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Are the Majority on the Dating Apps already in Relationships or worse Married? · The Diva Details

0:01
Welcome to the Diva Detail. Welcome to the
0:04
Diva Detail, where bold, confident women embrace
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life unapologetically. From love and sex to
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wellness and reinvention, we keep it raw,
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real, and powerful. No filters, no limits,
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just fearless conversations to help you thrive. Let's dive
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in with Diva Mia.
0:32
Hello, beautiful people. I'm so glad to be with you again.
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I just wanted to go over some things that I have been experiencing
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lately that are kind of interesting. And I thought
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that if you're out in the dating scene, so this is a podcast
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for those out there dating, you might find it interesting as well. Let's get started.
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So first, let's talk about dating apps, because that's where we're going
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with this. You've matched with the person, their photo looks great,
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their bio might even have been a little funny, and you texted for 2,
1:02
maybe 3 weeks because that seems to be the norm. You were starting to picture
1:06
that first date because you're talking about going out. Then one night you find their
1:10
wedding photos on a friend's Instagram page, or you
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search them up and they have some deep dark secret, or they
1:17
ghost you the second you suggest coffee, or 2 dates in they're asking
1:20
why you didn't text them back in 20 minutes. It's a little crazy out
1:24
here right now. The Dating apps, I think, have some, a lot of
1:28
emotionally unavailable or emotionally crazy people. Not to
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say that everyone's crazy, but wow, it's interesting because, you know, when I
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was dating, granted it was a long time ago, I will say
1:39
that the mix of people were so much better. If any of it sounds familiar,
1:43
this episode's for you. So welcome back. I, today we
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are doing a full field guide to the dating apps, not the write a better
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bio stuff. The real stuff. Who is actually on
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these apps and why? And what the research says about cheating
1:58
for men and women and the emotional kind nobody likes
2:02
to talk about, the emotional affairs. How to screen out the people
2:06
out fast so you don't burn your evening on people who were never going to
2:09
show up in the first place. I had that happen once. The practical timelines,
2:13
when, when to move off the app, when to hand your phone
2:17
number over to someone else, and when someone gets
2:21
to see your Instagram or Facebook page because Here's the thing. If you move too
2:25
fast, I know lately I've been getting a lot of guys that want my phone
2:29
number right away. If you give them your number, they may start calling you incessantly.
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I had one person that texted me 30 times in a row without
2:37
me responding once. I talked to him once on the phone and
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he went over the top. I ended up having to block him. I don't like
2:43
to block people because I like to have a civilized conversation, but this
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guy, he was out there. Then we're going to get into The hard part,
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what to do when someone gets possessive. That's exactly what he was
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doing. And what to do if you find out they're seeing other people
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or that they're married, because there's a lot of that going on. I had no
3:03
clue. I, I was innocent. I was naive, maybe a little bit,
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but I had no clue the lack of morality that existed out there.
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It's not as much as you think, but it does happen. And because it does
3:14
happen, you may get caught up in it and not realize it. One thing up
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front, everything I say today comes from a place of self-respect, not suspicion.
3:21
The goal isn't to treat every match like a suspect. You can't do
3:25
that. You can't become an FBI agent or a detective every single time
3:29
you date someone. But it is to protect your time, your safety, and your
3:33
heart so the good ones, you know, get your best energy and don't waste your
3:36
time on the ones that aren't good people. Because there's people out there
3:39
that only have their best interest in mind and not yours. Let's talk first
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about who's really on the dating apps. And there's different dating apps.
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There's Bumble, there's Tinder, there's Facebook Dating, there's Hinge,
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there's all kinds of dating apps. The question that drives everybody crazy is why are
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there so many people on these dating apps who are already taken?
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Because there are people out there that are married and they get on the dating
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apps, or they're in a relationship and they just lie and say they're
4:05
still single because they just want variety or to get some dopamine
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hit every single time somebody swipes on them. Here's what the research
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actually shows though. Back in 2015, a market firm called GlobalWebIndex
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surveyed more than 47,000 internet users across 33 countries.
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Of the roughly 600 people who had used Tinder in the past month,
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30% said they were married and another 12% said they were in a relationship.
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That's 42%, more than 4 in 10.
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Come on. I mean, we're coming up to half the people out there, so you
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have a 1 in 2 chance of meeting a cheater. Isn't that crazy?
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You might run into somebody and they lie, they say they're single
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or whatever, but they're cheater. They're either cheating on their boyfriend
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or their girlfriend, or they're cheating on their spouse.
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Now Tinder pushed back hard. The company said its own data put married
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users around 1.7%. And to be fair, 600 people is
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a small sample size. But honestly, nobody outside the app companies knows
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the exact number, and the app companies have every reason
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to lowball it because they want to make it look like their apps are
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safe. The reality is, is a lot of times it's not. And here's
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the thing, people that are married, they're not hitting the bars. They're not going
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out with friends to pick up. They're trying to keep it secret.
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People that are in relationships, they're trying to keep it secret. They don't want everyone
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knowing they're out there cheating on their partner because cheating is frowned
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upon in society by everyone. In 2023,
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researchers at Stanford— psychiatrists, professors— surveyed another 1,400
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Tinder users aged 18 to 74, and 2/3 said they
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were already in a relationship, and some of those were married. 2/3 in
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Tinder in a relationship. Half said they weren't interested in actually
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finding dates at all. They just wanted talk to people. So here's
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the thing, the reason why everybody is so frustrated with dating apps— if
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2/3 are in relationships, either married
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or dating someone, and then half are just
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there to talk to people, half of the people that, you know, are in relationships
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aren't actually there to hook up, they just want to talk to someone and maybe
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go down that slippery slope in the future, who knows. But Tinder
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then again disputed that one too, saying the answer choices were confusing. Fine, but 2
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different studies, 8 years apart, and we're seeing the same chunk of users
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that aren't available are out there trying to date. I think we
6:27
can agree it's not just you. It's, it's real. So this is the problem we're
6:31
having out there. It's because the cheaters,
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if you will, are hanging out on the dating apps. They're still on them.
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They're on Tinder. They're on Bumble. They're on Facebook Dating
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and they're out there and they won't share their profiles with you. It's interesting.
