Latest / Alive, I Guess Podcast / Episode 39 - Grief Be Happenin

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Episode 39 - Grief Be Happenin · Alive, I Guess Podcast

0:16
SPEAKER_00: What's up the case?
0:18
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to your safe space.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, RJ, and this is the Alive I Guess Podcast.
0:24
SPEAKER_00: If you're new here, welcome.
0:26
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you for joining.
0:28
SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here, welcome back.
0:31
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you as always.
0:34
SPEAKER_00: Make sure y'all are following us on all social media platforms at Alive I Guess Podcast.
0:41
SPEAKER_00: For any inquiries, email us at alive I guesspodcast at gmail.com.
0:47
SPEAKER_00: And for all I say this with love submissions, visit tinyroyo.com slash AIGP advice.
0:56
SPEAKER_00: Today's conversation is going to be around grief, specifically as it pertains to death and loss of a loved one.
1:05
SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, if you have the great pleasure of loving somebody or many people, you will inevitably run into a point in your life where you have to deal with grief because people pass on, and that is just kind of the way of life.
1:24
SPEAKER_00: And as beautiful as life can be, grief is one of those parts of life that are just um difficult to kind of work with or deal with.
1:35
SPEAKER_00: And it's something that I think is very important that we should discuss.
1:40
SPEAKER_00: But before we do that, you already know we gotta do a moment of gratitude.
1:45
SPEAKER_00: So if you are listening today, say something out loud that you are grateful for.
1:49
SPEAKER_00: And if you are watching, drop something below in the comments today.
1:54
SPEAKER_00: I am grateful for my job and for income.
1:59
SPEAKER_00: These are crazy times we're living in.
2:02
SPEAKER_00: This job market is horrendous.
2:06
SPEAKER_00: It is not the same way stage way of doing things as it was previously.
2:13
SPEAKER_00: Getting a job is not easy.
2:16
SPEAKER_00: And I am very grateful that I was able to get a job and that I do have some income.
2:21
SPEAKER_00: And that's all I gotta say about that.
2:23
SPEAKER_00: It's pretty self-explanatory.
2:25
SPEAKER_00: Shout out to the income.
2:26
SPEAKER_00: But all right, let's get into it.
2:29
SPEAKER_00: Cause grief be happening.
2:31
SPEAKER_00: I understand that there are many different ways we can grieve a person.
2:36
SPEAKER_00: We can grieve people who are still alive, we can grieve relationships, we can grieve past memories and experiences.
2:45
SPEAKER_00: But I feel those types of grief aren't necessarily guaranteed.
2:51
SPEAKER_00: I'm sure they're very likely to happen, but grief as it relates to death is a guarantee.
2:59
SPEAKER_00: Because they say the only two guarantees in life are death and taxes.
3:04
SPEAKER_00: And so if you know people or people in your family, people that you love, people you've encountered, you are going to grieve in your own way when the time comes that that person has passed.
3:16
SPEAKER_00: I feel like grief and death are one of those topics we try to keep away from children because we want them to maintain their innocence for as long as possible.
3:26
SPEAKER_00: Um, but sometimes, you know, loss and death happens to kids when they're young and they experience it.
3:34
SPEAKER_00: They may not understand it fully, but it is something that they can experience.
3:39
SPEAKER_00: Me personally, I experienced my first death when I was five years old.
3:45
SPEAKER_00: And that was my great-grandmother.
3:48
SPEAKER_00: I don't remember much about her.
3:51
SPEAKER_00: I do have these glimpses of like being at her house and always over there with my mom or like my grandma and talking to her, but it was a very small amount of time.
4:22
SPEAKER_00: But I have been dealing with death and loss all of my life and finding that my grieving is looking different throughout the entire time.
4:36
SPEAKER_00: Um, I've had my own relationship with a type of grief all of my life for my sister, who is my only full sibling.
4:48
SPEAKER_00: Um, she passed before I was even born.
4:50
SPEAKER_00: I never met her.
4:52
SPEAKER_00: Like, there are no like pictures or memories of her because of when she passed.
4:57
SPEAKER_00: But I've always had this grief and desire to want to know her and my own ways of honoring her throughout my life.
5:09
SPEAKER_00: But that's been woven into my entire life up to this point and will continue throughout my life.
5:16
SPEAKER_00: Before the show, I really wanted to write down and figure out like, who are all the people that I've lost throughout my life?
5:25
SPEAKER_00: And this isn't a completely comprehensive list of everybody, but these were folks that I recall like really having an impact on me when I lost them.
5:38
SPEAKER_00: So my sister from my earliest memories, like I remember just having my own grief with her.
5:47
SPEAKER_00: Then it was my great-grandmother when I was five, which was in 1999 or 98, I believe, um, and not really understanding.
5:59
SPEAKER_00: But after that, we move on.
6:02
SPEAKER_00: I have my other great-grandmother, which was in 2013.
6:07
SPEAKER_00: So this was shit, like 14 years later.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: So I had a nice little gap of losing someone.
