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Untangling the Spiritual Yarn: A Raw Look at My Healing Process · The Spiritual Shitshow Podcast

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Hello and welcome back to the Spiritual Shit Show.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: My name is Julie Nguyen and I am popping on here real quick because I have just had the most incredible healing download, meaning such awareness to my own personal healing process.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: So I'm almost embarrassed to talk about how long ago it has been, because it is taking me so long to move through the cycles of pain and trauma, which is why I've called it my spiritual shit show, because for as many incredible, beautiful moments that I have been able to experience, I have still been shackled from the stories of the past, the pains from the past, the traumas of the past, and it is taking me this long to untangle all of it.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: The visual that I usually get when I'm thinking about it.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: It's like yarn and the yarn just gets so messy or knotted up and it takes a long time to untangle it all to make one straight line again.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: So that really has been my process, and now I can say straight line again.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: So that really has been my process.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: And now I can say so many parts have been worked through.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: But it hasn't been easy, which is why I'm so passionate about sharing what the healing journey is, because a lot of the times it's a real big fucking mess.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: It is days where you can't get off the floor.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: You feel it's so hard to see a future off the floor, you feel it's so hard to see a future, you lose your identity.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: You just become so confused and at the same time it's like, if I really step back and look at it, like there's beauty that has been woven quietly yet beautifully through all of it.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: But sometimes the turbulence can be so loud, it's just a lot.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: It's a lot.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: My entire life I have always gravitated towards spirituality.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: So as a little girl a quick story when I was in the third grade, we were learning about the vocations and I had what I thought was a download from God that I needed to be a nun.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: And I did not want to be a nun.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: And so I was in the third grade and I what is that?
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: Like eight years old and I remember going down to the library where a nun worked and I asked if I could have a meeting with her, because I wanted to know how she knew that she was going to be a nun, because I feel like God is calling me in my life to be a nun and I don't want to.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: I want to get married and I want to have kids.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: So my calling in life towards spirituality has always been deep within the core of who I am and moving through Catholicism, and then my husband's family is Buddhist and I studied, you know, esoteric work and everything in between, and in all of the teachings you know it's this return to love and you always feel like there's a sense of like, transcendence.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: And when people talk about it, about their own journey and where they have arrived now, it feels so hopeful.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: But when you're in it, you're definitely in it and you're so desperately trying to feel the hope and transcend it.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: And this is the gap that I always want to share, because the healing is messy and that it's okay to cry or to feel upset or to feel these confusions.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: In spiritual terms, it's called your dark night of the soul.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: When you're going through these dark nights of the soul, it's dark and it's deep soul work, but when you move through it you on here recording this because it is April 12th there's a full moon.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: I have definitely been feeling the energies for the past two days.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: I did a surrender meditation and that just brought everything that's like deep, deep, deep, deep, deep within me to the surface.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: So the past two days I'm crying and processing and annoyed that these grief points that I thought I've moved through are showing themselves again and that can also be so fucking annoying, like I thought we healed this, why are you still here?
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: And I'm also in a trauma informed somatic therapy course right now too.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: So a lot of that is bringing up, like the process that we are going through as the students in this course is also bringing up a lot of these, you know, subconscious, deeply grooved belief systems, pain points in my life that are also coming to the surface to be hopefully fully processed through the somatic work that we're doing.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: But with all that being said, you know, I'm like hem-hawing, like working through and like bringing in, like, oh, I have anger, oh I have sadness and oh, I'm just going to stay angry and I'm just going to be okay because that's what I'm being taught in somatic therapy, like I'm just going to be okay with being angry about it and maybe I'm just going to be angry for the rest of my life about this and that's okay.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: And then the spiritual side of me comes through and is like I know, but I also deeply believe that all things can transcend back into love and I want to experience love and bliss and true forgiveness and true healing, like I want to know what that feels like.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: And here's the thing, what I understood it was like the field opened up to me for a moment and it was like the only way to experience it this bliss, this love, this forgiveness, this space of opening and clarity and wisdom, is through the pain.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: The pain is the doorway.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: And then I'm like, okay, yeah, well, I've been going through this pain doorway for a long time.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: It's not a doorway, it's a hallway.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: I want to get out of it.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: I want to get out of it and, again, this understanding of you have to fully experience it for it to transcend back into love.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: And then this incredible wave of light I felt fill my entire body and so I was like I have to share this right now because I'm understanding.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: You know, again, when we are hearing talks on love and forgiveness and acceptance and transcendence, and you know manifestation and all of that, it is truthful and it is surfacy, because In order to get that you have to move through the mud a little bit or a lot, that the soul lessons sometimes are in the untangling of soul, contracts or pains, betrayal, loss, great loss, the loss of whatever.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: It is like a loved one or a business.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: It is like a loved one or a business, or you know.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: It's almost like when things fall apart and just feel what that feels like.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: You know, when you say, or I hold my arms out when things fall apart and then to move through to the truth of, and now I get to rebirth, there's a sense of renewal and the gap in that is there's choice, then there's choice in all of that.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: When I left my business again I'm not going to say how many years ago, because I'm embarrassed to talk about how long it's taken me to heal from it and also I'm offering myself heaps amount of self-compassion and self-love because it was a lot and it is still a lot, and it's very complex and very layered.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: But what I realized today, which is what opened up this new sense of energy, is when I left, it literally was so.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: Everything in my life was so compressed and every day it was an intentional, forced practice to keep my head above water.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: I developed all of these tools that I can share.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: Now to how to keep your head above water, but, like I would do my gratitude list.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: I did all the energy tools that I knew.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: I drank a lot, probably, I don't even know, but the day I heard literally spirit say enough and it felt like I got plucked, pooled and put in my car and I drove home and then that night, like it was shocking, it was shocking, it was such a shocking event.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: And I went home and then, um, two of my friends came over and they were like oh my God, like everybody's eyes were like oh my God.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: And I was like I know.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: And they're like what do you, do you need anything Like what?
