Latest / Soul Salon with Ayandastood / 10: on finding your voice

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10: on finding your voice · Soul Salon with Ayandastood

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I am worthy of being seen, but in order to be seen, I need to show myself.
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I am worthy of being heard, but in order to be heard, I need to speak myself.
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I am worthy of being felt, but in order to be felt, I need to reveal myself.
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The sun shines out of you and into me.
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Hello sun shines and welcome to reimagining with I understood a podcast where we reframe,
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rethink and reimagine everything, standing in the way of love and liberation.
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I'm your host, Ayanda, and I am delighted, enchanted, ecstatic, overjoyed to have a slice of your
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precious time today.
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Hello, my dear darlings. I have missed you. I am sending you all the love today and all the light
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and all the sunshine that the world has to offer and saying that I know I've been gone for a long time
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from this medium, but I've been so excited to get back to you. Six months later, I'm releasing
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myself from the shame of feeling like I started a creative project and I left it behind
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because I know it's only productivity culture and grind culture and hustle culture
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underneath the umbrella of capitalism and the ideology of capitalism.
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That makes me feel ashamed. I know that it's okay to let things evolve as they as they need to,
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like a harvest, you know, the earth has its own plans and sometimes when we choose to have that
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more spiritual connection to our creative projects, I think allowing things to take the time
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that they take, not only in the active part of the creation, but also in the passive part,
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in the rest, in the subconscious mind versus the conscious action.
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And I think I needed to take this time to shift my energy that was being pulled towards
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other things because this medium in particular, I think, takes a lot out of me.
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There's a lot of creative resistance that I experience around podcasting. There's a lot of shame.
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There's a lot of feeling like I never feel good enough. I never feel like I
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I'm saying enough or either that or I'm saying too much and this is really a medium where I hope to
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maybe it's not find my voice but learn how to be at peace with it.
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Because my voice is right here, I have a lot to say, but it's often me refusing to accept that
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my voice is acceptable. It's not that I don't know what I have to say or that I feel like I'm
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at a loss for words. It's more that I never feel like the words can be left as they are. I always
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feel like there's more to add or there are things to be taken away. I always feel like I sound
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away that I don't want to sound. And so that tells me that I'm scared of being seen.
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That there's this dual and this paradoxical relationship with attention and being
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attended to that I think many of us experience in different ways which is that we want to be seen
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but we also are terrified of being seen. And so we flirt and push and pull with each of these
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truths. When we're not seen enough, we crave being seen more. When we're seen too much and seen
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in a way that we don't wish to be seen, we retreat into the shadows, into the darkness.
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And part of me blooming or trying to continue to bloom is accepting that even the parts of myself
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that I feel like are meant to be in the dark deserve to also have the light shined upon them.
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So I really want to use this pain of fearing being seen and yet needing to be seen
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as the return, as what I choose to talk about today in today's podcast.
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To use a pain that I've experienced as something that can be generative hopefully for you.
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I often quote the Audrey Lord essay, the transformation of silence into language and action
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because it means the world to me it speaks to me on a spiritual level even the title on its own
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the transformation of silence which implies nothingness which implies the absence of
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any sort of truth or meaning or seeing or being seen into something generative which is language.
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But also language is what connects us. Language is what allows you to feel connected to me. It
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allows me to feel connected to you as is action and language is assembled not purely of spoken language
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but it's also of written words it's also of things we do with our face and our bodies there's
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the language and there's the action that's why I think she had to have both.
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Recently I've been thinking so much about how we have this inner world and it's through language
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and it's through action that we match our inner world to the outer world.
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And I came to this way of seeing through an episode I listened to on the highest self-podcast
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and I'll play the excerpt from that episode and I'll link to it in the show notes.
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So our throat chakra if you look at the chakra system our throat is our ability to express our inner
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world to the outer world. So you have your own inner reality your inner reality is your emotions it's
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your intuition it's your perception it's what you see the world as and our life our quality of life
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becomes greater when we're able to match our inner world with our outer world.
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However most people have a hard time communicating what that inner world is.
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They have a hard time speaking their truth. They have a hard time expressing their emotions.
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They have a hard time putting their thoughts into words that could be understood by another person.
