Latest / Hurdle with Emily Abbate / 251. Yuma Haidara, Navy Veteran & Commercial Truck Driver

Transcript

251. Yuma Haidara, Navy Veteran & Commercial Truck Driver · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: I get it. I know, I know how hard it feels,
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: but I need you to know it gets better.
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: What's going on? Everybody, Emily body here.
• 0:23
  Speaker 3: You are listening to episode two hundred and fifty one
• 0:26
  Speaker 3: of Hurdle, a wellness focused podcast. Reconnect with everyone from
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: your favorite athletes to top experts and industry CEOs about
• 0:33
  Speaker 3: their highest highs, toughest moments, and everything in between. We
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: all go through hurdles in life, and my goal through
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: these discussions is to empower you to better navigate yours
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: and move with intention so that you can stride towards
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: your own big potential and of course have some fun
• 0:51
  Speaker 3: along the way.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: For today's episode, I.
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: Am chatting with Youma hydera Uma and I were introduced
• 0:58
  Speaker 3: by the team at KUFOS. She was on a I
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: hosted during Boston Marathon weekend, and that within minutes of
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: getting to know her was exactly when I knew I
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: wanted to sit down with her for the show.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: Now.
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: In today's episode, she talks to me about enlisting in
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: the Navy and what it was like to see combat,
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: plus how that experience impacts her to this day. She
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: talks openly about her experience with home Base and national
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: nonprofit dedicated to healing the invisible wounds of war for
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: veterans of all eras, and the struggle of losing some
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: of her closest friends to suicide. She also talks about
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: how she stumbled into a career of truck driving and
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: how that was actually the influence for her just start
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: taking care of herself through journaling, therapy and running. This
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: was a really impactful and beautiful conversation and I do
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: want to say a huge thanks to the team at
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: UFOs for connecting us now. If you don't know about UFOs,
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: Ufo makes footwear that reduces pressure and demand on your
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: feet and you're joint So instead of feeling fatigue and
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: pain and tightness, all of those nasty things that come
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: hand in hand with spending time on your feet and
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: being active, you can feel better thanks to some of
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: their recovery footwear. They've got sandals, they've got secret inspired looks,
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: lots of options, and I round it up some of
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: my favorites for you to check out. Just head on
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: over to uphos dot com. That's oofos dot com, Slash Collections,
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: slash Emily again, that is.
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: UFOs dot com.
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: Slash collections slash Emily to check out my favorites. I
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: am also a little bit of housekeeping here going to
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: put some links in the show notes to both the
• 2:42
  Speaker 3: home Base program that Yuma talks about in our conversation,
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: as well as some helpful resources for anyone who may
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: be struggling themselves with anxiety and depression.
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: Know that you are certainly not alone.
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: Make sure you're following along with Hurdle over on social
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: its at Hurdle podcast. I am over at Emily a
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: body and with that, let's get to it.
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: Let's get to hurdling today.
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: I am sitting down with Uma Hyderra. She is an
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: UFOs athlete. She's also a Navy veteran and by day
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: a truck driver.
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: How are you.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: I'm doing good. How are you?
• 3:34
  Speaker 3: I'm good, I'm good. I'm excited to be We're in Boston. Yeah,
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: it's a good place to be, very hot day. I'm
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: sure by the time this podcast will come out, you
• 3:42
  Speaker 3: will have already run the marathon. So let's start off
• 3:46
  Speaker 3: by what advice would you want to give yourself on
• 3:50
  Speaker 3: marathon Monday? Before towing the starting line.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: No matter the outcome, make sure you enjoy yourself.
• 3:57
  Speaker 3: Love That is that something that you've been able to
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: do for most of your running journey. And we'll kind
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: of talk about how you get into that.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: But I think so I'm not the fastest person on earth,
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: so like time goals usually go out the window. I
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: just like want to enjoy myself, be and ury free
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: and just like really take in the experience of the marathon.
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: Have you always been able to have that mindset? No, okay,
• 4:21
  Speaker 3: so what's what switched your mindset?
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: I think when I started doing marathons, I think was
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: shorter races. I didn't have that mindset because then I
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: would be going for like time. But something about like
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: the distance and just knowing that anything can happen. I
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: had to let go.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you had to let go.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: There's a lot of wildcards out there.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: Everything can happen, anything, anything.
• 4:44
  Speaker 3: So before we talk about your journey with running, I
• 4:48
  Speaker 3: do want to give some context because I listed off
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: some really cool stuff that you're doing right now. First
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: and foremost Navy veteran. So what inspired you to go
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: into the service.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: Yes, when I was growing up, I always loved the
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: structure of the military. I was in JROTC in high school,
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: so it almost felt like right to go into the military.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: And I also was just in a place of life
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: where it felt like the right step to go in
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: and also knowing that I could get my degree that way,
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: it just felt like the most financial stable way of
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: going after high school.
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: And when you say you were in a stage of
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: life that it felt right for you, can you talk
• 5:26
  Speaker 3: a little bit about that.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, my upbringing was a little tough, so like my
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: home life wasn't stable, and I just knew I needed
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: to be able to get on my own two feet,
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: and financially, I just didn't want to be in any
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: kind of debt going into college and college debt we
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: all know about student loans and I didn't want any
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: of that. And the military just gave me this safe
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: space to be able to get on my own two
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: feet while also being able to get my degree.
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: What made you decide navy?
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: Funny, So I actually wanted to go a Marine Corps
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: and my older brother is a marine, and he was like, no,
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: he would not love me. Yeah, he was actually recruiting
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: at the time, so he like told everyone basically, do
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: not let my sister join. So I was like, well,
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: I'm going to go next door and I'm going to
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: work with the Marines then, you know, being the sassy
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: little sister, and that's exactly what I did. Yeah. Yeah.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: Did he think that by telling you you couldn't join
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: his branch of service, that maybe that would dissuade you
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: altogether from going into the military.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: I think he did because he knew I was, like
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: basketball was like really big in my life at the time,
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: and so I had like potential. I had really good
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: grades at the time, and I think he really wanted
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: me to go to the traditional route, but I just
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: couldn't see it for myself. And he also knew he
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: had already been in a few deployments. He also knew
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: the environment that I would be going into, so he
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: just wanted to protect me.
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, which is understandable for context. How tall are you?
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: Six feets?
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: I just feel like the listeners need to know because you're,
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: like I was really good at basketball, Like she's also
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: very tall, yeah, also very tall, And you just didn't
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: see that that was a path that you wanted to pursue.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: No, Yeah, I don't know why. Like even like I
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: did all the things camps au, like visited all the
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: colleges I had prospects, and it just didn't feel like
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: the right decision because even if I got the scholarship
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: went to the college, I would still have to pay
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: for things. So and now I'm supposed to work too
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: while going to school while also playing basketball. It just
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: felt like the hardest way to get my degree.
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: When you make the decision that you're going to go
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: into the military, what does that look like for you
• 7:26
  Speaker 3: from the get go? You said, obviously great because they
• 7:28
  Speaker 3: would pay for your education as well.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: So initially I thought I was going to be going
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: in as a corman, which is a nurse, and the
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: waitlist was like six months long, and I really wanted
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: to go like the summer after graduation. So they said
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: I could be a builder. So in my hand, like
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: my head, I'm like, okay, I'm going to be building
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: things on the ship, like cool, whatever and so and
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: then they also said, but you can change like down
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: the line. That's kind of like how they get you,
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: you know, like you can get the job you want later.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: That's not true. Anyone joined the military expect much harder
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: to the switch rates afterwards. But went in as a builder,
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: and I went in in August of two thousand and seven,
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: and for me, it was get through boot camp and
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: like get to your a school. I wasn't really like
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: aware of what my job entailed or what I would
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: be dealing with. I kind of really just went into, like,
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: I don't know, get it done, like get in as
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: fast as you can and start getting a paycheck and start,
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: you know, starting your adult life.
