Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Attachment Styles in Relationships & Divorce - Part 2

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Attachment Styles in Relationships & Divorce - Part 2 · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurrentri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And this is part two of a little mini series that I'm doing on the podcast around attachment styles.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: So if you missed last week's episode, particularly if you don't know anything about attachment theory or attachment styles, I invite you to go back and listen to that before you jump into this particular episode.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: In this second part, I'm going to lead you through a little more in-depth into each of the attachment styles.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And starting with what feels like the golden ticket, right?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Secure attachment.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: So key characteristics or indicators of a secure attachment style according to attachment theory include a positive view of self and of others.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's a real key component of secure attachment.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: They positively, someone with a secure attachment style, I should say, positively views others and has a positive view of themselves.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Securely attached individuals have a balanced and realistic view of themselves and of others.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: They see themselves as worthy of love and believe in the worthiness of others to experience love.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: They believe in the goodwill of other people, including their partner.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: They feel confident in themselves and they trust other people.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: They believe that their needs will be met.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: They believe that they're worthy of having their needs met and that their partner is dependable.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: They can rely on their partner to meet their needs.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: They are comfortable expressing their feelings and needs as well as listening to and understanding their partner's perspective.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: They are effective communicators and they are willing to feel feelings, to feel intense feelings and to move through them.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Communication with a securely attached individual is open and honest and respectful, and they are able to manage their emotions effectively.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: They can emotionally regulate.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: They won't suppress their emotions, but nor will they become flooded terribly often, overwhelmed by them.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And they can also support a partner or another person that they're in a relationship with in regulating their emotions.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: So they're great at creating emotional safety for themselves and for others.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: They understand the balance between independence and interdependence.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Securely attached individuals are comfortable with both autonomy, being solo, flying solo, and intimacy in their relationships.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: They value independence but they also enjoy being close and connected with others, with their partner.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Securely attached individuals also approach conflict or deal with conflict constructively.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: They seek to resolve issues, seek resolution rather than resort to avoidance or aggression.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: They can navigate disagreements with empathy, they can bring compromise and they can move into and through conflict with mutual respect.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: They don't avoid conflict, don't actively seek it or create it, but they can confidently and effectively navigate it.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: They are consistent and reliable.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: They maintain consistent, reliable behavior in their relationships.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: They do what they say they will do.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: They are trustworthy, and this fosters a sense of stability and security for both them and their partners.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: They do what they say they will do, they show up consistently and they are comfortable with emotional intimacy within a relationship and can form close, supportive, intimate connections with other people.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: They don't fear closeness or push their partner away when they feel vulnerable.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: They are willing and comfortable with experiencing emotional intimacy and the vulnerability.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Individuals with secure attachment styles tend to be generally well-adjusted and emotionally stable humans.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: They enjoy and value healthy intimate partnerships, relationships and being in an intimate partnership, but they're also content alone and single.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: So a relationship for these people is a bonus, not an essential to their well-being or their happiness.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: They're good also at setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Setting maintaining healthy boundaries comes naturally and easily to them.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And as I said earlier, they're good communicators, they're willing to have the hard conversations to resolve conflict, they're open to communicating their emotions, they're open to hearing about their partner's needs, they're open to communicating their own needs, they do have a strong sense of self of who they are and how they move through the world, and they navigate their world confidently.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: They feel comfortable both relying on others and being relied upon in return.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: They enjoy that mutual mutuality of a shared connection.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: They do tend to be trusting of others, to believe in and trust others, and to trust in the good intentions of other people.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: So they navigate life with resilience, they also trust in their own ability to do hard things or just to move through life.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: They have a deep sense of self-trust.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: A big thing is that a securely attached individual can stay connected to their emotions, they can stay in the moment, they can stay with strong emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: In Gottman, we talk about being flooded.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: So they can stay in that space and experience strong emotions without becoming overwhelmed or flooded by them.