Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #567 Parenting Differently to Our Parents

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#567 Parenting Differently to Our Parents · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, both of us we've made intentional choices to dispont
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: different with the way we would dispont. That is, we
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: tried to avoid punishments at all costs and just work
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: with our kids, whereas both of our parents did a
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  Speaker 2: lot of things to us to make us comply or
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  Speaker 2: do what they wanted.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 2: Every now and again the topic comes up that I'm
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  Speaker 2: so excited to talk about. But this one's going to
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  Speaker 2: be a bit of a dicey one. Recently on Reddit,
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  Speaker 2: I'm not a big Reddit user, but someone flicked me
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  Speaker 2: something that caught my attention. Some redditors got online and
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  Speaker 2: pretty much said, hey, what do you do differently to
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  Speaker 2: your parents? What did your parents do? And because they
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  Speaker 2: did that, you've consciously and intentionally looked at the way
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  Speaker 2: you were raised and thought, no way am I going
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  Speaker 2: to do that when I get older. I had this
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  Speaker 2: conversation with a handful of people recently and asked them
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  Speaker 2: what their answers were, and I should just mention before
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  Speaker 2: we played the first of these that it was a
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  Speaker 2: noisy environment that I recorded them, so you'll hear.
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  Speaker 3: A whole lot of ambient background noise.
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  Speaker 2: This is what they said, Sarah from the Hawksbury. What
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  Speaker 2: was it that your parents did that you made a
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  Speaker 2: commitment not to do.
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  Speaker 4: My parents were heavy drinkers, both of them. So I
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  Speaker 4: don't drink any alcohol now because I've seen the effects
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  Speaker 4: of that, and I think it's important for our children
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  Speaker 4: to not be around that. I was always having to
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  Speaker 4: fill up their drinks for them and watch them slowly
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  Speaker 4: go downhill every night of my life.
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  Speaker 2: That's an unexpected and fairly challenging issue. Isn't it great though,
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  Speaker 2: that Sarah has recognized and made a conscious decision that
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  Speaker 2: she's not going to let that happen in her home.
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  Speaker 5: The next one's from Allison from war Hope.
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  Speaker 6: Mom and dad treat us all equally. And now you
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  Speaker 6: would think, right, that's a really great thing, and to
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  Speaker 6: a lot of people, yes it is. But I remember,
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  Speaker 6: you know, we come home from like a sports carnival
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  Speaker 6: or something. One of us may have won a race
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  Speaker 6: and someone else got a participation award, and we both
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  Speaker 6: got the same amount of praise, and that used to
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  Speaker 6: go you know what I thought. So I now, if
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  Speaker 6: one kid does better than the other in something, I'm
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  Speaker 6: very happy for, you know, to still give the other
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  Speaker 6: one attention, but to really focus on that achievement, as
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  Speaker 6: opposed to just always you tried your best, and that's
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  Speaker 6: all we ever asked for. Therefore you all did perfectly
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  Speaker 6: in our eyes today, that's terrible parenting. It.
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  Speaker 2: So there's a controversial one right there. I think that
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  Speaker 2: I might have a few things to say about that one.
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  Speaker 6: Well.
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  Speaker 5: I actually love this one because I had a conversation
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  Speaker 5: with one of our children the other day. I was
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  Speaker 5: able to share a really special experience with her that
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  Speaker 5: was related to her. It was just this acknowledgment to
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  Speaker 5: her that while I have the same depth of love
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  Speaker 5: for each of the children, for me to say that
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  Speaker 5: I love them all the same is actually not true
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  Speaker 5: because I have a different relationship with each of them
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  Speaker 5: as individuals, and therefore the love that I share with
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  Speaker 5: them feels different to each of them.
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  Speaker 3: Now, this next one's from Jonathan of the Gold Coast.
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  Speaker 7: When I was growing up, my parents were a little
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  Speaker 7: intimidating and punitive when it came to things that we
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  Speaker 7: did wrong, and I try not to be so intimidating
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  Speaker 7: and punitive with my children, because I think that that
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  Speaker 7: breeds secrecy and teaches our kids to lie. And I
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  Speaker 7: want my kids to be open and feel comfortable with
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  Speaker 7: coming to me with anything.
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  Speaker 3: There's a lot to unpacking. This isn't there.
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  Speaker 2: There are so many fascinating conversations that you can have.
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  Speaker 5: The next one's from Cat. She's also on the Gold Coast.
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  Speaker 8: So I was brought up by very strict parents. They
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  Speaker 8: had a very short leash, and I found that once
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  Speaker 8: I got older, I went crazy. Kids need the freedom
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  Speaker 8: to experience life and not be held back so much.
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  Speaker 8: So I feel like with our kids were a bit
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  Speaker 8: more flexible with them.