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: Basically, what was the division between your time working versus
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: studying versus whatever you had to get done.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: So I didn't end up going to school until after
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: my first deployment because my whole first year in the
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: military was training. I went through boot camp and then
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: I went to builder school, and then I went through
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: combat training, and then I had to get to my battalion,
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: and then right when I got to my battalion, you
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: were being deployed. So I had no time to go
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: to school. So when I came back, the work schedule
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: was ua gotupt And then when we're in a homeport
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: as we call it, there's not much to do because
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: we build the bases like in Iraq and Afghanistan, So
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: like when we're here, it's like we might like maintain
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: some buildings and stuff, but we don't have a full
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: work day or do trainings, right, so it made it
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: actually very easy to like be able to slip out
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: for a few hours and like study or do homework
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: and then come back and then I would go to
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: school at night, right, Yeah, so it ended up working
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: out pretty well.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: Two things.
• 9:19
  Speaker 3: First thing, when you say that you built for Iraq
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: and Afghanistan in your capacity, did you see any combat?
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: Yes?
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: Okay, yes.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: Our first place we were at in Ramadi, Iraq, it
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: was already built, so we were maintaining and like build
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: like expanding it. But you're still like we're getting attacks
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: at night, Like even though you're in the base, it's
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: just like not not even a safe space. And then
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: we would still do outside projects, so you're always just
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: kind of like in the middle of it, you know.
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't know.
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: And and so I guess I'd love for you to
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: like expand on that a little bit.
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: How did being in that situation feel for you?
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: So? Can I start with like the flight over there? Yeah?
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: You can start wherever you want.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: It's just very interesting because I'm eighteen, yeah, and I
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: like I'm around all these grown ups to me people
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: that have deployed before, and I'm almost just going off
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: of their vibe.
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: And you're also a woman, which yeah, there aren't many
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: of you.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: Not especially in the CEB's Like it's like specifically what
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: I was doing, and I just was like, Okay, if
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: everyone else around me is like calm like what you
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: see right, then I should be calm, Like I can't
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: be that the person freaking out right, like like you said,
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: also as a woman, like suck it up, be tough,
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: like you can't show the boys any weakness whatever, whatever.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: But even on the plane ride, they start handing out
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: ambient to like relax us because the plane ride was
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: so long. It was like we had to get over
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: to Ireland and then we had to jump over, so
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: we had such long flights and they just wanted us
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: to be calm. So it turns out everyone was like
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: internally freaking out right, And then you get off the
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: plane and it's pitch black because they like to do
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: movements at night, right, so you're not detected, and you're
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: just in the back of this huge truck you probably
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: see him in the movie. There's like rows of seats
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: and it has like the little tarpover so like no
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: like real protection, you know. And I remember being like,
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: just sleep, sleep until you get to base, because like
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: if anything happens, you can't do anything. Like I just
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: remember having that thought of like you have no control,
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: just sleep. And we had like our weapons and our
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: flat vest on us and you have like this little
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: neck guard and you have your helmet on, and I
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: just like put my chin in the neck guard, so
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: I was like, if a bullet comes through, it'll hit
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: my helmet. Like I was already thinking like worst case scenario,
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: like what's going to happen. And I was just like
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: just sleep and then I did. I literally just passed
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: out until we got to base, like because otherwise I
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: would have been so anxious. It was like the only
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: way for me to like calm down.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I feel like the whole deployment was almost
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: like that same mindset of a job to do. You
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: do the job and like anything can happen, be ready,
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: but like you cannot freak out all the time. But
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: internally you're almost like hyper aware. Oh it's a visulant,
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: like it's and you get so used to it.
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're just living with this level of ambient anxiety.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: Wow, but it's normal, like, you know, for the environment.
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: Right, for the environment and the fact that you're surrounded
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: by it, right, Like, You're not the only person that
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: feels this way. And I would be curious to know
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: if that was something that was spoken about amongst all
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: of you.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, of course no.
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: And so it's so funny in the military instead of
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: talking about real issues, it becomes a dark humor joke
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: and it's funny to laugh it off. And people get
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: bad habits and like, you know, personalities start to shift
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: and you see it all happening, and you you still
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: don't even tie it to Oh, it's because we were
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: in these situations. You just think like, oh, so and
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: so needs to get it together, you know what I mean,
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: because we've all been there, get it together, suck it up. Whatever.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: It's almost like this toughness thing, right, So mental health
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: has not talked about at all, Right, how you should
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: feel like going into deployment is not talked about. How
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: you're feeling during deployment is not talked about. And then
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: when you're on your way home, you watch like this
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: little like thirty minute video on PTSD. Dude, it's hilarious
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: because it's like this guy. I'll never forget it. It's
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: this guy and he's like going home to his kids
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: and his kids are like scared of him because they
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: haven't seen him in like a while, right, so they're
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: kind of hesitant. And that does happen, you know, especially
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: if like you left in there or like a young
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: toddler and he goes to like hugum and they're like distant,
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: and then he's like he gets mad about it. He's like,
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: these are my kids, Like I've missed you and they
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: don't like me. And the wife's kind of scared because
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: she noticed like he's a little different, you know, like
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: people can just feel the energy like oh they've been somewhere,
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: they've seen something. And I remember being like that's not
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: going to be me, Like that's crazy, right, And when
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: I came home, my mom and my best friend were there,
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: and I I to this day, I apologize to my
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: best friend because I was so snappy because I was
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: so used to everything being in order, everyone moving like
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: this whatever, and they just were not on that level.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: I noticed, like, oh I am like this, Like I
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: don't know.
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: How did that feel for you?
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: I felt horrible. But I also didn't think it was PTSD.
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: I just thought I was like, Oh, it's just I'm
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: just not used to transitioning back to the Savinian world,
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: Like I just served time, right, I was like, Oh,
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: that's all it is. And then I just like whatever,
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: dismiss it.
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: Was it weird for you when you finally got to
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: a place where you did talk about all of these feelings.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: If I'm being honest, I probably really really started talking
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: about these feelings within the last year.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: Wow, Like I got on you, thank you.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. It was hard because I was in such
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: denial about my mental health. I cause I was I
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: was thriving, I was still functioning, I was working full time,
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: I was going going, but I didn't realize that that
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: was like almost my addiction or whatever. Like some people
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: go to alcohol, some people go to the gym, and
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: mine is like, don't give yourself a second to think.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: Work a full time job, have a small business, do this,
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: do that help so and so, like never let yourself
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: have like two seconds to sit on the couch to
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: even like think, right until my body just couldn't do
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: it anymore, until I literally shut down. Is when I
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: finally was like, I need I need help.
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: What did literally shutting down look like for you?
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: I couldn't move my body. I were you. I was
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: driving my job and I delivered to a store in
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: Connecticut and I was on the way home. It was
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: probably like three hours away, and I had pulled over
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: to go to bed that night in a service plaza.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: And that night my phone was kind of like ding
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: ding ding. People were calling me, and I just remember
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: like feeling like this well in my chest and then
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: all of a sudden, my heart was racing and I
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: like couldn't move and like, thank god I was parked,
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: but I like now know I I was having a
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: panic attack. I like thought I was gonna but I
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: couldn't even like pick up my phone and call anybody
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: like so I just like moved to my bunk laid
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: down until it like passed like an hour later, and
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: I called my friend. I was like, I think something's wrong,
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: Like I might need to go to the hospital. I'm
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: in Connecticut. This really sucks, like whatever, and they're like, yeah,
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: you're probably fine, like just go to bed. And the
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: next day I slept like sixteen hours. I didn't wake
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: up till like two in the afternoon, I call work
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: and I'm like, I'm so sorry, I'm not feeling good, like,
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: and they were like, we'll come down and get you
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: because that's how I make my company's amazing. They're like,
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: we'll drive a car and then one of us will
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: drive the truck back and you just get in the
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: car and we'll drive you home. And I was like, no,
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: I'll be fine, I'll figure it out because I felt
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: bad and conveniencing people to.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: Drive like three hours, yeah, I understand.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, especially and also another man's world, right, I don't know,
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: it's like you wanted to.
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: In these man's world these typically right, yeah, making your
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: own way you have to. You have to.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I don't know why I'm like attracted to
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: those jobs honestly, but you know, I'm comfortable there, I guess.
