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How To Change Your Partner · Trauma Free Relationship

0:04
If you've ever said to yourself, why won't my partner just blink
0:09
whatever you filled in in your mind there when I said that?
0:13
Why won't my partner just speak to me more kindly or not use
0:17
that tone? Or if they just said it this way
0:20
or why won't my partner just behave in this manner?
0:24
Or if you've ever said to yourself, if my partner could
0:27
just fix this this like this one thing, if they could just do
0:31
this, man, our relationship would be better or fine or
0:36
great. So most people try to change
0:39
their partner through pressure, criticism, or even withdrawal.
0:44
And more specifically, they try to change them through their
0:48
coping mechanisms or even their protest patterns.
0:52
And these methods that they try actually end up strengthening
0:57
the very behaviors that they hate the most.
1:01
They actually bring about the things that they fear the most
1:04
in their partner. So even though you can't change
1:08
your partner directly, what you can change is the relational
1:12
system, which actually ends up changing both people.
1:17
So when one part of a system changes consistently, the system
1:22
has to reorganize. That's what we're going to talk
1:26
about today, how to change your partner by changing the system.
1:31
Welcome to trauma free relationship.
1:33
I'm your host, Tom Philpin. I've been working for years with
1:37
adults who struggle with relational trauma to regain
1:40
trust in themselves and others so they can experience a safe
1:44
and secure relationship. Let's get started, OK?
1:57
As I mentioned in the opening, I see this a lot where individuals
2:03
and couples will come in and they'll come to me and they'll
2:07
really want to be able to try to change their partner.
2:09
If I could just get my partner to do this and then fill in the
2:13
blank, whatever that is for them.
2:15
And this is their way of trying to get better.
2:18
This is their way of protesting that they're not getting what
2:21
they need. This is their way of trying to
2:23
get their needs met, especially their attachment longings in
2:28
this particular relationship. But what happens is they usually
2:32
go about that in a way that puts pressure or criticism or
2:37
complaint or or shut down and withdrawal or maybe a
2:42
combination of both, so that your partner's head is spinning
2:46
around, not sure what you want. And what they do is they end up
2:49
reinforcing the very things that they fear the most.
2:53
And often times, and in my experience, they actually
2:57
reinforce the original reactions that created the trauma in their
3:03
life. So if they had neglectful
3:06
parents, then the more pressure they put on their partner and
3:09
the more their partner shuts down, the more they end up
3:12
feeling neglected. If they had nobody around that
3:17
cared about them, then they tried to up the pressure on
3:22
their partner. They tried to criticize and
3:25
complain. And So what did they get?
3:27
They get people that abandoned them.
3:29
And so you can see how we end up getting exactly the opposite of
3:33
what we want. So when we talk about, you know,
3:39
how to change our partner, often times what we see is that the
3:43
sense of of patterns play out. Now, I've talked a lot about
3:48
cycles on this podcast because I see this all the time in
3:52
relationships. And that's essentially what
3:55
we're talking about here today. What is the cycle?
3:58
What is the pattern? What is the system or even the
4:02
dynamic can go by a lot of different words.
4:04
What is it that the couple gets caught in that keeps them stuck?
4:11
And when we start talking about trauma patterns, certainly we
4:13
could be talking about, you know, criticism that activates
4:17
defenses. So your partner shuts down,
4:19
withdraws or even explodes. It can look like control, which
4:25
actually makes your partner more resistant to change.
4:29
They dig in their heels because nobody likes to feel like
4:32
they're being dominated or controlled.
4:34
Nagging only strengthens avoidance, and withdraw only
4:39
increases pursuit. So the more you shut down, the
4:43
more your partner's going to try to turn up the heat to connect
4:47
and resolve. And so I see this pattern play
4:51
out a lot. And if we think about this as a
4:54
system, meaning if we think about this as A, as a coherent
4:59
whole, not 2 separate individuals, but think of those
5:03
individuals in A, in a circle. And when Partner A does
5:09
something, Partner B reacts, and every time that happens, it is
5:14
consistent with that pattern. When Partner A does this,
5:18
Partner B does that. So on and so forth.
