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  Abser.
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  Absolutely.
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  And we don't want them to go out in the world with not without having that inner sense to be
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  able to stand their ground, but you're right.
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  It becomes that didactic kind of give and take.
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  And, unfortunately, and you know it as a a as a family therapist as well because families often
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  they don't start to talk about those things as being kinda normal until there's a a thing
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  happening.
• 19:38
  Exactly.
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  At which point we have to have the talk or, you know, you're kind of approaching team for the
• 19:45
  first time to say, by the way, because you, you know, I heard so and so has been doing up this
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  and this, Should we be talking about, you know, those thoughts when I would, you know, with my
• 19:56
  son, he would be like, oh, no.
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  What was this gonna be about this time kind of
• 20:00
  And you know, they can't hear you because in their head, they're going like, how am I gonna
• 20:03
  get away from this?
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  Yeah.
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  I gotta make it stop.
• 20:05
  How you know, it's just they had totally shut down.
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  Absolutely.
• 20:12
  Yeah.
• 20:12
  So let's talk a little bit about you resilience is, like you said, the inner knowing, the
• 20:18
  awareness, understanding my needs and wants.
• 20:21
  As a parent, when you are aware of that, and let's say we have a kid that's diametrically
• 20:26
  opposed to your personality How do you approach them?
• 20:30
  How do you kind of, you know, use it to be able to intervene effectively from the space of
• 20:35
  resilience to also you know, create a a, I would say, a path for your child to also
• 20:40
  develop that resilience without, you know, the big divide.
• 20:44
  One of the most important things that I'm trying to do in my parenting programs, the
• 20:49
  outcome that I'm trying to help people parent for is self efficacy.
• 20:54
  Which means that you're raising children who believe that they can take responsibility for
• 20:59
  themselves, make good decisions, and have a positive impact in their own lives.
• 21:04
  So which might not be what everyone's parenting for, but that's what we're trying to do.
• 21:09
  So since that's what we're trying to do, we're actually looking for as early as possible, for
• 21:15
  as many opportunities to transfer responsibility to your child as possible.
• 21:21
  And, obviously, the earlier you're you start about things that don't have big consequences,
• 21:27
  the better, because a lot of times what happens is all and, you know, kids get to college, and
• 21:31
  they have the first time ever.
• 21:33
  They're responsible for making their own decisions, and they haven't really practiced
• 21:37
  you know, thinking through all that.
• 21:38
  So, like, when you your question was, you know, what do you do if you have a child who is
• 21:42
  personality as opposed, and my answer is always have a dialogue.
• 21:45
  Like, ask the child Well, this is what's going on for me.
• 21:53
  Like, I feel like I'm trying to help you, but somehow it's missing.
• 21:57
  Like, help me understand how you experience me, what you need from me, what I can do to to be
• 22:03
  better because this doesn't feel good to me.
• 22:05
  And I'm not saying I'm gonna give you everything you want, but help me understand.
• 22:10
  And I am always surprised by the way, that's what I would do if I had that child in my
• 22:16
  practice.
• 22:17
  Right?
• 22:17
  And because and I'm then I'm the first adult who's ever done that with them is, like, help
• 22:21
  me understand how you see it and what you need, and I'll help you figure out what's realistic
• 22:27
  and how we can have more of that happen.
• 22:30
  You know, and balance out what the other people need.
• 22:33
  So I always put it back on.
• 22:34
  Like, he actually try to hear what you're child needs and what they believe and what their
• 22:41
  opinions are.
• 22:41
  You might not agree with them, but try to listen.
• 22:45
  Give them that voice relatively early and, you know, teach them how to help what skills they
• 22:52
  might need to help others understand them if they're a bit different.
• 22:55
  I I like that because oftentimes kids are like, well, if I have a different point of view with
• 23:01
  from you, there's gonna be conflict and it it need not necessarily be so.
• 23:05
  And that whole concept of tell me more.
• 23:07
  I'm against, you know, the Colombo.
• 23:09
  I mean, like, you and I wouldn't do very well, with the other people knowing it.
• 23:13
  And then they go, wow.
• 23:14
  Oh, thank you.
• 23:15
  I didn't even think I thought like that.
• 23:17
  Or Right.
• 23:18
  Whatever.
• 23:18
  And and, you know, and then often I I'm sure you see that, in practices that parents are
• 23:23
  like, how did you you know, you get the I'm gonna bring the nine year old to you or the the
• 23:29
  eleven year old, and you just fix him or her.