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: So that was and it was funny. At the time.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: I was also working nights, I should say that, so
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: in my head it's like, oh, you're just tired, and
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: that's what I like said it was. And I went
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: home that day and I didn't get out of bed
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: for seven days. And my boss at the time, she
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: was like, Uma, you need to see somebody like she's like,
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: this is more than being tired, and I was like,
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: I don't know, like just keep like PTO like I'll
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: come in eventually. I'm just tired, like my circadian read
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: THEMS off whatever, and she's just like, no, you need
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: to put in for LA. You need to like see
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: a mental person. And like if it wasn't for her,
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: even like putting that seed in my head, I was
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: still in denial. Yeah, you know, like I didn't even
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: know that this was what like a depressive episode looks like. Yeah,
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: I didn't even know that terminology totally.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and often we don't, right.
• 17:51
  Speaker 3: I remember when I went through my own depressive episode
• 17:54
  Speaker 3: at the beginning of last year. I i before I kind
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: of came to turn with it. I remember that I
• 18:01
  Speaker 3: was sitting on my couch and I was listening to
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: someone else talk about what depression looked like for them,
• 18:07
  Speaker 3: and when she said the word the words I just
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: felt stuck. That really resonated with me because I had
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: never heard it described that way before. So when she
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: said I felt stuck, I felt it like in my
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: chest when she said that, and I was like, that's
• 18:22
  Speaker 3: exactly how I feel. This is exactly how I feel,
• 18:25
  Speaker 3: and I hadn't been able to vocalize or put words
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: to it or some up like how I had been
• 18:30
  Speaker 3: feeling until I heard those words, and I was like, Okay,
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: maybe this is something that I should look into. Maybe
• 18:36
  Speaker 3: after hearing her give that breath, that I had the
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: opportunity to then do something for myself. So when you
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: heard that from your superior, what happens next?
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: A little backstory? Yeah, so this happened in like it
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: was December ninth. I'll never forget the day. Obviously, I
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: had ran the New York City Marathon what maybe like
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: two weeks before, right, and I read for the home
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: based program, which is like helping veterans heel their invisible wounds.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: And at that charity dinner, I made a little joke like,
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: ha ha, I probably raised all this money for myself.
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: So there was already like some sort of awareness that
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: I was like dipping, but I was still like in
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: denial that I needed it now or whatever. And everyone
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: at the table took me very seriously. They gave me
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: a number to call. They even called the person to
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: be like, if she doesn't call, you, call her, because
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: I think they already knew, like I was kind of
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: like in denial about it. Two days later, on Tuesday,
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: he calls me and I'm like, uh, I'm okay, Like
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: you can put me in, but like I don't need
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: to go now because it's two full weeks. And I
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: was like, eh, and the holidays are coming up, and
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: I was just like, wait, so what is it. It's
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: this program's actually here in Boston. And what they do
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: is they like bring veterans from all over that are
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: dealing with mental health issues, and they put you in
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: group therapy every day. They have art therapy, they have
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: recreational therapy, and then you have individual therapy. So every
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: day is scheduled out and you're in a group of
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: twelve people. They call him Poor Hearts, and it's absolutely amazing.
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: It's a year of therapy crammed into those two weeks. Wow.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: They put you in a hotel nearby, so it's not inpatient,
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: like you still have your freedom, but they provide everything, meals,
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: all the medical care you need, if you ran out
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: of your prescriptions, whatever, they take care of everything, so
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: there's no cost to you. And I think so many
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: veterans need it. Like I said, most of us are
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: in denial. Of what we're dealing with. Oh yeah, I
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: got off track. So he asked me. I said no, no, no,
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: like you know, wait. Two weeks later, I had this
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: panic attack. I call him sobbing, like I need to
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: get in now. At the time when he asked me,
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: I would have been in in two weeks. When I
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: waited two more weeks to call him, I had to
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: wait till March to get into the program.
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: How did that feel.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: I didn't know what to do. And he was like,
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: we have resources and this is a good thing. He
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: was like, we will find resources at work with your insurance,
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: get with the VA. And at the time I was
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: not in the VA system. It took me even longer
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: to get in the VA system. That's a whole other
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: guilt trip and whatever. And he's like, we'll give you
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: all the resources, which he did, but even still I
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: still had to wait and wait less until February. I
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: didn't get to see any therapist until February.
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: It makes me so mad. It makes me mad. I'm
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: mad for you.
• 21:12
  Speaker 3: I had a similar experience where like just waiting to
• 21:15
  Speaker 3: get access to a doctor despite having health insurance, still
• 21:19
  Speaker 3: needing to wait, and it's just so frustrating that this
• 21:22
  Speaker 3: is the system and there really are no solves, and
• 21:27
  Speaker 3: it's like, unless you have exorbitant amounts of money somehow
• 21:31
  Speaker 3: to get around the system, this is just how it is.
• 21:35
  Speaker 3: It just it breaks my heart that you had to
• 21:37
  Speaker 3: wait that long, and I really share in that frustration.
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: I really do so to provide a little bit more context,
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: because I know we've touched on the fact you said
• 21:46
  Speaker 3: you ran the New York City Marathon. When did running
• 21:49
  Speaker 3: actually come to the picture for you?
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: When I started trucking?
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: Okay, I was.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: It's funny because now looking back, I had a depressive
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: episode before. I didn't I didn't like attest it to
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: that at the time. But in my transition out of
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: the military, I was still in nursing school and I
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: was just doing a lot, and I was go, go, go,
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: like always, and I started shutting down, Like I started
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: calling into work, barely making it to school on time,
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: just like laying in bed all day. And I started
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: packing on pounds and I just got like to this
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: really like heavy, like not physically heavy, but like you know,
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: like mentally heavy place where just like moving your body
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: feels like and the hardest thing. Oh my gosh, yeah,
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: I just like kind of I started like financially dipping
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: because I was calling out of work all the time.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: So in my head, after I finished my nursing school,
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: I went and took my finals whatever, and I used
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: to drive by this trucking school at the time and
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: I just stopped in there and I was like, I want
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: my cdo and I did that.
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: And I started CDL. Yeah, what's it?
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: What's the stand for commercials Driver's license?
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: Got it?
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: Sorry, No, it's fine.
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: The hurdlers want to know.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: I love that you asked me that. Yeah. So when
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: I started driving, I remember getting my physical done because
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: you have to get a doo t physical like to
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: prove that you're healthy to be on the road. And
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: I was almost three hundred pounds and yes I'm six feet,
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: but like for me, that was a lot, and I like,
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: I think it was like a slap in the face, like, oh,
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: you've just like let yourself go, you know. So I
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: started driving and I just started being really conscious about
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: like what I was eating, and that's kind of how
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: I started like my healthy journey, like just nutritious foods.
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: And I got a croc plot was making all these
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: like Chucker meals, and I just noticed that I was
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: doing it like the unhealthy way, because I was doing
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: like the Keto thing, and I was like, this is
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: not sustainable. And I was like, the only thing that
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: I can do on the run that I can guarantee
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: I can do is run, like I can park somewhere
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: and run down the road, even if I have the
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: run laps around my truck. That's a way to get
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: my body moving. Because I couldn't guarantee I could get
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: to a gym. I couldn't guarantee I could have a shower.
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: I couldn't guarantee anything. So in doing that, I just
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: bought a pair of running shoes and then I signed
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: up for a five k like months down the road,
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: and I just started running.
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: Just started running. Yeah, how did running feel for you
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: at first?
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: Horrible? Yeah? I hated it. It was absolutely horrible. I
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: could barely run like thirty seconds, huffing and puffing. Everything hurts.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: This sucks. All the negative thoughts like how dare you
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: try and be out here? You look too slow to
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: be running on the road. People are probably like what
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: are you doing?
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: All?
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: You know, just spiraling?
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: What kept you going?
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: The goal of just being healthy. I just wanted to feel.
• 24:27
  Speaker 3: Healthy, And did you have any benchmarks around that at first,
• 24:30
  Speaker 3: about small things that you wanted to achieve to get
• 24:35
  Speaker 3: to that ultimate goal of feeling healthier.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: I feel like I started maybe with running. I think
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: running helped me set goals, and when you can accomplish it,
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: it makes you feel better. Run a minute without stopping,
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: run a mile without stopping. I was doing intervals, and
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: it was just like cool just to see, oh, I
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: can run two miles without stopping, and like, oh, I
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: ran up this hill. And then I started like putting
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: it towards my life, like the way I thought. I
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: started listening to podcasts that were like really about like
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: how you view the world and how you view yourself
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: in your space and like being grateful and just trying
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: to like practice that in my life. And I think
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: it really made a difference. And it made me mentally healthy,
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: even though I didn't appreciate it at the time because
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: I didn't know. But physically healthy is what I saw
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: because my body was responding to this positivity in my depression,
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: I gain weight because my body I could be eating healthy,
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: I could be running, I can do all the things
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: and my body is like, Nope, you're stressed. You're hanging on.