6:15
SPEAKER_00: And at this point, I think I'm like 18, 19.
6:21
SPEAKER_00: So I'm fully aware and fully like understanding the magnitude of this loss.
6:28
SPEAKER_00: I knew my grandma, my great-grandma, we called her Nana.
6:32
SPEAKER_00: Um, she was very active.
6:34
SPEAKER_00: I will always see her.
6:35
SPEAKER_00: So that was like the first real start to my grief.
6:41
SPEAKER_00: Then a couple years later, I lost a family friend who was just like such a light.
6:49
SPEAKER_00: I considered her like an aunt.
6:51
SPEAKER_00: Um, that was in July of 2015, and then about six months later, her husband passed away, which I thought was so beautiful because their marriage, their love for each other was so strong.
7:09
SPEAKER_00: Like, honestly, I'm surprised he lasted that long without her.
7:13
SPEAKER_00: And to see them be reunited was, you know, something that I was more grateful for and appreciated more than the grief of both of their losses, but still a very big, impactful loss in my life and my family's life.
7:33
SPEAKER_00: Um, and then about a year later, uh a little under a year later, I lose my Uncle Tony, which he uh his loss was a bit tragic and sad.
7:47
SPEAKER_00: He actually helped me as I was getting ready to go to college with my conditioning and just really poured into me every time I saw him.
7:56
SPEAKER_00: And then a week later, or like 10 days later, I lost my coach Jam, who was very impactful in my basketball career in high school.
8:09
SPEAKER_00: Like, not even just like basketball, just like me as a person and how much she loved me and showed up for me and really like believed in my next steps and who I would become in life.
8:25
SPEAKER_00: And, you know, when I lost her, I was just kind of having this reality of the older generation, like we're losing the older generation because this was the first loss of someone who was older, and it put into perspective like how much time I have with the older people in my life.
8:50
SPEAKER_00: So that was one that kind of made me like wake up and realize life, I guess.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: Um after that, uh a few months later, I lost my first grandparent.
9:03
SPEAKER_00: Um, she was my granddad's, my yeah, granddad's wife, um, which wasn't my granny, but the woman he married after, my granny.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: Um, and that really put into perspective like losing grandparents.
9:21
SPEAKER_00: Like that's something that is going to happen one day, hopefully no day soon, not speaking that into existence, but just really putting that reality on my radar.
9:34
SPEAKER_00: And then a few years later in December of 2020, I lost a friend from high school, Elias, and his death was very difficult for me to grasp.
9:49
SPEAKER_00: Um, I've also lost a couple other people that I went to school with, but him in particular really hit me hard.
9:57
SPEAKER_00: I actually have a tattoo for him on my hand.
10:01
SPEAKER_00: It's just the letter E with the halo on it because he was really such a light, and one of those people, like nobody really deserves to die, but like really did not deserve to die.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: And it was so unnecessary.
10:18
SPEAKER_00: Um, and it really like shook the community, so that kind of uh rang me a little bit, like rattled me a little bit, and then that's when things really started to uh intensify in terms of the losses.
10:39
SPEAKER_00: So the 2020s is when um the deaths start to hit a little bit harder.
10:44
SPEAKER_00: Um, 2022 is when in April I lost my dog suddenly, honey.
10:53
SPEAKER_00: And that was the hardest death that I've had to this date.
10:58
SPEAKER_00: Um couple months later, I also lost my nephew.
11:01
SPEAKER_00: His death was extremely hard as well.
11:04
SPEAKER_00: Um, honey's was very sudden.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: My uncle, my nephew's was expected and like a slower process.
11:13
SPEAKER_00: So, you know, both of those in the same year within a few months, 2021, 2022, 2023 was a very, very difficult year.
11:28
SPEAKER_00: Um, I honor both of them in my life.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: I have a tattoo of honey right here.
11:35
SPEAKER_00: Um, I have a chain, a necklace with my nephew on it.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, those are two that have really just like stuck with me and stick with me on a daily basis.
11:48
SPEAKER_00: Um, I've had a few deaths throughout the years within there as well.
11:54
SPEAKER_00: Um, and then recently with the loss of my younger cousin this past June, um, who was 22 and lost her life to um a drunk driver.
12:07
SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I am very aware uh that with life comes death and with love comes pain.
12:16
SPEAKER_00: And I'm very fortunate to love and be loved by so many, but I also know what's ahead of me and what is unavoidable.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: We will dive into spirituality and the things that I do to honor my ancestors on another episode, but when it comes to people that I have lost, I like to honor them.
12:41
SPEAKER_00: I like to honor their spirits, I like to believe that they never really leave us.
12:47
SPEAKER_00: Um, and they still have a heavy influence on what we do in the world and in our lives.
12:54
SPEAKER_00: So I always try to move through life with the understanding that one, they're watching.
13:00
SPEAKER_00: They are watching.
13:00
SPEAKER_00: You do not want to disappoint them.
13:02
SPEAKER_00: But two, living and wanting to live in the purest, most wholesome, fulfilling way possible for those who didn't get the opportunity to do so.