• 23:31
  Oh my gosh.
• 23:33
  And then I'll pick them back up.
• 23:35
  Right.
• 23:35
  And no.
• 23:35
  No.
• 23:35
  No.
• 23:35
  No.
• 23:36
  No.
• 23:36
  Here's the deal.
• 23:36
  I'm gonna talk to them, but you're coming in as well.
• 23:39
  And then they say, well, they won't talk to you, but it's good that, you know, you might
• 23:43
  need some time.
• 23:43
  I go, yeah.
• 23:44
  Yeah.
• 23:44
  Sure.
• 23:45
  And then they see the child starting to open up, open up the parent, and then So it's nice
• 23:49
  for as an onlooker, and then they realize it it may it's not that they could need to do a,
• 23:55
  like, a gastronomical amount of images.
• 23:58
  But then they can actually make little tweaks.
• 24:01
  That's the thing.
• 24:02
  Yes.
• 24:02
  And then they Yeah.
• 24:04
  Wow.
• 24:04
  I can't believe that was the biggest, biggest, quickest club opening I've ever seen in my
• 24:09
  life.
• 24:10
  Mhmm.
• 24:10
  Yeah.
• 24:11
  You know, and I'm sure you're quite capable of doing it yourself.
• 24:13
  So I, you know, from that perspective talk going back again to parents, sometimes they
• 24:18
  just need to know that they have the skills, but maybe it's just a bit of a different
• 24:22
  approach as well.
• 24:23
  Yeah.
• 24:24
  And, I mean, it's not it really I love that you just said it doesn't have to be because the
• 24:30
  little shifts can make all the difference.
• 24:32
  It's just I mean, kids don't wake up in the morning thinking, how can I have a really
• 24:38
  difficult, life full of conflict but they are gonna resist?
• 24:43
  And so just those little shifts in, like, helping your kid feel like you're you're you're
• 24:51
  making an effort to just hear, understand their point of view.
• 24:54
  That doesn't mean you're giving in and, you know, letting them the run the roost.
• 24:58
  But, that it can make a huge difference.
• 25:02
  That's a it's it's so true.
• 25:04
  So let's Let's talk a little bit about we've already tipped into, the teens.
• 25:11
  Mhmm.
• 25:12
  And, is there anything that's, you think that parents listening, from your programs or just
• 25:19
  that they could do because we know that it's a natural normal, you know, concept that teens
• 25:26
  have, they now have to kind of, you know, kind of gently let go of us and start to kind of,
• 25:32
  you know, tip into the world and you know, they do it sometimes big and bold.
• 25:37
  And and then they do it in ways that aren't effective.
• 25:40
  What are some of the resiliency strategies or things that you might suggest again, for
• 25:45
  parents that kind of say, oh, you know, you hear parents, you know, I need to back them
• 25:49
  down the hatches.
• 25:49
  They're a twin, and they're gonna step in into teenagehood.
• 25:54
  I mean, I think just what you're saying is really interesting because a lot of the time,
• 25:58
  there's an underlying belief that parents have.
• 26:01
  That if I don't just clamp it down, this child is gonna run amok, which I think is interesting
• 26:08
  to look at because that's something that is the parents.
• 26:12
  That, you know, if you're parenting from that perspective, you're gonna do something and what
• 26:18
  your meaning is I love you and I wanna keep you safe, but what your child is gonna hear is I
• 26:25
  don't trust you.
• 26:26
  I don't trust you to make decisions for yourself, so I'm gonna not give you
• 26:30
  responsibility for that.
• 26:31
  And so I think that, you know, when our children are teenagers, they need information.
• 26:39
  They think they know a lot, and they're getting information from not good sources.
• 26:43
  Right?
• 26:44
  So if we can be gone become the source of the best information.
• 26:49
  That's a that's a great thing for us to try to do, but the only way we can do that is if we, I
• 26:56
  think, do 2 things.
• 26:58
  If we say to our kids and demonstrate to our kids that we're gonna level with them, that
• 27:03
  we're gonna tell them the truth even when it's uncomfortable.
• 27:07
  Now that doesn't mean you have to give too much information and you're not entitled to your
• 27:11
  privacy.
• 27:12
  But it means that, like, the best example I always think of is with, divorcing parents or
• 27:18
  parents who have a lot of conflict between themselves.