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: To everything, right, No, that totally makes sense.
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: I mean, your metabolism can be depressed, just like you
• 25:39
  Speaker 3: can be depressed, right, And so it all kind of
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: coexists together. And when you, the research shows, start to
• 25:48
  Speaker 3: take care of yourself and move your body, you're more
• 25:51
  Speaker 3: likely to be proactive in whatever else your goals may be.
• 25:54
  Speaker 3: And so it's totally understandable that there was a correlation
• 25:58
  Speaker 3: between putting on weight and how you were feeling mentally.
• 26:02
  Speaker 3: You kept at running because you were able to see
• 26:05
  Speaker 3: the bigger goal. It's interesting to me, but what we
• 26:09
  Speaker 3: see here is that by not fixing those underlying issues,
• 26:12
  Speaker 3: no matter, you were running and you were getting better
• 26:16
  Speaker 3: and I'm using like air quotes, but we still needed
• 26:19
  Speaker 3: to put in the work.
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: It's funny, like you were running, so like, yes, this
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: is depressive. Episode happened in December, so very close to yours.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: And I stopped running for like six months, and I
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: had Chicago Marathon coming up this past fall, and I
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: hired a running coach and I was back at Square Run,
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: like running like sixteen minute miles and like I'm still
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: in this very dark head space, like you're not worth anything?
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: How dare you get out here and even try? Like
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: so everything in my head is negative. So even though
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: I'm running and I know this is something I love,
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: I know it somewhere deep down inside me, I know it,
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: it feels like the worst thing ever and it's all
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: coming from my mind. So I like, as I've gotten
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: better throughout the year, and like now I feel like
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: I'm running and I am enjoying it, like my mind
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: is telling me I'm enjoying it, like I'm able to
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: just sit in and be okay instead of like filling
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: it with like negative thoughts and just spiraling and then
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: the run is horrible because you're mentally horrible. Yeah.
• 27:25
  Speaker 3: I remember when I went to finally see a doctor,
• 27:29
  Speaker 3: she said something that I hadn't realized, which was that
• 27:33
  Speaker 3: I may have noticed that things that typically bring me
• 27:36
  Speaker 3: joy don't feel the same. And for me at the time,
• 27:40
  Speaker 3: when I wasn't injured, I would be running and it
• 27:44
  Speaker 3: would just be something that I checked off the list
• 27:46
  Speaker 3: for the day, right, Like I just knew that, Like
• 27:48
  Speaker 3: I'm a runner, I like to run, so I'm going
• 27:49
  Speaker 3: to check this thing off. And what ultimately I was doing,
• 27:54
  Speaker 3: was I would just be thinking about all this stuff
• 27:56
  Speaker 3: that didn't serve me as opposed to how grateful I
• 28:00
  Speaker 3: am to move my body and the wind blowing my
• 28:03
  Speaker 3: little butt around, and you know, the great playlist or
• 28:07
  Speaker 3: podcast that I'm listening to. You like, all of that
• 28:09
  Speaker 3: was lost on me because I was just doing this
• 28:10
  Speaker 3: thing because I felt like I was supposed to be
• 28:12
  Speaker 3: doing it, and so that truly resonates with me as well.
• 28:16
  Speaker 3: Your experience now, I think that I would be remiss
• 28:20
  Speaker 3: if I didn't ask you if there has been in
• 28:22
  Speaker 3: the last year, maybe a moment or two that distinctively
• 28:26
  Speaker 3: felt different that you noticed you were kind of coming
• 28:28
  Speaker 3: out of it.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: Man. There was like one run I did with my friend.
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: It was just a four mile run and it started
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: raining on us and it was like one of those
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: hard days, like getting out off the couch was hard,
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: and like I had to link up with friends to
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: even get my training runs in because then I felt obligated,
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: you know, yeah, and she we like did it and
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: it felt good. That was like the first time, like
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: I didn't feel like the whole run I'm having negative thoughts.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: It just felt like light and airy, like my brain
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: wasn't going like into this negative spiral. And when we finished,
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: I was like, man, I love this loop right like,
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: and I blamed it on the loop that we had done.
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: I have since done the loop. The loop is not
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: that great, like you know what I mean. It's actually
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: very helly. But it was just like my mindset that
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: day had like a level of like clarity, like something
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: like opened up, like oh you like this.
• 29:31
  Speaker 3: Taking a break from today's episode to give some love
• 29:33
  Speaker 3: to my sponsor at Gooder. Gooder makes my favorite sunglasses
• 29:38
  Speaker 3: hard Stop. They are no scratch, they are polarized, they
• 29:42
  Speaker 3: are no balance, and they're perfect for gosh, going on
• 29:46
  Speaker 3: a long run on Saturdays. And now this is part
• 29:49
  Speaker 3: of my vocabulary as I'm finally getting into longer distances again.
• 29:55
  Speaker 3: Knocks on wood, please just recover me. Let's keep going here.
• 29:58
  Speaker 3: And also they are great for everything else, running errands, travel, gifting. Seriously,
• 30:04
  Speaker 3: if you need a Father's Day gift, I have got
• 30:06
  Speaker 3: you covered.
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: This is it.
• 30:08
  Speaker 3: And there are so many different shapes and styles for
• 30:10
  Speaker 3: every single taste. Now, of course, Gooder wants to hook
• 30:14
  Speaker 3: you up, and I am here to facilitate that. Head
• 30:17
  Speaker 3: on over to Gooder dot com that's goodr dot com
• 30:22
  Speaker 3: and use the code Hurdle at checkout to get free
• 30:25
  Speaker 3: shipping today. Again, that is Gooder dot com. Use the
• 30:28
  Speaker 3: code Hurdle at checkout to get free shipping on your
• 30:32
  Speaker 3: style today. Also got to give some love to ag
• 30:37
  Speaker 3: one from Athleticgreens. My go to greenspowder was seventy five
• 30:41
  Speaker 3: whole food sourced ingredients as well as prebiotics, probiotics, adaptagens, superfoods, legit.
• 30:47
  Speaker 3: It is my all in one nutritional solution to give
• 30:51
  Speaker 3: my body exactly what it needs so that I can
• 30:53
  Speaker 3: feel better on the regular.
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: Listen.
• 30:56
  Speaker 3: I used to haphazardly just take whatever gummy vitamins were
• 30:59
  Speaker 3: on sale at the store, and now I know better.
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: So that is where ag one from Athletic Greens comes in.
• 31:06
  Speaker 3: Trust me, you will not regret investing in your overall
• 31:09
  Speaker 3: health and well being. Plus I swear this has been
• 31:12
  Speaker 3: part of my immunity secret for years. Now get in
• 31:16
  Speaker 3: on the AG one gang by heading on over to
• 31:19
  Speaker 3: Athleticgreens dot com, slash hurdle and get five free travel
• 31:23
  Speaker 3: packs as well as a year's supply of Vitamin D
• 31:26
  Speaker 3: with your purchase today. Again, that is Athleticgreens dot Com
• 31:29
  Speaker 3: slash hurdle to get freebies with your purchase today. Let's
• 31:33
  Speaker 3: get back to it. Since you had said that you
• 31:43
  Speaker 3: weren't going to be able to gain access to that
• 31:45
  Speaker 3: program until March, So were you able to go through
• 31:48
  Speaker 3: that two weeks of programming?
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah? I ended up going that someone had dropped out
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: in the end of February, so I ended up going
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: like a session earlier. Okay, that's great and amand did
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: I need that?
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: What were your takeaways from that?
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: Ex I wasn't alone, So that was the thing. This
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: whole time, I'm like in bed, I can't go to
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: the grocerytore, I can't do anything. I'm door dashing in
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: saccarding like I'm not telling people that I'm not move
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: you know, yeah, being very hush hush about it. And
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: when I did talk to people, they would say things
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: like me so well, meaning Hima, you love going outside.