5:22
And we see this, I mean that we can actually even name some of
5:25
the actual patterns, like for example, there's a pursue
5:28
withdraw pattern that happens right when the the more anxious
5:33
style partner gets anxious and they start to put pressure on
5:37
the more avoidance style partner.
5:39
Then there's one pursuit versus a withdrawal.
5:43
We can see this in parent child dynamics as as well.
5:47
You might have an over functioner and an under
5:49
functioner. So someone assumes sort of the
5:52
parent role and the other person assumes sort of the child role.
5:56
And of course, we can see this in the opposite 2 of more, you
5:59
know, anxious avoidance style polarizations or anxious and
6:04
anxious partners or avoidant and voidant partners.
6:07
And of course, we can even see this with disorganized as well,
6:11
where there's no clear pattern. In one moment, they, they love
6:14
you, they need you. Come here in the next moment,
6:17
get away. I can't stand you.
6:19
You're not meeting my need. And it's met with criticism and
6:22
complaint. And it just makes the, the other
6:26
partner in that kind of relationship feel like they can
6:29
never get it right. They will never be able to get
6:31
it right for their partner. They're always going to be in
6:34
the wrong. So these patterns play out a lot
6:38
and a system will maintain balance even if the balance is
6:45
painful. So a lot of these systems that I
6:47
just talked about pursue withdraw or any variation there
6:51
of they might be painful for both partners, neither partners
6:56
getting what they want. But here's what happens, and
6:59
that is as long as we continue to do the same things, we
7:03
continue to get the same outputs.
7:05
So the same inputs get the same outputs.
7:09
And so we have to be able to change the system in order to be
7:14
able to change what we're wanting inside of that system.
7:19
So just real briefly, when we talked about a system or systems
7:23
theory, this has been around for a long, long time.
7:27
It started back in the 1950s and Palo Alto, CA, a couple of
7:33
really independent thinkers were looking at things outside the
7:37
box of the, the, the, the traditional view of how we
7:43
viewed people at that time, which was more of a Freudian
7:47
view. And they said, you know, wait a
7:49
minute. There's a lot more that goes on
7:51
to shape behavior and thoughts and feelings than just simply
7:55
this ego, super ego, you know, tripartite mechanism that Freud
8:01
outlined. And that is that the, the
8:04
relationships were caught in, they have a huge impact on us.
8:09
And so we can't just look inside.
8:10
We also have to look at the system in which people exist.
8:15
And so a lot of what they were able to come to understand is
8:19
that the patterns that people can get caught up in are greater
8:24
than the individuals. Meaning that that if again,
8:29
partner A does one thing, Partner B will react in a
8:34
similar manner. And as long as partner A
8:36
continues to do something, then partner B will continue to do
8:41
the reaction piece of it. And so these patterns begin to
8:45
play out and these roles can become fixed.
8:49
And so you can have caretaker roles growing up.
8:52
You can have more bossy type roles.
8:56
You can have a more emotional one versus an A lot or a logical
9:00
1. You can have a more responsible
9:03
versus the more carefree. And so sometimes we adot these
9:06
roles in our family growing U and they can very much be an
9:10
adaptation to what that family pattern or structure was like.
9:16
And so keep in mind that the pattern sometimes is greater
9:20
than the individual. Now, it doesn't mean that as
9:22
individuals we can't change the pattern.
9:24
And that's exactly what we're going to talk about today is how
9:27
do we change our partner by actually changing the pattern or
9:30
the system that we are stuck in, but understanding that that that
9:36
pattern plays out because it thrives on homeostasis, meaning
9:42
it thrives on consistency. So the system will resist change
9:48
in order to stay familiar. And that's called homeostasis.
9:53
So I've seen this in in couples, right, where they have some kind
9:58
of a rupture, they've got a little bit of a repair process
10:02
in place, but it's nothing that's really deep or broad or
10:07
allows them to to deepen their understanding of themselves and
10:11
each other and really make repairs.
10:14
So it feels almost more like they just kind of sweep things
10:17
on the rug. And then pretty soon they repeat
10:20
the pattern again. They have some flare up, they
10:23
have some rupture again, things get escalated, they get upset.
10:26
They might not talk for a few days.