• 27:20
  You know, A lot of times they think there's a they need to protect their children from the
• 27:25
  animosity in the marriage.
• 27:27
  So they pretend like everything's okay.
• 27:29
  But their children can feel.
• 27:31
  They can feel that it's not okay.
• 27:33
  So if you don't level with them about the fact that you're actually angry, they're gonna
• 27:39
  either not trust you or not trust their own guts.
• 27:42
  But, again, you don't have to say I'm angry because your father is da da da da.
• 27:46
  Just say, you know what?
• 27:47
  Yeah.
• 27:47
  I'm angry.
• 27:48
  I'm doing my best to work through it.
• 27:49
  And then it's like they they can trust you and they can trust themselves.
• 27:54
  So And the other things about sort of leveling with you is, like, you know, how much do you
• 27:59
  tell your child when your child asks something about, you know, drugs or alcohol or whatever?
• 28:03
  Like, you need to think first about these things and you can say, not ready to answer
• 28:07
  that.
• 28:07
  I'm gonna get back to you tomorrow.
• 28:09
  But again, like, you wanna you want them to know that you're actually giving them a
• 28:15
  truthful answer.
• 28:16
  And if you're not sure what's age appropriate, call someone.
• 28:20
  So, I mean, I always think of it as, like, that first, I will level with you.
• 28:23
  And then the second one we already talked about is I will listen to you.
• 28:27
  I'm not promising I'm gonna agree with you.
• 28:29
  But, you know, listening, as you know, is a skill.
• 28:33
  When you listen to actually understand and not to win, it's a totally different thing And the
• 28:40
  good thing is you don't have to just put your opinion over there for a minute and make sure
• 28:46
  you get all the ins and outs so you under stand.
• 28:49
  And then when you're ready to try to give your information, you're gonna know which
• 28:54
  information they actually need that they're saying because you will have understood better
• 28:58
  where they're coming from.
• 29:00
  First first it's just regurgitating.
• 29:02
  Like, it's a free can kind of thing.
• 29:03
  Exactly.
• 29:04
  And then you you lose that connect when you say, oh, I see that you don't see this this
• 29:08
  way.
• 29:08
  Like, I do.
• 29:09
  However, I can see that and you might just kinda park it and think, okay.
• 29:12
  Well, we'll we'll leave that one for a little bit later.
• 29:14
  Maybe.
• 29:15
  You know, and, you know, what I'd like to know from you and we know, buddy, has been
• 29:26
  difficult, you know, so we we deal with families, we we talk to them, and work with
• 29:31
  them around parenting, you have your courses, you know, I what is it that leadership
• 29:37
  companies need to be aware of in reference to the pressures of what people are going through
• 29:43
  from being at home, running lives, parenting, all those things, What what do you think is
• 29:49
  some of the biggest resiliency issues that people are experiencing in 2020 that might
• 29:55
  impact their capacity to be fully productive work?
• 29:58
  I mean, if people have kids at home who are doing online school, I think it is really
• 30:04
  throwing people for elude.
• 30:06
  I think it is very difficult depending on the ages.
• 30:10
  Yeah.
• 30:10
  So I feel like, I mean, first of all, that's a thing.
• 30:13
  If someone actually has younger, maybe, you know, elementary middle school kids,
• 30:18
  homeschooling, or, you know, being stuck at home for school, I just think there's just
• 30:22
  literally not enough time.
• 30:23
  I feel like there there is stuff being put on those parents that it just even when the
• 30:28
  schools don't realize it, it is a lot being put on those parents.
• 30:31
  So they just don't have time.
• 30:33
  And then I think, you know, for for high school and college kids, especially when you're
• 30:40
  supposed to be being independent, you're supposed to be taking small risks and making
• 30:46
  decisions for yourself and suffering consequences in learning and growing.
• 30:49
  And they're just literally not able to do that, and it feels so wrong.
• 30:54
  There I mean, there was age kids are supposed to be with their peers.
• 30:58
  And it's just, it's causing so much friction, I think, for families that, you know, trying to
• 31:05
  do it all.
• 31:05
  I mean, and even even just spouses who are used to having their own time away from each other
• 31:12
  to have to do all that stuff in such close proximity and not have, you know, your break to
• 31:17
  get to, you know, talk about self care, which is a huge part of resilience.
• 31:21
  You know, people are just not able to do it now.