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  Speaker 2: So, Kylie, some really fascinating responses from people that I
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  Speaker 2: bumped into and had to chat with.
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  Speaker 3: But you and I were talking about as well.
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  Speaker 2: And there's a handful of things that you and I
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  Speaker 2: have intentionally chosen to do differently based on the way
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  Speaker 2: we were raised.
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  Speaker 3: What did you jot down?
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  Speaker 5: Well, I do remember, not very often, but I do
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  Speaker 5: remember having my mouth washed out with soper a couple
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  Speaker 5: of times.
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  Speaker 3: Wow.
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  Speaker 5: Definitely smacking was in there, but grounding. I was grounded
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  Speaker 5: a lot for doing the wrong things.
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  Speaker 3: So was I. I remember I got pined.
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  Speaker 2: I shouldn't. Even the kids don't know about this. I
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  Speaker 2: got done shoplifting when I was a teenager. I was
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  Speaker 2: a rotten kid when I was a teenager, and it
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  Speaker 2: was before Christmas, and my parents grounded me till Easter.
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  Speaker 6: Wow.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, literally, they.
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  Speaker 2: Said, you're not surfing, You're not You're not doing any
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  Speaker 2: of the stuff that you did. They did they follow through, No,
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  Speaker 2: they had no chance, but they tried. You made it
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  Speaker 2: sound really bad when I know your mum and dad.
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  Speaker 2: It was a four month grounding. I think that it
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  Speaker 2: lasted about four days, but it was miserable. Those four
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  Speaker 2: days were awful, you know.
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  Speaker 5: I remember again Kat said it as well in hers.
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  Speaker 5: I remember as I got older, my parents actually got
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  Speaker 5: like I know that they were trying to loosen the reins,
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  Speaker 5: but they actually got tighter, that fearful anxiousness around, you know,
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  Speaker 5: not wanting me to not wanting me to find myself
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  Speaker 5: in a position where I'd make it bad choice, or
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  Speaker 5: being worried that there were bad people out there that would,
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  Speaker 5: you know, take advantage of me. And so I knew
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  Speaker 5: that it was always coming from a place of love,
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  Speaker 5: but it just left me second guessing my own ability
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  Speaker 5: to make good choices.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, So what have you intentionally done differently? I
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  Speaker 3: mean I did.
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  Speaker 2: Both of us we've made intentional choices to disiplind differently
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  Speaker 2: the way we would disappoint. That is, we tried to
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  Speaker 2: avoid punishments at all costs and just work with our kids,
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  Speaker 2: whereas both of our parents did a lot of things
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  Speaker 2: to us to make us comply or do what they wanted.
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  Speaker 2: So what have you done differently?
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  Speaker 5: I think that you and I have had this really
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  Speaker 5: wonderful mix of sometimes feels like too many conversations with
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  Speaker 5: our kids, but really including them in the conversations. I
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  Speaker 5: know my parents tried to do that. They definitely tried
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  Speaker 5: to do that. But as we've talked through the different
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  Speaker 5: choices that they want to make, we've been able to
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  Speaker 5: have really good conversations with them and work together to
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  Speaker 5: find a solution that, while that kids will always say
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  Speaker 5: hasn't hasn't necessarily felt like an equal win win to them,
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  Speaker 5: there has been a definite acknowledgement that they've felt heard.
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  Speaker 3: Well.
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  Speaker 2: Even if we go back to the conversation that you
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  Speaker 2: and I had on Friday in hour, I'll do better tomorrow,
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  Speaker 2: just a couple of days ago. The way that our
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  Speaker 2: eldest has reflected and said, I didn't really like the rules,
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  Speaker 2: but they they've always been good rules, and I'm coming
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  Speaker 2: back to them increasingly. The elder I get and I mean,
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  Speaker 2: she's moved out, married, all that sort of stuff, but
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  Speaker 2: she sees the value in it. And I think that
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  Speaker 2: comes from the conversations that we had. And it's internalized, right,
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  Speaker 2: rather than I'm doing it because my parents made.
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  Speaker 3: Me do it. It's internalized and that's the powerful thing.
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  Speaker 2: After the break, a couple of other things that we've
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  Speaker 2: intentionally chosen to do differently to our parents, and the
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  Speaker 2: conversation that you have with your parents when they say,
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  Speaker 2: did I do okay?
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  Speaker 3: Raising you?
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  Speaker 2: The unhealthy, unhelpful boy code that is rampant in our
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  Speaker 2: children's school and social environments encourages some persistent and dangerous
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  Speaker 2: ideas about what it means to be male. But the
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: Building Better Boys webinar is here to help unpack these
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  Speaker 2: cultural ideas and help guide our boys to be brilliant, beautiful,
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  Speaker 2: and even better. Building Better Boys is available today online
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: at Happy Families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 5: It's The Happy Family's podcast, the podcast for a Time
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  Speaker 5: Poor Parent who just wants Answers.