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: They know how to self-soothe, they know how to emotionally regulate and can create emotional safety for themselves and for others.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: They can stay present in times of emotional triggering or activation and have the tools and the skills and the capacity to bring themselves back down.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: So that's secure attachment.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Let's move on to anxious attachment, which is also known as preoccupied, because these people are exactly that, preoccupied with the relationship.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Everything revolves around the relationship and their state of well-being, their sense of emotional safety, their happiness, their sense of peace is fully dependent on the state of their relationship.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: So the key characteristics of an anxious attachment style, when we when we think about it from an attachment theory perspective, is that they have a high opinion of others and a lower opinion of themselves.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas securely attached individuals have a positive view of others and a positive view of themselves, anxiously attached individuals tend to have a positive view of others and a less positive view of themselves.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: They have a strong fear of abandonment.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Individuals with an anxious attachment style will often fear being left, being abandoned or rejected by their partners.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: They will worry excessively about the stability of their relationship.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: They don't trust that their that their partner will continue to choose them.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that goes back to that positive view of other, but not such a positive view of self.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: They have a low sense of self-trust, self-worth, self-belief.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: They constantly and frequently seek reassurance from their partners to alleviate these fears and insecurities, the fear of abandonment.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they may constantly be seeking validation and approval to feel secure in the relationship, reassurance that their partner is not going anywhere, reassurance and that they are loved and tended and cared for.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: They develop an overdependence on a partner and a preoccupation with the relationship.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: They tend to rely really heavily, almost exclusively on their partner for emotional support and validation, and struggle with feelings of inadequacy and believing that they are good enough for that partner, or believing that they need a partner, they need a relationship, they need their partner to feel whole.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Even if this is not a conscious belief, this is how anxiously attached individuals or anxious attachment style plays out.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know, as I said earlier, their entire being depends on the health and the status of the relationship.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: They are preoccupied with the relationship and may obsessively think about their relationship, worry about their partner's feelings, their thoughts, their opinions, behaviors, actions.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is overanalyzed and they are constantly on alert.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: They're on alert for being left abandoned, and they may have difficulty focusing on other aspects of their lives due to this constant or obsessive preoccupation with the relationship and with the other person.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: They also have a real need to be in control, to know where their partner is, to know who they're with, what they're doing at all times.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: And this is not because they want to control the other person, they need this control to feel emotionally safe, to be reassured that they are not going to be abandoned, rejected, left.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: But it can also manifest in subtle ways and can tip over into behavior that's manipulative and a bit controlling.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's born of both a deep love for their partner and also the need to hold on tightly for fear of abandonment.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: So the anxiously attached person will manipulate situations so they can keep their nervous system regulated and their partner close by on call and invested in the relationship.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Anxiously attached individuals often also experience really intense emotions, particularly in response to anything they perceive as a threat to the relationship.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they might become easily upset or distressed by small conflicts or changes in their partner's behaviour.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: They are also quite prone to jealousy and comparisonitis.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um despite these fears, despite their fear of being abandoned or left, individuals with anxious attachment style really desire deep emotional connections and intimacy with their partners.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: They feel a deep longing for the connection, but also struggle with fears of rejection and abandonment.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so they tend to overanalyse everything.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: They overanalyse conversations or interactions, text messages, phone calls, words, behaviors, searching for anything that might indicate pending doom, pending rejection, anything that might indicate that their partner is going to abandon or leave them.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: And this can lead to misunderstandings and often unnecessarily, unnecessary conflicts in the relationship.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: The other person can feel not good enough, not enough, nothing is ever good enough or enough for this anxiously attached person.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: They need that constant, constant reassurance.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: And they may also have this fluctuating self-esteem, often basing their self-worth on their partner's actions, opinions, words, behaviors, and deep down might feel unworthy of love, likely feel unworthy of love.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: So constantly seeking that external validation.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: They also have difficulty with boundaries, establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships, often becoming over-enmeshed.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: And we, you know, you hear the word, the term um codependent.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Anxiously attached individuals are primed to become codependent or dependent on their partners.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: They have difficulty with trust, um, they may struggle to trust their partners fully because they're always anticipating or primed for abandonment, betrayal.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: And this, as I said earlier, can lead to jealousy, possessiveness, and insecurity in within the relationship.