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: Just go for a hike, just go for a run,
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: and it means so well. But they don't understand that
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: I can't move my body right now. And even if
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: I did said thing, I'm not going to feel better.
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: This isn't like a sad day you know, it's deeper
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: than that, and so I couldn't explain it to anyone.
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: No one in my immediate life had gone through something
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: I was going through to this extent, I would get
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: frustrated opening up. And then when I went to this program,
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: there was twelve people in that room going through exactly
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: what I was going through. When I We're still in
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: a group chat. We still always text each other people
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: I would never run across. I mean, they're all around
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: the country, and I needed that more than anything, just
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: that camaraderie. Like obviously, yes, the therapy was great. My
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: therapist there to this day was still the best therapist
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: I've ever had. I have not done a therapist yet
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: on that level, unfortunately, but they have amazing doctors there.
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: The way they care for you, the way they look
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: out for you. At the time, I wasn't getting out
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: of bed. The days there go from seven to five,
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: and I couldn't imagine getting up at seven in the morning,
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: and people in my corehort would knock on my door
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: to make sure I was awake, like call my cell phone.
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: It was just the way everyone was just caring about
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: everybody is exactly what I need, and I needed to
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: not be in my apartment. Yeah, I lived on my couch,
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: lived on it, and it was so nice to be
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: able to get up every day, even though it was
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: forced and it took me hours to be grateful to
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: be awake. Definitely not a morning person, but it gave
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: me a routine that I definitely needed.
• 33:55
  Speaker 3: Yeah, even your energy shifts when you talked about that,
• 33:59
  Speaker 3: just like just the gratitude that is reflective in your voice,
• 34:03
  Speaker 3: and it's it's so stellar that there is a program
• 34:06
  Speaker 3: like that. I'm curious to know, like how widespread knowing
• 34:11
  Speaker 3: of that existence is, Like do individuals know about that
• 34:15
  Speaker 3: when they're coming back from combat?
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: No, huh yeah.
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: And it's they're they're trying to be like more like
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: loud about is this a national program. It's a national program,
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: but it's just not well known. It's here in Boston.
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: So like veterans in this area know about it. They
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: do like this big race every July, the run to
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: home Base. He gets run around, like run across the
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: home base played at Fenway, So a lot of people
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: like know about it in that aspect, but like veterans,
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: even the ones I served with, Like I'm always posting
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: on the like, oh I didn't know about this, you know,
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, you need to know, you need to
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: know that you can get help.
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: Is there a proper name for it.
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: It's called the home based Program.
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: The home based Program.
• 34:53
  Speaker 3: Okay, I'll look for some links and i'll put those
• 34:54
  Speaker 3: in the show notes too.
• 34:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, of course.
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: No.
• 34:57
  Speaker 3: I mean again, I'm so happy that you were able
• 34:59
  Speaker 3: to go there, and clearly it's made such a profound
• 35:02
  Speaker 3: impact on you. You even said earlier, like I realized
• 35:06
  Speaker 3: that I was just doing all these things to avoid
• 35:10
  Speaker 3: dealing with my feelings, right, so you you know, stumble
• 35:14
  Speaker 3: into this truck driving school and you're like, this is
• 35:17
  Speaker 3: exactly what I'm gonna do at the time. Do you
• 35:19
  Speaker 3: reflecting on it now, do you think that you actually
• 35:22
  Speaker 3: wanted to do that or it was just another distraction.
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: I think I was in a skate yeah, like being
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: on the road for months at a time, not dealing
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: with anyone. Talk about isolating, yeah, right, and being and
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: I was fine with it.
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: Everyone's like, you don't get lonely? No, I love this.
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: How bad is that? Do you know what I mean?
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: Like I disconnected from people, like physically, right, I didn't
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: have to like be around. I didn't have to show face.
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: I could just like go on the road.
• 35:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah, talk to us a little bit about that. Tell
• 35:52
  Speaker 3: me a little bit about what it was like when
• 35:54
  Speaker 3: you first started driving and what kind of schedule you maintained.
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: When I first started driving, I started out of Wisconsin
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: in like November, mind you, at was stationed in Mississippi
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: for the last like seven years.
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: Very cold, very cold, your face.
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: Light, like negative seventeen wind chill because you're right on
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: the lake, you know. And I had no winter clothes
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: anymore because now I've been stationed there for whatever. I
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: like went to Walmart, I was wearing like three pairs
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: of pants, like buying every jacket possible. But my schedule
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: ended up being like being on the road for like
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: a month or two and then coming home for a
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: week or two. And I would just go on the
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: road until like a friend had a wedding, so I'd
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: have to be in town for that or whatever. And
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: it was cool because I was able to do that
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: cross country, so I was able to see people all
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: over the country and just like do events here and there, whatever,
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: reven and biplanes. I'd just be like, hey, I need
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: to be in this town this weekend, and they'd make it.
• 36:47
  Speaker 3: Happen, right, So you would just drive that route, and
• 36:49
  Speaker 3: were you driving for one company specifically?
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, this company at a Wisconsin called.
• 36:53
  Speaker 3: Real Okay, Yeah, how would it work? Then you would
• 36:56
  Speaker 3: drive during the day and then sleep at night.
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah. So in the trucking world, we work. We're allowed
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: to work a fourteen hour day and then you get
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: a ten hour break and then you do it again. Okay,
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: So you can only do that up to seventy hours,
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: which usually run out on the fifth or sixth day,
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: and then you have to do a thirty four hour
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: reset so you can get all your hours back.
• 37:15
  Speaker 3: Interesting, So when you were driving and you'd be in
• 37:19
  Speaker 3: different locations, how would that play out?
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: So I would it would be my reset, Okay, So
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: I would like work that full week and like drain
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: my hours and then I'd be able to like hang
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: out for It'd always be more than thirty four hours,
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: but it was nice to get back to the truck
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: and have like a fresh week of hours.
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: Okay. Cool.
• 37:35
  Speaker 3: And so despite as we've kind of already laid the
• 37:38
  Speaker 3: foundation for using this as a way to avoid dealing
• 37:41
  Speaker 3: with your feelings, how did you feel about trucking?
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: I loved it. You did, Oh my gosh.
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you like driving. What would you do in the truck?
• 37:48
  Speaker 2: Would you listen to music? When you podcast?
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: Podcasts? Yeah? Books, Oh my gosh. So my first year.
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: I know this is so corny, but you remember those
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: chicken for those soup Chicken.
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: Chicken super the teenage soul Chicken soup.
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: Yes, thank you for helping you.
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: You're welcome, Okay.
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: They had like these CD like audio books. Yeah, and
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: I would put those in and I would just like
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: listen to them and like cry and like laugh and yeah,
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: I just got so sucked into it. And that was
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: like a vibe for me. I found like everyone possible,
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: oh my god, and like listen to them because at
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: the time it was twenty fourteen, but like podcasts on
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: your phone weren't as easy, like Spotify didn't have them. Yeah. Yeah,
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: I had to use like cast box or some weird
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: app for podcasts, and there were so many ads, so
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: it was just nice to have like the CD version
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: of things. But yeah, wow, that's so random.
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: No, it is super random. I don't think I've heard
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: anything about the soup for the Soul books since, like
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: at least two thousand and four. Yeah, you're bringing it back.
• 38:46
  Speaker 3: Okay, so you started driving, and then when you said
• 38:50
  Speaker 3: that was twenty fourteen. So when did you actually find running?
• 38:53
  Speaker 3: Give me a timeline.
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: I think my first race was in that spring. Okay, Yeah,
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: my first five k was no that hmm.
• 39:04
  Speaker 2: Right, because you said that when you went in for
• 39:06
  Speaker 2: your physical, that's when you were confronted with just exactly
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: what was going on in your body.
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: Okay, November of twenty thirteen technically, yeah. And then yep,
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: that next spring, I think it was April something, I
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: did a five k Mississippi.
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: Do you remember how it felt finishing the five k?
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: So good? Yeah? Yeah, I felt so good, like I
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: could like climb mountains like I felt on top of
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: the world because I had never done that before. I've
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: just never like had a goal and then reached it
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: and then felt like that feeling. You know.
• 39:40
  Speaker 3: Interesting, it's I hear you say that, but I also
• 39:44
  Speaker 3: recognized that like you deployed with the Navy, Yeah, very different.