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So they have this inner reality that no one around them is aware of and what happens is
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then you start to feel a separation that I'm not being authentic to me. I don't have the relationships
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that I want I don't have the career that I want I don't have the friends that I want I'm not being met
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and you become resentful maybe you even gain shame around not feeling authentic in your life
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and then that begins to putrify it it adds and adds and you get more and more in that shame and
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that guilt and that sadness and that feeling unmet bucket and then it becomes your life and then
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you become more distant and more avoided and more unable to express your truth when really what
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you needed was to share it. I wrote a few words in my journal that I want to share with you this
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evening it is the evening and I want to again go deep into this feeling of who deserves to be heard
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and when do we deserve to be heard which is I think always whenever we're speaking from a place
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of our truth and Cornel West always says the condition of truth is that it allows suffering
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to speak that whenever we are silencing suffering whether it be our own or that of others we are
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not being truthful the condition of truth is that it allows suffering to speak I think that is
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really beautiful how often do we silence our suffering and therefore how often are we untruthful
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and how often is suffering something that gets silenced in the rooms that we live in and
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that frustration of feeling like the truth is not in this room because we are not naming for
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example the land that we are on the indigenous land that we are on or because we are not naming
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all the violence that the institution has enacted upon black people or we are not naming
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women scholars or we are not naming there's always so much suffering that goes unspoken and
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therefore so much untruth so much dishonesty so much mendacity is the word that Cornel West
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likes to use that prevails in our society and also in our intimate relationships where we
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repress our truth and we don't let it be heard and that's social conditioning. Angela Davis always
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says that we do the work of the state through our interior lives through our emotional lives
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isn't that so profound we do the work of the state through our interior lives which means since
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the state wants to keep us silent since the state wants to keep us policed since the state wants
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to keep us in a state of enacting violence upon each other and upon ourselves specifically
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anti-black violence, anti-women violence, anti-queer violence and so on we see that the way we navigate
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our interior relationships with self and with others and with the falsehood of that dichotomy
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because we are who we are through others that's the concept of Ubuntu the philosophy of being
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through others the philosophy of interrelated being that necessarily we are only because of only
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through only via other people that I can't tell you who I am I can only narrate the people who
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have brought me into a specific kind of being and I am the reaction I am all the things that I've
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heard I'm all the things that I've read I'm all the things experiences that I've had with others
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this is from the book Everyday Ubuntu by Mungi Ngomane who's a South African writer and I'll link to
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it in the show notes the concept of Ubuntu is found in almost all African Bantu languages
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it shares its roots with the word Bantu meaning people and almost always denotes the importance of
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community and connection the idea of Ubuntu is best represented in both kasa and zulu by the
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proverb umtu gumtu gaban tu meaning a person is a person through other persons it is a proverb
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which exists in all the African languages of South Africa the word Ubuntu or closely related
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are found in many other African countries and cultures in rwanda and burundi it means human generosity
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in parts of kenya ubuntu is a concept which means that every action should be for the benefit of
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the community in malawi it's umtu an idea that on your own you are no better than a wild animal
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but true or more people make a community the sense that I am only because you are runs throughout
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and so I cannot see myself as this isolated person or being you know what I mean
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I digress so I'm going to go grab my journal and then I'll be right back
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so first I want to speak about why I decided to journal about this first I tried to record this
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episode and I went through about four attempts the two of them were partial attempts and one of them
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was a full episode attempt so I did an episode but as I was editing the episode I felt so much shame
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I felt that it was unacceptable it felt not good enough it felt like there were things that
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I wasn't saying there were things that I was saying too much I was editing and editing and editing
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and I just deeply felt ashamed of what I was saying and I also was conscious of the fact that
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people listen to podcasts don't they listen to be uplifted and I felt like I was being depressing
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you know what I mean and again the condition of truth is that it allows suffering to speak
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so as I was going through this process this idea of silencing myself and refusing to believe
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my voice deserved to be heard came up for me and it comes up for me so often in this podcast
