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4 Post Traumatic Growth Tools · Trauma Free Relationship

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Hi, I'm Tom. Phil, Welcome back to Trauma
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Free Relationship. If you are joining us for the
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first time, we would love for you to tune in whether you're
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following us on our podcast or here on our YouTube channel, be
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get a notice when new episodes come out.
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We'd love for you to join us as we continue our journey on
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looking at relationships through a lens of trauma, since so many
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couples that I work with have one or the other partners
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experience trauma either within that relationship or in the
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past. Before they entered into the
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relationship, I was noticing how important it is to help couples
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work through their trauma because it became a block, a
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consistent block for them to be able to kind of get the
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relationship and create the relationship that they really
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want for one another, a sense of safety and security, they want
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trauma, really disrupt that. So so much of my effort here is
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trying to explore that through these different mediums and so
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the I can reach out and help a lot more people than just those
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that I'm seeing on my my couch each week.
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So if you're joining us, welcome.
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I'm so glad that you're here. Today I want to talk about four
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post traumatic growth tools. And so I talked a lot about
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tools that couples can use, but I don't know that I've packaged
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them quite in this way before. Often times they come up in the
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context of what we're discussing with my couples.
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But it it it dawned on me that I'm able to really lay out for
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what I think are our primary tools to help individuals and or
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couples really grow past their traumas and their traumas
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reaction. So for those who suffered more
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than most, for those who have have had trauma in their past,
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these are four tools that I end up trying to teach as well as
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develop within the couples that I work with.
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So we're going to launch in and talk about four post traumatic
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growth tools. All right, the first one I want
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to talk about is empathy, and I cannot understate this enough.
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Empathy, empathy, empathy. I talk about it all the time.
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It is probably the single biggest tool that couples have
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that help them foster the kind of relationship that creates
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more safety, more security, more wellbeing, more resilience,
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deeper connection, all the things that we want when we get
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into a relationship. So much of it is fostered
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through the tool of empathy and and and and and true to form,
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that means that the converse is true as well, meaning that a lot
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of the arguments and a lot of the ruptures that occur in
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relationships are through empathic failures, The inability
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to step into our partners shoes, to understand their perspective,
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to understand where they're coming from.
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It feels weird, it feels foreign to us, and there's all kinds of
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blocks that can come up to do that.
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But often times it is empathic failures that create distance as
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well as as conflict within couples.
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So empathy is just so important. And at the risk of repeating
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myself too many times, Empathy Empathy.
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Empathy is is the bedrock of a safe, secure relationship.
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So I wanted to spell a couple of a myths around empathy.
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First of all, empathy is not sympathy.
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Sympathy is feeling bad for some someone.
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Empathy is feeling with someone. It is the ability to feel into
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the the life of another person, to understand their emotional
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experience, to understand their cognitive experience.
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And essentially there's colloquialisms we use right to
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put yourself in somebody else's shoes, to see through somebody
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else's eyes. Those are a lot of phrases that
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we use in culture. But we're really talking about
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empathy when we talk about that. Can we can we suspend our own
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experience long enough to be able to step into our partners
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shoes and understand their experience of the relationship
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through their eyes? And so empathy is different than
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sympathy. Sympathy is standing outside
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their perspective and feeling bad for somebody and and there's
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certainly a place for that. Compassion is feeling sympathy
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combined with the willingness to help, to do something, combined
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with an action. So sympathy is very important,
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but it's not the same as empathy.
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Sympathy. We can feel bad for somebody.
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We can even be compelled to take action to help them.
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But it doesn't mean that we necessarily understand it from
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within their perspective. But empathy does.
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Empathy is understanding it from within our partners perspective.
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And what that also means is that with empathy we can hold 2
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perspectives together simultaneously, in tandem.
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So if I'm empathizing with my partner, if I can understand
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their perspective, it doesn't mean I give up my perspective.
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It doesn't mean that my perspective is not as valuable
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or not as worthy as my partners. And I think this is a big
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misnomer around empathy itself. Empathy doesn't mean that we
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accept somebody else's reality and we deny ours.
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It simply means that we can hold both of them simultaneously.
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Now, that's not always easy to do because everything seems to
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exist on an either or basis so much in our culture.
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You either accept this truth or you accept that one.
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And and that's not the case with empathy.
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Empathy isn't either or. Empathy is both.
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And I can accept your reality and understand it, and I can
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accept mine and understand my truth as well.
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And so that that means that we can't fall into easy,
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dichotomous thinking of the either or we have to be able to
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challenge ourselves to go okay. I know the way I feel.