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that doesn't feel like an accomplishment. Yeah, it's your job. Yeah,
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: so like there's no like, yay, I did this hard
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: thing and got this for myself. I did this hard
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: thing for the government. Yeah, you know, that's a hard
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: thing for everyone else but me, Like, you know, so
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: it doesn't feel very personal.
• 40:08
  Speaker 3: So that was an opportunity through running to prioritize yourself.
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: That's special. Yeah, that's really special.
• 40:14
  Speaker 3: And so with that feeling of I could climb everest,
• 40:17
  Speaker 3: I could do anything, did you turn that power into
• 40:22
  Speaker 3: anything else?
• 40:22
  Speaker 2: Were you inspired to do anything differently?
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: Keep running? Yeah, sign up for another race and then
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: I sign up for a ten k in DC with
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: my friends that were stationed there. It was like a
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: way to see friends too. Yeah, so I sign up
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: for a ten k. They ran with me, and that
• 40:37
  Speaker 1: felt like the hardest thing ever. And it's so funny now,
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: you know, like running marathons, but that ten k felt
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: I remember getting around like mile five and just feeling
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: my body started to really hurt, and I'm like, how
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: am I supposed to get like through this last mile?
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: And I remember also after that feeling so accomplished. I
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: was like, I can't believe I did that.
• 40:57
  Speaker 2: You know how special?
• 40:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so you start to like kind of reclaim your
• 41:02
  Speaker 3: sense of self. It sounds like through running. But again,
• 41:06
  Speaker 3: as we've addressed like that can only get you so far.
• 41:09
  Speaker 3: Were there any other hobbies or things that you would
• 41:12
  Speaker 3: do while you're on the road to keep you occupied
• 41:14
  Speaker 3: it and kind of mix things up?
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah? Really, I mean I did this, like you know
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: the insanity videos. Yeah, I would do that if I
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: couldn't run, I just put the video on my phone
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: and then just do the workout like behind my trailer.
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: But really, no, I journal.
• 41:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, talk to me about journaling.
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: I'm a big journal er. What are you writing about everything?
• 41:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So I used to journal as a kid. I
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: love going back and like reading my old diaries. And
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: I think it was a way because I grew up
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: in such a like a like a tough household. It
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: was a way for me to like be happy and
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: I would I would never write the bad things in there.
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: It was always like a happy thing, right, So it's
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: almost like a gratitude journal. I didn't know it at
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: the time, but that's probably what I was doing. And
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: as I got old or I just like love being
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: able to just like write about how I'm feeling or
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: what made me happy today, or what was like this
• 42:06
  Speaker 1: crazy thing that happened yeah, or like what I hope
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: for my future goals and at the time, like running,
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: I just like kind of scot sucked in, Like I
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: want to run a half marathon. I want to run
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: this many miles a week, like and make it happen
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: no matter how crazy my schedule gets.
• 42:22
  Speaker 2: And yeah, so journaling was it?
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 42:25
  Speaker 3: Yeah, these days do you find yourself writing about all
• 42:29
  Speaker 3: of it and not just the highlights all of it?
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, the darkness and everything which was forced upon me,
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: which is so like, tell me about that. So after
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: home base they set you up. They make sure you're
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: set up with therapists. Right after great right, I ended
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: up in an IOP program which was nine to twelve
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: every day.
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: What's IOP stand.
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: For Intensive outpatient program?
• 42:51
  Speaker 2: Got it?
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: And you're with people dealing with depression anxiety and to
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: keep that routine going, like you have to be up,
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: you have to do this thing for three hours. And
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: they they'd always start off with like the meditation stuff
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: and like in depression, I love meditating. I love journaling.
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: All that means nothing like get it away from me,
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: Like this is so annoying. Why are you putting on
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: five minutes meditative music? Like all I'm thinking about is
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: negative stuff?
• 43:16
  Speaker 2: Like you don't want to get it to your thoughts, yes,
• 43:18
  Speaker 2: ma'am right.
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Like like I was so annoyed, and then they'd
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: always be like, here's a prompt and write about it.
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: And there was always some like dark, like deep question
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: like you had to dig for and answer and then
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: you and I remember the first day I like wrote it.
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: This is a tough part too. When I got out
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: of the home Base program, I've lost a lot of
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: friends to suicide. I've lost like one more than one
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: of my best friends, but one of the people I
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: starved with, he was like my best best friend and
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: he ended up taking his life and that kind of
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: rocked me in like twenty twenty. And then when I
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: got out of the home Base program, I graduated on
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: a Friday, and on Saturday, I got a call that
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: one of my their best friends took their life. So
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: I was a mass going into this iop I was
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: not okay, right. It almost felt like everything I just
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: like gained in the home Based program was washed away
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: because I was just like grieving. So I remember like
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: doing this prompt and then I didn't know how it went.
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: But then they want you to share it, So I
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: just wrote this really deep stuff on my paper and
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: now you want to share it to a bunch of
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: strangers I don't know, and like they go around everyone
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: so I can feel comfortable, you know, because I'm hearing
• 44:30
  Speaker 1: everyone's story, so I guess, and that should make you
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: comfortable to share yours. And by the time it gets
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: to me, I'm just like sobbing because none of these
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: people know what like I'm going through and I'm trying
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: to like say the words and I can't get them out.
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: And I just felt like like that was torture, Like
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: you just made me write this and then now you
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: want me to share it. But that ended up being
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: probably the most healing part of that IOP because I
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: was able to speak these things that I was writing down,
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: you know, and by the end it felt like I
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: was comfortable talking to these people about the dark thoughts
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: I'm having in my head today or last night, how
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: you know. So it was like really.
• 45:10
  Speaker 2: Nice, Yeah, I'm so sorry to hear that.
• 45:13
  Speaker 3: What does these days your regular self care mental health
• 45:16
  Speaker 3: practices look like.
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: So I'm still not a morning person, but I like
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: to wake up without my phone. I'm like I try
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: to do that anyways, but I like to wake up
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: and just like streut and like just think and I
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: know that sounds weird, but I'll just like lay there
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: and just be like today is going to be a
• 45:36
  Speaker 1: good day, like you know, like almost like speaking it
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: into existence. And I just have to be positive in them, right,
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: no matter how I'm feeling, like everything works out in
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: your favor. Yeah, Like you know, it's beautiful, you're breathing,
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: you're healthy, you're not in pain. Whatever I have to
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: say to like almost like pump myself up, like today
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: is going to be good, no matter what happens, today
• 45:56
  Speaker 1: is going to be good. And then I get out
• 45:58
  Speaker 1: of bed. Yeah, but I have to have that moment
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: because if I don't do that, like if I feel
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: rush and I just get up and go, like I
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: feel like it's easier for me to get negative.
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, that's totally understandable.
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 46:12
  Speaker 2: And then what does work look like for you these days?
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: Oh? Well, I just changed my schedule, thank god, but
• 46:17
  Speaker 1: I was working five days on the road, two days
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: home and that was killing me because I was just
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: like it's long days. I'm still not I'm not one
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: hundred percent. You know, I feel way better, but I'm
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: I I feel like sometimes like I still have moments, right,
• 46:33
  Speaker 1: like dips, but like now I can catch them and
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: I know how to get out of them. And so
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: with work, that workload was just too much. And like
• 46:41
  Speaker 1: I'm okay with saying that now, like I don't have
• 46:43
  Speaker 1: to work my butt off, like I can take care
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: of myself first. That's another lesson I learned this year.
• 46:48
  Speaker 1: It's okay to put yourself first. And so now I'm
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: working a schedule where I work the five days on
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: the road and I'm home for five days, which is huge. Yeah,
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: so it's like I have to decompress. Like last week
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: was my first five days off. I was in bed
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: the first two days because, like I said, I still
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: have my moments. But then the next three I was
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: able to be productive. And when I got back to work,
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: I felt light. I didn't feel like, oh, yeah, I
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: have to be at work. Yeah.
• 47:14
  Speaker 3: And you said that you know how to help yourself
• 47:17
  Speaker 3: get out of these moments.
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: Now, what does that consist of.