13:17
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe people have had long, healthy lives and wanting to live a long, healthy, fulfilling life as they did.
13:25
SPEAKER_00: You know, like I look at them more as inspiration to want to live deeper than like a tragedy and a negative that they're no longer here.
13:39
SPEAKER_00: Because to me, they are still here, here, just not in the physical.
13:43
SPEAKER_00: Even though I have my own ways of honoring people once they've passed, that still does not help with the grief.
13:50
SPEAKER_00: The grief is something you really cannot run from.
13:54
SPEAKER_00: You can't sleep it away, you can't drink it away.
13:58
SPEAKER_00: Cranes in the sky.
13:59
SPEAKER_00: What was Solange talking about?
14:01
SPEAKER_00: You can't do none of that to get rid of the grief.
14:03
SPEAKER_00: The grief is going to hit you, it's going to hit you in unexpected waves, it's gonna hit you not in the order in the ways that which grief shows up.
14:12
SPEAKER_00: It's gonna hit you in whatever way it hits you.
14:16
SPEAKER_00: And when it does, there isn't much you can do to get out of it.
14:21
SPEAKER_00: You just have to move through it.
14:23
SPEAKER_00: And it's a process, it's something you can't really speed up, it's not something you can pass on and help have other people help you with.
14:34
SPEAKER_00: Like it's really personal, and it's really something that can at times consume you.
14:40
SPEAKER_00: We all know the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
14:49
SPEAKER_00: Those are the stages, but it's not necessarily like the way in which you move through grief.
14:55
SPEAKER_00: I wish it was just a smooth process, be like, I'm gonna hit this, I'm gonna hit this, I'm gonna hit this, and it's all gonna happen at once, and then I'm gonna be okay.
15:03
SPEAKER_00: But it hits you in waves, it hits you at different times.
15:07
SPEAKER_00: You can go so long doing so well, not worried about anything, and then you will be hit by some emotion, some thing you want to try and rationale, a memory, something will make that grief be triggered, and you'll be right back in it.
15:25
SPEAKER_00: I still get triggered on my nephew and my dog, and even people behind that that have been passed for many years at this point.
15:36
SPEAKER_00: There was one time I was experiencing grief for people in the future who haven't passed.
15:42
SPEAKER_00: Like, it's it's a very difficult thing to try and manage because there is no managing it.
15:53
SPEAKER_00: It's just something that you have to be in.
15:57
SPEAKER_00: And when you're in it, it doesn't feel like the movies, it doesn't look like you being hauled up in a room and isolating.
16:06
SPEAKER_00: Not every time, it could look completely different.
16:08
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it looks like you living more dangerously or carefree because you're trying to rationalize or bargain, or maybe it looks like you are just crying uncontrollably.
16:23
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it looks like you are being more active and more present because you're trying to keep yourself distracted.
16:30
SPEAKER_00: Like it doesn't look like a one-size-fits-all type of thing because everybody grieves very differently.
16:38
SPEAKER_00: The way you grieve may not be the way that I grieve.
16:42
SPEAKER_00: I feel like I am more depressed in depressive episodes than I am depressed in grief.
16:56
SPEAKER_00: I feel like when I am in these depressive episodes, I am like paralyzed.
17:03
SPEAKER_00: I can't do anything.
17:05
SPEAKER_00: But when I'm in a grief depression, I feel kind of like numb and going through the motions, and I feel like I'm kind of on autopilot.
17:15
SPEAKER_00: And so it's different, it's a different type of depression when I'm grieving.
17:20
SPEAKER_00: So, like, all that to say, like the grieving process for everyone is very unique and it can look different depending on when it hits you.
17:28
SPEAKER_00: The death that makes me really recognize that grief is not linear, it's not uniform, it's not expected, is my nephew.
17:42
SPEAKER_00: So my nephew was 13 months old when he passed.
17:46
SPEAKER_00: And his death was, again, not unexpected.
17:50
SPEAKER_00: Um, but that doesn't make it any easier, you know.
17:56
SPEAKER_00: We had time to accept it before it got there to that point when he passed.
18:02
SPEAKER_00: And it was like um, I don't want to say the wrong thing.
18:07
SPEAKER_00: It was a process, his life was a process that was what would seem like a simpler way to accept a death because of how it happened, which would you would think make it easier to accept once it happened.
18:27
SPEAKER_00: But even with that, like even knowing what was to be expected, I was in denial.
18:35
SPEAKER_00: And then after the fact, I was still in denial.
18:39
SPEAKER_00: And then there were parts where I was bargaining, you know, and there was a lot of depression around it.
18:49
SPEAKER_00: Um, and there was a lot of anger because of like life can be unfair, and that kind of got mixed into the bargaining.
19:01
SPEAKER_00: And then there was like the acceptance of like, okay, I accept that this is what it is.
19:08
SPEAKER_00: But even after you accept, you kind of go through the stages again and you're back angry and you're back depressed.