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It's a red flag if you share your profile with somebody and they don't
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accept your friend request. I had one guy say, yeah, I only keep it for
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close-knit family once I'm— I'm like, no, no. If you can't share,
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you can always unfriend me later. But if we don't work out,
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but if you can't share your Facebook profile with somebody, there's a red flag
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right there. And another red flag is sometimes you might meet
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up with somebody, you're with them, and then immediately they unmatch
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you, even though you're talking via text. Then you ask them about it and they
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just say, oh, I decided to get off the dating apps because I met you.
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Or they have so many different lines. It's a red flag.
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And here's the thing. I have a rule that I don't date people even
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if they're going through a divorce because you never know when they're going to get
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back together with their partner. A lot of these people are dating well before
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they should be dating. Why are they there? Why are all these married and
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people that are in relationships on the dating apps? And it boils down to
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the validation seekers. So this is the big one. And some people,
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they use the dating apps the way they use social media. For entertainment,
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for distraction, and for the confidence boost of collecting likes and
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matches. Every match is like a little hit of someone
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finding him attractive or her attractive. They're just not there
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for the same reason you are. And then there's other people that are
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just bored. They just are bored and they're just taking up time because
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they, they don't have anything else to do, which is really kind of pathetic.
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There's so much to do in this world, but it's true. There's people that
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are just bored and they're wasting your time and their time.
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That's why you might be getting along really well with somebody and all of a
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sudden they ghost you? Because half the people out there may be in a relationship
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or more. The other thing is they may be in an unhappy relationship,
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but instead of trying to work it out with their partner, they're out there trying
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to find someone else or make some fantasy up in
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their head that the grass is greener, which they usually find it's not. Some will
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never meet up with you. Some do, some never will. Then there's the active cheater.
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These are the serial cheaters that are constantly out there surfing around
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or trolling for new people. They're married or they're in a committed
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relationship and they're always looking for an affair.
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They usually know exactly what they're doing and they're good at hiding
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it. They're really good liars in their relationship. They're the ones that you have to
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watch out for because they're the active cheaters, the serial cheaters.
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They'll tell the person they're messing around with that they're single and it'll
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be a very short-lived hookup or a very short-lived match because they're
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not interested in having a relationship with you because they already have one. Then there's
9:14
the open or non-monogamous person. Some couples have agreements.
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That's legitimate as long as it's disclosed upfront. But sometimes
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people will tell you they're in an open relationship when they're not. And sometimes
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people will cheat when they say they're single and they're not.
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If they're hiding it, they belong in the group where they're an active cheater.
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If they're hiding it. The one I almost forgot is they got into a
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relationship and never deleted their profile. It's annoying, but mostly harmless
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until they reactivate it. Sometimes that happens.
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Sometimes people say they're just out there looking around. But why are you
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looking around if you're in a relationship? See, if you're not putting
9:51
your time and energy into the relationship you're, you're in, you're going to lose
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that relationship because people feel it when you're not 100% committed.
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Here's what I find interesting though. The researchers found that the people who were
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least satisfied with the app were the ones using it to cope with bad
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feelings, loneliness, impulsivity, and avoidant attachment
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styles. These are the people that are out there Looking for that validation fix
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that, you know, their ego needs a boost. These are the people
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that are out there just looking around. This is the active cheaters
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that are just kind of, they're just using it to cope with feelings of insecurity
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and, and lack of self-worth. The people most likely to get something out
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of the apps are the ones who using it for its actual purpose, finding a
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partner. There are still people out there. So 50% or around there,
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we don't know. It's anywhere between 40 and 60-some percent.
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If those people would just go away, it would
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be a much better dating place for everyone else. However, there are a lot
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of liars and cheaters out there. Now, don't think that 60,
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you know, 50 to 67% of the people that are out there are
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cheating. Those aren't the stats for the number of people that cheat. It's just they,
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they tend to end up on the dating apps. The current statistics in
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the US, out of all the men, it seems to be that 20% of
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men have had sex with someone other
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than their spouse if they're married. And 13% of women,
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okay? And these are for people all the way up to 80 years old.
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The US survey roughly puts it at 20% of men cheating and 13%
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of women cheating. Emotional cheating is a much higher percentage.
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So with emotional cheating, you're gonna find that roughly 15
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to 45% of adults engage in some form of emotional
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cheating, whether it's secret romantic attachments. That's what some of these
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people are doing online. 20% for married men and 13%
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for married women. But as far as emotional, it can be as high as
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45% of adults engage in some type of emotional infidelity,
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which quite frankly is just as bad as the physical cheating because you're,
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you're cheating on your partner mentally.
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And the problem is, ladies, is that women are more likely to
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have emotional affairs than men. Infidelity physically is,
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is bad enough, but the emotional cheating is bad too, ladies. More women
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may be cheating emotionally. And I know that these statistics can
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change and they probably change year to year. And they change depending on what age
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group that you're in and what age group you're looking at. But emotional affairs matter
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as well. And some of the people that are online looking for that emotional fix
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or that dopamine hit, that's an emotional affair.
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Remember that if you're in a relationship, you need to decide whether you're
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in the relationship and you're as giving as you are as receiving.
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And if you're— all you're doing is take, take, take, it won't last. One of
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the things that seems to be happening is the dating apps. It's a
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whole dynamic game of deception. If half the room isn't really playing
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the people who are serious have worse odds because screening
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matters more than anything because we have a chance of dating someone that's
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married or dating someone that's in a long-term committed relationship. They could
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have been with the person 2, 3, 4, 5 years. They could be engaged and
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they're still cheating whether it's emotional or whether it's
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actual physical and ladies, it's just as bad in the women group as it
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is the men group. So we can't really say, oh, men are always cheating.
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The ladies are doing more emotional cheating. So how do you avoid being
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taken by people that are out there and they're looking out
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for themselves? Well, you've got to use the app's intent features
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first. So most apps now let people mark what they're looking for,
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whether they're looking for long-term. Be suspicious of anyone that leaves it blank
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because if they don't say what they're looking for, they could
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always come back and say, oh, it was just a profile if they ever get
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caught. If you're messaging someone and their
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profile disappears, it's a red flag. It really is. If you're messaging
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someone and they ghost you, it might be because either they're going back to their
13:48
ex or they never got divorced, or maybe they're already in a relationship. You've got
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to lean towards apps that cost something too. Paid tiers and apps with more profile
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prompts tend to attract people with more intention. I will say if
14:00
you've got to fill out a long profile, you're going to have a higher chance
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of somebody that's actually intentional. When I see a person's profile and they only have
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one picture, it kind of raises a red flag as well. Are they serious about
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this or are they just out there? Trying to see who will swipe on them.