• 47:20
  Speaker 1: I think there's a mindset of knowing it's temporary. When
• 47:24
  Speaker 1: I was in the dark place, you couldn't tell me
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: I would have cussed you out. I was mad. How
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: dare you say that there's no light here? I'm not
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: even saying a therapist yet, I have no help yet.
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: Whereas when does it get better? You know, months down
• 47:40
  Speaker 1: the road, even after therapy, When does it get better?
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: You know? So I think now I know it gets better? Yeah?
• 47:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 47:47
  Speaker 3: And is that what you would say to someone else
• 47:49
  Speaker 3: that feels as though they're also struggling?
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, like I get it. I know, I know
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: how hard it feels, but I need you to know
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: it gets better.
• 47:59
  Speaker 3: You have a much more accommodating schedule. Now, what other
• 48:02
  Speaker 3: things are you looking forward to doing when you have
• 48:04
  Speaker 3: your time off.
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: I'm huge into hiking. So I live in New Hampshire,
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: so I go up to the White mount Mountains a
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: lot and I love hiking, so I can't wait to
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: get back into that now that it's like the weather's changing. Yes, yes,
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: very excited. I ski so that's what I did during
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: the winter. I just love being outdoors, honestly, get me
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: right water, get me in the woods. I'm happy for you.
• 48:24
  Speaker 3: Obviously, running has also opened up a different community. Right now,
• 48:29
  Speaker 3: you have so many people in your network that you
• 48:33
  Speaker 3: didn't have previously.
• 48:34
  Speaker 2: How has that helped you?
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: I love the running community, and I was scared of
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: it at first, Like I feel like I'm like an anomaly,
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: Like not many people look like me. Like I'm a tall, thick,
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: dark skinned woman, right, and you go to a race
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: and I'm probably the only tall, dark skinned, thick woman, right,
• 48:58
  Speaker 1: Like I'm probably the only one. And I'm like and
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: that used to make me feel so uncomfortable, right, and
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: because I'm like, oh, I don't belong in this space.
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: You're lining up for a race, everyone looks a certain way, right,
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: and you're like the anomaly. But I realized that people
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: don't care. They will cheer you on, they don't care
• 49:20
  Speaker 1: what you look like. And I don't know the way.
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: The runn community has had my back, especially this last year.
• 49:26
  Speaker 1: When I say I posted in this group, it's like
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: she runs this town. And I was like, hey, everyone,
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: I'm dealing with depressive episode. I'm missing a bunch of
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: my training runs. I have to run Chicago. Like, are
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: you guys willing to meet me for runs? When I
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: tell you I didn't want to run one run alone
• 49:42
  Speaker 1: training for Chicago? That is amazing. Yeah, that is amazing
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: that people came out for me. Yeah, people I didn't
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: even know.
• 49:50
  Speaker 3: And also everything that you were saying about like feeling
• 49:53
  Speaker 3: othered by showing up and being the only person that
• 49:56
  Speaker 3: looks like you, Yeah, that's understandable as well. And I
• 49:59
  Speaker 3: think that it's so special this opportunity that we have
• 50:02
  Speaker 3: within marathoning that you show up and regardless of what
• 50:06
  Speaker 3: you look like, everyone is there just cheering on absolutely everyone.
• 50:11
  Speaker 3: It's the most invigorating feeling.
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: It's amazing.
• 50:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I do.
• 50:17
  Speaker 3: It's not lost on me that there still are like
• 50:19
  Speaker 3: certain issues with access.
• 50:20
  Speaker 1: Oh of course. Yeah. We as humans and as a society,
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: we should always want to grow and be better. Yeah, right, yeah,
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: And I think just when they running community and like
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: with race organizers, like there's still room to grow. Not
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: everything's perfect right now.
• 50:36
  Speaker 2: No, it's not.
• 50:36
  Speaker 3: And I know, like even especially like this race running
• 50:39
  Speaker 3: through like so many predominantly white neighbor all of them
• 50:41
  Speaker 3: are predominantly white neighborhoods.
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: Joys the living in New England.
• 50:45
  Speaker 2: Yes, literally, do you know someone that lives in New Hampshire?
• 50:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah, Like, it's it's certainly not lost on me that
• 50:51
  Speaker 3: there is so far to go, right, but we have
• 50:54
  Speaker 3: made strides and there's it's really exciting to be able
• 50:57
  Speaker 3: to be a part of what and snacks.
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, yes, do you feel that way too. I
• 51:03
  Speaker 1: actually feel like people are finally being heard and speaking.
• 51:08
  Speaker 1: I feel like growing up. I also grew up in
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: like New York, so I was around diversity for a while,
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: and then we moved to New Hampshire. When I was
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: like getting into middle school, that was a shock. I
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: was like, clearly right, and there's like what one percent
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: Black people in New Hampshire are very small and I
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: could not speak up. There was no safe space for
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: me to be me. I literally was like, hey, I
• 51:33
  Speaker 1: have to blend in. I'm straightening, relaxing your hair. We're
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: wearing you know what I mean, losing your accent like
• 51:40
  Speaker 1: my family's African, like speak proper, Like you need to
• 51:44
  Speaker 1: like literally fit in. And that's exactly what I did.
• 51:47
  Speaker 1: Like it was almost like survival, right, And then as
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: I got older, it's like, no, you're gonna embrace you,
• 51:54
  Speaker 1: you know, wear your hair however you want, no matter
• 51:56
  Speaker 1: who it Bothers like, talk however you want, you know
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: what I mean, act whoever you want, want be you, Like,
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: you don't need to fit in, and I think as
• 52:05
  Speaker 1: a like community, people are okay with speaking up against
• 52:08
  Speaker 1: things that are not right. Right, and people are like, oh,
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: I didn't even know that was a problem because we
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: were just harboring it. We would talk about it within
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: ourselves with people like our best friends are close friends,
• 52:21
  Speaker 1: but we weren't speaking out to the world to be
• 52:24
  Speaker 1: like this is what life looks like for me today, yeah,
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: or every day? Yeah?
• 52:27
  Speaker 3: Right? How do you feel being someone as you do
• 52:32
  Speaker 3: like speak up more? And you know, as I mentioned,
• 52:35
  Speaker 3: you work with UFOs, so you've been featured on their platforms.
• 52:38
  Speaker 3: How does it feel for you to be I feel
• 52:41
  Speaker 3: like trailblazer is a big word, but someone that is
• 52:44
  Speaker 3: at the forefront and other women are seeing you speak
• 52:47
  Speaker 3: out and they may feel compelled to do the same.
• 52:51
  Speaker 1: I feel like this is all still very new, right.
• 52:53
  Speaker 1: I just got with UPHOS like a year ago. A
• 52:55
  Speaker 1: year ago when I was in my darkest place, so
• 52:57
  Speaker 1: imposter syndrome, right, I was still having like negative thoughts
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: like why why are you taking pictures? I mean, why
• 53:02
  Speaker 1: do you think I'm worthy of being on this billboard
• 53:05
  Speaker 1: or whatever? I've gained so much weight right in my
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: depression I'm so sick right now and you're blowing me
• 53:10
  Speaker 1: up for the world to see. And I was when
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: I tell you, like, obviously, it was so great to
• 53:15
  Speaker 1: be like on a storefront window on boil Sin the
• 53:17
  Speaker 1: Street last year during the marathon. I was honored, but
• 53:20
  Speaker 1: like I hated that picture.
• 53:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 53:22
  Speaker 1: And the day that I was leaving, this woman walked
• 53:25
  Speaker 1: up and she goes, I just started running. My husband
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: runs a bunch of marathon he ran Boston yesterday. And
• 53:30
  Speaker 1: she's like, this is the first time I saw someone
• 53:33
  Speaker 1: that had thighs like me. And I literally just like
• 53:37
  Speaker 1: cried because I didn't realize that it, like it could
• 53:41
  Speaker 1: affect anyone. Because she literally like walks in the store.
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: She goes, is that you like on the front of
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: the door, And I was like yeah, and she just
• 53:47
  Speaker 1: like to be like, oh, I ran by here, yesterda
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: and I was hoping that you would be in here,
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: Like how sweet.
• 53:52
  Speaker 2: That's so sweet?
