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The Compulsion to Fix My Child—and What It’s Costing Me · Parenting Through The Hard

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Foreign.
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Hey, friend. Welcome back to the podcast. Today's episode
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is sponsored by my dear friend, Cynthia Baker, one of
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our generous donors and partners in this mission.
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Cynthia passed away earlier this year after years of battling
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cancer. But while she was living, she was deeply committed to
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making the world a better place. I am so grateful
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for her support in creating this healing space for parents of teens and
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adult children. A place to find connection, clarity,
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and strength for the road ahead, even in the hardest seasons.
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Thank you, my sweet friend. I think of you often.
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If you're interested in sponsoring a future episode, stay tuned
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and I'll share how you can get involved at the end.
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I'm not gonna lie. Most times when I sit down in front
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of this podcast microphone, I feel like it's confession time.
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One of the things that I think has been
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something that I feel like God really has pressed on my heart from the very
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beginning is to be as real and vulnerable as
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possible. I on this podcast because part of
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what makes parenting so hard is that we don't
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hear a lot of people talk about their struggles. And when your
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family's going through some stuff, your kids are going through some stuff, you are going
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through some stuff, it's really easy to just kind of feel like you are the
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only one that's going through it. And there are times when I have
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done virtual online groups and in person groups,
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and one of the things that is so powerful that
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happens in those groups is that very
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quickly it becomes a safe space because everyone
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that shows up there just really wants to be known
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and seen and to connect with other people
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who understand what they're feeling. And so all
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it really takes is, like, one person opening up and sharing a little bit of
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their story, and then you just see the walls come down,
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you know, and for a glorious hour,
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it's okay to just show these soft,
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tender parts of yourself and your life around other people.
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And you don't have to act like you have it all together. And in fact,
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it's understood and accepted if you don't have it all
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together. So all that to say,
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every time I come in here to record, I always
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feel like I'm walking into some type of a confession.
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And I have one to make today, one that is
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hard for me to talk about, but that I'm hoping will leave me lighter
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by the time I'm finished sharing it, which is usually the case
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for these kinds of things. And, you know, as I was journaling about this and
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writing about it and preparing my heart to share it,
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I. I could see how Even during the writing process,
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I was trying to soften it
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somehow. And so I'm gonna try
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not to do that because it's a problem in
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my life, it's a problem in my parenting, it's a problem in my character
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right now. But it's something I'm working on,
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it's something I'm healing, it's some. It's a way I'm growing.
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And so maybe you have something like that also in your life,
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and maybe this will give you the courage to share it with somebody else.
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I guess mine today that I'm sharing is that
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I have this. This compulsion that I have to fight.
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In fact, it's so ingrained in me that I hardly even
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notice it. It's something that is just part of my personality
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and it creeps up. And unless I'm paying close attention or
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unless my husband, who now loves to
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do this, calls it out in me, I. I usually don't even notice
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that I do it. For years, I strangely viewed
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it as a strength. I kind of looked at it like a superpower.
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But it has a shadow side to it. So what
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is it? I rescue.
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I rescue. I definitely have some ideas
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on how this habit came to be part of me, but that's probably a topic
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for a therapy session. So let's just say, however it began in
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me, I have become proficient at anticipating
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and predicting the needs of those around me. Which sounds
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lovely, doesn't it? I mean, I think in a lot of ways I'm like,
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oh, that's not a bad quality to have. But with
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that also has come this delusion
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that I somehow have been assigned responsibility to
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do something about and solve every
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struggle, confusion, disaster,
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discomfort, sadness, even that the
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people around me experience.
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Some may, and I've heard it referred to before,
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kind of as a savior complex,
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which is an even harder pill to swallow because you'd hate to think that
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it's for selfish reasons that I do that.
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But I think after, like really carefully considering it,
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I think I can identify how this rescuing behavior
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that I have serves three really important functions, functions for me.
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So when I rescue, it spares
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me the discomfort of feeling helpless. It also gives
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me this illusion of control over any scary worst
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case scenarios that might be roaming around in my head.
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And it's become this main source of
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connection that I have with people
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that I love. When I love, I rescue.
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That's almost like a love language in and of itself.