19:15
SPEAKER_00: Like, it really is a roller coaster of emotions and it comes on its own time.
19:21
SPEAKER_00: Um, every year in May is hard when his birthday is, and every year in June is hard, you know?
19:30
SPEAKER_00: Like April is very hard.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: That's my sister's birthday, that's when my dog passed.
19:35
SPEAKER_00: Like, and as more people pass in life, whenever they pass, there's gonna be more harder times.
19:42
SPEAKER_00: Like, there isn't any real way to run from it, unfortunately.
19:47
SPEAKER_00: Um, but it's important that you continue to move through the grief because the grief can pile up on you and it can consume you and it can drag you down if you do not move through it as best you can.
20:05
SPEAKER_00: There's not to say like you'll never stop grieving in some cases, but like you can't let it just hold you down in that grief.
20:14
SPEAKER_00: It's been over four years since my dog has passed.
20:19
SPEAKER_00: And I when it comes to her specifically, that has been like a harder thing for me to accept in terms of accepting grief because it's like she's a dog, you know.
20:32
SPEAKER_00: So, like on paper, it's kind of like why why is the grief that heavy?
20:36
SPEAKER_00: But honey was like, it wasn't like she was just like my pet.
20:42
SPEAKER_00: It was like I don't know who on what spiritual realm sent her to me, but she literally was sent to me.
20:55
SPEAKER_00: Like she was like an angel, my angel on earth.
21:11
SPEAKER_00: See, hold on, told y'all grief it comes when it wants, and it comes as strongly as it comes, and even when you think you've moved past it four years later, like grief is really one of those crazy ass things that you really just can't escape.
21:32
SPEAKER_00: It's a part of being alive, it's a part of loving someone or something so greatly and so deeply that it's something that you also have to accept is a part of that love.
21:45
SPEAKER_00: But to my point, grief can be one of those things that can show up long after a loss when people expect you to be over it.
21:56
SPEAKER_00: Like it's been this long, you still aren't over it.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: That's not how grief works.
22:01
SPEAKER_00: That's not how love works.
22:03
SPEAKER_00: Grief doesn't honor a timeline.
22:05
SPEAKER_00: Grief doesn't care about how long it's been.
22:08
SPEAKER_00: And there's a deep loneliness in a world that you were still grieving in that still expects you to just be okay and get over it and be back to normal fast, honestly.
22:23
SPEAKER_00: With grieving, there's also this isolation of the person who is holding the deepest amount of grief when the rest of the world, everyone around you, seems to have moved on.
22:37
SPEAKER_00: I look at my, I almost called her my friend.
22:42
SPEAKER_00: That is family, the mother of my nephew.
22:46
SPEAKER_00: Although we were all in this situation together.
22:49
SPEAKER_00: It was her, it was my wife, it was myself.
22:52
SPEAKER_00: We are hands-on.
22:53
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking the three of us were there for his birth, and the three of us were there for his passing.
23:00
SPEAKER_00: Like we were all in this throughout his life.
23:05
SPEAKER_00: All the different things that happened in his life were there.
23:10
SPEAKER_00: But that's still her child.
23:18
SPEAKER_00: Like that's his mom.
23:22
SPEAKER_00: Like, you can't grieve harder than a mother with their child.
23:29
SPEAKER_00: And so there's just levels of grief that I'm not even going to be able to comprehend that she goes through, even though I was there for the whole thing.
23:40
SPEAKER_00: Even though I share all the same memories that she shares.
23:43
SPEAKER_00: Well, most a lot of the same memories she shares with him.
23:47
SPEAKER_00: Like, and so, like, there is some sort of isolation and loneliness in that because although, yes, it hurts, like that was not my child, that was her child.
24:00
SPEAKER_00: So her grief is much stronger than mine.
24:03
SPEAKER_00: And she is going to be in these pockets of grief a lot more than I am, you know?
24:09
SPEAKER_00: Like, there might be other losses along the way that I experience, and there might be other losses along the way that she experiences.
24:19
SPEAKER_00: But like, there's only one time you experience something like that for her.
24:24
SPEAKER_00: So even though we've been present, like there are certain levels that I'm unable to go with her it.
24:33
SPEAKER_00: She knows she has me forever, regardless, like hands down.
24:39
SPEAKER_00: But like I can't relate to that.
24:41
SPEAKER_00: Just like people can't relate and go with me on this loss of my sister or with honey.
24:50
SPEAKER_00: Like, you aren't in my shoes to understand how deeply it is that I'm feeling this.
24:57
SPEAKER_00: And even if we shared the life with this person together, you aren't walking this path with me.
25:06
SPEAKER_00: You can be walking your path at the same time as I, but you aren't in the same grief that I'm in.
25:14
SPEAKER_00: You aren't feeling what I'm feeling in this moment.
25:17
SPEAKER_00: Even if it was like we had the same exact, complete experience, everybody's grief experience is completely different.
25:27
SPEAKER_00: So there's going to be a level of isolation that you have during a grieving process.