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: They don't trust in the relationship.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: So anxious attachment is characterized by that high need for love, connection, and intimacy in order to feel safe and emotionally secure.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: That and they have that tendency to be hyper-focused on the relationship and on the other person with this overarching fear that they're going to be abandoned.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: So they will do anything to hold on to the relationship because abandonment is the worst for these people.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Anxiously attached individuals struggle with obviously anxiety, uncertainty, and are prone to overthinking, worrying, overanalyzing, even the most minor things and to catastrophizing.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Everything can be a big deal because everything is a potential threat to the relationship, and anxiously attached individuals struggle with that potential threat.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: They do not want to know about your ex.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: As I said earlier, they struggle with jealousy and almost always with comparisonitis.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: They do not want to hear about your ex, but then again, they want to know everything and will obsess over the comparison and wonder if they measure up.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Anxiously attached individuals may also test their partner in a in a sort of covert attempt to make sure or to elicit reassurance that they are loved, that the relationship is safe, that their partner is really not going anywhere, which can be exhausting to be on the receiving end of.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: They're often quite obsessive about and hyper-vigilant for any small sign that something is wrong, that their partner's upset, maybe about to end the relationship, you know, often asking, is everything alright?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: And they'll have a tendency to make everything their fault, their own fault, to take responsibility or to take things personally when it is really just an insignificant event.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: But they will catastrophise it, make themselves wrong to be sure that their partner is not going to leave them.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: People with an anxiously attached style have people-pleasing tendencies and almost always, as I said earlier, are not great at holding healthy boundaries for themselves, and alongside this, they will very often feel hurt or offended by other people's healthy boundaries because they feel um affronted.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: They have loose, lax boundaries, they allow their boundaries to be transgressed and are a bit upset or confused by other people when they put healthy boundaries in place.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: It feels mean to these people.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: They struggle communicating their needs openly and have a real fear of being seen as needy or too much because, of course, that creates a threat to the relationship.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: If they are needy or too much, or they believe their partner feels they are needy or too much, their partner will leave.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: So they minimize their own needs for the sake of maintaining the relationship.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Anxiously attached people often have difficulty in emotionally regulating, self-soothing, regulating their nervous system when they're fluttered or activated.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: They aren't able or don't feel safe or don't know how to safely experience conflict in relationship.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: It is a massive threat, and so conflict is avoided at all times.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Many anxiously attached individuals haven't learned how to navigate conflict safely for themselves.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Conflict is a threat to the relationship and so they avoid it for fear of the relationship ending.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: If the themes in this episode are resonating with you, if it's bringing up things that you would like to explore on a deeper level with me, you can book a free intro call via the link in the show notes and we can discuss coaching options.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to support you.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: And now back to this week's episode.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: This is the keeping you at arm's length unwilling to commit type character.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: Usually dismissive avoidant people, individuals, appear outwardly to be really confident, they can be charismatic, and are often really successful.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: But the key and the key characteristics of a dismissive avoidant attachment style is the flip of the anxiously attached style where they have a positive self-image but a negative view of others.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: So they often have a really positive self-image, they believe in themselves, they believe they're confident, or they they come across as confident, they believe they're capable and competent, but they may hold a less positive or a negative view of others, seeing them as unreliable, over-demanding, needy, and so they are emotionally distant.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Individuals with this attachment style often maintain an emotional distance from other people.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: They might come across as aloof or detached, unwilling to commit, uncomfortable with vulnerable vulnerability and emotional intimacy.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: They have an underlying belief that showing emotions is not safe, won't they be seen or validated or emotionally safe to show their own emotions.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: And they have this underlying belief also that showing emotions is a sign of weakness in themselves and in others.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: So they might show little when it comes to affection or warmth in their relationships, keeping interactions more superficial, less emotionally charged.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: They just don't want to go there, hence the dismissive avoidant name.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: They highly value independence, their own independence.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: They don't want or need anyone or they come across as not wanting or needing anyone.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: They place a high value on self-sufficiency and independence, preferring only to rely on themselves rather than seeking help or support or connection with others.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: They're fiercely independent.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, or you've been in the reflect community for a while, you know that I talk about fierce independence being a trauma response.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it may not be quite trauma, but it's definitely for these people a self-protective response.