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: And I said I, I want chocolate, like I want a chocolate cake and I want wine.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: And of course, I'm in a state of shock in this moment, right, and I was like I want chocolate cake and I want wine.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: And they're like okay, okay, well, we're coming.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: And I remember like crying, but also I wanted to cry and I wanted to celebrate.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: At the same time, I felt so free Like, oh my God, I got out of that, oh my God, I'm free.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: Like I did it, I fucking did it, I did it.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: And you can equate that when people choose to leave you know, a marriage or choose to.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: You know, leave, like anytime that something is so compressed and you finally leave and that doorway towards freedom opens to you and just a flood of relief happens Whoa.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: So today I was reminded of that moment of.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: In that moment you sensed freedom.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: And now how can you continue to expand into your freedom?
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: And what I also noticed was the grief and the trauma and the healing and the confusion and the loss that was also needed to work its way through.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: It was like I broke the door to the cage and the pain and the belief systems kept pulling me back.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: And so here I am, a bird in a cage and the doors open and I can, I have access to freedom, Yet I keep putting myself in the cage Because of the tethering to an identity and old self, or I wish, or I, you know all the things.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: So wowie, wow, wow, wow.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: Number one thanks for listening.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: Number two I hope that this deeply resonates in a way that you understand that, like to really expand into freedom and self-worth and creativity and abundance, we must go in.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: We must go in and we must go deep, deep within ourselves.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: What is really holding us back?
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: In my meditation I did the other day, it was like, like I said, it was like surrender, surrender back, surrender back, surrender back.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: And I was like, oh wow, there's anger, I'm feeling anger, I'm noticing anger, and then it's like surrender back.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: What's behind the anger?
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: And I was like, oh my God, it's sadness, sadness.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: And so that has been where I've been for the past two days, which has been with anger and sadness, and today, having that awareness of freedom, with anger and sadness, and today having that awareness of freedom, what's behind the sadness is freedom, whoa.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: So again, I want to share this because when we are looking for motivational or inspirational things, it can become very surfacy, and what came to me today was like you have to surfacy.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: And what came to me today was like you have to, like it's like an excavating process, like you have to dig deep, deep and out, deep and out for these things to actually have space to transcend towards love.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: Is it easy?
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: No, is it messy?
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: Is it confusing?
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: Is it layered and complex?
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: Does it require support, authentic, safe support?
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: That's a fuck?
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it does, it does, and I really think that I'm able to do these last layers of my own healing process because I am vulnerable enough in what I'm moving through and even those that I am personally coaching.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: I know that they are coaching me too, that they are just reflections back to me of opportunities for me to see within myself a truth or a wound, and I have an incredible group of people that I have never had before in my life, ever.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: An incredible group of authentic, supportive women who, anytime it does feel like something is moving through and I don't want to make it messier by managing it myself I have a huge support team of friends who, thank goodness, are also all in the psychic and energetic space that can hold the container for me and really, when I share what I am doing, a lot of the times they're not offering advice.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: My story is an awakening a part of them, and by me listening to their story, then that's how we both heal.
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: We're like, oh, I'm hearing this, this, and I'm seeing that for myself and wow, thank you, thank you.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: So I don't know, that's a little short ramble, but it's really cool.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: Point being you need a really strong, authentic support system, and I'll finish with what does a liberated life look like and what does freedom feel like for you?
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: Freedom and love and ease, and a space to actually create anything that it is that you want to create.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: What does a liberated life look like For me?
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: When I left, it was like I sprung myself into liberation, but I didn't have support to hold me there, and now I have access to a support team and a support system and heaps amount of wisdom to hold me in this new space, and that feels really incredible.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: All right, I don't know what this title of this podcast is going to be my personal share in the healing journey, as always.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, anyway, thanks for listening, thanks for being here.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: Stay tuned for more organized podcasts to come and meditations.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: Stay tuned for more organized podcasts to come and meditations.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: But I do believe when one shares one story and it is heard and really resonate, unlock and open something within somebody else.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: So I am sending you so, so much creative, liberated love Until next time.