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And so having to learn to not rescue is
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something that has really been a lot of work and
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kind of Fighting against that and an examining of
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the ways that that is unhealthy and is not loving really in
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my relationships. But what makes that challenging is that it's
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kind of like it takes away what felt like
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an expression of love between me and my child. So it
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would be like saying, okay, you're going to love your kids now,
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but no more physical affection, no hugs,
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no hand holding, no arm around the shoulder. You're just, you're going to love without
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that. And so for me, as I've
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been working on rescuing, particularly as my kids have moved out
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of the teen years and into the adult years, it's learning
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this new way of loving. It's learning to redefine what is
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loving when it comes to rescuing behavior. I kind
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of have a prime example of one of the ways that this shows up
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for me. A while ago, one of my kids
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called me and they were just, I could tell
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they were just. I knew the instant, you know, how, you know, the instant you
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hear your kid's voice and it's just. There's something off, you know,
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you almost just want to say, what is it? What's wrong? But I, I got
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a call from one of my kids and they were,
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I think, just kind of feeling like they needed to just
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talk about something that they were struggling with and, and they were feeling bad
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about a choice that they had made in their own life. And they
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just, they sounded defeated. They sounded like they
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were just stuck in this cycle, making the same mistake over and
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over again. And they even started
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to talk about and wonder out loud, like, what is wrong with
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me? Like, why am I this way? I don't understand.
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And my heart just instantly went into overdrive. Like,
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I mean, just like, okay, you know, open the love faucet. Here we
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go. You know, like, it's gonna full on, you know, unfiltered rescuing
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about to go into play here. And I,
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before they could even finish what they were saying,
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I jumped in. Maybe you can do this about this.
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Maybe you can fix it this way. You know, I understand how you're feeling,
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but, you know, really like screaming, don't feel this way. Like,
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here, fix it. This is how you fix it. Don't feel this way.
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And in that moment, I felt like I was
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being helpful, but I could kind of just. They just kind
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of paused for a minute and they got quiet. And I was just like,
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you know, I just got this sick feeling. And. And they finally just said,
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mom, I just needed you to listen.
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And that cut deep,
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that was some serious conviction
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because in My rush to fix.
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I missed the chance to simply be a safe place
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for their honesty. See, what they needed
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was my presence, not my plan. And it reminded
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me that rescuing doesn't always feel
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like love on the receiving end.
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Even when things come from a good place inside of
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us, they often have this shadow side.
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And rescuing for me has had consequences.
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So here's a few of what those consequences are.
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Number one, what I've realized is that my nervous system
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has been trained to respond to situations in a certain way.
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And it's an unhealthy way. Even though I'm
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learning to identify these situations and recognize
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what's going on inside me, fighting to respond
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differently is a battle that I just have not
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yet learned to master. And that is something that
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I feel the consequences of in my spirit regularly.
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The other shadow side to that is that sometimes the only
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way. Ugh, this is hard for me, but the only
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way that I'm able to kind of take a step back and
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not react to what's going on in my kids lives is to
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distance myself emotionally.
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Ugh. And I hate that. It's kind of like
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there's only an on or off button. So I'm either like I'm overly
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invested and I'm flooding those that I love with solutions that
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they're not really interested in, or the walls go up and I shut
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down. It's like I don't know how to kind
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of engage and show up for them without
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trying to fix things. And I almost feel
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like it's this self protection mechanism that in
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a lot of ways robs me of the
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closeness that I really long to feel with
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my kids. It's like I construct
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a wall around myself because I
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am unable to sit with the discomfort of
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having these feelings and wanting to fix and not
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being able to do anything about it. And it costs
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me time, influence and
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regrets over not showing up and loving people
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the way that I wish I could. But the hardest consequence
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of all of it, I can see how I've unintentionally
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had an effect on my children's confidence to
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be able to solve problems for themselves. Not all
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of them, but for some of them. I think
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my being a crutch has held
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them back a little in life. And maybe
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even worse than that is that they
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may even struggle dealing with their own discomforts because
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I was a little too good at resolving
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situations for them when they were younger so they didn't
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have to learn how to sit in discomfort. And that realization
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breaks my heart. And it is such
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a hard Pill to swallow. And it's such a hard thing to confess.