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: They are very protective of their autonomy and do not like anyone asking things of them as it feels like a threat to their autonomy.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: They like to be in control all the time, they are very, very sensitive to blame or criticism or feeling like someone is trying to control or change them.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: So asking for your needs to be met by a dismissive, avoidant individual feels to them like you're encroaching.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to control them, you're trying to manipulate or change them.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: They avoid depending on anyone else.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: They've learned through their family of origin, through their experience as a child that they can't rely on anybody else.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: They can only rely on themselves.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: So they avoid situations where they might need to depend on others or where others might depend on them, often distancing themselves to avoid any potential for vulnerability.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: They are self-reliant to the extreme, often viewing dependency on others, having needs, having emotions as a weakness, and will strive to maintain control over their own lives.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: Someone who has a dismissive avoidant attachment style has an underlying belief that everyone is or should be responsible for meeting their own needs, don't need anyone else, and so feels uncomfortable being relied upon or asked to meet someone else's emotional needs as well as relying on others.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: Dismissive avoidance can often have very rigid boundaries and be very black and white about their boundaries and their values and their expectations of others.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: Very much a right wrong one eyed view of the world and of relationships.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: They also typically have difficulty with emotional intimacy, and therefore that's why they avoid getting.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Too close to anyone else.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: They might struggle to form those deep, meaningful connections, even though they want, they really want connection and closeness.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: It is too difficult, it feels too uncomfortable, it's too vulnerable for them.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: They tend to suppress or ignore their own emotional needs and may have trouble recognizing or expressing their emotions, let alone somebody else's.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: They are dismissive, hence the name, of others' needs as well as their own.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: They dismiss or minimize the emotional needs and feelings of others, often appearing really insensitive or dismissive or cold to others around them, including anyone who is in a relationship with them.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: And they may be reluctant to commit to long-term partnerships, long-term relationships, preferring casual, less emotionally involved relationships, so they don't have to go there.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have to, they can avoid emotional vulnerability.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: They keep everyone or they keep others at arm's length because they fear and avoid or resist that emotional closeness.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't feel safe for them.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: They retreat, they make excuses, and they may sabotage a relationship if anyone looks like or tries to get too close.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, individuals with a dismissive avoidant attachment style have difficulty handling conflict.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: Incredibly conflict-verse, avoidant.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: They will do almost anything to avoid conflict, confrontation, as well as anything that is highly emotional.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: So strong emotions, including conflict and confrontation, including the high highs of joy and all the things, all the positive emotions as well.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: They prefer to withdraw or disengage rather than address an issue directly.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: They may opt to shut down stonewall or even gaslight the other person to avoid having to go into confrontation or conflict.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: They are conflict averse and have not learned how to safely, emotionally safe, navigate conflict in an emotionally safe way.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, fearful avoidant attachment style, which is also referred to as disorganized attachment style.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: One psychologist I know well also refers to this attachment style as the victim.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: They feel they have little or no agency over their own life, everything happens to them, and so nothing is ever their fault, and nothing is under their power to change or control.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: The key characteristic of a fearful avoidant attachment style is a low opinion of others and a low opinion of self.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: Low opinion of others, low opinion of self.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: They've learned to not trust anyone, including themselves.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: They exhibit both anxious and avoidant traits, creating this sort of push-pull dynamic of fluctuating closeness and withdrawal.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: They deeply desire and seek out intimacy, they want to create connection and be in relationship, but it's coupled with a deep fear of rejection and abandonment, which is their experience of childhood.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: They were rejected, they were abandoned.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: So there's often this ambivalence or an experience of being hot cold in relationships.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: Individuals with this attachment style frequently exhibit mixed feelings about relationships, both desiring closeness and intimacy and also fearing it.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: They have that strong fear of rejection and abandonment because it was their lived experience as a child, and this leads to anxiety about their relationships.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: They will often leave first before being left and have a cycle of attachment withdrawal, attachment withdrawal.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: They seek attachment and then with it doesn't feel safe for them to be attached or close, so they withdraw once the closeness is achieved, creating stability and confusion in their interactions, which is in part why it's called disorganized.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is a really challenging attachment style because it is born of trauma and abuse in childhood.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: So these individuals have incredible difficulty trusting others.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: Trusting anyone, trusting themselves, trusting others is a significant challenge.