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A free swipe app is low effort and it's a low effort environment.
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So remember, you're going to get low effort people. Watch the photos
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too. Only selfies, only from the chest up, or no friends or no
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family, never outdoors in the daylight, a cropped out
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arm around their shoulder. Those are patterns worth noting. It doesn't take
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much to take 6 to 10 pictures of yourself and you can do
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standing pictures. I mean, there's, there's so many ways that
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people hide things. You know, sometimes they just do a face up and they
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have a ring on. You got to also watch the availability. Only text during work
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hours? That's a red flag. Or they only have limited time they can
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meet you because they're spending all their other time with their partner.
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Maybe they're never available on weekends or holidays, or they only talk to you
15:00
during the week. It's a red flag. Or they ghost you over the weekend,
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but they come back all full steam during the week. I've had that happen.
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Calls always go to voicemail at night. That's a problem. Or they're
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always occupied when you want to meet up. Maybe you want to meet up spur
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of the moment because you knew they were off that night and all of a
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sudden now they can't. It's not proof, but there are patterns and you can see
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the patterns. You can ask directly, are you single and what are you looking for?
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But I will tell you, I've had people lie straight to my face. I'm shocked
15:27
at the lack of morality out there. I just— I'm shocked. A single person
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answers without blinking, but a married person may stutter. They might
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stutter over their words. A person in relationship, they could stutter.
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Someone who's hiding something, they get vague. Or they make jokes
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or they change the subject or they deflect because they don't want to answer directly.
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You may have to ask the question over and over again. When I have to
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repeat the same question, if you're single, then there's
15:53
a problem. Here's the thing. You put— if we're out
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there and 50% of the people are married or in relationships, and I'm— again,
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it could be anywhere from 1.7 according to Tinder
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all the way up to 66%. Are in relationships
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or married. If some of those people do have open relationships, don't get me
16:13
wrong, but if majority of them don't— most people when they're with a partner want
16:17
to be with that partner. That's the sad thing, is that whoever's
16:20
stepping out, their partners may not know. They might even be in a loving relationship,
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or at least they think. I push towards— one of the things that I do
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is I text for probably a week on the app. I don't like to give
16:31
my phone number out right away. After I see that they actually
16:35
put in some effort, they see who I am, and if they're still interested,
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then I'll talk to them on the phone. After I talk to them on the
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phone, and I know this sounds really long, then I want a video call.
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I want a video call before I actually meet up with them because you want
16:47
to make sure that they're the same person because it's scary out there for ladies.
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The dating apps are a scary place because you're meeting people you don't know anything
16:53
about. I will say, after I have a phone conversation, everybody wants to go on
16:57
a date. I find that a little nerve-wracking. I'd rather have 1
17:00
or 2 video chats with somebody. Then after 1 or 2 video chats, then I
17:05
might meet for coffee or for dinner or for lunch. But it's always in public.
17:08
I'm not ever going to the person's house. I never go back to a person's
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house on a first date anyway. You've got to figure out your own timeline,
17:15
what, what you're comfortable with, but that's what I do. Sometimes these people
17:19
who never intend to meet you, they're gonna want to be endless pen pals.
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They're gonna want to text you forever. If you're suggesting meeting twice and
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they say sometime soon with no date, that's your answer.
17:30
They're getting what they want from you. They're getting your attention. They feel
17:34
valuable because you're spending time with them. And I'm sorry,
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guys and ladies, but I Your time is valuable. Stop wasting it on
17:41
people that are possibly dating someone else or catfishing you or
17:45
whatever it is. You're not getting what you want, so you need to move on
17:49
and have zero guilt. And if, if they keep saying no, not yet,
17:52
not yet, that's okay. But you should have a process.
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This process takes about 1 to 2 weeks depending on the person, depending on
17:59
how responsive they are. And it takes me 1 to 2 weeks before I want
18:03
to go on a date with somebody. If you're thinking about the numbers of the
18:07
population that cheated again, if Anybody that's ever been married,
18:10
an adult who has had sex outside the marriage,
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this is the other statistic that I wanted to bring up. When it comes to
18:17
men, only 20% of men are cheaters. And I know people say
18:21
a lot of time, once a cheater, always a cheater. And it's probably true for
18:25
the majority of the people, but only 20% of men are cheaters. So it's not
18:28
as high as you think. If, if we talk though
18:32
about people that have had infidelity in the past year, who are
18:35
dating, okay, these are daters, it's 37%,
18:39
ladies, in the men category. And if we talk about emotional
18:43
affairs, it's 45%. So 1 in 2 chance
18:47
almost to have a guy that's either, if you're dating, that's having either
18:51
an emotional affair or a sexual affair. That's pretty high.
18:54
Realize that you gotta protect yourself when
18:57
you're dating because those are the breakdowns for men.
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I know we're talking about the stats a lot, but it does matter.
19:03
53% of men are the non-cheaters, which is good.
19:07
The majority, but it's barely because, you know, you're— we're talking about
19:10
dating apps, but this is how we're meeting people these days. A quick warning
19:14
about cheating statistics. You will see wild numbers online, like 70% of people
19:18
cheat or 90% of women had an emotional affair. Most of those comes from
19:22
these tiny, tiny online polls on websites that are
19:26
selling you something. So I'm going to stick with the national numbers because those seem
19:30
much more realistic. I've met a lot of men that find it disgusting
19:33
to cheat, and I've met a lot of women that find it disgusting to cheat.
19:36
Those are the people that I want to date. I don't want to date the
19:39
people that you have to be a detective just to date them.
19:43
It's exhausting. You tend to lose yourself in those
19:46
relationships and you come out of those relationships depleted and you
19:49
have to rebuild again. Why waste your time? Just screen
19:53
better. Okay. But roughly 1 in 5 men and 1 in 8 women,
19:57
that means most married people, about 8 in 10,
20:00
they don't cheat and they've never done it. I want you to hold onto
20:04
both sides of that. Cheating is common enough that you should be alert.