10:29
They might sort of freeze each other out.
10:31
Or they do their pursue withdraw pattern and then things calm
10:34
down and they go back to homeostasis.
10:38
They go back to somewhat being normal and the way they interact
10:42
with each other until of course that pattern plays out again and
10:46
again and again. So that's just a couple of the
10:50
most important components when we start talking about systems
10:54
theory, meaning that that it's almost unconscious the way the
10:58
pattern plays out because both partners respond to each other
11:02
in consistent and, and, and characteristic ways.
11:07
And as a result, then that pattern gets ingrained in the
11:11
relationship. It can become to dominate the
11:15
relationship and it will always seek to go back to homeostasis,
11:19
even if that homeostasis is painful.
11:23
Remember I mentioned that earlier that a system will
11:26
maintain balance even if the balance is painful.
11:30
And This is why these patterns can be so destructive to
11:32
relationships. So you know what is the secret
11:37
here, right? How do we go about if the system
11:39
or the pattern is greater than the individual and we're wanting
11:44
to change that pattern, then how do we change the pattern but not
11:49
focus on the partner or the person?
11:52
And this, I think is the key, key question we're asking
11:55
ourselves here today. How do we change the pattern but
12:00
not try to change our partner? Because it feels like we're
12:04
always trying to change our partner.
12:05
If they could just do this, if they could just do that, if they
12:10
could just have said it this way, I would have responded so
12:13
much nicer. If they could just take
12:15
responsibility for being so defensive, then finally I would
12:19
feel validated in what I'm seeing.
12:21
Or we can just fill in that blank, whatever that blank is
12:24
for you. So part of what we have to do is
12:27
instead of how do I change them, we have to be able to ask
12:30
ourselves, how do I change the interaction that we keep
12:34
repeating? And as I said before, a systems
12:38
theory principle is we have to put a new input in that leads to
12:43
a new response that then will change the new system.
12:47
So those 3 components to this new input, it garners a new
12:52
response, which then will break the pattern.
12:56
And So what does that mean? It means that we might respond
13:00
differently. It might be that we learned to
13:02
set boundaries, it might be that we learn to regulate our nervous
13:07
system. Or if we stop over functioning,
13:12
then what happens? Is it it?
13:14
It forces a different response and it creates a new pattern,
13:20
hopefully a more healthy pattern.
13:22
If your partner expects you to be home at 5:00 and wants you
13:32
there all evening and it feels like you don't have the freedom
13:35
to go out and be with some of your friends or else your
13:39
partner will get upset, then learning to advocate for
13:43
yourself and say I'm going to have drinks with some buddies or
13:47
some girlfriends after work. I won't be home right away and I
13:52
will be home later this evening. And that may be upsetting to
13:57
your partner, but guess what you've just done.
13:59
You've just changed the pattern. Let your partner be upset.
14:03
They're going to be upset. They're going to try you to draw
14:06
you back into the same pattern because that's what they know
14:10
and that's what they're used to. But as long as you hold that
14:13
boundary and as long as you hold that new input, then over time
14:19
with consistency, you are going to change that pattern.
14:26
So let's drill down just a little bit and talk about this
14:31
from a trauma standpoint because that's really, you know, the
14:35
frame we want to put this into, right?
14:37
Not just relationships, but also how does trauma play out in
14:41
this? Well, first of all, if we look
14:43
at this through an attachment trauma lens, our protective
14:47
strategies, right? Our adaptations to a rigid
14:53
system growing up or in our adolescence or in our first
14:58
marriage, whatever that might be.
15:01
My partner was always running around in my first marriage.
15:06
I could never get them to stay home and love me.
15:08
I could never get them to listen to me, to understand what it was
15:12
I was needing. All conversations would would
15:15
just, you know, explode or just, you know, breakdown and
15:20
communication. And my partner end up cheating
15:23
on me. And so as a result, I'm
15:26
extremely cautious when it comes to trusting anybody because the
15:35
pattern that was created and the homeostasis was never able to be
15:41
broken. It went back to that same
15:44
pattern. And so our protective strategies
15:47
that we learn can actually then get ingrained into our nervous
15:53
system. And that might be, you know,
15:55
hyper vigilance on our partner. Well, now I'm with somebody new
15:59
and my partner called and said a good friend came in from out of
16:02
town and they're going to go out to dinner together.