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process it's the process where I find excavating my truth and sharing my voice to be most difficult
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and the way that that ends up showing up is in excessive editing or is in excessive delay or is
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in being five episodes behind five episodes that I could be sharing with you but that I'm ashamed
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I'm ashamed of myself and the episode is a trigger it is a proof point it is an example of that
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shame and that's why I create videos on the topic of embarrassment and doing things that you're
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embarrassed to do I'm going to reframe your perspective on embarrassment and if I succeed you
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need to follow me okay so many of us think that because something makes us feel embarrassed
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we should stop doing it like I'm done I'm working away I'm working away hey I actually think
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it's the exact opposite if something embarrasses you it might be an indication that that's exactly
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what you need to keep doing because it serves a higher vision that you have for yourself the first
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few steps of learning to do anything new anything that doesn't come naturally to you are deeply
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embarrassing they shouldn't be but they are embarrassing because we live in a culture of shaming
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people out of expression they're true desires but sometimes that's the exact type of person
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that you see a vision of yourself being if you have a vision you need to be as self loving and
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self nourishing so as to commit to the embarrassing phases of serving that vision especially in the
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beginning you just need to keep going like you just need to keep doing the thing and trust
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that your future self will thank you and trust that just because you feel embarrassed does not
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mean you should stop it's actually you know only things that matter to you would you be willing to
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even contemplate being embarrassed for let your embarrassment be a guide not something to flee from
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but to run towards okay towards because I believe that there's so much spiritual there are so
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many spiritual lessons that we can derive from the things that we are deeply ashamed of there's
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so much of our truth that lies in what we're ashamed to say and ashamed to do and ashamed to share
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the things that we could say I would I could never share that with anyone they would never accept me
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because why because we do the work of the state through our interior lives
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so I named this overcoming the fear of your voice and previously I named it on finding and sharing
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your voice but the problem with the idea of finding your voice is that you already have your voice
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you just don't think that in its present form it's worth sharing you have the things to say you
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just fear that you do not have the perfect words or you don't have the perfect framing or you don't
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have the perfect writing to share those words and therefore they don't deserve to be shared and
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that is the thing that I really want us to question is that why does that have to be a condition
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under which we are only allowed to share our truth and who does it serve so what I wrote is that
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each of us has words inside of us that we suppress every single day we have an inner world
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which for many of us feels like the only place where we can be fully authentic fully ourselves
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fully in recognition of our shame of our envy of our guilt of our fear of our anxiety of our
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loneliness of our suffering of our grief and also of our joy of our playfulness of our pleasure
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we so much feel that there is this inner part that we have to hide from others that we can never
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fully scream in anger or in pleasure in front of others think about it we convince ourselves that
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we are the only ones who will ever fully accept us think about the moment when you return home
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from being in the public wherever you are an event a dinner something with friends that moment of
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relief finally I can be in my comfortable clothes my socks that I love that I've had for six
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years the t-shirt that's old and raggedy where I finally feel myself I can remove my wig I can
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remove the uncomfortable shoes I can breathe again I can wear clothes that are actually comfortable
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again I can finally once more be myself I can fart I can sing I can do whatever and many people
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don't even have this private space but there is that's that craving to be fully ourselves with no
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judgment and we've been convinced the only safe place to do that is with ourselves especially
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introverse will relate to this and this is not because of some sort of internal understanding of
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the world it's because throughout our lives we've been trained that we need to trade our authenticity
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for approval and this is borrowing the words of Gabor Matei okay and I'll play those words for you
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a simple definition authentic comes to the word auto which means the self so authentic means
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being ourselves now we're born being ourselves we can't help but to be born being ourselves
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unless we're severely hurt and uterus not well you know we're just born ourselves that means we're
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connected to our gut feelings or emotions we're told in the present we're not thinking about the past
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we're not considering or worried about the future which is there with ourselves with our bellies
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and our hearts and our nervous systems and our guts and all the emotions that's what