20:07
But it's also not so common that you should assume everyone is a cheater
20:11
because they're not. It's a very small group of people
20:14
that don't have very high morals and have character
20:19
flaws, honestly. And because they tend to cheat over and over again,
20:23
it tends to not just be a one-time thing. And here's the part that
20:27
surprises people. The gender gap is shrinking among younger adults. It's basically
20:31
gone among people under 30. Women actually reportedly
20:34
higher, slightly higher rates than men. About 11% of women versus
20:38
10% of men were cheating. That's statistical
20:42
tie. So if you're dating in your 20s, men cheat,
20:45
women cheat, it's about the same. You can't, you can't say
20:49
that it's just men anymore, ladies. But that's for people under 30.
20:52
Here's one that matters a lot for dating app
20:56
users specifically. The National Health and Social Life Survey looked at sexual
20:59
infidelity in just the previous year, broken down by relationship
21:03
type among married people, it was 4% of men and 1% of women.
21:07
Okay, this is in the previous year. Among people who
21:11
were living together, 16% of men and 8% of women were cheating.
21:15
But among people who were just dating, 37% of men and
21:19
17% of women. So if you're living with your boyfriend or girlfriend,
21:23
it's much less likely that they're gonna cheat. It's not impossible.
21:27
If it's a man and you're living with him, it's about a 16% chance.
21:31
If it's a woman, it's 8%. So it's less likely, but there are still
21:35
bad apples out there. Think about that. The early dating stage,
21:38
exactly the stage you're in when you meet someone on an app,
21:41
is when commitment is the lowest. It may be the first 2 or
21:45
3 months and they may stray. They may not have been committed to
21:49
you yet. It's not cynicism. That's why you don't hand over exclusivity or your
21:54
heart before it's been earned. In the first 3 months is probably the most likely
21:57
time when you're supposed to be happiest. Honestly, that's the honeymoon stage, but that's
22:01
the highest likelihood that they're going to cheat. Now, emotional cheating,
22:04
this is one that doesn't show up in the sex question at all.
22:08
In 2019 though, there was a survey done by YouGov for
22:12
the Institute for Family Studies and 76% of Americans said that a secret
22:17
emotional relationship counts as cheating. If you think you're out there and you're just
22:21
messing around online and messaging people, your partner probably thinks it's cheating
22:25
because 3/4 of the population thinks that emotional affairs are cheating.
22:28
Secret emotional online relationships count as cheating as well.
22:32
The majority of people agree you don't have to touch someone to betray
22:36
your partner. 3/4 of the people in the United States think it's cheating. How common
22:40
is it? In that same survey, among people who had ever been married,
22:43
7% reported a purely emotional affair and 5% reported
22:48
a purely sexual one and 10% an affair that was both. But it does matter
22:53
for the dating apps because a lot of the taken people on these apps never
22:55
intend to meet anyone. They want the flirting, the attention,
22:59
the late night texts. In their mind, nothing happened, so you can't
23:03
consider it cheating. But if you're the person on the other end, And you spent
23:07
years emotionally investing in someone who was never fully yours, never fully emotionally
23:11
available. That is emotional cheating, and you're the unknowing third
23:15
party. One last research note that I think is really healthy to
23:18
hear is the same research shows that people who've cheated in one relationship
23:22
have higher odds of cheating in the next one. When someone tells you casually on
23:26
a first date, yeah, I cheated on my ex, but she deserved it, or gosh,
23:29
that's a red flag, believe them. Because they're going to do the same thing
23:32
to you. Or if you find out they got divorced because they had an affair
23:35
with their secretary, believe them. There's a lack of morality
23:39
there and a character flaw. They may do it to you, not because people can't
23:43
change, but because they don't— just told you how they handle unhappiness.
23:47
They go and they search out validation from someone else instead of
23:51
working through any issues they have with their partner. When people
23:55
tell you who they are, believe them. Here's another thing. We need to learn how
23:58
to screen people faster. This is an education thing. This is a learning
24:02
lesson. When you go through this and you date someone that cheats, you have
24:06
to get practical and learn how to screen better. How do you screen out people
24:10
quickly instead of wasting time, weeks, months, or even years
24:14
on someone who was never going to work? First, it's a mindset shift. Screening is
24:18
not about being mean or thinking you're better than anybody.
24:21
When I say something isn't at your level, I mean they're not
24:25
at your level of readiness, intention, effort, morality. That's the truth.
24:29
Their level of morality, they should just hang out with people at their level,
24:32
honestly. It would cause a lot less headache for the rest of us. Someone can
24:37
be a perfectly nice person and still be wrong for you. Screening is
24:41
just saying no early, kindly, so you can say yes to the right
24:44
person sooner. Eliminate the ones that don't match.
24:48
And step 1, you got to know your standards before you open the app.
24:51
Grab a piece of paper and write 3 lists. And we did
24:54
this a couple of weeks ago on the podcast. We made the list of 100
24:58
things that men are looking for and 100 things that women are looking for.
25:01
Go back to that podcast and revisit it and write down your non-negotiables.
25:06
So the non-negotiables should be 3 to 5, maybe even all the way up to
25:10
10. And these are examples of, they've got to be single
25:13
and available. They want the same thing as you. Maybe they want marriage in the
25:17
future. Maybe they have kids. Maybe they don't have kids. You want them to be
25:20
employed most likely, or to have a plan. If you don't want
25:24
them to smoke, drink, those are the non-negotiables, whatever is true for
25:28
you. And then we have our strong preferences and these are the things that
25:31
matter, but you could bend like location, maybe faith,
25:35
age, I mean, for me, age doesn't really matter. I prefer younger,
25:39
but it doesn't really matter. Lifestyle,
25:41
fitness, education. Those are, those are strong preferences.
25:45
Then nice-to-haves are height, hobbies, sense of humor,
25:48
fun, but you know, they're not deal breakers. They're just bonuses.
25:53
And write it all down because when someone is charming and attractive,
25:56
your brain will try to talk you out of your standards. The paper
26:00
doesn't get charmed. Here's the thing. You may find that you have a connection with
26:04
somebody in a way that you didn't realize you could connect, and that could override
26:08
a standard if you're not careful. You've got to make sure that you hold to
26:12
your standards. And sometimes we may need to raise our standards, ladies, because sometimes we
26:15
let a lot of things slide that we shouldn't. So step 2
26:18
is screen the profile in under a minute. Look for effort
26:22
and honesty, real signals of serious person. For me, if they're holding
26:25
up a fish, I just swipe left because I'm just like, no.
