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Repairing The Damage · Sober Readings

• Scott Hayes: Good morning everyone, welcome back to Sober Readings. My name is Scott, I'm your reader for today. Today is Sunday, september thirteenth. Let's get started today with the serenity prayer. God, grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. Today's reading from Daily Reflections, Repairing the Damage. Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence. These are the qualities we shall need when we take step nine. That's from twelve steps and twelve traditions, page eighty nine. To make amends can be viewed two ways. First, that of repairing damage, for if I had damaged my neighbor's fence, I make amend, and that is a direct amend. The second way is by modifying my behavior. For if my actions have harmed someone, I make a daily effort to cause no further harm. I mend my ways, and that is an indirect amend. Which is the best approach? The only right approach, provided that I am causing no further harm in doing so, is to do both. If harm is done, then I simply mend my ways. To take action in this manner assures me of making honest amends. Today's reading from 24 hours a day, September thirteenth, AA Thought for the Day. No one is too discredited, nor has sunk too low to be welcomed cordially into AA, if he or she means business. Social distinctions, petty rivalries, and jealousies are laughed out of countenance. Being wrecked in the same vessel, being restored and united under one God, with hearts and minds attuned to the welfare of others, the things that matter so much to some people no longer signify much to us. In AA, we have true democracy and true brotherhood. And the question is, has AA taught me to be truly democratic? The Meditation for the Day. When you call on God in prayer to help you overcome weakness, sorrow, pain, discord, and conflict, God never fails in some way to answer the appeal. When you are in need of strength for yourself or for the help of some other person, call on God in prayer. The power you need will come simply, naturally, and forcefully. Pray to God not only when you need help, But also just a commune with him. The spirit of prayer can alter an atmosphere from one of discord to one of reconciliation. It will raise the quality of thought and word and bring order out of chaos. In today's prayer for the day, I pray that I may bring peace where there is discord. I pray that I may bring conciliation where there is conflict. And for today's final reading, I'm going to read a chapter from this book called There's More to Quitting Drinking Than Quitting Drinking. And it's written by Paul O. And the subtitle is Alcoholism is Both a Drinking and a Thinking Problem. Recovery can't take place without abstinence, but abstinence alone is not recovery. And so this is chapter 10, and it's titled Problems. Most of my problems in sobriety today are thinking problems. I don't have a problem unless I think I do. When I think I have a problem, I have a problem. If I don't think I have a problem, I don't have a problem. Not only do I alone decide whether or not I have a problem, I alone determine the size of my problems. I don't have many little problems, I don't bother with them. Like resentments, I stick to the justifiable variety. When I do have a little problem, all I have to do to make it a big problem is to think about it. Whatever I put mental energy into will grow. As a boy, I read in Reader's Digest that you can judge a person by what makes them angry. From then on, I searched for problems worthy of my anger. As a physician, I dedicated my life to working on problems, my own or anyone else's. I became a problem magnet. When I couldn't find enough of my own, I borrowed yours. My that's an interesting problem you have there. May I have it for a while? Meanwhile, I exaggerated, inflated, and manufactured problems while remaining on the lookout for more, and I always found them. I was like the young woman at an Al Anon meeting who said her father told her as a child, most of the things we worry about don't happen. So, ever an obedient child, she established a worry policy. She protected herself by worrying about things in order to keep them from happening. She displayed the kind of logic that says most auto accidents occur within twenty miles of your home. So move. Problems have always enjoyed a position of exaggerated importance in my life. Early on I came to the conclusion that the people with the most problems get the most attention, and who doesn't like attention? People don't want to hear how easy your life is, they want to hear about your problems. The TV evening news stresses nothing else. Facing problems is the stuff of which heroes are made. Without problems, you wouldn't have an identity. How can people think of you as being heroic if they don't know you're surviving in spite of it all? So tell them. Wine a little or a lot. You want some cheese with that wine? I grew up thinking all people of intelligence and stamina worked on their problems by thinking about them until they came up with an answer. I've discovered that approach works the opposite for me. Problems I think about grow bigger and bigger. At first I'll think, well, that's certainly not a problem. But in short time I can see where it could be sort of a problem. Soon I'm thinking, say this is a bit of a problem. In no time I'm telling myself. It's a good thing I'm looking at this because it's really a problem. One of the problems with problems is their high mortality rate. Ignored, they, like delicate plants, wither and die. Problems need a continuous flow of conversation, plus lots of water and fertilizer. They demand constant attention and energy. Problems need to feel important. Have you ever had a problem so delicate you couldn't leave it alone long enough to go to a meeting? Tonight is meeting night. Are you going to be there? ⁓ no, I have to stay home and work on my problem. You know, if you waste time going to a meeting, by the time you get back, your problem may have wilted to the point where you might not be able to bring it back. Problems refuse to be ignored. When we work with newcomers and other alcoholics, they disappear. They get bored waiting and leave to find someone else willing to give them the uninterrupted attention they demand. In general, we do the same thing. Most often, we don't solve our problems, we merely tire of them and move on to the next problem, and then the next. And that's the end of chapter ten, but you know what? I'm gonna continue on to chapter eleven, which is titled Think, Do, Feel. In years past, I often watched myself as I behaved in a totally unacceptable manner. Drinking, slamming doors, saying things I didn't want to say, doing things I didn't want to do. As a practicing alcoholic, I lacked