25:33
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, especially when there's been a lot of time that's happened from a loss, people don't really recognize that as grief.
25:43
SPEAKER_00: You know, sometimes people just think that you're over it because it's been so long and don't even connect the fact that you could still be grieving over this loss that you've had, even though it's been many years.
25:57
SPEAKER_00: I think about people who've lost their parents like 15, 20, 30, 40 years ago, and they still get sad or go through grief during certain times of the year.
26:09
SPEAKER_00: At least that's when it becomes more apparent.
26:11
SPEAKER_00: Like you don't understand that a person can grieve, like, there's no time limit on when grief stops.
26:19
SPEAKER_00: It still comes up.
26:21
SPEAKER_00: It's still something that happens.
26:23
SPEAKER_00: My wife lost her grandmother the year we met, 2016, I believe, or 2015.
26:30
SPEAKER_00: One of those years.
26:31
SPEAKER_00: It's been over 10 years.
26:33
SPEAKER_00: She is still grieving the loss of her grandmother.
26:36
SPEAKER_00: She still honors her grandmother and feels very connected to her grandmother, misses her grandmother deeply.
26:43
SPEAKER_00: Like it's not something that just goes away with time.
26:47
SPEAKER_00: And that's why I really hate that saying time heals all.
26:50
SPEAKER_00: Cause who said that?
26:52
SPEAKER_00: Who said that?
26:54
SPEAKER_00: Let you get an infection and don't do shit and let time just heal it.
26:59
SPEAKER_00: Let's see how healed you get.
27:01
SPEAKER_00: Like, that is crazy.
27:02
SPEAKER_00: Time does not heal all, it doesn't heal anything, it just puts a little time and space in between it so that it becomes more callous, but it's not healed.
27:12
SPEAKER_00: Like, we need to do away with that saying, because that really blows me.
27:17
SPEAKER_00: Because time does not heal all, especially not grief.
27:21
SPEAKER_00: Like, grief really reshapes you, it really changes how you are, how you feel.
27:30
SPEAKER_00: You have a hole, a void.
27:33
SPEAKER_00: You're missing something in your life that you've known.
27:38
SPEAKER_00: I know I cannot run from this.
27:41
SPEAKER_00: I have been very blessed to have the people in my life as long as we've had, and I have not lost someone like extremely close in proximity to me up until last year.
27:56
SPEAKER_00: And even that, he wasn't super close to me.
28:01
SPEAKER_00: I fully recognize I have a lot of pain ahead of me because I have a lot of people that I love dearly who I am so grateful and thankful to still be alive.
28:17
SPEAKER_00: But nobody's immortal.
28:20
SPEAKER_00: And so eventually we are going to hit a point when we start losing people, and I know that weight, that grief is going to completely change me.
28:35
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to predetermine anything or speak anything into existence, but I know how deeply I love these people.
28:44
SPEAKER_00: The grief that I experience in their absence is going to be as deep as the love that they have from me today.
28:56
SPEAKER_00: And that type of love, that intensity turned into grief is not something that you can just be normal with experiencing.
29:08
SPEAKER_00: Episode 20.
29:10
SPEAKER_00: I did the episode with the amazing so Lauren Adams, and she has a project called Good Grief.
29:19
SPEAKER_00: And this album was like her opening her experience around the loss of four grandparents within, I believe, a year.
29:33
SPEAKER_00: She lost four grandparents, two of which she lost within 10 hours of each other.
29:40
SPEAKER_00: And the songs, the music, the lyrics that she has on this project really shine light on the ways in which a person can grieve and the absence of the person who's still alive, like that hole that's in your heart, the ways in which you try to pick yourself up when you're grieving.
30:05
SPEAKER_00: And even like after you've picked yourself up and you accept it, like there are just certain things that trigger the grief or can remind you of them and put you right back into that grieving process.
30:18
SPEAKER_00: If you have not heard this project, it's an amazing piece of work.
30:23
SPEAKER_00: Go get that on Bandcamp and thank me later.
30:27
SPEAKER_00: Another incredible piece of work that I listened to is The Blue Hour by Rex Life Raj.
30:36
SPEAKER_00: And that album is about him losing his father and then he lost his mother.
30:44
SPEAKER_00: He's an only child, he is very close to his parents, and when they passed, like that whole album just walks through grieving and the ways in which he grieved and how deeply he loved and how heavy the grief can be.
31:03
SPEAKER_00: And although grief is a very difficult thing, it's very heavy, it is rooted in a place of love.
31:11
SPEAKER_00: And I feel like that's why so many beautiful things can be birthed out of grief.
31:18
SPEAKER_00: Like I truly believe that, you know, and that's why it's also important not to be consumed by the grief.
31:24
SPEAKER_00: You can turn that pain into something that can honor them and also help you feel better in the process.
31:31
SPEAKER_00: Both of those things have helped me in this grieving process.
31:35
SPEAKER_00: I, you know, just recently lost my cousin, and that really hit me along with what happened with my aunt, who is doing much better now, thank everything that had a hand in that.