16:05
And he'd be home a little bit later.
16:06
And now all of a sudden I'm just racked with anxiety.
16:10
You know, my partner said he was going to drop by to see a buddy
16:14
with him, but I know he's going to to the casino and he's
16:18
gambling lots of our money. And so now all of a sudden I am
16:22
just completely anxious about everything even though he said
16:26
he's not going to do it. So we become hyper vigilant to
16:29
our partners behavior. This creates of course,
16:32
emotional triggers and a threat response in the relationship and
16:37
anytime we have a threat response to the relationship.
16:41
And I don't mean physical threat, I don't mean threat of
16:45
physical harm. I just mean threat of, of
16:48
connection of our attachment tie being being severed or strained
16:55
or stretched in any way. The emotional bond between us
16:59
that when we do that, that's what our protective strategy
17:03
start to show up. And our protective strategies
17:07
are there for a reason. We need to, we need to embrace
17:10
them. We need to love them.
17:12
We need to care about them because that is how we are kept
17:16
safe. Our protective strategies have
17:19
learned what keeps us safe in a a dysfunctional system or in a
17:25
system that was no longer really meeting our needs and working
17:28
for us. And so when that happens and if
17:32
we lead with our protective strategies, then that actually
17:35
just brings about the very thing that that we were feared in the
17:39
1st place. So we start blowing up our
17:42
partners phone who was going to go meet a friend at the casino,
17:45
even though they weren't going to gamble.
17:48
We start pressuring them, Please don't gamble.
17:50
We, we don't have much money. Please, I need you home with
17:52
you. And the next thing you know,
17:54
your partner feels so much stress and so much pressure that
17:58
sure enough, they go and they hit the gambling machine before
18:01
they come home. Something along those lines.
18:04
Now probably not a good idea in this example to, to, to go to
18:07
meet a friend of the casino, whether you're gambling or not,
18:10
especially if you've got a gambling issue going on.
18:13
But, but you can see how your, your, your reaction from a
18:17
partner's standpoint could actually make things worse
18:20
instead of better. And so, you know, from an
18:24
attachment standpoint, our nervous system and the way it's
18:28
learned to protect us can't become self fulfilling
18:31
prophecies. And when that happens, it tends
18:35
to create a rigid system that we get stuck, stuck in with our
18:41
partner. So understanding that your your
18:46
nervous system was an adaptation to a system in which you had to
18:52
adapt, you had zero choice in adapting to it.
18:56
And thank goodness that we are built with enough flexibility to
19:00
be able to adapt. But the way you adapted to that
19:04
system, whether it be a family system or a first marriage or,
19:10
you know, death of a, of a, of a mother or father in adolescence.
19:15
And now all of a sudden you're having to take care of your
19:17
younger brother and system sister.
19:20
Excuse me, Whatever that system might have looked like, you can
19:23
bet your nervous system adapted to that.
19:26
So as I kind of alluded to, if we can't change our partner, but
19:32
we can change the system and if there's three components to
19:36
that, a new input, remember I talked about this, we need a new
19:41
input into the system that allows us then to be able to
19:47
have a different, different reaction from a partner, a new
19:53
response that then will create a new system, a new pattern,
19:58
hopefully a healthier pattern. That's certainly what we're
20:01
looking for. So what kind of new inputs can
20:05
we can we look at? Well, there's really three, one
20:08
of the three most common or powerful inputs in order to
20:12
change a system. And the first one is just be
20:15
able to change your response. So if you normally are a pursuer
20:21
and you practice pursuing your partner, you get flooded with
20:26
anxiety. And so you want to put pressure
20:28
on your partner. You want your partner not to
20:30
shut down. They need to be able to resolve
20:32
this. Talk this out right here, right
20:33
now. They can sense all that anxiety.
20:37
And so one of the things you need to be able to do is you
20:40
need to be able to regulate and self soothe in order to show up
20:45
differently for your partner. So practice pausing, practice
20:49
self soothing. If we talked about this on the
20:52
opposite end of the spectrum, if you tend to shut down more, how
20:56
can you practice staying more present and being more open
20:59
emotionally and available to your partner in those moments so
21:04
that they don't feel you emotionally withdrawing or
21:07
certainly physically withdrawing?