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means to be authentic to be present with ourselves connected to our bodies and to our emotions
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and not to be afraid to be ourselves that's what it means to be authentic now for many of us
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authenticity shows up in the lack of it and virtually everyone has had the experience of
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saying something to somebody or acting in a certain way or trying to look in a certain way
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and there's something in you says I'm not being myself I'm not being authentic
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but that part that notices it that's your authentic self so what I say to people about
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authenticity is it's an essential part of you in fact you can't help but be there because you're
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born with it and you can never be without you can never be showing of it you can never be robbed of
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it but in order to belong and to fit into your family and your society you have to really surrender
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it and hide it and repress it and push it down and even lose contact with it and there are many
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people in this society who are totally lost contact with it and they do all kinds of things that
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makes them miserable and other people miserable and they don't even realize it they don't realize
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the source of it so in terms of seeking authenticity don't do that because the part of you that
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wants to find authenticity is already not authentic the part of you that notices that you're not
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authentic that's the authentic part so notice when you're not being authentic and then without
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being critical of yourself or I wasn't being authentic what terrible be curious what was I afraid of
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so you're going to find your authenticity by noticing where you're not authentic
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child is born and child is two needs the first need is for attachment
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and attachment is contact connection love without that the human child does not survive
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even an avian child doesn't survive the baby bird has to have an attachment with the
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pants the pants have to be attached to the baby otherwise the infant simply does not survive
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mammalians even more so and most so the human because we're the least developed the least mature
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with the least developed brains and the most dependent for the longest period of time with any creature
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so our attachment needs are enormous and they remain important throughout lifetime because we
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have to have attachments to front societies social groups without which we don't survive
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so attachment is a huge need we have to connect belong you love by and love that's just a basic
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human need but we have another need as well which is for authenticity the authenticity is the
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capacity to know what to feel to be in touch with our bodies and to be able to express who we are
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and manifest who we are in our activities and in our relationships now why is that well I think
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of a human being in evolutionary period who's not in touch with their body and they've got feelings
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how long do they survive out there in the wild so authenticity is another huge survival need
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but what happens to a child where the attachment need is not compatible with need for authenticity
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in other words if I'm authentic my parents will reject me if I feel what I feel and express
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what I feel and in system my own truth my parents can't handle it and parents can be those messages
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unconsciously all the time not because they mean to not because they don't love the child
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but because they themselves are suppressed or traumatized or hurt or stressed
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what does the child do with that well if I give up my attachment for the sake of authenticity
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I lose my relationships on which my life depends therefore there's no question
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but become suppressed there's our authenticity our emotions
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and then we become 3540 and we don't know who we are
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and somebody asks us what do you feel you say have no idea
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and how many times we've all had the experience of having an inkling of strong gut feeling or
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ignoring it we're ignoring it and beginning to trouble
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well that tells us what happened what happened was that at some point we found out
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there was too costly for our attachment relationships to be in touch with our gut feelings
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so then it becomes not our first nature but our second nature to lose touch with ourselves
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and to suppress our gut feelings and then we pay the cost later on in the form of addiction
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mental illness or any range of physical illnesses
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but all again with this tragic conflict that children should never be confronted with
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but are all the time between authenticity and the one hand and attachment and the other
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what I want to say next is let's use our sci-fi brains for a second and say that we are world
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builders one of the things that we've been convinced of is that we cannot build the world that is
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for the corporations that's for the state that's for the organizations that's for someone else
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we are not the world builders that we are the world takers but we do build the world
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we build the world in our consciousness and instead of adorning the world the external world
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with our precious consciousness with our thoughts with our feeling with our arts with our perspective
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okay with our truth we are taught to repress our truth we are taught to hide our truth we're taught