31:54
SPEAKER_00: But that was something that completely rocked me.
31:59
SPEAKER_00: And when I tend to grieve, I tend to go to music because I can't make sense of all these things that I'm feeling, but I need to move this through me somehow, somehow, because I do not have the strength to get up and to talk, to call anybody.
32:15
SPEAKER_00: I can't do it.
32:17
SPEAKER_00: So I need to listen to this music, listen to this song that puts what I'm feeling into words.
32:25
SPEAKER_00: So when I'm on the floor, bawling, can't move, I'm crying for days.
32:33
SPEAKER_00: I listen to music, and that helped me like one, move it out of my system, at least as much as possible, but two redirect my grief.
32:45
SPEAKER_00: Because when I was just sitting in it, I'm sitting in it, and it's taking me out.
32:50
SPEAKER_00: It's taking me out.
32:52
SPEAKER_00: I I can't let the grief sit with me.
32:56
SPEAKER_00: So I find my outlet in music.
32:58
SPEAKER_00: And once that is able to get me to somewhat of a better place where I'm able to get up at least, then I'm able to carry on and do other things that can also help me with the grief.
33:10
SPEAKER_00: But you notice how I'm saying help and not fix, not remove, not take me out of, because there's no such thing.
33:18
SPEAKER_00: You really have to just move through the grief.
33:21
SPEAKER_00: So I move on.
33:23
SPEAKER_00: I try and live life for them.
33:26
SPEAKER_00: I try to be the person that I know they would want me to be.
33:31
SPEAKER_00: When my aunt was in the hospital, and I'm unable to speak to her, I'm unable to talk to her.
33:39
SPEAKER_00: When I lost my nephew, and I look at how resilient he was and how much of a fighter he was.
33:49
SPEAKER_00: I look at how much of a fighter my aunt is.
33:53
SPEAKER_00: I am saying to myself, like, I have to keep going for them.
33:57
SPEAKER_00: If they could keep going, if they kept going, I can keep going.
34:03
SPEAKER_00: And I really look at that and I use it, and it has helped me.
34:08
SPEAKER_00: But even with that, there is a guilt.
34:10
SPEAKER_00: Like the survivor's guilt, oh my God, it is so real.
34:15
SPEAKER_00: Like it kind of feels like how dare you enjoy life when this is happening?
34:20
SPEAKER_00: How dare you enjoy life when this person's no longer here who would trade places with you in a second to be here?
34:27
SPEAKER_00: Like it feels very guilty to enjoy pleasure, to enjoy joy, to enjoy anything with life.
34:37
SPEAKER_00: Like it really sucks, especially when you're grieving.
34:41
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like survivor's guilt on top of grief, baby.
34:46
SPEAKER_00: Like, please just give me a break, you know?
34:48
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm already barely hanging on here.
34:50
SPEAKER_00: I don't feel this way now on a logical level, but like emotionally, I also feel like sometimes if you heal, it feels like you're forgetting the person, which has its own sort of guilt with it.
35:09
SPEAKER_00: But I've learned and I fully accepted that healing isn't forgiving, it's just healing yourself so that you can carry this grief that you will always have differently.
35:24
SPEAKER_00: I will never forget my ancestors, the people who've passed on.
35:29
SPEAKER_00: I've never met my sister.
35:31
SPEAKER_00: And it's been 32 plus years, and I still honor her every day, every game in high school, every game in college, I dedicated to her.
35:41
SPEAKER_00: Everything that I do, I dedicate to her.
35:45
SPEAKER_00: I honor her in many different ways.
35:49
SPEAKER_00: Many different ways.
35:51
SPEAKER_00: And like I just had to really let it sit in that, like, if you heal, that doesn't mean you've forgotten.
36:00
SPEAKER_00: It just means that you are healing.
36:03
SPEAKER_00: You're trying to heal for yourself so that you can live.
36:07
SPEAKER_00: But you'll never ever forget.
36:10
SPEAKER_00: I have tattoos for both of them, my sister and my dog.
36:14
SPEAKER_00: So I'm not gonna forget.
36:16
SPEAKER_00: You're not gonna forget if you're choosing to heal through it.
36:19
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to sit in the grief to feel like you are serving their life and their legacy.
36:26
SPEAKER_00: Like you can heal and still grieve and still honor the people that you've lost.
36:31
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to feel bad to show that you love this person.
36:36
SPEAKER_00: So we must learn to let grief and a fulfilling life coexist because they can coexist.
36:45
SPEAKER_00: You can grieve, have moments of grief, and you can have moments of joy.
36:49
SPEAKER_00: You can have moments of grief and moments of excitement and looking forward to the future.
36:56
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to just be in grief all the time.
37:00
SPEAKER_00: Or you can be in grief and you can still do things.
37:05
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to stop living with the person that you lost.
37:09
SPEAKER_00: Like you can still keep going, you can still have a very fulfilling life and still grieve them and still honor them and still remember them.
37:17
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't all end, your life does not end when their life ends.
37:22
SPEAKER_00: As much as it feels like it does, it does not.
