Latest / UNMASKED with Wesley Farnsworth / EP 61 - You Can’t Heal What You Refuse to Name

Transcript

EP 61 - You Can’t Heal What You Refuse to Name · UNMASKED with Wesley Farnsworth

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  I think a lot of people are exhausted not because life is
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  hard, but because they've spent years trying to heal from things
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  that they refused to actually name.
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  So instead of saying I'm angry, we say I'm just stressed.
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  Instead of saying that hurt me, we say it's not a big deal.
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  Instead of saying I think I'm curing shame.
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  We distract ourselves. We stay busy, we make jokes, we
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  change the subject, and after a while we become strangers to our
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  own interior life. We feel things deeply but
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  describe them vaguely. And I think a lot of us were
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  taught that if we avoid pain long enough that it will
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  eventually just disappear. But hidden things rarely heal
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  well. They usually just get quieter.
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  And yet pain still shapes your life.
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  Welcome to Unmasked, where we take off the filters and get
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  real about faith, failure, and finding freedom.
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  I'm your host, Wesley Farnsworth, a dad, veteran,
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  author, and a man who's learned that God does his best work in
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  the middle of our mess. Each episode we have honest
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  conversations with people who've walked through addiction, pain
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  or doubt, and with pastors, leaders, and everyday believers
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  who are learning to live and lead authentically.
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  So take a breath, pull up a chair, and let's get real.
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  This is unmasked. You see, I think most people
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  learn pretty early which emotions are acceptable and
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  which ones aren't. Some families allowed stress and
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  sadness but not anger. Others allowed achievement but
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  not weakness. Some allowed performance, but
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  not honesty. And so we learned to adapt.
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  We learned how to survive emotionally inside whatever
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  environment we grew up in. And part of that survival often
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  includes or involves avoiding language, because naming
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  something makes it real. If you say I'm hurt, now you
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  have to deal with it. If you say I think I'm lonely,
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  now, you can't hide from it easily anymore.
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  If you say I think what happened to me actually affected me
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  deeply, that changes things. So instead we choose to stay
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  vague, not because we're dishonest, but because clarity
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  feels vulnerable. That's something that many
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  people, I believe, struggle with, because there's something
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  powerful about naming things honestly.
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  Not dramatically honestly. Because the moment that you name
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  something, you stop running from it.
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  You stop pretending that it isn't there.
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  And for a lot of people, that's terrifying, because as long as
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  pain stays undefined, it stays manageable.
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  At least that's what we tell ourselves.
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  But unnamed pain has a way of leaking into everything.
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  Relationships, marriage, parenting, leadership, faith.
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  You may not call it anger, but people around you feel it.
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  You may not call it grief, but it changes the way you connect
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  with people. You may not call it shame, but
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  it shapes the way you see yourself.
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  Just because something stays unnamed doesn't mean that it
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  stays inactive. I think people avoid honest
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  language because language creates responsibility.
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  Once you admit that I'm struggling, you can't pretend
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  you're fine anymore. Once you admit I think I'm
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  carrying trauma, you can't just call it stress forever.
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  And I think honestly, some people are afraid that if they
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  name the wound, everything else attached to it will come pouring
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  out too. So they stay numb instead.
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  Dead or busy or distracted. Because distraction feels safer
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  than honesty, at least temporarily.
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  I think men especially struggle here because many of us were
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  taught to suppress before we were taught to process.
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  So instead of naming emotions, we manage behavior, we work
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  more, we shut down emotionally, we get irritable, we withdraw,
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  we numb out. But we rarely stop long enough
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  to ask what is actually happening inside of me.
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  And honestly a lot of men don't even have the emotional language
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  for what they're carrying, not because they're shallow but
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  because nobody ever taught them. So they say things like I'm just
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  tired when actually they're discouraged or ashamed or
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  emotionally overwhelmed and overtime you lose touch with
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  yourself that way. I also think people avoid naming
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  wounds because they minimize them, especially Christians.
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  Sometimes it could have been worse.
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  Other people have bigger problems.
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  I should be over this by now. So instead of grieving,
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  honestly, we compare. And comparison is a great way to
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  stay stuck emotionally because pain doesn't become less real
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  just because somebody else suffered differently.
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  What hurt you hurt you, and pretending it didn't doesn't
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  create healing, it creates distance.
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  I think healing though, often begins with a sentence.
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  A simple, honest sentence. Not a breakthrough moment, not
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  emotional music playing in the background, not instant
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  transformation, just honesty. This affected me more than I
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  realized that actually hurt. I don't think I've ever dealt
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  with this. Those moments seem small
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  externally, but internally they are massive.
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  Because honesty breaks denial and denies is exhausting to
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  maintain. One thing that I've noticed is
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  that vague language allows a vague healing.