26:29
But several clear things: recent photos, a full-length one
26:32
would be if they've only got one picture, it's just a left swipe for
26:36
me. A bio that actually says something about what they need and want and their
26:39
relationship intent. If you have somebody that says, I'm looking for long-term
26:44
hookups, short-term, whatever their language is,
26:48
I would say they're probably looking for hookups. Just saying, because when people
26:51
put that on there, if they're the type of person that wants a hookup,
26:54
just realize that even if you swipe on them for the first 3 months,
26:57
they're probably still going to be hooking up with other people. It just is.
27:00
Even if they decide that you're their one and you're their person,
27:03
just realize there's a lack of clarity there. Now,
27:07
I'm not saying that if you go on one date with somebody that they're committed
27:10
to you and you're exclusive. It should take several dates before you
27:14
even come close to that. You might be dating somebody for 2 months before— 2
27:18
or 3 months before you get into exclusive territory. But once you're exclusive,
27:22
the dating apps should go away. They should not be messaging their exes.
27:26
They should not be messaging people online. Because then they're this type
27:30
of person that just, they have emotional affairs. Those emotional affairs a lot of times
27:34
will lead into real affairs. So just realize it's a slippery slope for men
27:38
and for women. If you open the door, sometimes people walk through it.
27:41
So, and here's another quick pass. If you're looking for someone
27:45
and there's no bio or their bio just, it's a list of what
27:49
they want, you know, here for a good time, not looking for anything serious,
27:52
believe them. I don't care how cute they are. Believe them.
27:55
You should be able to detail who you are and a 2-paragraph description.
27:59
Sometimes the photos are heavily filtered or they're all in sunglasses
28:03
so you can't actually see their eyes. That to me is a red flag because
28:05
I like to see a person's eyes because you can tell a lot from the
28:08
eyes whether you're going to get along or not. Anything hostile towards
28:11
the opposite sex or towards their exes in their bios is a
28:15
red flag too because they're still bitter and they're bitter in public, they're going
28:19
to be bitter in private. So if they're saying, my, don't be a cheater,
28:22
don't be a nasty person, it's a red flag.
28:25
Asking for someone with integrity and honesty and character
28:30
is one thing, but saying tell them what you want versus not complaining about your
28:34
exes is what you need. And this is where you need to save the most
28:38
time. Within the first few days of chatting, you want answers to 3 questions.
28:41
What are you looking for here? Ask them directly. You want a clear answer.
28:44
I'm looking for a relationship, or I'm looking for my person. A shrug or just
28:48
seeing what's out there is information as well. How long have you been single?
28:52
That's a good one. So if someone left the marriage 2 weeks ago,
28:55
sorry, but you're not ready. Even if they think they are, they're not ready to
28:59
date. I, when I left my marriage and granted mine was, I was
29:02
with the same guy for 28 years, but when I left, I wasn't ready to
29:05
date for probably a good 9 months. I went on a couple
29:09
dates around the 6-month mark, but then I stopped
29:12
dating again because I realized I wasn't ready. Someone who stumbles on this question may
29:16
not be single at all as well because maybe they're still married
29:20
or they're going through a divorce and you don't want to date somebody in divorce.
29:22
Divorced because a lot of times they go back to their spouse. It happens
29:25
a lot. Before they get divorced, they ended up going back, or they go
29:28
right back as soon as they get divorced. Number 3 is, would you be up
29:32
for a quick video call or conference this week? This is a big one.
29:35
This question separates the serious people from the, the pen pals.
29:39
The validation seekers and most of the married people in this,
29:43
this one will move on. So if they don't want to do a video call,
29:46
do a video call during the day if you can, like at lunch, and then
29:49
do a video call in the Do a couple before you actually meet up with
29:53
somebody because you can say, hey, look, I'd like to talk to you on the
29:56
phone via video, but if you have a sense that maybe they're in a relationship
30:00
with somebody else, you may want to be a little bit more aggressive before you
30:03
actually spend— waste your time even going out with them. Serious people though will say
30:07
yes or say, I can't this week, but how about Thursday the 15th? Or if
30:11
you ask them for a date, say, okay, well, I'd like to talk to you
30:13
on the phone or have a video call first. There's nothing wrong with that.
30:16
But if they don't call, it's a red flag.
30:20
And sometimes you need to offer an alternative. Unserious people say,
30:23
maybe, we'll see, or let's keep things, let's keep talking first.
30:26
And they wanna talk forever. There are people out there that just wanna talk forever.
30:30
And then step 4, watch for effort imbalances. In a good early
30:33
connection, effort is roughly equal. So they show up,
30:37
they ask questions, they remember what you told them, they respond
30:41
in a reasonable time. If you're writing a paragraph and they're writing LOL and
30:46
WYD, that's a mismatch in investment and it rarely fixes itself
30:49
later. It just shows that they're not really wanting to put in the effort,
30:53
and that's okay. You don't need somebody that doesn't put in the effort, but you
30:56
still need to be careful of the ones that do put in the effort because
30:59
some of the serial cheaters out there, they're really good at faking the effort.
31:02
Step 5 is the red flag fast list. So these mean you
31:07
should slow down or For instance, if they push to move off the
31:11
app immediately, that's a red flag. Or if they ask for your WhatsApp or
31:15
Discord or some of those other apps that they have messages
31:19
that disappear, they don't want to message you regularly. They want to message you through
31:23
one of these third-party apps. That's a scam, or it's somebody that
31:26
is married or in a relationship. Also, if they ask for money,
31:30
gift cards, or crypto or help because they're financially having problems,
31:34
That's a red flag. There have been so many people that have been scammed
31:38
on these apps where they're set to go on a date and all of a
31:40
sudden, oh my gosh, my car broke down and I need to pay the tow
31:43
truck and I don't have enough money. Can you send me money so I can
31:47
pay the tow truck and then I'll Uber to you? I mean, that's happened to
31:50
people. And sometimes they're just over-the-top sexual very early
31:54
on after you signaled that you're not, um, and you're not there. You have to
31:57
be careful for that too, ladies, because there have been people who have gotten raped
32:01
on dates from dating apps. One of the things my friends have me do is
32:03
whenever I go on a dating app, I share my location so they know where
32:07
I'm at. And then when the date finishes, I have to text them. And if
32:10
the date is going well, I can text them as well. But if it's not,
32:13
every couple hours I check in. There's things you can do to protect
32:17
yourselves, men and women, because there's some crazy women out there too, don't get me
32:20
wrong. Then the other thing is sometimes their stories just don't add up. Do they
32:24
have a job? Do they have kids? Where are they living? And sometimes it keeps
32:27
shifting. Where they're living and the story about their kids and their job.