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I know my perspective. Now let me let me bracket this
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for a minute. Let me set this aside for just a
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second and let me see if I can't understand my partner's
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perspective as well. Because often what I see as
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couples are trying to solve a problem in their relationship is
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they want to put the cart before the horse.
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They want to get into a conversation and immediately
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push for some kind of of solution or resolution before
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they have a deep understanding of each other's perspectives.
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And what I often see is that doesn't work for couples because
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one partner is not going to find a solution that seems right or
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seems to fit before they feel understood.
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So I often tell my couples, look you can't put the cart before
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the horse. The first goal of conversation
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is to have empathy for each other's perspectives, to
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understand that. And then what I so often see is
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that once the couple begins to really understand each other
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better, then a solution organically emerges out of that.
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A solution can rise out of that relationship that neither
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partner prior to the empathy could have seen or come up with
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on their own, because now they have shifted enough of a
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perspective not only of their own to include their partners,
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but maybe they're just even looking at it differently.
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That, and now a solution can emerge.
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So empathy, I I think, is absolutely crucial in
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relationships. And I I talk about this probably
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ad nauseam with the love of my couples, but I really do think
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it is so very important. So that's the first growth tool.
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Challenge yourself to understand other people's perspectives, to
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be able to step into their shoes.
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Now we we have empathy because most often we have been given
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empathy. Often through our development
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with our family. They have demonstrated and
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modeled that to us. I understand that not everybody
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has that. Some people struggle with
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empathy. Some people are locked in sort
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of their own bubble, if you will, that empathy is hard for
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them. So as I challenge you, I'm aware
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that that it's not something that naturally occurs in
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everybody. It is a skill that can be
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learned, and it is a skill that can be worked on and taught.
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Usually it is demonstrated to us and that's how we pick it up,
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but that's not often the case. Especially if we've had some
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childhood trauma, then maybe the adults in our lives weren't very
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empathic towards us and we learned that that just wasn't a
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skill we had in our repertoire. So as such, consider reading
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books, not narratives. Oftentimes fiction can be a
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great a source of learning how to build empathy because you're
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immersing yourselves into characters.
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If you watch movies, think about think about the characters of
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each movie. Not just the plot point, but
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what is this character really about?
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What's driving this character? What's what's the back story?
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Actors are great about this. Actors often do this as they're
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trying to develop their character, that they have the
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script which is actually the plot.
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But the story is everything that happens before the script and
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everything that happens after that script.
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I'm I'm speaking from a cinema perspective here.
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And so oftentimes actors will will take the script and look at
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their character and then try to imagine what was, what's this
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character's motivation, what what happened to this character
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before this particular plot that we're going to be making this
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movie out of before this script was handed to me.
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What kind of experiences this character have so you can do the
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same thing when you're watching movies, when you're reading
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books. And that helps you try to build
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empathy. So if that's something that you
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find lacking for you, there's a couple of examples about ways
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that I I think could really help build empathy.
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It's a matter of getting curious about what makes this person
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tick, what what really drives this person, and being able to
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understand that. So empathy is extremely
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important and it's a extremely important post traumatic growth
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tool as well. Because the better you can flex
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that muscle, that empathy muscle, the the stronger it
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gets. The more you're going to be able
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to understand your partner, the more you're going to be able to
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step into their shoes and vice versa, the more they're going to
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be able to understand you at a deeper level as well.
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So the first post traumatic growth tool is empathy tool #2,
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self reflection. Now one of the things that
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trauma disrupts is our ability to be able to reflect on our
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ourself, reflect on our own feelings, reflect on our own
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thoughts. Sometimes we call this
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metacognition or or meta affect affect being feeling meaning
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that we think about the way we think and we think about the way
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we feel and so we're we're essentially just selfreflecting.
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I I think all of us do this to some degree but but for those
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who've who've suffered more than most with trauma, their ability
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can be very disrupted. So being able to again increase
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this tool to self reflect, to understand, oh that that
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interaction with my partner didn't go the way I wanted it
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to. What could I have done
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differently? Could I have rephrased some
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things? Could I have thought or
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communicated better my feelings? Did I make sense of my feelings
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well enough before I spoke about it?
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Did I? Was I able to communicate
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clearly what I was needing from my partner?
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And so the ability to to reflect on who we are, what we feel, to
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put our feelings into words again, can be disrupted by a lot
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of trauma. So with that self reflection
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though, I want you to focus on four particular things.
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I want you to focus on triggers. Do you know your triggers?
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Do you know what set you off? What often times triggers A
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traumatic response inside of you?