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as I just mentioned that feeling of coming home to build an inner world of safety instead of
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trying to project that feeling onto our external environment we're taught that because of all
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the shame and humiliation that will face us if we are truly ourselves and the violence that has
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faced us the trauma that has faced us that we need to repress our voice and we need to build an inner
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world just for us where we can be safe so throughout our lives we learn to silence ourselves
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in so many different ways and I'm going to share a couple of ways that this manifests for me
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let's talk first about relationships there's so many of my relationships that I've had
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where I have not physically been able to share my true experience of the relationship
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to share the things that I felt made me inconvenient to share my truth to leave the relationship
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to have the courage to speak into existence what I was experiencing in my inner world so then
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I was in two relationships I was relating to that person and I was relating to myself
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through that person and the latter was much more honest because that's where I would share the
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fullness of my experience of the relationship and I feel that when dating I was these relationships
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with men I always feel so alienated from the ability to actually speak my truth and to accept
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that I won't be shamed or that I won't be hurt or that I won't be ridiculed or minimized
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or laughed at or dismissed if I share my truth it's like I can feel the words bubbling up I can
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feel my heart racing the embodied experience of having a truth that you are too terrified to share
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and then what happens maybe I journal about it maybe I tell a friend often I don't even tell
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a friend if it's something that goes to the root of my experience
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so for example when I was in a relationship with a man in a polyamorous relationship and he
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was dating other women there was so much shame that I felt that I never shared the trueness of my
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feelings because I knew all my friends would say well then just leave so I silenced my truth not
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only to him often I would share some things but not the fullness of it and I wouldn't I didn't
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leave soon enough but also to my friends and so I think each of us needs that space those people
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who we truly feel like no matter what we say to them they can hold our truth they can hold space
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for it without jumping to advice they can be with us they can empathize with us and they can help
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us reach a deeper truth out of love not necessarily that they will enable us not to say that they
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won't push back but that they'll do so in a way that makes us feel like we're walking side by
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side with someone rather than someone walking in front of us and telling us oh you need to follow me
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I'm your leader I know what to do instead of how are you really feeling what is this doing for you
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what does this give to you tell me why you feel cold to remain in this place what would you need to
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believe to believe that it's no longer safe to stay what would you tell your daughter to do that
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something I always always always ask myself I always ask myself what would you tell your daughter to
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do because the truth comes sharply into focus when I ask that question and also because I know that
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I have a relational wisdom within me that I was born to relate and so when I put myself in the
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position of a relational figure sudden truths become revealed to me instantly and when I ask
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what would you tell your daughter to do I become that loving and that nurturing and that brave
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both warrior and nurturer who can say run or who can say relax or who can say leave or who can
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say stay or we can say I believe in you who can say I know you're scared but you want this
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I know you're scared but you've got this I know you're scared but I love you no matter what happens
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I'm here so that's one area of my life where this fear of
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sharing my voice sharing my truth saying what I need to say and even knowing what I need to say comes
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up and this keeps me in relationships that are not healthy for me or that are not loving or joyful
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or wonderful for me it keeps me always making myself smaller and this doesn't only have to be in
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romantic relationships so it doesn't have to be in friendships it can be as small as just not
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wanting to inconvenience anyone I've been at dinner tables where I secretly had an allergic reaction
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to nuts under the table stabbing myself with an epic pen and telling no one because I didn't
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want to inconvenience them am I not worthy of being an inconvenience as I said on my TikTok when
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we are rooted in community there is no such value system as convenience because true community
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is never going to be convenient true community doesn't speak the language of convenience true
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community speaks the language of love of kinship and of giving and receiving often in ways that
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are asymmetrical giving what we can receiving what we need to I digress the second area that this fear
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of speaking up this self repression which maybe is a more honest framing than perfectionism honestly
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but it manifests in my work in my art in my creations I would have shared so many I have like 300 TikTok
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drafts I have 16 sub stack essay drafts but I'm scared I'm scared it's not good enough I'm scared