21:09
So even something as as I don't, it's not simple.
21:12
I was going to say even something as simple as is
21:14
changing our our regulating our emotions better, but there's,
21:17
there's nothing simple about that because in many ways this
21:21
is your nervous system having adapted and it itself is a
21:26
system that you're trying to change.
21:29
Being able to regulate yourself indicates that you will show up
21:34
differently for your partner. That will be a new input.
21:38
So if you show up softer, if you show up more patient, if you
21:43
show up with less anxiety, if you show up slower for your
21:48
partner and make it safer for them to be able to be open and
21:52
honest and engage and stay emotionally available, then
21:57
that's a new input. Your partner is forced to change
22:01
their response and then that can create a new system.
22:05
So being able to change your response is really important
22:10
because that's the new input and and we don't have to do huge
22:15
changes. Sometimes small shifts can make
22:19
a big difference. If you're used to being very
22:22
impulsive and your partner says something that triggers you and
22:25
you immediately respond with defensiveness, learn the power
22:29
of the pause. Learn how to stop, check
22:32
yourself, take a deep breath, engage in some internal work.
22:37
What did I just hear? What does it mean to me?
22:40
How did I just interpret this? And that in and of itself.
22:43
Sometimes just pausing can create a change because that's a
22:48
new input that forces your partner to respond in a
22:51
different way. So changing your response to
22:55
your partner is huge in being able to change the system.
23:00
Another thing that you might do is being able to set boundaries.
23:05
So setting boundaries with your partner is another way to really
23:10
be able to change the system overall.
23:15
If you feel like you walk on egg shells, go home and decide I'm
23:20
going to just be myself. I'm going to relax and if it
23:24
irritates my partner, so be it, because I'm not going to walk on
23:29
egg shells. I'm not going to be so attuned
23:31
to my partner that every time they breathe or sigh, I'm going
23:35
to assume that it's about me or because of me.
23:39
I'm not going to panic if my partner goes and meets a friend
23:43
for drinks or dinner after work or when my partner is
23:47
disciplining my child. Normally I would jump in for
23:50
this fear or this need to protect my children.
23:53
I'm actually going to let that play out a little bit.
23:56
I'm going to let my partner take the lead on being able to
23:59
discipline my children in a healthy way.
24:01
I'm not talking about any kind of over the top abusive way by
24:05
any means. Please hear, you know, hear a
24:08
caveat to that, but I'm going to let my partner take charge.
24:12
Or you know what, the dishes are dirty.
24:14
I'm going to let my partner take care of the dishes tonight.
24:17
I've asked them, they said they would.
24:19
I'm not going to jump in and get all anxious because they didn't
24:23
do it in the time frame I wanted them to.
24:25
I'm going to actually sit down on the couch and read and relax.
24:28
Any kind of input can change that.
24:31
And so setting boundaries can can be a huge issue in in
24:37
creating that homeostasis, in creating that system going back
24:41
to the way it was. But if you begin to set
24:44
boundaries for yourself, then that's a new input which forces
24:49
a different response to your partner, which can create a
24:53
different pattern. And so being able to create
24:58
clarity, consistency and follow through, those are three aspects
25:04
that are really important, whether it's changing your
25:07
response, whether it's setting boundaries, whether it's taking
25:11
accountability for yourself and for your own role in the system.
25:16
One of the outcomes of couples therapy that I do and certainly
25:21
one of the outcomes in our coaching system that we have our
25:25
12/12/12 week coaching program is accountability is helping
25:30
individuals recognize, oh, when I do this, my partner does that.
25:35
And this is how we have this, this system.
25:38
But if I take responsibility, if I can be held accountable and
25:41
hold myself accountable for the way I show up with my partner
25:45
during those moments, during those ruptures, then I might be
25:49
able to show up differently. And as a result, it forces my
25:53
partner to be able to have a different change.
25:57
So clarity, consistency and follow through.
26:01
You can't do this once. You can't change your response.