37:25
SPEAKER_00: So we must learn to let the two coexist at the same time.
37:30
SPEAKER_00: And they can.
37:31
SPEAKER_00: There are practices that I personally do that, again, we will get into on another episode.
37:40
SPEAKER_00: Um, ways in which that I honor people who've passed on.
37:44
SPEAKER_00: That helps me tremendously, especially in moments of grief, especially in like death aversaries or birthdays or significant dates that come up.
37:54
SPEAKER_00: Um, but also there are practices that you don't have to do.
37:58
SPEAKER_00: Like it doesn't depend on your beliefs or religious backgrounds or anything.
38:03
SPEAKER_00: Like the parts that have to do with how you take care of yourself, getting help, talking to people who have been there, listening to music, journaling, moving it through your body, out of your body, instead of letting it sit there and ferment and consume you, because that's not going to make you feel better.
38:25
SPEAKER_00: I know it feels like something you have to do, or like you feel like you don't deserve or you shouldn't live your life and enjoy life, but that is not the answer.
38:37
SPEAKER_00: So we have to do things that bring us joy, that bring us peace, even if it's small, even if it's spread out over many years, even if it looks different from how it looked before, but you have to keep living.
38:53
SPEAKER_00: And I know it's hard, but I believe and I feel just based on experience, like keeping the memories alive ultimately will help you in the long run.
39:07
SPEAKER_00: I know at first it's hard, I understand, but honoring the person that they were, celebrating them instead of focusing on this one moment of their death and everything after that really helps me.
39:23
SPEAKER_00: I know there are certain things like you just can't fix, you're gonna always feel, but you can also hold the celebration as well.
39:30
SPEAKER_00: You can hold the good parts of their life or just the good parts about experiencing them.
39:36
SPEAKER_00: So having pictures up, looking at memories when you are in the place to do so.
39:42
SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying dive in, retrig yourself, and get all messed up.
39:46
SPEAKER_00: No, I'm saying be gentle with yourself in this process.
39:49
SPEAKER_00: Take your time, and when you feel you can handle something, even if it's small, looking at the memories.
39:58
SPEAKER_00: That helps me out a lot.
40:01
SPEAKER_00: Finally, give yourself permission to grieve on your timeline and don't predetermine what that timeline is because I promise you, you're not gonna stick to it.
40:13
SPEAKER_00: Grief is a lifelong journey, it's something that you will always deal with.
40:18
SPEAKER_00: It's gonna hit you at different times.
40:20
SPEAKER_00: There's going to be different people that you grieve along the way.
40:23
SPEAKER_00: So just give yourself the okay that hey, I'm gonna grieve, and I'm gonna grieve when I'm gonna grieve, how I'm gonna grieve.
40:32
SPEAKER_00: It's just is what it is.
40:33
SPEAKER_00: It's gonna happen because it don't have no finish line, and that's just the reality of it.
40:38
SPEAKER_00: You have to build a relationship with it because it is this thing that you will be in for the rest of your life, it's something that will come and go for the rest of your life.
40:48
SPEAKER_00: So work on building that relationship with it instead of letting it stop your life when it shows up.
40:54
SPEAKER_00: I feel like grief is love for a person that doesn't have anywhere else to go.
41:03
SPEAKER_00: And that to me is worth honoring, not rushing, not trying to avoid.
41:08
SPEAKER_00: Like grief and love are two sides of the same coin.
41:12
SPEAKER_00: So if you love this person, and I know you do because you're grieving them.
41:17
SPEAKER_00: That's why it hurts so much, because you love them so much.
41:20
SPEAKER_00: Love them enough to honor yourself and to keep going through this process.
41:26
SPEAKER_00: I know how much it hurts.
41:28
SPEAKER_00: I know it feels like you'll never make it through.
41:30
SPEAKER_00: You will make it through, you will feel better eventually.
41:35
SPEAKER_00: Not completely, it'll never leave you.
41:37
SPEAKER_00: It's something you will always have because you love this person, but it will feel better eventually.
41:45
SPEAKER_00: Just keep going.
41:46
SPEAKER_00: Do not stop living with them.
41:49
SPEAKER_00: Live for them.
41:51
SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
41:52
SPEAKER_00: Let's shift gears into this I Say This With Love.
41:55
SPEAKER_00: As a reminder, if you're interested in submitting for I Say This With Love, you would visit tinyurl.com slash AIGP advice, submit your info there, and I will read it during one of these episodes.
42:08
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to work, I don't want to grind, I don't want to aspire to grow in a career felt.
42:14
SPEAKER_00: I want to live life, touch grass, eat good food, rest abundantly, and feel good.
42:22
SPEAKER_00: I want a soft life, not this life of God's toughest soldier.
42:27
SPEAKER_00: I'm tired of struggling and working myself into the ground.
42:31
SPEAKER_00: There has to be more to life than this because I refuse to believe this is all life is about.
42:38
SPEAKER_00: Work for your entire life until you die.
42:41
SPEAKER_00: I think the fuck not.