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I think adding to that heartbreak is this knowledge
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that sometimes I think my kids keep their distance
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a little bit. Not because they don't love me,
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but because I think being close can feel vulnerable
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if you are in relationship with someone who just needs things
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to be okay all the time. You know, I think a couple
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of my kids have gone through periods of time where, like,
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I would really only hear from them if things were going well because
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they just. They didn't want to call and talk about the things that weren't
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going well. And sometimes most things weren't going well.
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And that created barriers in our relationship,
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and it left me missing these messy,
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unfinished parts of their world that I could be
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walking through them with. But because I have this
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deep desire for wanting everything to be okay and
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needing my kids to be okay, I think subconsciously,
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unintentionally, and I don't even know that they would even admit it,
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but I believe it's there because I've seen the actions that
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they have felt like they haven't wanted
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to come home with the problems.
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And that makes me sad, and it makes me
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angry. It makes me sad for obvious reasons.
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It makes me angry because my inability to
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rein in my rescuing cost me opportunities
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where I could have had influence and poured into and
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loved on my kids when they were struggling and really shown up for them.
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And I can't get those opportunities back.
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Instead, they, you know, figured out their way through that
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situation alone. In some cases, they still haven't figured out their way through that.
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And that's just really, like, what I'm in the middle of kind
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of battling through, growing and learning
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about in my life right now.
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And maybe this is something you can relate to if your stomach
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drops when your teen doesn't answer your
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text message, or when you see their phone number or
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any phone number that you don't recognize on your phone.
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If you rewrite a message, a text
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message three times, trying to think of, like, the language to get
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it right, if you feel responsible for smoothing
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over every rough edge in the family,
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then you know exactly the kind of pressure I'm
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talking about. We carry it quietly, but it
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wears us out. And I would venture to
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guess that it wears out the people we love, too.
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I'm starting to see how my codependency
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in needing everybody and everything to be okay has
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kind of cost me what matters most. My actions,
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though motivated by love, can cost me
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the very connection that I'm longing for with my kids.
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So I am learning to live in the middle ground.
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That's what I'm working on right now. I'm not striving to
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fix everyone else, but I'm not walling
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myself off either. I'm trying to stay in this place where I
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can love others while still being responsible for myself,
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which seems like such an easy thing,
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but somehow is extremely challenging.
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I read something in a book that's titled the Language of Letting Go. That kind
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of stayed with me, I guess, about this, this growing process,
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this learning process we go through as parents, where we identify something
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in us that could use some repair or some work or in how we respond.
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But it's something that has stayed with me. It said,
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sometimes to reach balance, we need to explore the peaks
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and the valleys. Sometimes the only way out
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of the valley is to jump high enough to land on the peak and then
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slowly ease ourselves back down. Balance and
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learning how to balance these things in ourselves, it's not always steady
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or graceful. A lot of times it's like this
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kind of messy leap forward followed by a gentle leap
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return. And through it all, I think I'm just. I'm learning
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how to be gentler with myself. For me, one of the things
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that I've recognized about rescuing is that that is that it doesn't
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usually begin with words. The rescuing doesn't usually start with words.
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It starts in my body so long before I
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ever speak a single word. I start to feel it rising
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up in me. My chest drop grows tight, kind of almost
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like there's a band wrapped around it. I can feel my jaw tension. I can
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feel my shoulders inch up. And my
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mind starts just racing a mile a minute. And it's trying to
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calculate the next move. It's running through every possible outcome.
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It just feels like this chess match that I can't afford to lose.
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And along with that comes this kind
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of surge of urgency, right? Like when I go into this fix it mode.
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It's. It's not a gentle thought of like, well, maybe I should help.
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It's kind of like this blaring siren that's inside
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me and it's screaming, if you don't do something right now,
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something terrible is going to happen. My whole
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nervous system interprets another
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person's struggle as if it's my personal
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emergency. Maybe you felt that with your own kids,
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too. Maybe you felt that restlessness in your body, that quickened heartbeat,
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that shallow breath, the way your brain kind of starts spinning with a
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hundred possible fixes before the other person is even done speaking.
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It's uncomfortable to even just sit and listen to them, even overwhelming.
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And everything in you just wants to make that feeling stop.
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But one of the things I'm starting to figure out is that just
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because my body is sounding this alarm,
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it doesn't mean that the building is actually on fire.
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My nervous system, somewhere along the way,
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learned to equate other people's discomfort
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with danger. So somebody else's discomfort
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feels dangerous to me. And it still reacts that way today.