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of the repercussions of what I need to say I'm scared of being too truthful I'm scared of not
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being truthful enough I'm scared of being too serious I'm scared of not being serious enough it's
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just fear it keeps me from sharing my voice the idea that I'm not worthy of my voice just being what
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it needs to be that day I know you may see me if you follow me on TikTok or on Instagram or
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somewhere sharing my voice and you think what is she saying I see her confidently speaking I am
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terrified of most things that I post on social media I have a lot of support from my best friend
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hi my love I just wanted to say that you did an incredible job with your videos today I love
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them all and I'm just blown away with how much amazing quality wonderful content you created today
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between your sub stack and these amazing videos you are truly a superstar I am so impressed and I
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love you so much I'm so proud of you and I loved all of the messages you shared today and you just
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did such a great job so I'm so proud of you and I hope that you are proud of yourself because
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you really did a great great job and I'm just so impressed and amazed and in awe and just so
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proud of you and I love you so much I know you're listening Alex I love you so so much and I can't
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wait to share our episode on romantic friendship everyone and for you to get to know Alex better
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on my podcast and elsewhere I love you so much thank you for being the best bestie and thank you
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to my best friends for always supporting me in general I love you so much I have to remind myself
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that it's not only about me yes I may be terrified to say this thing but if this can help people
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it's really people's feedback that's made me less terrified I hope to move towards less fear or
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at least more ability to move through fear and let it be generative and that's what I'm trying to do
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here so I am terrified of my own voice and I think I often even fear the power of it I fear how
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powerful it can be and that's the whole irony of it it's that you know power and I mean power in
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the sense of activation energy or the ability to move or to speak to or to touch people
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and that is scary that scares me it scares me to think this will touch people isn't that terrifying
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I mean I think it's very terrifying so I still feel like who am I to even have this space
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this podcast and I'm unlearning that but I still feel that way and part of me like not being here
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for so long is that fear that shame it's such an act of love of courage and sometimes of joy
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hopefully to let our voices speak even when they shake even when we're terrified I think
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especially those times and that's the irony you're told you should only speak when you have the
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smoothest most fluid most perfect thing to say so what does that keep you saying well next to nothing
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nothing from the body there's a Chicana queer feminist named Gloria Anzaldua and she says that
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writing should not be from the head it should be from the body and we can apply that to speaking
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that speaking should come from the body from an embodied place not from a theoretical place
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you know and when we speak from the body I think that's a deep act of love not only to ourselves but
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to the listener so as I just mentioned with what would I tell my daughter to do when I'm terrified
35:31
of using my voice I imagine myself as a child and I imagine there's this child and she has something
35:38
she wants to say but she's scared she's scared that no one will listen she's scared that too many
35:45
people will listen she's scared that she'll be laughed at she's so scared that people are laughing at
35:51
her that people are cringing at her that people are in a group chat talking about what she has to say
35:58
and saying look how ugly she looks or look how ugly what she has to say is look how embarrassing she
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is how could anyone be brave enough to say this how could anyone be this cringe and I think of that
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child and my need to protect her at all costs my need to both nurture her as the nurturing figure as
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the caretaker and also my need to fight for her as the warrior you know I am from a lineage of the
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both and of fighters of activists of nurtures of nurses of warriors this child needs to be heard
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this child needs to speak and I will do everything in my power to affirm her voice and to say you
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are acceptable you are precious you are loved you are loved just like a leaf just like a tree
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just like the ocean your only task is to be but you can't wilt yourself that's the sun's job
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okay your job is to be who you are and your truth is who you are so if you have something within
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you that you just know an spiritual level needs to come out my child you need to speak
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let the other elements do what they're going to do if they're going to tell you down let them
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tell you down but then you were in your truth and they're not going to tell you down because I'm
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going to protect you and I'm going to fight for you okay you deserve to be seen and you deserve
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to speak and it does not matter if your words have flaws or they're not fluid enough they're not
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perfect enough you are embarrassed you didn't say this thing you need to speak because you're
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speaking from a place of love you're speaking from a place of trying to create a world
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that has more love that has more healing that has more affection that has more tenderness and