• 31:23
  A friend of mine actually collapsed.
• 31:26
  She's she's has 2 high school daughters and a husband who's, she's actually on a pot she has
• 31:32
  a podcast who I'm a guest on often.
• 31:34
  Her husband's a famous comedian.
• 31:36
  And she just was going about her life, but like all of a sudden, there was so much more to it
• 31:42
  because, you know, she had to do all the all the things, and there wasn't you couldn't have
• 31:46
  any help.
• 31:46
  And she literally was walking through her house and collapsed, and it was exhaustion from just,
• 31:52
  you know, taking care of everyone's needs, except for her own.
• 31:55
  And I don't think she's alone.
• 31:57
  No.
• 31:57
  I I think, you know, and there's a heaviness that I'm finding with, you know, the people
• 32:03
  that I'm coaching, or seeing or just training because you're right.
• 32:08
  We do it.
• 32:09
  Right?
• 32:09
  We keep going.
• 32:10
  And then like, to your friends, like, you know, so that's, I'm sure, quite resilient, but at at
• 32:15
  some point, the body's gonna just the body's gonna put that white flag up and there'll be no
• 32:20
  negotiating.
• 32:21
  Yeah.
• 32:21
  And we, you know, we actually talked the last time.
• 32:24
  I I was on her podcast about the fact that, you know, She was putting everyone's needs in front
• 32:30
  of her own.
• 32:31
  And it's actually not sustainable.
• 32:33
  I mean, it's the reason they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first.
• 32:37
  On the airplane.
• 32:37
  I mean, it's such a good visual because it's actually not sustainable to just burn yourself
• 32:43
  out and then you have nothing to give.
• 32:45
  And, you know, all my resilience research came in the cancer world.
• 32:48
  And so you can imagine the caregivers needed the resilience training as much as the people
• 32:54
  with cancer because they're on the same emotional roller coaster with even less power
• 33:00
  in the situation.
• 33:01
  Right?
• 33:02
  And so their needs just got, you know, put on the back burner.
• 33:06
  So really, employers and, leadership teams need to be aware that generally, I would say through
• 33:12
  2020 that most people are doing their best, is productivity gonna be not at optimal
• 33:19
  functioning?
• 33:20
  Abs loop fee and maybe there'd be a normative kind of element to saying having the
• 33:25
  discussions, like, where are you?
• 33:26
  Like, if you have, you know, you know, I have a, you know, someone attending a university and
• 33:31
  it's different, and he's kind of, you know, in and out on his own still, right, different
• 33:37
  states to someone that say has little ones, you know, maybe a couple little ones and then
• 33:41
  middle school to your point to that kind of and then you're trying to kinda keep them active
• 33:45
  and burn them up, you know, get them to burn some energy and they can't do the normal
• 33:49
  things.
• 33:49
  It's a lot more things.
• 33:50
  So I I hear you when you say that just being kind and empathetic and recognizes that people
• 33:57
  will do their best to try to you know, meet all those needs, but at some point, you don't want
• 34:02
  them to get to the point of where your friend got where it takes a collapse for people to
• 34:06
  recognize.
• 34:07
  I I need to self care has to con take a pivotal point.
• 34:11
  But, you know, leaders could model leaders could model asking what their employees need.
• 34:18
  Doesn't mean they have to give them everything, but why not model having that conversation?
• 34:23
  Because instead of guessing, you know, find out.
• 34:26
  And it and it it always something positive is gonna come out of that conversation even if you
• 34:30
  don't, you know, give them everything.
• 34:32
  Absolutely.
• 34:32
  And I've done a fair amount of, inter use for my book on authentic leadership and leading
• 34:37
  from the heart.
• 34:37
  And some of the most authentic leaders, one particular leader would do, like, a Facebook
• 34:43
  line and he is into yoga and his staff knew that, so he would invite them in.
• 34:49
  You know, other one was reaching out just to have conversation So imagine the CEO of your
• 34:53
  company being on the phone and saying, so here I'm saying, how are you doing?
• 34:56
  You're right.
• 34:57
  Like, I mean, amazing.
• 34:59
  And and he actually did that.
• 35:01
  So I think you are so right, not unlike what the strategies that you're talking about when
• 35:05
  we're talking to our kids, that leaders can do the same to say, hey, Kristen, you know, what's
• 35:10
  what's happening in your world, you know, in your home.