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But it seems like noticing those signals has been one of the most
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important kind of first steps in retraining my
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response. Because when I can catch it early, like when I feel
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that tight chest or I feel my jaw clenching, I can
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kind of stop myself before the words start
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to spill out. I can pause, I can breathe.
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I can remind myself, like, this may feel like an emergency,
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but it is not mine to solve. Or mostly I'm just saying,
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angie, don't say anything. Don't say anything.
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Breathe, breathe. Don't say anything.
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It's basically the words that are going through my mind over and over again.
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But that pause is powerful.
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It doesn't, unfortunately, it doesn't silence the
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alarm completely, but it gives me just enough space to
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choose presence instead of panic, to choose
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just love instead of control.
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And the more that I practice it, the easier it becomes to
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kind of recognize that that inner siren,
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what that is, is it's a signal to slow down,
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not to speed up. But of course,
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like I said, this is a practice, and so I don't always
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get it right. In fact, I'm probably 50, 50 at
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this point in time. 50% of the time, I'll get it right, which is pretty
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good because, I mean, it was like 5%, so 3%,
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I think, even at one point, point in time, it's been a process getting
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to 50%. But when I do kind of slip back into rescuing,
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then I've been trying out this kind of little
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repair that I can do in that situation. So when I do
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step over into that I, I and I realize that I'm doing it, I try
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to just say, like, right away, like, o, sorry, timeout.
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I just jumped in and I'm trying to
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fix. And the truth is,
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I trust you with your life,
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and I don't need to try to take this from you.
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So how can I just best support you in this
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moment? Do you want support brainstorming or do you just want me to listen?
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That repair is humbling, but it
22:50
also kind of rebuilds trust in our
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conversation. And it reminds me that
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I don't have to be the savior. I would fail as a
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savior. There is only one Savior,
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and it is nowhere near me.
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So I don't have to be the savior. It gives me kind of that opportunity
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to be like, uh, Angie, return it back.
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Apologize and correct the posture of your heart.
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Your job in this moment is to be present
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and to listen and to hold space for and
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to love. And if you want
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these conversations to continue, if you want your children to be able to
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come to you when they are struggling so that they don't have to go through
23:41
things alone, if you want to have that kind of influence
23:46
in their lives, then you gotta
23:49
take a step back. There's a scripture,
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Exodus 3. 5, and it
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says, do not come any closer. Take off
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your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy
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ground. Those words have kind of become a
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little bit of an anchor for me lately. So when I start to kind of
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feel that urge to rescue start rising,
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when my heart starts racing, when my body starts begging
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me to jump in, I kind of picture myself standing right
24:27
at the edge of my child's story, right at the edge of
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their struggle, right at the edge of their process,
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right at the edge of their learning ground. And in
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that moment, everything in me wants to step forward, to rush in,
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to take control. But if I just pause and
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I imagine. I imagine Moses at the burning bush,
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stopping, bending down,
24:58
untying his sandals. And then I do
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the same in my spirit. I picture that edge and I imagine
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myself standing right there, right at that edge.
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And then I see myself take off my shoes, and it's a
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way of humbling myself. It's a way of remembering this isn't
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mine to walk on. This is holy ground.
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God is at work here. And unless
25:28
I'm invited to participate
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in some way, my job is to just
25:37
be a person, to come there and worship.
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That simple picture shifts everything because it reminds me
25:44
that my child's life is not my project.
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Their mistakes, their choices, their struggles, those are
25:53
the very places where God wants to meet them.
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Yeah, but no,
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where has God met you?
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It's not in the happiest, most joyous moments of our life.
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Like, as beautiful and wonderful as those are,
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we feel the closest and the nearest to
26:15
him when we're wrestling with something, when we're struggling with something.
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And if I rush in to take over, I might actually block what he's doing.
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It doesn't mean I abandon them. I'm still there.
26:29
I'm still close enough to listen, to love,
26:33
to pray, but not to Interfere.
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I create a sacred kind of space,
26:41
a space between my love and their
26:44
learning. And that space is holy. It's where
26:48
God does his deepest work. It's where resilience is born.
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It's where faith gets tested. It's where courage begins,
26:56
begins to grow. My rule is
27:00
not to take that from them. My role
27:04
is to stay soft, to stay present,
27:08
and to trust that the God who has called me to
27:12
holy ground is also calling them.