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that has the right kind of strength a strength rooted in a deep love for people and a deep love
38:08
for truth that let's suffering speak and I would know that this child's acceptance is not
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conditional they are unconditionally accepted and acceptable and I would want that child to know
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that I'm holding space for their voice that their voice is valid that I have the capacity to sit
38:28
with it and to not flee to the solution of it or to what it implies but to really just sit with it
38:35
and let it be in the universe how how beautiful how cosmically profound that it's joining a
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chorus of voices that's the other thing I would want to know this experience of you being so
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scared to share your voice and you choosing to share it anyway it links you to so many human
38:54
beings who've done the same behind every song that you love podcast episode that moved you
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essay that made you feel so seen poem that spoke to you on the deepest level do you not think that
39:08
artist suffered I'm not glorifying suffering all I'm saying is in our world to be in your truth
39:15
and to share that truth ah you are suffering that is unfortunately the artist's way in this society
39:22
not to say that all are to suffer but that in that excavation of that deep truth that let's
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suffering speak there is suffering because you are shamed as the artist because you are ridiculed
39:33
because you are doing something brave you are using your voice in ways you have all been conditioned
39:40
not to and even your closest friends will judge you that is the truth that is the truth I'm looking
39:47
at unflinchingly but it's not that they're purely judging you they're also maybe admiring you
39:53
or inspired by you but the absence of judgment is a lie it's not possible and that's okay because
39:58
judgment won't kill me not sharing my truth dying and having not said what I needed to say to
40:05
the point of the Audrey Lord essay what are the words you do not yet have what do you need to say
40:10
what are the tyrannies you swallow day by day until you will sicken and die of them still in silence
40:18
that exact sentiment that your silence will not protect you as she says that either way we're
40:24
going to the grave so we might as well say what we need to say before then okay so that that is
40:30
the case and we deserve I lost my train of thought and that's okay and that's okay because that's
40:35
the truth you know what I mean wow this is valuable wow so this human experience of being scared
40:48
to speak and speaking I'm telling you you have no clue how many people on earth this ties you to
40:55
when you see an even an even I don't like the impact of the median entertainment industry
41:01
on our sense of how existence works because we've been sold so many lies but we haven't been taught
41:08
how to not believe them you when you see an actress and you're like wow this is flawless you have
41:15
no idea the emotional journey that actress has been on in order to provide the seamless experience
41:22
for you and you have no idea the amount of editing that's gone into how that voice ended up being
41:29
shared so there's this illusion of the voice there's this illusion of communication that exists
41:37
and permeates our culture right and so even the people who look least terrified I'm telling you
41:47
so many of them are so terrified so many top actors performers don't even watch their own movies
41:53
because they're so ashamed to see themselves on screen that is a human experience no one is
42:00
protected from it and so in you sharing your work you're gonna meet a whole community of voices
42:09
that feel exactly as you feel one of my best friends is an exceptional
42:20
poet exceptional literally will make me stop in my tracks and not just because I'm his best friend
42:27
or one of his best friends but because he is an exceptional poet who can go to the most painful
42:36
of his emotional experiences and turn it into a piece of art who takes the experience of
42:44
emotional trauma of loving someone who does not have the capacity to be safe for you
42:51
of being constantly reminded and constantly brought back to some of the most painful moments
43:00
of your life some of the most traumatic moments of your life that you still fully don't
43:06
that you still don't fully understand and he takes that moment and he turns it into a poem and it's
43:14
literally alchemy it's literally an alchemy process alchemy which is a seemingly magical process of
43:26
transformation creation or combination you're taking these elements and you're alchemizing them
43:32
you're turning them into something new something magical something powerful that is what he does with
43:36
his poems and he is terrified of sharing these poems with more people but also he is so enticed
43:50
or so that is a stronger word not enticed that's too frivolous he is so cold like he must
43:58
share this art and that is this dualistic experience of attention the attention they need to
44:03
be seen and yet the absolute fear the horror of being seen and I simply cannot wait and buy his
44:11
side and I cannot wait till he gets to the moment where his poems are out in the world whatever that
44:17
means for him and people are relating and connecting to them to his work to his consciousness
44:24
because what a beautiful act to take your consciousness to paint the external world with your inner
44:32
world that is alchemy that is powerful that is sensational and that ties you to so many artists
44:39
and the illusion is that they did not feel any sense of shame in their process I'm going to
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hit send and if you are moved by this then you must stop ever believing that it takes not being
44:53
afraid to move someone because I'm terrified I'm terrified and yet I know it's only the powerful
45:05
it's only the spiritual it's only the majestic that we feel scared to put into the world
45:13
if I was talking about what I wore today my makeup routine do you think I'd be scared maybe
45:22
maybe that's just not what I feel cool to so no I would not it's because I'm speaking from
45:29
as Gloria Ansaldua says the body I cannot wait until the day by the way that you are able to
45:36
read my besties poems because you will be changed and especially if you've dealt with heartbreak
45:43
and if you've dealt with trauma in relationship and with if you've dealt with the dual and paradoxical
45:50
experience of deeply loving someone who has deeply hurt you which doesn't only happen of course
45:56
in romantic relationship but in parenting and in in parent child relationships in sibling relationships
46:01
across so it's a human experience and I know it's going to touch you in the deepest part of your soul
46:11
and I know that in you being touched you will in turn touch the artist who then has the energy
46:17
to keep going because suddenly they understand that the spiritual process they've gone through to
46:24
share their voice to share their art to share their truth let's talk about that even though it was
46:31
painful like giving birth it was painful was uncomfortable when you tell them this spoke to me
46:39
I feel so seen wow I needed this I needed this today when I see comments like that oh I can make
46:48
12 more videos that is what keeps me going it's that I'm not speaking into a vacuum that people are
46:54
saying I needed this okay then my role is to continue my role is to work on the difficulty of it
47:01
that's between me and my support system the root system that keeps me connected to the water that I
47:07
need my best friends my therapist my just the people who deeply support me and my family but also
47:15