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So if you don't know your triggers, then you are always
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going to be subject to the kind of surprise that triggers can
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bring on. If you know your triggers
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better. If you know it's a certain tone
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of voice, or a look in your partner's eyes, or a word that
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your partner says then or. Or a thought even within
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yourself that that you tend to repeatedly go to when you're
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facing some kind of a stressful situation, knowing those
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triggers are going to be very, very helpful and you being able
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to to control a little bit better your world.
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And I use that usually. I don't mean to that, that you
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need to be controlling of everything in your environment.
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That's not possible. It's it's what how we respond to
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what happened to us happens to us way more than than us trying
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to control what happens to us in in our world.
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But knowing your triggers can get you much further down the
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road and being able to prepare yourself if you're going into a
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triggering situation. And a classic example would be
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like a Vietnam veteran who knows they get triggered by cars that
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backfire because that immediately sends a cascade of
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of flashbacks through their amygdala area where they feel
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like they are reexperiencing that that gunfire and that
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trauma over and over and over. So as yourself reflecting, think
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about what are my triggers? Do I really understand my
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triggers? Did Did my partner just trigger
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something in me? And if so, what was that
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trigger? What was it that really set me
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off? The second thing that I need you
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to reflect on is the embodied emotions that come up for you
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when you get triggered. Now notice that I didn't say
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just feelings or emotions. I said embodied because what
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what we want you to be able to do is to be able to feel within
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your body what gets triggered does, does does it settle in my
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chest where it gets really tight and feels constricted and feels
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like I can't breathe? Does it settle in my stomach
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where all of a sudden I'm just almost nauseous because I have
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been triggered? Does it feel like all of a
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sudden I have a weight sitting on both my shoulders and I just
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I it compresses me down, almost knowing how your triggers get
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enacted, reenacted if you will, in your body and the emotion
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that comes up for you. Is this a deep sense of sadness
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that settles in? Does it feel like a deep sense
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of loneliness and that nobody in the world could possibly
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understand you? So how exactly do your triggers
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get embodied in the form of emotions inside you?
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Now, the third thing I want you to reflect on, and we're still
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talking about #2 here, selfreflection is the meaning
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that you draw behind that embodied emotion.
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So what are the related meanings that come up for you?
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Those meanings might be I'm never worthy of love.
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Those meanings might be I'm always rejected.
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Those meanings might be I'm never good enough or I'm not
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deserving of love. It could be.
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How come I can't get anybody to respond to me?
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Why is it so hard? Why am I always ignored?
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I feel like a ghost. I can't ever get anybody to
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understand what I'm going through and and what I'm feeling
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in these moments. So whatever that related meaning
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is is very important as well. So as yourself reflecting, we
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want to know three things so far.
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Your triggers, your embodied emotions, the related meanings
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and then finally the 4th part of this is your protection.
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When you get triggered, you naturally go into a self
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protective stance. We get defensive, OK, the 3rd
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post traumatic growth tool that we're talking about is
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practicing gratitude. Now this is something that I
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think sounds simple and sounds easy, but I think is actually
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has a level of difficulty about it.
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But I have seen it. I have seen it create such
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profound changes in people and that is simple as as simply
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making sure that we get up every day and we practice a sense of
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gratitude. It could be for something small
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in our life, but something that's meaningful to us.
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It could be for some people in our lives.
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But it is a constant attitude and reminder that we take with
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this every day when we get up and we go about our business and
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and it begins to sort of pervade the way we see and experience
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the world. It may be that you get up in the
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morning, you come downstairs and you notice something as simple
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as your partner has made you a cup of coffee or maybe they
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clean the dishes the night before.
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And it meant you didn't have to do it.
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And it could be something as profound as somebody in your
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life that's investing in you and challenging you and helping you
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grow and and become bigger and better and more than you are.
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But it is a again an attitude that we wake up with every
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single day. Starting a gratitude journal I
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think is great. Could be, could be something
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formal, like you have a notebook next to your bed and you journal
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at night before you go to sleep. Could be that you wake up in the
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morning and you have alarm set on your phone that says be
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grateful. And that's just a reminder.
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Oh yeah, I'm going to notice three things today in my world,
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in my life that I am grateful for.
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And what I've seen is that that it begins to really, as I said
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before, pervade and become internalized as part of how we
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filter and see our world, how we see our world that is as filled
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with people that we have relationships with, that we care
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about, that we know. Some we may not know, but
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nonetheless it is the ability for us to be able to experience
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through a screen of something that is more positive for us.
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Than just negative, because often I think what trauma does
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is it it tilts the brain towards the negative often because it
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wants to protect us from being retraumatized, and I understand
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that. And that's only natural for
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those who have suffered with trauma.