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Yeah, I know, it all sounds great in theory,
27:20
doesn't it? Like, I'm learning these truths
27:24
and I understand them and my logical mind gets it and is
27:28
just like, yes, of course. That's wisdom. That makes total sense.
27:32
And you might even be thinking that thing that same way, too. And then
27:37
you start to think about applying it and, oh,
27:40
Lordy, it is a whole nother ball game when
27:44
you're trying to apply it. Like I said,
27:48
it's like learning a whole new love language.
27:51
It's like letting go of your security blanket. It's like.
27:54
It's like giving up the thing that helped you make situations that were outside of
27:58
your control feel a little more manageable.
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And I mean, all I can say is that I started out at 3%
28:06
and I'm at 50. And it takes work and it takes recommitting
28:10
and it takes messing up and it takes starting over and then starting over again
28:14
and then starting over again and then starting over again. But.
28:17
But sometimes, y', all, half the time now I
28:22
get it right? And when I end that conversation
28:27
with my kid on the phone, I cannot tell you
28:31
what a difference it is when I get to that place where I completely release
28:35
it and I can just be a presence for them and hold space for
28:40
them and trust them and God to work
28:44
out the details. They feel a difference in
28:48
those conversations. I feel a difference in
28:52
those conversations. I think in a lot of ways,
28:56
it's like instead of jumping in to
29:00
rescue, I'm trying to rewire myself to
29:05
jump in with a spirit of faith instead of needing to fix.
29:10
I'm trying to be the person who
29:14
just comes in and is like, you got this. You're going to figure this out.
29:18
This is life. We struggle. We struggle in
29:22
life. And, babe, when you get done with this one, there'll be another one that's
29:26
knocking at your door, and that is what this world is. But you, you got
29:30
this. I have zero doubts that you're going to figure this out.
29:34
So I'm here and we'll walk through it, and I know that you'll see the
29:38
other side of this, and we will thank God. And I can
29:42
just pour goodness and positivity into
29:46
that situation. It's such a difference than
29:50
pulling in anxiety into the situation and panic into
29:54
the situation and neediness into the situation and
29:59
judgment into the situation. It's such a different feeling.
30:04
And so, you know, I wish I had a. Like,
30:07
here's a way to fix your. Your addiction
30:11
to rescuing in three easy steps. There just really isn't those
30:16
yet that I've discovered. But one thing that I kind
30:20
of do, and it might seem silly, but it does seem to
30:25
work for me, is I don't know if you guys have ever heard of breath
30:28
prayer before. It's something new that I've just kind of
30:32
came across. And at first I was kind of like, what?
30:36
This seems cheesy, but it's actually been working for me. And so I thought I'd
30:40
just share that with you real quick. Breath prayer can be kind of a way
30:43
to let words of affirmation, or in my case, it's kind
30:48
of God's word live in my body, not just in my
30:52
mind. And so you take kind of like a short phrase
30:55
of something. With breath prayer, it's a lot of times it's from scripture,
31:00
and you speak it in a rhythm with your breath. So it
31:04
kind of becomes both like, prayer and grounding at the same time.
31:09
And what it does is it. For me,
31:13
it's been a way to try to physically help
31:18
me release control and to return to trust.
31:22
So this is how it goes. So you
31:26
take a deep breath, and with each inhale,
31:29
in your mind, you say, this is holy
31:33
ground. And with each exhale, you say,
31:37
I release control. And some people, I kind
31:41
of put two hands over my heart when I say
31:45
it. There's just something about, like, that feeling of pressure on my chest that helps
31:49
me and is calming and relaxing. But let's just.
31:52
Let's just try it one time together. Okay? So just
31:57
take a deep breath, and then on the next inhale,
32:02
I want you to say in your mind,
32:06
this is holy ground. And then on the exhale,
32:09
I release control. Okay, so inhale.
32:12
This is holy ground. Exhale.
32:16
I release control. Again.
32:19
Inhale. This is holy ground.
32:23
Exhale. I release control.
32:27
One more time. Inhale. This is
32:31
holy ground. Exhale. I release control.