42:43
SPEAKER_00: You're creative.
42:45
SPEAKER_00: How are you sustaining your lifestyle and paying the bills on this creative endeavor?
42:49
SPEAKER_00: I'm an artist and I want to pursue it full time, but I don't know how.
42:54
SPEAKER_00: I say this with love, babe.
42:56
SPEAKER_00: I um am not.
42:58
SPEAKER_00: I'm not at that stage in life where I can do this full time.
43:02
SPEAKER_00: I know I will be one day.
43:04
SPEAKER_00: I know I'm working towards that, but as of right now, I'm not there.
43:09
SPEAKER_00: I am not getting paid to do this.
43:11
SPEAKER_00: This is just an expense off the top that I am footing the bill for.
43:16
SPEAKER_00: I'm not at the place where people are paying for me to do a podcast.
43:21
SPEAKER_00: They're not paying to be on my platform.
43:24
SPEAKER_00: And so that is why, and I've talked about it a lot, I had to go get a job.
43:30
SPEAKER_00: Because, you know, hopes and dreams ain't paying the bills.
43:33
SPEAKER_00: You can't deposit that into your checking account.
43:36
SPEAKER_00: So as someone who is also pursuing the same things that you were pursuing, I would say you need income.
43:46
SPEAKER_00: Income.
43:47
SPEAKER_00: Now, I do believe there are other ways you can't get an income that are outside of a job, but you need income until you are at a place where your art can sustain your lifestyle, your bills, your expenses, until you are at There, keep that income, get that income.
44:03
SPEAKER_00: So, yes, I do do this, uh, still pretty full-time, but now I also have a full-time job that I am balancing the two until I get to a place where this is paying me enough to where I don't need the job.
44:18
SPEAKER_00: I'm not there.
44:20
SPEAKER_00: So, right now I'm doing both, and it's a grind.
44:23
SPEAKER_00: And we're artists and we're sensitive about our shit.
44:26
SPEAKER_00: So I'm not just about to take money for the sake of taking money for anybody.
44:30
SPEAKER_00: Like certain corporations could come right now offering me a bag.
44:35
SPEAKER_00: I'm not signing that check because I got morals.
44:38
SPEAKER_00: But when things align, opportunities present themselves that I'm aligned with, and it starts to pick up, and them checks get bigger and bigger.
44:49
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, then we we in a dough.
44:52
SPEAKER_00: But right now we we are not there.
44:54
SPEAKER_00: So keep that income, keep working on the dream, keep working on your art, do not put it down.
45:00
SPEAKER_00: It is difficult to maintain both.
45:03
SPEAKER_00: It's difficult.
45:04
SPEAKER_00: I ain't gonna sit here and lie to you.
45:06
SPEAKER_00: It's a lot of work, and you have less time to do so.
45:11
SPEAKER_00: But if it matters to you, if that's what you're focusing on, you get it done.
45:16
SPEAKER_00: You find ways to sustain, you find ways to balance the two or integrate the two into your life because sometimes it's going to be off balance.
45:24
SPEAKER_00: You're only human, you can only do what you want or do what you can with your capacity.
45:29
SPEAKER_00: But if that is something that you truly want for yourself, you can make it happen, but it's going to be a grind.
45:37
SPEAKER_00: And in that grind, you go need some income.
45:40
SPEAKER_00: So figure out whatever that is.
45:43
SPEAKER_00: If you can do part-times of different jobs that you don't really give a fuck about, so you can have more time, do that.
45:49
SPEAKER_00: If you could sell stuff that you have, I don't know, do that.
45:53
SPEAKER_00: But you need to pay your bills and keep working on your art.
45:58
SPEAKER_00: And eventually, one day, you will get to a place so long as you keep working on that and keep building where you can have the things that you are asking for.
46:08
SPEAKER_00: But we ain't there yet, so keep that job or get a different way of making money, but stay focused.
46:16
SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
46:18
SPEAKER_00: That is it for today.
46:20
SPEAKER_00: I am spent.
46:22
SPEAKER_00: This was a very emotionally charged episode.
46:25
SPEAKER_00: Y'all done got me on this crayon crying.
46:28
SPEAKER_00: So, with that being said, make sure y'all are following us on the socials, hitting us on an email for all inquiries, and tapping in with that I say this with love link at the tiny URL for all your submissions.
46:41
SPEAKER_00: But I, from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate y'all.
46:45
SPEAKER_00: Like, I didn't think getting on his camera and being vulnerable and pouring my heart out would be something that I would enjoy on the harder episodes, but like I'm very grateful that y'all care and that it helps you, and that this is all like not just for nothing.
47:04
SPEAKER_00: So thank you.
47:06
SPEAKER_00: And as always, I'm RJ.
47:09
SPEAKER_00: This is the Alive I Guest podcast, and I'll see y'all same time next week.
47:14
SPEAKER_00: I'm alive.
47:16
SPEAKER_00: I'ma live I guess I guess I'ma live I guess I'm a live I guess.