self-control. Today I see myself as a spiritual being with three distinct human facets: my thinking, my actions, my feelings. I might, for example, think to myself: I'd like to do something nice for Max. I'll buy her some flowers. My thinking has inspired me to take an action. As a consequence of taking the action of buying the flowers, I feel good. Indeed, I feel so good I think that was a good idea. I'll do it again soon. Of the three, thinking, actions, and feelings, actions are in many respects the most important. As Clancy has said at meetings, they don't lock us up for thinking crazy, they only lock us up for acting crazy. We may, for example, think obsessively about drinking, and we may dream drinking dreams, but we don't lose our sobriety unless we pick up a drink and drink it. People see us as alcoholics because of our drinking, not because of our thinking. I recall a woman at an AA meeting saying she couldn't see why people thought she was an alcoholic until she realized they were judging her by her actions while she was judging herself by her intentions. Like her, I always focus proudly on my good intentions, my thinking, while excusing my behavior, forgetting the old proverb that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. In AA, we frequently hear action slogans such as keep coming back. Action is the magic word. Bring the body and the mind will follow. You can't think yourself into right acting, but you can act your way into right thinking. Sit down, shut up, And listen. Such action-based admonitions are intended to get new people to take specific actions without thinking, without judging the value of the suggestion. Indeed, Robin Dawes, after criticizing much of modern psychiatry theory, ends her book House of Cards with this statement. Most important of all, there is no evidence that for the majority of people a change of internal state and feeling is necessary. Prior to behaving in a beneficial way. There is, in contrast, good evidence that changing our behavior will change our internal state and feelings. Just do it. There is action and more action. Faith without works is dead. However, any action more complicated than a simple knee-jerk response must be preceded by a thought, even if the thought is as simple as, okay, I'll do it. Actions require at least minimal thinking and willingness. Willingness, honesty, and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery, but these are indispensable. And that line's from the big book page five sixty eight. Understanding is the key to right principles and attitudes, and right action is the key to good living. Therefore, the joy of good living is the theme of AA twelfth step. And that's from The 12 and 12 page 125. My actions are determined by my thinking, and I alone am responsible for my thinking. Furthermore, since my thinking and my actions determine my feelings, I am responsible for my feelings. I can't honestly say you made me angry. If you do something offensive and I become upset by thinking how selfish and inconsiderate you are, my thinking upsets me, not your behavior. I may tell you I am upset. But I must realize my being upset comes from me, not from you or your behavior. This is the basis of the spiritual axiom that says, It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. And that's also in the 12 and 12 page 90. Because I am choosing to allow some PPT, people, places, and things, to rent space in my head. And put me in an unfit spiritual condition. Sobriety has given me a choice. I can choose to live in the joy of my life or the sorrow of my life. It's all there all of the time, and choice is mine. And if I'm choosing to live in the sorrow of my life, I have to ask myself why? What am I getting out of it? Would I rather be a victim? Because of my frequent failure to remember this axiom and to control my thinking. I have given the entire matter to my HP higher power. First, I reminded my HP of my powerlessness and the unmanageability of my life. Then I turn over to my HP's care not only my will and my life, but everything I think, feel, and do. My HP handles it all quite well most of the time, but on occasion I've had to reprimand my HP. For God's sake, God, What did you have me say, do, think, feel that for? Are you paying any attention to me up there? If nothing else, this practice gives me someone with whom to share the blame when I function in a bizarre manner. We hear a lot about feelings these days. They're all the rage and mental health counseling. Feel your feelings, give them a name, and express them instead of acting them out. That's the message of the therapists. One of the most practical of these newer methods is cognitive thinking therapy. To use this technique, clients begin by becoming aware of their thinking, that is, their inner conversations with themselves. Then, by writing out their thoughts, they learn to change their thinking. Dr. David Burns effectively treats depression in this manner. He explains the method in feeling good, the new mood therapy. Psychiatrist William Glasser, in his book entitled Reality Therapy, advocates that we think, behave, and feel realistically, with humility, towards the reality of our current life rather than to dwell in the past. In his lectures, Glasser points out the foolishness of clients who, instead of working to change themselves, want others, usually their parents, to change, and want them to do it now, retroactively. In spite of the fact that they are often long since dead. We can't think our way into right action, but we can act our way into right thinking. We keep trying to have a happy childhood. We can't fix our sick brain using our sick brain. Peace be the journey. And that was chapters ten and eleven from the book called There's More to Quitting Drinking Than Quitting Drinking by Dr. Paul O. And I really enjoyed those readings. I hope you did too. I'm gonna be purchasing this book and reading more of the chapters on sober readings. I love the way he uses humor to get his point across. So I hope you enjoyed those readings too. If you'd like to leave me a comment, you can find ⁓ a link to my email in the show notes. And so that's all for today's episode of Sober Readings. I hope something you heard today stays with you for today and helps you along your journey. If you'd like to be a guest on the show and share your experience, strength and hope, or even join me for a reading, there's a link in the show notes that goes to my email and I'd love to hear from you. And also if you enjoy sober readings and would like to help support the show, ⁓ you can drop a dollar in the virtual donation basket by clicking in the link in the notes. So as always, just for today, don't drink, go to a meeting and keep coming back. Have a great day, everyone, and as my friend Larry says. Best day ever.