32:36
Sometimes just those three breaths are
32:40
enough to kind of remind my heart to step back and let God
32:44
do what only he can do. And those breath prayers are
32:48
things that I typically use after I get off the phone
32:52
with them. If I man, because I might be able to pull the phone call
32:56
off 50% of the time, but I'm still only battling, batting, I don't
33:00
know, maybe 10% average on how I
33:04
handle everything that was said in the conversation, after the conversation. That's a whole nother
33:08
process of letting it go, letting it go, putting it down, putting it down.
33:12
I trust, I have faith. I believe that they can do this. I'm praying over
33:16
the situation as if it's going to be okay.
33:20
I'm trusting, I'm trusting, I'm trusting, I'm trusting. I'm trusting there's
33:23
value in this for them. I'm trusting. You know, just that kind of
33:28
breath prayer is something that I do. This is holy ground. I release control.
33:32
We're good. We're. Everything's going to be okay. They're going to get this
33:36
down. So as we kind of come to an end today,
33:40
this podcast is longer than I thought it was going to be. I'd love to
33:44
just kind of pray over both of us. If prayer is something that
33:48
feels new or uncomfortable for you, that's okay. All you need to do is
33:52
kind of just take a deep breath, let your shoulders relax, and just open
33:56
your heart to receive. Father, we come to you as
34:00
parents who love deeply and sometimes
34:04
hold on too tightly. I'm just praying
34:08
that you would help us remember that where we're standing in
34:13
the lives of our children is sacred ground.
34:16
Would you teach us how to tread gently,
34:20
with reverence and with trust? Would you remind us
34:24
that this is our child's journey and it's not ours
34:27
to control? When we start to feel that urge to step in
34:31
and rescue, just give us the courage to pause when
34:35
fear rises up. Just give us the wisdom to stay
34:40
soft. And when we want to start leaning on our own
34:44
strength, then help us lean into yours instead.
34:47
God, we ask for faith. Faith that you
34:51
are already at work in our children's lives, even when we can't
34:56
see it. Faith that you love them more than we ever
35:00
could. Faith that your presence is steady and
35:04
strong where ours falters.
35:07
Let our presence reflect your love, not our fear.
35:12
Shape us, Lord, into safe places where our
35:15
children can return even in the middle of their struggles.
35:19
And, Lord, I just pray that our homes, our words,
35:23
our hearts, that they're all just filled with grace.
35:27
Thank you that you walk this road with us.
35:31
Thank you that none of it is ever wasted and
35:36
that you can call both of us and
35:40
our children holy and beloved. We release
35:44
control back into your hands today, and we trust you with
35:48
what matters most. Amen,
35:52
friend. If this landed with you today,
35:55
you're not alone. Obviously,
35:58
you at least have me in the boat with you. We rescue because
36:02
we care. But now we're learning to pause, to trust,
36:05
and to stay soft even when life is messy.
36:09
So this week, when the urge rises,
36:13
let's picture that holy ground and say this.
36:16
This isn't mine to control. God's at work here.
36:20
We are here to support, not to save, to love,
36:25
not to rescue. And it won't always be easy, but it will be
36:29
worth it. Because what we're building, this trust,
36:33
this space, this gentler way of showing
36:37
up for others and for ourselves, it matters.
36:41
Thank you for being here. Let's just keep walking this out,
36:44
one brave, honest step at a time.
36:48
Now for the fun part. I'd love to hear from you.
36:52
If you have any questions, comments, or maybe even just something you're
36:56
struggling with that you want to hear more about, shoot me an email@parentingthroughthehardmail.com
37:03
it's so easy for us to forget that our thoughts, our experiences,
37:07
and even our struggles can be the very thing that helps someone
37:11
else begin to heal. If you want to be
37:15
part of what we're doing, you can sponsor an episode by making a donation of
37:19
any size, big or small. Every gift goes straight to covering the
37:23
cost of production, and you can find the link to donate in the show notes.
37:27
It's an honor, friend, to walk with you on your journey
37:31
and to have you beside me on mine.
37:34
I'm so grateful you're here with me as we learn how to
37:38
show up for ourselves, for our kids, even when they're grown,
37:43
and for the quiet, courageous work of healing,
37:46
even when it's hard. Until next time,
37:49
let's stay grounded in what truly matters. Keep taking steps forward,
37:54
and remember, we're allowed to stumble,
37:57
learn and give ourselves grace as we move through the
38:01
hard parts of this journey. You're doing better than you think,