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: They are often so wary, even expecting to get hurt or be let down, and they hold a deep fear of betrayal.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: They're almost expecting to be betrayed because that was their experience, that is their normal.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: So these people often struggle with hyper-vigilance, constantly checking that they are safe, that they won't be hurt, they won't be betrayed.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: So they tend to be hyper-vigilant, constantly scanning for signs of rejection or betrayal from their partners, sometimes even almost creating that situation so that their partner will leave, therefore reinforcing the cycle.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: They have difficulty with emotional stability.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, they have difficulty with emotional regulation, often exhibiting emotional liability and stability.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: Managing their emotions is challenging, leading to frequent feelings of overwhelm, stress, stress, self-soothing, and self-regulation are really difficult for anyone who is or who has a fearfully avoidant attachment style.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: Their emotions can be highly volatile, they'll swing between intense desire for connection, for closeness, openness, and then an almost instant switch is flipped, and they have this compelling urge to distance themselves from others.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: So they can be quite fiery, quite reactive and defensive, and can often find anger or dealing with anger a challenge.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: They can be volatile and angry and really easy to flare over something that is seemingly innocuous or insignificant, and they have that tendency, as I said earlier, to push others away.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: So despite craving intimacy and wanting to be in connection with others, they'll push others away when they start to feel too close as a defense mechanism to avoid potential pain of being rejected or being left.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: They will often, a bit like anxious, anxiously attached individuals, exhibit people-pleasing behaviours and they will often have poor boundaries up to a point and then become emotionally overwhelmed, flooded, and respond by pushing back with super firm boundaries and as I said, often volatility.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: They have a poor self-image.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: Remember at the beginning of this section, I said low self-view and low view of others.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: So while they they don't trust others, they also have a poor self-image and feel unworthy of love and affection, which contributes to their fear of intimacy.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: They often carry a lot of guilt and shame, often buried deeply, and struggle with feelings of not good, not being good enough, being unworthy, or seeing themselves as having something inherently wrong with or broken about them.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: So they have these patterns of unstable relationships.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: They're relationships that they form are often marked by turbulence and inconsistency due to those conflicting desires and fears.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: Desire of closeness, fear of closeness.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: So they tend to become overwhelmed and pull away or self-sabotage as the dismissive avoidance do when things get too intimate, too close, too vulnerable.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: So somebody with this attachment style values depth and intimacy in their relationships and finds it hard to be in that depth or intensity.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so they may avoid dependency.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: They may actively avoid becoming too dependent on anyone else, fearing the vulnerability that comes with the reliance.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: That just doesn't feel safe to them.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: So that's a wrap-up of how our attachment style plays out in our adult lives and our adult relationships.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: And remember that we're not set in stone.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: It is a spectrum.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: We do move between different attachment styles, but we'll have a primary attachment style generally.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: It is completely normal to recognize features of one or more types of attachment in your history of romantic relationships, in your history of intimate partnerships, to recognize aspects or elements of each of these in terms of how you show up in connection in relationship.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: So it's important to remember that our attachment style can change with major life events or even with different partners.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: They can change within a relationship.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so while many of us may not fully identify with the traits of secure attachment, what feels like the golden ticket, it's a reminder, I want to remind you also that doesn't make us a failure or wrong or bad.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: Even if we think we have stable relationships, there might be patterns in our behaviour that keep popping up or that we can recognize from perhaps some of the other attachment styles that are impacting our capacity to form emotionally safe, strong relationships.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: And so this really is just an invitation to explore your attachment style.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're in partnership, you're partners.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not in partnership or you're navigating your way out of a partnership, it can also be healthy and worthwhile looking at past interactions, past patterns, and trying to recognize how that has impacted who you choose and how you relate when in relationship.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: We tend to choose someone that we emotionally or you know, on a cellular sort of level, we know how to be in relationship with, and shining a light on your attachment style can help you look at that, help you recognize that now, aha, that is why I choose that.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: That is why I have a pattern in inverted commas.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope this is useful.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, next episode I'm going to record and release on attachment styles and attachment theory is about how it impacts when we end a relationship and how our knowing our attachment style and knowing the attachment style of the other person that we're exiting a relationship with from can help you to navigate, negotiate, and move forward.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this useful, please rate, review, share the share the podcast.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: It helps us get it into the ears of more people just like you who need to hear this stuff.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks again for being here.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.