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  Speaker 3: Now, Kylie.
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  Speaker 2: When I was a kid, my dad used to drive
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  Speaker 2: a milk truck around the place and deliver milk. And
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  Speaker 2: he used to let me sit in the back of
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  Speaker 2: the milk truck in the milk crates while he was
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  Speaker 2: delivering the milk. And I don't think that I would
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  Speaker 2: let my kids, our kids do that.
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  Speaker 5: I actually split my chin open because I was sitting
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  Speaker 5: on the boot of the car while it was moving.
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  Speaker 5: My parents weren't actually driving it. They would have probably not,
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  Speaker 5: but that was the thing, right, Yeah, Yeah, I was,
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  Speaker 5: But I remember I remember being very very young and
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  Speaker 5: seat belts weren't enforced back then.
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  Speaker 3: Sit in the front seat of the car.
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  Speaker 7: Yeah.
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  Speaker 5: We would go on long travel trips to visit family
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  Speaker 5: in New Zealand, and my mum would actually either fill
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  Speaker 5: the boot of the wagon and that would be where
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  Speaker 5: we would sleep, and we would sit in there and
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  Speaker 5: eat and then sleep or lie down, or once we
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  Speaker 5: didn't have the wagon, it was the back seat and
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  Speaker 5: she'd fill the footholes with all of our baggage and
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  Speaker 5: stuff and then put the douna over the top, so
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  Speaker 5: we had more lay down lay down space for me
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  Speaker 5: and my sisters.
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  Speaker 2: We had a Volvo station Wagon, you know the ones
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  Speaker 2: with the rear facing seats and you could wave to
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  Speaker 2: the people in the car behind you.
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  Speaker 5: We fancy.
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  Speaker 2: We We used to be in the in the Volvo
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  Speaker 2: station Wagon and Mum and Dad would lay down the
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  Speaker 2: back seats so there was a nice big flat area,
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  Speaker 2: put down the blankets and the pillows, and we'd all
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  Speaker 2: fall asleep as we drive from Auburn back to the
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  Speaker 2: New South Wales Central Coast, because my grandparents lived in
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  Speaker 2: Auburn and Mum and Dad lived on the coast, so
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  Speaker 2: we just fall asleep as Mum and Dad drove up
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  Speaker 2: the Pacific Highway.
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  Speaker 5: I remember when I was about four, I had this
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  Speaker 5: gorgeous little like old school metal dolls pram with the advisor.
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  Speaker 2: What do you call the thing canopy sun shelter, I
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: don't know the name of it, with the thing that
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: goes over the top, the baby protected from the son
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: of the Anyway.
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  Speaker 5: I had one of these gorgeous little prams and I
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  Speaker 5: used to I used to walk it all the way
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  Speaker 5: up the driveway to the letter box because back in
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  Speaker 5: those days, they dropped the milk like your dad dropped
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  Speaker 5: the milk. The milk off at the front door, at
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  Speaker 5: the letter box, and they were glass bottles back then,
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  Speaker 5: and so I would put it inside the dolls pram
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  Speaker 5: so they wouldn't smash on the way home. And then
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  Speaker 5: I walked down. And then once I got to be
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  Speaker 5: about five, I would actually walk the block. I walked
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  Speaker 5: the block to the corner store.
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  Speaker 2: You probably have sely too many five year olds walking
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  Speaker 2: around the block, do you. I mean, that's not I
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  Speaker 2: felt so mature.
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  Speaker 5: But I'm looking at my eight year old and there's
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  Speaker 5: no way i'd let her walk the block.
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  Speaker 3: No, no, not at all. No.
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  Speaker 2: In fact, the last time she tried to, we got
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  Speaker 2: a phone call from the neighbors because she'd fallen off
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: a scooter and damaged her cel phone. But I think
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  Speaker 2: all of this highlights that parenting has changed, and we've
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  Speaker 2: become a lot more intentional and a lot more intensive,
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  Speaker 2: a lot more intentional and a lot more intensive about
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  Speaker 2: our parenting. I want to acknowledge a couple of things,
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  Speaker 2: and there's a purpose to this conversation.
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  Speaker 3: Our parents did the best.
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  Speaker 2: That they could, and every now and again, our parents
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  Speaker 2: might have a conversation with us along the lines of
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  Speaker 2: did I do okay?
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  Speaker 3: Were we good parents? I don't know, have your parents
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  Speaker 3: ever had that conversation with you.