32:31
When they don't add up, that's a red flag. There's so many red flags.
32:34
Here's the thing, ladies, you're gonna have to date a lot on the dating apps.
32:37
You're gonna have to go through hundreds of people and just expect it
32:41
because it's not that easy to find your person
32:44
on a dating app. It actually might even be easier to find them at church
32:47
or at an organization or a club because then you talk to people face to
32:51
face and you know you have similar likes. The other thing
32:54
is sometimes they love bomb you. I've never felt this way about you. You're the
32:58
one. In a month they tell you they love you. The intensity is
33:01
immense. Maybe they talk to you about getting married. Here's the thing,
33:05
those can still be serial cheaters. They just know how to push your buttons.
33:08
Sometimes they refuse every video call. In 2026, there is almost
33:13
no good reason for that. Almost everyone can do a video call.
33:16
So if they're refusing video calls, there's a reason. Don't don't fall for
33:19
it. And the last thing is give yourself a time limit.
33:22
So this is my favorite rule. If you haven't had a video call or met
33:25
a person within 2 weeks or 3 weeks and you're just regular chatting, you have
33:29
to end it politely. Say, hey, I've enjoyed chatting, but I'm looking for someone ready
33:32
to meet. Best of luck. And then unmatch, just unmatch with the people that aren't
33:36
good. And 2 weeks is plenty of time. If someone's not interested in talking to
33:39
you for 30 minutes on the phone, why would you spend the time going to
33:43
meet them for coffee or getting dressed up for a date? You gotta be able
33:47
to meet with somebody face-to-face on a video call before you actually meet them.
33:50
I think that it's important to say, let's set the stage
33:53
for when to text, when to share your number, when to share your social medias,
33:57
what to share first. So in the app chats, you should be giving your first
34:00
name, general area. You should not be giving your information. A video call
34:05
can happen next. You, you, you go live. You can do that in
34:09
the app or you can do it on your phone. It depends on how comfortable
34:12
you are with the person. And then after that, you can give them your phone
34:15
number. Your phone number, it's ideally, a Google Voice number or a
34:19
private messaging number. You can share your information.
34:23
You gotta set up your first date, but on your first date, you should have
34:26
a time and it's in a public place and you should never have them pick
34:28
you up. Don't give them your address. You should meet them there. The last thing
34:32
you should ever give somebody is your home address and you really shouldn't until you've
34:35
had a few dates with them. I'm talking 2 or 3 dates. Don't be bringing
34:39
people back to your house on the first date. It's, it's not a safe thing
34:42
to do. Just be careful. So the timeline, every week someone
34:46
asks me when I, when do I give them my number? And it
34:50
kind of depends, but I'm talking to someone a lot on the app before I
34:54
give out my number. And I've had so many men want my number after 2
34:57
talks on the app. And I don't do that. It's kind of like a trust
35:00
ladder. You climb one ring at a time and then they have to earn
35:04
each ring. So stay in the app first. The app is your safety net.
35:07
It has block and report buttons. It keeps a record. If someone turns
35:11
out to be a creep or a scammer, the app can do something about it.
35:14
So the first few days, keep Keep it there. Share your first name, your general
35:18
area, what you like to do. Don't share your last name,
35:21
your workplace, or your neighborhood yet. Just keep it private. A lot of
35:25
people get emotionally attached just via texting. I say a few days to about
35:30
a week in the app. Remember, texting creates a version of someone in
35:33
your head that may not match reality. The longer you text
35:37
without meeting, the bigger the gap. And so then sometimes you may even get disappointed.
35:41
Round 2 is a short video call. So before you give out personal contact information,
35:45
do a 5 or 10-minute video call in the Many apps have this
35:49
built in, so you don't have to share anything to do it. This will confirm
35:54
that the person in the photo is the one you are talking to. It tells
35:56
you if there is any chemistry. You can see chemistry via a video call.
36:00
It filters out a huge number of catfish and scammers. Someone who keeps
36:04
refusing to video chat is telling you something. I will say there are people
36:08
that talk really a good game via text. As soon as you
36:11
get them on a video call, they stumble, they act Like they're hiding something
36:15
or they can't have a good conversation. Sometimes people,
36:19
they just, they don't seem very intelligent when you talk to them on the
36:22
phone. And if intelligence is one of your things, it's a way to root out
36:26
the people that you shouldn't even be going on dates with. Wrong 3 is you
36:29
can give them your phone number. You give them your number when you're actually planning
36:32
a first date and you need to coordinate. You don't, they don't need to have
36:35
your phone number before that. And a lot of people hand it over the first
36:38
hour because the app feels clunky. Resist that need
36:42
because this is a pro tip. Use a second number, a free Google number if
36:46
you can, or the private calling feature that's in the app already offered,
36:49
because your real cell number is connected to a lot of information about you.
36:52
People can sometimes look it up and find your full name,
36:55
address, even relatives. A second number protects you. And if things
36:59
go badly, you can stop using it. You can just delete it.
37:03
And here's the thing. The first date should always be in a public place,
37:07
and that's level 4. Your own transportation, you tell
37:10
a friend who you're meeting, when you're meeting, and you send your location
37:14
to your friend. The first date can be coffee or a drink, an hour or
37:17
so. If it's great, you'll want a second date. I've had a coffee date turn
37:21
into a 3-hour date. If it's not great, you've lost an hour, not an entire
37:25
evening. So I do like coffee dates. And then the next thing is,
37:28
now that you're dating them, you can share your social media with them,
37:31
but you could share your social media early, but then they get your full name.
37:34
So just remember that. Your Instagram, your Facebook, your TikTok,
37:38
they're a window into your whole life, your friends, your family, your kids,
37:41
your workplace, where you hang out, sometimes even where you live.
37:45
So I'd hold off until you've had 2 or 3 good dates
37:49
before you fully share all your social media with them. Because they may
37:53
show up at your house if they can find out too much information with you.