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  If everything is fine, then nothing changes.
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  If everything is just stress, you never addressed the deeper
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  wound. And vague people often stay
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  emotionally stuck for years because they never slow down
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  long enough to identify what they're actually carrying.
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  They just know that something feels off, something feels
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  heavy, something feels disconnected.
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  But they never bring clarity to it.
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  And clarity, my friends, matters.
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  One thing I find interesting in Scripture is how Jesus asked
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  people questions that he already knew the answer to.
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  Jesus would ask things like, What do you want me to do for
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  you? Do you want to get well?
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  Not because he lacked information, but because naming
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  matters. There's something transformative
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  about bringing truth into the open, about saying it out loud,
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  about no longer hiding behind vagueness.
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  And I think a lot of people want healing.
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  They just want it while avoiding honesty.
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  But healing and honesty are deeply connected, because God
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  heals the real thing, not the edited version.
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  I think one reason people also avoid naming wounds is because
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  they're afraid of what it might require afterwards.
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  You see, if you admit that you were burned out, maybe something
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  needs to change. If you admit that you're
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  hurting, maybe you need support. If you admit that you're angry,
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  maybe you need to deal with what's underneath it.
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  And sometimes people would rather stay familiar than face
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  change. And eventually, even painful
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  familiarity can feel safer than uncertain healing.
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  But staying numb also has a cost.
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  And usually it's a big one. Because when you suppress pain
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  long enough, you don't just lose access to hurt, you lose access
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  to joy as well. You lose action to you lose
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  access to connection, tenderness, peace.
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  You start living emotionally muted, functioning externally
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  while internally feeling disconnected from the yourself
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  and the people around you. And eventually you don't even
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  know what you feel anymore. You just know that something's
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  missing. I think often healing starts
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  quietly, not dramatically. Just a moment where you stop
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  outrunning yourself, where you stop explaining things away,
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  where you stop numbing long enough to tell the truth.
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  Maybe it's in prayer or in counseling.
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  Maybe it's in recovery. Maybe it's sitting alone in your
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  car after a hard day. But eventually something inside
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  of you says, I can't keep pretending that this isn't
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  affecting me. And honestly, that is a holy
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  moment, not because it feels good, but because it is real.
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  I think some people are afraid that honesty disappoints God.
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  The scripture paints a very different story.
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  You see people grieving honestly, questioning, honestly,
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  crying. Honestly, my friend, God is not
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  intimidated by human emotion. He gave you those emotions.
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  He's not asking you to pretend. And honestly, pretending is
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  exhausting spiritually as well because emotionally you end up
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  performing Wellness instead of pursuing healing and there's a
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  difference. I want to slow down here moment
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  because I think some people listening to this have spent
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  years trying to heal symptoms without ever naming the wound.
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  So they stayed focused on behavior but ignored grief,
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  shame, fear, and loneliness. And until you identify the
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  deeper thing, you'll keep fighting surface battles without
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  understanding why they keep returning.
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  That doesn't mean that healing is instant once you name
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  something, but naming it is often the doorway to healing.
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  You see, there's freedom and clarity.
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  Not because clarity fixes everything immediately, but
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  because clarity stops the hiding.
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  You stop dancing around reality. You stop using vague language to
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  avoid specific truth. And that changes the
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  relationship you have with your own soul.
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  Because honesty creates alignment, and alignment creates
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  peace. So here's your action step for
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  this week. I want you to spend 10 quiet
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  minutes asking yourself this question honestly.
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  I want you to ask yourself, what am I feeling that I keep
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  refusing to name? You're not looking for the
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  polished answer or the spiritual answer.
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  You're looking for the honest one.
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  And once you identify it, write it down.
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  Just name it. Because healing often begins the
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  moment that we stop avoiding the truth long enough to say it out
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  loud. Thanks for joining me today on
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  Unmasked. If something in this episode
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  spoke to you, don't let it stop with you.
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  Share it with the one person that God put on your heart while
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  you were listening. You never know whose
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  breakthrough might start with just a simple message from you.
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  If you want more encouragement, you want to work with me
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  one-on-one, or you're interested in having me speak at your
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  church or event, you can find everythingyouneed@wesleyfarnsworth.com
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  and make sure you join the Unmasked community by connecting
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  with me on social media so that we can keep walking this journey
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  together. Until next time.
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  Remember, the grace is greater than your past and real freedom,
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  true freedom, begins the moment that you choose to live
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  unmasked. God bless you.