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The Missing Piece: Why Your Life Finally Makes Sense After an ADHD Diagnosis with Julie Legg | 020 · Quick Wins for ADHD Moms - Short Episodes, Real Solutions for Burnout and Overwhelm

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Well, hey, welcome to Quick Wins for ADHD moms.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Jess, and I'm so excited to introduce you to a guest today.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Today's guest is Julie Legg, author of The Missing Piece: A Women's Guide to Understanding, Diagnosing, and Living with ADHD.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: Julie's journey has taken her from a free-range childhood in rural New Zealand to careers in acting, voice work, writing, and now advocacy.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Diagnosed with ADHD at 52, she turned her story into a source of inspiration for women worldwide.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: She's also the co-host of the ADH Difference podcast and a proud homesteader, a musician, and mom of three.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: So, Julie, welcome to the show.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: We're so excited about having you.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Lovely to be here.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Chess.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: So we always start off our shows with a quick win for ADHD moms.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because we've, you know, we've got an attention span that's already gone.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I'd love to hear your quick win.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, mine is really simple and possibly a bit random.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, it's flip the script.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the way I see it and use it often is that we talk about ADHD strategies.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And in this situation, do this or think about this.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we just don't have strategies for every occasion.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: But when you find yourself with um some ADHD traits brewing to that point of bubbling over, and it might be overwhelm or uh anger or whatever it may be, just breathe for a second and flip the script as in just do the complete opposite to what you would normally do.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: And that's that's hard to think in the moment, right?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's that that instant Yeah, but but if we use what we do best, which is our impulsivity, we can do it.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And and an example is um I actually love supermarket shopping until I get to the checkout.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: I just find it uh it's I love I love shopping for food and it's all very exciting until the cues, and the cues just drive me absolutely mad.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um so in the past I would uh cue jump or just leave the trolley in the supermarket because I'm too overwhelmed and it's too much for me and just go stuff this and go, you know.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um but the other day I I could have had a grump.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: However, I there was a a mum in front of me with a toddler uh in the trolley carrying a newborn and both of them were very upset and not having a good time.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of moving over to the next aisle, I went, you know, I dumped my trolley and I went to her and I said, I can either help you unload onto the conveyor or I can take your newborn.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, Here you are.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: I wouldn't normally do that, but my grumpy moment turned into a beautiful moment and actually the highlight of my week.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: I had this warm crying baby in my arms who settled instantly and I went, ah, yes, that's what that's what it's like again to have a newborn.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it surprises it surprised me.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um but it's just really it's just if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: So if you find these moments that are always trigger like triggering and um upsetting or frustrating, just do something different.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it is a strategy, but it's uh potentially an unplanned one.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if it works, you can put that into your repertoire going forward.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: But I think it's uh we all we do need strategies, um, but we don't always have one for every occasion.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: So this this quick win is just thinking on the spot, doing the opposite as you normally would, because what you've done in the past may not have worked, and just try something different, and you might be surprised how much fun it is, and um and it's a real feel-good factor.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: And you have stories to tell after that.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, flip flip the script.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: If that's all you can read, just remember.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, flip the script.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: All right, what else can I do?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: I like that.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: And breathe.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: I like the take a deep breath, getting that air and oxygen back into our lungs and back up to our brains.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: So that's thank you.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's wonderful.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: I would love to ask you um about your book.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: You just released the book not too long ago.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so, and you were just diagnosed, you were diagnosed at 52.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: So tell me what that was like being diagnosed and looking back, how did that feel for you?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, for me, it was 100% validation.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I cried and I laughed for days and days.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I was so excited because for me, I've always just felt so different.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: At times it was fantastical and and I loved that feeling of being different.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: And other times it felt quite lonely and I I didn't fit in anywhere.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: I fitted in everywhere, yet nowhere at the same time.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: And um, and so just the more I uncovered about ADHD, the more it made sense.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I the research I did explaining every aspect of my under-diagnosed life, it was light bulb moments, all of those words that you hear flung around.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: It was just absolutely amazing.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And um so for me, it was just brilliant.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: I've always been an optimistic kind of a character, and so I've had huge bumps in my road, in the journey of life, uh, and I picked myself up and brushed myself off and head on, head on the path.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: But I know that it's not always like that for ADHD is.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so um I started writing I thought I'd write a blog, and then there was just far too much to put in a blog.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted people to ha hold something in their hands that explained everything.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And and I really felt that it wasn't just my story, because I'm, you know, ADHD's on a spectrum and people experience it in different ways, even though we have similar traits.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: So um I was approached by around 200 women, also diagnosed as adults, and of those, 30 made it through to the book.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: So it's just not my experience, it's theirs as well.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it just shows this real balance of those that are really, really struggling and those um somewhat further down their journey when where they've accepted it and they're riding this really happy wave of knowing who they are finally.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I love that.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: They're finally knowing who they are.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I when I felt I was also late diagnosed, and I felt like all of these puzzle pieces finally came together and like it just revealed this picture.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, what would it what would it have been like if we knew that when we were younger?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Would we be any different today?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'd like to think not.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'd like to think we're still bubbly and happy and like have creative ideas and um but how do you feel like you're any different, you know, before diagnosis and after?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: I am the same person.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: I am I am still the child that I was 100%.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um do I feel the same?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: I feel more confident now than I did before.