37:56
And there have been a lot of stalkers out there, ladies. I have had stalkers
38:00
on some of these dating apps that really kind of freaked the crap out of
38:03
me. So you have to be careful. One thing you can check is
38:07
when they share their social media is do their stories match? Will they treat you
38:10
with respect? Are they gonna be nice to you on social media? Here's the
38:15
flip side. Their social media is also a window into their life. This is one
38:18
of the best tools you can have for catching taken people. If they refuse
38:22
to share their social media and you've been on 3 or 4 dates with the
38:25
person, it's a huge red flag. If someone's been dating you for a month
38:28
and refuses to share any of his social media or gives you an account with
38:32
12 followers and no photos of themselves, and it just got activated
38:36
like a month ago, that's worth asking about. Some people are genuinely private,
38:39
which is fine, but a married person often can't let you see a
38:43
profile full of family photos, or they go by a different name than their actual
38:47
name. Maybe they have a Mike instead of Michael,
38:51
and Michael is their name they usually go by, but they have a separate Mike.
38:54
So sometimes they create secondary profiles, which is kind of odd,
38:59
but you know, people will go through huge lengths sometimes to cheat.
39:03
I don't understand it, but that's just just what people do.
39:06
A healthy middle ground, you can always do a light check, respectful check
39:10
before a first date. Search their first name and city or do
39:13
a reverse image search on one of their photos. And that way it's not
39:17
really stalking, but it is protecting yourself. It's a basic safety thing.
39:20
So you can search their name now that you have their first and last name.
39:24
Usually by the time you're going on a date, you should have their first and
39:27
last name and just, you can search social media and see if there's any public
39:31
information that they're still married or any pictures or things like that.
39:35
It's a basic safety thing. If you can catch a fake profile or a wedding
39:38
announcement or that they're engaged, might as well knock it out before
39:41
you waste your time going on a date. Then the last thing is the deep
39:45
personal stuff. You can give your home address once you've been dating somebody for
39:49
anywhere from 2 to 4 weeks, your kids' names and schools, your workplace,
39:53
all those. Don't give your finances for a long time. That comes very
39:57
last. That can come like a year or 2 later, but after
40:00
weeks of real consistent behavior their real life is going
40:04
to be exposed to you too. So trust is a two-way street. If you're someone
40:08
showing them your world and they're still a mystery, the ladder is very lopsided.
40:12
The overall rule: share at the pace of trust, not the pace
40:16
of excitement. Excitement moves fast. Trust takes time. Just let it.
40:20
All right. And here's the hard stuff. When they get possessive.
40:23
Possessiveness early on often gets mistaken for passion.
40:27
It isn't. Here's what it looks like in the first weeks of dating.
40:30
They They get upset if you don't reply fast enough or they get mad at
40:34
you. They want to know where you are and who you're with all the time.
40:38
And if they're asking you to delete the app after 1 or 2 dates before
40:42
you've even talked about exclusivity, that's really possessive. They also could be
40:46
jealous about your friends or your coworkers or even your exes.
40:49
Showing up somewhere you didn't invite them is also
40:52
a problem because that's a little stalkerish. And sometimes they'll
40:56
give you guilt trips. If you really liked me, you would do this. But here's
40:59
the key: try to understand if someone is controlling when they
41:03
barely know you, it will not get better once they get more attached.
41:06
Early possessiveness is one of the strongest warning signs there is,
41:10
and controlling behavior is often how abusive relationships start.
41:14
Sometimes they're verbally abusive, sometimes they're emotionally abusive,
41:17
and sometimes they're physically abusive. So what do you do? You've got
41:21
to name it calmly. I like you, but I'm not okay with
41:26
with being checked on all the time like this, or, you know, a healthy person
41:28
hears that and apologizes and adjusts how they're doing. Maybe they
41:32
got burned in their last relationship and so they're a little bit anxious, but if
41:36
you have a conversation with them, their anxiousness should slow down or calm
41:40
down. And watch what happens next. If they get angry, if they sulk, or they
41:44
accuse you of doing something, or— there's your answer. They just told
41:48
you who they were and they showed you. Then maybe it's time to start
41:51
pulling away or pull away quickly. End it clearly is what my recommendation
41:56
is. And in writing, a short, clear message says, look, I don't
41:59
think we're a good fit. I wish you were the best. And then block them
42:03
on the app, block them on your phone, social media. This is exactly why having
42:06
a second number is even easier, but you can block them on most phones,
42:10
but you've got to take it seriously, especially if it escalates. If they won't leave
42:13
you alone, if they show up at your house or threaten you,
42:16
you've got to save every message and tell the police, okay? And you got to
42:20
report it because there are a lot of people out there that are very possessive.
42:24
I had one that on the first phone call freaked me out and became
42:27
extremely possessive and then kept texting and texting and texting and
42:31
wanted my address and wanted to show— and I was like, wow, it was very
42:35
possessive. And he, I've been single for 4 years, but I've been waiting for you.
42:39
And I'm like, it was over-the-top crazy. I like to
42:43
FaceTime people, but sometimes it scares me as well. You don't owe
42:46
someone a relationship just because they, they feel strongly about you. Just because they're
42:50
showing you attention, that doesn't mean they have the correct intention for
42:54
you. Attention can be nice, but at the same time, you don't need
42:58
that much validation from strangers because it can get scary for us ladies.
43:02
When you find out that they're dating other people as well, I want you
43:06
to separate 2 different situations here. If you have been on a few dates and
43:10
you haven't talked about being exclusive and they're dating other people, that's normal.
43:14
Honestly, you probably should be too. Early dating on apps is usually non-exclusive
43:19
until someone says something. Now, if you're sleeping with them, and you're feeling a sting
43:22
of betrayal, that should have been a discussion before you slept with them. I don't
43:26
recommend sleeping with somebody for the first month or two anyway. What do you
43:29
do if, if you have that conversation though? I've really enjoyed getting to know
43:33
you and I'm at the point where I'd like to just see you. Where are
43:37
you at? And ask them. Don't answer for them. Asking them the question will
43:41
help you determine where they're at. But if you have agreed to be exclusive
43:45
and you find out that they're still active, on the apps and they told you
43:49
they were exclusive and but they're seeing other people, that's a broken agreement.
43:53
It's, it's just like a broken marriage. You can talk about
43:57
it, but notice that whether they take responsibility or minimize it.