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  Speaker 5: I don't think they've actually asked that question. But they've
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  Speaker 5: apologized a lot as they've gotten older, they've recognized where
• 10:52
  Speaker 5: they where their shortcomings were as a parent. We've had
• 10:56
  Speaker 5: plenty of conversations where we've I guess been able to
• 11:00
  Speaker 5: air I guess our grievances or challenges that we had
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  Speaker 5: in those years. I remember having a conversation with you
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  Speaker 5: as you've been researching your next book and talking about
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  Speaker 5: parenting back in the boh forever ago. And this idea
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  Speaker 5: that we make judgment calls on where we are in
• 11:21
  Speaker 5: today twenty twenty two of things that happened one hundred
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  Speaker 5: years ago, two hundred years ago.
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  Speaker 3: Well just one generation ago when we were being raised.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah, and I think it relates very much so to
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  Speaker 5: the way we were raised. The way we were raised
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  Speaker 5: twenty thirty, forty fifty years ago is white years different
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  Speaker 5: from how we now understand, right parenting, it's.
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  Speaker 2: A function of the time. So there's a favorite quote
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: of mine when we're talking about things of a historical nature,
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  Speaker 2: and that is the past is a different country, they
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  Speaker 2: do things differently there, or the past is a foreign country,
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: they do things differently there. I had a conversation with
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: my parents a little while ago where they were lamenting
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  Speaker 2: all of the parenting mistakes that they made, and my mom,
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  Speaker 2: I guess, in some ways just seeking reassurance, she asked me.
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  Speaker 2: And of course she's asking the guy that's written all
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  Speaker 2: these books. I've given my life to the study of
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: what makes a great parent? She said, Was I a
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  Speaker 2: good parent? Did I do a good job? And there
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  Speaker 2: are so many different ways that each of us could
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  Speaker 2: answer that question if our parents asked us that question.
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  Speaker 2: Some of us have been raised in homes where there
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  Speaker 2: was trauma and abuse. Some of us have been raised
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  Speaker 2: in homes where there's been alcoholism, or maybe the parents
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  Speaker 2: stuck together for the kids, but it was toxic and horrible.
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  Speaker 2: There's been so many different ways that people have been raised.
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  Speaker 5: I think maybe there was just depression and mental illness
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  Speaker 5: and as a result, parents were just physically there but
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  Speaker 5: emotionally not.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's so easy for me to say, well, mum,
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  Speaker 2: you know, based on what's on page seventy six, of
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: this textbook and page forty one of that textbook, and
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: based on this theory and that theory, No, you didn't,
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  Speaker 2: but that's not going to be helpful for me for
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: her in terms of moving forward. So my encouragement for
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  Speaker 2: anybody who has one of these conversations with their parents,
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  Speaker 2: which I think is almost inevitable for many of us,
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  Speaker 2: as we're raising our own children and our parents start
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: to make comments about how they raised us, or how
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  Speaker 2: we're doing it wrong and we should be doing it
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: like they did it, or whatever it is, I think
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: that the right response, or at least a healthy response,
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  Speaker 2: is usually going to be I know that you did
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  Speaker 2: the very best that you could, and I just need
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  Speaker 2: you to let me do the very best that I can.
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  Speaker 2: Now as well, it might be a different best to
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  Speaker 2: your best, but I'm grateful for what you did. I'm
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: grateful that you tried, and I know you loved me.
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  Speaker 2: And that's pretty much what I said to my mom.
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  Speaker 2: I said, I know that you did everything that you
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  Speaker 2: knew how to do, and I know you didn't get
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: all the outcomes you were looking for, but I'm grateful
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: that you're my mum.
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  Speaker 3: And then just don't say anything else.
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  Speaker 5: As I think about the conversation that I might end
• 13:52
  Speaker 5: up having in twenty thirty forty years time from now,
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  Speaker 5: with each of our children, living my own life and
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  Speaker 5: understanding and knowing intimately the thoughts and feelings of my
• 14:01
  Speaker 5: own heart. I know that I have gotten wrong so
• 14:06
  Speaker 5: many times. That my intentions were good, and my desire
• 14:12
  Speaker 5: to help teach my children and give them the very
• 14:16
  Speaker 5: best in life was always at the heart of everything
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  Speaker 5: that I did, and so I have to believe that
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  Speaker 5: that was the case for my mom and dad as well.
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  Speaker 5: And in spite of the fact that they didn't always
• 14:27
  Speaker 5: get it right, knowing that they had such a deep
• 14:31
  Speaker 5: love for me hopefully is enough to bridge the gap
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  Speaker 5: between what they actually did and the love that they
• 14:38
  Speaker 5: had for me.
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  Speaker 2: Some people might get help to work through some of
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: those gaps that are unbridgable otherwise.
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  Speaker 3: But I think that's a really great way to end
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: it here. So we hope that you've taken some inspirations
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: and ideas from this podcast.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you'd
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: like more ideas about how you can make your family happier.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: Please visit us at happy families dot com DOTU. And
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: if you haven't reached out to your parents lately to
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: thank them for doing the very best that they could
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: even though you're doing things differently, maybe they would be
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: a good day to do it,