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But I We also have to work to then retrain our brain to see
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the beauty in life, the beauty in people, the the beauty, even
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if it's just laughing at our own own foibles sometimes.
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But the beauty in humanity that still exists, and even even in
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the face of tragedy, there can be, there can be people that
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step up and create some kind of beauty out of that.
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And being able to notice that, I think is very important.
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And I see in couples that I work with that have experienced
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trauma that can be a profound shift in the way they experience
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their, their, their relationship.
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And there was certainly the way they experience their partner
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too. So that's tool #3.
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Practice gratitude. All right, Tool #4, Meaningful
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connections with others. Now I kind of draw a line here
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and I'm talking about two types of connections.
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First type of connection is transactional connections or
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transactional relationships. The second kind is
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transformation relationships. And when I say transformation
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relationships, I mean that we have a certain number of
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relationships in our lives that transform who we are.
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And in turn we transformed them as well.
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Because fundamentally the relationship is built on a sense
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of openness and trust and vulnerability.
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There needs to be people in your lives that you know, no matter
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what time or how often the chips are down or your backs against
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the wall, they will show up for you time and time again.
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And they they are there to support you.
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You see love they have for you. It's not conditional, it is
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unconditional. And and when they see you, they
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invest in you, they want to know about you and you in turn are
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able to be vulnerable and open enough that that they impact you
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deeply and that you in turn impact who they are as well.
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So that's, that's what I mean when we talk about
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transformational relationships, having enough people in your
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life and this may include your partner, I hope it includes your
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partner because then that means you all have a sense of safety
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and security within the relationship to transform each
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other. And that's that's one of the
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healthy markers of a of a healthy relationship.
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But that's one of the markers of a healthy relationship is being
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able to impact on a profound level each other.
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And so that doesn't mean that we don't ever have transactional
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relationships. So what does a transactional
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relationship look like? It's really based more on what
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am I getting out of this relationship or what is another
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person getting out of that relationship than it is kind of
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any deep fundamental change that's occurring.
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For example, when I go to the grocery store and a man or woman
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is checking me out, I don't need to be impacted profoundly by
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them, nor vice versa. I just need them to check out my
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groceries. And we exchanged some
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pleasantries. Hi, how are you today?
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To find everything you needed? Yes, of course.
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Thank you. And they they scan my items,
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they back them up for me, they hand them back, I pay so I get
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what I need out of that relationship and they in turn
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get what they need. They need paying customers so
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they can do their job and get paid themselves.
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And there's nothing wrong with those types of relationships.
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You might have colleagues that are more transactional in
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nature, maybe they're in a different department and you
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talk to him once a week or or once a month, something like
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that. So there's no deep quality to it
24:01
date you. It's just an exchange of
24:02
information or ideas every now and then, and they're pleasant
24:06
enough. And so it's more transactional
24:08
in nature. Nothing wrong with that at all.
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You may have colleagues that you've worked with for many
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years that have deeply impacted you and that is more
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transformational. So when we talk about meaningful
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connections with others, there need to be a certain number of
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people in your lives, and I'm going to say at least three or
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four that you have a deep, meaningful connection with, that
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you feel open and vulnerable with and and seen and heard and
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understood on a deep level with that person.
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And then when you're with them, it fundamentally changes some or
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a part of who you are and you change them in turn to.
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And so these types of relationships are profound to
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have in our lives because what they can do is they can alter
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that past trauma. They can take parts of ourselves
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that have been stuck in time or stuck through past trauma, and
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they can begin to slowly alter that for us and create something
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more healthy, more productive. They can take a liability and
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make it into an asset in some way through that deep change.
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And we know this from research, and I know this clinically for
25:21
the last 20 years, when I can see couples begin to open
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themselves up and be vulnerable with one another, I can see how
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they transform each other's traumas and how they can create
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something way more profound and more beautiful than they ever
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could have imagined out of that. So those are our 4/4 post
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traumatic growth tools. Now what I would encourage you
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to do is to pick one and start working on that.
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Don't try to do all four one time.
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We can really only effectively try to change one thing and work
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on one, one part of ourselves at any given time.
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So start with one of them, whatever one you think you need
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to work on the most, and challenge yourself over the next
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few weeks to every day get up and think, what can I do to
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improve this particular aspect of myself or this aspect of of
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my life and my relationships? And then once you feel like
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you've made some momentum and gotten some headway on one of
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them, then you can add another one along the way.
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But these four things I think will deeply impact you and
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impact your relationships. And I've seen this over and over
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and over in my clinical work with the brave couples that have
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come to me seeking help and and empathy, self reflection,
26:41
gratitude and and a meaningful deep connection between partners
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can create tremendous change in the relationship.
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Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time.