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: I felt yeah, I felt misunderstood and therefore masked a lot.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And therefore, I just felt that while people would see me in a particular light, it wasn't actually my truth because I am all of me and I have my good moments and my bad moments and moments of madness and crazy creativity.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and yet certain people maybe at work would only see quite a diluted side of me, you know, the corporate professional side of me.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas, you know, I was I had all this other parts that I felt I couldn't show.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so since diagnosis and and it's not an instant, yay, oh look, I know who I am now.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Brilliant.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: It does take time and it takes a journey.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I've always said life starts at your diagnosis.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's not the end, it's the beginning.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it really does take time.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: No, I love that because I think a lot of people think that, well, maybe I do have that.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: And and if I do get diagnosed, then it will change my life because now, now I can, you know, whatever.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: But I think it's this, we need to spread it out.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it's this big long journey of of discovering.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: And whether you get diagnosed or not, there's still a lot of strategies that you can put into place.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: But I do like that you talked about it.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: It was very validating.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: For me it was.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And and I do appreciate and respect that it's not always that for everybody.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's almost like a you go through a process of the stages of grief.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: There's, you know, denial potentially, um, anger that it wasn't picked up earlier, um, disappointment.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: There there's there's a huge, a huge array of feelings that you'll go through.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: But there is a positive end if you allow that in, if you allow acceptance in the end and and work on that.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: It it really is a very, very good thing.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: I would highly encourage if people are s really stuck after a diagnosis or going through that process and wondering, fear not.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Get get through it, and the more you know, the less fear you have.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because we only fear what we don't know, right?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: What we don't know.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: So listen to podcasts like this and just be inspired or reassured that you're not alone and there's a huge community going through exactly the same thing, potentially in silence.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: So just uh, you know, listening in and tap into this great space and um you you'll you'll be fine.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: You'll be fine.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: You'll be fine.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's sometimes that's just all we need to hear.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna be fine.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: So um looking back at writing this book and all of these women, are there certain things that you were surprised that kept popping up?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um many, many threads, maybe surprise, maybe certain threads that you saw very common.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because because it's so underdiagnosed, you know, what are the things that that really came out that showed, okay, this is why it looks different in women?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely uh in childhood, and I think um really early on we've learnt to mask and uh really young, you know, five, six, we all of a sudden have a look at our peers, and um there's a um a chap in the States uh Dodson.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Uh he said around by the age of seven, I think it is, uh those with ADHD would have received around 20,000 negative or corrective comments to them or remarks to them.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, that's a heck of a lot of um when you're sort of, I don't know, bombarded with maybe negativity or or corrections all the time, you do make adjustments.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I so I think that along with your peers trying to fit in and and learning that oh I I over-talked and I I out of that friend group now, maybe I talk too much.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Going to the next friend group, uh maybe I talk too little.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, uh and and you kind of make all these adjustments, and I think um, yeah, so masking was huge, huge.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing I thought was really, really interesting uh in the process of interviewing these women, they absolutely um poured their heart out and it was quite um emotional reading.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of them would say that they haven't spoken to anyone about this before.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because women are anonymous in the book, uh they were able to just say things and get it off their chest.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: So it was very cathartic for them.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I was surprised how many hadn't disclosed certain aspects of their life or what they've been thinking, or perhaps um some events happened in the past.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: They haven't told their partners, their family, you know.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: So um it was quite an honour and a privilege to be privy to that information.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: But I wanted to put it in because actually that's the reality of a undiagnosed life of ADHD.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: There will be instances and accidents and events that happen that we um yeah, we try and bury because we're not proud of that, or there might be some guilt or shame associated with that.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of job changes, a lot of um yeah, a a lot of movement there, and that's fully explained, of course, um, with ADHD.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Our drive for novelty uh and dopamine hits, uh, that sense of boredom coming through, that can um yeah, that can really affect our decision making with relationships, careers, a whole bunch.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, absolutely.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: Well, um I was um on your website and I love, did you just recently redo your website because there you have done so many different things.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: And when I read, um, you said this website is home to the whole of me.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought, what a beautiful way to, you know, because we especially those of us who run our own business, you have pick a niche market and you have to only be this.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're a podcaster, you tell everybody you're only a podcaster because they're not gonna understand all these other things.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I think, well, I I can't put myself in this teeny little box.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like there's so much more to this, you know, how and so I I love how you said it it shows the whole of you.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: So now this this thank you.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: This is a a graduation from um from my post-diagnosis journey.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: I I felt that I've been split into many boxes, you know, all my life.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I do I have done many things.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: I've been acting for 25 years, I've been doing voiceovers for closer to 30, you know, um, I have worked in corporate and uh I I do podcasts and I and I've written a book and all those things, but I'm not just one.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so originally the website was um an author site.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and then I thought actually this is that's only a small part of me.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, so that was uh very intentional to just go, no, no, this is all of me now.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: So here you go.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is everything.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, I really appreciate that because the again, the advice is, you know, just just follow one thing.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I we can't.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: We bring so much experience in life with us that it's hard to just pigeonhole that to um again it's the maybe the standard narrative, or maybe the uh un neurotypical way of thinking, or maybe it's just how we've been brought up that you have a career.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Goodness, generations ago, you'd wait for your um gold watch after how many decades of working in a job, you know what I mean?