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I was like, oh, this is like this
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: is a positive thing. There's like a through line here
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: that we keep coming back to, which is the importance
• 54:01
  Speaker 1: of knowing that, however, it is that you feel you
• 54:04
  Speaker 1: are not alone in that right. Yes, so whether it
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: is dealing with issues with your mental health or feeling
• 54:12
  Speaker 1: insecure in your body, or god knows what I mean
• 54:16
  Speaker 1: a zillion things that we all complain about every single day. Right,
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: your feelings are valid, They're so valid, and you are
• 54:24
  Speaker 1: not the only person who has to navigate them. Right.
• 54:27
  Speaker 3: So there's freedom in speaking up, and it might not
• 54:30
  Speaker 3: always be easy, and more often than not it's not.
• 54:33
  Speaker 3: But when you do, that is how you find your
• 54:37
  Speaker 3: own freedom. That is how you feel lighter you do.
• 54:42
  Speaker 1: I remember, obviously before this year, I you would not
• 54:46
  Speaker 1: know any things wrong with me. M h to my friends,
• 54:49
  Speaker 1: I always have it together. I'm the one everyone calls
• 54:51
  Speaker 1: for problems. I'm the one that helps everybody, but no
• 54:53
  Speaker 1: one needs to help me. I always got it together right,
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: And this last year was I need to help? People
• 54:57
  Speaker 1: need to come over and help me clean the house? Yeah,
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: I couldn't do dishes. Friends with you know, to be
• 55:03
  Speaker 1: able to send a text like that, talk about being humbling,
• 55:06
  Speaker 1: be like I haven't been able to do my dishes
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: in two weeks? Can you please come over and help me?
• 55:09
  Speaker 3: How impressive it is for you to do that, for
• 55:16
  Speaker 3: you to say I need help and get to that place.
• 55:20
  Speaker 2: Shit's hard.
• 55:23
  Speaker 1: You don't realize it, but then you think I'm not
• 55:26
  Speaker 1: gonna cry, Like, oh gosh, I feel the eyes because
• 55:28
  Speaker 1: it's like my whole life giving of myself. I think
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: I put worth there, like I am of value to
• 55:38
  Speaker 1: you because I'm helping you, But I never saw that
• 55:42
  Speaker 1: value in myself that I deserve that help too.
• 55:45
  Speaker 2: You do you do?
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 55:47
  Speaker 2: I get it.
• 55:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I totally I am right there with you. It's
• 55:52
  Speaker 3: so understandable to like feel that emotion, right Oh no,
• 55:57
  Speaker 3: I totally resonate with this. And as a self proclaimed giver,
• 56:03
  Speaker 3: I know that I can only keep giving if I
• 56:07
  Speaker 3: allow people to give to me.
• 56:08
  Speaker 2: That's it.
• 56:10
  Speaker 3: So right now, someone goes to your Instagram page and
• 56:13
  Speaker 3: they see a passionate woman who loves running, who loves
• 56:18
  Speaker 3: her job, a woman who has really dedicated herself to
• 56:22
  Speaker 3: the giving of others for others. When you look in
• 56:26
  Speaker 3: the mirror, what is it that you see looking back
• 56:29
  Speaker 3: at you?
• 56:31
  Speaker 1: I can honestly say I feel beautiful right now? Right, So, like,
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: I know this is so crazy, like and people are
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: like duh, like right, like everyone's like no, everyone's beautiful, right,
• 56:43
  Speaker 1: but like for me to like feel it like not
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: being in my best body or my best shape or whatever,
• 56:52
  Speaker 1: Like I can genuinely look at myself and just feel good. Yeah, right,
• 56:57
  Speaker 1: Like there's no judgment right now, and I I really
• 57:00
  Speaker 1: really like that. I feel like I don't need to
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: fit a mold to like look good to the outside world,
• 57:06
  Speaker 1: like I look good for me.
• 57:07
  Speaker 3: Oh my heart, Like I'm just like beaming for you,
• 57:11
  Speaker 3: because that is goals, right, that's goals for everyone, just
• 57:14
  Speaker 3: to literally look in the mirror and feel beautiful. Because
• 57:18
  Speaker 3: we can shut ourselves into positive self talk, affirmations, all
• 57:23
  Speaker 3: these things all day every day, but at the end
• 57:25
  Speaker 3: of the day, it's like truly about how you feel
• 57:27
  Speaker 3: and knowing that how you feel, I get off of
• 57:30
  Speaker 3: my soebox in a second, But how you feel it,
• 57:33
  Speaker 3: that's a you thing. No one else can should you
• 57:35
  Speaker 3: into how.
• 57:36
  Speaker 2: You feel exactly.
• 57:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 57:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, So to hear you say that out there, everything
• 57:40
  Speaker 3: that you have so generously shared, I'm so happy for
• 57:43
  Speaker 3: you that you feel that way. I think that's awesome.
• 57:46
  Speaker 3: That's truly awesome. I was gonna say, is there anything,
• 57:49
  Speaker 3: maybe even as of more recently, that you feel like
• 57:51
  Speaker 3: has helped you get to that place?
• 57:55
  Speaker 1: I'm moving my body right, so I know I'm healthy. Yeah,
• 58:00
  Speaker 1: I think that helps. My body is still capable of
• 58:03
  Speaker 1: hard things, you know, like the quote I keep saying,
• 58:06
  Speaker 1: like I let go, Like my body is what it
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: is right now for a reason. I went through something
• 58:12
  Speaker 1: very hard, right and it's okay that my body doesn't
• 58:15
  Speaker 1: look like it did before. If it's meant to get
• 58:18
  Speaker 1: back there, it will. But I'm not like, oh, I
• 58:20
  Speaker 1: need to go on this diet and like ye lose
• 58:22
  Speaker 1: weight or you know, get a flat belly. Like nope,
• 58:25
  Speaker 1: you know what I did. I just sized up on
• 58:28
  Speaker 1: my bikinis, like you know, and I'm still gonna wear
• 58:30
  Speaker 1: a bikini this summer, but like I bought bigger shorts.
• 58:33
  Speaker 1: I'm just gonna be comfortable and like the clothes that
• 58:36
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be wearing this summer, I'm not going
• 58:38
  Speaker 1: to try and squeeze into the jeans that I wore before.
• 58:40
  Speaker 2: Like not necessary, not necessary at all.
• 58:43
  Speaker 3: Oh, I'm so happy for you, and like this has
• 58:46
  Speaker 3: been such a such a journey for me personally, but
• 58:49
  Speaker 3: it's You've had such a beautiful journey and you know
• 58:52
  Speaker 3: you said it, going to that home based program and
• 58:56
  Speaker 3: learning that you weren't alone, and now you're sitting here
• 58:59
  Speaker 3: and sharing what you've been through. Someone else listening to
• 59:01
  Speaker 3: this also just also feels like they are not alone.
• 59:04
  Speaker 3: So I would encourage you to keep talking and to
• 59:08
  Speaker 3: keep opening up because I think it's really special and
• 59:10
  Speaker 3: it's such a great opportunity for us to do that
• 59:12
  Speaker 3: with each other. Right, yes, right now, you have an
• 59:15
  Speaker 3: opportunity to give yourself a piece of advice when you're
• 59:21
  Speaker 3: in the thick of it. You're in that moment where
• 59:24
  Speaker 3: you can't get out of bed and you're thinking that
• 59:26
  Speaker 3: you might need to take a leave of absence and
• 59:29
  Speaker 3: you're trying to make some changes for yourself. Knowing what
• 59:33
  Speaker 3: you know, now, what would you tell yourself during that
• 59:36
  Speaker 3: hurdle moment?
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: It's okay to put yourself first.
• 59:40
  Speaker 3: I am so happy that we did this. Thank you
• 59:42
  Speaker 3: so much for sharing, for opening up. How do the
• 59:46
  Speaker 3: hurdlers keep up with you? How do they follow along
• 59:48
  Speaker 3: with you? Give us all the details? Well, my Instagram
• 59:52
  Speaker 3: is Uma Hydera.
• 59:53
  Speaker 1: I'm very basic. All my socials are just my first
• 59:56
  Speaker 1: and last name because no one else has my first
• 59:58
  Speaker 1: and last name that I know, So yes, that's how
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 1: do you follow me?
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 3: Beautiful I'm over at Hurdle Podcast and at Emily a
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 3: Body another hurdle conquered. Catch you guys next time.