26:05
You can't set boundaries or take accountability just one time and
26:09
expect, expect the system to change.
26:11
Because as I've mentioned before, homeostasis is powerful.
26:15
It's wants to go back to what it knows.
26:18
The same thing with your nervous system.
26:20
It wants to go back to being defensive.
26:23
It wants to go back to using the same types of strategies it's
26:26
used that have worked for hundreds and hundreds and
26:30
thousands of days that it's had to do that.
26:34
And so you have to be clear knowing what you're doing and be
26:38
conscious about it. And you have to be consistent in
26:43
being able to create that change.
26:46
And that means you've got to have follow through, clarity,
26:49
consistency and follow through. You can't set boundaries with
26:53
your partner once and then not do it again.
26:57
The follow through's got to be consistent.
27:00
So that's really important in being able to create the changes
27:06
in the system that we want to see.
27:09
And so those are three of the most, I think, significant ways.
27:14
I'm sure you can think of some others for sure that can help
27:18
change the system that we're in. If we can make small changes
27:23
like how can I show up differently with my partner or
27:26
how can I set better boundaries with my partner, then that is
27:31
going to necessitate a change on their part.
27:34
So in some ways we don't need to focus on changing our partner.
27:37
We need to focus on changing ourself.
27:40
But in doing that, we're going to change our partner.
27:43
The impact on our partner is going to be made.
27:47
There will be an impact. So one question you might be
27:51
asking yourself is, OK, what if I do this, Tom?
27:54
What if I'm clear about it? I'm consciously changing some of
27:57
the inputs. I'm showing up differently with
27:59
my partner. What if, what if I'm able to set
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boundaries and hold those lines better for me?
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And what if my partner doesn't change?
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What if the system stays the same?
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That's a really great, great question.
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One is, I would ask, are you by any chance maintaining the
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pattern unconsciously? Yes, you may be showing up a
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little bit differently, but are there other ways that you are
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maintaining the pattern? One of the things I see is like
28:34
couples will come in and we'll have a great session, right?
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We'll be able to really identify some some patterns, some things
28:42
that they're doing to contribute to the pattern.
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And we actually get a different outcome.
28:47
We actually get different inputs.
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Post partners show up differently with each other.
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They're softer, they're more vulnerable, less defensiveness.
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They actually bond a little bit in the session and then they go
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home and they repeat the old pattern 300 times before they
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show back up in my office again. So they're, they're
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unconsciously playing out that pattern over and over and over
29:08
way more times than they are doing something different.
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And so there are times where the pattern doesn't get broken
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because we're we're, we're playing out that pattern in ways
29:20
we can't often see. And it might be even be
29:22
unconscious. And then another thing I think
29:25
is that your partner, their, their defenses just may be
29:30
rigid. They, they may have a lot of
29:33
trauma in their own life And as a result, they double down.
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And so they don't respond the differently to your input.
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And that is, you know, you're, they may not be committed to
29:45
growth right now. They may not be able to soften
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and change as a result to your change.
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And when that happens, what I would say is that it's very
29:56
important for you to be consistent in your change
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behavior, consistent in the way you show up, because eventually
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your partner will soften. Eventually they will adapt
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differently to the different inputs into the system.
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And and finally, I think is that sometimes the system can be
30:18
built on trauma survival, not always a partnership.
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And I just did a previous episode on trauma bonding.
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And if that's the case, it be can be difficult to change the
30:30
system because it's actually built on a trauma bond rather
30:35
than a, a, a healthy partnership and a friendship originally that
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it was built on. And so sometimes the the
30:46
foundation in which our relationship was built was built
30:50
on a unhealthy pattern. And so that's actually what
30:54
feels most normal in the relationship.
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OK, well, I hope this has been helpful.
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I hope this gave you a little bit different idea of how to
31:04
view your relationship and especially the cycles and the
31:08
patterns that you can get stuck in.
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Again, just to recap, I think it's really important to
31:14
understand that the way you change your partner is to change
31:18
yourself and to change the way you interact and show up with
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your partner. So different inputs cause
31:25
different responses which can change the pattern.
31:30
My name is Tom Phillip and I'm here to remind you to stay
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grounded, clear and connected.