44:00
If you're dating somebody for a year exclusively and you find out that they've
44:03
been talking to other women and messing around with other women, it's a big deal.
44:07
If they try to minimize it, it's even worse. Remember what
44:10
we said earlier, the dating stage is when cheating is most common.
44:14
But it's usually the first few months, 1, 2, 3 months.
44:18
After that, if you're exclusive, if they're living with you and they're
44:22
seeing other people, or if you're exclusive and you're supposed
44:26
to be together exclusively, they're putting your health at risk and you need
44:30
to take the action accordingly because your body is your body. And to me,
44:33
it's a violation. I didn't give my consent for my partner to sleep with
44:37
someone else and then they brought all that possible disease in. It's a violation
44:42
of your relationship. It's a violation of who you are as a person,
44:46
and it violates you on every level. But what you have to do is
44:49
when you find out that they're married or in a relationship with someone else,
44:52
or they're cheating on you and you're exclusive, this is a gut punch.
44:56
You were dating someone, they were keeping secrets, or maybe you
45:00
were the secret. First thing you have to realize, it's not your fault they lied
45:03
to you. You cannot be blamed for deception. You didn't know about it.
45:07
Sometimes people are just very deceptive, and that just shows who they are as a
45:11
person. But I would recommend stop contact. You don't need a long confrontation.
45:15
They'll often need, they'll often have a story ready. Oh, we're separated,
45:18
or it's basically over, or it's loveless marriage, or I was
45:22
just trying to see what else is out there. Sometimes that's true, but someone
45:26
who's truly available doesn't hide it. If they're separated, they can come back when they're
45:30
divorced. If they're really that into you, say, fine, go get divorced and then
45:35
we can talk. But the reality is a lot of times they never get divorced,
45:37
but don't let them keep you as a backup. A lot of people will try
45:40
to keep it both ways, keep another person on the hook with promises.
45:44
Don't wait around for someone's already shown you that they're comfortable lying
45:47
to you, because if they're comfortable lying to you now, they're going to lie to
45:50
you later on. Think carefully before contacting the spouse
45:54
though. People feel strongly both ways on this. Some people feel the partner deserves
45:58
to know. Other people feel it's not their place or worry about their own
46:01
safety, because sometimes if you break up a marriage,
46:04
someone can come after you. If you do it, you do it calmly with facts
46:09
once and never in anger and never if you have any reason to feel
46:14
the other person's reaction. Just realize it's, it's scary to go in and interfere with
46:17
people's relationships, but you should report the profile.
46:20
Most apps don't allow people to misrepresent their relationship status.
46:24
So reporting protects the next person. So if you're
46:28
on a dating app and you realize that that person was in a relationship
46:32
already, and he's there, just he or she is out there just trolling for the
46:37
next victim is what I call them. Because we are victims when we don't know.
46:40
Know, you have to be careful and just report it. The more people can
46:44
start reporting profiles, the better. And then protect your health. If they were physical
46:49
with you, it's a good idea to get tested for STDs or STIs. You don't
46:52
know about the other partners. You don't know how many other partners there were,
46:56
which means you don't know if you're at risk or not. And give yourself time
47:00
to grieve because there, there is a grieving process. Even if it was short,
47:03
the feelings were real. Talk to a Talk to a therapist
47:07
and take a break from the apps if you need to. It is rough out
47:11
there, ladies, I will say, and gentlemen. I am sorry that there are people out
47:15
there that don't have the morals, values, and ethics to be honest, but it's
47:19
the real deal. I've always said that if somebody will do this in their personal
47:23
life, they will also do this in their professional life, in any other parts of
47:26
the life. They tend to cheat. They tend to not be as disciplined in life.
47:29
You see it across the board in who they are. Most important lesson: let it
47:33
sharpen your screen. Not harden your heart. Most people out there are
47:37
honest. Your job is to make it quick and easy to find
47:41
them. Screening is so very important. If you remember nothing else from today,
47:45
let's remember these 5 things. A lot of people on the dating apps aren't available.
47:49
Some of them are not emotionally available and some of them are just
47:53
not available at all. They're just there to mess with your head. Cheating is
47:57
real, but it's not universal. About 20% of married men and 13%
48:01
of married women ever cheat. So that's the sexual infidelity area,
48:05
but the gap has basically closed for people under 30. So stay
48:08
alert, but don't assume the worst about everyone and screen early
48:12
and screen kindly. Know your non-negotiables and ask
48:16
what they're looking for and see if it's a match. There's no reason to go
48:20
talk to somebody that if you want marriage and they say they just want to
48:23
see what's out there, that's not a good match. It does take a lot of
48:26
time to get through a lot of people. So the faster you can screen
48:30
them, the better. And climb the trust ladder one rung at a time: app,
48:34
video call, second phone number, public first date, then social
48:37
media, then the personal details. Share at the pace of trust, not the pace of
48:41
excitement. And possessiveness is a warning sign, not a compliment. A lie
48:44
about being single is a deal breaker. You can leave anytime
48:48
for any reason. Don't feel like your boundaries are problems.
48:52
Your boundaries are there to protect you. The point of this is to make you
48:56
efficient. You have to go to someone who's actually ready
49:00
to meet you halfway. If this episode helped, please share it with friends
49:03
that are out there on the dating apps. I know it sounds scary and it
49:07
is a lot of work. I realize that if you have the money
49:11
and you can afford it, sometimes going to a matchmaker is easier and going
49:14
to a paid app is easier. You tend to find a little bit better quality
49:18
people, but the reality is, is it no matter what you're going
49:22
to do, it's going to take some work. I hope that you can find the
49:25
person you're looking for because I think think I heard a stat the other day
49:28
that 86% of people get remarried within the first 5 years
49:32
after they get divorced. So I think that people do enjoy companionship
49:37
and finding their person and someone they can connect with and be comfortable
49:41
with. I think that's the goal, the connection and
49:45
someone you can just spend time with and be comfortable with. And yes, sexual intimacy
49:49
and everything else, but I hope that you can find the person
49:53
that you love, that you can treasure for the rest of your life.
49:56
And I hope this helped you in screening through some of the
50:00
problems that you're going to run into. This is Diva Mia. Take care of yourself,
50:03
stay safe, protect yourself, and always give love.
50:07
Take care. Ciao ciao.
50:19
See you next week for more.
50:26
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