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if your CV showed more than two or three jobs, it'd be maybe um maybe they're not super reliable.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: No, exactly.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: But we we can do it, and I think we've it it's breaking a cycle, and oh, we can we can be many things, and no one gets to put us in a box.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: We get to just be who we are.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: You're right.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: And then we need to remind ourselves that we did.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we did we do not have to be put in a box.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: We have Julia.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: I would love to hear just what you would say if you had to sit down with an ADHD mom.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe they feel like they could have ADHD, maybe not.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: They're they're on this part of the journey that is just very fuzzy, not in focus.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_01: What advice would you give them if you sat down across from them and have tea?
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: What would you say to them?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: I guess from a looking at my younger self, if I was the child in that situation, um I would want to be fully supported and encouraged to follow my passions and to be celebrated for my different thinking.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I think it's as a mother with a child that probably needs that support um is to be patient, is to breathe, is to listen, and know that your child's brain is wired differently.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: You may have ADHD yourself, whether it's diagnosed or not.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: But um just the joy that and and the creativity and a whole bunch of amazing strengths your child will have might be buried in some challenges that appear to to be stronger, whether it's at school or whether there are some social challenges, but but within them is some amazing strengths.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, just to listen and to support and tell them that their brain is just wired differently, that is it, and they're amazing.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, stick stick with it.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: Stick with it.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: I love that because it can be so frustrating when you're in the middle of a mo you're a moment with your child and you're coming from one and and they're coming from another and there's anger and frustration and use that quick win, flip the script.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: There you go.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: Flip the script and give them a hug.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: Bring them in close, right?
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: Bring them in close, don't push them away.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: And and they're not a problem to solve.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: They just want to be heard.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: They just want to be.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: They're not a problem to be solved.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: That's beautiful.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: And that's a good that's a good reminder.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: I appreciate that.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: So well, Julie, if someone is looking to read your book or find out more about you, where can they find you?
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: Probably the best one is my website, which is JulieLeg.nz.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: I am New Zealand-based, and yeah, that's a bit about me, a bit about the book, uh, which is available everywhere, really.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I was really excited.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's also available in Braille and in large fonts and a dyslexia font, which is meant to be good for those dyslexic.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, find it easier to read.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm really excited because I think the topic is uh should be accessible for everybody.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, just having it in those different formats.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, I was really pleased.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: It was with HarperCollins as well, so I was really chuffed that um very notable company.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: So very pleased.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: And that's nice to know that they're taking this subject matter seriously.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: And they know that there's because if a huge publisher is publishing this, they know there's an audience for this.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: We're just all masking and we're all hiding.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna come out of our come out of our shell here.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: I also want to say that it has been medically reviewed.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: So um it's not it's not self-published, and I haven't just shuck words together.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: They yeah, it's it's been through all the appropriate channels and they got the big tick.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: So there you go.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_01: Well, first of all, congratulations, because that is the ultimate test of patience.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: Going through all of those steps.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_01: You made it.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: I know, I know.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was yeah, it the the whole process is really, really interesting.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's a very professional process going through a publisher.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but it does take longer.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it I wanted to, as soon as I'd finished it, I wanted it done, gone.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it took around 18 months.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to have lots of deep breathing exercises.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: And now you're on the other side of that.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: Now you can talk about it and you have the resource that is available right now.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm excited.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna get it and read it.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm excited to look.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so it's audiobook too.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm currently writing a fiction at the moment.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: I decided that uh nonfiction was great, and yes, the research and it was me, absolutely, but now I want to put my creativity in place.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm dabbling on a little fiction story for middle grade readers.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, fun.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, this could be a whole series, right?
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, you never know.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: Well, start with one.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_01: Start with one.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: Well, thank you, Julie.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: I appreciate your time.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, your your beautiful, beautiful story, and I thank you so much for just sharing a little bit of that with our listeners.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you're so welcome.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for having me on the show.