• 35:13
  I know you just got a Zoom and and all of this is going on.
• 35:16
  What's outside of those walls?
• 35:18
  Exactly.
• 35:19
  Kind of what were you doing before and within this hour after this, what what are you picking
• 35:25
  up?
• 35:25
  And I think that creates that that, synergy or connection that we normally would be able to
• 35:31
  get if we were in the same space as we we we were able to kind of dialogue maybe a little
• 35:35
  bit more intimately, but now in a virtual world, we really have to extend, more virtually
• 35:41
  to ask those questions.
• 35:42
  And then and people sharing, then you kind of know, and you have a maybe a little bit more,
• 35:47
  sense of how you can assist them in a different way, not meeting all their needs, like, to your
• 35:52
  point, Right.
• 35:53
  But already from that understanding that that puts you in a nice nicer space where that,
• 35:57
  person you're interfacing with thinks, wow, isn't isn't that nice of he or she's out to
• 36:02
  even ask me some basic questions about my life.
• 36:05
  Well, and, you know, they can also model taking care of themselves Also, you know, because if
• 36:10
  it's genuinely a leader who is resilient and realizes how important it is to take care of
• 36:16
  yourself, then they're gonna That's gonna permeate the workplace, and they will model
• 36:20
  that, and then they will naturally have those conversations because it matters to them.
• 36:26
  Kristen, this has been an amazing conversation.
• 36:28
  I think with, you and I having, you know, kind of like kind of, synergies.
• 36:33
  It's it's it's been a pleasure having you.
• 36:35
  Now I know you have prepared, something special for people to be able to, get some free
• 36:41
  resources.
• 36:41
  So why don't you tell them where they can get those or maybe where they can pick up your
• 36:45
  book.
• 36:45
  And if ever anybody's wanting to consult with you, they can reach out to you direct
• 36:51
  Fantastic.
• 36:51
  Yeah.
• 36:52
  So we created a page for your listeners, and it's McDermott Method, and McDermott is
• 36:56
  macderm0tt.
• 36:59
  So mcdermottmethod.com and then forward slash authentic living.
• 37:03
  So there are a bunch of free resources there to just check out our various online courses or
• 37:08
  just ask questions and I think we have 5 chapters for my book free on there as well.
• 37:12
  So
• 37:13
  and
• 37:13
  you can get myself on Amazon too.
• 37:15
  Awesome.
• 37:16
  Awesome.
• 37:16
  Well, thank you so much again.
• 37:18
  So what am I I'm taking away that, have the conversations and listen to understand you
• 37:26
  know, and, I like I like this point, which I'm sure a lot of parents will like this, is
• 37:31
  doesn't mean you have to give in to every need, but at least in understanding you can decide
• 37:35
  you know, what are some of the parts of the conversation that you need to draw into and or
• 37:40
  maybe ones that are maybe a little bit bigger than you need to kinda put aside for a bit to
• 37:44
  be able to come back to.
• 37:46
  So as parents, or as leaders, those same strategies can be the same things that can be
• 37:51
  applied.
• 37:51
  Yeah.
• 37:52
  Because ultimately, you know, on a, on a, on a deep connection, what is it that we wanna know?
• 37:57
  I wanna know if if Kristin's on the other end of the you know, the computer that she's
• 38:02
  getting me and I'm getting her.
• 38:04
  So whatever it takes to facilitate that connection, you know, try if you're kind of
• 38:09
  lost ask the questions.
• 38:11
  And if, you know, people can direct you when you've kind of misread potentially what they're
• 38:16
  trying to say to you.
• 38:17
  So what I say is go out there, you know, connect as much as you can to whether it's your
• 38:22
  children, to your teams, your partners, And at at work, you know, the same, you know, it's a
• 38:27
  different time, but you can definitely connect in lots of different ways.
• 38:31
  So again, IIROC's and Derhodge, if you're needing any coaching or, information on my
• 38:36
  training and keynote virtual keynote speaking, you can reach me at Roxanne Derhodge.
• 38:41
  Dotcom.
• 38:42
  Thanks for tuning in to authentic living with Roxanne, creating the space for positive,
• 38:48
  healthy change.
• 38:49
  Roxanne is a keen speaker, psychotherapist, and coach to work with Roxanne, visit
• 38:56
  roxannedurhaj.com/blueprint.
• 38:59
  We'll see you next time, an authentic living with Roxanne.