there's a specific way that people who are artists can support you on your journey because they
47:19
understand right then my role is to continue so we all have a role to play when people share their
47:26
voice with us when they're brave enough to share their voice we have to tell them when it moves us
47:32
even if we don't even know if they'll ever see it they don't where they may not respond we have to
47:36
we have to because this is how we construct a different scent of self for each other our scent of
47:42
self doesn't come from ourselves it comes from how we've been regarded throughout our lives
47:51
so if we feel like we've been treated as though we're annoying we're going to feel annoying for
47:55
a very long time it's only through other people constantly saying you are wanted I want you here
48:02
you are valued you are you are um special to me I see you I want you here then we start to
48:09
construct a different self concept but without that external validation in our culture it's seen
48:16
as a terrible crime to need external validation ha ha there's a certain kind I agree of external
48:23
validation that can be unhealthy or toxic or addictive too much of anything is not a good thing you
48:28
know what I mean but we need each other to help us see ourselves in deep alignment with that inner
48:39
divinity inner and I mean this in a spiritual sense inner perfection inner beauty inner power
48:45
that we each possess the other thing I want to say before I conclude is that you have no idea how
48:56
your words will impact people you have no idea the ripple effects of you speaking your truth
49:03
it doesn't have to be on social media by the way I'm not saying you should go if you wanted to be
49:07
of course but if you were more radically honest in your relationships if it's safe for you you have
49:13
no idea the ripple effects of that honesty on everyone in that person's life as well the chain
49:19
reactions how many of us have been deeply affected by someone just giving us that piece of
49:24
thing that was difficult to hear but that we needed to hear there's a chain reaction this podcast
49:32
episode is a product of so many conversations that I've had with myself with my friends with
49:39
artists with essays I've read it's through a constant conversation with this Audrey Lord essay
49:45
that I'm always talking about and I'm always talking about it because it's very important that we not
49:49
only quantify our learning by how many things we've read but how deeply we've read how much we've
49:55
chosen to sit with something and let us move us remove us and then move us again so sometimes the
50:05
creator overestimates their power to know what the impact of their creations will be I have no
50:10
idea I have no idea how this will affect you it would be hubris to assume that I could know
50:16
your words matter my darling they matter you are not too annoying you're not your voices in
50:29
annoying one thing I'm learning to do when I have that instant reaction of not liking someone's
50:35
voice is telling myself it's not that I don't like their voice I don't like what's been done to
50:39
their voice I don't like what I've been conditioned to see their voice as that's more truthful that
50:47
allows the truth that allows suffering to speak because how sad is it that we've been alienated
50:53
from voices that don't sound aesthetically as we think a voice that is worth listening to should
50:58
sound and the ripple effects of that in terms of who gets listened to and who gets scrolled past
51:04
silenced ignored whether that be because of a high pitched voice a low pitched voice an accent whatever
51:10
an accent is that is so rooted in a colonial understanding of a voice and of whose voice is
51:16
neutral because whiteness is always neutral the other is always other okay the value of your words
51:24
cannot be measured not in likes not in views not in achievement but in the embodied experience
51:31
again speak from the body of you the writer the speaker excavating the truth giving birth to
51:39
a truth painting the external world with your inner consciousness how beautiful how precious
51:44
how phenomenal okay and in you standing in your truth and letting it be generative for the reader
51:52
for the listener you move something in them you inspire them in ways you can't even understand
52:00
because it's not always direct it's not always the case that someone writes about grief and so
52:05
you feel that you can grieve that is one case and it's very important but it's also that sometimes
52:10
you see someone speaking and you just think oh if they're speaking I can also speak do I not have a
52:15
voice if they're writing I can also write do I not have words standing in your truth allowing your
52:22
truth to be seen means that you are building the world words between friends build worlds if you
52:32
say to your friend hey it makes me feel hurt when you ignore me hey I wish we were closer hey
52:40
can we speak every two weeks and put it on our calendar because I don't think we'll speak that
52:43
often otherwise hey I miss you I know it's been six years but we're gonna die maybe in 75 so
52:49
we might as well reconnect now hey wouldn't it be so great if you came over and we just lay and
52:56
watch something and maybe cuddle or just cook something hey wouldn't it be cool if we hung out
53:01
and weren't on our phones since we're both addicted and we could use just being together and not
53:07
being addicted to technology for a while hey it really hurts my feelings when you're always more
53:12
interested in posting about our time together than really being with me you are building a world
53:20
and that world you're building with that person is gonna have a ripple effect on how they treat other
53:24
people adorn the world with your consciousness and what is the result me the reader me the listener
53:35
I get to be moved I get to be seen I get to feel hurt I get to feel less alone imagine you read
53:43
something to someone and they feel less alone what a gift what a joy that is such a privilege
53:51
to make someone feel less alone are you kidding me in this lonely society I made you feel less
53:58
that is so beautiful that is so sexy oh my goodness so you mean me being in my truth makes you
54:07
feel like you get to be more in yours what it's that easy and if it's difficult surely that is the
54:16
most worthy thing of our suffering I'm not glorifying suffering I'm saying it's purely a condition of
54:22
existing from a Buddhist point of view your words can move your words can inspire your words can
54:29
intrigue your words can delight your words can turn on your words can make someone feel like they
54:38
are less alone how profound is that that is so special to me everything simply by you choosing
54:46
to externalize your inner truth wow this has been this has been something I just know that it has
54:55
been I know that I am onto something I'm onto a different era of this experience I'm gonna end
55:05
with a question by Audrey Lord that I ask often and I will ask again and isn't that precious
55:10
because now her words get to live on through me I get to be a vessel and I get to imprint them
55:17
on your consciousness I get to paint Audrey Lord's consciousness onto yours wow what a gift
55:24
incredible sensational and wonderful and I'm ending with this what are the words you do not yet have
55:32
what do you need to say what do you need to say what do you need to say I love you goodbye
55:53
that's it Sunshine's thank you so much for listening to reimagining with I understood he's
55:59
follow my work on substack at I understood that substack.com and subscribe if you have the means as
56:04
well as on TikTok and Instagram at I understood I would absolutely love to hear from you if you
56:09
have good things to say I am a cancer please be nice to me I am sensitive okay please leave a
56:14
rating on the podcast if it is five stars again I'm a cancer okay I love you have a wonderful day
56:20
nourish yourself and nourish each other